JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 24 February 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I am going to ask our four contestants to speak if they can on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card if they can. And we'll start the show this week with Derek Nimmo. The subject is bill stickers, you have 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My son Timothy has a friend called Sara Kay who spent most of her childhood looking at notices saying "bill stickers will be prosecuted". And she always wondered what Bill Stickers had done that the law was continually after him for. And I can understand that. I do hate people who go round with this flypaper bill sticking all over the place. And I think this commercial graffiti, and I use that word advisedly, ought to be torn down. One sees the countryside sullied, the towns destroyed, everything covered in muck and bits of petty paper advertising all sorts of trips that you don't really want to go on, or wonderful things that are unobtainable because these bill stickers are at work. And you go down any street, any yard, any road in this kingdom ruled by our gracious sovereign, and you will see bill stickers at once. So why don't you stop them, why don't you go out into the city tonight, all of you, sitting there like a lot of lazy slugs and tear...

BUZZ

NP: You have actually been challenged at last by Peter Jones.

DN: Oh I thought it was rather good I was going on.

PETER JONES: He said why don't you twice.

NP: I agree with your challenge, you get a point for that and therefore you take over the subject. And there are nine seconds left for you to continue on bill stickers starting now.

PJ: Well some of them are pirates. They don't pay rent for the accommodation and space which is used by these quite ordinary advertisements...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of 60 seconds Ian Messiter blows his whistle which tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. It was on this occasion Peter Jones so Peter you have a lead over everybody at the end of that round.

PJ: Oh how lovely!

NP: Andree...

AM: Hello.

NP: Will you begin the next round?

AM: Yes.

NP: The subject...

AM: I'd just like to say I'm here, hello.

PJ: Hello Andree.

NP: Hello Andree.

AM: Hello.

NP: You're beginning the next round, so you can say more than that.

AM: Yes well I'll try.

NP: The subject is porridge. Will you talk for Just A Minute on that subject if you can starting now.

AM: Porridge, like so many things in life, is delicious when it's hot and absolutely revolting when cold. I love it in the winter with lots of sugar and cream, frightfully fattening, scrumptious. To go to school in the morning, muffled up, having had a good dose of porridge...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged you.

DN: I can't believe she's still at school!

AM: That's...

NP: I don't think she is still at school, but she was making the point that it was nice to be muffled up going to school on a good bowl of hot porridge.

DN: Oh I see.

NP: So I disagree with your challenge, Andree gets a point for that, she keeps the subject and there are 43 seconds left starting now.

AM: It's also a word used for doing a term in prison. This is absolutely extraordinary, I don't know the deviation of it, but isn't English fascinating...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I don't know the deviation of it?

NP: I think she meant derivation.

AM: Derivation.

KW: She meant derivation did she? I see, I see, this is all being conveyed to a vast audience. I don't know the deviation of it!

AM: I'm terribly... (laughing)

NP: You don't need to...

KW: I was just wondering where we are, I just wondered, I wondered if my ears had deceived me or what....

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ... what was happening. One minute she's going to school, the next minute she's wondering where it deviates!

NP: Well that's why, that's why she needs to go to school on a bowl of hot porridge! Because, but anyway when you're keeping going under pressure you can easily slip up...

KW: Pressure? Mmmmmm!

NP: ... like that. But it was a correct challenge...

KW: A likely story!

NP: Kenneth! Can you pull yourself together for a moment? It was a correct challenge so you have the subject and there are 34 seconds starting now.

KW: Yes well...

PJ: It's Just A Minute, you know, where you have to keep going...

KW: Shut your mouth! I've got the subject, dearie! It's made from Scotch oats and you put it in this pan and boil it up with this milk. I mean it can come out very lumpy indeed. And most of the time I think civilised people agree this is the sort of rubbish that is only eaten by peasantry or certainly...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: On behalf of the Scottish landladies to whom I'm devoted, I should like to object to that very biased attack about Scotch porridge.

KW: I see. You would like to object, would you?

AM: Yes I would.

KW: Well Doctor Johnson said you feed them oats in Scotland, he said, and you only feed a horse that in England! (laughs)

NP: All one can say in reply to that is look what a finer race the Scots are!

KW: Yes they're all right I suppose, I'm Welsh myself!

NP: So I think everybody of all classes eats porridge and they're better for it if they enjoy it.

AM: Yes.

NP: Fourteen seconds on porridge with you Andree starting now.

AM: If you look...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Kenneth you have 13 seconds on porridge starting now.

KW: I believe it's done in a snood. And in Cold Comfort Farm, Flora Post does advise...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: It sounded to me like Cold Comfort Flarm!

NP: Well it was Cold Comfort Farm so I think it is...

AM: Did you hear Flarm?

KW: There was no ill, I didn't say Flarm. I speak much better than you. My diction is superb!

NP: Oh stop getting, stop getting pedantic, all of you! Kenneth...

PJ: What was that you said?

NP: You have a point for a wrong challenge and you have seven seconds on porridge starting now.

KW: "A dollop of the porridge has got into the fire", she cried. "Oh what a hiss it's made and a nasty stain..."

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went and he got four points in that round and he now has a commanding lead over everybody else.

KW: Oh how wonderful!

NP: And something that might be stimulated by porridge is the next subject, phagocytes. Kenneth we'd like you to take the subject. Would you talk about the phagocytes or just phagocytes, Just A Minute starting now.

KW: These are the protoplasmic organisms on the leucocyte side of the actual white corpuscles, these energy remain.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Unaccountably he stopped! Hesitation!

NP: You mustn't be so sensitive Kenneth because...

KW: I know, I'm terribly sensitive.

NP: You suddenly think that somebody's about to do something, and we're not, we're encouraging you. And actually you dried up...

PJ: Except Nimmo! He isn't!

NP: No you're right about that! Derek you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 37 seconds on phago, on phagocytes starting now.

DN: Indeed a phagocyte is a leucocyte which means that it is transparent and you can see it. It is derived from a Latin word which I won't give you because I shall be told that I'm showing off as speakers sometimes say. I will abandon it, it is very important to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I won't accuse you of showing off, I'd love to know.

NP: So in that case you get a point...

KW: Oh good!

NP: ... because you are deviating and there are 25 seconds on phagocytes with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well these are the micro-organisms in the human body which fight immediately when any infection enters...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of micro-organisms.

NP: Yes you did say that, so Derek's got a point and there are 19 seconds on phagocytes starting now.

DN: I often wander down the street and see an old biddy going past and "shut up you old phagocyte" I say. And it's surprising the result that happens, they don't know what...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, he has never done that in his life! He'd never shout at a lady!

NP: I...

KW: Get out you old phagocyte! He's never done that!

NP: I'm sure he's never done that Kenneth, so I give you a point...

KW: Thank you.

NP: ... for a correct challenge and you have 12 seconds on phagocytes starting now.

KW: They rush to the aid of the nutriment and healing process that goes on within the human body. They come...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of human body.

NP: You did mention the human body before I'm afraid. There are three seconds for you Derek on phagocytes starting now.

DN: They are of course...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

KW: Hesitation! Definitely hesitation!

PJ: Very slow! Very slow starting!

KW: He didn't pick it up! He's got no idea, has he!

PJ: No no!

NP: I don't think he hesitated actually, he did repeat they are.

PJ: Well what did he do? Why...

NP: He repeated they are but you didn't challenge him for that.

PJ: No he didn't start for a long time.

NP: He did start...

PJ: People were hanging about going from one foot to the other, waiting for him to start, weren't we?

NP: Well you must move very quickly within the half second.

PJ: Well I do, so would you if you were sitting next to Kenneth Williams!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, AM, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Give Peter Jones a point for the best remark he's made for the whole evening. Leave the subject with Derek Nimmo and a point also for Derek because it was an incorrect challenge. Phagocytes Derek, starting now.

DN: A phagocyte is a very difficult word and a lot of people don't find it....

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Derek speaking as the whistle went got the extra point. Derek in spite of getting a lot of points in that round still hasn't caught up with Kenneth Williams who is one point ahead of him and still in the lead. And Peter Jones and Andree Melly are trailing a little way behind. But Peter it's your turn to begin, the subject is making your own radio set. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

PJ: Well it's not nearly as fascinating as it used to be now that they've introduced the printed circuit. When I was a boy I used to go and buy a bit at a time. A condenser here, a transformer there, valves and coils and bits of wire and ah things that...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: I think so Andree yes. Forty-two seconds on making your own radio set Andree starting now.

AM: If your own radio set is kind of falling about the best thing to do is put it on a plate, pour some gelatine over it, and put it in the fridge. If it doesn't set you have to start all over again. Place it in a saucepan, have the light going under it, shove it around a bit, jiggle it up and down, and then sort the things out afterwards in whatever order you think. Because radios being what they are they could work or not according to how they feel...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: It's a load of rubbish isn't it! Putting radio sets in jelly and then putting them in the fridge! She patently doesn't know how to make a radio set. Let alone how to mend one.

NP: Making, you see, one could interpret the making of your own radio set, it could be Andree's radio set which would be absolutely useless afterwards.

AM: Yes.

NP: But I think actually Derek, to be fair, we must give it to you.

KW: I don't see why you should! That's a woman who has given testament that she boils her clocks every year. And she's given testament to this fact that every one of her clocks keeps jolly good time. And she boils them regular! So why shouldn't she pour jelly over her radio?

NP: But shaking it up and jigging it about and putting it in the oven and the fridge and boiling it up, I don't think you make...

KW: It's nice, you do the hokey cokey and turn around! Very nice! I thought she was going, giving us all a bit of invigoration, a bit of life, and he comes down on her like a ton of bricks! No gallantry at all for ladies! You've got no gallantry!

NP: No...

KW: If you've got a woman on the show, you should defer to her, give her a little bit of courtesy, encouragement.

NP: I thought it was very nice but I agree with Derek's challenge, 15 seconds Derek, making your own radio set starting now.

DN: Making your own radio set is much easier these days because there are so many second-hand parts that you can buy at say Tottenham Court Road or even Charing Cross Road, you can buy these things...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Two roads.

NP: Yes there were Andree, four seconds, making your own radio set starting now.

AM: Do it yourself, that's what we can all manage these days...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree Melly got a large number of points in that round, she's moved forward rapidly. She's one point behind Derek Nimmo who is now equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams and Derek your turn to begin, the subject, getting rid of wasp's nests. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I think it's a great pity to get rid of wasp's nests, they're singularly inoffensive creatures. If you don't attack them, they won't go for you and this is really something that people don't realise. People so often rush...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so Derek, and Peter a correct challenge to you, and 47 seconds on getting rid of wasp's nests starting now.

PJ: Well I don't go along with the idea that if you treat a wasp nicely you can make it into a pet. I think they are rather unpleasant and dangerous and certainly when there is a nest of them, it has to be eliminated from one's dwelling place or garden. Because it is a potential danger to children and guests, apart from one's immediate family. Get on to your local council and someone will come along in a small van and get rid of them for you, together with any mice or other insects you find apart from the wasps because we are really trying to get rid of them ourselves. Now paraffin set alight is a dangerous thing, you know, I wouldn't recommend it. Ferris dust I don't think does anything, they probably eat it...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones got a lot of points in that round so it's an interesting situation. He's moved forward now to be equal in second place with Andree Melly but they're both one point behind Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo in the lead. Andree Melly your turn to begin, the subject, the international dateline. Would you talk on that for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

AM: The international dateline used to go something like this. (in French accent) Excuse me mademoiselle, forgive me for talking to you but haven't we met somewhere before. And the answer was gracias, oui, monsieur, ooh eh the dolce vita would be ever so nice. (normal voice) But now with the package holidays up the spout the only kind of international dates most of us will be seeing next year come in a box with one of those sticky little forks. Because I expect they'll be on the end of Blackpool Pier. I used to love those international datelines, but I didn't do awfully well, because I was too keen for the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged you.

DN: Repetition of love.

NP: Yes that's right yes. There are 20 seconds with you on the international dateline starting now.

DN: I've never really been able to understand. I know that sometimes when I'm playing to, say, Australia, I lose a whole day. And no-one's ever really been able to explain it to me. Suddenly it's Wednesday instead of Tuesday, Monday has totally disappeared without a trace, or should it be the other way round? It probably might be yes. But then one looks at a calendar...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek was again speaking as the whistle went, has increased his lead at the end of the round. And Kenneth Williams we're back with you, the subject, the Iliad. Can you talk to us about that for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well it's this great epic poem by Homer. I believe there are 24 books altogether, telling off the wrath of Achilles and the death of Petrocilus. Of course it's derived from Ilion which is you know the Greek for Troy. It is a masterpiece and I suppose has provided the pattern, model for all the works of art that would come within that genre thereafter. I myself have been very moved by this wonderful vision. The face, he says, that launched a thousand ships, this impenetrable, eluctable description of Helen. And of course Galileus and the bloke she went off being Palace. And apparently they had an illicit affair and...

BUZZ

NP: Oh I'm sorry, I'm waking up! Ah Derek you challenged.

DN: Well from what I could hear on this side...

AM: Yes, yes.

DN: It was rather difficult. I thought he said and and, quickly together.

NP: I couldn't hear a word he was saying either.

PJ: I thought your clock had stopped for a while. It seemed to be going on for such a long time.

NP: I think you had better complete the subject Kenneth. There are five seconds left on the Iliad starting now.

KW: You can get rid of wasps by lowering a boy covered in treacle...

BUZZ

KW: ... into the nest and you will find that the wasps will stick to him and he'll come straight out again.

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Deviation and repetition all in one.

NP: How do you know that didn't have any wasp's nests in the Iliad when the Argonauts were going on? I think it was a grossly inaccurate challenge.

AM: Oh!

NP: You have two seconds on the Iliad wasp's nest starting now.

KW: The ancient craggiola with Ulysses...

WHISTLE

KW: ... in the eardrobe in order to pass the siren safely...

NP: It was one of those occasions when I really wasn't fit to judge as was obvious. And Kenneth...

DN: There are many occasions like that!

NP: Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject, the great nebula in Andromeda.

KW: What? Say that again Nick!

NP: Well I'll do my best.

KW: What is it?

NP: The great nebula in Andromeda.

KW: Oh and you're going to give him that?

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh I say! Very posh this game isn't it!

NP: After the Iliad and wasp's nests we have the great nebula in Andromeda and we're going to ask Peter Jones to talk about it for 60 seconds if he can starting now.

PJ: Well it's a great bit of luck getting this subject because by an extraordinary coincidence, I was browsing through an encyclopaedia only the other day, it may have been a fortnight ago. And I was looking for a good recipe for porridge or instructions on how to make your own radio set or something of that kind. And I came across this article written by a well-known authority on the very thing that they want me to talk about. And another extraordinary event occurred...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of extraordinary.

KW: Oh leave him! He was just getting going!

PJ: I hadn't started! I hadn't started yet!

KW: They have no decent manners at all!

PJ: Did I say extraordinary before?

KW: No! Of course you didn't! You gave it quite...

PJ: Well I wasn't listening to myself. I thought it was rather boring!

AM: Yes he did.

NP: I'm afraid you did say extraordinary.

PJ: Oh I did, I wonder how I...

KW: Oh what's it matter! Why don't you throw precedent to the winds Nick! Why don't you give yourself a breath of fresh air!

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge, you have 29 seconds on the great nebula in Andromeda starting now.

DN: What people don't realise about Andromeda's great nebula is that in fact it is really a wasp's nest. And the thing that one ought to do is get some ferris powder...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is hopeless deviation! I mean...

DN: What about you and the Iliad a moment ago?

NP: Well tell us what it is then. Tell us what it is.

KW: The nebula...

NP: What is the nebula, the nebula in Andromeda?

KW: The nebula in the... Andromeda...

NP: What is it?

AM: You...

NP: if you can tell us what it is, I'll give you...

KW: Oh well, I don't know what it is!

NP: You challenged, this is going to be good fun. It's going to be good fun. You challenged because he is deviating...

KW: Because I know jolly well it's got nothing to do with wasps, and so so you, you great nit! How dare you!

NP: I quite agree so Kenneth, Kenneth, you have a point for a correct challenge...

KW: Thank you.

NP: And you have 22 seconds to talk about the great nebula in Andromeda starting now.

KW: Well I mean the great nebula in Andromeda is something that I really am not awfully um...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He's admitted that he doesn't know anything about it! Then he's making, you know, drowning gestures to me, hoping that I'm going to interrupt!

NP: So why are you challenging then?

PJ: Well sheer compassion!

NP: Why don't you challenge for hesitation?

PJ: All right, hesitation.

NP: Well done.

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: There are 18 seconds for you Peter on the great nebula in Andromeda starting now.

PJ: Yes well you see this diagram riveted my attention. And the small print that went on for about eight pages. I was up most of the night on that particular...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: I thought he hesitated there.

NP: Yes I think he did and there are four and a half seconds for Andree on the great nebula in Andromeda starting now.

AM: I was browsing through an encyclopaedia and happened not to come across this particular subject.

WHISTLE

NP: As nobody...

KW: We can't just leave it at that! What is it?

NP: All right, give me a chance, you're too quick! For those who maybe don't know what it is, it's a galaxy of stars.

KW: Is it?

NP: Yes!

KW: It sounds sort of nebulous doesn't it! A great nebula. A load of old rubbish!

NP: Well not to an astrologer.

KW: No, I suppose not.

NP: Um at the end of that round, very interesting situation, very close, Peter Jones only just behind Andree Melly who is two behind our equal leaders still Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject, my dogs. Will you talk on that for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

DN: My dogs are feeling frightfully tired today. I've been wandering around up hill and down dale, hour after 60 minutes. And I really feel very pleased to be sitting on this rather hard B ditto issue chair... sunning myself...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I'm afraid there was a hesitation there Derek.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was.

KW: I'm sorry to have to pick on a vulnerable point of yours. There we are, it's all part of the game, isn't it Derek, it's only a game! You can't win 'em all! And I come bouncing up there! Isn't it amazing!

NP: Are you ready to bounce on the dogs?

KW: Yes.

NP: You have... it's such a change of character and pace, I get confused sometimes. Ah Kenneth a correct challenge and you have 43 seconds on my dogs starting now.

KW: I have had many dogs but the most notable was a Manchester terrier, a most lovely little creature who I had to take unfortunately to the vet because of falling hair. It was all over the place, I mean you could stuff a cushion and I took him there with that...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: If your hair's falling out, you don't go to a vet.

NP: If your dog's hair is falling out, you take it to a vet.

PJ: Oh it's the dog? I'm sorry! He said his hair, I thought he said his hair was falling out.

NP: The hair of the Manchester terrier was falling out.

PJ: Oh I see! Well I just looked at his forehead and I thought yes well, I can understand it.

NP: If you wonder now why there are so many cushions in his flat, you know the answer.

PJ: Ah yes.

NP: They're all Manchester terrier cushions. Kenneth, an incorrect challenge, you get a point for that and you have 23 seconds on my dogs starting now.

KW: The veterinary surgeon said "ah well the phagocytes here are tired and the follicles you see are all laying about exhausted, haven't you when you comb your hair do you notice a few coming out?" I said "yes but you don't think of a bald dog, do you? Nobody ever told me that there's a bald dog. Look at that dog..."

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly's challenged.

AM: Repetition of bald.

NP: Andree correct challenge, four seconds on my dogs starting now.

AM: I've had several...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation I'm afraid, I'm sorry, hesitation I'm afraid.

NP: All right Kenneth, three seconds on my dogs starting now.

KW: So out I would go to Hampstead Heath...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Deviation and hesitation.

NP: No! Kenneth you have two and a half seconds on my dogs starting now.

KW: What? Where am I going?

BUZZ

AM: Hesitation!

NP: Andree you have a point for that, there's one second on my dogs starting now.

AM: Jimmy's the one I've got at the moment...

WHISTLE

NP: I'm afraid I have to tell you that we have no more time to play Just A Minute which is sad because we've enjoyed it and we hope you've enjoyed it as much. I'll give you the final score. Peter Jones was just in fourth place with a lot of points. He was three behind Derek Nimmo in third place. Derek Nimmo was one behind Andree Melly who was in second place. But two ahead of her was this week's winner on this occasion, the one and only Kenneth Williams! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.