JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 December 1975)

NOTE: Thanks to Emile Jumean for help with this transcript.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And er once again as you heard we welcome back Aimi Macdonald as our guest to play with our three regular competitors. They're going to try and speak if they can without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject I will give them. And of course they will score points or lose them accordingly. We'll begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter the subject is awards. Would you talk on that one for Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Well; I always think of awards as those statuettes and other types of ornaments which are given to actors for the best performance in various mediums annually. I don't altogether approve of this because to me, art is not really competitive. However I welcome the publicity. I've never been the recipient of one of these things, and it has seemed to me always that it would be quite depressing to have been the best actor of say 1953, in this present year. Because it does tend to sound as though one has not really done anything since then! But ah doubtless the other people who have been awarded these things, they go on working. I've been told by several friends that work has never come their way... I wonder why they're letting me repeat this? Is it some sort of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

DN: Whatever, whatever he would like...

NP: Actually...

DN: I'm actually helping out or something!

NP: But actually Peter, you didn't repeat. You said working and work.

PJ: Did I really?

NP: So you didn't repeat anything.

PJ: Oh well in that case, you'd better give it me back again and I'll go on!

NP: Well Derek...

DN: I thought he got a bit bogged down and all fed up with a rather boring subject, that was all!

NP: Derek's challenge was for a repetition, and as he didn't repeat anything, it was an incorrect challenge...

PJ: I think he ought to know what I repeated. I don't think you can give it to him if he doesn't even know!

NP: Well that's what I'm saying!

PJ: Well then...

NP: I'm giving it to you.

PJ: So you're not...

NP: I'm not going to give it to him. I said he's got a wrong challenge, that's a point to you for a wrong challenge...

PJ: Ah yes!

NP: You keep the subject, there are four seconds...

PJ: My hearing's almost as bad as yours, you know!

NP: My hearing's all right except when you speak at the same time as I do! There are four seconds on awards Peter starting now.

PJ: I'd like to have one of those bright red rosettes that they put on cart horses...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek, sorry, Peter Jones was speaking then when the whistle went which Ian Messiter blows for us after 60 seconds. And ah therefore he gets the extra point and at the end of the first round, he's the only one to have any points. Derek Nimmo, it is your turn to begin. The subject is polygamy. Would you talk to us about that, and for 60 seconds, starting now.

DN: Polygamy always seems to be much more popular than polyandry, and I can see the reasons for it, in fact I'm totally in favour of the whole arrangement. It's rather difficult really to go about it these days. In Africa, the Metabeli, the Zulus, the Corsa, they still go in for it a little do you know, but they only have to give a few cows to get a few more, if you see what I mean. But...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't go into polygamy a little.

PJ: Two wives... two wives is polygamy, twenty-one wives is a disaster!

CF: (laughing) Two wives is polygamy.

NP: 40 seconds for polygamy, Derek, starting now.

DN: Really, oil sheiks seem to go in for it more than most people, and I quite think that they really got the right idea because they've got all that stuff flowing out of the ground and they've got to do something with their money. So they nip down, they buy a half a dozen rather nice little ladies. Why don't you treat the whole thing I suppose like getting a new car. You start out with a family saloon, and when that gets a bit rundown, then you move onto something a
little more sporty. And I think that's what they're doing out there in Arabia...

BUZZ

DN: ...and they've probably got the right idea.

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes, he said little before. There are 15 and a half seconds for
polygamy with you, Peter, starting now.

PJ: If it's really going to take on and become popular, then we have to reorganize the entire social system from the solo person, bachelor or unmarried woman, up. Now I suggest...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Well, it has nothing to do with unmarried women, has it, so it must be deviation.

NP: No, but he's talking about his system of polygamy with starting,
how he'd start to reorganise the system.

AM: Yes, but darling, a woman can't be polygamous, can she? Is that the right word? It sounded good. Polygamous.

PJ: Yes, but they have to take part in it, because the other people are going to marry them, you see.

AM: But isn't it...

PJ: That's why they're included in this survey that I'm going to suggest. And I have the ear of a very eminent man here on my left, and I'm hoping that he's going to take it further!

NP: Peter, there's half a second on polygamy, starting now.

PJ: Yes, and another thing...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went, he got that extra point and he's increased his lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject, beautiful soup. Would you talk to us about it for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CF: Soup, beautiful soup, was a very well-known Victorian cry. And it's one that I never much cared for, because as far as I am concerned, soup should be palatable rather than beautiful. I can imagine the sort of concoction of liquidised watermelon dressed with sprigs of lilies, clover, which would be very beautiful. But I think absolutely appalling. Watercress, new potatoes, a few sprigs of mint and the yellow liquor is fed into a liquidiser which is put on speed number three, fastly raised to four...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Did you say liquor darling? Do you put liquor in soup?

CF: You do call, liquor is um, any liquid at all. It needn't be alcoholic. Fish stock is liquor just as much as benedictine.

AM: You learn something different every day, don't you!

NP: Come back Aimi you might...

PJ: You mean you might ask me to dinner, and after dinner, you say "would you like a drop of liquor?" and then I would say "yes I would" and you'd have given me some fish stock?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Seven seconds for beautiful soup, Clement, starting now.

CF: Haddock, hake...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: I think so Derek, yes. You have six seconds, no, five seconds on beautiful soup starting now.

DN: I once heard Gaylord Howser say that one should never build on a swamp. He meant that one should never start a meal with soup...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went and so he gained that extra point. He's now equal with Clement Freud in second place, they're behind Peter Jones who's still our leader. And Aimi Macdonald, it's your turn to begin. What will happen this evening. Oh Aimi! Tell us something! Entertain us! Titillate us! You have 60 seconds to do so starting now.

AM: Actually it's very exciting for me because I've never done this before! I'm reorganising my bedroom!

LOUD LAUGH FROM CF

AM: It's very difficult!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

AM: Oh that's...

CF: Hesitation.

AM: But no, as I was, I...

NP: Well after that dirty laugh of yours, I'm not surprised she didn't hesitate! Completely unfair! So Aimi you keep the subject still and there are 47 seconds for what will happen this evening starting now.

AM: Oh you see I got hold of this wonderful fabric, and I'm doing everything in the same fabric...

WHISTLE

AM: Ohhh! Yes, I did it again!


NP: Yes!

AM: Two fabrics!

CF: Two fabrics, yes.

NP: Two fabrics, and out of her own er mouth she admitted her error and there are 43 seconds Clement for what will happen this evening starting now.

CF: I'm very pleased about this subject as...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: That's nothing to do with it! No, no, no! That's one point to me, I get the subject! Well...

NP: Peter Jones has got a point and he has the subject and there are 36 seconds on what will happen this evening starting now.

PJ: Well I didn't include my crystal ball among those I brought with me today. So I'm not able to say with any great certainty what is actually going to happen. I would like...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Even if he had brought his crystal ball, he couldn't have said with any certainty what was going to happen!

NP: But he's still not deviating from the subject on the card. He still can't say with a crystal ball or not, he can't say with any certainty what's going to happen. So he's not deviating from the subject. What will happen this evening Peter, you still have 23 seconds left starting now.

PJ: If I could obtain a packet of tarot cards from the attendants or...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Now he doesn't need all that to know what's happening this evening!

NP: No he doesn't, and they wouldn't tell him very much either!

AM: No!

NP: No, all right Aimi, you have 17 seconds on what will happen this evening starting now.

AM: Well you see I'm making this wonderful...

BUZZ

AM: Ohhhh!!! I didn't!

NP: Derek.

DN: Repetition of well you see.

AM: I always say well you see.

DN: I know, well, if you always say it, it's called repetition isn't it!

NP: Aren't they wicked Aimi! I'll be kind on this occasion. Don't say well you see again. You keep the subject and there are 15 seconds, I won't charge any points starting now.

AM: I'm designing and making with my friend some little lampshades. They are divided into two bits...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation before bits.

NP: Yes isn't he rotten! Derek you have the subject, there are seven seconds on what will happen this evening starting now.

DN: Well you see what I'm doing this evening...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Aimi challenged. What's your challenge Aimi?

AM LAUGHS

NP: Aimi, I know, it's because he said well you see, but he hasn't said it yet! It was you who said it! And if he takes over that he can now repeat all that bit about lampshades if he wants to! Because he hasn't said it, you have! So there are five seconds Derek, on what will happen this evening starting now.

DN: I'm heading straight round for Aimi Macdonald's bedroom! And when I get there, I hope to find all those bits of fabric have been put on top of the bed...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek you were speaking then when the whistle went, you get an extra point for that, you've moved into second place, one behind Peter Jones, two ahead of Clement Freud, and Aimi Macdonald's in fourth place. And Peter Jones, your turn to begin and the subject is typecasting. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: well on the occasional nights when I suffer from insomnia, I don't count sheep, I recast the world. And the idea is that I change people round and give successful er persons from...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Er ah ooh er ooh, oh that was going on.

NP: What are you challenging him for?

AM: Well...

PJ: Well you're doing a mocking and cruel caricature of what I was doing! I merely hesitated in all good faith! I didn't make that jerky movement and those dreadful noises! I think it's very unkind of you Aimi, after all I've done for you in the past!

AM: But just a minute darling! I wasn't just doing hesitation, I was going to go on a bit.

NP: No but he was hesitating...

AM: And he was also deviating, darling.

NP: No it doesn't matter, one challenge is quite enough Aimi! And after all, no, he, he was hurt, very hurt about that impersonation of yours.

CF: She presents a good case, doesn't she?

NP: But you have the subject as he was hesitating and there are 45 seconds on typecasting starting now.

AM: Thank you very much. Peter, you see, was talking actually about recasting which is quite different. If you're typecasting, it means you're putting a face to something that is peculiar to that face...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two faces.

NP: There were two faces yes, very peculiar. Thirty-two seconds on typecasting...

AM: I do try! Honest, I really am trying!

NP: No, you're not a bit trying, Aimi! It's lovely to have you here and you work very hard at the programme! Thirty-two seconds on typecasting Clement starting now.

CF: I suppose the typical incidence of typecasting was when they were making The Derek Nimmo Story and actors from all over auditioned for the leading part, which was finally given to the man sitting opposite me, eating sandwiches out of a bag. I have myself played Clement Freud in a number of films and was very surprised to see, when the character appeared on the screen afterwards, that the name that I had been awarded on the title was some way from my actual nomenclature...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek your turn to begin, the subject booze. Will you talk to us on that one for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Of all the Boos that I've come across, my favourite is of course Evelyn Lay. Boo To Her Friends is the title of her biography. What a dear gracious talented lady she is. And I had the great pleasure of performing with her for many months in a play called The Amorous Prawn which was one of the formative periods of my life. And dear Boos...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of dear.

NP: Yes you're right Clement. You have the subject, you have 36 seconds on boos starting now.

CF: Of all the most beautiful booze, fish liquor is the one that I cannot...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: I'm sorry, booze must have an alcoholic content in that connotation.

NP: I agree, Derek, 31 seconds...

CF: What do you mean you agree?

NP: With Derek Nimmo.

CF: My fish liquor is laced!

NP: When you were talking about it before, you never included the alcohol.

CF: I wasn't talking about it. Different fish liquor!

NP: All right, I'm going to put it to the audience. If you consider that Clement Freud's fish liquor has got booze in it and therefore er Derek Nimmo's challenge is unjustified, you then boo for Clement. And if you think Derek Nimmo's challenge is justified, you cheer for him, and please all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Your fish liquor hasn't got booze in it! They know! Derek you have the subject with 31 seconds on booze starting now.

DN: Here's to the pretty young maid of 15! There's to the widow of 50! As you get hold of a great flagon of ale and pour it down your throat! How thirst quenching...

BUZZ

DN: What's the matter? Who is it?

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

DN: What are you on about again?

AM: Darling he got so carried away he said throws. He didn't say throat!

DN: I said throat!

AM: You said throws.

CF: Throw.

AM: Didn't he?

CF: Yes. Mmm.

NP: Did he? I don't know.

AM: I thought he said throws.

NP: I couldn't hear, he was going so fast. Do you think he said throws?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: He did, didn't he?

NP: All right Aimi, you have the subject, there are 22 seconds on booze starting now.

AM: I like champagne of course. Other things don't agree with me. For instance if I drink scotch I feel a bit peculiar. Vodka I can get away with, for a short... period... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes yes.

DN: She hiccupped!

NP: Yes! You want to know how to get Aimi peculiar, give her some whisky! Right, there are nine seconds on booze with you Derek starting now.

DN: When I sit by myself on a lonely winter's evening, I look longingly towards the cabinet which encloses my 12 year old whisky. I furtively glance...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo speaking when the whistle went got another point and he's now taken the lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, concord. Would you talk to us about this subject for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CF: The Post Office tower is situated in Euston, actually at the bottom of Charlotte Street, and gives you an unprecedented view of London, by virtue of a restaurant on the top floor which circulates. It's very very interesting...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Very very interesting, repetition.

NP: Yes it was, and there are...

CF: It's really very interesting!

DN: Very very interesting.

CF: No, I never ever said that! I really said... I never say very very anything, because my Rs, I don't pronounce them very well. I...

DN: I thought you said very very.

CF: It's really very interesting.

NP: I wasn't sure, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt Clement, and say you have 44 seconds on concord starting now.

CF: Concord is an aeroplane and I was amazed not to have been challenged when I talked for such a long time about the building in London. It was quite interesting when Concord was first named...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of interesting.

NP: Yes that is correct. There are 25 seconds on concord Derek starting now.

DN: The author of peace and lover of concorde, the knowledge of whom strengthens our eternal life to service this perfect freedom which is the second prayer in Anglican masses. And I think that really shows to the world, and has done for many centuries, what the concorde we would like to achieve between nations is really about. If one reads the prayer book, I think one can often find things which today have particular...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek you've increased your lead at the end of that round. But Aimi it is your turn to begin and the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you, is drawers. Can you tell us something about that subject in 60 seconds and you start now.

AM: I don't have drawers actually. I go in more for briefs you see. And you can buy those anywhere. You get very different sorts of those...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of those.

NP: Yes, Clement you have 47 seconds on drawers starting now.

CF: I have a tall-boy with 14 drawers, and a son who draws, and I really wasn't quite sure which...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Peter Jones?

PJ: Has he got a Chinese son, is that what I understood? Hoo Draws?

NP: (laughs) Draws. A bonus point to Peeper, Peter, Peeper, for a witty challenge. Clement keeps the subject, and of course he also gets one for a wrong challenge. And there are 37 seconds on drawers, Clement, starting now.

CF: Drawers such as young ladies wear or not, depending on their inclination, is what I propose now to speak about. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and made of taffeta, silk, nylon...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: I've never seen a pair of taffeta drawers. Have you?

CF: Well, bad luck you!

AM: They'd be awfully scratchy darling. You couldn't wear taffeta drawers.

PJ: You couldn’t wear them on the radio because they'd be very noisy.

AM: Yes!

PJ: All that rustling!

AM: Yes exactly! You could have it for petticoat, but not drawers!

NP: Clement you have 14 seconds on drawers...

AM: You've given it to him, darling!

CF: A pastel shade of orange and pink, perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: You can't have a pastel shade of orange and pink!

NP: No, orange would hardly be pastel, would it?

CF: Orange-pastel pink!

NP: Oh dear! Oh get round, back to your tree! Um 11 seconds on drawers with you Derek starting now.

DN: I think of course of football pools and what fun they are to go in for. It gives one everlasting hope, doesn't it. During the winter months, you get the forms, put in your crosses, and you try to choose the draws which you hope will come up, and then you have great fortune...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo got some more points, he's still just ahead of Clement Freud who is a few points ahead of Peter Jones, and he's now going to begin the next round. Peter the subject is zero. Can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well it's a very negative subject to talk about, I must say. I always think of it as being the very end of everything, like the last letter of the alphabet is the one with which the word begins. And it does signal a certain temperature which is although not the extreme lowest that can be achieved, is nevertheless very very cold...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged first.

DN: Five verys all together actually.

NP: Yes well there was only two together, very very cold. Derek you have the subject and you have 32 seconds on zero starting now.

DN: I have a dear old chum called Zero Mostel, who is an American actor with great talent who played the lead in the original production on Broadway of Fiddler On The Roof. I don't know whether the audience saw any of it, but it was, I think, perhaps the definitive performance of that particular part. And I remember going to the third night to see him at this theatre. And the audience stood and applauded and cheered, and I'm not exaggerating, for at least seven and a half minutes after the show was terminated. What an exciting night I had, that day, on that night...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of night and day.

DN: I said that day actually, at the end.

NP: Yeah but you said night before, and Cole Porter wasn't even the subject! Ah there are two seconds with you Clement, having got a correct challenge on zero starting now.

CF: The boys all called him Johnny...

WHISTLE

NP: So we have an interesting situation now because we can't have a lot more time to go, that Clement Freud is now only one point behind Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones and Aimi are both trailing a little. Derek, it's your turn to begin, the subject is the stocks. Can you tell us something about those in 60 seconds, starting now.

DN: The stocks in my garden, although it's rather chilly, are surviving remarkably well this year. It's because I put plastic sheeting over them to keep them well during the autumn and into the winter months. Also I have seen in the countryside, near a particular cave that I favour, a beautiful pair of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was. There are 34 seconds on the stocks Clement starting now.

CF: One of the most notable fund-raising activities at the moment when there are garden fetes is for people who support your cause to have themselves put into the stocks, and anyone who goes there may purchase pies or buckets of water to throw at the gentlemen or ladies who allow themselves to be locked into the stocks. A great deal of fun is had by one and all though not by me...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well that's not true. Because the person who's actually having the pies and water thrown doesn't have any fun!

CF: Loves it!

PJ: No, no, no, it's quite er masochism.

NP: I would quite agree with your challenge Peter so you have the subject. I said 37 when Clement started, actually it was 27, so there are now seven seconds left for you to talk on the stocks starting now.

PJ: Near where I used to live and was born there is a pair of stocks, western in Shropshire, which you can see to this day. Real wood with a hole...

WHISTLE

NP: NP: So Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went. He got an extra point for that, but he's still in third place, and Clement has taken the lead now, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Clement, your turn to begin. The subject, cherries. Will you tell us something about that delicious fruit or anything else which applies to the word, starting now.

CF: Cherries is a delicious fruit or anything else which you care to think of. Which comes mostly from Kent and is dark red or lighter pink, almost with an orange pastel glow about it. And of all the sweetmeats which I most enjoy, it is a fudge made of black cherries from Switzerland. Sugar, treacle, syrup and molasses, melted in a heavy cast iron or aluminium saucepan, on a medium plane with condensed milk. And when it's poured out after having reached the temperature of two hundred and eighty-six degrees Fahrenheit into a greased mould, the cherries are added. And the confection has the delicacy of texture and an appeal to...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Oh he's been going on, darling, far too long!

NP: But he hasn't deviated, hesitate, or repeated anything!

AM: But it's a bit boring, isn't it?

NP: We can't, you can be as boring as you like in this game, as long as you keep going and not commit any of those three penalties, it doesn't matter, you see.

PJ: He'll certainly repeat often enough when he eats the fudge!

NP: I don't think he'll get very much... you only get a little bit of that down you and it'll come straight back, I quite agree. Seven seconds to continue on cherries Clement starting now.

CF: Cheery pips are exceedingly useless when you look for careers. Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, in fact often...

WHISTLE

NP: Well alas we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Let me give you the final score in this game. Aimi Macdonald coming back after her previous triumphs finished in fourth place. She contributed a great deal but didn't get a lot of points. Peter Jones started off with a flourish but he petered out a little, forgive the pun, and finished in third place. But a few points behind our equal winners this week, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud! So we hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.