ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard this week, once more we have three of our regular competitors of the game. And we welcome back as our guest somebody who has played the game with great success in the past, Sheila Hancock. Once again I am going to ask our contestants to speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And Clement Freud, we would like you to begin the show this week. And the subject is milking a camel. Can you tell us something about that particular subject in this ridiculous game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: In order to milk a camel, you first of all have to identify the animal. Ogden Nash said
A camel has a single hump
A dromedary two
Perhaps it's the other way round
I'm not sure, are you?
And this poet is particularly famous for having written
I shot a hippopotamus...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: No attempt to milk the camel, he's reciting poetry.

CF: You've got to explain how to find a camel before you can milk a camel.

NP: Yes but then you went off about Ogden Nash and dromedaries as well so I think you had deviated somewhat from the subject...

CF: Really?

NP: ... of milking. So I will give Derek the subject and a point for a correct challenge of course and tell him he has 42 and a half seconds to take over the subject starting now.

DN: I was first allowed to milk a camel by Sheikh Rashid's son, Mohammed, in the United Arab Emirates...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, it's name dropping! He's not telling anything about milking a camel, he's telling us about the important people he knows!

NP: Have you ever known Derek ever do anything else?

KW: Oh yes that's right!

NP: I think, oh but anyway, no no, he can name drop as much as he likes on Just A Minute. In fact you can do anything you like, provided you stick to the subject and don't hesitate or repeat yourself, and Derek didn't do that. There are 35 seconds for him to continue having gained a point for a wrong challenge, milking a camel starting now.

DN: Wilfred Thessider, the first man to cross the Empty Quarter, had to rely tremendously on camel milk. And if you read his book Desert Sands, you will see within it a whole chapter devoted to the art of squeezing the udders of camels and producing this rather stringy nasty milk. It's a brownish colour, not to be recommended particularly for small children. Although apparently tiny camels quite enjoy it. Now... you have to have a bar stool...


NP: Clement.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think after the, there was a hesitation after you talked about the baby camels. Clement I agree with your challenge and you have seven seconds on milking a camel starting now.

CF: A camel's udder hangs off the rear, and a number of teats protrude, which you must grasp in your hands and squeeze...


NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud who started the round, so he's equal with Derek at the end of the first round. And Derek we'd like you to begin the second round and the subject is a short address. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: I suppose a tolerably short address would be Buckingham Palace, England, which would always get your mail to the place that you want it to get to. Another one might be, ah, what shall we say? Warwick Castle...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: He actually said er.

NP: He definitely said er, yes, he erred there within the game as well as saying it. And therefore Sheila you have a correct challenge, a point, and 47 seconds on a short address starting now.

SH: A short address was something that I always used to enjoy when I went to church as a child, as opposed to a long one given by the vicar. And it was very pithy and to the point and enjoyable, usually with a quotation from the Bible. A friend of mine lives in... The Street...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! Sheila you continue on a short address, 17 and a half seconds starting now.

SH: The Village, England. I have had letters reach me with just the address "Sheila Hancock, England" which I was immensely...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of England.

SH: Yes! Right.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so. Derek, 10 seconds for you on a short address starting now.

DN: In my address today, I would like to take as my text the words of the prophet Micah, chapter five, verse four, in which he says "when the bell soundeth, then will thou come?" which could I suppose more colloquially be translated...


NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point on the subject on which he started, lost and regained, and he's in the lead at the end of the round. Sheila Hancock will you begin the next round, avoiding tax. That is what Ian Messiter has decided will be the subject. Can you talk on it for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: This is something that I got very good at last Christmas when I was putting up my decorations. And all the tacks kept falling in the carpet. And I discovered that if you wear very thick soled shoes then you can usually avoid the tacks. But there is another sense in which I am not very good at this though I try as does everybody else in this country. I understand if you go and live abroad you can avoid tax. But that seems to me a singularly boring solution as I actually do like living in this country...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of country.

NP: Yes. I'm afraid you repeated your country and Derek got in, and 25 seconds are with him now, to talk on avoiding tax starting now.

DN: Well like Sheila, I avoid tacks by using a staple gun. These are marvellous machines...


NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Deviation, I've never avoided tacks by using a staple gun. I said you had to wear thick soled shoes to avoid tacks.

DN: Absolutely right! Well tried! Give her a point! I don't muck about! Generous to a fault, I am!

NP: Do you want to give it to her Derek, because I think she was...

DN: Of course I do! I'd be delighted for her to have it back!

NP: Sheila you have got the subject with Derek's generosity and there are 11 seconds on avoiding tax starting now.

SH: As I seem to...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! You've got another point from Derek Nimmo and you continue now with 10 seconds starting now.

SH: Every post seems to bring in another tax demand. So I'm obviously singularly useless at avoiding tax. If anybody listening can give me any hints as to how to do it, I would be very grateful...


NP: Clement Freud challenged before...

CF: I can give her a hint!

NP: So what is your challenge?

CF: It was, she challenged me to give her a hint, and I...

NP: Np she didn't actually!

KW: Anyone listening.

NP: She asked anyone to write in...

CF: No, anyone listening.

DN: She said anyone listening.

NP: Anyone listening who wants to write in...

CF: Well I was listening!

DN: But you obviously weren't!

NP: She asked you to to write in, she didn't want you to challenge her in the game.

CF: I will write in!

SH: Do write in!

NP: If you write in, she'll be pleased to hear from you!

CF: Grovel, grovel, grovel! Anything for a point!

NP: There's one second left starting now, starting now.

SH: There are lots of little...


NP: So Sheila, she's taken the lead at the end of that round. So she's not avoiding tax but she's making points anyway. She's in the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud's in third place and then comes Kenneth Williams who begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is sharks starting now.

KW: There are three kinds of sharks and the one that we're most afraid of is called the man-eater. And it will eat carrion as well as refuse. Now one of these people who has written at great length about the shark and its problems, because it does have difficulty apparently in affecting balance. And so it does swallow, quite deliberately, very heavy objects. Apparently this gives them a sort of buoyancy that it wouldn't otherwise possess. They have appalling great teeth which when they're feeding close up are very nasty, because they don't regularly visit the proper dentists, you see. And consequently they're covered in all this brown muck. And then these pilot fish go alongside them, they're eyes actually. They have an incredible sort of feel for the magnetic...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I thought that was hesitation.

NP: Yes I think it was. So Clement um you have nine seconds for sharks starting now.

CF: Another kind of shark, about which Kenneth Williams didn't speak, is the loan shark who has another acidity in its stomach to bow, burn a hole in your...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

KW: Bow burn! He said bow burn! (laughs)

NP: Well that's what happens when you try to keep going under pressure with three people breathing down your neck metaphorically speaking to get in. And Derek got in with one second to go, and the subject is still sharks Derek starting now.

DN: Skin diving off Keamin in the Straits of Malaysia...


NP: So Derek's now in the lead, one ahead of Sheila Hancock. The next subject is for Derek to begin and it's a strange thing I saw on my travels. Oh we're going to have more of all this name dropping and place dropping, aren't we now. So Derek there are 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I think probably one of the strangest things I've seen on my travels takes place at the Battu Caves outside Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. These great limestone rocks tower into the sky. And at four o'clock in the morning on this particular day of the year with (unintelligible) Festival, you hear the drums beginning to beat. These Hindu tom-etceteras that bang away the rhythm into the night. And slowly a great black line of figures crosses the ground towards the caves...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of great. And hesitation and a few other things. And he didn't drop any names! Deviation!

NP: You did repeat the word great I'm afraid. Because I was actually getting very interested. It made me want to go...

DN: It's very interesting. It gets better later on, I can tell you.

NP: Well I hope you get the subject back Derek, and we hear more about it. But in the meantime I must be fair because Clement has a correct challenge and he has 30 and a half seconds on a strange thing I saw on my travels starting now.

CF: One of the strangest things that I ever saw on any travel of which I have partaken was Kenneth Williams, who I caught out of the corner of my eye, leaning behind me on an aeroplane, bound for the Middle East...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, Kenneth's never been to the Middle East.

KW: On the contrary!

DN: Not with Clement Freud, you haven't!

KW: I'm a habitue around Cairo cafes and have been known, I've been known...

DN: With Clement Freud?

KW: I'm a cult! I'm a cult! I'm a cult! I'm a cult! They say I'm one of the biggest cults in the Middle East, don't they Clement!

NP: Yes, wherever you go in the, they say "ah I caught Kenneth Williams out of the corner of my eye!"

KW: Yes! Kenny the cult they say! Many's the time we've seen him sipping the mint tea!

SH: A few years ago you wouldn't go abroad. You thought it was dirty!

KW: I know, isn't it funny! We have these sort of conversions, you know! Like Saul on the way to Tarsus was it, or Damascus? I can never remember where he was going. What were you on about, by the way? Oh he was getting the subject back was he?

NP: That's right, yes and he continues with 16 seconds on a strange thing I saw on my travels starting now.

CF: And moving towards the Pyramids, I heard two actors. And one said to the other, "I think I shall get a split week in Peebles". For no other reason does one go to Egypt, than to overhear one's fellow members of Equity...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Egypt.

NP: Yes you went to Egypt once too often in Just A Minute.

CF: Egypt?

NP: You can't repeat words unfortunately.

CF: Egypt?

NP: One second for Derek on the subject starting now.

DN: And the worshippers put dust on to their cheeks...


NP: So speaking again as the whistle went, Derek has gone ahead. He's alongside Sheila Hancock but they're both ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. Sheila your turn to begin, the subject, standing in the corner. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

SH: I remember being made to do this when I was evacuated and went to a simply horrid school in the country where they didn't like the evacuees very much. And there was this headmistress who we called Miss Greenbum. Her name was actually something to do with Greenbottom or something...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well there was hesitation there. Plus the fact that I think that word is disgraceful on a family show! And I, I, I mean, I mean these people sitting here...

SH: It, it is in Shakespeare!

KW: Yes I know, you're quite right! It is.

NP: I think it's a word that's often bandied about in every family, so I don't think...

KW: Yes!

SH: It's a very good word. Bum. It's a lovely little word.

NP: So what's your challenge?

KW: Yes she hesitated.

NP: No I don't think she hesitated.

SH: Oh I did! I wound down a bit.

NP: Well done, thank you Sheila. So Kenneth you have the subject of Greenbum... I'm so sorry! You have the subject if standing in the corner and there are 41 seconds starting now.

KW: Standing in the corner was one of the punishments at my school. Of course it didn't occur to me because I was an exemplary pupil. And people said "what a lovely creature you are! Your spun gold hair sprouting from that great forehead is a sight that enlivens the heart..."


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: He's deviating a bit, isn't he? He's not standing in the corner.

NP: I know, but I want him to get a few more points because he's... he's only got one at the moment.


SH: How many have I got?

NP: You're in the lead with Derek.

SH: I've given him one already. I said I hesitated when I didn't really.

NP: Well I know you did. But let's be generous to him again because I love him in the corner with his spun gold hair. There we are, 25 seconds on the subject Kenneth starting now.

KW: Standing in a corner once, I did put some knickknacks on a knick-knackery, which was rather amusing because it was arranged in tiny shelves and little er objeda...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I'd like him to have a few more points!

NP: Kenneth you've got some more points from Clement this time, with 16 seconds on standing in the corner starting now.

KW: And I have to stand in the corner for my mother, when she wants the iron plugged in, because of the ironing board...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He almost hesitated but I'd like him to have another point.

NP: He almost hesitated because you put your buzzer right under his nose. Anybody would hesitate if you did a thing like that. You have a legitimate wrong challenge...

SH: What is this big thing you're having with Kenneth this week?

NP: I've had a big thing with Kenneth on many weeks but no-one's spotted it!

DN: He's got a great big crush, has't he! You can see.

NP: It's the spun gold hair, didn't you know?

SH: Ridiculous!

NP: What's that? Well yes I know, everybody, I mean all this banter that he gives out when he shouts and screams at me, it's all a great cover! Didn't you know that? Right Kenneth there are seven and a half seconds on standing in the corner starting now.

KW: And standing in the corner of my mother's house...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of mother.

NP: Yes and you were in your mother's corner once before, I've got to be fair this time. So Clement's in this time with a challenge I'm going to allow, and there are six seconds, on the subject with you Clement starting now.

CF: I've always thought that standing in the corner is a very sensible punishment, as opposed to be sent outside the room where you couldn't hear anything at all...


NP: Well at the end of that round Kenneth is still, in spite of everyone's help, in fourth place. But he's now only two points behind Clement Freud who is three behind Sheila Hancock, and Derek Nimmo who are still equal in the lead. Kenneth it's your turn to begin, the subject, Nijinsky. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

KW: Nijinsky was born in Kiev in 1890. And then he studied at the Imperial School in Petrograd. And after that he went with that incredible man, Diaghilev to the Mariinisky. And it was in that company that he travelled to Paris where he had enormous success. People cried out "oh isn't he good". And he did this dance...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Wouldn't they have called out "oh tres bien" or something like that?

NP: The French people would, but he didn't establish whether they were French or English. There might have been an Englishman in the audience.

SH: I doubt there were many English people saying "oh isn't he good".

NP: There might have been...

SH: Right.

NP: ... so I couldn't give it against him for that really. So let's continue with you Kenneth on Nijinsky, 27 seconds starting now.

KW: He performed and choreographed Apres-midi d'un faune, a brilliant dance and everyone said a future assured. Until lo, the war broke out and he got interned in where of all places? Hungary! Behind the barbed wire where you can imagine the despair into which he was suddenly flung! And that began what, as far as I am concerned, what was eventually to prove...


NP: I don't know whether you know it, but for those who are interested, that began of course the ah madness from which he suffered in later life which Kenneth was going to tell you about. And Kenneth now has leapt forward! And he's in third place, ahead of Clement Freud, but only two behind our joint leaders Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock. And Clement begins the next round, the subject is snorkelling. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now Clement.

CF: Snorkelling I believe is something you do under the water, where I have never been, because I don't like getting water in my ears. As I have now said water twice and nobody has interrupted me...


DN: Water three times.

NP: Yes, water three times Derek. There are 51 seconds for you on the subject of snorkelling starting now.

DN: I'm very sorry for Clement Freud who has never been snorkelling because a whole new world opens up to you. The sheer beauty of that which lies beneath the sea. One of the things that one can do is to dive suddenly down into reasonably aqua pura and there you will sea strange insects and creatures and sometimes sea anemones. Now if you spear one of these with a spike, a sword or anything you might have with you, then thousands of fish rush towards you from all over... the water around...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: He said sometimes twice.

NP: Yes he did, that's true, and you have the subject and there are 18 seconds on snorkelling Clement starting now.

CF: If you go to very smart sports shops, they sell you snorkels which you are told to put on your head and take to the seaside, where if you enter the bathing surface you may see beneath it...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Oh this is just deviation and rubbish! I mean bathing surface! It just doesn't exist! It's all crap isn't it! What a load of rubbish!

NP: Bathing surface!

KW: Deviation! There's no such thing as bathing...

NP: I think he was getting a little lost!

KW: Of course he was! He was hopelessly lost, wasn't he! Hopeless!

NP: Six seconds for you Kenneth on snorkelling, starting now.

KW: You have these goggles and you get into all this rubber, black rubber and...


KW: What's the matter? What's the matter? Who pressed their button?

NP: Well all the black rubber sent you into a...

KW: Who pressed the button?

DN: Me!

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged you yes.

KW: Derek Nimmo?

NP: Yes.

KW: What have you the impertinence to challenge me about?

DN: Because you got very overexcited about this black rubber! You went "black rubber, black rubber, black rubber, black rubber" all the time.

NP: You went into paroxysms of joy over it! I mean some of these members of the audience were looking the other way. They didn't, they were overcome. One woman was just about to rush up on to the stage and grab you!

KW: Are you saying I've lost the subject or what?

NP: Yes because you repeated the word rubber.

KW: I didn't repeat the word rubber, did I.


SH: You did!

KW: Well you rotten lot! Well you weren't get asked back here again, I'm telling you that for nothing! They won't get asked, will they! They won't get asked back!

NP: I don't know, they're very honest! I think we should...

KW: They won't come back!

NP: Perhaps they don't want to come back!

KW: Well who gets the subject?

NP: Derek Nimmo gets the subject...

DN: They put Nijinsky away for 30 years didn't they!

CF: And he won the Derby!

NP: But he wasn't snorkelling at the time! There are three seconds on the subject of snorkelling starting now.

DN: Parrotfish are particularly beautiful to see and that's why...


NP: Ah well Derek Nimmo got an extra point for speaking as the whistle went and he's gained a number of points in that round. He'ther in second and third and fourth place. Derek your turn to begin, the subject the Beaujolais. I don't know why Ian Messiter put "the" in, but the Beaujolais is the subject starting now.

DN: The Beaujolais, I suppose he wants me to talk about the wine rather than the district and I suppose I will...


DN: I would just like to... have I started?

SH: I don't want the rotten subject but he said I suppose twice.

DN: I was trying to work out this "the" business and the definite article, I was wondering...

NP: Yes I was a bit confused by it as well Derek, but you did have to begin...

DN: Oh I see, right.

NP: That's the rules of the game...

DN: Oh well I was just thought I'd be a sport really.

NP: ... and you did start and repeat words, the subject as Sheila said. And she has 44 and a half seconds on the Beaujolais starting now.

SH: Presumably what Ian means is the district from which this wine comes of which there are many different areas that I don't know the name of. Beaujolais is a lovely red wine which actually gives me a migraine so I don't have it very often. But my old man likes a drop of the Beaujolais, mind you he likes a bit of...



NP: Clement...

DN: Oh really! How rude!

SH: You will cut that! You will cut it won't you! You will cut that!

NP: Especially after the Beaujolais!

SH: Oh when's it going out? I'll have to make sure he's not listening!

NP: Don't you know that nothing's ever edited out of Just A Minute?

SH: I know! I shall have to keep him occupied!

NP: That's why we get these, I get one or two letters. As I said in the letter to these person, if that had been scripted it could have been double entendre. So Clement...

KW: Precisely yes! And for the pure all things...

NP: Clement Freud has the subject of the Beaujolais and there are 33 seconds starting now.

CF: As Sheila Hancock so very rightly said, the Beaujolais is a district. And it contains (reels off a list of four French towns). And I won't bore you by giving you lots of other names, mainly because I forget them at the moment. The wine should be drunk fairly new. It's a great mistake to keep Beaujolais for a long time because it has a lovely fruity raspberry taste when it is freshly from the bottle and it hasn't been too long in cask. You can buy it at any good wine merchant and should of course serve it in a large glass so that it has the chance to breathe or oxidise which is the serious name for it. Many people who enjoy the wine are called Les...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of wine.

NP: Yes but actually we were, we were, you weren't paying attention. We were trying to let him go on as long as he possibly could. Clement you went 10 seconds beyond the time when you should have blown the whistle and so congratulations...

CF: I get a lot of extra points!

NP: Very interesting, you get a point when you should have gone at 60 seconds, and what's the score, oh yes Clement...

SH: What is he talking about? I can't follow this game at all! It's gone frightfully intellectual all of the sudden!

DN: Is this a new rule now? Could you explain what you're up to Parsons?

SH: We go on, we do 66 seconds now, do we?

DN: That great romance with Kenneth Williams has turned his head I think!

NP: It shows the state they get me in! Goodness me! They're...

DN: He's getting ratty!

NP: Let's begin another round, it's Sheila's turn...

SH: Oh!

NP: And the subject is my worst moment on stage. Starting now.

SH: My worst moment on stage was long ago when I was in a show of No Orchids For Miss Blandish, and I was also the ASM, which for people who don't know is the person that helps put up the set and the props. And I obviously hadn't cleated the flaps together very reliably. And just when I was about to have a very sexy scene, I noticed that the set was beginning to fall. So therefore I had to lean against the wall. And in fact when the young man came on that was supposed to have this seductive scene with me...


NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of scene really.

SH: Scene.

NP: Yes.

DN: But I suppose it was a bit mean really.

NP: It's a pity because we'd just got...

DN: It was warming up, really, wasn't it!

KW: Very mean I thought! We were just hearing her story. It was just starting to get good, this bloke coming in!

NP: Yes!

KW: And doing this seductive thing with her!

NP: Seductive scene!

KW: And he goes and presses his thing!

SH: I might... No he didn't, he didn't do that!

NP: Do you want to tell us what actually happened?

SH: No, no, no...

NP: No all right.

SH: It's very boring, I was just waffling!

NP: Derek, what a pity, 25 seconds are left for you Derek, you take over the subject of my worst moment on stage starting now.

DN: It was working with that lovely lady of the English theatre, Dame Anna Neagle, who was wearing a throat microphone that went down her bumbles, which was held together by a certain amount of wire and elastic. And the transmitter was in her knickers. And in the middle of this particularly beautiful dance, the thing snapped, out came the electronic device from her pants and she kept on dancing most gallantly. Wonderful applause, it was a tremendous night in the British theatre and one I'll never forget...


NP: Now Derek perhaps you'll understand what I meant by we said we let you go on beyond the time. Because it was lovely hearing the end of that story, you got that extra point for speaking when the whistle should have gone. And I will now give you the final score because we've reached the end of the show this week. Well it was a very close thing in second place. Sheila Hancock, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams were equal. And in first place way out in the lead was this week's winner, Derek Nimmo! So we hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and Derek Nimmo, who returned to triumph yet again in the game. And we hope that you will want to tune in again when we play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.