ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I am going to ask them as usual to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And let's begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams.


NP: Well Kenneth a very good subject to start with, my undoing.

KW: Ahhhhhh! Oh!

NP: Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well it covers a multitude of unpleasant pleasantries depending of course on your proclivities. But I suppose foremost among the my undoing list would be the string vest...


NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: You can't have the my. I mean it's not grammar, it's deviation.

NP: It was a little bit devious.

KW: Foremost among the "my undoing" list, because it's my undoing is headed you see.

NP: I know but it really was a little bit confused. Your grammar was...

KW: Oh all right.

NP: So Andree Melly had a correct challenge, she gets a point for that and she takes over the subject, there are 48 seconds on my undoing Andree starting now.

AM: My undoing is cabinet pudding, ginger sponge, spotted dick and eccles cakes, the kind you get in Liverpool at the pubs when you've had... um oh...


NP: Derek has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Um hesitation.

NP: Yes it was Derek Nimmo, you have a correct challenge, you have 38 seconds, you take over the subject of my undoing starting now.

DN: My undoing is called a zip which I much prefer to buttons. And I find it much more useful in any way. Because sometimes when you're out in the field, or perhaps in a haystack, then you get your little brolly out and undo it. Because if you have what I call a Z-I-P rather than the other thing I said if you see what I mean, probably you don't, no, you don't. You look a bit astonished, did you not understand, madam? I do beg your pardon...


NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

DN: I'm so sorry, I do wonder about the audience, they couldn't understand, hello?

AM: Deviation, he's gone right off.

DN: It's my undoing!

NP: He's gone right off, there's no doubt about that, right off the subject and right off his rocker I think! Andree again I agree with your challenge so you have a point for that and you have 17 seconds on my undoing starting now.

AM: My undoing is challenging Kenneth Williams at the beginning of the show. Because he can be so sweet and charming and lovely and if you get on the wrong side of him...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, he's never sweet, charming and lovely.

NP: Well actually I must be very fair, I've known Kenneth Williams to be sweet charming and lovely so...

DN: Crawler!

KW: I don't think that's very nice Derek! After all he's a very fine chairman! One of the very few who is very fair...

NP: Oh I...

PETER JONES: I would like to, hello, this is Peter Jones speaking. I would like to disassociate myself from that remark.

KW: Thank you. Thank you very much.

NP: I disagree with Derek's challenge, so you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, 11 seconds starting now.

AM: Because if you stop his flow and rub him up the wrong way he can get very tricky, you know, and a bit nasty. You know it's not his real nature...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: How can he be nasty if he's pleasant and lovely? Now I want to tell you about my undoing which is really something and I've only got about seven seconds!

NP: Peter...

PJ: It was under the pier, the West Pier at Brighton...

KW: Oh!

PJ: On midsummer eve... what?

NP: I'm sorry Peter, we'd love to hear about your undoing but actually it was a wrong challenge.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: Andree still has the subject...

PJ: You'll never hear about it now!

NP: You almost told us about it, I think I stopped you just in time. Five seconds Andree, my undoing starting now.

AM: My undoing happened one night on Blackpell Pier. It was in the middle...


NP: Derek.

DN: That was her undoing.

NP: Derek I agree with the challenge, you have two seconds on my undoing starting now.

DN: My undoing is a rhinoceros...


NP: Well the whistle that Ian Messiter blows so delicately for us tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that precise moment has an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo. At the end of that round he has three points, Andree Melly has four, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams have yet to score. And Derek will you begin the next round. Derek the subject is tape. Would you talk for Just A Minute on tape starting now.

DN: Well there are many different kinds of tape, aren't there, if one applies one's tiny mind to it. I think firstly I suppose of summer sports days with the sun shining and running in my little white shorts with plimsoles on my feet towards the running tape. Ahead of the field I go, striding out with long furry legs. And I use the word advisedly...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, his words aren't furry. They might be hairy...

DN: They're furry!

KW: But they are not furry.

NP: Kenneth you've got the subject, you have 34 seconds on tape starting now.

KW: In our minds unquestionably this is associated with recording the voice. Nowadays if anyone says you have been taped, we all assume automatically that by the process of electronic communication or reproduction, depending as I said before on your proclivities...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Of something, because he said he'd said it before.

NP: But he said it, he said it, he said it in the other round which he's allowed to do.

PJ: He is?

NP: He can actually have proclivities in each round if he wants to.

PJ: But it is boring if he always gives you the same...

KW: How dare you!

PJ: ... very boring speech each, each er subject he gives! You know he messed up the first one and didn't get a point, his own subject, you know. I don't know, I think he's overexcited tonight.

KW: Oh!

NP: And I think he's getting all the rest of us overexcited. Kenneth an incorrect challenge, you get a point for that, there are 14 seconds on tape starting now.

KW: And the idea of course is that in court judgements...


NP: Derek.

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes you did say of course before.

PJ: He said it in the other round though.

KW: Court, I said court.

DN: Of course, you said.

KW: Well of course that's part of speech, dear. We're all doing that. You're using and several times. You used and loads of times, I didn't pick you up on it because I mean it's part of speech. You're not going to bother with little things like that.

NP: Derek, you have 11...

KW: I'm sure we all agree, don't you? That was just a part of speech, wasn't it...


KW: Yes they all agree yes.

NP: Derek Nimmo has...

KW: You all agree, don't you.


KW: Yes thank you ever so much.


KW: Shut your mouth! Who invited him?

NP: Derek Nimmo has 11 seconds...

KW: Why don't they have a bouncer here?

NP: I'll tell you if we had a bouncer here, you'd be the first person to be bounced out!

KW: That's nice! Thank you! Just kick me as you pass!

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo you have 11 seconds on tape starting now.

DN: I have some lovely sticky tape at home which I go round and stick on my clematis, because I like to know which plant is different to the other one if you see what I mean. I have a lovely...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he said different to, whereas it is different from. You cannot differ to someone, you differ from someone, the great nit!

NP: You have half a second on tape Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well that's about...


KW: Oh I didn't get it out! I was going to say bias, base bias...

NP: At the end of that round, Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams are equal in the lead, and Peter Jones is behind them. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is credit cards, 60 seconds, credit cards Peter starting now.

PJ: Credit cards I think are a marvellous invention. They're durable, hard wearing, tough, you can use them for endless things. I've got one under the leg of a wonky table and I use it another one as a shoehorn because it's, you can bend it...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation er.

NP: Yes but he really...

KW: He was hardly under way! Have you any gallantry at all? Isn't it disgraceful!

NP: He was finding it very difficult with all the animated reactions he was getting from you beside him to...

KW: Yes! Quite!

PJ: He was combing my hair during some of it!

NP: I know, Peter you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you have 42 seconds on credit cards starting now.

PJ: And I mended the bottom of a wastepaper bin with another, glued it and ah um...


NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: That one I agree with, yes.

PJ: Yes I agree with that one, I agree with it.

NP: There are 37 seconds on credit cards with you Andree starting now.

AM: These credit cards, I think they started in America, and the thing is that you don't have to have any money. Because I had a girlfriend there and she opened her handbag and there there were hundreds of these things. She hadn't got a sue in the bank and she said it's a disadvantage as a matter of fact. Because you can't get another credit card if you pay with cash. The thing is to go on getting more and more of these credit cards...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: More and more.

AM: Oh.

NP: Yes, there were too much there. Derek, 14 seconds on credit cards starting now.

DN: I really do think they're an absolute abomination because they do give you a totally false feeling of security. You might not have a sue like Andree here...


NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: I thought he hesitated before he thought who it was.

NP: No he didn't, no no no he was keeping going under great pressure.

DN: I know who you are!

NP: There are six seconds on credit cards Derek starting now.

DN: I had one sent to me from my bank, and when I take it into a shop, people very often say to me...


NP: That's the problem of judging on hesitation, because it depends on the pace at which you are going. Now Derek has taken the lead at the end of that round, he was speaking as the whistle went, he got the extra point. Andree's behind him, then Kenneth and then Peter Jones. And Andree your turn to begin, the subject, jellybabies. Can you talk about them for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Jellybabies are not what they used to be. When I was young they were innocent lovely little sweeties. But some educationalist got the idea that small children should know about the facts of life. And where did they start? With jellybabies. Now there are blue boy ones and pink girl versions. You go to the shop and try to find out how many of each you're going to get, that's what my daughter does. And if you really feel...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, if she's going to talk about the subject properly, I mean she's either going to do it or sit and fall about laughing. I mean let's decide what she's going to do. She's sitting there laughing and I'm just about sick of it! I've come here to play this game seriously and I've just about had enough of her laughing. Just larking about the whole time and I'm just about fed up with it! Look at her! I've come a long way to play this game and I think it's quite... oh...

NP: Andree... what was your challenge Kenneth?

KW: Well I mean I don't know whether she was laughing or speaking seriously.

NP: She was speaking seriously with a laugh in her voice.

KW: Oh I see.

NP: She wasn't deviating from the subject, she has a point for an incorrect challenge and therefore she has...

DN: He's finally gone around the twist, I knew he would do one day!

NP: Twenty-seven seconds left for jellybabies starting now.

AM: You get about 22 to the quarter. And watching them being poured out on to the scales, oh it's a frightening looking thing with that sugary lovely taste, all those awful things that go into it that are so bad for you. And you're going to go home and open that little package, the way I'm talking is as if Derek Nimmo would tell us...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: They don't put things in that are bad for you. It's quite erroneous to say that.

NP: Well I think you could say that sugar things are bad for your teeth so in that sense what she said is correct.

PJ: But she's spreading the idea all over the world through the medium of this radio that jellybabies are actually harmful and...

NP: I'm sorry for the people who make jellybabies but they are harmful for people's teeth.

PJ: Well I have an uncle in the jellybaby business as a matter of fact! And ah I want, I'm looking after his interests.

NP: Well I'm sorry but she wasn't deviating from jellybabies so she keeps the subject and there are 10 seconds left starting now.

AM: Just one, perhaps two, taken once a day...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of two. We had two before.

NP: Yes we had one and two before. Derek a correct challenge, nine seconds on jellybabies starting now.

DN: I am a tremendous aficionado of jellybabies. I like the green ones best, I don't know why, perhaps some childhood longing. I used to...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: They don't make green ones. Andree Melly has told us they're pink and blue.

NP: I must say I've never seen a green jellybaby.

DN: They do!

NP: No, have you seen green jellybabies?


NP: Derek Nimmo has another point and...

KW: The audience are full of green jellybabies!

NP: ... one and a half seconds on jellybabies starting now.

DN: I like chewing the heads off first!


NP: Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, a nice historical subject for you that Ian Messiter has thought of, Nostradamus. Would you talk about him for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well Nostradamus, not to be confused of course with nostrils which is what you blow for, haha. Oh I've repeated that...


NP: Andree Melly's challenged.

AM: A ha and a ha. Repeat.

DN: Hahaha, three has.

AM: Three has.

NP: Repetition.

KW: Let's just see what she's got to say! Well do you want the subject then?

AM: No!

NP: No.

KW: Well you've got it!

NP: Well we'll give you a point for a correct challenge, we'll leave the subject with Kenneth and he'll have Nostradamus for 52 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I understand he was some sort of fortune teller, born in France. I think he was sometimes known as Michael de Notredame, however you may choose to pronounce that. And became this...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: He was going a bit slow, I must say.

KW: Well you want the subject, do you? Is that what you want? Do you want to get it away from me? Is that it?

PJ: No I just want to win the game. You know how very competitive I am!

KW: Oh well go ahead Peter!

NP: I'll do the same with Peter. I'll do the same with you, I'll do the same with you as I did with Andree and that's fair to everybody. I'll give you a point for a correct challenge, but leave the subject with Kenneth. Kenneth, 36 seconds starting now.

KW: And he was position in ordinary to the King who was Charles The Ninth, and his father of course was Henry, and his mother Demechi Catherine. Now up to that period, you had a lot of trouble of course...


PJ: Of course! There you are, you see!

KW: What do you mean? What do you mean? This is a disgrace! Are you interrupting me?

PJ: Yes, repetition of of course.

NP: Repetition of of course.

PJ: You keep saying of course all the time.

NP: Peter Jones you have 22 seconds on Nostradamus starting now.

PJ: Cast your back, mind back...


KW: (laughs) Think you're clever now! What a joke!

PJ: I thought we were supposed to be allowed to get started!

NP: Kenneth! Kenneth you shouldn't enjoy other people's misfortunes so much! It doesn't become you!

KW: Oh I know! What about that sadist over there eating jellybabies' heads! Horrible! And you pick on me!

NP: Well the, the cannibalistic jellybaby head-eater has got 20 seconds on Nostradamus starting now.

DN: His great prophecy of 1555 still resounds around the whole wide world. When he forecast all these holocausts that have fallen upon us and those that have yet to come. Though you are here now, repent because the Lord will be with you soon. Remember the words of Nostradamus as you go out of this theatre tonight...


NP: Well Nostradamus...

KW: Half the, half the audience walked out during that!

DN: I nearly went with them actually!

NP: I don't think they walked out, I think they passed out!

KW: Well that's what I mean!

NP: And Derek certainly nearly passed out, but he did get an extra point speaking as the whistle went, increased his lead. And Peter Jones, your turn to begin, rude remarks. We've had quite a few of those in the programme so far today but will you talk about them for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

PJ: Well, who is your fat friend, I suppose is one of the most memorable of them. But a lot depends on the circumstances in which these things are uttered. I can recall Miani Gingold saying something quite devastating to me after a very unsuccessful television programme in which I had participated with her, not co-operated you understand. We didn't seem to have any mutual admiration at all. And when it was all over I tapped on her dressing room door. She opened it and I said "I just popped in to say good-bye". And she said, I'm going to repeat it "good-bye!" and closed the door. And that in the circumstances...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well I mean he did repeat it, didn't he.

PJ: Yes but I said I was going to repeat it.

KW: It was a good anecdote, it was worth repeating. I think you should allow a bit of licence there Derek. I think that was very hard!

NP: Yes!

KW: Very hard, isn't he! Hard! Very hard!

NP: Yes, he couldn't have very well...

DN: You know how keen Peter is to play the game properly.

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge and 21 seconds on rude remarks starting now.

DN: Oh sucks to you, Nicholas Parsons! Is one of my favourite rude remarks. And oh blow off, I say occasionally to dear Kenny Williams, and it does make him smile anyway. He has a nice turn of wit, hasn't he I think. Lovely rosy cheeks, nice Mum too, I think she comes here sometimes. Oh fiddle-dee-dee...


DN: What? Who's that?

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Oh he was ah, he was, what do we call it? Not digressing.

NP: Deviating.

AM: Deviating. That's what he was doing.

NP: He was going on about Kenneth's Mum instead of rude remarks.

AM: Yes he was.

NP: Andree you have a correct challenge and you have five and a half seconds on rude remarks starting now.

AM: Rude remarks are something that i would never stoop to. I mean the company here do seem to occasionally say...


NP: Well Andree was speaking then when the whistle went, and Andree your turn to begin, the subject, the hippopotamus. can you talk about the hippopotamus starting now.

AM: The hippopotamus is large, fat, with a very thick skin like some I could mention. And has short legs, tiny eyes, comes from Africa and can be found in the zoo, most places which have them. It is supposed to be a kind of...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Grammatically uncorrect.

NP: Pragratically incorrect.

AM: Incorrect!

DN: It's taking hold!

NP: As your challenge was grammatically incorrect I'm not going to allow it and let Andree continue with 42 seconds on the hippopotamus starting now.

AM: Doctor Philip Fitzwilliam Herbert Smith has been doing a study on the love life of the hit, hippopoop...


NP: Derek yes?

DN: Yes hesitation.

NP: Well I suppose you could call it that yes.

DN: Hesitation on hippopot if you like, or repetition of hippopot if you like.

NP: But we have 33 seconds for you now Derek on the hippopotamus starting now.

DN: The hippopotamus is a pachydermous animal which means as er Andree has just said, it has a very thick skin. It is derived from the Greek word...


NP: Andree challenged.

AM: Well I just said it is.

NP: But he didn't say it, you see. He's allowed to say it in the round if he wishes.

AM: Yeah well he was showing off.

NP: He does that all the time. He was trying to win, he was showing off, he was playing for points...

AM: Spelling!

NP: ... playing to the audience, but he does all those things all the time in the programme. So he gets a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 27 seconds, the hippopotamus Derek starting now.

DN: The hippopotamus comes from the Grecian word for horse, hippo, and it really means...


NP: Andree.

AM: Repetition because he's showing off again!

PJ: Very good! Very good challenge!

KW: Very good challenge! Very good challenge! Very good! You agree don't you! Yes! Don't drop off!

NP: He wasn't, he wasn't repeating, repetition has got to be repetition of something he said.

AM: You're so pedantic!

KW: Oh don't be so pedantic, you dreary old fool! Going on there! Pull your finger out and get on with it! The whole thing's grinding to a halt! He's dropped off up there! Look!

NP: Andree it was an incorrect challenge, there are 23 seconds on the hippopotamus Derek starting now.

DN: I've got a lovely little book at home called Harry The Hippo. That's more down to her level. Jolly funny book, lovely to read to my children...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two books, I'm afraid.

NP: Yes there were.

DN: Well there are two volumes actually.

NP: Kenneth you have the subject, there are 16 seconds on the hippopotamus starting now.

KW: Then a portly hippopotamus came lumbering into view
Of biggish size with tearstained eyes, and a pinafore of blue
And the itty bitty potamus was very glad she'd come
Because she was his hippopota-Mum!
What are you doing?


KW: What was going on? What was going on? What were you doing?

NP: I wanted, I wanted you to finish the rhyme. It was so lovely...

KW: There was something going on behind my back. I caught it out of the corner of my eye!

NP: I said to Ian Messiter, I said "don't blow your whistle, take it out of your tonsils for a bit, I'm sure everybody wants to hear the finish of the rhyme."

KW: Oh!

NP: I wish to encourage you all in spite of the rude remarks that you make most of the time. Kenneth it's your turn to begin again, the subject is hanging wallpaper. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: This can be delightful especially if the design is by someone as brilliant as William Morris. Surely a man who has created a hallmark, so to speak, in this particular field. I was once engaged in paper hanging with such a beautiful paper, that I was almost in my work, so to speak, mesmerised...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of, two so to speaks.

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh!

NP: I'm afraid so yes. Derek you have a point, a correct challenge and there are 37 seconds on hanging wallpaper starting now.

DN: I like using cold water paste best, you know, the old fashioned kind. I don’t like these new ones, the new...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two likes, I like using the cold water paste, I don't like, two likes.

NP: Yes.

KW: You see you said like twice. Do you understand what I mean dear?

DN: You wait!

NP: Kenneth you have 31 seconds on hanging wallpaper starting now.

KW: And as I hung it, I thought of the Boracey Floracey gowns that those ladies wore in Edwardian England. And I thought of that man...


KW: Who's buzzed me then?

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo.

AM: Two thought ofs.

KW: She's got a nerve, hasn't she!

NP: Yes Andree that's right, he did say that twice and there are now 22 seconds for you on hanging wallpaper starting now.

AM: I've just joined the Society For The Prevention Of Hanging Wallpaper. How would you like to be paper... spread out...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well out.

NP: Yes, she was trying to think of an expressive expression and failed and there are 15 seconds on hanging wallpaper with you Derek starting now.

DN: (slowly) Actually when you really apply yourself...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: What is all this talking, (speaks slowly in impression of DN) If you really apply yourself...

NP: He reminds me of you sometimes!

KW: He is impersonating Clement Freud in that poor man's absence! He's taking the rise out of an infirmity! Taking the rise! I mean it's dreadful!

NP: I think...

KW: Very bad!

NP: I thought he was much closer to you than...

KW: Why doesn't he use a proper voice like me!

PJ: Why isn't Clement here?

KW: Yes!

NP: Thirteen seconds on hanging wallpaper Derek starting now.

DN: (speaks quickly in impression of KW) Oh yes dear, I love hanging wallpaper! Oh it's such fun, it's marvellous! No I know what it's like, it's absolutely super! You go out and you hang it up and oh it's absolutely fantastic! Oh yes...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Someone throw a bucket of water over him! He's hysterical! He'll frighten the children!

NP: He's frightened them! He actually was trying to impersonate Kenneth Williams which is almost impossible.

DN: Absolutely.

NP: That's why he got so frenetic. What's your challenge?

PJ: Ah hysteria!

NP: Give Peter a bonus point, leave the subject with Derek, hanging wallpaper Derek starting now.

DN: I put my trestle table down in the middle of the room and I get my brush, dip it into the water, get the glue out, put it on the back of the paper...


NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking as the whistler went, he got the extra point. I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute so let me now give you the final score. Peter Jones finished in fourth place which is unusual for him, behind Kenneth Williams who was in a good third place. Andree Melly was way up there with a lot of points in second place. But Derek Nimmo this week excelled himself, he got no less than 20 points, a very high figure, and this week he is our winner, Derek Nimmo!

KW: Hooray! Good old Derek! Well done Derek! Good old Derek!

NP: We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.