JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 January 1975)

NOTE: Andree Melly's 50th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I will ask four regular and keen competitors of the game to speak if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we'll begin the show this week with Andree Melly. Andree, welcome back to that fourth chair. And the subject is concealing the body. And would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: Concealing the body is not something that people go in for much these days with streakers and all that. But I conceal my body most of my time and that's because I'm always frozen. Even as a child I used to wear leg-ins, nicker linings, nickers, vests, liberty bodice...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: A pair of nickers!

NP: What is the challenge?

DN: Repetition, nicker lining, nicker elastic or something, nicker something, there was two of them.

NP: She said nicker lining and nickers.

AM: Quite different.

NP: One is plural and the other might be hyphenated, I don't know, sort of an old fashioned thing, I'm not sure. So I disagree with your challenge and Andree you have a point for an incorrect challenge so you keep the subject and you continue. There are 44 seconds left, concealing the body starting now.

AM: My grandmother, who would be about 110 if she were alive today, used to say "gentleman's arrangements are not pretty". And I think that she really had a very good point there. Because it's clothes that make people sexy.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, it was her grandfather had a very good point!

NP: You made a very good point but you haven't made enough of a point to get a point. So Andree Melly keeps the subject and there are 29 seconds on concealing the body Andree starting now.

AM: Those dresses which go right up to the neck and down to the heels and then to a completely nude back. That's what I think is really attractive, don't you? And men's clothes today are so... lovely...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes, I agree with the hesitation Derek, so you have 17 seconds left, you gain a point for a right challenge, concealing the body starting now.

DN: A deep freezer in Rimington Place would be an ideal place to conceal a body...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud got in first.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of place.

NP: Yes it was. And there are 11 seconds left Clement, you've got a point, the subject which is concealing the body starting now.

CF: The normal method of concealing a body consists of shoes, socks, suspenders, pants, trousers, shirts...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: You can't conceal a body with suspenders!

DN: Absolutely!

CF: If you didn't...

NP: You can conceal a portion of the body with suspenders, I think that's...

PJ: No because it's already concealed if you wear trousers.

CF: Short trousers.

NP: But he put the suspenders...

PJ: You wouldn't wear suspenders with short trousers.

NP: But Peter...

CF: I have little sartorial taste!

NP: ... he did actually put the suspenders...

PJ: I can see that! But I want to get into a commanding lead and I feel entitled to ah make this protest.

NP: As chairman I also have to try as far as possible...

PJ: But is there no Court of Appeal? I mean it's er monstrous that you're having people's whole careers depend on this sort of decision that you're making now!

NP: I'm sorry if your whole career...

PJ: I don't want to appear an idiot, you know!

NP: But he did, I was trying to say, Clement Freud put the suspenders on before the trousers so even your further point would not be valid. You tried very hard Peter and we enjoyed it but there are two seconds left for Clement Freud on concealing the body starting now.

CF: Concealing the body on the part of...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of the first round Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained of course the extra point and he has taken a very definite lead. Derek would you take the next round, the subject is Taurus, Just A Minute with you now starting now.

DN: Taurus the bull, a sign of the zodiac, coming from legend of course. The great white bull that went after some old...

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of that word.

NP: Yes.

CF: The bull.

NP: Yes. And Clement, a correct challenge, a point to you and there are 52 seconds now, Taurus starting now.

CF: This is an astrological sign about which I know a great deal because I happen to have been born on the 24th of April, and am therefore a Taurean, and would be very happy to receive birthday cards next year on the appropriate date. Taurus is from the 21st of April...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of April.

NP: Yes you are right Peter and 34 seconds on Taurus starting now.

PJ: Tourists are what is wrong with London, there are far too many of them. All over the Underground, you can't get into the museums or on to the buses, into the trains. And on the pavements they are rubbernecking their way past Horseguards Parade, Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, Leicester ah...

BUZZ

NP: Oh dear! Andree you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was after the other square. Andree you have 12 seconds now, the subject is Taurus and you begin now.

AM: The only Taurus I know is one of those very obnoxious rather trendy children whose doting parents...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, she knows me!

NP: A very good challenge, he's made it quite clear he is a Taurus. So Clement I agree with your challenge, you have six seconds on the subject starting now.

CF: Among other Taureans, Her Majesty...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of Taureans.

NP: Of course Derek and you have four seconds...

CF: No no, I didn't say Taureans. I said Taurean, I said it makes me a Taurean earlier. This time I said among other Taureans.

NP: Oh!

CF: And I was going to mention...

NP: Oh it's a quibble!

AM: I got away with nicker.

NP: The audience applause tells me without any doubt they agree with Derek's challenge and he has four seconds...

LOUD BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I'll have to put it to you if there's some disagreement.

DN: Oh just give it to him, you know.

NP: Derek, three seconds, Taurus starting now.

DN: Europa was the bird he was after, and when he turned himself back into a Zeus...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo spoke when the whistle went, he gained the extra point, he's equal with Andree Melly in second place, but Clement Freud is still in the lead. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject planning. Can you talk on that now for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: If you're planning a Taurean it is very important to start in about August because otherwise you wouldn't have a hope in hell of achieving it. Now a Taurean is born...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Taurean.

NP: What are you saying? Why is it, why is it not correct?

CF: I used it in the plural the first time. This time...

NP: Well it makes life so difficult if you play it like that.

CF: Yes.

NP: Um...

PJ: And boring! Rather too much bull for me.

NP: Bully for you Peter!

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: I didn't hear you, that's all I can say.

CF: A commanding lead!

NP: I didn't hear you say it last time so I'm going to do the same with Peter I did with Derek Nimmo, give him the subject and say there are 46 seconds on planning Peter starting now.

PJ: Planning is an interesting thing if you're going on holiday, very important really, though I do tend myself to act on the spur of the moment, not pouring over maps and timetables and getting on the phone, to travel agents. but rather packing my little suitcase and hobbling off down the street, getting on to a bus and going I know not where. Perhaps with any luck to a railway station, what time is it? And then when I'm there, I choose one of these marvellous long conveyances driven by diesel engines, clamber aboard, having purchased a ticket beforehand, and go to some seaside resort. With any luck at all it could be...

BUZZ

DN: Repetition of luck.

NP: Oh!

PJ: Did I say luck before?

NP: We liked it so much! You're rotten, you spoilt it Derek!

DN: Well I don't know.

NP: Anyway I would have thought that was the absolute antithesis of planning actually Peter. But we loved it.

PJ: Oh yes it was actually yes.

NP: Derek you have one and a half seconds to go, he has a point, oh you rotten thing. One and a half seconds on planning starting now.

DN: I'm planning to help Peter Jones’ career...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones it's your turn to begin, and the subject is making the whole thing worthwhile. You could probably say the same thing as you just said before on the last subject.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Would you try and say something different and you start now.

PJ: Making the whole thing worthwhile is having an effect, achieving something so that you feel at the end of it stimulated or possibly ah purged...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I have to agree and tell you Derek that you have a point and 47 seconds on making the whole thing worthwhile starting now.

DN: Making the whole thing worthwhile for me is helping Peter Jones' career. So I will now stop.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He's beaten him! He's beaten him!

NP: Clement Freud what was your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: And you're absolutely right. And you have a point which is correct and there are 40 seconds on making the whole thing worthwhile starting now.

CF: For me making the whole thing worthwhile is receiving the approbation of the audience when I talk for 60 seconds without hesitation, deviation or repetition on subjects of pith and interest, moment and compulsion. I open my mouth and close it, teeth flash, my eyes shine and the laughter of the good people in the Playhouse Theatre holds me riveted to my seat as I push my button with my right hand, my left foot shakes from one side to the other. And the floor capitulates while the audience cascade...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's done it again! What's the challenge?

DN: Repetition of audience. The audience, they have said it all.

AM: Yes, some of us.

NP: Derek Nimmo got in with four seconds to go, yes, some of us, making the whole thing worthwhile Derek starting now.

DN: Making the whole thing worthwhile for me is to be able to come here tonight and look at the smiling faces...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was again speaking when the whistle went, he has increased his lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud in second place. Andree Melly and Peter Jones just in third. Andree your turn to begin, the subject, how to get some. That's what Ian Messiter has thought of, we'd like you to talk on it if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: I've always found that the best way to get some if it's in very short supply and other people want it too, is to be completely frank and open. Sooner or later someone will respond and give you some. The other day it was impossible...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes right Clement, there are 38 seconds left Clement, how to get some starting now.

CF: I think one of the great things about this country in which we live is that now there is no-one who should be able to get some. If you're without it, if you're short, if you're taken, perhaps ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: He was taken, hesitation.

NP: Yes he was taken, he had four ifs. Derek there are 21 seconds on how to get some starting now.

DN: Well I'm determined to get some tonight actually. As soon as I get out of this theatre I'll be looking for it. My goodness, I'll be roaming up and down, wandering around, down the street I go along the Mall through Leicester Square and Trafalgar ditto, just to save what Peter Jones was tripped up. And when I arrive, I'll see a great column sitting at the end with that distinguished Admiral sitting on the top...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: When he said ditto. I mean that's the same as saying...

NP: But when he down the Mall to Leicester Square which is completely...

PJ: Well that was devious, I know yes.

NP: So Derek Nimmo was helping you by saying that...

PJ: Was he?

NP: Which he's been wanting to do all through this session.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: So you have seven seconds Peter on how to get some starting now.

PJ: Well I am one of the people who happen to know how to get some but I'm damned if I'm going to tell anybody else...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Did I?

NP: Yes.

CF: He got us worked up!

NP: Well he was surprised you'd gone to sleep.

CF: What did he say? I'm very sorry.

NP: Well he was saying it extremely well and the audience were enjoying it.

CF: Oh good.

NP: Peter Jones you have two seconds, no one second left on how to get some starting now.

PJ: Work at it!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went so he has moved forward rapidly and overtaken Andree, but he's only in third place alas, Derek Nimmo's still in the lead, and Derek your turn to begin. What I do with it is the follow-up subject. So you've told us how to get some, now tell us if you can what I do with it, Just A Minute starting now.

DN: What I do with it is the question. And I generally put it with gin and call it ditto and it and put a slice of lemon on top of it and slosh it down my throat. Because I do sometimes put too much of the citrus fruit in with it. Other times when I go round as I said I was going to do after the programme tonight...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Two times there.

NP: Yes yes, sometimes.

DN: Yes absolutely right, my goodness me that's right.

NP: Andree, 40 seconds, what I do with it starting now.

AM: What I do with it is pretend it's not there. Sometimes in the middle of the floor, on the kitchen, I say to the rest of the family "how did it get there? Who's responsible?" And nobody owns up. But the dog, cat, children , husband, anybody. So I go about my business. I get the breakfast... cornflakes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: She was having trouble with her cornflakes!

NP: There are 21 seconds, what I do with it Derek starting now.

DN: What I do with it actually is to take it with me and when I arrive, I show it to the local populace. And they applaud and they say we've never seen one of that size and magnitude before. And they look at me with a kind of admiration that you would not believe because...

WHISTLE

NP: Your phraseology reminded us of Kenneth Williams then.

DN: I was trying to do a Peter Jones actually.

NP: And Clement Freud will you begin the next round, how I avoid it. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: If you don't get any, and you don't know what to do with it, you are pretty well bound to pretend that you are avoiding it. And then you have to pretend...

BUZZ

CF: I said pretend before.

NP: Yes and Andree Melly challenged.

CF: Can I say pretend again? Did you challenge?

AM: Yes I did.

CF: What for?

AM: Pretend.

CF: Ah!

NP: Forty-nine seconds...

CF: It sounded like that. Good challenge.

PJ: It was a tough challenge. Tough challenge.

NP: A very sincere challenge.

PJ: It was, yes.

NP: And also an accurate one. How I avoid it Andree, with you, 49 seconds starting now.

AM: Is not to say it again, otherwise you will be challenged and then you can't continue. It is extremely difficult and I think we're all absolutely brilliant to be able to play this game at all. Not to deviate, hesitate and in fact avoid it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Ah?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Hesitation!

DN: I have no reason at all, I withdraw my challenge, I actually made an absolute bog of it you see, because she repeated the subject and you're allowed to do that, you see. So I'll pretend, I'll avoid it by pretending I didn't know what she was talking about if you see what I mean.

NP: Derek you can't get out of it, it's a wrong challenge.

DN: I wasn't trying to.

NP: Andree has another point and there are 34 seconds on how I avoid it Andree starting now.

AM: When somebody says "could you possibly lend me a fiver?" I pretend to go absolutely deaf. That's a good way of avoiding it. "A lovely view, have you seen it?" I say. "Let's go to the edge of the cliff and look down and then up... at Derek Nimmo..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes right Clement, 20 seconds, how I avoid it starting now.

CF: Falling hair is best avoided by dodging. But there are all sorts of other means of getting away from subjects which you pretend you want no contact...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Haven't we had pretend again?

NP: Yes.

CF: Yes.

AM: He's done it again.

NP: Yes.

CF: I said it before you see.

NP: You can have it again and you can also have nine seconds...

AM: I don't want it!

NP: ... which is all that is left and the subject is how to avoid it and you start now.

AM: The thing to do if you want to avoid it is not to challenge and then you won't have it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of challenge. She was talking about winning and challenging earlier on.

NP: Not on challenge.

CF: Challenge, she said challenge.

NP: Did you say challenge Andree?

AM: I've no idea, I can't remember what I said.

NP: I don't think you said it before.

DN: It was deviation, repetition and hesitation actually.

NP: I don't think she did so we have to go by the chairman's memory, however fragile it may be.

CF: Really? We've been here this long?

NP: Six seconds, how I avoid it Andree starting now.

AM: Jump in the air, then with any luck you won’t land...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well Derek Nimmo was up, and that was up so two ups.

NP: There were two ups, you're quite right Derek. Four seconds, how I avoid it starting now.

DN: Well I don't often avoid it, but when I do I find it frightfully difficult and rather enjoy it actually because...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking as the whistle went, he's got another point, he's increased his lead, he's got 13, the mystical 13 there. And ah to some, unlucky to others. And Andree your turn to begin, the subject is the old fashioned look. can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: The old fashioned look doesn't really exist any more because as soon as it's out, it comes in again. It's kind of instant nostalgia, very hard to keep up with. Forties last month, fifties this, and don't know what will be...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation I thought. No? Too tough?

NP: No a bit too tough. I don't think she really hesitated, no Derek. No, 45 seconds for you to continue with the old fashioned look Andree starting now.

AM: What I do is to wear my clothes for 10 years. They are bound to be in fashion at least twice. And that gets around the whole matter. There is of course another kind of old fashioned look...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes, a tough one but correct. So Clement...

CF: Only your memory against ours.

NP: Which it has always been.

CF: She hasn't actually said of course, but I wondered how your memory was!

PJ: It's like Russian roulette isn't it really!

NP: I can say your memory must be very bad because I heard her say of course twice. And if you didn't hear her say it, then it must be an inspirational challenge. But as it was accurate you get a point for it and you take over the subject and there are 36 seconds left, the old fashioned look starting now.

CF: When you look at a barmaid in a particular sort of way, and she immediately dropped her Decorti dress and hiked up her socks, it used to be known as the old fashioned look and was much appreciated in the latter part of the 19th century and a few years after that. I don't know what success was achieved because it never appears to me that ladies who serve and dispense drink behind counters...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation. Hesitated about four times, ladies who.

NP: He repeated ladies but he didn't hesitate.

CF: No.

PJ: I thought he hesitated.

NP: I'm sorry no, he didn't hesitate Peter so if that's your challenge...

PJ: I've got a pretty quick brain, I suppose. It just seemed to be hesitation to me. Because I was ahead of him with the words.

NP: You were probably there with him and you hesitated with ah in your mind with what he was thinking. Ten seconds Peter, I'm sorry Clement on the old fashioned look starting now.

CF: If you walk down the King's Road, Chelsea, you will find a number of shops that actually trade in the old fashioned...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went. He has moved forward but Derek Nimmo's still in the lead. And we must be approaching towards the end of this week's contest. And Clement your turn to begin...

DN: Oh?

CF: The subject is making a collection. And this is the last round, you have a chance to win if you want, you're only two points behind, Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The best sort of collection that I think anybody could make is one of stuffed cockatoos. It really isn't too difficult to corner the market. What you do is go from shop to emporium, and ask the person, lady or gentleman behind the counter, whether by ah chance...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: I agree Andree and you have a point and you have 37 seconds left on making a collection starting now.

AM: The kind of collection I make though I don't really enjoy it is in cups that go in the fridge holding one egg yolk, a bit of fat, stock that never seems to get used and goes all curly. Those are the kinds of things. I think many women perhaps do the same. And you cannot cure yourself of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of kind, the kind of place and kind.

NP: Yes you are right Derek, and you have 19 seconds on making a collection starting now.

DN: I collect stuffed thrushes. And what I do is I go around from shop to emporium looking to see if they've got any of these speckled birds in the window, and say "whatho, could I..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, a thrush isn't speckled.

DN: It is.

NP: The thrush is.

CF: Not when it's stuffed!

DN: The mould is.

PJ: It's also a protected bird and you're not allowed to sell them in shops or emporiums, stuffed or otherwise!

NP: That would be deviation, but not on the speckled because he has a lovely speckled breast. And...

CF: Not after a couple of weeks of thamaldohide.

NP: But you can still refer to him as a speckled creature.

CF: Ah.

NP: I disagree with the challenge which was a good try, this is the last round. And no Derek gets a point for an incorrect challenge and he continues and there are seven seconds on making a collection Derek starting now.

DN: I would like to make a collection for the parson who is overpaid and over-privilleged...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, Clement Freud got in just before the whistle.

CF: Repetition of over.

NP: Yes that's correct Clement and you have half a second on making a collection starting now.

CF: Speckled...

WHISTLE

NP: Well in spite of Clement Freud's last thrust there, speaking when the whistle went and a point just before, he again finished in second place. Andree Melly was in third place, Peter Jones just in fourth place. But once again, our winner this week, by two clear points, Derek Nimmo! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.