JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,GGarden
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and GRAEME GARDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 February 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Graeme Garden, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have three of our regular players, Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones and Clement Freud, and we welcome back our guest, Graeme Garden. And once again I'm going to ask them if they can to speak for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth a very apt subject for you and also to begin the show: making my mark. Will you talk on that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Strictly speaking of course this is what people do when they couldn't properly write. And therefore in lieu of a signature made this particular mark. Well I wouldn't have to so I doodle and the thing I like making most as a mark is an ampersand. People look at it with incredible amazement and say "ooohh how did you do that, lovely effect!" And pieces of paper on which I have done these jottings have been passed round and handed down until the handle dropped off. But in the immediate future I think I will concentrate on a different kind of mark. That is the mark that's left, so to speak, after you've attempted something and people say "he left his mark on that". And in my case very often they'll refer to it vocally. A sign of stone, they'll say. But in any case always he...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: ... was lovely!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: What a lovely feller! You hear that again...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ...and again! He left his mark didn't he!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: And what a lovely feller he was!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: He came here with better form, you know what I mean?

NP: Kenneth...

KW: And I've often caught up with that infectiously, oh how lovely of you! I warm to it immediately! And I think it's very... Look at him! He's scuttling across like a mad thing!

NP: I must explain to the listeners! The pause then was that I left my desk and walked right across the stage here at the Paris cinema in the west end of London to hit Kenneth Williams over the head to shut him up! Because he'd been challenged a long time before that, but it was bad luck Kenneth because you had kept going for 57 seconds when Clement Freud came in with a challenge that I've almost forgotten now. What was it Clement?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of case.

NP: Well I'm sure you're right. Did he say case twice? I have to ask the audience did he? You've forgotten the same as I have, have you? All right, they all say, and the audience are in this game the final judge, so Kenneth you keep the subject because the audience say yes...

KW: I did say it.

NP: Oh Kenneth's admitted he did say case twice! So, he's honest....

PETER JONES: He kept going for about three minutes, actually, didn't he? He kept going for about three minutes!

NP: Well he almost kept going for the full 28 minutes of the show! I thought we would all go home and just...

PJ: I mean if you hadn't walked across the stage in the west end of London, he would still be talking!

NP: I thought it would be nice for people abroad who listen to know where we are, stuck here in this little underground subterranean, um...

BUZZ

PJ: Hesitation!

NP: And I would agree Peter! But Clement Freud has a point for a correct challenge of case and you take over the subject Clement with three seconds to go and the subject was making my mark starting now.

CF: This is something Anne likes to talk about a great...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle was blown which tells us that 60 seconds is up and he gains an extra point for doing so. You also gain another point, in fact he's the only person to get any points in that round. Graeme Garden, would you begin the next round. And the subject is my friends. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

GRAEME GARDEN: I could count my friends on the fingers of one hand twice from which you will deduce that I have two and a half friends. The friend that is only a half is not physically in two parts...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think I'll have to say that that was going rather slowly Graeme and give the hesitation to Kenneth, a point for a correct challenge and 46 seconds, my friends Kenneth starting now.

KW: All take me as they find me! That is the virtue of one's friends! It's tautologous of course to say mutual friends and Dickens should have known better. But then in my view he was practically an illiterate! The friends I have been with have been many and varied. In the Army there was some extraordinary acquaintances I struck up in a barrack room in Bombay. And I'd landed off this ship and this feller said to me "I'll get you a cup of tea you see by the dockside". Well I took him at his word which sadly was my erm, what do you call it...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree with that one Peter. There are 10 seconds left for my friends, it's with you, starting now.

PJ: Well my friends like everybody else's tend to be people who agree with me and come on to my side against everybody else. And I think as one thinks...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of everybody else. My friends like everybody else...

NP: Yes that's right. And you got in with only half a second to go Clement, oh I've been told actually I was wrong, one fifth of a second to go, starting now.

CF: It won't...

WHISTLE

NP: So once again Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. And Clement your turn to begin.

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I was just interested in the timing. Because I notice it often happens that somebody finishes when they have half a second or in that case one fifth of a second to go on speaking. And it never seems to happen that somebody has 27 and four fifths seconds to talk. I wonder why that is?

NP: I'll put it right in the next round.

PJ: Oh yes, you mean it is wrong? It's an admission then that it's wrong!

NP: No, no.

PJ: You say you'll put it right!

NP: Hoisted on my own petard! All right...

PJ: No, I'm not talking about your petard! I wouldn't dream of it! This is a family show!

NP: We'll try and keep it that way Peter...

PJ: Yes!

NP: And er and we'll try and please you. And that could be misunderstood as well, by saying something to the effect that you just brought up!

PJ: Yes! Thank you very much!

NP: In the next round, and we're going to start with Clement Freud. The subject is what I listen to. And there are 60 seconds as usual to start, starting now.

CF: This is the sort of phrase I deplore because it ends in a pro preposition.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well yes! That sounded extraordinarily like a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was...

KW: Or a fluff or something I don't know.

NP: If it was somebody who wasn't as brilliant at the game as Clement Freud I would have probbaly let him get away with it.

KW: Yes.

NP: But as it was a correct challenge, you have it, what I listen to. And there are 50 and four fifteenths of a second, I'm sorry 55 and four fifteenths, I miscalculated slightly, on what I listen to, starting now.

KW: Well of course it would have to be the news mostly. I'm a great glutton for the news....

BUZZ

NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.

GG: Repeat of news.

NP: Yes.

KW: No, I said nudes. The news about the nudes! You should listen to me you see!

NP: I think you're flannelling. Because I think it sounded like two news.

CF: I don't believe...

KW: Do I look like a flanneler?

CF: I don't...

NP: Well you certainly don't look like a nude!

CF: I don't believe you can listen to a nude!

KW: News about the nudes, you great fool!

NP: Well you can listen for a little while but probably you'd get carried away with that. Graeme you have the subject of what I listen to. There are 49 seconds for Graeme Garden to talk about what I listen to starting now.

GG: When I am not sitting trying to glean some information about the unclothed people which is broadcast from time to time on the radio...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of time.

NP: Yes, from time to time. Clement you listened well and you have a point, what I listen to is the subject and there are 43 seconds left starting now.

CF: Where I came from, how I got there, whom I play with, what I walk by, things I looked at, are other examples of phrases that end with a preposition, not a proposition...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, this is a grammatical dissertation, it's not what I listen to.

NP: Yes, the subject is what I listen to, not...

CF: I was getting into it!

NP: No, no, you haven't got into it with any speed. You were talking about sentences that finish with prepositions which is not the subject. So Kenneth has a correct challenge and 29 seconds left starting now.

KW: Also I like a bit of Mahler you know. That can be very easy on the ear. He got a lovely melody from a bird but it kept on singing the same thing so he got a rifle and shot it! And he was doing the orchestration and his wife had to take the food out to this shed because he didn't allow her in while the muse of inspiration lighted on his shoulder, he said she got in the way! She had to leave this toast and this marmalade or whatever you know that he had in the morning on the door step...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went. He gained an extra point for that as well as other points in the round and I think he could have been had for deviation. You were going on about Mahler...

KW: Well that's what I listen to! You couldn't do anything else but listen to him, could you?

NP: No you were telling us about his wife and his family setup and his eating habits and the muse that struck him, and not what you listened to! Anyway! What I listen to was the subject and you gained extra points and you're second, one point behind Clement Freud at the end of the round. And Peter Jones to start the next one, the subject is metrication. Would you talk on that one in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I think the metric system has got a great deal to recommend it but I must admit that I regret the passing of the words like yard, mile, inch, rod, pole, perch, chave...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well the subject is metrication and we've just got a list of things which are nothing to do with metrication.

NP: Oh yes they are...

KW: The subject is metrication, not those things.

NP: In my position as chairman I have to make a decision and I consider, I consider that they are connected with metrication if only because...

KW: Connected with metrication!

NP: And I definitely feel that, I definitely agree with what Peter was saying! Because he was expressing exactly the same point of view and he's got a very fine mind! And there are 47 seconds Peter for metrication starting now.

PJ: Kilometre, centimetre, millimetre, I suppose they will object to those as well if I go on repeating them!

NP: Yes I expect they will!

PJ: Lead do you think?

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Pause. Hesitation.

NP: Yes but that was because the chairman was agreeing with him and talking. Peter I tripped you up, we'll ignore that challenge! And say that you have 41 seconds to continue on metrication starting now.

PJ: Yes well it is as I say...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: It's the second yes well. But I suppose that would trip him up!

PJ: Did I say yes well before?

CF: Mmmmm.

NP: I'm afraid you did Peter. And there are 37 seconds on metrication with you Clement starting now.

CF: I'm really very unhappy about metrication...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of very. He said very very unhappy.

NP: No he only said one very.

PJ: Oh really?

NP: Yes he did. Yes.

PJ: Terribly difficult to hear over here, very difficult, it sounded like very very unhappy to me, it really did, didn't it Graeme?

GG: Yes it did yes.

KW: Well turn your deaf aid up!

PJ: What was that?

NP: What a programme! A chairman with no mind and deaf panelists! A chairman...

KW: And he's dropped off in the front! Look!

NP: There are 36 seconds Clement on metrication with you starting now.

CF: I'm fond of yards and inches and feet! I believe that Fahrenheit is a much more attractive scale of measuring temperature than either centigrade, Celsius or even Reaumur. And I'm not at all cheerful about dividing everything by 10 or multiplying it, decimalisation generally. It's so un-British...

BUZZ


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he couldn't think what it was like!

PJ: No he couldn't, everything else but that!

NP: There are seven seconds left for you Peter, or would you prefer me to say seven and seven eighths seconds left on metrication, oh no, 7.95 seconds left, metrication, starting now.

PJ: I think it's bound to come and spread all over the United Kingdom...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well deviation, I mean he's saying he thinks it's bound to come, we know it's come, so it's absurd to say he thinks it's bound to come.

NP: Well then he's absolutely right, isn't he?

KW: Yes!

NP: Absolutely right! He keeps the subject and there are three seconds on metrication starting now.

PJ: Those of us who have been on the Continent and come back with rulers and measuring tape...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained an extra point, and others in the round as well. He's one ahead of Kenneth Williams but two behind our leader who is Clement Freud. Graeme Garden is trailing a little and Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. The subject: the trivium. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It's not very much heard of nowadays. I believe it comes from the medieval school of learning which divided the social arts so to speak into trivium and quadrivium. But what we are dealing with here is grammar, rhetoric and logic. A pity nowadays that public speakers are not well versed in these matters! I can well recall the time of my youth when I saw men who were orators of enormous stature and called hither! And I heard the great Aneurin Bevan and a heckler shouted at him, "we're not Labour! All are Conservative! What about Liberal?" And he said "I was never one to frown upon ambition". And they fell about laughing! Of course that was the period...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged with one and a half seconds to go.

CF: Why did they fall about laughing?

KW: He had that sort of timing. He was a brilliant speaker! Absolutely brilliant!

NP: So what was the challenge?

CF: There was no challenge, I just wanted to know.

NP: I'm disagreeing with Clement's challenge. You have one and a half seconds...

KW: Oh I don't want it back now! I've gone off the whole thing! Well you've got to get worked up haven't you, you know! Get the wheels going, the wheels!

NP: I must explain to the listeners he was so worked up before he nearly knocked Clement Freud in both eyes!

KW: Did I? Oh sorry!

NP: You may have guessed he was then trying to make up for it! Kenneth you have one and a half seconds on the trivium starting now.

KW: Logic of course is an essential ingredient...

WHISTLE


NP: The Kenneth Williams fan club is in the audience! And Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went and they made quite certain that they applauded the fact and he's equal in the lead at the end of that round with Clement Freud. And something that's a bit clever, he's got them all over on the same side of the audience where he sits, because none of them clap over this side! Graeme Garden it's your turn to begin, and the subject is hops. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

GG: I used at one time to have a pet frog whose name was ampersand and his mode of peregrination or perambulation was to proceed forward in bounds, leaps or hops, often measuring several centimetres. This he would do from dawn to dusk, day after 24 hour period, week after seven day period, and month after...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two periods I'm afraid.

NP: Bad luck Graeme, it was so good, yes.

GG: Too clever by half!

NP: Full of the trivium there! There are 36 seconds on hops with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The great Cockney pastime used to be to go down into Kent and pick hops ready for the actual brewing you see. And hollis, thay all got their gear into this little basket you see, and the lovely things, oh I said you see twice!

BUZZ

NP: I know you have! And you pressed your buzzer as well!

KW: Yes I thought I'd pull myself up! Coz these hadn't gone for it! I mean I've got a point! They won't deny that! A point! I want to get a point!

NP: If you were...

KW: Oh finally if I...

NP: Kenneth....

KW: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh! Hahahhahahahahahahaha!

NP: Kenneth gets a point for a correct challenge and he keeps the subject of hops and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

KW: But they are the most appalling smelling stuff you know if you get it after a few weeks and I was down there in this brewery. They asked me down there to get the flavour of it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two down theres.

NP: Yes you were down that brewery too long. Clement has the subject, six and a half seconds, hops, starting now.

CF: Is it true that woodlice jump backwards was the question in the National Geographical magazine and the answer was...

WHISTLE

NP: And the answer was...

CF: Can I go on because it was rather a good answer?

NP: Yes I'd love to have it!

CF: The answer was the woodlouse if a small hard backed conically shaped insect which intrajection lands facing the direction of takeoff to which the editor said "yes is the word you are searching for".

NP: That applause sounded more like sympathy than appreciation! Clement speaking as the whistle went on hops, you gain an extra point and one other in the round so you're equal in the lead again with Kenneth Williams at the end of the round. Peter Jones and Graeme Garden are trailing a little. And Clement your turn to begin. The subject, the essential sausage. A strange subject, difficult enough to say isn't it? But anyway can you talk on the essential sausage in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I don't believe there is such a thing as an essential sausage. When you talk about the essentials of life then bread, water, air, perhaps cucumber salad. But surely an essential sausage is getting it a bit far. Perhaps if one must mention an essential sausage it should have a modicum of meat but invariably has too much bread and insufficient spice and a terrible dearth of seasoning. That's all I'm going to say.

BUZZ

NP: And the regulars were so surprised it took our guest to come in first. Graeme Garden, your challenge was?

GG: Hesitation.

NP: I think you're right.

KW: I don't think it was a hesitation, he just said I’m not going to say any more! Hahhahahahahahahahaha!

CF: It's not hesitation.

KW: No hesitation.

CF: It's not hesitation.

PJ: It's a foul!

NP: Well having come to a fullstop you hesitated and then you stopped. there we are! There are 29 seconds for Graeme to talk about the essential sausage starting now.

GG: There was a case I saw reported in the papers recently about a tin of baked beans and sausages, the label of which contained a photograph of the contents and four of the meaty substance. Whereas on opening the product a housewife discovered that there were in fact only three of the essential sausages. Therefore the missing one would be in my view the essential sausage.

WHISTLE

NP: And I hope her claim was upheld by the er. So what's the score at the end of that round? Graeme you were speaking when the whistle went, you gain an extra point but I'm afraid you're still in fourth place, just behind Peter Jones. Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud still in the lead. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject trampolines. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: One of the most delightful inventions of mankind and completely harmless like fountains and toy balloons and the greatest of all perhaps music. Because people can jump on these things and get a feeling of lightness, perhaps only captured by the people on the Moon when they went up there, able to jump up in the air for several yards...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: People was twice.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Oh really?

NP: And Kenneth you have the subject now of trampolines and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well it is exhilarating because you're blown or thrown right up into the air and you come down with the wind whistling past the old eardrum tubes. And it really is quite extraordinary. It's wrong to say that it's harmless because I saw someone go up and come down in a very nasty fashion. And they actually had to be dealt with by the St Johns Ambulance Brigade. But on the other hand like all these things you see it is a question of usage. Now if you know how to go about it like a hang glider, the same thing applies. If you know what you're up to you can't go far wrong.

WHISTLE

KW: I know, I know why I wasn't interrupted!

NP: Why?


KW: Nobody wanted it!

NP: No-one could have more deliberately repeated it, if you know what....

KW: They didn't want it!

NP: They didn't want it! At the end of that round he's gone into a lead ahead of Clement Freud and it's his turn to begin. Kenneth the subject is my considered opinion. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It was long ago remarked by an ancient divine that all the public know of a man is his reputation and as to his character God alone can know that. It was a sentiment I heartily endorse. And when I think out with a barrow in the street all day walking the greens about, night collick flowers, carving out, when he shouts, "I'm here girls". Nice greens, cut little greens, spuds all nice and brown and if you boil them up an hour they're like a ball...

BUZZ

KW: Who challenged? Who challenged?

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

KW: What a fool! I was in full flight!

NP: I know! What utter drivel in flood though! Peter what was your challenge?

PJ: There was deviation and hesitation, both really.

NP: Deviation entirely yes.

PJ: An interesting combination.

NP: He was boiling up his considered opinion. Peter I heartily agree with your challenge and you have 21 seconds to talk on my considered opinion starting now.

PJ: My considered opinion is only arrived at after a great deal of deliberation and thought. I retire to a little shed at the bottom of the garden. And there I sit down and I cogitate. And after making numerous notes on the paper which is at hand I come...

WHISTLE

NP: Well after that little glimpse into Peter Jones' life and the rather simple way he lives, he gained a point for speaking when the whistle went, he moved forward, but he stayed in third place. And I've also been told we have no more time to continue with the game of Just A Minute. So if Kenneth Williams will stop chuckling in that inane way I'll tell you what the final score was. Graeme Garden, returning after his triumphs of a few weeks back came in fourth place, a few points behind Peter Jones. Peter was two points behind Clement Freud and Clement was two points behind Kenneth Williams.

KW: I've won! Oh it's well deserved! It's well deserved! How splendid! That's wonderful! Speech!

NP: We've certainly enjoyed playing the game and we hope you'll all want to hear us again. Until then from us, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.