JAM:JClary,JLawrence,PJupitus,RWakeman
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring JULIAN CLARY, JOSIE LAWRENCE, PHILL JUPITUS and RICK WAKEMAN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 19 September 2011)

NOTE: Rick Wakeman's final appearance, Phill Jupitus's last radio appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you. Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners in this country, an around the world. But to welcome also to the programme four very talented, clever exponents of this game who are going to show their dexterity with words as they try and speak on a subject that I give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four are, seated on my left, Rick Wakeman and Josie Lawrence. And seated on my right, Phill Jupitus and Julian Clary. Please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Sarah Sharpe, who is going to help me with the score, she will blow the whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And we begin the show with Julian Clary and who better! Julian can you tell us something about my first day at school. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

JULIAN CLARY: My first day at school is ingrained on my memory. It was a very traumatic experience. I was wearing short trousers just above the knee, and I had a knock in that particular area of my anatomy if you know what I am saying. I felt very exposed. Nevertheless the teacher, Miss Lomax, said "sit yourself down Julian, there's nothing to worry about". Five minutes later I got a terrible urge to visit the bathroom. "Excuse me," I said to the person in charge who I've already told you about. "I'd like to visit the little boy's room." "No," she said, "sit down and behave.""Well...

BUZZ

NP: Josie challenged.

JOSIE LAWRENCE: Sorry, sit twice.

NP: Yes. He told you to sit down more than once. We'll never know if you made it to the gents or not!

JC: Well I'll just tell you because people might be wondering, mightn't they. In Indonesia.

NP: If you get in, you could tell us then. Or do you want to wait.

JC: Oh no, shall I wait till...

NP: You might be able to finish the story in a moment. Listen well to Josie, she's good, but she's not perfect at the game.

JL: Story of my life!

NP: The thing about Just A Minute is no-one's perfect at the game.

JL: Exactly.

NP: It'll trip you up some time like many many or very very that come in from time to time.

JL: Exactly.

NP: Right so Josie it was a correct challenge and you have my first day at school and there are 24 seconds available starting now..

JL: My first day at school was traumatic because I had had the measles. So all the children...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Oh my story's more interesting than this!

NP: What I sometimes do is give bonus points. Julian that deserved a bonus point, a lovely laugh. But you were interrupted Josie so you get a point for being interrupted and you have 19 seconds still available, my first day at school starting now.

JL: All the children there already knew each other, I felt very lonely. But in the corner, there was an obstruction, no, a construction I think you could call it, called a wendy...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Well um, was it a deviation. There was a construction in the corner, doesn't quite make sense, doesn't hang together.

NP: No it was a, I think I'll give you the benefit of the doubt Julian, because she meant to say obstruction, only she said construction.

JL: No I said obstruction and I wanted to say construction.

NP: Oh did you.

JL: Yes.

NP: Well the construction was an obstruction, was it?

JL: Yes.

NP: I'm trying to get Julian in to hear the end of the story actually. That's very generous of you so Julian you've got the benefit of the doubt and you have seven seconds on my first day at school starting now.

JC: Three times I requested visitation rights to the latrine but they were denied. And in the end there was a tinkling sound and I'm sorry, it's true, I had wet myself on my first day at school and I was mortified...

WHISTLE

NP: Well did you ever expect to get a round of applause for saying you wet yourself at your first day in school? Anyway you kept going till the whistle went and you gained an extra point for doing so and you have taken the lead at the end of that round. And then Josie's got a couple of points, Rick and Phill have yet to score anything. Rick Wakeman we'd like you to begin the next round. A lovely subject, one of my favourite words, tintinnabulation. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

RICK WAKEMAN: I actually know what tintinnabulation means, because I have a CD by a famous Estonian composer called Peart who did a lot of tintinnabulation. It's not what you think, based on that little Belgian cartoon character who has the little white dog called Snowy...

BUZZ

NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Sorry my love.

RW: That's all right.

JL: Little.

NP: Yes, little, Josie, well listened, you're in there with 42 seconds to go on tintinnabulation starting now.

JL: (in Hunchback voice) The bells, Esmerelda, they made me deaf, you know, because of all the tintinnabulation. (normal voice) I know this word because I actually suffer from tinnitus and that is also where that comes from, the tin sound, meaning a ringing, a pealing of bells. Tintin...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Repetition of bells.

JL: Oh I did, yes, no I did!

NP: You did indeed, right, well listened Julian, 21 seconds to go and you have tintinnabulation starting now.

JC: Put a bell in my hand and I'm a very happy man! I think that no-one quite understands the sound that emanates across...

BUZZ

NP: Rick challenged.

RW: There was an awful lot of hesitation. I think it's...

NP: I'm not surprised after what he said! But it was correct within the game so Rick you've got in with 11 seconds to go on tintinnabulation startting now.

RW: There was also a famous dog episode with tintinnabulation of Alsatians playing the...

BUZZ

NP: Phill challenged.

PHILL JUPITUS: A couple of withs.

NP: Oh yes that's sharp, it's true though. Yes with with with right.

RW: You'll never know what the dogs did now.

PJ: As long as they didn't wet themselves, I think we're all right.

NP: Four seconds Phill on tintinnabulation starting now.

PJ: Campanologists are some people who must enjoy tintinnabulation in its many and varied...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the first round, end of the first round, I'll let you know that Julian is in the lead with four points, then Josie three, then Phill two and Rick one. And it is Phill Jupitus to begin, swimming with dolphins Phill, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I once swam with dolphins in Florida in the United States of America. It was arranged for us by our travel agent and we arrived at our destination to meet the dolphins in question. They were called Sparky and Denise, they were two of them. We got into the water and were told we must not insert anything into the blowhole because the dolphins did not like this. We were allowed to hold the dolphins gently with our hands, and their powerful fins would propel us through the water. As one did this...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Repetition of water.

NP: Yes there was a bit too much water there. You've got in with 29 seconds on swimming with dolphins starting now.

JC: I too was invited to swim with dolphins in Perth, Australia. I got to the water's edge and there they were, their little heads poking out going mweh mweh and I...

BUZZ

NP: Rick you challenged.

RW: Repetition of ehhh.

JC: It's all one word Nicholas!

NP: No I know dolphins speak quite well.

JC: These were Australians.

NP: Oh these were Australian dolphins, were they? No I don't believe you Julian. I'd love to because we love hearing from you but no, Rick had a correct challenge, 20 seconds available Rick, swimming with dolphins starting now.

RW: I had a traumatic experience swimming with dolphins in Florida. As I got into the water, I realised that I couldn't swim. The dolphins were not at all impressed and slowly pushed me to the bottom of the pool, holding me down, hoping that it was their supper that they could eat later, because they did not like the fish that the keepers...

WHISTLE

NP: So Rick Wakeman was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And he's now in second place with Josie Lawrence, behind Julian Clary. And Josie your turn to begin, the subject is postage stamps. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

JL: What I know about postage stamps you could fit on to the back of a postage stamp. They're oblong, they have printed designs on the front and gun at the back, serrated edges. And in this country the Queen's face always I believe pointing to the left. In the olden days the glue on...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Repetition of glue.

JL: No I said gum first.

JC: Oh did you say gum?

NP: Gum yes. Gum on the back yes.

JC: Pardon me for living!

NP: No an incorrect challenge Josie, postage stamps, 36 seconds Josie starting now.

JL: You had to lick it, it wasn't self-adhesive like it is now. Some people enjoyed the taste. I had a friend, Rosemary, who enjoyed licking...

BUZZ

NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: Enjoyed.

NP: Enjoyed.

JL: It's true.

NP: She enjoyed too much, didn't she. Twenty-five seconds is with you Phill on postage stamps starting now.

PJ: One of the rarest postage stamps in the United Kingdom is the penny black. This featured the face of Queen Victoria and is much sought after by stamp collectors who are also known as phagol...

BUZZ

NP: You were searching for philatelists weren't you.

PJ: I was always looking for philatelists Nicholas.

NP: But Julian challenged first and so it's hesitation, postage stamps with you Julian and there are 13 seconds available starting now.

JC: Isn't it jolly at Christmas time when you pop down to the Post Office to get your stamps ah...

BUZZ

NP: Rick challenged.

RW: A lot of ah hesitation.

NP: No there was one hesitation.

RW: Well there was one hesitation and also the Post Office has probably closed anyway. So he couldn't pop down there, it'd be a long drive. But hesitation.

NP: I don't know what you're talking about Rick.

RW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, seven seconds, postage stamps starting now.

RW: I used to collect postage stamps when I was at school. I don't know why because I didn't enjoy licking them and putting them...

WHISTLE

NP: So Rick was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. He has moved into second place behind Julian Clary who is still our leader. And Julian it is your turn to begin and the subject is now dress down Friday. Will you tell us something about that, I've never really used the expression so I don't really know what it means, but I can guess. Will you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

JC: When I was in the metropolitan police, Fridays was dress down Friday and we would go casual. Slacks and some open heel shoes and it would really make no difference to our arrest rate. Some people thought we were going undercover, but I said no, it's dress down Fridays, Sergeant. I can't tell you what he came as, but a donkey outfit was involved. Into the back of the van we went, down to Waterloo where all the trouble-makers are. "Oi, you, you're nicked, me old matey!" "Who do you think you're talking at, Eeyore," they'd say. I'd say "don't speak to him like that, that's the man in charge. You want to get a grip, my son, oh yes!" Dress down Fridays was something to be remembered. After that when I joined the Army, dress down Fridays was also something that occurred. I would just discard the outer layer, and how long is this minute going on for? And...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes I was very naughty Julian because you were going so well and the audience were enjoying it, I let you go on. You actually went for one minute and 10 seconds.

JC: Oh really? Do I get an extra extra point?

NP: You've certainly increased your lead. Rick will you begin the next round, what a contrast to this other subject, Lord's cricket ground. Not too far from here, but tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

RW: The wonderful thing about the United Kingdom is that it has a lot of wonderful sporting...

BUZZ

NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: Wonderful wonderful wonderful.

RW: Yeah.

NP: Wonderful wonderful wonderful.

RW: They aren't that wonderful either really!

NP: Fifty-four seconds Phill, Lord's cricket ground starting now.

PJ: I visited Lord's cricket ground for the very first time last year to attend an exhibition on the sport of baseball which might seem paradoxical to some. But that said event was taken to I...

BUZZ

NP: Oh I wish it was television, they could see your face there. Anyway Josie you challenged first.

JL: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Lord's cricket ground Josie, 40 seconds starting now.

JL: In my mind the Lord's cricket gound is...

BUZZ

JL: Oh I was talking about the gownd he was wearing, the Lord, before he played cricket. The Lord's cricket gown-d.

NP: It doesn't make sense.

JL: It doesn't make sense no matter how I say it.

NP: So Rick got in first and he's got 37 seconds on Lord's cricket ground starting now.

RW: I, like somebody else who is sitting up here on this stage, is a Lord's Taverner, and our spiritual home is Lord's cricket ground. Unfortunately I have never had the pleasure of hitting willow to leather on that wonderful pitch, crease, ground, whatever...

BUZZ

NP: Phill you challenged first.

PJ: Well he had a bit of a meltdown, like me.

NP: And so you've got in with 20 seconds on Lord's cricket ground ...

PJ: I'm not optimistic!

NP: Well try, you start now.

PJ: The test match is played at Lord's cricket ground as great teams meet each other and they do... I can't do it!

BUZZ

NP: Julian you challenged first.

JC: Yes, what shall we call it, hesitation or...

PJ: I call it a nervous breakdown!

JC: It's a shame. You might get on better if you didn't move round so much. Our whole table is heaving around! It's very distracting for me!

NP: I should explain to our listeners that Julian and Phill are sitting at the same table there.

JL: Give him a bit of a massage, Julian!

JC: Well it'd be another 50 quid!

NP: Julian you had a correct challenge, you have Lord's cricket ground, 13 seconds starting now.

JC: Personally I loathe cricket and in my opinion, Lord's cricket ground would be better served as an ornamental garden where we could all go and frolic. They could still keep the name, Lord's cricket ground, but there'd be no, no balls...

BUZZ

NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm glad you stopped him after the scurrilous things he was saying. The home of cricket, I mean it's a sanctified place to us enthusiasts for the sport.

JC: It's only a game Nicholas.

NP: I know, but there's cricket and there's a game. Cricket is a... anyway!

PJ: See! It's not easy!

NP: No it's not. No, when you feel passionate about something, Julian, it is difficult. But I...

JC: It's dangerous apart from anything, cricket.

NP: Well no, you have helmets now and boxes.

JC: Sorry? I used to do fielding and that awful concrete ball thing would come flying towards me! It's not the face!

NP: It's made with leather.

JC: Well, even so!

NP: You've got half a second to go Josie on Lord's cricket ground starting now.

JL: The Lords...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julian still in a strong lead, and then it's Josie Lawrence, Rick Wakeman and Phill Jupitus in that order. And Phill we'd like you to begin the next round. Why poems should rhyme, strange subject. Have a second or two to think about it, talk on it, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Why poems should rhyme is a very interesting subject and one with which I don't entirely agree. Poetry is a marvellous field of endurance. I...

BUZZ

NP: We've had some challenging subjects this week, I must say. So Josie you challenged then.

JL: Yes it was deviation, he said endurance.

PJ: Yes I did.

NP: And you've got a correct challenge, a point, 49 seconds available, why poems should rhyme, Josie starting now.

JL: Poems should always rhyme. If they don't rhyme, then they're just stories surely? Yes, poems should always rhyme like lavender, rosemary and...

BUZZ

NP: Rick challenged.

RW: It's total rubbish!

JL: In somebody's opinion, Rick.

NP: So, was it hesitation, repetition or deviation?

RW: Well there was quite a lot of hesitation and...

NP: I think there was a bit of hesitation.

RW: Yeah.

NP: So benefit of the doubt to you Rick, 37 seconds on why poems should rhyme starting now.

RW: Edward Lear was a great exponent of the limerick and one of the things why things should rhyme is ...

BUZZ

NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Things.

RW: Yeah.

NP: Yeah things.

JL: Which rhymes with things.

NP: So Josie you've got in again on the subject nobody really wants and there are 31 seconds starting now.

JL: I suppose it would be a very boring world if artistically poems always rhymed. Look at the myriad of poetry we've had over the years. Homer's Iliad for example, that didn't rhyme and yet it was still a magnificent piece. And yet...

BUZZ

NP: Rick challenged.

RW: Two pieces.

NP: Yes there was a piece before yes. So Rick you got in, you tell us something about this weird subject, 13 seconds available atarting now.

RW: There was a young man from Dundee
Who was stung on the leg by a wasp.
When asked if it hurt
He said "not very much,
It can do it again if he likes."
That is why poems should always rhyme...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh that was a very clever exponent of that subject, well done Rick! And you move forward, you're now one point behind our leader, you're equal actually with Josie Lawrence in second place but Julian Clary is still out there, one point ahead of you. And Josie, we'd like you to begin the next round, it's your turn. And another weird subject, mediocrity starting now.

JL: For years I have been striving towards mediocrity and I can happily say that there are times when I have achieved it. I don't want to be brilliant and I don't want to be...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: I don't want.

NP: I don't want.

JL: Oh yes I know! See! Well it's working then, isn't it!

NP: Julian, 48 seconds, mediocrity starting now.

JC: It's better to be last or first, I've always thought, than mediocre. Mediocrity is something we're always told to avoid, yet strangely we are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Perhaps, some might say, it's our natural state. Mediocrity, it's a difficult word to say if you are indeed meed, mediocre...

BUZZ

NP: Josie you challenged.

JL: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah we interpret that as hesitation, 26 seconds are still available, mediocrity is with you Josie starting now.

JL: Sometimes mediocrity is a safe place to be. You don't have to answer to anybody, you can just live your life in an average kind of way. And there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make you good, it doesn't make...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: It doesn't make.

NP: It doesn't make you.

JL: Oh I know! You see, I'm striving so hard not to win this show!

NP: Well you're doing pretty well.

JL: Thank you!

NP: You're doing pretty well to win it, I mean!

JL: Oh I see.

NP: Julian that was you, another correct challenge, 13 seconds, mediocrity starting now.

JC: Mediocrity was in fact a poem by EF Benson, but it was so dull it was never published. It fully fulfilled...

BUZZ

NP: Rick challenged.

RW: Sort of hesitation there.

NP: There was a little hesitation yes Rick. So you tell us something about mediocrity, four seconds, mediocrity with you Rick starting now.

RW: Mediocrity is the word used by A and M Records to describe my first 11 albums.

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Rick Wakeman was speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point. Julian Clary is still in the lead but he's one ahead of Rick now, two ahead of Josie an a few more ahead of Phill Jupitus. And Julian we'd like you to begin the next round. Oh a lovely subject, roses. Tell us something about those beautiful blooms and flowers starting now.

JC: Oh I know all about roses! My favourite variety is called iceberg. White they are and they flower in cruising...

BUZZ

NP: Phill Jupitus challenged.

PJ: That was a hesitation there.

NP: Yes it was. And there are oh, quite a lot of seconds, 52 seconds, roses with you Phill starting now.

PJ: My favourite rose is a wild variety called the dog rose. When I am taking my hound out for a walk, we often see these fine bushes blooming in the summer Essex countryside and I think to myself about the beauty of these fine flowers. And then...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Is that repetition of fine?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yeah.

NP: He talked about the fine before. And so it's a correct challenge, let's hear more about hybrid roses from you Julian, 37 seconds, roses starting now.

JC: If you climb over the walls of Buckingham Palace, Her Majesty has a magnificent collection. You can pick as many as you want, they're free. She doesn't mind, she never potters about the garden herself, you know. She's got punters...

BUZZ

NP: Rick challenged.

RW: Awful lot of shes.

NP: All the shes, I'm afraid there. He let two go, but the third one, he picked you up, right. Twenty-five seconds, roses with you Rick starting now.

RW: My favourite rose is a hybrid called hanky panky. And it's a sort of red and white stripe, very pretty. And it was taken from the rachel rose and one other rose which name I cannot remember.

BUZZ

NP: Josie challenged.

JL: I'm sorry to be pedantic but he said rose twice. And I think the title was roses.

NP: It is, it is.

RW: Yeah but if I said it...

SHOUTS OF "OOOOOOOOHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

JL: (wicked laugh, then in witch voice) Hello my pretties!

RW: If I said it twice, that means there's two of them.

NP: Trying to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute, Josie is actually right. So Josie you have another point and another correct challenge, you have the subject, roses, 12 seconds starting now.

JL: Roses are a flower that has always scared me, probably because of the thorns. If you prick yourselves on these awful little pointy monstrosities, you can sometimes get blood poisoning. I...

WHISTLE

NP: So we are moving into the final round.

SHOUTS OF "AWWWWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh you are lovely in the audience right. I'll give it to you in ascending order. Phill Jupitus who did extraordinarily well, he's trailing a little in fourth place and then ahead of him, second in equal place are Josie Lawrence and Rick Wakeman. One point ahead of them, out in the lead is Julian Clary. And Rick Wakeman it's your turn to begin, they've gone very quiet, trying to create a sort of dramatic atmosphere. As we go into the final, it's a lovely subject to finish on, cuckoo clocks. Tell us something about cuckoo clocks Rick, starting now.

RW: For five years in the 1970s I lived in Switzerland. And the first thing I discovered was the cuckoo clocks didn't actually come from that country. They came from Austria which was a big disappointment to me because I discovered that where I lived had actually done ...

BUZZ

NP: Um Julian challenged.

JC: Repetition of discovered.

NP: Yes you discovered right earlier on.

RW: I went there twice.

NP: In Just A Minute it doesn't matter.

RW: Right.

NP: Cuckoo clocks is with you Julian and there are 45 seconds available starting now.

JC: I met a man in a nightclub once who said would you like to come home with me and see my cuckoo clock. I must have misunderstood him! Eventually we (unintelligible) and there was this wooden thing on the wall going cuckoo. I said yes, come on then, let's get down to business, but no, it was simply a time telling machine. Well that was one of the worst... nights of...

BUZZ

NP: Phill Jupitus has challenged.

PJ: A little hesitation there.

NP: There was a little hesitation. Right, cuckoo clocks is with you Phill, 21 seconds available starting now.

PJ: The moment the bird pops out of the hole in the front of the cuckoo clock I am transfixed and wait for his next appearance. Shall it be four or five times? Well, that very much depends on what the actual time is that he emerges...

BUZZ

NP: Rick challenged.

RW: Repetition of time.

PJ: Times and time.

RW: Oh yes that's good point.

NP: Yes oh yes. Well said, quite true, 10 seconds, still with you Phill having got another point of course, cuckoo clocks starting now.

PJ: They may be fashioned from pine or perhaps from oak, but which ever wood it is that they are crafted from, these clocks are the pride and joy of those who own them. Up on the wall, chiming the time...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Phill Jupitus was then speaking when the whistle went, and with that final surge he's moved forward, but he's still in fourth place. But you did so well last time Julian, Phill, sorry. So equal in second place were Josie Lawrence and Rick Wakeman. But two points ahead of them was a man who said it won't work but it did work this week Julian. Julian Clary you are our winner! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Phill Jupitus, Julian Clary, Josie Lawrence and Rick Wakeman. I thank Sarah Sharpe who has helped me with the score, and run the stopwatch for me and blown the whistle with such delicacy. We are grateful to our producer Tilusha Ghelani. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here in the Radio Theatre at Broadcasting House. And so from our audience, from me, Nicholas Parsons, and this talented team, thank you for listening, tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute! Yes!

THEME MUSIC