JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 November 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as usual I'm going to ask each of them in turn if they can speak on some subject, phrase or word that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me if they can. And according to how well they do it, they will gain points or their opponents will. And we begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter, a good subject to start with, what I came here to say. Would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Yes I certainly will. I came here prepared to talk on South America. Because it is a big continent, I thought it would make a suitable subject for a discourse lasting about 60 seconds. Now come with me to the land of the rumba, the tango, piranha fish, and the alligators and crocodiles, I'm not entirely sure what they're called. Not to mention the...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.

NP: I think I agree.

PJ: Yes it was hesitation. Because I said not to mention, and I wasn't going to mention it, but then I thought...

NP: And so as you were searching for your words amongst the alligators and the piranha fish, Andree buzzed. And Andree, you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, there are 22 seconds left, what I came here to say starting now.

AM: What I came here to say is that liquorice all-sorts are not as big as they used to be. And nobody says so on the packet. I think it's absolutely unfair. Those pink ones...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Nobody says so on the packet? The packet is an inanimate object which would be totally incapable of speech.

NP: Nobody has printed it on the packet. Therefore Clement, you have a point for a correct challenge and 12 seconds to continue on what I came here to say starting now.

CF: I didn't really come here to say anything at all...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Well if he hasn't come here to say anything at all, there's no point in him saying anything, is there really, so it's deviation. Deviation from the subject if he's not going to talk about what he's come here to say.

NP: But I don't think it was deviating from the subject on the card. So Clement you have 10 seconds, another point, nine seconds I'm sorry, to continue starting now.

CF: But in spite of that I will say something, you see, because there are nine seconds left and if I went on for that length of time...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so at the end of the first round, he has a commanding lead over everybody else. And we'll go on to the next subject which Andree Melly will begin and the subject is frolics. So would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Frolics seem to have gone out of fashion these days. Perhaps there isn't enough hay around because that's where I believe it all took place. Hey noni no, H-E-Y, and there was a lover and his lass, that kind of thing. I must confess I've never really had a good frolic. A small romp in a blue Bellwood at a very tender age was as near as I got. Now Derek Nimmo, he's the sort of person I think of frolicking along. You wait till he gets the subject, he'll be over the hills and far away...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: I'd like the subject.

NP: You've given me a difficult problem because obviously...

PJ: Well he's certainly over the hill!

NP: She wasn't, Andree was not deviating from the subject on the card, even though you'd like to have it, and so she still keeps it, having got an extra point for an incorrect challenge, 30 seconds left Andree starting now.

AM: With that host of daffodils and the hue on his feet, the clouds passing by in the sky, he'll have a lovely time...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged again.

DN: I'd have had my shoes on so it's deviation. I never frolic without my shoes on.

NP: In Andree's imagination and the way she's putting it over, she can put you in any situation she likes. So another wrong challenge, another point, there are 24 seconds on frolics Andree starting now.

AM: And a bowler hat and a rolled umbrella. I can see him now! Oh how lovely to be with him there...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of lovely.

NP: Yes, I think you said lovely much earlier on.

AM: I did.

NP: When you think of Derek Nimmo, you automatically say lovely, I know, but there we are. Peter you have a correct challenge, you have a point, and you have 17 seconds on frolics starting now.

PJ: Well, believe it or not, The Frolics is the name of a night-club in Cyprus, often mispronounced by the troops there. I've actually been to it, well, they're very careless you know, in the way that they refer to these places. Out of bounds most of the time. However during the trouble...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Peter Jones got a point for speaking when the whistle went so he moves into third place, ahead of Derek Nimmo. Derek Nimmo would you begin the next round, the subject, making an apple turnover. Sixty seconds starting now.

DN: Making an apple turnover, it sounds like one of those childhood jokes doesn't it. Making an apple turnover, how do you do it? By making an ice scream, that sort of thing. But it isn't really. So what I, the most interesting way of making an apple turnover, now I come to think of it, I saw a few years ago in southern Australia near Adelaide. There's a particular kind of fruit fly which is known as the yellow belly. It originally came from America and was brought into combat cactus that was spreading throughout the country. Now this particular insect goes inside the apples...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly's challenged.

AM: I think there were two particulars.

CF: Mmmm.

NP: There were two particulars yes, and 32 seconds on making an apple turnover starting now.

AM: You put it on the plate. You speak to it very nicely. Could you be so kind and obliging as perhaps to turn over because I think that there is a green fly on your lower side. Well apples are not very often obliging and don't do as you ask. So you take a knife, you cut it up...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Ask twice, repetition.

NP: Yes, she asked before and you asked again. And Derek's got a point and the subject and 14 seconds on making an apple turnover starting now.

DN: It eats away the core of the fruit and then eventually they turn over on the branches. Now this was seen by a man called Charles Croyer who was a Danish inventor. And it was this very method from...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Very good try Peter with only four seconds to go. I've never heard anybody hesitate less!

PJ: He hesitated before he mentioned this Danish man, didn't he?

DN: I thought I was going rather quicker than most actually.

NP: Very much quicker yes yes, and the Danish lady in the audience told us quite definitely you were wrong. And there are four seconds left with Derek now still, having gained an extra point, making an apple turnover starting now.

DN: And I rush into my kritchen, frolicking with my apples in my hand...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

DN: Who did that? Who did that?

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: He rushed into his what?

DN: Kitchen!

AM: His kritchen?

NP: He rushed into his kritchen actually. Yes it's a thing he often does.

DN: Have you ever been in a kritchen?

NP: My goodness, you haven't lived, especially Derek Nimmo's kritchen! It's ah, so what do you think, devi...

AM: I would say deviation of an unknown place to rush into.

DN: Well you said you wanted a good frolic, if you'd come into my kritchen you'd have had one.

NP: This is one of those impossible decisions about kritchens. You can't rush into a kritchen so Andree Melly has a point and she keeps, gets the subject, there are one and a half seconds left, making an apple turnover starting now.

AM: A good pound of best cooking...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree Melly was then speaking when the whistle went and so she gained an extra point. She's now increased her lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, the subject is why I enjoy myself. You suddenly look very happy for a change so will you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I suppose the main reason why I enjoy myself is because so very few other people do so. And by default there's nothing else to do than enjoy myself. I go up to a mirror and I look, I shave carefully, I trim my bed, I pluck my moustache, smooth my eyelashes and enjoy myself inordinately. Some years ago I appeared in a film called True As A Turtle directed by Wendy Toye. And I was able to go to the Odeon and enjoy myself inordinately...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of inordinately.

CF: Really?

NP: Yes you were inordinate before. And you shouldn't enjoy yourself so much obviously, Clement! Correct challenge, there are 25 seconds now with you Derek on why I enjoy myself starting now.

DN: Well why I enjoy myself, I really don't know. As I turn on the television set and see myself on that screen, I see this great big oaf leaping about. I look with distaste and yet, somehow deep down subconsciously I do have a tiny flicker of enjoyment, as I see myself frolicking. Yes that is...

BUZZ

DN: ... the word and I can't repeat it so you've got to catch it the first time. What are you doing?

NP: Andree Melly challenged you.

AM: That was a slip of the thumb.

DN: No, never mind, point to me, point to me, point to me.

NP: What was your challenge Andree?

CF: Repetition of...

AM: It was a slip.

NP: All right, he's got a point for a wrong challenge and there are 12 seconds on why I enjoy myself Derek starting now.

DN: And I stand in front of the mirror and pluck my eyebrows and wish i could grow a beard and move my hair...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He's repeating what Freud said! He's not allowed to do that.

NP: Actually there's nothing in the game to stop him doing it.

PJ: Well it's going to get terribly boring if everybody does it.

NP: Terribly boring!

PJ: And, well, I don't think he's allowed. He's not allowed to bore people in that excruciating way.

NP: Actually you might, if you, you might if you were listening more carefully you'd have realised the audience knew...

PJ: I knew it was boring even when Freud said it! And when Nimmo repeats it, I mean, it's just unbearable!

NP: All right, it's unbearable to you, but we have to bear it because it's part of the game. And there are two seconds left on why I enjoy myself Derek starting now.

DN: I enjoy myself particularly when Peter Jones finds things unbearable!

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking as the whistle went, he's got some more points in that round. And Peter Jones it's your turn to begin, the subject is how I passed the driving test. Will you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Yes it was a long time ago. I noticed the inspector looking up and down the street and he told me that at some point in the drive he would shout stop, and I was supposed to slam...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: It's an instructor, isn't it, not an inspector?

NP: Well he might have had an inspector off the buses. I don't know. Anyway that's how he referred to it...

PJ: It's my driving test!

NP: Yes!

CF: And it was a long time ago!

NP: It was a long time ago, exactly!

AM: What were you driving?

NP: And he was also about to tell you how, so it might have been that he got the inspector which was a very er clever trick. Peter I don't think you were deviating from the subject, you have another point and 46 seconds on how I passed the driving test starting now.

PJ: Off we went and we were going along a straight road, and I noticed him peering to left and right, front and back, and then he said stop. Well i was all ready for it, got my er foot over the brake...

BUZZ

PJ: ... and my hand on the hand brake. And I slammed it on. It crashed his head into the windscreen, and passed out. And I passed.

NP: Peter?

PJ: Yes?

NP: I'd save the rest in case you get back in because you were challenged before...

PJ: Oh yes, I see what you mean.

NP: Before you actually stopped. You were just about to put your foot on the brake and you were challenged by Andree Melly.

AM: Well because he wasn't sure where he was putting his hand! And there was a big hesitation there.

NP: No, he wasn't sure where he was putting his foot actually.

AM: Or his foot.

NP: Yes but he did actually pause.

PJ: Yes I did yes.

NP: And your challenge is correct Andree and you have 33 seconds on how I passed the driving test starting now.

AM: Well how I passed the driving test, I have to admit, was a kind of bribery. I mean I was very good at driving and I did get it the first time. But I wasn't frightfully clever at that three-point turn. At the time I was in a smash hit and you couldn't get any tickets for it. So when this instructor said "now we had better do this particular difficult part, piece of the driving test", I said "oh dear, I was thinking in the dressing room last night, during this particular show, that I wasn't looking forward to this moment." And he said "which show?" So...

WHISTLE

NP: So none of us will ever know how Andree Melly passed her driving test, or Peter Jones for that matter. But Andree managed to keep going, spoke when the whistle went, gained an extra point and increased her lead at the end of the round. And Andree we're back with you to start and the subject is a bargain. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: I think that the greatest bargain I know is me. I am a really marvellous wife, terribly kind, affectionate and clean in my habits. And there I was, sitting...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It's the BBC and she's not allowed to advertise!

NP: Considering the number of people who advertise themselves frequently on the BBC, including people in this programme, I don't see how she's deviating.

PJ: You don't? Oh all right.

NP: So she has another, another point and 47 seconds on a bargain starting now.

AM: There I was, sitting on the shelf. I hadn't been there very long, but I was over 30 and a bit shop soiled and going cheap. And my husband picked me up and he says every day of his life, what a wonderful bargain I was. The awful thing is I'm no good at finding other bargains. I always get there when the price has gone up if it's houses or knickknacks, things in antique shops, junk shops...

BUZZ

AM: Shops?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Shops.

AM: Shops.

NP: Yes she shopped around too much didn't she. Clement you have a point and you have 22 seconds on a bargain starting now.

CF: The greatest bargain that I ever saw was a stuffed cockatoo in a shop in Portobello Road which went for one pound, 14 and ninepence in the days before decimalisation. I entered the establishment, asked for the proprietor, declared an interest and requested that I might be allowed to examine the bird...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo will you continue, the subject is showing affection. Would you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I think it's important to show affection to people, don't you really? Life is so cruel, cold and miserable sometimes, and if you can just stretch out a friendly hand and a gentle kiss on an unknown cheek, it sometimes does give people a curious feeling of excitement and gratitude that you have stopped in life's lonely way to give them a tiny weeny peck. And I love to give affection to people, particularly people who have been shop-soiled and left on the shelf for many years...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes there was more than one...

DN: Oh absolutely, a big crowd of them, I was kissing away like mad.

NP: And there are 35 seconds now on showing affection with you Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: I'm surprised that Derek Nimmo hasn't got into trouble, particularly if he ever travels on the Underground railway. Stretching out this hand and kissing the unknown face. However he hasn't and I would like to be the first to congratulate him. Now I do think it would be nice to trot among the um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo got in.

DN: Ah hesitation before he got trotting amongst all those...

NP: He didn't know where he was trotting, you could see it in his face. There are 17 seconds left, no 18, on showing affection Derek starting now.

DN: One should always show affection to the lame dogs, the halt, the sick, the diseased, the mentally, people like Nicholas Parsons. They're the sort of people that in life one should stretch out...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: We had too more peoples there.

NP: Yes we did yes. And the lame and the sick everything. Seven seconds now for showing affection, Andree starting now.

AM: Dogs, now they really do show affection, unlike cats which I'm not particularly fond of, because I need love...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Andree, returning after some absence, is doing remarkably well. She's got some more points and increased her lead. Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are trailing in second, third, and fourth place Peter Jones. Um Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is an awful situation. That is the subject, will you talk about an awful situation, 60 seconds, Just A Minute, starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well he didn't say anything so hesitation. The kind of thing that is an awful situation.

NP: It was an awful situation, wasn't it.

DN: Oh it is.

NP: So he's um given up, there are 58 seconds on an awful situation with you Derek starting now.

DN: A situation filled with awe. One goes back of course to St Luke immediately and thinks of that, the city of David, Bethlehem, the sssshepherds in their field, watching their flocks...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation. Because he said the ssssssssssshepherds.

CF: Oh yes.

AM: I think it was going to be fepherds in their shields, was really what was happening.

DN: You didn't like kritchens, I have to be very careful these days.

NP: His kritchens, no, I think he, he was giving an impression of keeping going, even if the words...

PJ: Giving an impression of keeping going?

NP: Yes, some of the words were clear, but I understood what he meant, I wouldn't have thought he hesitated. I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, it's gone against him on the kritchens which seems perfectly fair. And tell him that he has 48 seconds...

PJ: You mean that, that entitles him to mispronounce on this occasion, because he had a point rightly awarded against him in the previous round? Is that what are you saying?

NP: No, I have not said that. It's up to you to see what happens if he does it again, you get a challenge, you know, you might get a different decision.

PJ: Yes.

CF: One notices that!

NP: Forty-eight seconds Derek on an awful situation starting now.

DN: A particularly awful situation would be taking your driving test and to do a three-point turn, then to discover that was 300 percent more than nothing. And that would be most complicated and very embarrassing, and I would find that particularly awful as I say. Another time is to be caught with your trousers down. Has it ever happened to you, look at the audience now. There's many of them, there they are, ladies as well...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Ladies being caught with their trousers down!

NP: Well some women wear slacks.

CF: A sartorial deviation.

NP: Some women wear slacks, and they call them trousers. Thirty seconds still with you Derek, an awful situation starting now.

DN: I was flying over Saigon a year and a half ago and my plane was just coming in to land. And there on one's tail, one saw a wasp...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of one.

NP: Yes and you have...

DN: Oh we don't have one, you can always...

CF: Oh yes, one.

NP: But it was a very very definite one, and there are 20 seconds...

DN: We can have Is and mes now? We're having some new rules, are we?

PJ: Yes.

DN: Is, mes, ands, ones.

PJ: Can't wait to get to...

DN: Hes, shes...

NP: I've been very fair to you in Just A Minute, I've given you the benefit of the doubt, don't quibble now! You had a very definite positive one there and Clement picked it up. And there are 20 seconds now, an awful situation with you Clement starting now.

CF: When I came into the house, I noticed that there was a lot of noise that shouldn't have been, because it was totally deserted. Burglars had come in by the kitchen door and were rifling the refrigerator and helping themselves to a lot of frozen peas from the deep freezer. "Oh ho", I shouted, because...

WHISTLE

CF: A very boring day.

NP: I'm surprised that you weren't challenged for repetition on the ho ho.

CF: Oh ho!

DN: Oh ho! Oh ho!

NP: Oh ho? Ho ho? Oh! As well as the fact, the idea of burglars eating frozen peas, you can't even chew them.

PJ: Well he keeps all his valuables in his fridge!

CF: Well the peas are going up in price.

NP: Yes. Clement Freud you got a point then for speaking as the whistle went but you're still in third place. Andree will you begin the next round, the subject is going to the local. Will you talk on that now for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: We live in the middle of corn flakes and ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well hesitation and general sort of pack-up, wasn't it really?

NP: What was it you said?

AM: I said we live in the middle of corn flakes, instead of cornfields!

NP: Oh! I'd have kept going, some people do live in the middle of corn flakes! Ah it was a nice thought anyway but Derek got in for the hesitation, 56 seconds Derek, going to the local starting now.

DN: Whenever I go to my local, I spread rice cispies in front of them.

BUZZ

DN: I do so every night, it does help the drink to go down. I live near The Old Bull And Bush...

NP: Derek you've been challenged by Andree Melly.

AM: The cispies that should have been in his kritchen!

CF: It's the same...

DN: Look, one moment it's kritchen, you don't like kritchen. I try to help you by saying cispies instead of crispies, you don't like that either!

PJ: Yes but the R in the crispies came about 20 minutes too late!

NP: And the ah, Andree has a correct challenge and there are 53 seconds on going to the local Andree starting now.

AM: The Wheat Sheaf it's called, a lovely pub at the end of a long farm track, and thank goodness for it. Because friends come down for the weekend and I’ve never got the lunch ready. Go to the local, I say, off they do go and are missing for a very long time...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: And are, I thought it was a um, you know, but it wasn't, so it was just a and are. So I was going to say hesitation but it wasn't, I don't think.

NP: I would have thought it was hesitation.

DN: Do you really? All right, it was hesitation.

NP: There we are, you have the subject and 39 seconds on going to the local starting now.

DN: There is no justice in this world. I love going to the local when I can order my pint of ginger pop. Now that's something that is going out of fashion, isn't it. And do you know there's an awful lot to be in it, because, if , ah, there is an R in the month...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: What is he talking about?

NP: I've no idea. You have a point...

AM: Deviation, if he is um ah.

NP: Twenty-two seconds starting now.

AM: Then they come back much the worse for wear and don't notice what a disgusting meal they are having which is marvellous. But I never seem to get there. I have been in the middle of the week with the children, and then I have to sit out in the freezing cold...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't take children into a pub but she was going to qualify it and ah...

AM: I said in the freezing cold.

CF: Yes.

PJ: Anybody who is prepared to bribe the inspectors taking your driving test is surely able to get a kid into a pub for a drink!

NP: There are 15 seconds for you Andree, to continue on going to the local starting now.

AM: We all sit outside with coca cola and I have half a pint and absolutely miserable. Why can't we be like France and the continent for children to enjoy?

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of children.

NP: Yes I'm afraid...

CF: They've already waited outside the pub,

NP: Yes we're all waiting outside, but Clement Freud, and there are four seconds left Clement, and the subject is going to the local and you start now.

CF: I tend to go very quickly putting my left foot in front of my right...

WHISTLE

NP: I have just had a message that we have no more time so I'm afraid that is the end of the contest and I will read you the final score. And a very close contest it was. Peter Jones wasn't quite so close I'm afraid, he was trailing a little in fourth place. But Clement Freud was in third place, only one point behind Derek Nimmo. Derek Nimmo was in second place, only one point behind this week's winner, returning to triumph yet again, Andree Melly! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.