JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,JBakewell
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and JOAN BAKEWELL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 February 1979)

NOTE: Joan Bakewell's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Joan Bakewell in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard from our announcer we're delighted to welcome Joan Bakewell as our guest. She's going to try and pit her wits and her talent against our three regular competitors of the game. Each one will try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them without hesitating, without deviating from the subject or repeating anything. And we'll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And the subject Kenneth is my ideal. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: My ideal would have been when I was very young, Florrie Plume, who wore two felt hats, because she was frightened of any bombs dropping and thus causing her considerable injury. She taught me about the delights of kumquats and was led by her aunt all the way through Devon, only having one pause which was on a bullock cart as it approached Dorlich. When she and I did come together, I conceived a passion and I must say it might have been consummated had my parents been so disposed. But since I was only 11 and she was in service at the time, over 25, there was no chance of us, so to speak, getting together. Therefore I remained unfulfilled, thinking of this ideal only in the mind, never having this affection, love you might say, requited...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell has challenged.

JOAN BAKEWELL: Love, deviation, I think from ideals.

NP: Yes, oh, I thought you were going to have repetition there. Deviation from his ideal? Well, I would have thought for Kenneth Williams to have fallen in love might have achieved his ideal? But um, I think it's a very good challenge and as he was getting very confused there, and as you are our guest I do think the only fair thing I can do there is give you a point for a correct challenge and say that you have nine seconds to take over the subject of my ideal starting now.

JB: It's very important when one conceives of an ideal person to make sure that one never has any opportunity of fulfilling any relationship with them. Otherwise...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was our guest Joan Bakewell. So at the end of the first round, she is the only one to have scored. And Derek Nimmo, will you take the next round. The subject is conkers. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: How I like to stand in the autumn of the year beneath a spreading chestnut tree, and throw up into it stones and branches to try and bring down to the ground these lovely little nut kernels, the conkers, which I will then put on a piece of string and go around and find chums who have similar things on the end of pieces of rope. And bang away at their conkers. And if you succeed, in fact if u conquer using the other sense of the word, then you tie a little knot on this piece of... strah that you...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones?

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes, hesitation, searching for another description for the word string. Peter you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject and there are 32 seconds left, conkers, starting now.

PJ: Yes, as Derek said, it is the fruit of the horse chestnut and I suppose...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Repetition. As Derek has just said.

NP: Ah but Peter Jones hadn't said it. So if it's only if he repeats it, you see Peter hadn't repeated it!

KW: I see! You're making these rules up as you go along!

NP: It hadn't altered actually! Peter, an incorrect challenge, you still have conkers and you have 27 seconds starting now.

PJ: And before the age of television and even many years ahead of the invention of numerous toys that children have now...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell has challenged.

JB: Nothing to do with conkers at all, this. This is all about the future of television!

KW: Absolutely right! You're absolutely right! Well put, might I say, well challenged! She's very good, isn't she!

PJ: I said before the invention...

JB: Thank you!

PJ: ... of these things...

NP: Yes...

PJ: ... conkers I was about to say...

NP: Yeah but you didn't get there quick enough and I think Joan has a correct challenge and there are 20 seconds left on conkers, Joan, starting now.

JB: The best way to prepare a conker for a match, such as Derek has referred to, is to take the fruit and put it in the oven, at a very low heat, and leave it there for some three or four hours. If the conker...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I think three or four hours is much too long!

JB: I was just about to explain why.

NP: So what is your challenge?

PJ: Well, just er, spinning it out too long!

NP: Give him a point...

PJ: Half an hour at least! You know...

NP: It must be deviation for which I disagree because you can put your conker in the oven for as long as you want. There are six seconds left for you Joan having got an incorrect challenge to continue on conkers starting now.

JB: After this time...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I'm afraid so Joan, that's what happens in this game because one and a half seconds went...

JB: He's sitting next to me being so kind and smiley...

NP: Yes! You're deceived! He was just giving you encouragement to get you started. But now...

JB: It's his turn!

NP: ... the true side has come out! There are five seconds left on conkers with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: This was an appellation applied to myself! They cried out "oh he's a conker if ever I saw one...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: I was finishing then so I get a point don't I!

NP: Yes...

KW: That means I'm in the lead, right?

NP: No, you're in second place behind our guest Joan Bakewell, and equal with Peter Jones...

JB: Oh dear!

KW: They shouldn't have women on this show!

NP: And Derek Nimmo is third. Peter will you begin the next round, the subject is sampans. Tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: One of the most exciting scenes in the world is the Water Market at Bangkok where the sampans are floating about loaded with bananas and curry and various fruits and vegetables. And they're all jockeying for position and some of the people are fishing from them and others swimming in the liquid around them. Now I was called at 9.00 in the morning, I dashed down, I got into the motor launch and I scudded through these crowds of er excited...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Derek, 26 seconds are left for sampans with you Derek starting now.

DN: How I love to leave the Scented Harbour of Hong Kong in a sampan and go out to Chun Chow or Lang Tao or Llama Island, paddled by a dear old lady at the back, one of the Hacker Women perhaps with a big hat, with black around the side of it. And as we go, she hands to me a few little piece of pigeon meat, cut up and wrapped in a lettuce leaf. I think this is as near to heaven as one can possibly have...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: It may be near to heaven but it was a long way from the sampans!

NP: I agree with your deviation, he was on about the pigeon meat and not the sampan. There are three seconds left on sampans Peter starting now.

PJ: You can make your own sampan if you get enough wood and...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went got another point and he is now in the lead alongside Joan Bakewell. And Joan your turn to begin and the subject is rabbits. Can you tell us something about them in this game starting now.

JB: Richard Adams' book, Watershed Down, teaches us that rabbits are very similar to human beings in the way that they think, speak and act. Though the... when I had my (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN.: Hesitation.

NP: Yes...

JB: Absolutely!

NP: ... I think you're rotten!

JB: You're so right!

DN.: No, it was rather mean, I'm sorry, I'm very rude...

NP: I hope she gets back at you! She's never played the game before. But it was a correct challenge and so I give it to you Derek and there are 47 seconds on rabbits starting now.

DN.: The family Austin were the first people to introduce rabbits into Australia, they lived at Bowlack which is down in Western District. They were first transported out to Van Demands Land in about 1840...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell.

JB: The rabbits or the people?

DN: The people.

JB: Well, change of subject then.

NP: Yes!

JB: Deviation.

NP: Deviation.

DN: They had to get there to get the rabbits sent out to them, didn't they!

NP: Yes...

DN: Rabbits weren't indigenous to Australia!

NP: As you were tough with her, I'm going to be tough with you...

DN: Quite right!

NP: ... and give it back to Joan. Joan you have 36 seconds on rabbits starting now.

JB: I realise that I... er...

BUZZ

NP: It is difficult! Derek?

JB: It's impossible!

DN: She realised she hesitated.

NP: Yes! Thirty-four seconds are left for rabbits with you Derek starting now.

DN: Every time it gets to the first of the month I say rabbits, leap out of bed and rush around because I know this will bring me good luck. When one used to be away at boarding school, one used to do quite different things and kiss the first person that one saw coming down the staircase. That I no longer do, I just say rabbits, because it does seem to me to be a totally satisfactory thing to do. Particularly if you have a rabbits foot in your pocket, it will give you even greater good fortune. Now I was going to tell you about rabbits and the Antipodes...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! Seven seconds on rabbits with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Yes well they were introduced to Australia, but as you know there are a lot of very good tennis players there. Some of the ones that don't play...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well, he's now talking about tennis players!

NP: Yes but some tennis players are referred to as rabbits when they're beginners and that's what he was saying.

PJ: Yes!

NP: Or about to say! And so there is one second left on rabbits still with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Quite right Nicholas!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was again speaking as the whistle went and his er information about rabbits has kept him in the lead, now ahead of Joan Bakewell. Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo are equal in third place. Kenneth we're back with you to start. The subject that Ian Messiter has brought along for you is Thomas Sidney Cooper, the painter. We make that clear because obviously you've got to talk about him and not some other Thomas Sidney Cooper. And there are 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well he was famous, apparently, for drawing animals, and painted coaches originally for a living. And then eventaully graduated to becoming drawing master. And during the course of his life there occurred this trip he had, to Belgium and Holland, the low countries as some would have it. And while there had considerable difficulty sketching this horse. He said "for goodness sake" to the osler, "keep it still!" And the other one cried out "she's a Flemish mare!" And indeed they are a very, what do you call it, fiery tempered beast, these... splendid...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation, you were running out.

NP: Yes! Nineteen seconds, Derek, on Thomas Sidney Cooper the painter starting now.

DN: Anybody who has visited Canterbury will have seen the Thomas Sidney Cooper Museum. It's filled with the most wonderful works of art and give great delight and joy to anyone who visits that fair city.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: He's not discussing the man Cooper, he's talking about an exhibition at Canterbury.

NP: Which was named after Thomas Sidney Cooper.

KW: Canterbury was named after Thomas...?

NP: No!

KW: Oh indeed, what a fool! What an idiot!

NP: I don't think he was deviating from the subject, he had connected the two with the Museum at Canterbury. But I like your response!

PJ: Quite!

NP: There are 10 seconds Derek with the subject starting now.

DN: He was indeed famed for painting piles and sheep, particularly the others of the afore-mentioned beast. And he gave them the most wonderfully delicate touch. And with sheep he could do the most beautiful thing...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of sheep.

NP: Yes he did too many sheep for your Just A Minute contest. Oh, and only half a second left, how clever are you Peter, starting now.

PJ: Stubbs...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones, needless to say, has increased his lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo's moved into second place, he's just one ahead of Joan Bakewell and Kenneth Williams who are equal in third place. Peter, your turn to begin and the subject is simply, pleasure. So can you tell us something about pleasure in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well pleasure is very rarely unalloyed. And Lord Chesterfield wrote about pleasure at great length and very frequently. As far as I can remember from his letters to his son, though unfortunately I'm not able to recall any single thing that he said! What a pity, because it would have padded out this little chat about pleasure...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well, because I know what Lord Chesterfield said! I thought it might be quite helpful really, that's all!

PJ: Yes, well, if you could have slipped it to me unobtrusively, it would have been all right!

NP: Your challenge was deviation, and as he wasn't deviating from the subject, um...

DN: No!

NP: ... it's a wrong challenge and Peter keeps it. There are 37 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Pleasure can be a reward, something that comes at the end of a great effort, when one is made some particular...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Um!

NP: Yes!

DN: He sort of stopped!

NP: He thought about pleasure and he dried up!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Very significant! Twenty-seven, 27 seconds are left for pleasure with you Derek starting now.

DN: Talking about pleasure, Lord Chesterfield said, a man of fashion is never heard to laugh but only seen to smile. Which I think is one of the most important...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well that's got nothing to do with pleasure!

NP: Yeah...

PJ: He did talk about pleasure and Lord Chesterfield did write about it, but that's about manners and laughing.

NP: But the impression...

DN: Some people get pleasure from laughing!

NP: ... he must have been expressing his feelings about something pleasurable.

PJ: No, no, no, he wasn't! His son...

NP: I don't think you smile about unpleasurable things! So I don't think actually Derek was deviating. Good try Peter, and a very difficult decision for me to make, but I will come down on Derek's side and say he has 18 seconds to continue on pleasure starting now.

DN: My own conception of pleasure has been wandering along a deserted beach looking for conk shells, which I particularly like and collect most avidly. I have a little pink bucket that I put them in, together with some seaweed and the occasional shrimp. That to me, is the height of pleasure as far as I am concerned. As I continue...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was speaking then as the whistle went, he gained that all important extra point. He's moved forward, only one point behind our leader who's still Peter Jones. Joan Bakewell and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little now. And Joan is going to begin the next round, the subject is springs. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

JB: In the summer of 1976 we had the good fortune...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: She's talking about the summer, rather than the spring! Deviation!

NP: The summer of 1976 must have followed a spring! So you didn't give her a chance...

PJ: It followed the spring of 1976 actually!

JB: Be generous, I'm a starter!

NP: That's incredible! How did you work that out? Good lord, I'm glad you came along, we would never have realised! Um Joan, it was an incorrect challenge, you only went for three and a half seconds, you still have the subject, you've got an extra point of course for a wrong challenge, and there are 52, one and a half seconds left on springs starting now.

JB: We stayed in a hotel that was built on a point of land where a number of springs came together. And this made a tremendous difference to the aspect of the garden. Whereas the rest of the landscape surrounding the hotel was arid and rocky, the garden which was watered by the springs was full of colourful flowers and grass and weeds and was a most beautiful sight. Whereas the hotel residents gathered (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well we had three hotels, I'm afraid!

NP: I know! I was...

JB: It was a very large one! Sorry!

KW: Three hotels!

NP: Not at all, no, I was just wondering how long you were going to be able to keep going without collapsing Joan. Well there are 34 seconds left for springs with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well on the subject of pleasure Dr Johnson said...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: He's talking about the previous subject!

NP: I know! He's just woken up!

KW: He said springs, you see, he said about springs, I was going on to quote the mention of springs, he said...

DN: You said on the subject of pleasure!

NP: The subject of pleasure!

KW: Hope springs eternal! What are you talking about?

NP: I think you should have it Kenneth! So um very artfully done, I think, at the same time! There are 31 seconds left for springs with you starting now.

KW: Well if you can't get it in in another place, you've got to try to get it somewhere else. And I...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: In Mr Peter Jones' usual words, this is a family show!

NP: Family show! It used to be your battlecry in Just A Minute, was a family show!

KW: Either I'm very naive or a complete fool!

NP: I don't think you're either!

KW: Thank you! Thank you! I'm not conscious of having said anything that would give offence!

NP: No, you look a bit unconscious at the moment! But I don't think you were deviating from the subject of springs...

KW: Thank you!

NP: Even though you were lowering the tone of the family show!

DN: What has it, getting it in, got to do with springs?

NP: Well they go up and down so you've got to get it in! Presumably?

KW: Exactly!

NP: Yes! There are 24 seconds Kenneth on springs starting now.

KW: One of the most difficult things when it comes to upholstery is to get the cloth over the springs. Now you can get it in at a certain angle...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He's got it in twice!

NP: Yes! So Derek will you try and get him out of it and there are 15 seconds on springs starting now.

DN: I went on my honeymoon to the south of France and there I had a very springy bed, and somebody had tied beneath it a large bell. And you have no idea the laughter that ensued as the evening went on, and juan de pan. we had to move the next night...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell challenged.

JB: Family show challenge!

NP: Yes I know!

DN: We were married!

NP: Bells and...

JB: A little intimate!

NP: Yes but I'm still... anyway, well tried Joan but actually he wasn't deviating from springs, so he has another second to continue starting now.

DN: Spring...

WHISTLE

NP: Who challenged? Oh! So Derek Nimmo has now taken the lead, and he's just ahead of Peter Jones, who's just ahead of Kenneth Williams, who's just ahead of Joan Bakewell. And Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. Ships that pass in the night, will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: The most vivid illustration that springs to my mind, apropos ships that pass in the night, occurs where the incident of the California actually did pass the Titanic. Now at the time in distress she was sending up these fairy lights or whatever they're called. And the other man thought "oh they're having a firework display." And that is the reason he said afterwards at the trial or inquest or whatever you call the proceedings that were incurred after that terrible wreck that did happen. I mean, the iceberg did hit it, I mean, or came into contact with it...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell has challenged.


JB: A confusion of a...

NP: I think deviation of everything, yes.

KW: The ships did pass in the night! The California passed the Titanic...

JB: Kenneth, I believe you! I believe you!

KW: It was the most extraordinary occurrence because they were sending up fairy lights, you see, and he said "oh how lovely!" Extraordinary thing!

NP: Yes!

KW: I always think about it when I think about the Titanic because you know, the man said on board "waiter I know I ordered ice but this is ridiculous!"

NP: So thank you for the good value Kenneth but you were deviating onto icebergs and other things. So Joan you have a correct challenge and there are 21 seconds for ships that pass in the night starting now.

JB: The danger of the increase of traffic in the Channel in the moment is that shis, ships will not indeed...

BUZZ

NP: You rotten thing! Yes!

DN: Shis and ships!

JB: Shis and ships!

NP: There were too many ships in the Channel now...

KW: A slight, a slight mispronunciation! I mean, where's your gallantry! You've got a guest on the show, a lady! Haven't you got any politeness? Where's your manners, for goodness sake?

NP: And that's the man that says we shouldn't have women on the show!

KW: Well I mean I usually do, but with her, it's different! She's a professional, isn't she!

NP: Yes! Steady on, I thought it was a family show! Kenneth, Joan Bakewell's one of the loveliest guests we've had, but, and I agree about the gallantry, but er...

KW: Thank you!

NP: ... it was a correct challenge so it goes over to Derek with 17 seconds left starting now.

DN: Ships that pass in the night and speak each other in passing. Those immortal words of Longfellow have now passed into the language through that lovely poem. One thinks about the ships that come from...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: What lovely poem?

DN: Longfellow's Wayside Tales.

KW: Well, tell us about it then, you can't just...

NP: He doesn't have to, he's not obliged to tell you poems in Just A Minute...

KW: I mean, he said it's come into our language through this lovely poem. Well what is this language that we're all speaking?

NP: Kenneth, he's not obliged to tell you any poems or anything at all, as long as he keeps going and...

KW: Well I want to know! He's obliged...

NP: Well he might take you into a little corner afterwards and tell you!

KW: He said it's come into our language through Longfellow! Well what is it!

DN: I told you! Wayside Inn!

NP: Derek you have six seconds to continue with the subject of ships that pass in the night starting now.

DN: Dirty British coaster with a salt keep smoke stack...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well this is nothing to do with Longfellow!

NP: I notice...

KW: He's gone onto quite another poet!

NP: he can move on to Masefield if he wants to afterwards! It doesn't really matter! He can go on with whatever he likes!

KW: Well I think this is very off-putting! Here we are, one minute being told that Longfellow's written something that's passed into our language, which he fails completely to give one example of, and then he quickly, hastily I noticed...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: ... went on to another poet entirely!

NP: Yes, but you can put each other off as much as you like...

KW: I think it's deviation!

NP: Well you're putting us off right now! And holding us up! And there are three seconds for Derek to continue on ships that pass in the night starting now.

DN: Only a signal shown, a distant voice in the dark...

WHISTLE

NP: So with those incorrect challenges from Kenneth Williams to Derek Nimmo, and also one extra point for speaking as the whistle went, Derek has increased his lead. And Derek, it's your turn to begin. The next round is spot the lady. So can you tell us something about her in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well it's probably easier to do on the programme tonight because of course there's only one lovely lady amongst us. Another way I suppose of spotting the lady might be to give her an injection of measles because then she would soon be covered with very nasty spots which would not be at all pleasant. Another way could be to throw ink at a woman and them she would be covered with blue spots! To spot the lady I think also refers to a card game, but I'm not entirely sure about it. I think I used to call it in my childhood Ginny Greenteeth but I think it's much the same sort of arrangement. Where you deal a pack of these mentioned lovely sheets of paper with stars, and er clubs and diamonds, nobody wants to talk about spot the lady but me, because nobody knows anything about it at all...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones?

PJ: Repetition of nobody.

NP: Yes! Indeed yes, and a lot of other things I'm sure, 15 seconds are left with you Peter on spot the lady starting now.

PJ: Well it's really a confidence trick and I've seen it practiced in Oxford Street. And they have one man who's dealing the cards, and he has two accomplices. One of them is putting the money on, and trying to egg foreigners, visitors to...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Just a minute, Derek, Derek challenged with half a second to go. What was your challenge Derek?

DN: Well I think that's called Chase the Ace and not Spot the Lady.

NP: It depends on who's playing it.

PJ: What I'm talking about is Spot the Lady.

NP: Yes Derek, so Peter has another point with half a second to go starting now.

PJ: Trumps!

WHISTLE

NP: I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute and Peter Jones with that last flourish didn't quite catch up on our leader. But let me give you the final score in reverse order. Joan Bakewell our guest, who's never played the game before, came and did so well and she's got only one point less than Kenneth Williams. So let's have a round of applause because it's a very difficult game! For Joan Bakewell! I hope that you'll be free to come back in a few weeks time and play it again Joan.

JB: If I've got the confidence!

NP: Oh that's what it's all about and you did marvelously. Kenneth Williams just beat you, one point ahead. Peter Jones was a few points further ahead and in the lead, three points ahead of Peter was our winner this week, Derek Nimmo! We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.