JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 September 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome back as our guest into the fourth chair, Aimi Macdonald to join our three regular competitors of the game. And I'm going to ask them all to speak as usual if they can for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. We'll start the show with Derek Nimmo. And the subject Derek is standing up for my rights. Would you talk to us about that for just one minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Yes I really do believe in standing up for one's rights. Although I have found myself that it tends to be rather expensive. Some few months ago I decided to stand up for my rights over the question of refuse disposal in the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea where I live, because the streets there make the back streets look like...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of streets.

NP: Yes. That is correct Clement, so you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course, and you take over the subject. There are 40 seconds left for standing up for my rights starting now.

CF: I don't terribly often stand up for my rights though I do intend to for my last! But of all the notable occasions of people doing this, Derek Nimmo in the Royal Borough of Kensington, for sheer...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Isn't that repetition because h has already said the Royal Borough of Kensington?

NP: No no, it's not repetition, he can say the Royal Borough of Kensington.

AM: Oh I'm sorry.

CF: Or you can say it if you like.

NP: Or you can say the Royal Borough of Kensington. It was a wrong challenge I'm afraid, Clement gets a point for a wrong challenge, he keeps the subject, 21 seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: The aforesaid actor, dustbin in one hand, unpaid rates certificate in the other...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, it wasn't a dustbin.

NP: I don't mind what it was, he was keeping going...

DN: No, but no, he was talking about me...

CF: No...

DN: ... and I had unpaid rates in one hand and a Harrods bag in the other. I always carry a Harrods bag as you know, inevitably.

NP: He was to my mind establishing the fact whether it was accurate or not, that you had a dustbin in one hand. Whether you did, this is the way he saw it. So he's not strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card so he keeps the subject, 15 seconds left starting now.

CF: Waving that Harrods bag...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He's admitted it wasn't a dustbin! Deviation!

NP: I think we give it to you this time Derek. You have a point for that, there are 12 seconds for the subject starting now.

DN: Well I had collected bits of paper from the street outside where I live and I tore that on to the...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of street.

NP: Yes. And so Peter you have a correct challenge and there are seven seconds for you now to talk on standing up for my rights starting now.

PJ: Well it's extremely important to give a great deal of thought to this, not necessarily about one’s dustbin and the disposal...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle that Ian Messiter blows for us tells us that 60 seconds is up. And as you know whoever speaks at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones so on this occasion he is in second place, behind Clement Freud who has the lead at the end of the round. Clement your turn to begin and the subject is the man who called on me last night. That's a nice sort of bizarre subject isn't it, or you can make it so if you wish. There are 60 seconds for you to do with the subject as you wish starting now.

CF: It was you will recall a dark and ugly night. And the man who called with a rates certificate in his left hand said I believe you are an acquaintance of one Derek Nimmo, actor of the Royal Borough of Kensington, who is refusing to pay the rightful sums of money which we have demanded in quarterly instalments. I said...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Ah deviation, I pay them twice a year.

CF: No, this is what he said.

NP: But actually most boroughs demand them every six weeks so it would have been devious on any account.

CF: That's quite untrue. They all demand them annually but allow you to pay them in six-monthly intervals.

NP: All right so you keep the subject, there are 35 seconds on the man who called on me last night starting now.

CF: He climbed in through the window, emptied...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well if he knocked at the door, why did he climb in through the window?

NP: If you were to follow Clement Freud's reasoning, he'd say ah yes, but you see...

DN: I know!

NP: ... this is the way you carry on, the rates come in. I'm going to give it to you this time Derek, to hell with it. There are 31 seconds for the man who called on me last night starting now.

DN: The man who called on me last night was a morris dancer covered in all kinds of lovely rhythms and little bells in his hat and flowers round his ankles, and he was awfully jolly. And he sang songs and played a small guitar out in the garden while pussy cat sat on the wall and went meow, because they do, because they don’t, they're very keen you know, on that particular kind of chap who comes around and plays the aforementioned musical instrument. And then the funniest thing happened...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: The musical instruments that he aforementioned. He must have aforementioned them, otherwise he wouldn't have said so.

NP: But he didn't specify the musical instruments before you see. He didn't repeat the words so he keeps the subject. There are six seconds left, the man who called...

PJ: Have you had any ear tests lately?

NP: ... last night starting now.

DN: He said can I have a plate of tripe and eat it? I said of course sir, as you were so kind to visit me on this lovely night, I'd be delighted to give you anything...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained a number of points in that round, he's moved into the lead alongside Clement Freud. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is the inescapable truth. Can you talk to us on that subject starting now.

PJ: Well I suppose the inescapable truth is that we're not going to be here forever. And so ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, listeners, viewers, and licensees, holders of television sets, radios and so on, I'm now addressing you with this rather solemn thought in mind, that everything...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Well I definitely think it's hesitation because he keeps, you know...

PJ: Stopping you mean.

AM: He is... talking... like... that... all the time.

NP: I thought he was doing it rather well actually Aimi. He didn't really pause and there was a silence you know. That is hesitation. He was keeping going even if he was giving us a sort of jerky delivery. It is probably hs way...

AM: I don't do that darling!

NP: No you jerk in different ways and it's very attractive. Um Peter you have the subject still and there are 40 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Ask Aimi! Well he was going to ask when Aimi gave, last gave a jerky delivery...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

PJ: But he didn't, he funked it!

DN: Repetition, gave, last gave.

NP: Oh yes you did give a bit too much there Peter. So Derek you were listening well, you've got 36 seconds for the inescapable truth starting now.

DN: I face the inescapable truth every morning when I get up and I look in my shaving mirror, and I see myself, a middle-aged Anglo-Saxon, rapidly fading, getting a little bit paunchy, rather jowly, with grey hair...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Oh deviation, it's just not true, is it?

NP: Absolutely!

DN: Oh Aimi!

NP: For such a gallant challenge as that, I can only award you a point Aimi.

PJ: And if he can actually see his paunch in his shaving mirror... then he must be a contortionist!

NP: Aimi you have the subject now with 24 seconds left Aimi, the inescapable truth starting now.

AM: Ah well I don't think, you see, that Derek Nimmo was telling the inescapable truth, when he told us about the morris dancer in the garden, eating tripe. I think...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

AM: I was breathing, darling, I mean a girl has to breathe.

NP: Oh you breathe very beautifully. Don't you think she breathes so beautifully. So Aimi we will not allow that one, give you a point for a wrong challenge and 14 seconds on the inescapable truth starting now.

AM: The inescapable truth is I have got to sit here, imagine this, confronted with Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo, who are all absolutely and totally brilliant. And I have got to keep...

WHISTLE

NP: So Aimi Macdonald speaking when the whistle went gained an extra point, and she is now in second place behind Derek Nimmo. She is one behind him and she, no, she's equal with Clement Freud. Peter Jones is in fourth place. Aimi, your turn to begin, the subject is mountaineering. I'm sure you’ve done a great deal of it so would you tell us something about it if you can starting now.

AM: Right, well I actually did do some mountaineering once upon a time. Mind you I wasn't expecting to do this. I was told we were going for a walk and suddenly you see we came upon this mountain and I did go up the mountain but unfortunately...

BUZZ

AM: But I'm not repeating myself darling, because I'm saying mountain.

NP: You mustn't repeat another word, but only the word on the card. Derek there are 43 seconds for mountaineering starting now.

DN: Oh my goodness, the fear, the excitement of mountaineering. The palms of my hands go moist when I even think about it. Only a few weeks...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, he's not going up the mountain on his hands is he?

NP: No but he says when he thinks about it, his hands go moist!

CF: No no! Very good challenge!

NP: There are 35 seconds Aimi for mountaineering starting now.

AM: You see, I wish I had been told about this, because I was wearing the wrong shoes and I don't know if you know how important it is to wear the right sort of attire on one's feet. But I was wearing what is commonly known...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of wearing.

NP: Yes, having got round the attire on the feet, you went back to wearing, sorry. Mountaineering is with you Clement, there are 21 seconds left starting now.

CF: Mountaineering, as Aimi Macdonald so rightly said, is going for a walk up a mountain. And yet...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Mountaineering is going for a climb up a mountain, it's not going for a walk up a mountain.

NP: That's a good challenge yeah, I think that is a good one so...

CF: You really think that is a good one?

NP: I do think so, yes.

PJ: No I don’t think it's a good one Clement.

AM: Well I disagree.

PJ: No. Oh no I think it's a rotten challenge.

NP: Derek Nimmo you have 14 seconds...

AM: You have to walk up somewhere!

DN: From my base camp at the foothill of the Andes I started out, ice pick in hand, 47 Sherpas followed me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He can't have sweaty hands with an ice pick in his hands!

DN: That was when I was thinking about it.

NP: No he did establish it was the thought of mountaineering that made his hands go sweaty.

CF: Oh was it?

NP: There are nine and a half seconds on mountaineering Derek starting now.

DN: Through the snow we climbed, higher, and even to a greater distance up above the mountain. We saw an eagle, a black one, coming towards us...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was once again speaking when the whistle went and has increased his lead. Derek it's also your turn to begin and the subject is porridge. Can you talk to us on, and we give you 60 seconds as usual and you start now.

DN: Apart from haggis, I suppose porridge is the only Scottish contribution to the gastronomic arts. In fact the British um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation, the Scots are the most erudite practitioners of the art of baking.

NP: Yes and I agree with you Clement and you have 51 seconds on porridge starting now.

CF: Porridge is mostly eaten by Sherpas in the Andes while they are mountaineering. They find it's incredibly easy to warm up and they have salt if they are Scottish, otherwise milk and sugar, hot...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: The Sherpas can't be Scottish!

NP: No I quite agree! Thirty-nine seconds for porridge starting now.

DN: Going to Edinburgh on the train, I think there is nothing nicer than having a plate of porridge when you get up for breakfast. I do like travelling overnight and there one finds a steaming bowl and you put on it some sugar or cream or salt if you prefer it. And as you look through the window, the world goes by, well not the whole of it of course...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, it's the train that goes by, the world is... the world as ever remains static or reasonably.

NP: A very good challenge, 20 seconds Clement for porridge with you starting now.

CF: I find it very difficult to tell the difference between porridge and harris tweed, although I've very seldom seen suits made of porridge...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: I mean that's just ridiculous.

NP: You can tell the difference between porridge and harris tweed?

AM: Of course! And I'm Scottish you see, so I should know.

PJ: You can get a nice tweed in oatmeal!

NP: Give Peter Jones a bonus point for that one, and Aimi Macdonald has the subject, and you have 12 seconds to talk about porridge starting now.

AM: Oh gosh yes, well you see, it tends to bring me out in heat spots. I don't like it very much. But do you know if you're very naughty, you do something wicked, you sometimes have to go to a strange place and be...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement your turn to begin, the subject, cloves.

DN: What? I'm sorry.

NP: Cloves.

DN: Your diction is so poor, I can't really quite tell.

NP: I will say it again, cloves, they can't be clothes. Cloves and clothes. Someone in the audience said what you put in apples. Right Clement, would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: One of my favourite stories as a young child was related to me by my nanny, and dealt with an Emperor in his new cloves. It was about a King who was tired of nutmeg and cinnamon, and his courtesans, in particular a number of villainous musicians came along and offered him a completely unprecedented and never before seen set of cloves which came from Madagascar which is now called the Republic of Malagasy where in fact all cloves come from. They are in fact an enormous and interesting and violent political issue. Because the prosperity of that country is derived totally from the spice which in fact being on the card, I can mention again, clove. It's not the island itself but one very nearby which has all the cloves plantations which bring in such fantastic sums of money...

WHISTLE

NP: Well there was an expert, he kept going for the full 60 seconds so he gets a point for speaking when the whistle went an a bonus point for not being interrupted. So Clement Freud, you are now only one point behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones your turn to begin and the subject is my aspidistra. Whether you have one or not will you tell us something about it in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well since I don't actually have an aspidistra and never have possessed that plant, it must be something that I can look forward to. It is something in the future and my aspidistra...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two somethings.

NP: I'm afraid there were, Peter.

PJ: Oh really?

NP: Derek you have the subject and 47 seconds on my aspidistra starting now.

DN: It is planted in a lovely stoneware bowl made near Ashby-de-la-Zouch from clay mined in the same area. And it is a very beautiful plant. The aspi comes from the Greek word meaning spear and that will give you some indication of the shape of the foliage contained upon this thing. Now I polish it very frequently with oil and vinegar...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so as well. All right, audience, I could hear as well. So Peter you have 15, I'm sorry, 17 seconds for my aspidistra starting now.

PJ: My aspidistra will have to be tall and pink and smell of cologne. It will naturally be made of plastic because since I’m away...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Well that's not true, is it, they're never made of plastic.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid there's a whole shop, alas, devoted to making plastic flowers...

AM: Plastic aspidistras?

NP: You can make a plastic, you could even make a plastic Aimi Macdonald if we wanted. But who wants that when we've got the real thing? Five seconds on my aspidistra Peter, starting now.

PJ: Because I shan't be able to water it during my absence, and I don't like depriving plants...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones got some points in that round. And Aimi Macdonald, your turn to begin, and the subject, how I choose my clothes.

AM: Not the things you put in soup!

NP: The garments that you wear, clothes, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: I find shopping actually rather boring. So what I do is I go to the shop, oh I've done it again...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

AM: No, I didn't do it, I didn't do it, can I have it back? I said, I said shopping and then shop.

NP: I know you did, Derek can she have it back?

DN: Of course she can.

NP: Of course you can have it back. Right so Aimi you have 52 seconds , having got it back, on how I choose my clothes starting now.

AM: It's the establishment, you see, that I think will have the sort of whatsit I'm looking for. And then I go in there and I rummage through things and I pick out something that I think is rather me. Put it on, decide whether it's not me or somebody else. If it's another person...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation before she got to the other person.

AM: Yes.

NP: But as I didn't give it to her last time, I don't see how I can possibly give it to her this time. Aimi you carry on with 37 seconds...

AM: Oh!

NP: ... on how I choose my clothes starting now.

AM: Oh you're outrageous!

NP: I know! It's marvellous isn't it! Go on! Go on!

AM: Now if I think it's really more...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of think.

NP: Yes I know, I couldn't give that against her if I didn't give the other one against her. So Aimi continues and there are 31 seconds on how I choose my clothes Aimi starting now.

AM: I adore black but sometimes I can get away with other things. (dissolves in laughter)

BUZZ

NP: The, er, listeners, the reason that the audience are laughing and they're clapping is that Derek Nimmo has now decided to bring out his sandwich and have his lunch, because he realises there's no point in him challenging any further in this round. So Aimi you continue, there are 21 seconds on how I choose my clothes starting now.

AM: I think I look wonderful in pink, green, red, orange, puce, (dissolves into giggles), vermillion, patchwork, stripes, shorts, longs, broads, silk, chiffon, I'm sorry, um...

DN: You've thrown water over me. She's just thrown water all over me!

WHISTLE

NP: Well for the first time somebody's got a bonus point for not speaking when the whistle went! Aimi Macdonald, um, was not speaking when the whistle went, nobody else had challenged her so she gets an extra point and she's now in third place alongside Peter Jones. Oh I thought, um, well she's moved forward anyway.

DN: Are we allowed to join in again now?

NP: Yes, I think we will join in and the subject is now with you. The subject is speleology. Would you talk to us about that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DN: Speleology I feel is going to be increasingly popular with the present cast of rates, because one would have to return to the cave. I can see no other alternative to this. Because if one tries to live in any kind of inhabitable dwelling, the price for so doing is enormous today. So I am becoming a fervent speleologist. Every weekend I go around looking for handily adjacent things, caverns to live within. And I have found one in deepest Wiltshire which I won't tell you about...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Why does he go on looking for them then?

DN: I'm going to explain.

NP: I think he was going to explain so he wasn't strictly deviating from speleology...

CF: He said quite clearly every week he went, and then actually I found one.

PJ: Well he's probably going to let them! He'll be an absentee cave lord!

NP: Derek there are 27 seconds for speleology starting now.

DN: Because I once met a monk just outside Bangkok who actually explained to me the advantages of this particular form of dwelling. And since then I have found that Gloucestershire ones even are superior to the ones near Devizes. And I will be very pleased to give to any member of this audience after the show postcards giving rates and the address where this place can be found. And so...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He can't give particulars of the rates because ah they haven't been assessed.

NP: No they are not on the council rating um...

PJ: Which was the purpose of moving there, he told us.

NP: So there are four seconds...

PJ: Apart from this monk in Bangkok who seemed to have nothing to do with it at all! What he was doing in this story about Devizes, I don't know!

NP: Actually...

CF: He comes into it quite often!

NP: Actually I was going to say...

CF: Regulars of this programme will remember the monk from previous episodes!

PJ: Yes! Always meets him just outside Bangkok, it's never just inside, you notice! There's a very good reason for that!

NP: I think, I think I'll suggest to Ian Messiter that one week Derek Nimmo has the subject of the monk outside Bangkok! Speleology is with you Peter, you have three seconds on speleology starting now.

PJ: Get a good ice pick and a friendly monk and go to the Andes and make your own...

BUZZ

NP: Oh no Clement, Clement challenged just half a second before.

CF: He fluffed. But he did...

NP: No he didn't, he has half a second on speleology starting now.

WHISTLE

NP: Oh yes! We've come to the end of the game, and let me tell you what the situation is. Well Aimi Macdonald finished in fourth place but she did have a lot of points, she did very well, her clothes got her way ahead there. But she was just behind Peter Jones, who was in third place. And they, he was two points behind our equal winners this week, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud! We do hope you have enjoyed Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by John Lloyd.