NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you. Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners in this country and around the world. But also to welcome to the show four exciting, talented, and humorous individuals who are going to play Just A Minute. And they are, seated on my right, Tony Hawks and Justin Moorhouse. And seated on my left, Josie Lawrence and Dave Gorman. Will you please welcome all four of them! As usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Sarah Sharpe, who is going to help me with the score, she is going to blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the University of Derby. And we are in the Students Union, and you must have realised from that round of applause that they have recognised where they are sitting. So let us begin the show with Tony Hawks. Tony, how to spot a mature student. Tony there are 60 seconds as usual and your time starts now.

TONY HAWKS: Probably the best way to spot a mature student is to sign up for a masture students... oh...


NP: Josie you've challenged.

JOSIE LAWRENCE: I don't think there is a course called masture students!

NP: No, there might be but it doesn't, it doesn't work out in the English vocabulary, does it.

JL: Sorry Tony.

TH: No you're right.

NP: Josie I do think that's deviation from the English language as we understand it so you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of how to spot a mature student and you have 54 seconds starting now.

JL: How can you spot a mature student? Well a mature student usually has a beard, leather patches on their jacket. And the men normally have sort of very bushy eyebrows and know a lot about a lot of things...


NP: Tony challenged.

JL: Oh I said a lot twice.

TH: Yes, there were two lots there.

NP: There were two lots.

JL: There were.

NP: Knows a lot about a lot of things.

JL: But the first lot was biblical.

NP: I think that almost deserves a bonus point for the repartee over biblical remark.

TH: Yeah why not.

NP: Let's give Josie a bonus point...

TH: Yes.

NP: ... for her comment there. But Tony you had a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course and there are 38 seconds still available Tony, starting now.

TH: You could sign up for a mature students safari. What happens is you get a camouflaged van from...


NP: Justin you challenged.

JUSTIN MOORHOUSE: I challenged for camaca blah blah... He didn't say it right either.

TH: No!

NP: No, Tony you're suddenly slipping. Did you have a drink before you started the show?

TH: I didn't, I should have had one.

NP: You should have had one yes. Right so Justin yes, deviation from English as we understand it, 32 seconds still available, you have a point of course and you start now.

JM: You can spot a mature student in Derby very easily. Those are the ones without debt.


NP: Josie you've challenged.

JL: Yes hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation. Yes he played for a laugh and didn't get it. So Josie a correct challenge, another point to you, 26 seconds available, how to spot a mature student starting now.

JL: Mature students have an air about them, a certain charisma. They are usually over 25 and that is considered very very... oh!


NP: Justin, yes Justin, your challenge?

JM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you easily got it back again, gosh we are getting a lot of challenges in the first round. Eighteen seconds are now available for you Justin on how to spot a mature student starting now.

JM: I think it's disgraceful to spot a mature student. Just because they are over the age of 25, you shouldn't daub them with paint. Let them work, let them contribute to...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Ah two let thems.

NP: Let them.

TH: In a row.

NP: Tony, another correct challenge, 11 seconds, how to spot a mature student, 11 seconds starting now.

TH: Walk up the aisles of the university...


NP: What's the matter Justin.

JM: Now I'm a big fat lad from up north! I don't know much about universities but they don't have aisles. We've deviated on to University Church.

TH: As I was about to say, you walk up the aisles of the university chapel and...

NP: I mean, you often, people refer to a corridor or a parting in a, there's an aisle in the, in the theatre. You have aisles all over the place.

TH: Yeah!

NP: Therefore he wasn't deviating. You look as if you're...


NP: I''m sorry audience, I make the judgements and that actually was a correct interpretation. So Tony it was an incorrect challenge, you have another point and you have seven seconds, how to spot a mature student starting now.

TH: I'm not so sure that a mature student has to be over 25. You could be younger than that but display...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Tony Hawks and at the end of that round he has a strong lead ahead of Josie Lawrence and then Justin Moorhouse and then Dave Morley in that order. In fact Dave's yet to score but it doesn't matter.


NP: Dave you challenged.

DAVE GORMAN: Yes Dave Morley has certainly yet to score. Because he's not playing.

NP: That's the point I was making.

DG: Yes.

NP: A bonus point for your observation and picking up the fact that you are Dave Gorman and you are in the show, but Dave Morley isn't.

DG: Yes!

NP: Josie would you begin the next round.

JL: Yes.

NP: Oh this is an interesting one, going to Zanzibar. That has resonance with this audience here at Derby which might become clear as we progress on this subject. And there are 60 seconds as usual Josie starting now.

JL: I've heard that Zanzibar is a club in Derby that the students like to frequent. I'm sure that they sit in this particular establishment, having mass debates about their favourite subjects, sipping mineral water and probably just dancing the foxtrot every now and then. But I would like to tell you that I have actually gone to the real Zanzibar, the spiced isle. I climbed a huge mountain in...


NP: Justin challenged.

JL: Oh it's not about isles again, is it?

JM: It was! They don't have isles in Zanzibar, they have aisles in churches!

JL: It is a spiced isle.

JM: Oh...

DG: You have a spice aisle in supermarkets as well.

NP: It's one of the Spice Islands and it's often referred to as a spiced isle as well.

JM: I didn't know that. See, I'm at university and already I'm learning!

NP: So that was an incorrect challenge Josie and you have another point, and you have 35 seconds, going to Zanzibar starting now.

JL: I flew to Stonetown near the Indian Ocean. And there I stayed in a hotel called Dhow which is favoured probably by Homer Simpson. It was a beautiful place full of Arabic arches and antiques. And that night I sipped pina colada...


NP: Dave Gorman challenged.

DG: I think it's a repetition of sipped, weren't they sipping, sipped mineral water earlier on in, in the Zanzibar?

JL: They were sipping.

DG: Were they sipping or they sipped.

NP: No no sipping and sipped.

DG: I thought it was sipped earlier, I apologise.

NP: You had it in the present tense first time, they went to the Zanzibar and they were sipping.

DG: Okay, I take it back if I can.

NP: And she went back to Zanzibar, the real place...

TH: Josie, how were they spelling the hotel Dhow?

JL: D-H-O-W.

TH: Oh okay. I'm just...

NP: Why are you being so picky?

JL: Because they're boys!

NP: Well said Josie yes. So Josie, you had an incorrect challenge again, 17 seconds, going to Zanzibar starting now.

JL: I drank a cocktail whilst watch...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Repetition of cocktail.

NP: Yes you did have cocktail.

JL: I thought I said pina colada before. No I didn't!

NP: No darling, you didn't. You did say cocktail.

JL: It's all right, it's all right.

NP: Imagine pina colada and cocktails.

JL: You're quite right, I did.

NP: Yes yes I have to listen very carefully.

JL: I know.

NP: Fourteen seconds, Justin at last you have got in. The subject is aisles and er... the subject is going to Zanzibar, 14 seconds starting now.

JM: I'll never forget the time I went to Zanzibar, the student pub down here in Derby. It was a fantastic evening. I was doing a gig to people born left... ohhh...


NP: Josie.

JL: After I was left ohhhh, he just...

NP: Hesitation.

JL: Hesitated.

NP: Hesitation, oh you got in with four seconds to go, Josie on going to Zanzibar starting now.

JL: Zanzibar, I watch your sunset over the...


NP: So Josie Lawrence was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, has increased the number of points she has and she is now in a strong lead ahead of Tony Hawks and Justin Moorhouse and Dave Gorman in that order. But Dave we'd like you to begin the next round. Here's a subject close to the heart of everybody here, why I love Derby. You're on home territory here, 60 seconds starting now.

DG: Why I love Derby can be summed up in two main reasons. Chiefly amongst them would be the people, their pride, their passion which verges on the jingoistic. My second motivation for finding Derby quite so lovely would be that it is not Nottingham. And I express that through my...


NP: Tony.

TH: I refuse to accept that he would say that if we were doing a gig in Nottingham!

NP: He certainly wouldn't say it if we were doing a gig in Nottingham...

TH: Well therefore it is deviation.

NP: No it isn't. He can say, it's not, he can say it here in Derby and get a lovely reaction, you know, embrace the audience to his heart there. It's not deviation at all! I think...

TH: Would it be deviation if he was in Nottingham and he said...

NP: We're not in bloody Nottingham!

DG: What would be deviation in Nottingham, would be giving me the subject why I love Derby!

NP: Dave you had an incorrect challenge so you keep the subject, you have 38 seconds still on why I love Derby starting now.

DG: That other county down, just up the A52, might have the superior nightlife...

NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Ahh! I was going to challenge, that wasn't the right sound, but it probably is. Sorry.

NP: Are you all right, Justin? All right, another incorrect challenge, well, no challenge at all really! Justin interrupted so you get a point for that Dave, 33 seconds available, why I love Derby starting now.

DG: Better nightclubs and infrastructure, a connection to the transport network. But Derby has jealousy in spades! And surely the best thing going for this fine city that in its prose... ahhh...


NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Yes I think a slight hesitation there. Was he going to say prozac? I don't know.

NP: Dave...

TH: We'll never know.

NP: No he didn't, you challenged while he was still speaking. I don't know what he was actually going to say.

TH: But he was hesitating.

NP: No, he didn't actually hesitate, because the hesitation came after you pressed your buzzer. I thought you were going to challenge him...

TH: I don't want to have to beat you up, Nicholas!

NP: I think strictly within the rules of Just A Minute, you hadn't got to your hesitation, you were still stumbling over the word and you couldn't...

TH: Look at him! He can't believe it, Dave, can he! He can't believe he is getting this one!

NP: You could have had him for deviation.

TH: Oh okay.

JL: Ah I see.

NP: Because the word didn't make sense.

TH: Oh all right.

NP: But he did not actually hesitate.

TH: Oh.

NP: You were deviating Dave so you've got the benefit of the doubt, you've got the subject still, you've 18 seconds, another point, why I love Derby starting now.

DG: Of course both of those metropolises share a long history in football with the ...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JM: Can we establish now whether Derby and or Nottingham are either cities or towns?

DG: I didn't say city, I said great metropolises.

JM: Earlier you said it was a county town.

NP: It doesn't matter, it is still a metropolis.

JM: It's not a town though, it's a city.

NP: It doesn't matter. You can still, in Just A Minute you've got to find another word and not repeat city, it was a rather clever...

TH: I'll tell you, he's got to do a lot worse than that, to lose the subject, I'll tell you! I think he's got to set fire to something before we get the subject!

JM: Take his shirt off and he'll have a Nottingham Forest shirt on underneath!

NP: Well if you have to keep going for so long on the same subject, you do struggle a bit. He was struggling but he wasn't hesitating or deviating. So you've got another 13 seconds Dave, on why I love Derby starting now.

DG: In soccer a derby game is a match played between two neighbouring sides such as Arsenal and Spurs, or Liverpool Everton, or Manchester United City...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Three ors.

NP: Absolutely.

DG: Oooh!

TH: Two we'd let...

NP: Also, it's a bit late now, I think you could have had him for deviation because I mean those teams, Arsenal and Spurs, they don't come up here to play each other at Derby. I mean Arsenal play at home at their stadium.

DG: Oh I know, but the subject is why I love Derby. It doesn't state in the subject that it has to be the city of Derby, I could love derby, the concept of local football teams...

NP: Oh I see, the concept of a derby, a football derby...

DG: Yes.

NP: You didn't really make that clear.

DG: I did. I said in the game of soccer, a match played between two teams is a derby...

JL: Oh boys boys! Don't make mummy cry!

NP: So Tony, correct challenge at last. Dave at last lost the subject and there's three seconds to go on why I love Derby starting now.

TH: Terrific red buildings! Stairs that go up!


NP: So Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's moved forward, he's one behind Josie Lawrence. Dave Gorman who hardly didn't have any points before but he's now leapt forward and he's ahead of Justin Moorhouse in third place. Justin it's your turn to begin and the subject, I don't know whether this is you or not. It's called heavenly bodies. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

JM: The phrase heavenly bodies was used by the Boddington's Beer Company some time ago to describe that fine cask ale coming from the city of Manchester...


NP: Dave challenged.

DG: Well this is the BBC so I believe that's deviation from policy, because that's advertising.

NP: Dave you're absolutely right. But what I'm going to do is give you a bonus point for a very good observational challenge, but it wasn't correct within the rules of Just A Minute. But please don't advertise any more Justin! Forty-eight seconds, heavenly bodies still with you Justin starting now.

JM: If I may continue to talk about that golden liquid which came from the metropolis of Mancunia, I shall say to you it is no longer brewed within that fair...


NP: Yeah so many, city, town, dwelling, metropolis, right. Tony he couldn't think of another word for it so you came in first and there's 37 seconds on heavenly bodies starting now.

TH: I have a terrifically heavenly body for radio, there can be no doubt about that...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JM: Because he has a terrifically heavenly body for any circumstances.

NP: That is a personal opinion. We don't want to bring... I mean we don't really want to bring sex into this at this stage. Heavenly bodies, 32 seconds starting now.

TH: I believe there was a film in the 80s called Heavenly Bodies. I didn't see it myself which will make it a difficult thing for me to carry on talking about. However the heavenly bodies that were in the film...


NP: Dave challenged.

DG: Hesitation.

NP: Not quite, not quite, not enough. He was struggling but he teetered on hesitation but not quite. So Tony, 19 seconds, heavenly bodies starting now.

TH: I believe we live in a society that puts too much pressure on people...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Ah repetition of the word believe.

NP: Yes you did believe before. So Justin you have 16 seconds, tell us something about heavenly bodies starting now.

JM: I'm glad I've got the opportunity to again talk about that fine beer...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: He said beer earlier on.

NP: You did, you mentioned beer before.

JM: We're in a bar!

NP: So Josie correct challenge, 11 seconds available, heavenly bodies starting now.

JL: When I was a child I was absolutely enchanted by the idea of heavenly bodies. I loved to aim...


NP: Dave challenged.

DG: I thought there was a hesitation.

NP: There was a little hesitation, but if we get too sharp on this, nobody will ever get going and there won't be much fun. So Josie...

DG: I understand. For the record, I was just struck!

NP: Right, incorrect challenge, four seconds, heavenly bodies starting now.

JL: This will show my age! But my idea of a heavenly body, a huge white wave...


NP: So Josie Lawrence was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and has increased her lead by one over Tony Hawks. And four over Dave Gorman and Justin Moorhouse, equal in third place. Tony I think we'd like you to begin the next round. The subject is wheel clamping, 60 seconds Tony starting now.

TH: If you happen to be the owner of a very valuable wheel, as I am, it's very important to clamp it whenever you put it down. Otherwise someone will make off with it and that would be one of the worst things that could happen if you were particularly attached to the said rotund thing. It also happens to cars. People pull in and park, I believe it happens up here in Derby...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Repetition of the word believe.

NP: Yes you had I believe at the beginning and you had I believe...

TH: I must stop saying that, mustn't I.

NP: I know.

JM: You're like Martin Luther King!

TH: I need to...

NP: So Justin, a correct challenge, 39 seconds, wheel clamping starting now.

JM: Things aren't what they used to be. I remember as a child, I had fisher price toys, cars, aeroplanes, ambulances. My child now has a wheel clamping set!


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: He said child twice.

NP: Yes, my child now has. Well listened Josie, 29 seconds available, wheel clamping starting now.

JL: I consider wheel clamping to be a bit of an extreme sport for me. There is nothing I like better than wrapping my legs and clamping myself to a wheel. The neighbours are actually very upset about it. Judith, Judith, I can't get the...


JL: Ohhhhhhhh! The second Judith was Biblical!

NP: So Tony, your challenge, just so we know what it was?

TH: Yes it was repetition actually.

NP: That's right.

JL: Yes.

NP: But what?

TH: I'm pretty good at this. It was repetition of Judith, funnily enough. I don't know how I managed to spot it, I'm particularly on the ball today.

NP: Seventeen seconds Tony, wheel clamping starting now.

TH: If you walk down Victoria Street in this magnificent city where we are tonight, you will see wheel clamps put on cars just...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Repetition of the word cars.

NP: Oh yes.

TH: Yeah.

NP: Justin was listening very acutely.

TH: He's good.

NP: He's got in with six seconds to go on wheel clamping starting now.

JM: When I begin to tell the audience here in Derby my story, they will not believe. Judy Judith the wheel clamper...


NP: Dave?

JL: Oh sorry.

DG: I bought into his trap!

JL: Yeah!

NP: You said...

DG: It's the first time I've ever challenged before anyone else!

NP: And it was a very sharp challenge and it was a very clever little ploy. He's won himself another point for an incorrect challenge and he's got one second to go on wheel clamping starting now.

JM: Wheel...


NP: So Justin Moorhouse is now surging ahead, he's got a lot of points in that round, he's now equal with Tony in second place. Josie is still just in the lead and Dave follows them. And Josie we'd like you to begin the next round, the subject is three ways to pay back your student loan. Would you talk on the subject, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

JL: I'd just like to start off on a serious note. When I was a student in 1977, the council paid for me to go to University. I even went on the full grants for all march in Exeter because I believed that everybody should be allowed to have money for their education. And no student should end their education...


NP: Justin you challenged.

JM: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

JM: It turned from a game of Just A Minute into a rally cry for student loans.

NP: Well why not? It doesn't really matter. And it's an incorrect challenge so Josie has another point and she has 41 seconds on three ways to pay back your student loan starting now.

JL: I'm now going to tell you three ways to pay back your student loan. Firstly you in the front, in the stripey T-shirt...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Sorry, you, repetition of.

NP: That's a bit of a sharp one Justin but we'll let you have it.

JM: Can I take it back?

NP: No it's too late now.

JL: It's just that man will never know what I was about to say to him! And it would have changed his life, I tell you!

NP: Three ways to pay back your student loan, Justin starting now.

JM: There are three ways to pay back your student loan. You could work hard and pay it off over 55 years. Or you could get a...


NP: Here we go, Josie.

JL: Repetition of you!

NP: Hoisted on your own professional petard.

JL: I wouldn't normally do that.

NP: No no, of course you wouldn't normally do it.

JL: No.

NP: But he did it to you, you've done it to him. Fair play, now stop doing it. Twenty-seven seconds, three ways to pay back your student loan Josie starting now.

JL: That young cove there could sell his body to me! Hah! Only joking! Anyway three ways to pay back your student loan. First of all, buy scratch cards. A normal student usually owes about 20,000 pounds by the time...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Ah repetition of student.

NP: Yes you had too many students.

JL: Ah I see.

DG: It's in the question!

JL: It's in the question!

DG: It's in the title.

NP: Student loan, so student loans, so student is in the question.

TH: Have another point!

NP: Which you've got Josie, another point, 12 seconds, three ways to pay back your student loan starting now.

JL: Take that money and buy a job lot of scratch cards...


NP: Oh yes Dave?

DG: Scratch cards.

NP: Scratch cards.

JL: Did I already say scratch cards?

DG: Yeah.

NP: Yes you did.

TH: About 19 seconds ago!

NP: Less than 19 seconds. Eight seconds available Dave...

JL: I did it for you Dave.

NP: Three ways to pay back... Dave, three ways to pay back your student loan starting now.

DG: When I was first loaned a student, I had no idea that I would be forced to pay back...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Hesitation.

NP: I think it was, Justin. So you have another point...


NP: A moment ago you were cheering Justin and now you are booing him! Anyway he's got in with a correct challenge. Justin, two seconds, three ways to pay back your student loan starting now.

JM: Don't pay back...


NP: So Justin got points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. And he's caught up, he's still, Josie's still one point ahead but it is Justin Moorhouse who is in second place now, then Tony Hawks and then Dave Gorman. And we are moving into the final round with that score situation. Dave Gorman it is your turn to begin, so the subject is my bike. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

DG: My bike and I have been on quite a journey, cycling as I did from the southern-most point of the British mainland, a place called Lizard in Cornwall, to the eastern-most point, Lowestoftness...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Point I'm afraid.

DG: Yeah. Yeah.

NP: Point yes. But it was factual but it was, unfortunately in Just A Minute it was incorrect. So 49 seconds for you Josie on my bike starting now.

JL: My bike is called Brunhilda. I don't know why, she was shipped over from Amsterdam. She's a sit up and beg bike...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Repetition of the word she.


JM: It's the final round!

NP: You haven't won many friends in the audience with that challenge.

JM: I'll never see them again! I want to win this game!

NP: But a correct challenge, 42 seconds Justin, my bike starting now.

JM: My bike is reinforced.


NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Well he stopped.

NP: I know he did.

JM: I wanted them to like me!

NP: He played for the laugh, got it and retired.

TH: Hesitation.

JM: I can't help winning, Tony, come on!

NP: Tony you've got my bike, you have 39 seconds starting now.

TH: My bike has a clamp on it in Victoria Street which is very upsetting because I cycled here all the way from London. Now you could believe that, or you might think it was something I was saying for comic effect even though it didn't even get a titter.


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Two evens.

NP: Even yes, even even, right.

TH: Yeah.

NP: Josie, well listened, 25 seconds are still available, take up my bike starting now.

JL: My bike is a little bit of a death trap I think, because it's got brakes on the pedals. If you go backwards on them, it stops and I'm always tripping myself over at junctions. I wear a helmet, knee pads, have the little twinkly lights and a bell. But I can't turn right on my bike. I only can go left which means I always end up back at the place that I started off.


TH: Deviation.

NP: Yes?

TH: If you keep turning left all the time, you will not end up where you started off.

JM: Yes you will.

JL: You will.

NP: Yes you will. Always...

TH: What?

NP: Eventually.

TH: What do you mean? How long eventually though?

NP: Josie it was an incorrect challenge. You still have one second on my bike starting now.

JL: My bike...


NP: Well let me give you the final score then. Dave Gorman who hasn't played the game very much before finished in a very... no, he finished in a very strong fourth place.


NP: There's the retrospective applause for all those lovely things you said about Derby, you see.

DG: Yeah.

NP: And in third place was Tony Hawks who often excels but he did very very well. But only to get into third place. Justin Moorhouse who has come all the way over from Manchester and has never stopped pushing his chances, did extraordinarily well, finished in a powerful second place. But he was a few points behind Josie Lawrence so we say Josie, this week, you are our winner. It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Tony Hawks, Justin Moorhouse, Josie Lawrence and Dave Gorman. I thank Sarah Sharpe, who has helped me with the score, she has blown her whistle beautifully every time the 60 seconds had elapsed. We are grateful to our producer Claire Jones. And we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are grateful to this lovely audience here at the Student Union at the University of Derby who have cheered us on our way magnificently. So from our audience, from me, Nicholas Parsons, and the panel, good-bye, thank you for tuning in. Be with us the next time we play Just A Minute!