JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,JBakewell
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and JOAN BAKEWELL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 March 1979)

NOTE: Joan Bakewell's last appearance.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Joan Bakewell in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard from our announcer we welcome back Joan Bakewell after her triumphs a short while ago to play, a short time ago, sorry, a week or two ago, to play the game among... oh Iíll start again...

BUZZ

JOAN BAKEWELL: Deviation!

NP: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just...

BUZZ

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition!

NP: Youíre quite right Derek, I said it last week. I am allowed to say it again this week and I canít be had up for those penalties.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well get on with it! Hurry up! Stop hanging it out! Heís always hanging it out isnít he!

NP: I just wanted to say that you would have heard from our announcer that we welcome back Joan Bakewell who did so well on her previous visit, whoís going to play the game against our three tough and unremitting players of the game. And we, and once again theyíre going to try and talk if they can for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. Weíll begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is improvisation which is what I was trying to do a little while ago. And would you talk on it in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Improvisation is something which Nicholas Parsons does unsuccessfully as you would have noticed in the last few moments! This is something which weíre often asked to do...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of something.

NP: Yes. So right away we have a challenge and it was a correct one, so Peter you get a point for that and you take over the subject of improvisation and there are 52 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Improvisation is something which we British claim to have a genius for. I think itís hypocrisy because normally itís an excuse for inefficiency and bad organisation. For instance, Dunkirk being hailed as a great victory of improvisation was actually the result of bad planning. And this has occurred many times in history. And of course improvisation is something that actors in particular have to excel at in order to be able to rehearse sometimes without proper scripts and at other times without...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Repetition of times.

NP: Yes, other times. Kenneth you have a correct challenge there, you get a point for that of course and there are 17 seconds left and the subject is improvisation, you start now.

KW: The improvisation that springs to mind when the subject is mentioned, as far as I am concerned, lies with the master of the Washipful Company Cordwainers who made a very lengthy introduction to the guest but eventually cried out "I now call upon...

WHISTLE

NP: What did he say?

KW: He said "I now call upon Lord Birkenhead to give us his address". And he said "itís 19 Grosvenor Square and Iím going right now!" I thought as a bit of improvisation it was rather nice. I was trying to get it out, but you blew that bloominí whistle. I mean...

NP: Well Ian Messiter...

KW: Youíd think weíd come here to play some game or something wouldnít you!

NP: Well Ian Messiter always blows the whistle after 60 seconds which tells us that time is up. And as you know whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. And it was you Kenneth and youíre in the lead at the end of the first round.

KW: Oh thatís very nice! Heart warming!

NP: Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject... oh Kenneth! The subject is my shyness. Well knowing your proclivities to use one of your favourite words would you tell us something about my shyness in Just A minute starting now.

KW: It stems from a deep sense of personal inadequacy. I long ago realised that I hadnít got the wherewithal with which to face this very competitive society in which we all have to grub about trying to make a living. And so I allied myself at school with a very strong young man who happened to be the captain of the football team. And I said if anyone tends to want to be aggressive in any way, will you bash Ďem in the face for me? And he said yes. And I had a great...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell.

JB: Ah itís not shyness heís talking about, itís cowardice!

NP: Very good challenge Joan! So sheís learnt a lot after her first visit a few weeks ago...

KW: Yes she has learnt a lot! Yes!

JB: Who from?

NP: Twenty, 20... playing you at your own game, thatís the whole secret of being successful in Just A Minute. Joan you have 27 seconds for my shyness starting now.

JB: My shyness stems from my school days when I was small and extremely fat. And whenever I was in company with tall willowy blonde girls I felt completely inadequate and therefore I tried to avoid such situations. This has fortunately not lasted all my life, and I do indeed enjoy going into parties and occasions...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No of course not. There were not a hesitation.

JB: Please! And it all...

NP: The poor girl has got to breathe. If you can speak without breathing, she canít! There are three seconds on my shyness starting now.

JB: Fortunately for me the days have come now...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of fortunately.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did say that before. There are one and a half seconds on my shyness Peter starting now.

PJ: I darenít say anything!

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Joan itís your turn to begin, the subject is the Alps. Would you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

JB: France, Italy, Germany and Austria all have common this particular land mass of peaks covered in snow at the centre of Europe. Now a long time ago these Alps were regarded as a barrier between one community and another and seen by each set of people as a defence against invaders or indeed they themselves were considering being aggressive as a problem to be solved. Hannibal himself had to face the Alps when he was crossing from Spain via France into Italy to march on Rome. And we all know that he decided, foolish General that he was, to take with him elephants. It is not known how many of these elephants survived...

BUZZ

NP: Awwwwww! Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Iím so sorry! Iím so ashamed!

NP: So you should be!

DN: I donít like to interrupt your impartiality but she did say elephants twice.

NP: I know! But 46 seconds without being interrupted and a guest as well! I think that was a great achievement. But there were too many elephants Iím afraid, going over the Alps...

JB: There were for Hannibal.

NP: No, no, he did them but you didnít need them Joan because you were challenged and there are 14 seconds with you Derek on the Alps starting now.

DN: My favourite Alps are the Southern Alps. To go up to Mount Cook and on a ski plane and then go down the Tasman Glacier, or past the southern Fiords, down to Milford Sound. See this great mass of snow which is in fact much longer than the Northern Alps and...

WHISTLE

NP: On that occasion it was Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went. Derek your turn to begin, the subject is caravans. Can you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well I can tell you something about caravans because my very first home was a caravan. And when I purchased the same I parked it in a car park...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: He couldnít, however precocious he may have been as a child, have purchased his first home!

NP: Thatís a very, yes, because his first home must have been when he was an infant.

PJ: Exactly!

NP: Exactly so very clever challenge Peter, you have 52 seconds on caravans starting now.

PJ: The dogs bark but the caravan passes. Thatís one of my favourite sayings. And if we visualise these vast trains, usually camels passing across the desert bringing the spices and perfumes of the east further west, to us, in the er capitalist er Europe...

BUZZ

NP: Derek.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he was getting a bit bogged down in the sand here. Right Derek you get the subject back, there are 26 seconds on caravans starting now.

DN: One New Years Eve when parked in Chissock I invited into my caravan 20...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Second park, he said park the first time.

DN: No, no, park-ed.

NP: He parked.

KW: He said car park last time.

DN: Yes, parked and park.

KW: You said car park last time.

NP: Yes car park. Kenneth you have the subject and you have 20 seconds on caravans starting now.

KW: The most disgusting thing about them is of course you havenít got your running water. And we all know that in order to go to the lavatory and feel cleansed afterwards you need your running water...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: His water was over-running!

NP: You had too much running water there Kenneth. There are nine seconds on caravans with you Derek starting now.

DN: Coming out of Dubai last year I saw coming towards me a beautiful...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said coming twice.

NP: Yes he did.

DN: He did.

NP: And there are four and a half seconds left for caravans with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Lots of them have running water and they have shower baths as well and they...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones has taken the lead, getting that extra point as the whistle went, heís one ahead of Derek Nimmo, two ahead of Joan Bakewell and three ahead of Kenneth Williams. And heís going to begin the next round, the subject is the art of doing nothing. Can you tell us something about that Peter starting now.

PJ: Well I accept that it is quite difficult to do it but Iíve never been able to subscribe to the idea that it is in an art form. Because although one can sit still and not actually twiddle oneís thumbs or move oneís feet or even talk or look at anything with oneís eyes closed, one can... still...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I thought a bit of hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a bit....

KW: Iím afraid! Iím afraid! I donít like having to pounce on people in this fashion but after all somebodyís playing the game, no, no, no, itís fair, hahaha!

NP: You in the mood Kenneth?

KW: Yes!

NP: Right, 37 seconds are left on the art of doing nothing starting now.

KW: This of course is a non-starter. That is to say it is an expression which has gained some sort of credence, heaven knows why, because an art, as Peter Jones inferred though he didnít have my kind of articulation and therefore wasnít perhaps as fluent as he should have been, it does mean the form and ...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Heís showing off!

NP: Does he...

KW: Is that possible? Do I look like someone who stands around showing off?

NP: I was going to say does he ever do anything else? But it wasnít deviation anyway Kenneth so you keep the subject. All that happens for that wrong challenge is you have another point and you have 17 seconds to continue on the art of doing nothing starting now.

KW: What it really means, the art of doing nothing, in point of fact describes that which appears to be an art. The art, so to speak, which conceals art. You will say of someone who lights a cigarette to the manor born...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of say.

NP: Oh...

KW: Yes thatís right! Heís very keen isnít he!

NP: So heís got in with one and a half seconds to go on the art of doing nothing starting now.

DN: The art of doing nothing...

WHISTLE

NP: And heís also got another point for speaking when the whistle went and heís now taken the lead ahead of Peter Jones. Kenneth Williams, itís your turn to begin and the subject is Eugene Henri Paul Gaugin. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well it seems extraordinary that a man who was a stockbroker and had five kids should suddenly go lift himself off and just take off and well he went to...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell has challenged.

KW: Well he went off to Martifeet, I was just trying to say that he went off.

JB: General confusion of thought and of delivery...

NP: He went off too much....

JB: ... and manner.

NP: Well he went off!

JB: He went off!

NP: Yes! Definite repetition of off and there are 51 seconds for you on the subject of Eugene Henri Paul Gaugin, Joan, starting now.

JB: Paul Gaugin was one of the most influential painters of the 19th century. He was born in Paris but as a small boy his mother took him to Peru of all places, simply because she had family connections there. And the family lived there for four years...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: She had two families.

NP: Yes. There are 34 seconds on the subject of er all these Christian names followed by Gaugin starting now.

DN: Paul Gaugin became a professional painter really quite late in life. And then moved to Brittany where he met of course Emile Bennard. This was the great influence on his life as indeed were the paintings of Sousan. And he moved eventually to Tahiti because he wanted to find...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two moveds.

NP: He moved twice. I know he did but he er... So you have the subject back which you were given originally to start, Eugene Henri Paul Gaugin, starting now.

KW: He expressed this terrible distaste for what he saw as the jaded palate of decadent Europeans. And said that only in the primitive art form could be found the source of new inspiration and ideas to recreate, so to speak, the inner spirit of a man...

BUZZ

NP: And Joan Bakewell has challenged.

JB: Heís too loud!

NP: And as youíre sitting next to him Joan youíre the best judge of that. What else are you challenging him on?

JB: No I just, I had to stop him in full flow.

NP: Yes you did, full flow, yes, his flowís never been fuller has it? So Kenneth you have a point for a wrong challenge and four and a half seconds on the subject starting now.

KW: So off he went, you see...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Off he went twice.

NP: Yeah off he went before. Mmmm Iím afraid.

KW: He did go off!

NP: Four seconds on the subject with you Derek starting now.

DN: This beautiful Polynesian island was such a source of inspiration for him...

WHISTLE

NP: So once again Derek Nimmo got in just before the whistle went, gained that extra point and increased his lead at the end of the round. But Kenneth Williams has moved into second place, just one ahead of Peter Jones and two ahead of Joan Bakewell. And Joan your turn to begin, the subject is making marzipan. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JB: The art of making marzipan is one I notice you expect a woman to be better practiced at than the man. However that does happen to be true. And I am quite skilled at doing this because I have had two children whose birthday cakes year by year have required me to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Iím so sorry, year by year.

JB: Year by year.

NP: You are rotten arenít you! Always do it to her, donít let her get away with anything do you?

DN: Iím sorry!

NP: Forty-four seconds on making marzipan Derek starting now.

DN: Making marzipan! What an evocative phrase! I havenít got the foggiest idea...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Well itís not evocative the way he said it!

NP: No! A hesitation.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Between each syllable!

NP: Yes, 37 seconds with you Peter on making marzipan starting now.

PJ: Well I would guess that you have to get the very finest ground almonds, and some brown sugar. Whether you put egg yolk in it or not depends I suppose on the question of diet. Much better if you can, employ someone to do it for you. Get a first class chef, someone who is skilled in the art of making sweetmeats...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of someone.

NP: Yes there was.

PJ: Sorry.

NP: Thirteen seconds, making marzipan Derek, starting now.

DN: Making marzipan always fills me with tremendous excitement because I know how to do it. You have to get almonds which you crush out very quietly, and jelly, egg yolk if you really want to, take it into the kitchen...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Yes I think itís deviation isnít it.

NP: Well I didnít know what he was talking about, so...

KW: I mean deviant...

NP: I think rubbish for making marzipan....

PJ: Anyway he pinched my recipe!

KW: I meant devious in so far as he told us before he knew nothing about it and the subject is...

NP: Yes well Derek, Kenneth sorry, you have three and a half seconds for making marzipan starting now.

KW: Youíve got to get your white of egg, separate it from your yellow and...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams is pulling up on our leader Derek Nimmo, heís only three points behind him now. And ogres, Peter, will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well ogres are huge massive things that eat other people, or smaller er than themselves...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, there are 47 seconds on ogres starting now.

DN: A prime example an ogre is Nicholas Parsons, the beast of Hampstead! Weíve all seen him sit up there for 13 years, giving totally dishonest and partial...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Iíve only been here for five years! I havenít seen him for 13 years! Deviation!

NP: Deviation! Undoubtedly, every single word, I was waiting for it from somebody, they would have got it right away. Yes I said 47, actually there were 57 before, this time there are 42 seconds on ogres with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Well theyíre giants I suppose...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He started with well again. Repetition of well. He always starts with well if you notice.

NP: He hasnít started with well in this round. So he keeps the subject and there are 40 seconds on ogres Peter starting now.

PJ: On the contrary Iím likely to start feeling rather unwell when Iím challenged on these ludicrous words...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: The subject is ogres, not being challenged on ludicrous words.

NP: Yes youíre quite right Derek, er Kenneth so you have 33 seconds to take over the subject of ogres starting now.

KW: They loom very largely in myth. We hear of the Ogre of the Hydra, a many headed monster. And various Norse legends picture these things as dragons. And our man who was called George, and apparently theyíve now said he was not a saint at all, so weíve all been living under, apparently an apprehension...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell challenged.

JB: Saint George was not an ogre.

KW: I said the ogre was the dragon he was slaying, dear. You werenít listening! You are a disgrace! Wash your ears out! They shouldnít have women on this show!

NP: I agreed with her challenge and after your insulting behaviour the only decent thing I can possibly do is to give it to Joan Bakewell. I agree Joan entirely youíre right. Nine seconds are left with ogres started now.

JB: Jack and the Beanstalk is a classic example of a myth that incorporates an ogre. The giant who comes down from...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I thought she said giant earlier, but she didnít, I take it back.

NP: No you donít take it back, she just gets a point for a wrong challenge.

DN: Yes I know.

NP: And there are one and half seconds left on ogres starting now Joan.

JB: Jack was quite capable of fet...

WHISTLE

NP: Joan Bakewell got that all important point for speaking as the whistle went. Sheís alas still in fourth place but not far behind Kenneth Williams and not very behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject is dogs. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: I had a little terrier. And I used to take him up the park and teach him all kinds of weird little tricks, you know. And I made a lot of friends. People would say "what a jolly good little dog, what fun you must have". And I said "yes itís great fun, we all have...

BUZZ

KW: ... mucking about, you know itís rather fun...

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Too much fun.

NP: Yeah there was too much fun, repetition there, 44 seconds are left on dogs with you Derek starting now.

DN: What I would like to introduce are lavatories for dogs. I hate walking along the pavement..

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: I donít want to hear this! Itís a family show! I donít want to hear about dogs in loos! I think itís a disgrace! I should have the subject back! Deviation! Youíre all with me, arenít you! Yes! I should, I should be the chairman as well, you know! No, because it wants moving on, doesnít it!

NP: Yes! Yes well if you were the chairman and you wouldnít have any women on the show and you wouldnít have anybody else speak, it would be...

KW: No, it would be lovely! It would be one man! Yes!

NP: Kenneth Williams by himself in Just A Minute, challenging himself, repeating himself, hesitating and never going wrong. Kenneth I disagree he wasnít deviating from the subject and there are 39 seconds on dogs Derek starting now.

DN: Because they foul the pavements. And as you walk around this awful nauseous subject everywhere about the roadways of our great city. And indeed round the countryside as well. There are many kinds...

BUZZ

NP: Joan Bakewell has challenged.

JB: Heís talking about traffic and roadways....

NP: Yes!

JB: And not about dogs!

NP He also repeated the word foul.

JB: Yes he did now you mention it.

NP: Right, there are 27 seconds on dogs with you Joan starting now.

JB: I have found that dogs divide people into those who are in favour of them and those who hate them heartily. Now among the people who enjoy the company of dogs...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of people, people wouldnít do that and people...

JB: Did I say people twice?

NP: Yes did she? No! No, no, no, itís the last round, weíre not going to penalise you in the last round, our guest! No of course not! So Joan itís the last round and weíre not going to be, we donít allow, er, penalties for guests in the last round! There are 17 seconds on dogs starting now.

JB: Itís often claimed that people look like their own...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well she did say people there again!

NP: I know! But as I didnít allow it last time, I couldnít allow it this time could I? So she has another point for that. You should recognise the way we play the game by now Peter. There are 15 seconds...

DN: Very difficult to recognise the game when the chairman is permanently round the twist!

NP: And Derek Nimmo brings his fan club every week! There are 15 seconds on dogs with you Joan yes starting now.

JB: Many owners look like their dogs. Very often in the park...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, I never look like my dog! Look at me! Iíve always had this vivacious look! You know with this blonde mass of hair, with all people have said they could run through barefoot! And never have I been likened to a dog! I mean do I look like a dog?

NP: Iím afraid the audience have decided that definitely you do so er, there we are Kenneth Iím afraid you walked right into that one. So Joan has another point for an incorrect challenge and she has 11 seconds to continue on dogs starting now.

NP: I have observed when walking...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged once again.

PJ: Iím just making another incorrect challenge!

NP: Well if you interrupt somebody when theyíve just started they must get a point because theyíve got to get going again, itís very unfair! Joan donít be put off by this, itís very difficult...

JB: Oughtnít we know what what the incorrect challenge was, so I can...

NP: What was the incorrect challenge?

PJ: Iím just making one so that she can get another point! I donít mind, you, you invent one!

NP: There are nine seconds on dogs with you Joan starting now.

JB: Walking in the streets and observing the passing crowd taking their dogs out for a walk, I have noticed how often you see a tall blonde with long....

WHISTLE

NP: Well you wonít be surprised to hear that Joan Bakewell got quite a few points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went. Iím afraid even with my help she couldnít get quite up into the lead which is a pity because I think she did so extremely well. And weíve come to the end of the contest. The other three have been playing the game for 13 years and have developed all kinds of little tricks but if Joan comes back maybe sheíll have thought up a few of her own. But let me now tell you that Kenneth Williams actually finished in fourth place. Itís a strange audience that claps the fellow who comes in fourth place! And Peter Jones was just in second, sorry in third place, two points behind Joan Bakewell and Joan was only two points behind this weekís winner who once again was Derek Nimmo! We just wish to say that we hope youíve enjoyed Just A Minute as much as weíve enjoyed playing it and our audience appear to have enjoyed coming to view it in the studio. From all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.