JAM:CFreud,PJones,SHancock,GGarden
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, SHEILA HANCOCK and GRAEME GARDEN chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 January 1976)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Sheila Hancock and Graeme Garden in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as usual I am going to ask our four panellists to talk if they can on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. Sheila Hancock, will you begin? The subject is puppets. Will you talk about them if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: The art of puppetry is very ver... OOOOOHH!

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

SH: I was just about to say very very! I'm out of my mind!

NP: Clement, you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: There are 55 seconds for puppets starting now.

CF: The way to write a puppet play is to get a number of characters and have them say funny things! Nicholas Parsons at the moment is always good for a laugh, I read in the paper recently, so I suppose... it must be true...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! 40 seconds, Sheila, on puppets starting now.

SH: I happen to be particularly interested in puppets because my sister is a puppeteer by profession. She is a variety artist and she does an act with her husband consisting of very beautiful puppets and other things as well, if you'd like to be that way inclined in your thoughts...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Well, she's strayed from the point because she said other things as well.

SH: No, I meant stilts! Stilts! She does them on stilts!

PJ: Well, that's nothing to do with puppets!

NP: Even if you were going to say that it didn't sound like it! So I must agree with Peter's challenge because he came in before you established that. And you have ... And Peter has 21 seconds now, with a point for a correct challenge, and he takes it up.

PJ: Frankly, I don't like puppets! I see them as a threat to live performers! They have a number of advantages. They don't have to be fed. They can be transported from one place to another in a small suitcase. They don't have to have
a motorcar or train. And of course they are particularly easy...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: They do have to have a motorcar or train if you're taking them on a long journey! You couldn't carry them in a suitcase like my sister does from Paris down to Marseilles!

NP: No, but...

PJ: She's got her stilts, hasn't she?

NP: I think Peter had established they don't have their own personal motorcar. They go with somebody in a suitcase. And he has 5 seconds still, to carry on on puppets starting now.

PJ: You can send a puppet by post and not even Kenneth Williams can do that!

BUZZ

SH: I'm sorry, I just shook with laughter and my finger went on the thing! Sorry!

NP: Your finger went on your thing and shook with laughter?

PJ: Oh, that's a foul, isn't it really?

NP: It's very...

PJ: Interfering on the bend or something!

NP: As you were interrupted and it was a non-challenge and you get a point for that and there are 2 seconds Peter on puppets starting now.

PJ: I don't like them at all!

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Peter Jones speaking when the whistle went gained that extra point. He gained some in the round, he's now taken a strong lead at the end of the round. Graeme Garden, your turn to begin and the subject is how I improved my memory. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

GRAEME GARDEN: You'll all probably benefit if I take some time out now to explain to you how I improved my memory. It was a few years ago now, I can't exactly recall how many. I was advised by a friend of mine whose name escapes me for the moment to go and see a man whom you have all probably heard of and er needs no introduction and is not going to get any. I did visit him on some occasion or other and he certainly improved my memory or so I'm told. On the following day I was asked by a friend if I had been to see this gentleman who improved my memory and I told him...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila, you challenged.

SH: He has repeated friend and gentleman hasn't he?

NP: Oh yes indeed...

GG: I can't remember!

NP: The other panellists memories were failing them as they were enjoying Graeme's story but Sheila came in with a correct challenge and there are 18 seconds left Sheila for you to tell us how I improved my memory starting now.

SH: I feel a bit dishonest talking on this subject because I have the most appalling memory. But I did once make an effort and I studied pelmanism which is a means of associating words and ideas with something else. For instance, if you meet somebody and their name is Mr Goodwright you look at him and...

WHISTLE

SH: Now you'll never know!

NP: I was going to say do tell us how do we associate Mr Goodwright? What with...

SH: Well you look at him and think ahl he looks nice and good ...

NP: Mind you he might look rotten!

SH: ... so you think good and then you think he looks the right man for me so you think Goodwright next time you see him!

NP: But I wonder what happens if you look at him and think he looks rotten, then what's the way to remember?

SH: Well, then you'd call him Mr Rottenwright wouldn't you?

NP: Well it explains how your mind works I suppose. Sheila Hancock got the point for speaking when the whistle went and she is now in second place behind Peter Jones. And Clement your turn to begin, and the subject: insurance, starting now.

CF: Insurance is a system whereby you pay money to... recompense.... you should something ugly...

BUZZ

NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.

GG: Repetition of hesitation.

NP: A very good challenge. I can't give you two points, but just one, and you have 50 seconds to talk to us about insurance starting now.

GG: Not very long ago a man came round to my house and knocked on the door and introduced himself as a representative of the You'll Be Lucky Insurance Company. I was immediately impressed by his honest good looks and invited him in. As he entered the door, he accidentally pushed his elbows through the windows, pushing three milk bottles which were on the windowsill onto the ground outside where they smashed in a great sea of broken glass. Tripping over a flower pot he stumbled into the cooker which was on at the time knocking a frying pan and a small pot of courgettes...

BUZZ

GG: Er, excuse me, er.

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of pot.

NP: Yes, a bit too many pots I'm afraid. It was a very potty story in fact! Insurance is back with you Clement and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

CF: The interesting thing about insurance is that it's only things that might happen as opposed to assurance which applies to death which obviously will. And that becomes something which...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones actually challenged a half second before the whistle. Peter, what was your challenge?

PJ: Well, it was hesitation, he sort of hesitated several times. Two or three small hesitations which I felt were....

NP: No...

PJ: No, I'm inclined to agree with you, Nicholas, I don't think he did either, just a trick of the light!

NP: No, actually... Clement has an extra point then! Ah, where are with we with Peter Jones? At the end of that round, yes, um, Sheila in second place one point behind Peter Jones and Clement Freud in the lead and Peter Jones your turn to begin and the subject: the Original Iron Bridge. Will you tell us something about it in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Yes, well, I actually went there last summer. It's a marvellous museum dedicated to the Industrial Revolution in Shropshire where I actually was born. And I visited it with my children, took them all over this cast iron building and the bridge itself was spanning the river, near er Iron Bridge the town, it's called after it, and er the er, there was an exhibition...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Well, he is hesitating but I don't want the subject at all.

NP: You've got it! My dear, you challenged! You've got a correct challenge, as he was hesitating and you've got the Original Iron Bridge and 35 seconds to talk about it starting now.

SH: Well, there's this bridge with bits of iron sticking up. Most of it is made...

BUZZ

PJ: No, no, no, I'm not going to have her speaking in a derogatory manner about this magnificent monument to the ingenuity of the Victorian era!

SH: I'm talking about an original iron bridge in Gloucerstershire that's quite different from any other iron bridge.

PJ: But it's THE original!

NP: That is the subject on the card! The original...

SH: THE original iron bridge?

NP: THE original iron bridge!

SH: Does it have a THE on it?

NP: Yes, it's THE original bridge!

SH: Oh, well, I'm sure this one was before his!

NP: I'm afraid Peter has a correct challenge. So Peter you have 29 seconds on the original iron bridge starting now.

PJ: In the adjacent museum there are marvellous exhibits, the iron door knockers...

BUZZ

NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.

GG: I think that's deviation. Door knockers aren't bridges, however adjacent.

NP: Yes, I quite agree. At the adjacent museum he'd got on to door knockers and it was the original iron bridge we wanted to hear about. They weren't made out of the iron bridge. So, Graeme has a challenge and there are 22 seconds for the original iron bridge starting now.

GG: The original iron bridge is of course very old indeed and can be traced back to the very dawn of dentistry itself. Stone age man had to put up with these appalling stone bridges in his mouth whenever...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of stone.

NP: Clement, you have...

GG: Stone age is one word!

NP: No, actually...

SH: Stone age is one word! That's worthy of one of us!

NP: 5 seconds Clement on the original iron bridge starting now.

CF: When I was taken to see a picture of the original iron bridge I was shown a negative...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point and has now taken the lead. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin. The subject is patronage. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SH: This is something upon which the arts have leaned very heavily for many centuries. In the early days dukes and people of great wealth would commission artists and even writers to do some work for them which they would then treasure as their own. And indeed some of our stately homes have the results of these patronages to show to us the public nowadays. The arts generally nowadays are subsidised...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of nowadays.

NP: Yes. And the arts. Right, Clement there are 30 seconds left for you on patronage starting now.

CF: I suppose the most amazing example of patronage is a small man who lives in Houndsleville, who put up his money in order that Nicholas Parsons could get onto radio and television. But for him, this man would never have been heard of by anyone! But in Acton, Ealing, Hampstead and Haverstock Hill, there are patrons who...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Graeme challenged.

GG: That's repetition. Haverstock Hill is in Hampstead!

NP: I think that's a very clever challenge, very clever. So we give Graeme a point for that and 2 seconds on patronage Graeme starting now.

GG: Leonardo da Vinci...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I'm afraid there was! So Clement, there is one second left on patronage starting now.

CF: Dan...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Graeme Garden challenged before you started! Graeme what was your challenge?

GG: Hesitation.

NP: Of course there was! Another point and there's half a second left for patronage Graeme starting now.

GG: Leonardo...

WHISTLE

NP: Graeme, it's your turn to begin and the subject is my secret vice. Would you... He's obviously in the audience from his last appearance! Would you talk about it now?

GG: My secret vice is something that not many people know about. But occasionally when friends come round for an evening and they sit in the dining room and admire the chest of drawers I have to admit that I did make it myself. How did you assemble this magnificent piece of furniture they inquire? Follow me I say and take them down to the bottom of the garden where there is a little workshop where I keep a secret saw, a secret hammer and nails....

BUZZ

NP: No, you challenged, it's all right, repetition of the word secret? Yes? It's on the card, you're allowed to repeat the words that are on the card. My secret vice. So, it was a wrong challenge! Clement Freud doesn't want the listeners to know that it was he...

CF: No, no, I didn't want to stop a very enjoyable account of...

NP: But you did!

CF: For which I apologise!

NP: There are 34 seconds Graeme for you to talk about my secret vice starting now.

GG: ... and my secret vice which I use for holding together two secret pieces of wood while I am putting together amazing...

BUZZ

NP: Graeme, Clement has challenged.

CF: Repetition of together.

NP: Yes. Clement, you have a correct challenge, a point, and 26 seconds on my secret vice starting now.

CF: My secret vice is pressing the buzzer in Just A Minute! The reason why I call it secret is that nobody takes any notice and for all the good it does...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Absolute rubbish! Of course they do! Everybody hears it!

NP: Yes, it's no secret, I take note of every challenge he makes!

PJ: Quite!

NP: Absolutely! Very good challenge Peter! You have 16 seconds...

PJ: How long have I got?

NP: You have 16 and a half seconds.

PJ: Right, well listen, I thought you'd like to send photographs of me in a small envelope with photographs...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Sheila has challenged.

SH: Repetition of photograph.

NP: Yes. Sheila has the subject and 10 seconds left for my secret vice starting now.

SH: Well, I'm damned if I'm going to tell you because if I do it will no longer be a secret! And I enjoy it very much and I'm not going to impart it to hundreds of thousands of people listening to this programme!

WHISTLE

NP: If Sheila had had more than 10 seconds to go she would ahve been challenged for not telling us! Peter Jones we're now with you again and the subject is... oh, a lovely one! The difficulties I experience on this show! Um, Peter you have 60 seconds and you start now.

PJ: Well of course there are many er and numerous er. I'm sure...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Sheila

SH: We can't have all those ers can we? Many er and numerous er...

NP: Oh give him a chance to get started!

PJ: I was just illustratiing some of the difficulties I have ! I'm entitled to try and communicate them!

NP: But I do think you did, um... definitely...

PJ: I did um what?

NP: You erred in more senses than one!

PJ: Oh all right then!

SH: Oh let him have it then!

NP: Sheila, a correct challenge and 54, no...

SH: Oh!

NP: 56 seconds on the difficulties I experience on this show starting now.

SH: The difficulties I experience on this show are numerous.They are not to hesitate or repeat myself or deviate from the subject. And believe you me if you try it for one whole minute it is well-nigh impossible! As I prove week after the same length of days! This is an appalling task to keep your mind concentrated and to talk arrant rubbish which is particularly what you have to do...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation, I thought.

NP: I think she was getting close to it. Your hesitation was equal to hers so in justice you get it back again with 24 seconds on the difficulties I experience in this show Peter starting now.

PJ: One of my problems is I'm fascinated by many of the things the other people are telling us! And I don't want to stop them! Because very often one learns things one wouldn't otherwise pick up...

BUZZ

NP: Er Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: There were an awful lot of ones!

NP: Yes there were I'm afraid Peter.

SH: If he's so mean about my hesitation, I'll snuff in on his ones!

CF: Is this a private game or can anyone join in?

NP: If you have the skill Clement you join in! There are 8 seconds left on the difficulties ... 8 seconds left for the difficulties I experience on this show starting now.

SH: Also keeping my temper with Clement Freud is a bit of a...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

SH: That was going to be...

NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.

GG: It wasn't a challenge! That was censorship!

NP: So you challenged the silence which we interpret as hesitation. 4 seconds for you. The difficulties I experience on this show Graeme starting now.

GG: This is the second time I have appeared on this programme and I must say the difficulties...

WHISTLE

NP: And despite it being only the second time Graeme has appeared he's got a lot of points, he's only 2 points behind our leader Clement Freud. Sheila Hancock your turn to begin and the subject is the limelight. Will you tell us something about that which we know you know a great deal about starting now.

SH: The limelight is a word used to describe the spotlight in a theatre. In other words when you look at the stage and you see some actor standing in a marvellous circle of white light then you know that he has the limelight focussed on him. Nowadays we don't use them so often, they're rather old hat but in the past leading actors were followed around by er limelights....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of actors.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was and Clement has a correct challenge and 30 seconds on the limelight starting now.

CF: I suppose I first got into the limelight when I was arrested for putting marshmallow into a coin box. The police who came made a cause celebre of this mistake because, in fact I thought it was chewing gum. The telephone booths which had only just been opened in a touching ceremony conducted by the Minister of State for the Environment wrote a very touching letter to the magistrates explaining that the severe stress...

WHISTLE

NP: What a lovely load of old codswallop! But it gave him, no-one challenged him, and it gave him more points including one for speaking as the whistle went. Graeme Garden, it's your turn to begin, and the subject is my favourite book. Would you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

GG: Probably my favourite book is a volume which sits on a shelf at home and it's called the Raymond Chandler Omnibus. It contains all the very best stories of that master of detective fiction. It has The Lady In The Lake, the High Window, The Big Sleep, The Little Sister, Playback, his last unfinished novel, and everything that he wrote. I also enjoy his short stories but of course they're not contained in my favourite book which I'm now describing desperately! The thing about the Raymond Chandler Omnibus...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I'm sorry because I'm a great fan of Raymond Chandler but he has been mentioned before.

NP: Yes.

CF: Repetition.

GG: Part two!

NP: Part two? And we're in to the second half of the 60 seconds because there are only 23 left. And Clement had a correct challenge. He now has my favourite book starting now.

CF: My favourite book at the moment is that friendly magenta coloured volume, E to K of the London phone directory. And on page 1361 is the name Freud which in this current edition is given billing on the top of the page. A very rare thing because from year to occasional 12...

WHISTLE

NP: Now at last you are in the limelight Clement and you have more points and you've increased your lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones, it's your turn to begin and the subject is irresponsibility. Can you talk about irresponsibility in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: It's quite a long word really for me to be given. I'm not often trusted with any subject of this kind. But it is nevertheless a subject which concerns me very deeply as I think all right-thinking people would agree! Nowadays there is very little sense of personal responsibility in the everyday life of this nation which once held its head so
proudly in the courts of the world!

SH: Dee dee...

PJ: Now let us...

SH: dee dee dee dee...

PJ: Sheila you're trying to sabotage me!

BUZZ

SH: Hesitation!

NP: Peter Jones gets a point for being nobbled! Because Sheila Hancock sang and then buzzed for hesitation! And he keeps the subject and there are 25 seconds on irresponsibility Peter starting now.

PJ: So let us all try and brace ourselves and look to the future with renewed vigour! If we can examine those marvellous events and the deeds of our great men in the past and try and bring all that experience and vitality that we have gained over the centuries all over the civilised world, then I think there is...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

PJ: A very real...

NP: No, Sheila, no, Sheila, Sheila, no...

SH: I've got to stop him, it's so embarrssing! He repeated over!

NP: Did he? I wasn't listening!

SH: I don't blame you!

PJ: There you are you see, he's not listening!

SH: You'll hear when you hear the programme back that he definitely...

PJ: You think I'm going to listen to this rubbish? You must be mad!

SH: Oh dear! You might go a bit red if you do! After that little outburst!

NP: Ah well yes Sheila you have a point for a correct challenge and there's only in actual fact half a second left on irresponsibility starting now.

SH: Irresponsibility!

WHISTLE

NP: Well, I've got to do my responsible job now and tell you we have no more time to play Just A Minute and tell you what the final score is at the end of the show. Peter Jones came in fourth place but he scored quite a lot of points, he came 2 behind Graeme Garden who coming back after his previous triumphs did very well and got a lot of points. He was only one point behind Sheila Hancock who's 5 points behind this week's winner who was once again Clement Freud!

CF: Hurray!

NP: We hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute. From all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.