WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and GRAEME GARDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 November 1976)
ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Graeme Garden, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we're pleased to welcome back our guest, Graeme Garden. And all four are going to speak at different times for just one minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And we'll start the show with Peter Jones and Peter the subject is making my peace. Will you try and talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.
PETER JONES: Well some time in what I hope will be my distant future I will at last make my peace with the BBC with whom I've had this love hate relationship for so long. Because they have after all given pleasure and enjoyment to so many people. Aside from the.. viewers and listeners...
NP: Kenneth Williams has buzzed.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation.
NP: Yes I agree with your hesi... your challenge of hesitation Kenneth. So you get a point for that and you take over the subject, it's making my peace and there are 42 seconds left starting now.
KW: I make my piece with flour and water and a little cheese and once inadvertently I'm afraid my father's stomach powder. The result that came up in the oven was a piece of such deliciousness that everyone remarked upon it! But alas the smell was atrocious!
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: It's, it's, there's something wrong! Is its a pea, a pea, that he's making? What is he making?
NP: He's making his piece.
PJ: Oh, a piece! Of what?
NP: He didn't say but it doesn't matter. He didn't deviate from the subject on the card and has a point and keeps the subject and there are 25 seconds left starting now.
KW: The other way is to keep your piece in the back row of the stalls with a piece who is delicious if you can get hold of her in time. The way to do this is to offer her a blouse and say it's shop silk. That always gets them going! In fact it's been well known in the region which I have frequented most of the formative years...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation of grammar.
NP: I think that's a good...
CF: The region which I have frequented most of the formative years.
NP: Yes, don't embarrass him by going into it. I think I would agree with that challenge. And you have five seconds Clement having gained a point, making my peace, starting now.
CF: Before you can make your peace it is absolutely essential to wage war.
NP: Well Ian Messiter blows his whistle after 60 seconds and whomever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And as you noticed it was Clement Freud. So he got a point then, he also got a point for his correct challenge. He has two, Kenneth Williams has two at the end of the first round. And Kenneth will you start the second round. The Gladstone bag. Will you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Contrary to popular belief it has nothing to do with the politician and was developed as a prototype by none other than Gladys Heginbotham, whose first version was in cardboard and pieces of rope with which it was suspended from the hand. She knew little of this world having been taken by her aunt from Dawlish in a bullock cart in the early period of her life. She wrote poems and was one of the greatest exponents of Lin Tang Po, who you'll all recall did incredible work metrically with the system known as Euclidean as opposed to...
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
PJ: I don't know what bag he's talking about but it sounds like this one's from Dawlish to me! It's not the Gladstone bag that you told him to talk about.
NP: I just said the Gladstone bag. So what is your challenge? Deviation?
PJ: It's deviation.
NP: I think you'd be right.
PJ: Ah you do, yes.
NP: And I will give you a point for a correct challenge and there are 15 seconds left for the subject Peter starting now.
PJ: A really splendid invention and I can't understand why they don't go on making them. They make these plastic ones....
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: We don't want to hear that rubbish! I want to go on with this! I want to go on and tell you about Gladys Heginbotham because she is quite an intriguing person!
NP: Yes I'm sure we'd all love to hear it but we also have to stick to the rules of the game Kenneth.
KW: You are rotten Nick! You really are!
NP: I know!
KW: You get on your high horse and won't allow freedom to the imaginative range...
NP: And if I was to give an incorrect decision on something the things that you would say. There are nine seconds left for Peter Jones with the gladstone bag starting now.
PJ: Very roomy and you can accomodate an enormous number of articles in it. And of course it was immortalised by none other than Oscar Wilde in that great play...
NP: Well Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went. he gained an extra point for that and others in the round so he's taken the lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud, will you begin the next round. The subject: pigeons. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: There are many different kinds of pigeons such as the homing ones, which you can put on a train to Dawlish where Gladys Heginbotham unleashes...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Yes I certainly challenge! Gladys Heginbotham would have nothing to do with pigeons! She hated them! She was the one that complained bitterly about their droppings! Because they were always, they were always baiting her...
KW: She never stopped! She had to go to the cleaners all the time for a wash and press!
NP: Kenneth, Kenneth, he never said she had anything to do with them. He said you could put them on a train to Dawlish. And anybody could do that.
KW: He mentioned Gladys Heginbotham!
NP: Yes, well Gladys Hegin... Because you mentioned her. You established she came from Dawlish.
CF: Let's all mention Gladys Heginbotham.
NP: It's going to be the Gladys Heginbotham Show.
CF: It'll be Gladys Heginbotham Week.
NP: There are 49 seconds left for you Clement, having got an incorrect challenge, to continue on pigeons starting now.
CF: And then they...
NP: Ah, Graeme Garden. How nice to hear from you!
GRAEME GARDEN: Yes, I'd just like to mention Gladys Heginbotham if I....
NP: Will you give Graeme Garden a bonus point for having mentioned Gladys Heginbotham. I thought that was absolutely a stroke of genius.
GG: This is easy!
NP: And Clement Freud keeps the subject. Oh he also gets one for a wrong challenge too. And there are 47 seconds on pigeons Clement starting now.
CF: It is no great challenge for them flying over Trafalgar Square because aim where they will, a hit is bound to occur. But on the way to the place from whence they came, whither they started off as you might say...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: He was checking me on grammar so I'm checking him. That was deviation from grammar, that's dreadful grammar! From whence they came, whither they started off! I mean I've never heard such rubbish in my life! It's all dreadful nonsense grammatically! Yes! They're all nodding you see, they're all agreeing! It's appalling grammar!
NP: The trouble is some of them are nodding off! It's very unlike the way most people speak but he keeps the subject with 33 seconds on pigeons starting now.
CF: It's often been said that if you love someone very much you eat them, hence cannibalism, and in the same way I who adore pigeons...
NP: Ah, Peter Jones.
PJ: That's deviation, that isn't often said at all. It's absolute rubbish to say it's often said!
NP: No, no, no, no, no, we, we, we, no, no, we don't necessarily, I don't... Peter Jones you have the subject, there are 26 seconds for pigeons starting now.
PJ: Well I had four pigeons when I was a small boy and I also posessed a bicycle and I used to ride out into the country and release these birds from their little basket which jogged along attached to the handle bars, and try and race them back to the loft where we all lived and they very frequently made it before I did...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Deviation. I don't believe Peter Jones lived in a loft.
NP: Well you can believe it or not, he wasn't technically deviating from the subject of pigeons, whether it was correct or not.
CF: We're playing a different game are we?
NP: Um, he could have lived in a loft for a time. It might have been only for a night!
CF: This sounds like the Heginbotham version of Just A Minute!
NP: Well it maybe is but he wasn't devaiting from pigeons and there are seven seconds left Peter starting now.
PJ: And sometimes when I felt very rich...
PJ: ... I would get on the train and...
NP: Graeme Garden challenged.
GG: I think he hesitated before rich.
PJ: Well you were mistaken! And I got on the....
NP: But I agree with his challenge Peter. And so he has four seconds to take over the subject of pigeons starting now.
GG: At the risk of talking about a subject which is over my head I consider that...
NP: On this occasion Graeme Garden was speaking when the whistle went so he gained an extra point and he's gained other points in that round and he's moved into second place ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Peter Jones and Clement Freud are in the lead. Graeme would you begin the next round. The subject is snaps. You have Just A Minute in which to talk about it starting now.
GG: In the world of snaps, there are several types. There is the brandy snap, the ginger snap and photographic snap. Of these by far the tastiest is the photographic snap.
NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of photographic.
NP: Yes I'm afraid so.
GG: That will serve me right for eating it then!
KW: I just fell in! Repeated on you! Yes! I get it! I used to be much quicker!
NP: Forty-eight seconds are left for snaps Clement starting now.
CF: In the eastern European countries they have a drink called schnapps which is actually spelt s-c-h-n-a-p and the last letter is the same as the first one. It's a very harsh...
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Well since he's discussing schapps and not snaps I think it's deviation! And therefore he should lose the subject.
NP: I see, the different pronunciation, one is snaps, the other one is schnapps. And you have a correct challenge Kenneth and you have 26 seconds for snaps starting now.
KW: This was the subject of one of the most delightful Vaudeville sketches you can ever have seen where this lady said she wanted to show her album, one of her cave, and the deck chair that blew over, and my boyfriend wearing a banana for a moustache, and over exposures had ruined it all. And this dreadful man she's invited to dinner kept asking for the gentleman's relish and she said "surely my snaps are more interesting than that..."
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well because that's nothing to do with the sketch that he's talking about. All this business with the relish! That's some other sketch!
NP: Was it? Well done!
PJ: I mean it all happened a great many years ago and of course his memory wasn't as good as it was, poor old Kenneth! And they've all merged you see.
KW: You make me sound like a derelict!
NP: It was about as long ago as when you when you were living in that loft with your bicycle and the pigeons!
PJ: Oh it was long before that! You know!
NP: Peter you have four seconds for snaps starting now.
PJ: They can be terribly boring particularly when they belong to other people and they've taken them on their holiday...
NP: Right! So at the end of that round Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went and he's moved into the lead one ahead of Clement Freud. Peter back with you to start. The subject is bells and there are 60 seconds to talk about it starting now.
PJ: What I'm very fond is the tintin abulation of the bell, that is the tingaling and dingdong and so on that they make. Very attractive especially in the distance on a Sunday morning you can hear this clanging going on and you feel moved very often to go and worship at the local church where they're making all this racket. And I've found that a small kind of bell er attached to a piece of string...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Hesitation er. Bell er attached to a kind of string.
NP: Oh he went at such speed that I wouldn't call that a real hesitation.
KW: No! I mean the way he speaks, he's so slow that there's a hesitation between every word! You have to...
NP: And sometimes between ers!
PJ: Yes I know! Very right!
NP: You have 32 seconds starting now.
PJ: Yes well...
NP: I'll give you that one yes. Kenneth do your best, bells starting now.
KW: Ring out...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: The first challenge.
NP: The first challenge? Which is wrong so Kenneth has another point. There are 29 seconds on bells starting now.
KW: In the immortal words of John Dunne, was it not he who wrote "fear not to ask for whom..."
KW: ... the bell...
NP: Graeme Garden has challenged you.
GG: Repetition of not.
NP: Not? He only said not ... Oh well done Graeme! Yes you get another point. He's catching up! He only said not once....
GG: He said was it not John Dunne who said...
NP: Oh yes he did, well done! Graeme you should come more often.
NP: I think you should have my job actually! The um... Graeme you have the subject of bells and there are 24 seconds left starting now.
GG: It was I believe Gladys Heginbotham who first hit upon the idea of attaching small bells to the sardines that she habitually played at her concerts up and down the country. The Fairfield hall, Croydon, was in fact the venue at which she first demonstrated this musical diversion.
NP: Ah Graeme Garden has challenged himself.
GG: I was going to hesitate!
NP: Well as you challenged yourself for hesitation I'm sure that you must be correct and the only thing I can do is to say yes that was a correct challenge, you have a point. There are five seconds left starting now.
GG: The sound of bells ringing out on a sabbath morning across the hills...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged with only one second to go. What is...
PJ: Well I said all that! It was rather boring the first time! And to sit here and listen to somebody else repeating it a minute or two later is more than flesh and blood can stand!
NP: Yes well that maybe so! But I'm afraid flesh and blood if they're going to listen to this programme is going to have to stand it and you have one second and two points to make on the subject of bells starting now.
GG: On board ship...
NP: Graeme Garden caught up magnificently on that subject. He's now only one point behind Peter Jones and Kenneth's only two or three points behind that. And we're back with Kenneth Williams to begin. A little earlier on Ian Messiter spoke to me to suggest that the subject of Gladys Heginbotham should now be given to Kenneth Williams. So the subject is Gladys Heginbotham Kenneth and you have 60 seconds to talk about her starting now.
KW: You have sprung this on me and it is totally unexpected. But with my usual expertise and extraordinary aplomb I shall endeavour to give you a potted bio...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: He's just introducing the whole thing! He isn't talking about it at all!
NP: He's got to introduce it before he can talk about it.
PJ: No you've introduced it! He introduced it earlier anyway!
NP: That's a very pedantic argument!
KW: Yes, you old pedant! He's an old pedant isn't he! Look at him!
PJ: Listen to me Williams...
KW: He's gone white now! He's gone white! Look, he's gone white!
PJ: He introduced Gladys Heginbotham...
KW: You shut your row! I've got the subject!
PJ: He's got some personal thing going with her!
KW: Why don't you get some manners! They've got no manners have they! They've got no manners!
PJ: I've never heard of this woman! How can I be expected to talk about her for a minute!
NP: Well you'll have to try if you win it. You might know a Gladys Heginbotham. There might be a show called the Gladys Heginbotham Show after this. We're putting her on the map today! Kenneth it was an incorrect challenge and you have 47 seconds to continue on, oh I'm so sorry, continue talking on the subject of Gladys Heginbotham starting now.
KW: She lived in the grey green hollow of Bowery, Northumbria. In this...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: We've already established she lived in Dawlish!
KW: Shut your row! If you recall I said her upbringing in Dawlish dear with her aunt in a bullock cart! Not the rest of her life! What a nerve he's got! I know more about Gladys Heginbotham than you've had hot dinners! How dare you sit there and criticise...
NP: Well you know after what Peter Jones said last time I'm not sure you do know as much about her as he does. Shall we see what Peter Jones knows about Gladys Heginbotham. I give him the benefit of the doubt for that challenge because you did establish Dawlish earlier on...
KW: They're all dying to hear about the real one! He don't know her!
NP: He might know her better than you for all we know!
CF: On a point of information...
KW: On a point of information? Oh the grandeur!
NP: Have you said that somewhere before?
CF: Was this a single bullock that went from Dawlish to Northumbria?
NP: Oh no no no no no. You could get a return. We'll get back to Gladys Heginbotham with Peter Jones to try to talk about her and there are 40 seconds left starting now.
PJ: Well I don't know anything about Gladys Heginbotham...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you. Yes?
KW: Well obviously I mean it's just out of his own mouth, isn't he?
KW: Well if he doesn't know anything about her he can't even...
NP: Ah but that's not the game Kenneth. You've been playing this now for eight years. If you get the subject, you don't know anything about it, you've got to try talking on the subject. As long as you keep going without hesitation, repetition or deviating you're all right. And he didn't do anything like that. He's still on Gladys Heginbotham and... I'm terribly sorry... I was just wondering when we'd get off her a bit! There are 37 seconds left on the subject of Gladys Heginbotham Peter starting now.
PJ: However I do know something about Kenneth Williams and his appalling taste.
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of something.
NP: Yes that is correct Clement. There are 33 seconds for Gladys...
PJ: I didn't say something before.
NP: Yes you did.
CF: In the previous one.
PJ: Really? What did I say?
NP: Something. There are 33 seconds with Gladys Heginbotham with you Clement starting now.
CF: One of the most difficult things about Gladys Heginbotham is writing...
NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.
NP: I agree with you Graeme. So you've got Gladys Heginbotham now.
GG: Oh! Yes!
NP: Would you like to enjoy her for 27 seconds starting now.
GG: The musical world was agog at the first concert given at the Royal Albert Hall by Gladys Heginbotham who was to be found up on the stage playing sardines. this she did with two small mallets and the fish were of course live, and emitted tiny squeaks of agony as they were hit by La Heginbotham. The musical press gave her....
NP: For further information about Gladys Heginbotham please write to any member of the team and they'll tell you all about her upbringing in Dawlish where she moved from Northumberland to this great musical success that she had at the Royal Albert Hall with fish emitting those revolting sounds. Graeme Garden was speaking as the whistle went. He gained the extra point. He's exactly equal with Kenneth Williams and they've both only got half as many points as Peter Jones and Clement Freud. And Clement, your turn to begin. The subject is home made wine. Just A Minute to talk about it starting now.
CF: For those who specialise in identifying noises the clanging bell of a fire engine or even a police siren are as nothing compared to the home made whine. The tongue clicking against the roof of the mouth emitting an astonishingly high shrill shriek. I think it's possibly the best of the home made whines that I have come across. Although elderberry and dandelion run it a close third and fourth. I will come to the second in a few moments. Ideally you get plant or fruit and ferment it endlessly with yeast and sugar. Thereafter you telephone the police and say "I'm intending to break the law by building a still, and if you'd be good enough to send an officer to my premises I will go quietly to such place as the justice of the peace, the magistrate or the authorities...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation. No-one would ring up and ask to be arrested!
NP: A very good challenge, yes!
CF: What do you mean? I was talking about home made wine.
KW: Can't you accept the judgement of the chairman?
NP: I also think...
CF: Reluctantly yes!
NP: ... being arrested has got nothing to do with home made wine. I cannot see any connection. Other than that ridiculous one you gave us which I think was deviation. I'd like to hear from Kenneth Williams on the subject.
KW: Quite right! Very good! Isn't he a lovely chairman!
NP: Wait till I give a decision aginst him in a few minutes! Five seconds Kenneth on home made wine starting now.
KW: It's better to do it with gooseberry cup and to goose each berry individually. They like it. They always result in...
NP: So Kenneth Williams got some more points. Graeme Garden your turn to begin. The subject is things I get called and you have Just A Minute to talk about them starting now.
GG: The thing that I get called most often is Mr Gardener. Because having a slightly unusual surname everyone assumes it is the more common g-a-r-d-e-n-e-r variety instead of the common or Garden variety.
NP: Ah Graeme Garden has challenged.
NP: Well I think that was extraordinarily observant of you and you've got in like a flash there on that one. And of course it was a correct challenge Graeme so you get a point for challenging yourself and you obviously must keep the subject because um and er a jolly good way of keeping going isn't it? There are 42 seconds left for things I get called starting now.
GG: Other things I get called are hey you, oi, over there and several names...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Well apart from that he was coming to a hesitation I don't think anyone would call him over there! I don't think they'd say "here, over there, come over here"! Oi too...
NP: It is possible...
KW: Anyway it's not that I'm challenging on, I'm challenging on hesitation.
GG: You can call somebody over there...
KW: I'm challenging on hesitation! I'm challenging on hesitation!
NP: No, it's wrong, now you've changed. I must accept your first challenge...
KW: No I said first of all I'm challenging on hesitation! I said first of all I'm challenging on hesitation!
NP: I'm not accepting that challenge! I'm accepting the other one!
CF: Shall we go?
NP: Anyway he didn't hesitate either! And it's quite possible that somebody in a moment of abberation might have said "hey, over there!"; Um....
KW: You liar! Look at his face! Look at his face! Red isn't he! Look at him, he's gone red! He knows he's lying! Look at him!
NP: I think it's quite feasible. There are 33 seconds Graeme for things I get called starting now.
GG: Speaking on the subject of things I get called, I was in fact interrupted by Mr Kenneth Williams....
NP: And Kenneth Williams...
KW: Deviation. That has nothing to do with things I get called.
NP: He was just about to say he got interrupted...
KW: You don't know what he was going to say! Shut your great row! How did you know what he was going to say? Are you going to be a mindreader? Where's your crystal ball? You suddenly know what he's going to say!
NP: Don't be filthy! We didn't know what he was going to say because you never gave him a chance. You came in too soon. But we assume it was something about things he gets called. So he has 26 seconds, seven seconds, on things I get called starting now.
GG: And I must confess that I think the panelist that is sitting opposite me is quite correct in his original challenge on hesitation. And indeed deviation when I said I had been called over there. I've been called...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of over there.
NP: Yes. That's not what's on the card Graeme so that was a correct challenge. And there are 14 seconds for you Clement to take over things I get called starting now.
CF: The things I get called are my name, Clement Freud esquire. Sometimes Mister. Occasionally...
KW: I don't believe it! Nobody comes up to him and says Clement Freud esquire.
CF: Oh yes they do!
NP: If they wanted to be rude, yes they might!
KW: Nobody does it! You don't know what you're talking! You're talking rubbish! Nobody comes up...
NP: People do talk rubbish on ocacsions!
KW: ... to you in this world and says "hello Nicholas Parsons esquire"! Well they might have to in your case because it is difficult to know what you're supposed to be! Dressed up like that...
NP: People do address other, people do address other people in very strange ways on occasions! I've heard you called some funny things in my time as well I can tell you! Clement it's possible that you were addressed in that way. So there are seven seconds for you to continue on things I get called starting now.
CF: People have come up to me and said 'are you the man who is the recipient of those appalling decisions made by Nicholas Parsons...."
NP: Let me tell you the final score which was very very close. Kenneth Williams who trailed quite a lot throughout the show did come back with a little Williams flourish toward the end and finished in fourth place. But he was only three points behind Peter Jones and only one point separated him from Graeme Garden who came second which is very good for a visitor with these three sharp regulars and he was only one point behind this week's winner, Clement Freud. From all of us here may I say I hope you've enjoyed the show this week. From us all, goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.