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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 January 1974)
NOTE: The last show produced by Bob Oliver Rogers. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I am going to ask our four contestants if they can speak on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we'll start the show with Peter Jones. Peter, nice to have you back. PETER JONES: Thank you so much. NP: Wearing the same shirt as you wore last time. The subject, Peter Jones is peat. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. PJ: When I was a boy in Shropshire, we used to get peat from a place called Wicks Or Moths... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged you. CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: One is a lad in Shropshire! NP: A very clever and witty challenge but he wasn't deviating from the subject of peat. So as it's an incorrect challenge we give a point to Peter Jones, he keeps the subject of peat and there are 54 seconds left starting now. PJ: It was delivered in a horse-drawn vehicle, and we used to burn it on the fire instead of coal or wood. And excellent it was, looked like very dark brown shredded wheat, rather larger pieces. And you could put it in the garden, milch it, or is it mulch, I forget. But you put it round it... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged first. DEREK NIMMO: Put it. NP: Yes he put it more than once, didn't he. So um Derek he repeated the word, you get a point for a correct challenge... PJ: Oh yes yes. NP: And you have 35 seconds on the subject of peat starting now. DN: I have sat here quite often looking at Pete, or Peter Jones as he's known more popularly. And I find it the most rewarding sight. That cherubic face, that elderly greying hair, the sprinkles of dandruff floating down the front. Sometimes... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. I mean, trychological deviation. NP: Ah Clement Freud is sitting beside Peter Jones, he's looked very closely at his hair and decided he has no dandruff. PJ: No dandruff at all, I use a new medicated shampoo! Since I've been using that girls won't leave me alone! If I go to a party, I have to borrow dandruff from a friend! NP: And Clement Freud is denying he'd been to a trychologist. On either score, I'm going to give it to you, if only out of kindness and consideration to Peter Jones. There are 12 seconds Clement on the subject of peat with you starting now. CF: The first time I stayed on an island where water ran through peat, I wanted to have a bath and sat on the side of the tub, awaiting the water... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly challenged. ANDREE MELLY: Two waters there. NP: Yes there were, so the subject's now with Andree Melly, she has one second on peat starting now. AM: There is that peat... WHISTLE NP: Ian Messiter's back with us, blowing his whistle in elegant Messiter fashion, telling us that 60 seconds is up. And who was speaking at that moment was Andree Melly so she gets the extra point and she has a lead over all the boys at the end of that round. She has two, they all have one. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is senior citizens. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. CF: Of all the senior citizens, I would most like to commend to you is CSM Harry Hawkins who is 77 years old and can blow his... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Well if you write it down 77 is a repetition isn't it. So therefore... NP: If you write it down it is, but if you say it, it isn't. So it's an incorrect challenge and Clement keeps the subject and there are 50 seconds on senior citizens starting now. CF: There was a time, not that long ago, when people were called old, elderly or aged. But no more. Senior citizens is the word which has come in and senior citizens they now are. A fine bunch of people if ever I, on the old side I will admit... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of people. NP: Yes indeed and you have 34 seconds Peter on the subject of senior citizens starting now. PJ: Well I think it would be a good idea, if instead of putting them into homes they were invited to join the family. And so it becomes an extended unit, and they are able to look after the children which they always enjoy and can be extremely useful and kind. And if they are relegated to areas exclusively occupied by senile people, well, it's terribly boring for all concerned. And expensive for the rest of us to keep up. But if they can be invited to take part and participate... WHISTLE NP: I feel the powerful applause there Peter, was not only for you keeping going so well, gaining an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, but it was also for the sentiments which you expressed. PJ: Oh how very nice! NP: Andree Melly your turn to begin, the subject, a bit of a laugh. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. AM: Ho, or ha, even hee, could be three examples of a bit of a laugh. This is an extraordinary... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: If she gave three examples, it must be repetitious! NP: But she didn't repeat anything, any word or anything else. She just er was repetitious in her thoughts, but not repetitious in her speech. So it's an incorrect challenge and there are 51 seconds Andree on a bit of a laugh starting now. AM: Peter Jones, thinking that he was going to get a point for that absurd challenge was, one would say, a bit of a laugh. Because I knew perfectly well that Nicholas Parsons wouldn't allow it. He hadn't really listened, I don't think, and thought what a... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Well deviation, I mean Nicholas Parsons might award a point for anything! How could she possibly know? NP: I am, I might, and I'm going to award a point against you to Andree Melly for that challenge. DN: I knew you'd be unpredictable! NP: You haven't even given me a good basis for your challenge. What was it? DN: Deviation. NP: No of course not! There are 37 seconds Andree on a bit of a laugh starting now. AM: Me presuming that in that case Derek Nimmo would have got a point was a great bit... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Of grammar. Me presuming. It's like me Tarzan or me Jane. Grammatically it is I presuming. NP: Me Jane but I presuming. Derek er Clement, you have 34 seconds on a bit of a laugh starting now. CF: I think the joke that gave me the smallest a bit of a laugh concerned an Englishman, a native of Ireland, someone whose origins were Welsh, and the man... BUZZ NP: Oh! CF: Isn't it difficult trying to... NP: It's impossible to tell a story as Peter Jones discovered a little while ago. Peter you challenged then. PJ: Yes hesitation. NP: And I would agree. PJ: Ah good. CF: Me too! What do you think Derek? NP: Twenty seconds Peter, on a bit of a laugh starting now. PJ: Well, a bit of a laugh is better than nothing at all. It's not as good as a guffaw but it is slightly better than a titter... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of better. NP: Yes there were two betters so Clement you have 11 seconds on a bit of a laugh starting now. CF: Going into a public house, these four fellows attacked the publican shouting yo... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: No I disagree, no no. Four seconds on a bit of a laugh with you Clement starting now. CF: Turn the glass upside down and ring the fire brigade... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: He said they went in shouting yo, and then he went on saying turn the glass upside down. He was just going to say hoho, you see, but he switched it because it would have been a repetition of ho! NP: Well of course this is an impossible, so you maintain he was deviating? PJ: Yes because he said they went in and said yo, and then... NP: Well all right, this is an impossible decision for which, on which I can judge because I don't know whether that's deviating or not. So I put it to the superior... CF: What do you mean? If it's an impossible decision, it means nobody can come to a decision. NP: No they're going to come, the audience are going to come... CF: Then it's not impossible! It's impossible for you! NP: Because they went in and said yo, turn the glass upside down. It doesn't make sense so it could be devious. PJ: No it's not, it's quite easy to decide... NP: No, quiet Peter! I'm going to let the audience decide... CF: I would have thought a chairman who knew what he was doing... PJ: Well I know, but you can't get them! NP: Surely after all these weeks and years, yo've all firmly established that you haven't got a chairman who knows what he is doing. If you agree with Peter's challenge of deviation, you will cheer for Peter. If you disagree with it, now be fair, you boo for Clement Freud. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You see Clement, you have the audience with you, and you have a point and you have two seconds on a bit of a laugh starting now. CF: Tra la. WHISTLE NP: I think Clement has played this so hard now, he's got complete sympathy from every audience now and they feel they must support him. Clement you've taken a commanding lead at the end of that round now. You've almost twice as many points as Andree and Peter in second place and Derek's trailing. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, so apt for you Peter I'm sure, youth. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. PJ: Well they're very often misrepresented, I think. And I do believe that it's awfully good that they're now wearing jeans and these Levi shirts. Because it's making the western people rather on the same level as those in the east. And eventually I'm hoping that all over the world there will be a kind of uniform which is certainly varied and made more colourful from one place to the other. But basically economic and levelling. So all this business of people walking about in top hats... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Repetition of people. NP: Yes I'm afraid you repeated the people. Very interesting again Peter, you talked about the senior citizens and now the levelling and the eats. Fascinating! PJ: Thanks very much. NP: It's jolly clever to do it in Just A Minute where they're all breathing down your necks to challenge you. Twenty-seven seconds Derek on youth starting now. DN: A youth that one held in a golden dawn Came altogether with a mighty yawn And round the field I heard them say Can that youth come another day... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: He's supposed to talk and he's singing! NP: If you call that singing... PJ: Well I've heard him sing and it's very like that! NP: Well that's a good reply. Um I, though I said talk, it's... PJ: You're tone deaf! You don't know probably! NP: And from your last remarks, I would think that you're exactly the same! He's allowed to keep going whether in speech or in which ever form he wishes, providing he doesn't repeat himself, hesitate, or deviate from the subject which he wasn't... PJ: You can in fact sing gibberish if you want. NP: No because if he repeats the gibberish or hesitates in the gibberish as you did a time ago... PJ: Yes. NP: ... or anything like that, he's had it, hasn't he. PJ: I see, yes. NP: You could get in with a challenge. PJ: Who's in the lead at the moment? NP: Clement Freud's in the lead, you're just two points behind. It's all very close, it's all very exciting. PJ: Oh it is, is'nt it. NP: Yes. PJ: I'm enjoying it. NP: Oh absolutely! Derek you have 14 seconds on youth starting now. DN: Richard of York gave battle in vein And that's what gave him a terrible pain Young he was with golden hair... BUZZ NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of both young and golden from the last poem... NP: Yes correct Clement, seven seconds on youth with you starting now. CF: Youth is the first syllable of euthanasia, something which I'm desperately against because it is inhuman... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, gained that extra point and has now increased his lead at the end of that round. Clement it's your turn to begin and the subject is now tobacco. Ian Messiter's given you that I'm sure for a reason, because we know your feelings on the subject. Sixty seconds starting now. CF: There was a case in the newspaper report the other day concerning a man who meant to grow cannabis but in fact chose the wrong seed in the chemist shop and grew tobacco. Which was disastrous because he didn't like smoking anything but resin, and therefore had to change his entire way of life and become addicted to a weed which actually I find very much more acceptable than the awful thing that people put in cigarette papers, pipes and even cigars. If I had my own way, which by the incredible silence from the audience who have all gone home, I don't seem to have, I would ban tobacco from civilised society. Because I loathe it, I find it offensive and I wish that in lifts or cars or other contained spaces, there was a law preventing people... WHISTLE NP: That's the first time for a long time that has happened. Somebody started with a subject and finished with it. It was on this occasion Clement Freud, so he gets a bonus point, two for doing exactly that. A subject which he feels deeply about and we all do in Just A Minute. Because as a lot of people know, we won an award as the Non-smoking Show Of The Year, because we're all non-smokers. And ah... CF: Why didn't we go on winning it? NP: Because there was no competition. CF: Because we won it about three years ago and that was it. NP: Yes that was it. CF: One would think... DN: We didn't get anything anyway, did we? NP: Not anything... PJ: Are there any other awards for not doing anything else? There might be quite a few we could notch up! NP: Well there can't be any more filthy habit as Clement has just demonstrated. Ah the next subject is the advantage I have. Andree Melly it's your turn to begin, would you take it up now, 60 seconds starting now. AM: One of the advantages I have is that I don't smoke. Which means naturally that I'm healthier than those that do. Another is that I belong to the female sex. And as this game consists mostly of men on the panel and the chairman, I know that I will win this particular point because these three gentlemen wouldn't dream of challenging... BUZZ DN: Gentlemen. NP: One of the three gentlemen has challenged you, quite legitimately. Because I think you got inhibited by what you were saying and you tripped. And um Clement, Derek had the correct challenge, 37 seconds on the advantage I have Derek starting now. DN: The advantage that I have over I think perhaps all the other members of the panel, apart from the dear lady next to me, is knowing her uncle. And also Maud her mummy, who lives in Brighton, a frightfully charming woman, lovely, gentle, the dearest person, came from Liverpool, so did I. And then they might know perhaps, yes I might be wrong on this one. But the others will probably be acquainted with dear George, the oldest teenager in the business who goes around singing his jolly jazz songs, through the halls of this country and is cheered and acclaimed wherever he goes... WHISTLE NP: This programme's becoming the Melly promotion programme, isn't it. Andree and George and the family. Ah Derek you kept going magnificently and you're still in second place. You're three points behind Clement Freud who is still in the lead, and Peter Jones and Andree Melly are trailing a little bit behind you. Derek your turn to begin, the subject, dear old friends. You've spoken about some, think about some more, talk about them, 60 seconds starting now. DN: Dear old friends include dear Mrs Melly who lives down in Brighton... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly challenged. AM: I really can't have all that again! NP: I know you can't, nor can we! But he hasn't unfortunately deviated from the subject. There are 53 seconds Derek on dear old friends starting now. DN: And her uncle, Alan Isaacs, who used to run the Bassinet Bar in Liverpool and was a most popular chap, and still is, I might say. Other dear old friends include of course that senior citizen, Clement Freud... BUZZ DN: What? PJ: Repetition of of course. DN: No I haven't said of course. PJ: Yes. DN: It's you who says of course! PJ: Oh no! You said of course... NP: It's Kenneth Williams who says of course. PJ: He said of course near the beginning, didn't he? NP: Yeah of course he did. PJ: Yes. NP: So Peter you have the subject with 40 seconds to go, dear old friends starting now. PJ: Is it as long as that, 46 seconds? It seems... NP: No, 40 seconds! PJ: Oh, 40, I beg your pardon... NP: Keep going, quickly! PJ: Yes well... BUZZ DN: Deviation, he's talking about the time, he hasn't said a word about dear old friends. NP: I must be fair, I did say start. PJ: Well it did seem as if he'd been talking for such ages, you know. And then I find that at the end of it he's only been talking for 20 seconds. It's an extraordinary gift, isn't it, that, to make it sound like half an hour! NP: Quite a few people have that gift on this programme! PJ: Yes! Quite! NP: Derek... PJ: I wonder if he ever sends telegrams? NP: You have a legitimate challenge and therefore you have 35 seconds on dear old friends starting now. DN: Matilda Mouse, do you remember reading? And I love bunny stories. These are all some of my dear old friends. And Winnie the Pooh, gosh, I often sit there, having had my cocoa at night, looking my way through books and saying oh I remember when I was a little... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of remember. NP: Yes Peter, 14 seconds on dear old friends starting now. PJ: They are really the nicest kind to have and it's quite impossible to make them afresh, even if you begin in middle life which I am approaching quite rapidly. And I think one of the most... WHISTLE NP: Peter your turn to begin, the subject is putting in everything I've got. DN: Oh! Oh would you repeat that? Putting in everything I've got? NP: Yes. Ian Messiter thought of the subject, not me, don't look at me like that. CF: Oh. NP: But Peter Jones is going to talk on the subject... CF: Oh good. NP: Sixty seconds to go starting now. PJ: Well it's something I am apt to do when I am cooking. For instance, making Christmas pudding, which I do every year, I am apt to go round... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of apt. NP: Yes, there are 50 seconds on putting in everything I've got Derek starting now. DN: You know, we should really all try and put in everything we've got. I mean when you were walking along the Strand today, did you think to yourselves, I am going to meet somebody... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well I just wanted to congratulate him in eventually getting to the West End from Brighton! NP: Which has got absolutely nothing to do with the show, has it! PJ: No, nothing at all! But it was such a relief, I felt, I was steeling myself for another of these accounts of life in Sussex and Hove! And I just felt, what a relief, a great sense of relief which I wanted everyone to share you know. NP: Well having shared it, what I'll do, because it would be unfair to the people chasing Derek if I gave him a point for that. I will allow no points because everybody appreciated your remarks Peter, leave the subject with Derek Nimmo... DN: I didn't! NP: Well it doesn't matter for Derek. DN: Oh. NP: Putting in everything I've got which you were doing with great aplomb and eclan and everything else, 41 seconds starting now. DN: Particularly when I'm travelling on a troop ship, I like to put in everything I've got. I rush up to Wrens and I watch, er round the... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Hesitation. NP: You were putting in there too much Derek, and you tripped up, and you've lost the subject. A point to Andree Melly and 34 seconds, putting in everything I’ve got, Andree starting now. AM: Well let's start with the kettle and the pots and pans, and the Welsh dresser, table, chairs. Into the removal van it goes, followed by the three piece settee, the television set, because... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation, you can't have a three piece settee! PJ: I think you can... DN: It might be broken! NP: Oh she was putting in everything she's got and doing it too quickly, so instead of doing three seater, she said three piece. All right Clement, you have 24 seconds on putting in everything I've got starting now. CF: In the kitchen putting in everything I've got would doubtless contain... BUZZ CF: Couldn't steel myself, repeating that awful list of ingredients! NP: It was a few weeks ago that you collected the show bag. CF: I know, but I keep on doing it! NP: Andree Melly challenged. AM: Hesitation. NP: Yes indeed Andree and you have 18 seconds on putting in everything I’ve got starting now. AM: Putting in everything I've got in the kitchen consists of sugar, rice, potato peelings, fish bones, the largest saucepan I can find, followed... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of saucepan. NP: Yes. CF: Earlier on. NP: And if she was putting it all in, why do you put a saucepan into a saucepan? CF: That would have little to do with the repetition of saucepan. NP: It would and from the audience reaction they thought exactly the same as that. There are eight... PJ: I don't know why she was in the kitchen at all. She'd sent everything off in a big van! NP: But you may have noticed Peter, she hadn't sent any off the kitchen things. PJ: No she put the er... NP: No she was staying behind... AM: I was in Clement Freud's kitchen because he didn't want to be there! So I was doing it for him. PJ: Oh I see, oh I didn't realise what was going on! NP: There are eight and a half seconds on putting in everything I've got Clement starting now. CF: Before you can correctly analyse... everything... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly's challenged. AM: Well hesitation. NP: I would agree yes, it's got very sharp, hasn't it. Five seconds Andree, putting in everything I've got starting now. AM: Even if you're losing and you're told you couldn't possibly win, you've got to put in everything you've got, even though... WHISTLE NP: Andree Melly showed the right spirit which one should display at all times, and particularly in Just A Minute if you're a girl fighting against three men because they always put in everything they've got. And she did come up from fourth place, I'm pleased to say, to finish in third place behind this week's winner Clement Freud! We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Bob Oliver Rogers. |
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