JAM:PMerton,GBrandreth,JClary,JEclair
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, GYLES BRANDRETH, JULIAN CLARY and JENNY ECLAIR, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 September 2007)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners around the world. But also to welcome to the programme this week four brilliant talented comedy performers who once more are going to try and display their comic talent, their wit and their verbal ingenuity as they improvise on a subject I will give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And they are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Jenny Eclair. And seated on my left, Julian Clary and Gyles Brandreth. Please welcome all four of them! Seated beside me is Trudi Stevens, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the White Rock Theatre, in Hastings. And we are going to have a lot of fun as we start the show. And Paul it's I think your turn to begin. So the subject now is why television will never catch on. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

PAUL MERTON: John Logie Baird, one of the inventors of television, used to walk along the cliffs here at Hastings. He moved to this area to recover from tuberculosis and he enjoyed the sea air. He came up with this idea of television some time in the early 1920s...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GYLES BRANDRETH: I'm afraid he didn't come up with the idea. Paul was correct, it's deviation is what I'm challenging on, when he said he was one of the pioneers. I thought, how clever, he was. But then later he foolishly said he came up with this idea. The idea in fact I think was come up with by an American called Philo Farnworth as I recall.

NP: Gyles, put it in your next book! He did establish at the beginning that he was one of the pioneers.

GB: And then he deviated from the truth, having established the truth he went off it! But that's fine fine, if you don't want the truth, if it's that sort of programme, it doesn't matter! That's fine...

NP: No no there are occasions when...

GB: I mean the mission to explain is no longer part and parcel of the Radio Four remit. That's fine!

NP: Right, so I'll tell you what we'll do Gyles. Because the audience enjoyed your interruption, we'll give you a point for that.

GB: Oh.

NP: But Paul was interrupted so he gets the point, keeps the subject and he still has 47 seconds, why television will never catch on starting now.

PM: Who knows, we may come to see the end of television, now that we are able to pick up pictures on mobile phones. And somehow we've managed to bring this marvellous invintive... invintive?

BUZZ

PM: That's not a word!

NP: Julian you've challenged.

JULIAN CLARY: Sadly hesitation.

NP: Yes because we interpret that as hesitation. Right Julian, tell us something now about why television will never catch on, 37 seconds starting now.

JC: Television will never catch on because it's very boring compared to radio. And when you switch it on, there's lots of homosexuals prancing about on your screen. It's not my idea of a good night in! So I think radio is the way forward and I've repeated it...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny challenged.

JENNY ECLAIR: He said radio twice.

PM: Yes.

NP: You did say radio twice.

JC: I know.

NP: Jenny you got in on the subject of why television will never catch on, there are 24 seconds available starting now.

JE: May I beg to differ? Telly's caught on in my house, I love the thing! You know, last night I went to see something at the National Theatre, very good, cost 60 quid for two tickets. Came home, thought this is much cheaper, sat in front of the box watching Big Brother! Value for money if you ask me! I've got four tellies I'm very proud to say! When I wake up in the morning...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Oh I'm wrong, I thought it was repetition of telly, but it was telly and tellies, wasn't it?

NP: That's right, tellies.

JE: Singular and plural.

PM: Yes.

NP: So Jenny has another point for an incorrect challenge and four seconds on why television will never catch on starting now.

JE: I like to have different drinks with different television programmes...

BUZZ

NP: Oh yes oh!

JE: No!

NP: Paul you were first.

PM: Repetition of different.

NP: Different drinks with different television programmes.

PM: Yeah, same isn't it.

NP: Two seconds Paul, why television will never catch on starting now.

PM: If you turn on the television...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny challenged.

JE: Turn!

PM: It's sad watching a human being crumble in front of your eyes!

NP: So Paul you have one second on why television will never catch on starting now.

PM: Nineteen fifty-six was an extremely good year...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul was speaking then as the whistle went, with an extra point and others in the round he's now moved forward, just ahead of Gyles and Julian and Jenny. Julian oh what a lovely subject, misdemeanours. Tell us something about misdemeanours in this game starting now.

JC: When I was in Sydney I went to a gentleman's club and who should be the drag act but Miss Demeanours, along with Maude Boat? The thing that annoyed me about Miss Demeanours was that she was doing my act! She came out and she said...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: Repetition of act.

NP: Oh yes, when she went...

PM: She must have been desperate!

NP: You mentioned she was doing an act, and were doing my act.

JC: She was Australian.

PM: Yeah well!

NP: Gyles, a correct challenge, 48 seconds, tell us something about misdemeanours starting now.

GB: Thirty years ago I was on a committee set up to investigate the scourge of pornography in our society, and I still have the raincoat I bought at the time! We were a strange group, a bishop, an archbishop, a rabbi and Cliff Richard!

BUZZ

PM: That's got to be the beginning of a joke! They all go into a pub!

NP: No no, Jenny challenged then.

JE: I was wrong, I'd like to apologise to Gyles, I think bishop and archbishop are two different words.

GB: They are.

NP: They are.

JE: I do apologise Gyles.

NP: You don't need to apologise love, we love your keenness.

JE: Desperation is what it is actually.

NP: But all that happens is that Gyles gets a point for an incorrect challenge, 35 seconds, misdemeanours starting now.

GB: We went over to Copenhagen to reap the alien porn. And there in the capital of Denmark we found misdemeanours...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny's challenged.

JE: Again I'd like to apologise to Gyles, I came in too early. I thought he was deviating because I hadn't heard anything about misdemeanours really.

NP: I saw you shifted uncomfortably in your seat...

JE: I'm sorry.

NP: ... when he said that, yes.

JE: I thought he was going to tell us next.

NP: Well you'll hear because I know, I interviewed him shortly after that on another programme I did. But carry on...

PM: You did other programmes?

NP: You wicked so-and-so!

PM: Surely?

NP: Yes surely. Not only the ones you know about but some that were less known. It was called Look Who's Talking.

PM: Oh.

NP: And it was on Radio Four and we used to have a chat show about all kinds of things in the news and Gyles came on once to talk about this report which he'd done on his visit to Copenhagen. And he was very erudite and very amusing and quite explicit as well!

PM: So we won't challenge then?

NP: No, incorrect challenge, 30 seconds, misdemeanours starting now.

GB: Misdemeanours on that particular occasion adopted the costume of a milk maid and said that she would do for us anything that we wished. And she got out this extraordinary bucket and produced these false udders. This was the moment at which Nicholas became quite nervous, indeed began to perspire, and the slight toupee that he was wearing slipped forward in his head. And his neck began to flush in a most extraordinary way that I hadn't seen in a man of his years before...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Two extraordinarys.

GB: Oh!

NP: Two extraordinarys yes. I'm surprised nobody had him for the deviation of the toupee on my head because such a thing has never existed on my scalp.

GB: I didn't say it was on your head!

PM: Nicholas that surely is a wig! Nobody would have their hair cut like that!

NP: Come round and pull it!

GB: Oh!

NP: Julian you had a correct challenge, you have eight seconds, you have misdemeanours starting now.

JC: Come round here and pull this! When you think about it Just A Minute is really a game of misdemeanours. There must be no repetition, deviation or hesi...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julian was again speaking as the whistle went and with the points that he got then, and the others that Gyles got in that round, they've both moved forward. They're both equal in first place, one ahead of Paul Merton and then comes Jenny Eclair. And Jenny would you begin the next round, the subject now, breaking records, 60 seconds starting now.

JE: There are many ways to break records. You can be the fattest, thinnest, shortest, tallest, smallest...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: You can't be all of those things surely! You can't be the fattest, thinnest, tallest, shortest person that ever lived! I mean it's just...

JE: It's the variety of people that could end up in the Guinness Book Of Records.

PM: You didn't make that clear.

JE: I wasn't allowed to finish my sentence!

NP: Paul, Paul, we enjoyed your interruption.

PM: Did you?

NP: Though she didn't make it clear...

PM: No I didn't think she made it clear.

NP: ... but I understood.

PM: Did you?

NP: Yes I definitely understood. She meant that you don't have to be that all at the same time. There were individually different records that were going. So give Paul a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption, Jenny gets a point because she was interrupted...

JE: Yes!

NP: And she keeps the subject with 55 seconds to go Jenny, breaking records starting now.

JE: All these people may gain entry into the Guinness Book Of Records. How I adore looking at that Chinese lady with the long curly talons reaching the floor! What fun! Page 53, a bald dog, oh my goodness!

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: I collected the Guinness Book Of Records, the animal records always appeared at the back of the book.

NP: Did it?

JE: In my head I can see a picture of a bald dog on page 54. I would like someone now to bring out a Guinness Book Of Records and prove me wrong!

PM: Here we are! I've got one here! Page 54, picture of the moon rock.

GB: Exactly!

NP: We don't want to be too pedantic about these things. I don't think it matters really in this game whether it was the front or the back of the book! I'm going to be generous and give the benefit of the doubt to Jenny so Jenny you continue on bald records, no, breaking records, 36 seconds starting now.

JE: Personally I like breaking records by smashing vinyl. Do you remember on the circuit years ago there used to be a fellow called...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: It's very difficult to smash vinyl. You could smash the old 78s because they were made of shellack. But vinyl, you canít really smash it.

NP: You can't really smash vinyl.

JE: Do you remember that fellow called Woody Bockmudden. He used to nail records to a wooden post, then smash them with a hammer!

PM: They were...

JE: They do! I haven't made it all up!

PM: They weren't vinyl, they were 78s.

NP: No definitely, 78s you could smash.

PM: Yeah.

NP: And even 45s you could smash.

PM: Yeah.

NP: I gave the benefit of the doubt to you last time Jenny, so this time I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to Paul and he has a point for a correct challenge and he has 32 seconds, breaking records Paul starting now.

PM: When the Beatles first started their recording career back in 1962, they initially were seen as just a four piece band from Liverpool who may have had a couple of hit records and would shortly disappear. But the thing that Paul McCartney and John Lennon did as the chief songwriters for that group was to compose their own tunes. This hadn't been done before by a popular beat combo. They used to rely on professional songwriters who used to hang around Denmark Street in London and come up to you and say, "here, want a ballad?" And that was how it used to work. But those four most fore pop...

BUZZ

NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: Repetition of four sadly.

NP: There was.

PM: Foremost.

NP: Foremost and you got in with two seconds to go Julian.

JC: Did I?

NP: But it was a correct challenge, a point to Julian, two seconds, breaking records Julian starting now.

JC: I hold the saveloy for swallowing the most saveloys...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you did manage to challenge before the whistle. What was it?

PM: Yeah I, he meant to say I hold the record for eating the most saveloys, but said I hold the saveloy!

NP: Yes! You don't know...

PM: It's almost as though he's got a one track mind!

NP: Something was coming up from his unconscious there, wasn't it.

PM: Yeah exactly yeah.

JC: You don't know what I'm doing under the table.

PM: I know exactly what you're doing! It's who I don't know!

NP: Within the rules of Just A Minute you did mention saveloy twice. It is very interesting...

PM: Deviation.

JC: One was battered.

NP: I'll tell you what we'll do.

PM: What?

NP: We'll give you a point because it was a correct challenge Paul.

PM: Yeah.

NP: And leave the subject with Julian...

PM: Yeah.

NP: With half a second to go on breaking records starting now.

JC: I received my prize when I went to Buckingham...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julian was again speaking as the whistle went and with the points that he got then, he's in second place alongside Jenny Eclair, Gyles is one behind them, and Paul is out in the lead. And Gyles your turn to begin, and the subject we've got now is pulling rank. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

GB: Pulling rank is something that happens a great deal at the House of Commons where I was a member. In the dining room in fact the Conservative MPs sit at one end, and at the other you will find the Labour Members. And there, what happens of course, the Liberal Democrats, they wait at table...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Hesitation.

NP: Absolutely, he looked at me and he knows I'm a good Liberal Democrat so he... Hesitation, 46 seconds, Julian, pulling rank starting now.

JC: Pulling rank, there but for a small typographical error goes the story of my life! I don't know much about this subject! I'm not a competitive kind of person but I did notice...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: He's extremely competitive! Deviation.

JC: Give me an example of how competitive I am.

PM: Well the last time that you played this you came joint leader at the end of the programme.

JC: That's just an accident!

NP: I think there's an element of competitiveness within your nature, but I disagree with the challenge. And you keep the subject and you have 36 seconds on pulling rank starting now.

JC: Backstage before we came on for this old nonsense that we're doing for you this evening, Paul said to me "age before beauty". That's an example of pulling rank. I said "go on then, after you." And he hobbled down the corridor on to the stage, tripped over a bit of lino...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny challenged.

JE: Stage twice.

NP: Yes he did say stage twice, yeah. Yes.

JC: Very true.

NP: So Jenny you've got pulling rank and you've got 22 seconds starting now.

JE: It's very difficult to pull rank when one has no rank to pull. A funny thing happened to me the other day though. Driving through Chelsea, I had let someone go before me because he pulled rank. It was Hugh Grant. We were both driving cars in opposite directions, he had the posher car...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: We were both driving cars in the opposite directions.

JE: I'm trying, I'm doing a mime now. Like that! Like that!

PM: Radio! Radio! Radio! Where are the cameras? Deviation, you can both drive in single directions, you canít both be driving in different directions.

JE: I was heading towards the King's Road and he was heading away from the Kingís Road. Different directions, I'm suggesting.

NP: I think they were both driving in different directions.

JE: Yes!

PM: All right.

NP: The things is it's too late now, you could have had her for repetition of driving, you didn't.

PM: No I didn't, no.

JE: Or cars.

NP: Right, so Jenny you have the subject still, five seconds, pulling rank starting now.

JE: The famous...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of driving and car!

NP: No I did establish before she started again, you can't have that challenge now.

PM: Oh really?

NP: Yes I did.

PM: It got a laugh though, didn't it!

NP: It got a laugh! You get a point because you were interrupted, five seconds, pulling rank starting now.

JE: I pulled my automobile over to the side so that...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jenny Eclair got a lot of points in that round, she was pulling everything out and ah making it all work. And only one point separates all of them in different directions. Julian we'd like you to take the next round, one in the eye. I think the audience have got the reference immediately, very good subject for Hastings, will you talk on the subject Julian, 60 seconds starting now.

JC: One in the eye...

BUZZ

NP: Paul.

PM: That was hesitation.

NP: It was hesitation.

JC: Well I was just thanking God, I was saying a little prayer!

NP: Yes I mean I think one has to do it, because you did, it was one and a half seconds before you started, and normally people do begin more... so Paul I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute and say that was a correct challenge, so you have one in the eye and there are 58 and a half seconds starting now.

PM: King Harold woke up on the morning of the battle in 1066, and thought to himself you know I think my eyesight's getting better. And then he headed out towards the conflict and somebody said "what's that?" And he looked up and an arrow pierced the back of his retina. And from then on he was unable to wear a proper pair of glasses. One in the eye could also be used as a term where you say to somebody "ah I've got you one in the eye!" Now what exactly does that mean? Let me take you back to the early days of pugilism. When Nicholas Parsons was fighting in 1787, under the name of the Battling Wino, he was perhaps one of the finest boxers this country ever produced. Now to look at him you think to yourself, I wonder what happened to that deck chair because somebody there, there's a coat that has been cut out the back of it...

BUZZ

NP: So Julian you've challenged.

JC: Ah hesitation, sort of fell over his words, did he not?

GB: Well really!

NP: I don't think so, but after what he said...

GB: It's deviation.

NP: Deviation yes.

GB: It wasn't gallant either.

NP: My jacket didn't come from a deck chair.

PM: No.

GB: No no, Oxfam!

NP: Twenty-one seconds Julian, one in the eye starting now.

JC: As we've heard there was a bit of a ruck around these parts in 1066, somewhere near here. And some chap...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: Repetition of 1066.

NP: It doesn't matter, he hasn't said it in this round. He hasn't said it at all.

GB: I thought he said it earlier.

NP: No he didn't speak...

PM: No I said it earlier.

GB: Oh!

NP: He didn't speak. He started and he was challenged for hesitation.

GB: It was Paul, I heard Paul, I've lost another point, that's fine.

NP: You haven't lost a point. Gyles I know, you haven't lost a point...

GB: Julian's got a point, Julian, it's Julian's point.

NP: He's gained a point.

GB: That's right! That's lovely! It's great! It's perfect! I'm very very pleased, I'm...

NP: I think you should take your tablets before you come on this show.

GB: That's fine!

NP: Julian, 15 seconds, one in the eye starting now.

JC: Anyone got a stun gun? It was awful and apparently I've been hypnotised and I went back in time and I was at that battle. I was just a lowly soldier, didn't have a knife or a stick or anything, I had a broom. And I went at the enemy, don't know who they were like there was no tomorrow and I...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julian with points in the round and one for speaking as the whistle went has leapt forward. All very close. And Jenny it's back with you to begin and the subject now, a great subject for you, a bodice ripper. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

JE: A bodice ripper is one of those books where young wenches with milky breasts heaving get ravished every 10 minutes by sulky brutes, usually with scars on their faces. Catherine Cookson, she a local gal, used to write bodice rippers. Also they were called clog and shawl novellas. I don't read this sort of muck because I am an intellectual genius. Blue stockings...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: Deviation. She is not a blue stocking and how is she so familiar with this work if she doesn't read any of it? I've never known a more accurate and more vivid account of what appears in a bodice ripper than that given to us just now by Jenny! It was extraordinary! Brought the whole thing to life! There's an erotic charge in the theatre!

NP: I know but...

PM: It's eight pounds 50!

NP: ... you're challenging...

GB: Deviation, she just said she never reads these things, it's evident that she does!

NP: Ah!

PM: She might watch them on television.

GB: No no no!

JE: I'll tell you what I've done Gyles, okay you want the truth of this...

NP: Yes.

JE: I read for an old blind lady! That's what I do, and every week she asks me to go to the library and she says to me in her frail little voice, "Jenny could you get me a bodice ripper?" And I say "Enid..."

NP: Oh stop!

GB: No you're proving my point, you do read these things on a regular basis, once a week! As part of your commitment to charity.

JE: Yeah.

GB: It's excellent!

JE: So I think I deserve an extra point for that.

NP: No, you've got the subject and you have 29 seconds, a bodice ripper still with you Jenny starting now.

JE: I wish I had the sort of bosom that could rip fabric. Unfortunately I've got one of those mean British measly old womenís bosoms...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: This is truly deviation!

NP: You mean she's well upholstered?

GB: She has got beautiful breasts!

PM: Well there's only one way to find out!

JE: They're not going to rip fabric, let's face it Gyles!

NP: Definitely Gyles, you have the subject, a bodice ripper is with you, 22 seconds starting now.

GB: I'm totally against bodice rippers, sometimes known as sweet savagery. No it's revolting that one actually tries to take advantage of women within the pages of a book, describing them in these lurid and disgusting terms...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: A hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation as you stumbled over you word then Gyles. So Julian you tell us something about a bodice ripper, 11 seconds starting now.

JC: I've never read a bodice ripper, but I have read a trouser ripper...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of read, I haven't read but I have read.

NP: Read yes Paul, well listened and you have eight seconds, a bodice ripper starting now.

PM: If you could imagine the scene in Victorian London, the gas lights are playing merrily about in the street. And suddenly around the corner comes a horse and cart...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went. He's moved forward into the lead, alongside Jenny Eclair, but they're only one point ahead of Julian Clary and Gyles Brandreth in that order. And Gyles would you take the next round, start it I mean. Words borrowed from the French, tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

GB: I recall President George Bush saying that the problem with the French is that they have no word for entrepreneur. The English language is very much indebted to the French, because in fact like pas de deux meaning father of two, or even coup de gras, interpreted as mow the lawn. Esprit du corps I suppose could be an embalming fluid. It's extraordinary the range of vocabulary if one goes to that country across the Channel. I myself was educated at the Lycee Francais Du' Lor. And consequently having borrowed from the French I returned it because as the years had gone by, I began to forget the words that I used to know like banyee which of course comes from the French, means a small dance. Or even zigzag which also comes from the French language...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of comes from.

NP: Comes from.

GB: Yeah yeah well, that's fine, that's fine.

NP: It was so interesting.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A justified round of applause Gyles, but Paul had a correct challenge, 11 seconds, words borrowed from the French, Paul starting now.

PM: This is not the easiest subject for me to speak about because I didn't do French at school, I was unfortunately put in the metalwork class. But if we are to look at those magnificent neighbours of...

WHISTLE

NP: So I'll give you the situation as we move into the final round. Paul was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's now one ahead of Jenny who is one ahead of Julian who is one ahead of Gyles in that order.

GB: Oh well done everybody!

NP: That almost deserves a bonus point doesn't it. He's trailing a little, shall we give him an extra point? Give Gyles another point. Right Paul it's your turn to begin, the subject is if I had a time machine. Strange subject, 60 seconds starting now.

PM: If I had a time machine I would undoubtedly travel into the future. There is not much point going back into the past, we know what's happened. But indeed, the thing that is ahead of us, what will it be like in the year 2099. Will Just A Minute still be on the air? Probably it will be somewhere or other broadcasting this magnificent building where we are now, and that transmission will be heard on the World Service and also on the Internet and everywhere else. If I was to travel into...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation there Paul yes.

JC: Sadly.

NP: He was wondering where he should go next.

PM: Yeah.

NP: Right, 32...

PM: I didn't really go very far, did I really.

NP: You travelled, I thought you were going to say your usual thing and Nicholas Parsons will still be doing it in 2099.

PM: Oh no!

NP: Thirty-two seconds available Julian, if I had a time machine starting now.

JC: If I had a time machine, I'd travel back to when this theatre was last decorated and had a word with the man who chose the curtain material. What was he thinking of? It's an outrage! I'll describe it for the listeners, they're kind of grey with red splodges. And the carpet is another matter. I suspect this was done in the 60s and marijuana was involved, if you know what Iím saying. Around these parts, it may have come on a little ship across the water, bobbing into the bay, and the architect, which I've already said once and no-one's done anything about it...

BUZZ

GB: Could I have a word?

NP: Yes.

GB: On behalf of the Hastings Tourism Board.

JC: Oh yes? Carry on then.

NP: Are you getting paid by them?

GB: Well no, it's a beautiful theatre, it's exquisite!

JC: I was talking about the curtains!

NP: That won't get you any points in Just A Minute. What is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

GB: I have no challenge! I have no challenge! I'm just on the side of the losers here, the poor saps who have to come to this theatre, week in, week out! And this appalling decor that has just been so vividly described! No...

NP: You've been listening yourself...

GB: Hesitation!

NP: No there wasn't, he repeated something.

GB: Yes he did, he repeated something.

NP: Gyles you've been so sharp all the way through but you missed that. He actually said what he repeated.

GB: Yes he did.

NP: But you didn't challenge him.

GB: Yeah but I am going to be last in this programme if it kills me. And I am at the moment tied bottom so he needs another point!

PM: You've got a tied bottom?

NP: Right Julian, you... incorrect challenge so you have, you have three seconds on if I had a time machine starting now.

JC: If I had a time machine, I'd travel into the future and find that this theatre was absolutely magnificent...

WHISTLE

NP: Well let me give you the final score. On this occasion Gyles finished just in third place, only just.

GB: Is that bottom then?

NP: Yeah but it's not really bottom.

GB: Oh?

NP: I mean it was a magnificent and brilliant third place.

GB: Oh the last shall be first, I see.

NP: And Jenny was in a superb second place! But she was only two points behind Paul Merton and Julian Clary, equal together in first place so we say they are the winners jointly this week. Thank you, we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. And it only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful and excellent players of the game, Paul Merton, Jenny Eclair, Gyles Brandreth and Julian Clary. I thank Trudi Stevens, who has helped me with the score, she has blown her whistle with great aplomb. We thank our producer Tilusha Ghelani. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are grateful to this lovely audience here in Hastings at the White Rock Theatre who have cheered us on our way magnificently. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and the panel, good-bye, tune in listeners the next time we play Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC