WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring GYLES BRANDRETH, LIZA GODDARD, RICHARD MORTON and KEN BRUCE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (TV, 14 May 1999)
NOTE: Ken Bruce's last appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, this unusual, enjoyable and often challenging game in which I invite four guests to speak on a subject that I give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Let me now introduce the four talented performers who are going to participate today. First of all we welcome the charming and delightful actress Liza Goddard. And beside her from the hallowed studios of Radio Two, Ken Bruce. And on my left that funny man, Richard Morton. And beside him once the former Commissioner to John Major, Gyles Brandreth. Please welcome all four of them. And they will compete in this game, score points at each others expense as we talk on the subjects that I give them. And we begin the show today with Liza Goddard. Liza the subject is flat feet. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
LIZA GODDARD: Flat feet is a condition of the foot where the instep is lower than normal so when standing or walking the whole sole is on the floor. You can't join the Army if you have flat feet. I luckily don't suffer from flat feet myself. But my Great Aunt Gracie had them appallingly. She could find no succour until she went to Australia, land of sun and sea and flies. And she saw a podiatrist who put her flat feet on a piece of paper, drew round them with an HB pencil, and made special shoes with little thingies in them to um...
GYLES BRANDRETH: Ohhhh, she was going so well!
NP: You were going so well!
GB: Going so well!
NP: Very enjoyable, and 33 seconds, but Gyles Brandreth...
NP: You Gyles challenged first.
GB: Yes a bit of hesitation I fear.
NP: Yes she deserved it after all that! So, Gyles Brandreth has a correct challenge, so he gets a point for his correct challenge, he takes over the subject. There are 27 seconds available to you Gyles, flat feet, starting now.
GB: Flat feet is a wellknown tongue twister like bad blood or yellow leather or the really difficult one, that was the chair Schmidt sat in when he was shot. Flat feet is not something that I regularly like to say but I do practice it because it improves the perfection of my plosyps, and for me diction is all important. You'll find if you utter flat feet as a phrase, your posture improves, you feel your back...
NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes in this game gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Gyles Brandreth. So Gyles, well done, you're in the lead at the end of that round. And let's go on to the next round. Ken Bruce, here's a lovely subject for you, gentleman's relish. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.
KEN BRUCE: Many's the time I have been walking along the sea front at Frinton and thinking I should have gone before I came out. And the relish with which I see a Gentlemans is beyond description! The other Gentleman's Relish is of course the stuff that one could put on Coq M'sur or toasted cheese. It's a kind of condiment, spices are involved. There's also a measure of vinegar, and I don't know what else is in it...
NP: Liza you challenged.
LG: I think he ran out of steam!
KB: I think I did.
NP: I think he was running out of steam. I don't think he actually paused at that point. I was rather enjoying it actually, I thought he was going rather well. No, gentlemans relish, I'd like to hear more about your gentleman's relish, I consider that an incorrect challenge, a point to you Ken, keep the subject and 36 seconds available, starting now.
KB: It's the sort of thing that's served in gentleman's clubs, you know the places, there along Pall Mall in London and in the St James' District. And the old buffers who go along there like nursery food. They like two veg with their meat and they like gentleman's relish on...
NP: Ah Liza?
LG: They like a lot. They like, they like, they like.
NP: There was too much like there, yes they did like. So Liza you got in there with a definitely correct challenge, 20 seconds for you now, tell us something about... By the way I must say they can repeat the phrase or words on the card if they wish. So you have 20 seconds starting now.
LG: My great uncle Tatton was a gentleman. And his relish was a charming showgirl whom he put up in a flat near Lords so he could visit her and see cricket at the same time. His idea...
GB: Lourdes is a place where miracles take place!
NP: Liza tell us more about gentleman's relish in nine seconds starting now.
LG: The flat overlooked the cricket ground before they built that new...
NP: Ah Ken Bruce?
KB: Repetition of cricket.
NP: You did mention cricket before, yes, well listened Ken, because they mustn't repeat words they've used before when they're talking. Five seconds available for gentleman's relish starting now.
KB: I could live on gentleman's relish for the rest of my life! It is delicious!
NP: Well done. So Ken Bruce was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, and Ken Bruce is now in the lead, just one point ahead of Gyles Brandreth and Liza Goddard. And Richard Morton, it's your turn to begin.
RICHARD MORTON: Okay.
NP: Lovely to hear from you.
RM: Thank you.
NP: The subject...
RM: I'm trying to speak like an actor now, I don't have proper pronunciation or diction or stentorian delivery! So I just... all right!
NP: And the subject, surprisingly is fakes.
RM: Oh great!
NP: So you can fake it and talk like a theatrical actor if you want...
RM: Okay luvie! Fire away! What's my motivation? Fakes?
NP: And you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.
RM: Women are generally regarded as the past masters or mistresses, and I use the name advisedly in the art of falsehood, especially when it comes to fooling men. They can use wigs, eye lashes, different contact lenses, nails, teeth, even silicon implants in parts of their bodies which men have no idea about...
NP: Ken why have you challenged?
KB: Repetition of men.
RM: It was men.
NP: Yes there was too much men...
GB: It's also a slur on half the population of the world!
NP: Why did you look at Gyles when you were talking about mistresses?
RM: It's the silicon implant!
NP: Ken, a correct challenge, you get a point for that, 42 seconds available, fakes, starting now.
KB: Tom Keating was of course the great producer of fakes. He was an artist who produced...
NP: No, no, it wasn't, producer and produced...
NP: So an incorrect challenge, Ken, you get another point, you keep the subject, 37 seconds, fakes, starting now.
KB: Copies of original masters in the artistic world. And he took in the establishment of that ether, that's not quite the correct word...
GB: I thought there was hesitation.
NP: There was hesitation because he thought he'd got the wrong word, and there are 26 seconds for you to tell us something about fakes Gyles starting now.
GB: When we get up tomorrow morning we may well be able to do without our tragic awareness for an hour or two, but we shall desperately need our sense of the comic, said my father on discovering that the Vincent Van Gogh in the drawing room was actually be me! He had been fooled all these years. I said, it's a touch and Gaugin effort at impressionism. He said I'll clip your ear off for that! He was furious at my attempt at fakery...
NP: Gyles Brandreth with his fakes kept going till the whistle, gained that extra point. He's moved forward but he's only one point behind Ken Bruce who's still our leader. And it's Gyles Brandreth's turn to begin, the subject for you Gyles is Charlie Chaplin. Tell us something about that genius in this game starting now.
GB: Well the first thing to be said about Charlie Chaplin is that he wasn't funny, as far as I am concerned. I do know a great deal...
NP: Oh you challenged?
LG: I completely agree with him!
NP: So do you...
KB: So do I!
NP: No, no, you can't say that! I mean I would have him for deviation.
GB: It was a personal opinion, I was going to explain why for me he isn't funny!
NP: I know, and nobody's given me a correct challenge so you keep the subject. So, I don't think you deserve it after what you said, because I think he was a genius as I said earlier on. There are very few comic geniuses but Charlie Chaplin was one of them. Gyles Brandreth, continue on the subject and theer are 54 seconds starting now.
GB: Nicholas Parsons is not going to like this, but I have to tell you that when he first arrived in Hollywood during the Second... First World War...
RM: A little bit of hesitation there.
GB: Well yes....
NP: You got your wars muddled.
GB: I got my... I was looking at Nicholas and of course thought of the First World War.
NP: I think this audience is rotten. If they insult me, you not only laugh, you also clap! There's no justice, therefore Gyles you have lost it this time. It shows you how fair I am. I gave it to you before even though I disagreed, but this time, First World War, correct, repetition. Ah 46 seconds, Charlie Chaplin with you Richard starting now.
RM: Charlie Chaplin is of course one of the greats of the silent era, one of his finest jokes being... (mimes someone talking)
RM: I just wanted to do that!
NP: Liza you challenged!
LG: It was fabulous!
NP: It was worth it for the gag, wasn't it!
NP: Liza challenged first so hesitation we call that. Liza you've got Charlie Chaplin, you have 39 seconds starting now.
LG: I have to totally agree with Gyles Brandreth, I have never found Charlie Chaplin funny. Buster Keaton, yes, Harold Lloyd, indeed, but Charlie Chaplin leaves me cold...
LG: I couldn't say...
GB: I can't bear the thought of Liza Goddard being left cold!
NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged then and got a correct one and gets the subject back and there are 27 seconds on Charlie Chaplin Gyles starting now.
GB: I'm sorry to report that in the autumn of 1917 when Charlie Chaplin was in Los Angeles, he took an interest in young, indeed pre-pubescent girls. This is a fact, though unpleasant. Indeed he attacked, assaulted a 15-year-old, a 16-year-old, and indeed he married a 17-year-old and left her on the year in which she gave birth...
NP: You're challenged, who's challenged first, you did.
LG: A lot of year-olds.
NP: Yes, a lot of year-olds.
GB: But it's interesting, wasn't it!
LG: Very very interesting.
NP: It was...
GB: And shocking!
GB: And how can people laugh at this man when you think what he did!
RM: And also 15, 16, 17 aren't pre-pubescent where I live! I can tell you that much!
LG: Where would that be?
RM: You've got to get out more Gyles, you've got to get out more!
GB: Oh actually 15-year-old is a hyphenated word, 16-year-old is a hyphenated word, they are different words. Different words.
NP: But you repeated...
GB: Was it she who challenged me?
NP: She challenged you, yes...
GB: It's only part of the word that was repetition.
NP: No, you said 16-year-old, 15-year old...
GB: 16-dash-year-old, it's one word, 16-year-old, 15-year-old, 17-year-old...
NP: But you said year-old. Oh, one word... Oh you do try hard, don't you! Liza, correct challenge, so you have seven seconds on Charlie Chaplin starting now.
LG: Charlie Chaplin is a restaurant near where I live. They serve mussels and crab and soup...
NP: Liza Goddard was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and she has now moved forward, equal with Ken Bruce who's one point together behind Gyles Brandreth our leader. And Liza it's back with you to begin. The subject, sirens, can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.
LG: The three sirens were the daughters of Mother Earth and they lured sailors to their death with their sweet song, promising them full knowledge of all future happenings. A dec...
RM: A little bit of hesittaion there.
LG: Yes there was, I got over-excited.
NP: Tell us something about sirens, 50 seconds, starting now.
RM: Sirens are the most irritating,annoying thing I can think of. When lying in bed and somebody's car goes off or a factory...
NP: Ken challenged.
KB: A bit of hesitation.
NP: A bit of hesitation.
KB: The merest, the merest...
RM: Well, the car was going off! I thought it was mine for a second! Oh all right!
NP: Ken, correct challenge, 42 seconds, sirens starting now.
KB: During the First World War when Charlie Chaplin was in Los Angeles and Nicholas Parsons was there as well, sirens were constantly going off, owing to air raids. This happened in the second unpleasantness as well. And how awful it was for a boy like myself growing up in the 50s to hear these sirens moaning mourn...
NP: Why have you challenged Liza?
LG: Because the war was over by the 50s!
NP: It was over by the 50s, but he was talking about growing up in the 50s...
GB: Not in parts of Glasgow!
RM: Yeah I was just going to say!
NP: I disagree with your challenge, it was a good attempt, but we're still with you ken, on sirens and there are 22 seconds available starting now.
KB: Our local one was at the top of the police station and every time it went off, our little dog used to yap and bark and yelp excitedly because he didn't have much of a life! And I used to...
RM: A bit of hesitation there.
NP: A bit of hesitation, enough to say yes you have the subject Richard and 10 seconds to tell us something about sirens starting now.
RM: One wonders about the little dog in the Bruce household as the sirens were going off, and they were drinking whisky as hard as they could possibly could. Trying to keep the poor beast quiet, as it yelped and howled and pleaded...
NP: So Richard Morton kept going till the whistle went, almost interrupted at the last second but just made it. And at the end of that round, he has leapt forward but he's still in fourth place. But he's only one point behind Liza Goddard, who's only one point behind Gyles Brandreth, who's only one point behind Ken Bruce in that order. And that's the state of play as Ken Bruce begins the next round. Oh Ken, I should think you are going to love this subject, malt whisky! Yes! Yes, the audience loved it as well! Look they were panting, they've got their mouths open! Tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.
KB: I cannot understand people who when they are offered a drink after a meal, opt for brandy, when malt whisky is available. It is nectar, the water of life. Bush kabar in the original Gaelic. The Spay Valley is one of the best places to buy malt whisky. The beautiful fluids of the river in that particular area supply the basis for the malt whisky. Another good area for them is...
NP: You challenged Gyles?
GB: We had area twice.
NP: We had area twice. Yes. We were all agog, at the happy man you were!
NP: And you kept going for 37 seconds! Well done Ken!
KB: Can I have a drink of whisky now please?
NP: Gyles you got in on malt whisky and there are 20... 33 seconds available starting now.
GB: What does Her Majesty the Queen do when she drinks too much malt whisky? She burps...
NP: Ken why have you challenged?
KB: This is les majeste! Her Majesty the Queen doesn't drink whisky like Gyles Brandreth does, the bottle to his lips!
GB: Of course she doesn't!
NP: He may well have been going to say that., but he didn't exactly establish that picture, Ken. I know... I think you were defending her, quite rightly...
KB: Of course I was!
NP: Absolutely! And I respect that. But I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute and he had not deviated. So you are able to keep going Gyles. Don't go too far, you might be in the Tower of London. But you have another 26 seconds to continue starting now.
GB: When the Monarch consumes too freely and belches, she then issues a Royal Pardon! There is no question of any les majeste or offence being given! But I have to tell you it is a warning to us all not to tipple too much. Because when you do, you behave in an unfortunate way. Viz to illustrate, here is Ken Bruce. Look at the man now! What a grotesque sight it is! This is the effect of malt whisky on a nice man...
NP: Gyles Brandreth speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, has increased his lead at the end of the round. And Richard Morton...
NP: Your turn to begin. Richard, I don't know why Ian Messiter who thinks of these things has got this one for you, but it's being a good loser.
RM: Oh thanks! Thanks a lot!
NP: Well somebody had to begin with it. But the thing is you have to talk about it. Talk on the subject of being a good loser for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
RM: Being a good loser is something I have to take into account every night of my professional life as a stand-up comedian. As I often walk out on stage and are assailed by heckles from the audience such as "oh look! It's John Inman's stunt double!" "Hey there must be Billy Idol's dad!" and "Wow! Max Headroom and Annie Lennox have had a love child!" These are the kinds of remarks and insults I have to take into my stride whilst trying to do jokes, and of course, accepting my worthy adversaries as being funnier and more amusing than me, while keeping a big smile on my face and really hating their guts for doing it frankly! In the meantime I do try and keep a sense of fair play as I think a British person really should do. Because most of us think that is the main thing in life, not to win, simply to play. Simply to be a part of the game. And I think I'm still talking, and you're all looking, what's that for, has the bell gone? Oh no, it mustn't have done so hahah! I will carry on with my witty and erudite tirade about the heckling world just to see the look on your faces when I...
NP: Well there's one thing about being a good loser, but there's another thing about being a good winner! So...
RM: You just let me win there!
NP: No, no, no, I think they enjoyed it so much, they let you go. But you did it with style, you did it with penuche. And though you... I think they were generous, but at the same time, we loved it! He went for the full 60 seconds, so he not only gets a point for speaking when the whistle went, he gets a bonus point for not being interrupted. So you're now equal, no, you've now gone ahead of Liza Goddard, and you're only one behind Ken Bruce, and only two behind our leader Gyles Brandreth. And whose turn is it to begin? I think it's Gyles' turn, isn't it? Yes it is! Oh yes that's a lovely subject, marmalade! Marmalade! You've got a sort of marmalade type shirt on! But would you talk on the subject of marmalade, Gyles, starting now.
GB: In fact one can make marmalade out of quite extraordinary things. At home we do have a blender, and into the Murinex we put all of the family's dead hamsters! Mix up the material here, and then spread the residue, the hamster marmalade on the...
NP: Yes, Liza?
LG: But repetition of hamster.
NP: You mentioned hamster before.
GB: Oh you're right!
NP: I'm pleased you did because I don't want to hear anything about more about the poor little, beautiful little beasties, those hamsters, they're lovely in their little cages going round and round, fluffy and cuddly. And all of the children at home now today, will be so upset with what you said! I'm overcome! No, I couldn't care less actually! Liza I give you your challenge. Marmalade is with you and there are 44 seconds available starting now.
LG: Marmalade was invented by the hand maidens of Mary Queen of Scots who wanted to cheer her up. So they made some orange jam and called it Mary-a-mallard! My great aunt Alice always makes her marmalade on January the second. Buys several oranges, only the best, straight over from Spain, cuts them up really fine, puts them in a pan with sugar, stirs for hours and...
NP: Who's challenged?
GB: I challenged.
GB: Well, a whole range of reasons. Quite frankly I was mesmerised by her. I pressed the button long after she'd made that assertion that Saville oranges were the best, obviously they're not.
NP: They are the best for marmalade.
LG: The best for marmalade!
GB: No, Isle of Wight oranges! Buy British! You of all people, Nicholas! Advocating Saville oranges!
NP: They are in the European Union you know. But an incorrect challenge, Gyles, well tried...
GB: Thank you!
NP: I know you were mesmerised...
GB: I am!
NP: ... by Liza Goddard when she was doing that. But 19 seconds still available for you on your marmalade starting now.
LG: You have to wait until the jelly has set. Take it out, put it in a saucer... (gestures with her hands)
LG: Do that!
GB: She can do that to me any time! Gorgeous! She is gorgeous!
RM: Charlie Chaplin, silent movies again!
NP: Correct challenge, you were the first and hesitation. There are 13 seconds, marmalade, starting now.
GB: Marmalade is made in a different way in each of the countries of the European Union. Whether you go to the United Kingdom, France, Finland, Belgium, Italy, Germany, Greece, Luxembourg, Eire, Spain...
NP: Richard you challenged.
RM: Are Finland in?
GB: Yes! There are 15 members.
RM: Okay, fair point.
GB: Where had I got to? I mustn't repeat must I?
RM: Also it was getting a bit listy, it was getting a bit listy!
NP: You can list, you can list, it's quite difficult to list actually and not put ors in as he did.
RM: You went right round Europe!
GB: Indeed! Looking for Saville oranges!
RM: You were! He was on a jam trawl!
NP: Three seconds, Gyles, on marmalade starting now.
GB: My kind of marmalade...
NP: Richard challenged.
RM: I thought he hesitated, just for a second there! You agree, don't you! He went (opens his mouth, miming speech)
NP: I think the audience would like you to have it actually. Wouldn't you?
RM: So would Gyles and Liza!
GB: Oh! Oh it's so unfair!
NP: Well you are in the lead...
GB: Am I in the lead? I don't want to be in the lead!
NP: You could be in the lead, you're in a strong lead and you can be generous, because the audience would like to hear a little bit on marmalade because everybody else has spoken about it. So give us three minutes... three seconds...
RM: So give us five and a half hours on!
NP: Actually there's only one second available! Marmalade with you starting now!
RM: Marmalade were a 60s band!
NP: Well with the chairman's help, Richard Morton spoke as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, and he's now in second place behind Gyles Brandreth and the other two are just one point behind him. And Liza Goddard it's your turn to begin. The subject is good manners. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
LG: Evelyn Waugh said good manners were the necessity of the plain because the pretty can get away with anything.
GB: You're telling me! Carry on, I'm just enjoying watching!
LG: Oh dear!
NP: Gyles has got a bonus point but Liza gets a point for being interrupted...
LG: Thank you!
NP: And she keeps the subject of good manners and there are 54 seconds starting now.
LG: Manners maketh man! Good manners in the old days consisted of the man walking on the outside...
NP: Ken Bruce challenged.
KB: Repetition of man.
LG: Quite right.
NP: You had too much man there. Right, 48 seconds for you Ken to tell us something about good manners starting now.
KB: I am the very epitome of good manners. Place me at a table, I won't drink the finger bowl, I will not eat peas off my knife. I am a very perfect guest at any dinner party. If you were to take me into the Pouses er...
RM: I want you to take me into the Pouses!
RM: A bit of hesitation.
NP: What were you trying to say?
KB: I was going to say Houses of Parliament!
NP: Houses of Parliament! Well a man who was recently in the Houses of Parliament as an MP has actually challenged you and got a correct challenge. And there are 31 seconds...
RM: No, I challenged.
GB: Yes I know but I pressed the button first!
NP: First light to come on is the one who gets it Richard. I have to be fair within the rules...
NP: So Gyles tell us something about good manners in 31 seconds starting now.
GB: I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
They do taste kind of funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.
That's the basic rules as far as table etiquette is concerned. Knowing how to behave correctly is enormously important if one wants to be successful in this life. And this is advice I'm passing on to Richard here whose dress sense perhaps does not actually epitomise the best of good manners...
NP: Right! Richard you challenged.
RM: Right! Just shut him up!
GB: You're right! It was a slur!
RM: A slur on my dress sense!
NP: To some people you are the most elegantly dressed person here today.
GB: You are!
NP: To others like Gyles who comes in his shirt sleeves, I mean, it's a slightly different attitude.
GB: I think it's enlightening to come as a seed packet! It's funnier!
RM: Was that a plant?
NP: I think you're, you're... yes, your sartorial sense is to be commended!
RM: He said this too many times.
GB: Yeah I did.
RM: It was all thises. This, this, this.
NP: I can't give you a bonus point as well Richard. But you've got the subject...
NP: ... of good manners and there are seven seconds to go starting now.
RM: During the World Cup the Brazil manager said it was okay for his team to have sex during the competition. When I was a lad they just used to shake hands if they scored...
NP: Richard Morton speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point and he's moved forward. He's only three behind our leader Gyles Brandreth, the other two are trailing behind him and we've got time for another round. Ken Bruce it's your turn, half term. A subject that's affected every parent. Talk about the subject, 60 seconds starting now.
KB: Is this not just the finest part of the year? When the little darlings come home and you sit there thinking "oh wonderful, the children are here to spend their time with me" and six hours later you want them back at school! You're taking them to the shops, you're playing football with them, you're... somebody...
NP: Gyles you challenged?
GB: I'm questioning Ken's parenting skills!
NP: But he also hesitated which I'm sure is your correct challenge, 41 seconds Gyles starting now.
GB: Nowadays prison reform has gone so far that most convicts are out at half term. Very few of them actually do even a few days in there. And when they are in prison, it's like being on a school outing. This perhaps is a prejudiced view but it is my view. As far as I'm concerned...
NP: Ah Ken you challenged.
NP: There were two views there. You repeated it. And Ken you got in with 23 seconds to tell us more about half term starting now.
KB: This year I'm taking the children to Pentonville Prison and hope they have a wonderful time with all the merry games you can have out there in the cells! Slopping out, eating the...
NP: So hesitation there, and Liza you got in first. And there are 12 seconds on half term starting now.
LG: Half term is very difficult for mothers. The children are home all day, legs all over the place, teenagers music coming from every quarter of the house, food, shopping, washing, what's for breakfast, lunch...
NP: So Liza Goddard speaking as the whistle went not only brought that round to a close but also brought the show to a close. And also got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went and the final situation was that Liza Goddard, Ken Bruce and Richard Morton were all equal in second place. A few points ahead of them was Gyles Brandreth, so today we say Gyles, you're the winner! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, it only remains for me to say on behalf of Liza Goddard, Ken Bruce, Richard Morton, Gyles Brandreth and myself, goodbye. We hope you've enjoyed it. Be with us the next time we play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us, goodbye.