JAM:CFreud,PJones,SHancock,GGarden
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, SHEILA HANCOCK and GRAEME GARDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 October 1975)

NOTE: Graeme Garden's first appearance, Nicholas Parsons's 200th appearance, Ian Messiter's 200th appearance blowing the whistle.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Sheila Hancock and Graeme Garden in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four panellists if they can talk for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And we're going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement can you talk on the subject of hang gliding, for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hang gliding is the sort of libertine wholesale condemnation which I deplore. But it is also a name given to an extraordinary sport which consists of hanging on to a metal rail which is suspended from a large piece of uncut moquette, which catches the wind and enables you if you are at the top of the hill, to descend to the bottom rather more quickly than if you simply let go. In fact the wind getting into the material projects you towards the Dale as you might say, because I can't really talk about the bottom having begun very badly...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: I think he repeated the word bottom.

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes he did. Thank you very much yes.

GRAEME GARDEN: Bottoms all over the place.

CF: We have independent auditors!

NP: Well because of the way you all criticise me, I like to get a bit of help from the audience! Thank you my dear, that was absolutely correct, he has repeated bottom. He also repeated wind, he also repeated material. And Peter Jones you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject. There are 11 seconds left, hang gliding starting now.

PJ: It must be a really wonderful sensation, to be as it were lighter than air and carried from one point to another by...

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter who blows the whistle for us tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones. And at the end of the round Peter Jones is the only one to have scored any points. And Peter, I see it's your turn to begin the next round so would you please talk on the subject of gadgetry for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

PJ: Well a friend of mine once said to me, and he was an extremely wealthy man. He said if you want to get rich Peter, think of some new gadget that can be attached to a motor car and put it on the market. I think that it is really excellent advice because people do tend to cram as many of these gadgets on to these vehicles as they possibly can. And not only in the street or on the road but in the kitchen, in particular their homes...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila has challenged, Sheila Hancock.

SHEILA HANCOCK: I don't know that many people keep their cars in their kitchens!

NP: I'm sure they don't, but I don't think that he was ah...

PJ: I think it only fair, Sheila wanted to get in on some pretext or other...

SH: I...

PJ: Just to show that she's in the game, and bless her heart, I didn't give her an opportunity. I didn't repeat anything...

NP: Yes you did, you repeated the word gadget actually.

PJ: You're interrupting me again Nicholas!

SH: Well I'll just say hello everybody and let Peter keep the subject.

NP: You've more than said hello, you've established that you are here, you've established that you're listening. It's a good challenge but an incorrect one Sheila, so Peter gets a point for a wrong challenge, he keeps the subject, there are 27 seconds left Peter, gadgetry starting now.

PJ: Many nowadays are electric. Infrared ovens which as far as I can see serve no really useful purpose for anyone except the manufacturers who make a good deal of profits...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila.

SH: I think I've got to contradict him on that. Not that I've got an infrared oven but in restaurants they are enormous use. I think Clement will bear me out on this because they cook the dinners much quicker.

NP: So you think he was deviating from the subject of gadgetry?

SH: Well I think he was just wrong!

NP: Well you can...

SHOUT FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: Have we got another chairman in the audience?

NP: You are allowed to give an opinion if you were, if you weren't able to give opinions in this programme, we'd never get going.

SH: Well let me just say that he's a fool!

NP: You've said it with strength and er, but I must say he didn't deviate.

SH: So I've given him another point.

NP: Fifteen seconds left on gadgetry Peter starting now.

PJ: Well those people who went to the Moon in that capsule and things, they came back with an enormous...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila.

SH: Oh I've done it again, well I'm just saying they didn't go to the Moon in a capsule and things. They went to the Moon in a capsule. He's being inaccurate.

NP: Yeah in other words, the capsule was not a gadgetry. I think that Sheila has a very good challenge, this time I'm going to give it to Sheila...

CF: Graeme Garden would like to speak!

GG: How do you do, ladies and gentlemen.

SH: You'll get your chance later!

NP: You'll get a chance, Sheila's got a chance now, there are 10 seconds for you on gadgetry Sheila starting now.

SH: Well I am a terrible person for gadgets. I'm apt to buy everything that's going. It is an absolute delight for me to go into one of those big stores where ladies and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Sheila Hancock was then speaking when the whistle went, she gained that extra point, and at the end of that round, she has two points and Peter has twice that number, in the lead. And Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, having just finished, proverbs. Would you talk about them for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SH: A rolling stone gathers no moss. Every cloud has a silver lining. It never rains but it pours. (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.

GG: Hesitation. And why not?

SH: That's dead right.

NP: She did hesitate Graeme. So you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, and you have 50 seconds to talk on proverbs starting now.

GG: I first took an interest in proverbs when I learnt one at my granny's knee, where it was tattooed slightly above the joint. With the ancient proverb, a stitch in time saves eight. Granny was somewhat small and repetitive...

BUZZ

NP: Clement has challenged you.

CF: Ah repetitive granny.

NP: Yes I'm afraid your granny's been coming in too often.

GG: Yes, that's what we said!

NP: Clement a correct challenge and there are 33 seconds left for proverbs starting now.

CF: In a book called The Wallet Of Ky Lung there is I think one of the great proverbs from the east. Which is quite simply it is a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek a highborn Emperor in a low-down tea shop.

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: I must say if I had had...

BUZZ

NP: No I'm sorry, after proverbs Peter Jones challenged you.

PJ: He's misquoting it! It's not...

NP: I think you tried very hard, but it's the wrong challenge and Clement keeps the subject and a point for that, and 15 seconds on proverbs Clement starting now.

CF: With a...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation!

NP: I don't think we'll be as tough as that Peter, we'd never get the game going. Fourteen seconds Clement on proverbs starting now.

CF: When I used to go to Mauritius or even Madagascar, let alone Rienneune or the Seychelles, there are proverbs of such compulsive truth that you stand and gape at the sheer brilliance of...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement and his proverbs kept going, he gained some points including the extra one for speaking when the whistle went, and he's now in a lead with Peter Jones at the end of that round. Graeme Garden, it's your turn to begin, and the subject, aptly enough, is absurdities. Can you tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now.

GG: Ah many absurdities have happened to me in my life. I remember one occasion when we were filming a sketch about a piggy bank. And I was standing dressed up as a cashier in a disused branch of a well known firm of bankers. And beside me was a dead pig propped up on the counter. A man came into the establishment off the street, and asked me if he could open an account. This is perfectly true and I have his money to prove it! On another occasion I remember we were filming in um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement?

GG: In the little town of Um!

CF: Repetition of filming and ah...

NP: You are rotten the way you sort of stick it in! Just say hesitation and leave it at that! He hasn't played the game as much as you.

CF: Just saying hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, I think you did hesitate actually. There are 25 seconds for absurdities starting now.

CF: I'm not sure that one of the great absurdities is not to judge different people in different ways in Just A Minute. It seems to me either somebody hesitates, repeats himself or deviates from the subject, and whether he's played the game more frequently than someone else, or whether he's nastier or is older...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: ... or is featured on a five pound note...

PJ: Deviation, he's deviating.

CF: The ultimate absurdity!

PJ: He's deviating from the subject because he's not talking about absurdities.

NP: Actually I will be fair to him, he was establishing...

PJ: You're being fair to him? Ah! Well when you're going to be fair to me, you let me know! That's when I want to be here!

NP: So Clement you have an incorrect challenge and seven seconds for absurdities starting now.

CF: On the day the clock stopped, the only egg-timer which was left in St John's Wood clogged and...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement's egg-timer kept him going till the whistle went, he gained the extra point and has taken the lead. And Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject is my best suit. If you have one or not would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting...

CF: You mean suet? Or suit?

NP: Suit.

CF: Suit.

NP: Suit, how do you pronounce it?

CF: Well we'll tackle that when we get to it, shall we?

NP: My best suit, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My best suit is the one... that I...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila's challenged.

SH: Hesitation!

NP: Whoever had challenged then would have had it! Sheila you have a point and 55 seconds...

SH: Oh Lord!

NP: ... for my best suit starting now.

SH: Well I don't have that many suits, actually, but just occasionally I put on my pinstripe and that is rather elegant. It's grey with a white line on it, and I wear it with a tie and trilby and er...

BUZZ

SH: ... and I am steadily getting kinkier as I go on with this subject! Oh I've just...

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well I just thought that listeners ought to know she's actually wearing a rather revolting yellow jacket but...

SH: Which belongs to Nicholas Parsons!

NP: And that's going to sound extremely compromising unless you explain it Sheila.

SH: Well because I was cold when I came in to the studio, and Nicholas, gentleman that he is, put his jacket over my shoulders.

NP: And I am shivering here!

CF: And I, I'm wearing his trousers!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It's when you get to the underclothes you have to start worrying! Peter what was your challenge?

PJ: My lips are sealed! What was that?

NP: Your challenge?

PJ: Oh the challenge? Well yes, one of my favourite proverbs, ah, translated from the French, life is hard, women are difficult, children easy to make, courage my friend!

BUZZ

SH: Deviation, I'm so confused, has he got it or me?

PJ: Farewell baskets, the grapes are gathered!

SH: (laughs) Oh dear!

NP: If anybody's got any pro verbs, send them to Peter Jones, he obviously needs them. There are 34 seconds with you Sheila on my best suit starting now.

SH: Well when I played whist regularly I would find that I had the occasional ace, king, queen or jack, which as any of you knows who've played that game I mentioned before, are very useful cards to have because you can trump your partner with these said... cards, and...

BUZZ

SH: Ah!

NP: And Clement's got in.

CF: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't trump your partner with ace, king, queen, jack, unless they happen to be trumps.

NP: If you'd had a repetition of cards...

CF: Oh no! That's too easy!

NP: So Sheila you've got a wrong challenge and you keep the subject...

SH: Oh!

NP: ...which I know you don't want!

SH: God!

NP: Ten seconds for my best suit starting now.

SH: I have this lovely bathing suit. It's brown, actually I have two of them and this is my best one. It's got scraps on either side...

WHISTLE

SH: Oh dear! I've forgotten how mad I am to play this game!

NP: Sheila I would like to say you struggled manfully, you struggled womanfully to keep going when you didn't want the subject, and she, Sheila Hancock, has taken the lead with Clement Freud at the end of that round. Peter Jones we're back with you and the subject is darts. Can you talk on darts for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well no, frankly, I can't! Because I know very little about them! I have played, once I think, when I was a child, but it's not something that really appeals to me. They seem so small, those things they throw at the board. I think knives or axes would be more exciting things to throw, particularly in a crowded pub...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Repetition of throw.

PJ: I noticed that Sheila, it didn't pass unnoticed, or appreciated. I must admit I would like to say a few words...

NP: Oh shut up!

PJ: ... just to draw attention to that generosity!

NP: Have you quite finished?

PJ: Yes!

SH: Have you got another proverb?

NP: Sheila there are 38 seconds...

PJ: The dogs bark but the caravan passes!

NP: Thirty-eight seconds Sheila on darts starting now.

SH: I spent my childhood in a pub because my father worked in one. And when the customers had gone at lunchtime, we, my sister and I, used to have a go at the dart board. And I must say I got rather good at it...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Because the subject is darts, not having a go at the dart board with your sister.

NP: It's a very amusing challenge but I think having a go at the dart board was her interpretation of playing darts. So she keeps darts with 25 seconds left starting now.

SH: When we threw our darts, Clement, we occasionally hit a bull or a double or even a treble which is what you have to do in darts. And these are little instruments with a needle thing on one end and feathers on the end which propel...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of end.

NP: Yes there were two ends. There are nine seconds, no, there are eight and a half seconds for darts with you now Clement starting now.

CF: The very best... dart board...

BUZZ

NP: Graeme Garden challenged.

GG: The very best ah, I thought was hesitation.

NP: I think it was too Graeme yes. There's six and a half seconds on darts Graeme with you starting now.

GG: It would be the work of but six and a half seconds for me to describe my best suit which has in fact two darts...

WHISTLE

NP: So Graeme Garden was then speaking when the whistle went, he made a dart of that subject and got a point. And he's now in fourth place at the end of that round. And Graeme Garden it's your turn to begin, the subject is choice. Would you go on that one for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

GG: When I was asked to, whether or not to appear on this programme, I was faced with one of the most difficult choices that it has ever been my unfortunate lot to encounter. It was only after a good deal of persuasion and barbecued turkey from Ian Messiter that I was persuaded in the first place to ah appear um...

BUZZ

GG: Repetition.

NP: You challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Well I er naturally noticed the repetition but I was too fascinated to hear how he came to be on the programme! I didn't buzz!

GG: We'll swap stories later!

PJ: Ah! Thank you very much Graeme! Yes all right!

NP: Twenty-seven and a half seconds are left Clement, you had a correct challenge, you now have choice starting now.

CF: As I have two suits which are equally good, I have this daily choice on which to wear. The left-hand one, looking at my cupboard from the east is black, pinstriped mohair. Whereas the one on the far side, to the right or west as you might care to put it, is a simple dark gabardine...

BUZZ

NP: Graeme Garden challenged.

GG: It took some working out, but it can't be on the west if the other one is on the left looking from the east.

NP: I wondered when someone was going to spot that.

CF: I've only got one hanger!

SH: Well with one mohaired suit, you could afford to buy some more!

NP: Yes! So anyway there are 14 and a half seconds left Graeme on choice with you starting now.

GG: Some people choose to use a hanger for storing their suits, others to use one for keeping an aeroplane in. Personally had I got one of these useful devices, I'm not sure exactly what would be my choice...

WHISTLE

NP: So Graeme Garden, not having played the game before, is now getting the hang of it, he gained some more points including one for speaking when the whistle went, and he's overtaken Peter Jones. Clement Freud, the subject, the starting point is back with you. The subject is this great panjandrum. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The great panjandrum probably has fewer clothes than anybody I've ever come across. Although he has admittedly two pairs of shoes, he possess but a single sock, one pant, and the sleeve, the right-hand one, of a white shirt. For this reason, I think it is a mistake to refer to him as the great panjandrum. He is more the, the sort-of medium panjandrum, or um, to put it another way...

BUZZ

CF: Yes...

NP: Peter?

PJ: Oh hesitation.

NP: Yes yes I think that was absolutely right.

CF: Thank you very much!

NP: You obviously don't want the subject because the hesitation seemed to go on forever!

PJ: No, I don't want it at all, no! Let him go on! Why don't you overlook it?

NP: No, I think we'd like to hear from you...

PJ: It was a pretty tough challenge, you must admit!

NP: You might have another proverb about panjandrum.

PJ: Quite!

NP: There are 30 seconds left for the great panjandrum, Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: The great panjandrum is whatever you may think it is, I suppose. But if you really reflect and meld into your subconscious, try and lie down for a few minutes, if you've got room out there in the audience. And little thoughts come into your mind as I make these suggestive sounds. Because panjandrum as such is something which is important to each and every one of us, as we sit there in this particular year...

WHISTLE

NP: Well it is indeed and you gained that extra point for keeping going until the whistle went for 30 seconds. And the audience showed their appreciation, and you've overtaken Graeme Garden again. And Sheila we're back with you to start and the subject is justice. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well one of the greatest purveyors of justice that I know is Nicholas Parsons!

NP: Ah!

SH: He rules this game with a rod of iron, always being as fair as he possibly can in the most appallingly difficult circumstances. Justice is a woman is a phrase I quite like the sound of, because what could be more just than the average female, going through...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

SH: He's going to tell me!

PJ: Practically anything!

SH: Now come on Nicholas...

NP: As a mere male, how do I judge on that one?

PJ: Right...

NP: I know, I will put it to the audience. If you agree with Sheila's statement, you cheer for her. And if you agree with Peter's challenge, you boo for him. And you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh the men cheering for the justice of the women, all right then Sheila. The audience say that justice is a woman, and you have it, and she does hold the scales doesn't she? And...

SH: How many seconds?

NP: How many sex?

SH: Yes.

NP: Oh seconds! I'm sorry! Talking about women, my mind wandered for a moment! Um there are 26 seconds...

SH: Oh!

NP: ... for justice with you Sheila starting now.

SH: There is nothing to compare with British justice, although occasionally I must say...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well you can compare, you can compare anything with anything.

NP: But when you say there's nothing to compare, it means that...

CF: No! It means that very simply, there is nothing to compare! If you compare the justice of any other country with our justice, it comes off very badly indeed!

NP: But Sheila was using a phrase, she was not deviating from justice. And therefore she keeps the subject, having gained another point for an incorrect challenge. Twenty seconds left starting now.

SH: I will rephrase it by saying that the subject that I said before is incomparable. That might please you better although...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: No, it doesn't!

NP: It's still an in, it doesn't matter, it's still an incorrect challenge whether he likes it or not. There are 13 seconds for you on justice, Sheila starting now.

SH: I will admit that occasionally there is a questionable verdict made in the courts which I would dispute. For instance sometimes somebody is given a heavily long sentence for a crime that I would have thought was better treated...

WHISTLE

SH: Oh! Oh I do apologise, that was unutterably boring!

NP: No, you kept going magnificently. You were absolutely incomparable throughout! Ah she kept going, she gained an extra point when the whistle went. And actually she has quite a lot of points at the end of that round. But I also have to tell you we have no more time to play Just A Minute so I now have to wind up the proceedings and that at the end of the show, Graeme Garden, coming to play the game having not played it before, did very well. But he did finish one point behind Peter Jones who was in third place. Peter didn't do so well, he was quite a few points behind Clement Freud. But that last burst from Sheila Hancock on justice gave her a strong lead and she is this week without doubt our winner! Sheila Hancock! We hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, not only the game but also the argument and the banter that goes on in between and from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.