NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you. Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country, but around the world. But to welcome to the show four exciting, talented, players of this game who have come here to express themselves in words and language. And they are, seated on my right, we have Phill Jupitus and Julian Clary. And seated on my left, Josie Lawrence and Rick Wakeman. Please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Sarah Sharpe, who is going to help me keep the score, she will blow the whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And we begin the show with Josie Lawrence. Darling, who better! Josie, I think it applies to you, the first time wearing spectacles. I think you used to, do you still...

JOSIE LAWRENCE: Oh no, I still do, I've got contacts! Blind as a bat!

NP: Right, will you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

JL: I remember it so well. Nine years old, and I heard "will the children go to the main hall for eye tests". Now my vision had been getting blurry for a few months. Everything looked like an expressionist or an impressionist painting and I didn't even know what that meant at that age. That's how bad it had got. I stood there and the nurse said "now dear, just look at the board and tell me what you could see". The letter E, that was all. She handed me a brown paper envelope and said "you're going to have to be wearing spectacles soon, darling, give this to your mummy and daddy". I was an actress even then, I ran into the playground, screaming, ranting, raving, "no, I'm going to be wearing spectacles". My...


NP: Julian you challenged.

JULIAN CLARY: Repetition of wearing.

JL: It's in the title.

JC: Oh is it?

NP: It's in the title yes.

JC: Oh I do apologise.

NP: You can repeat the words...

JL: Sorry my love.

NP: So sorry Julian, you have an incorrect challenge so you get...

JL: And it's a true story as well.

NP: I know. It doesn't really matter. And you get a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, you have 15 seconds to go, my first time wearing spectacles starting now.

JL: The sewing teacher, lovely Mrs Bayliss said "oh come on, it's not that bad". I wear spec...


NP: Rick challenged.

RICK WAKEMAN: Repetition of the word bad.

NP: Oh yes, earlier on, you said it was bad.

JL: I did, I don't mind.

RW: Sorry Josie.

JL: I will get you back one day!

NP: So Rick, you have got in with eight seconds to go on this subject...

JL: Eight seconds?

NP: Yes, you've done all the hard work and he's got only eight seconds now to take it in. My first time wearing spectacles Rick, starting now.

RW: I went to the optician when I was about 40 years old to have an eye test and it was a Polish lady who took it...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: He said a Poe-shish lady.

RW: Well she was Poe-shish. She was, she actually, she came from Poland but she had a speech impediment.

NP: I think she's got you actually.

RW: I think that's fair enough.

NP: Josie you were complaining about eight seconds, but you've cleverly got in with one second to go. You've won no friends, but you've got another point, and you know the subject, one second to go starting now.

JL: And so...


NP: In this game, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Josie Lawrence, and you won't be surprised to know, she is in a strong lead at the end of the first round. Phill Jupitus will you begin the second round, a lovely subject, cartoons. Is it something you love or not? Anyway, talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.

PHILL JUPITUS: When I was a young boy, I used to spend my summer days watching cartoons. While everybody else was out scampering around the park or the countryside, there I was, ensconced in front of the television, enjoying the finest art form that man has ever brought to bear. Yes, cartoons, 24 drawings spliced together every second to bring us an image of joy, of laughter, of pain. Rabbits, ducks and other characters frolicking around the screen with gay abandon. How one enjoyed to see this marvellous spectacle while one's friends were there in...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Sorry I, I was so excited, my thumb went down by mistake! I'm sorry Nicholas, I know I've lost a point. I'm sorry!

NP: Yes you have because he did actually repeat something.

JL: Oh did he? Oh one.

NP: It's too late now.

JL: Oh you, you little tease!

NP: I can't do that, no, it wouldn't be fair. If you can remember it, you can come in later. So you have 25 seconds still...

PJ: No, but thank you for reminding everybody else that there is a potential challenge out there, as soon as they remember it. I like this!

NP: But that's the fun we have in this game...

PJ: I know! It's cheeky! Right! How long have I got?

NP: You've got 25 seconds.

PJ: Never going to happen!

NP: And you're not exhausted from cartoons yet, I'm sure you've got more to tell us. And you begin now.

PJ: Mickey Mouse and...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Was it screen?

NP: No it wasn't. You're all going to try now! No it wasn't.

JC: Wasn't it?

NP: But the audience enjoyed your interruption because it was rather amusing. So we give you a bonus point for the interruption, but Phill get a point for being interrupted and he's still got the subject, 23 seconds on cartoons starting now.

PJ: Tex Avery was an animator who was born in Texas, who made some of the finest cartoons we have ever seen to this day. One of the greatest was called Red...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Repetition of seen.

NP: Yes that's right, you saw them before, you see the cartoons, you've seen...

PJ: I will see them again!

NP: Julian you've cleverly got in with 14 seconds to go, the subject is cartoons, you've got another point of course and you begin now.

JC: What a marvellous world where a cat can defeat a mouse. Or is it the other way around? No-one seems to have noticed. But I think it's a lovely colourful world, the environment of cartoons where these...


NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: Repetition of world.

NP: Yes that's right, he did repeat world.

JC: You were quite late coming in with that.

NP: I know.

PJ: I know, but Nicholas hadn't reminded me that you had made a repetition!


NP: Whoops, what the...

RW: Was it television?

NP: I'll tell you when this round is over. So it was a correct challenge to Phill Jupitus, with two seconds to go on cartoons starting now.

PJ: Chuck Jones made one of the...


NP: Phill Jupitus was then speaking as the whistle went, and gained that extra point, he's now taken the lead at the end of that round. The word he repeated was friends. He said about friends quite early on and then he talked about something again with his friends later.

RW: When you don't have many, you mention them a lot.

NP: Rick will you begin the next round, oh a lovely subject, King Arthur. tell us something about King Arthur in this game starting now.

RW: When I was a little boy of six years old, I was sent to a village in Cornwall called Trafalgar, which was very close to Tintagel, the home of King Arthur's castle. Although that's not strictly true, because it's a Norman building, and not one built at the time of King Arthur. I bot ah...


NP: Josie you challenged.

JL: He's started talking olde worlde English there. (talks gibberish)

NP: Oh right...

RW: I learnt it, I learnt it from the Poe-shish woman.

NP: I think we'll interpret that as hesitation.

JL: Hesitation.

NP: Or actually it's deviation from English as we understand it really, isn't it.

JL: That's true.

NP: That's probably the correct challenge. So anyway Josie you've got it, you've got 41 seconds on King Arthur starting now.

JL: If Arthur hadn't been a King, he would have been a brilliant dentist. Very good at extracting things from difficult places. He pulled the sword out of the stone, Escalibur and off...


NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: I think you'll find it is Excalibur.

NP: I think she said Excalibur, didn't she.

JL: I did say...

PJ: Escalibur.

JL: I said Excalibur.

PJ: You said Escalibur.

JL: I said Excalibur.

NP: Well it's got further to travel to you. I should explain to our listeners, Phill's one side of the room and Josie's the other. Josie's right beside me and I think she actually said Excalibur.

PJ: If only someone had recorded this Nicholas, and we could hear it again.

NP: Well when, when the show is actually transmitted, if I am wrong, I will send a nice little gift to you. But...

PJ: A point will suffice, Nicholas!

NP: No, I think she said Excalibur, it came over to me as Excalibur. And I'm sure that's what she meant to say if it didn't come out as Excalibur. Often people say ex, it sounds a bit like ess. And so Josie...

JL: Yeah my ess-boyfriend was always telling me that!

NP: You have what I call the benefit of the doubt, and if I can redress the balance some time later, Phill, in your favour, I will do so. So the benefit of the doubt to Josie, 30 seconds to go on King Arthur starting now.

JL: He created Camelot but the trouble was it was a time of peace. King Arthur didn't know what to do with his knights, so he'd make up different quests like "go off and get me a cup". A cup?


NP: Rick challenged. What's the challenge, Rick?

JL: Can I challenge myself?

NP: No, Rick's light came on first. So his was the first challenge, what was it?

RW: He had a lot of cups.

JL: (laughs) He did.

RW: He had an awful lot of cups.

JL: Why did he have to go and look for any more?

RW: He didn't need any, did he really.

JL: No.

NP: No right Rick, you've got a correct challenge, you have 19 seconds, tell us more about King Arthur starting now.

RW: I bought a book when I was down there. And it was very interesting because it laid the benefit for me of making an album about King Arthur, and all of his knights, such as, er such as...


NP: Julian you challenged first, yes.

JC: That was hesitation.

NP: That was a definite hesitation so you got in on King Arthur with seven seconds to go starting now.

JC: King Arthur had a marvellous table that was his pride and joy. It was round so they do say and he polished it every...


NP: I love the way you went into period English when you were talking about him, as they do say. Right so Julian, oh it's a very interesting situation. Josie's in the lead, one point ahead of Phill Jupitus and Julian Clary, and then Rick is two points behind. Anybody's game still if you are interested in the points. I think the entertainment is more important, but er... it doesn't matter, the audience couldn't care bloody less, could they? Julian will you begin the next round, tell us something about Eurostar, that's the subject, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

JC: Well it's a train, a tunnel, I believe that was built by six men. It took them three weeks. One of them took their shirt off, such hard, arduous toil. Now of course you can pop along to St Pancreas, purchase your ticket and look out the window. And before you can say Jack Robinson, you're in Paris where they do speak funny. I could have attempted French accent but I am not going to. Eurostar, it's a tribute, I think, to technical expertise. What a marvellous thing! Would our grandparents have believed, in this day and age, that in a matter of hours, we could be in a whole new continent, travelling under the deep blue ocean. I personally...


NP: Rick challenged.

RW: It's not an ocean, it's a river.

NP: It's not a river.

JL: It's not, it's known as the Channel tunnel.

RW: It's the Channel, isn't it.

NP: It's the Channel.

RW: It's the Channel yeah.

NP: Yeah but I mean when is a Channel an ocean or not an ocean?

RW: Oh there's a big difference.

NP: Yes I know there is.

RW: Yeah, the poe-shish woman told me.

NP: I think I should give the benefit of the doubt to Julian and say that ah... no no, you because it's... it's not an ocean. It could be, I'll probably get letters saying it's all part of the Atlantic Ocean or something like that, but we know it as the English channel. So benefit of the doubt to you Rick and you have 18 seconds. Tell us something about Eurostar starting now.

RW: Just last week I went to the Ebbsfleet Station to catch the...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: It's not a station! It's a terminal!

NP: is it a terminal, audience?

RW: No, it's a station.


NP: No no no, they know.

JC: No, I was attempting a joke. At the expense of Ebbsfleet.

NP: Well you got a couple of good laughs so give him a bonus point for that. And you get a point because it was an incorrect challenge and you keep Eurostar, you don't keep it, you keep the subject and 15 seconds starting now.

RW: The ticket collector looked at me and said "Eurostar: and I said "well I'm not as famous as Julian Clary..."


NP: Phill Jupitus challenged.

PJ: It's two saids.

NP: Oh that's right, yes, two saids. Phill, 10 seconds are still available, tell us something about Eurostar starting now.

PJ: I journeyed from the beautiful station of King's Cross where you...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: That's a terminal!

NP: It is a terminal but he didn't say travelled to, he travelled from it. So you go to a terminal to pick up the train to travel, don't you.

JC: I don't know. I don't travel by train.

NP: No I don't think it is a legitimate challenge, I really don't. So Phill, anyway, I said I'd give you the benefit of the doubt if it came up...

PJ: Thank you, thank you Nicholas.

NP: So that redressed the balance, you got the benefit of the doubt, you've got five seconds, Eurostar starting now.

PJ: Across the road...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Well he said King's Cross and it's actually King's Cross St Pancreas.

PJ: Yeah from King's Cross, across the road, to St Pancreas. The magnificent journey isn't just the one to France. Let me tell you that's a beautiful road you cross. Taxis, people, whores, everything.

NP: And a lot of rebuilding at the moment, because I came down it today and it took ages. And it's blocked off at the end. Right, Eurostar still with you Phill, four seconds starting now.

PJ: As you walk into the beautiful premises of St Pancreas Station, there is...


NP: So Phill Jupitus was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And he has taken the lead ahead of the other three who are almost equal in second place. Josie it's your turn to begin and we'd like you to take the subject of water cooler moments. Sixty seconds starting now.

JL: Water cooler moments are those lovely little things that happen, usually in the office. There's Geraldine, May, they want to talk about Sarah but she's shitting next to them...


JC: What's she doing next to them? Was this, was this south of the river?

NP: It's a good try but actually, I think she was sitting quite innocently beside her. So an incorrect challenge...

JC: It's ruined my evening!

NP: We enjoy, we enjoy hearing from you Julian, I've given you a couple of bonus points already. I can't give you any more at the moment. Fifty, 50 seconds are still available, water cooler moments is still with you Josie starting now.

JL: Are you thirsty, dear? Yes I am actually. So off they go to the water cooler for a bit of a gossip. There are other things that can happen at the water cooler. Flirtations! There's Jeremy with little Lillian, they're having a lovely little time together...


NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: There's a couple of littles there.

NP: A couple of littles.

JL: Yes I know! I know!

NP: You were running out of steam, weren't you, as well.

JL: I was... I wasn't!

NP: Well I think it's a very difficult subject on which to talk.

JL: Well, I've had some water cooler moments myself.

JC: Perhaps, perhaps you need a nice sit.

NP: Oh I think you're getting bonus points all along Julian. Phill, correct challenge you have water cooler moments, 34 seconds starting now.

PJ: Water cooler moments are something that those who make television programmes pursue in order to find their demographics. Yes if people discuss television prograaahhhh...


NP: Josie you challenged first.

JL: Television programmes.

NP: Television, yes you got it back again Josie, 25 seconds, tell us more about your water cooler moments starting now.

JL: And then of course there's Cedric. He's having a bit of trouble down below after the curry last night. The toilet is too far away so he'll travel up to the water cooler for a bit of a moment...


NP: Rick challenged.

RW: A lot of bits.

NP: Yes there was...

JL: Did I say bit a lot?

RW: There's been a lot of bits.

NP: Yeah so he let a couple go but he got you on the third one. Twelve seconds...

JL: You'll never know what Cedric did!

NP: ... Rick, water cooler moments starting now.

RW: Water cooler moments is a very interesting subject for me because I have never actually had any water cooler moments. So it might be prudent for me to either repeat myself, hesitate, or even deviate...


NP: So Rick Wakeman was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. It's very close you know, Rick, Josie and Julian, they're all equal in second place, and they're just two or three points behind Phill Jupitus who also starts the next round. Phill the subject is the red carpet. Tell us something about that which figures in our profession quite a lot and your time starts now.

PJ: The red carpet is a place where those who are famous gather in number, where they can be seen by the great and the good, and even the general public can be seen milling around...


NP: Josie you're listening well.

JL: Two seens.

NP: Yes, you got in first, the red carpet is now with you with 49 seconds to go starting now.

JL: The carpet of celebrity could not be yellow, that would be too bright and show the marks. It couldn't be blue, that would be...


NP: Rick challenged.

RW: Couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't.

NP: Couldn't be, couldn't be.

JL: Yes all right.

NP: So Rick you got in on the red carpet, and you had 42 seconds to tell us something about it starting now.

RW: I once arrived at a hotel in Beverly Hills where the red carpet was laid out from the front door. I stood on it and the doorman came rushing out and said "please get off, it's reserved for Stevie Wonder". I said "that's a bit of a shame, isn't it really". And he said "it's for important people and you are not im..."


RW: Impotent!

NP: So Josie what was your challenge?

JL: Important.

NP: No, actually...

JL: Because he didn't get...

NP: He didn't get the word out before you challenged.

JL: It's like the Mayor of Dudley joke. Do you know that one?

NP: No, tell us!

JL: The Mayor of Dudley goes to visit a prostitute but he's having trouble and she says "are you impotent?" and he says "of course I'm impotent, I'm the Mayor of Dudley".

NP: That's a lovely Brummy accent. But actually you challenged only after he said im.

JL: Imp, you're right, you're quite right.

NP: So therefore it's an incorrect challenge, isn't it.

JL: Mea culpa.

NP: And you actually helped him because he was going to say important.

RW: Quite I was.

NP: And so Rick you've got the benefit of the doubt, you've got 24 seconds, tell us more about the red carpet starting now.

RW: It's not always the red carpet in other countries. In Indonesia, it's the orange carpet because that's the colour that they really like for important people...


RW: Who are impotent.

PJ: Unless the King of Indonesia is impotent? And if His Majesty is listening, I cast no aspersions.

NP: And the red carpet Phill, 13 seconds starting now.

PJ: At film premieres, one can see the celebrities, the like of which one has never... Oh!


NP: Josie.

JL: One.

NP: One. The like, one like yes, Josie you got in with eight seconds to go on the red carpet starting now.

JL: There's something so exciting about going to an award ceremony and seeing the people there, the flashes...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes you mentioned people before.

JL: Oh before, I can remember.

RW: They were different people though, weren't they.

JL: Yes they were different people.

NP: But what matters in this show is the words.

JL: I know.

NP: So Julian you've got in and you've got the red carpet as the subject and you've got only two seconds to go...


NP: ... starting now.

JC: Carry On Columbus was my only experience...


NP: So Julian was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. It's now in sequence, one point separating all of them, Julian, Rick, Josie and Phill in that order, one point each one is ahead of the other. So Rick would you begin the next round. The smartest person I know, tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

RW: The smartest person I know can mean two things. Either how they dress if they look fabulous or for their intelligence. The two ah intelligent people...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Two.

NP: Two, yes yes right. Josie you've got in with 50 seconds to go on the smartest person I know starting now.

JL: The smartest person I know is a professor of art. He would say "look, that painter doesn't need to fill this canvas, it is already full." "What of", I would ask. "Towel", he would say. I'm not sure if he is the smartest person I know, or just really stupid, because I've never understood a blinking word he has ever said...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Well that's deviation then, the subject is the smartest person. You're talking about the most stupid person.

JL: But I, I was, I was discussing whether smart and stupid are one and the same.

NP: But she was conveying that she didn't understand it so she was conveying that she would be stupid...

JC: It's not that difficult!

NP: Julian, I'll tell you what I'll do. I've given...

JC: I am last, remember!

NP: Yes! No, you're fourth, you're in fourth place. I've given the benefit of the doubt to Josie before...

JL: Yes.

NP: So you can have a benefit of the doubt this time.

JC: Thank you.

NP: And you have the subject with 29 seconds to go, the smartest person I know, starting now.

JC: The smartest person I know is my Uncle Ken who wears a full three-piece suit and tweeds and a hat, and fresh underpants even to put the rubbish out of a Friday morning. And when he goes gardening, he even...


NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: A smidge of hesitation there.

NP: Yeah there was a definite hesitation.

JC: And a repetition, after the gardening.

PJ: Was there a repetition?

JC: Even.

PJ: Good Lord! Well, I'll have that, if you like, Julian!

NP: Fourteen seconds for you Phill on the smartest person I know starting now.

PJ: The smartest person I know is Stephen Fry. I appear with him on the programme QI where he exhibits some extraordinary dextrous mental skills, showing how much he knows of many, many subjects...


PJ: Oh my God!

NP: No, it isn't, it's so easy, that's what's so fun about this game. So fun...

PJ: Fun? This should be banned by the Geneva Convention!

NP: And then we wouldn't be employed, we wouldn't get the work, we don't want to ban it, no. No, let it proliferate around the world!

PJ: We could work at Guantanamo Bay, Nicholas! You in the red boiler suit (makes a buzzer noise), deviation.

NP: Rick you challenged first. Many many. The smartest person I know and you've got in with one second to go and you start now.

RW: The smartest person I...


NP: So Rick Wakeman was speaking as the whistle went, he's now equal in second place with Josie Lawrence, one point behind Phill Jupitus, and one point behind them is Julian Clary. So I've had a message that we are moving into the final round. And Josie, it's your turn to begin, the subject is a strange one here, the way to a Welshman's heart.

JL: Oh! (laughs)

NP: You laugh already. Do you know some Welshmen?

JL: I do!

NP: Oh good, right, 60 seconds starting now.

JL: There'll always be a welcome in my valley for a Welshman! The way to a Welshman's heart is this. Humour and music, they love it! Think how sexy Welshmen are. Tom Jones, Richard Burton, Hamid, just invite them round for a meal and start singing at them. (in Welsh accent) "Oh come over by here", (normal voice) they'll say. So bloody gorgeous! I've known so many Welshmen in my time. The first one was called Matthew. He seemed quiet at first, but once I wore my little daffodil dress and shook my nushy at him, he was anybody's! I got straight to his heart! Welshmen are so precise in what they want from a woman. They like them to be sturdy, honest and ever consuming in their loyalty towards them. Another man I knew was called Tarquin, a strange...


NP: Oh Julian challenged.

JC: Oh what a shame to interrupt you!

NP: I know!

JC: It was because there was more than one man in your life!

JL: Yes!

NP: And we loved hearing about them Josie. And the irony of this is you went for 53 seconds, and you've got nothing to show...

JL: I was making it up, Mother!

NP: But it was deeply appreciated, not only by all of us here, but also it will be by the listeners. And...

RW: Nicholas? Sorry, could I go off and have a cold shower please?

NP: I think we all need one actually! You had a correct challenge Julian.

JC: Thank you.

NP: And so you have seven seconds to tell us something about the way to a Welshman's heart.

JC: The best way to a Welshman's heart is through his rare-bit. Get that right and he'll stay with you for life! Your place...


NP: So oh well, what an interesting result and what a fair result, because they all gave such wonderful value, were all so humorous and clever. But Josie Lawrence and Julian Clary finished up equal in second place. And they were only two points behind our joint winners, Phill Jupitus and Rick Wakeman! A round of applause for them! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine, humorous and exciting players of the game, Phill Jupitus, Julian Clary, Josie Lawrence, Rick Wakeman. I thank Sarah Sharpe who has helped me with the score, she's blown her whistle with such delicacy. We are grateful to our producer Tilusha Ghelani. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing and unusual game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here at the Radio Theatre who have cheered us on our way. So from the audience, from me, Nicholas Parsons, and the team up here, good-bye, and tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!