JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 February 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again we're pleased to have Sheila Hancock with us in the fourth chair in which we have our visitors competing against our three regulars. As as always I am going to ask them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And we'll begin the show this week with Peter Jones. The subject, getting pinched. Can you talk on that, Just A Minute, starting now.

PETER JONES: Getting pinched, in the sense that it means tweaked, is not too difficult if you're in a girl and in you're 20s. However if you are approaching middle age as I am, then it's not so easy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Point of information, is Peter Jones a girl?

NP: I don't see what the challenge is then.

DN: If he is, he's devious!

NP: What is your challenge? Deviation?

DN: Well he said...

SHEILA HANCOCK: He said a girl of 20.

DN: He said a girl of 20, but I'm approaching middle age, it's not, I mean...

NP: Oh I think he got it quite well established in my mimd that someone was coming up to pinch him, either a fellow or a girl, but he was going to be pinched anyway. It doesn't matter, he was going to get someone to put those two fingers together. You could have had him for deviation on approaching middle age, yes... Peter I disagree with the challenge so you get a point for that...

PJ: Oh thank God for that!

NP: And you have 46 seconds on getting pinched starting now.

PJ: If on the other hand you mean arrested, then that's quite easy. Go on the Underground at rush hour, and you can't really move very much, particularly your extremities, without coming in contact with somebody. And that very often gives rise to objections on the part of the opposite sex, or even the same one in this enlightened age. But this is one of the problems of travelling in London today...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of London.

NP: Yes you did say it before um Peter. So Derek you have a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 19 seconds on getting pinched starting now.

DN: So I rushed into the Earl's Court Road and got hold of this brick and threw it through a greengrocer's window, much to the surprise of Mrs Taylor whose birthday it was, who was standing inside. The policeman came along and put his hand on my shoulder and said "I arrest you in the name of the law..."

WHISTLE

NP: I don't believe you ever did that Derek. But anyway nobody challenged you so you kept going, you got a point for speaking as the whistle went, you've taken the lead at the end of that round. And Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, the subject, marketplace swindles. I'm sure you can tell us something interesting on that subject, Just A Minute starting now.

SH: Well to be perfectly honest I can't! I have never to my knowledge been swindled in a marketplace. In fact speaking personally I would always much prefer to shop with fellows on barrows than I would in a large supermarket, where I do often feel I'm being swindled, when I see labels on top of other labels that show...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: I'm sorry, repetition of labels.

NP: You saw too many labels I'm afraid Sheila. Clement Freud a correct challenge, and there are 38 seconds, marketplace swindles starting now.

CF: I think the most interesting marketplace swindle I've ever encountered was in Martinique where a chap was doing the three card trick and his colleague was swindling the general public by marking the playing discs which his...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, cards aren't discs! He's trying to find another word for it but they're not discs.

NP: Ah I think that um three card trick yes, you're quite right Derek. Twenty seconds on marketplace swindles starting now.

DN: The most interesting marketplace swindle that I have ever seen was in Colombo last summer in Sri Lanka, or Ceylon as it used to be known, where we have an awful lot of listeners. And there I was standing when a man came up to me and said "can I change for you these dollar bills that you have?" And he put them into an envelope and took them away inside and he was going to illegally exchange them...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo got a number more points in that round, he's increased his lead at the end of the round. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin. The subject, rude awakenings. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I've had an awful lot of rude awakenings, did you say starting now? You did say starting now, I'm sorry...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of starting now.

DN: Yes that's right, I thought...

NP: You repeated starting now I'm afraid. So Clement Freud has a correct challenge and you have 57 seconds on rude awakenings Clement starting now.

CF: Starting now?

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! You tried hard but you didn't succeed. There are 55 seconds on rude awakenings Clement starting now.

CF: I have an alarm clock which makes one of the most obscene noises I have ever heard. Set it for six-30 AM and half an hour before the clock would have struck seven had it done so, which it won't, the most extraordinary racket emanates from the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation again.

NP: Yes, silence from the clock. Derek, a correct challenge, 37 seconds on rude awakenings starting now.

DN: Doing little harm to man nor beast...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock's challenged.

SH: Well you stopped me once for er...

NP: I agree with you Sheila...

SH: ... stumbling...

NP: ... hesitation and you have 34 seconds on rude awakenings starting now.

SH: When you are in a deep sleep and somebody says "get up, show a leg" I consider that...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well you got me for a little hesitation, hesitation there.

NP: No no, you stumbled, which we've established that if you stumble...

DN: She did stumble.

NP: Not enough for a real hesitation.

DN: Oh I see.

NP: Sheila you have another point and you have 28 seconds on rude awakenings starting now.

SH: A very rude awakening or if somebody stark naked...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Ah repetition of somebody.

NP: Yes and Peter you have ah 19 seconds on rude awakenings starting now.

PJ: Somebody going (makes farting noise) in your ear is one of the nastiest things that can happen to anybody early in the morning. And I always object to it. Even at holiday camps where they have those chimes, I feel it is a trifle rude, because it is followed by the excited squeals of one's fellow campers and the sounds of tiny feet, some even large ones tramping up and down...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Peter Jones kept going very well till then, still speaking as the whistle went, though he was running out of breath and he got some points in that round, and Derek Nimmo is still in the lead. And Clement your turn to begin and the subject, Gemini. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: When I was small, I had a pony called Gem. And Gem and I had some absolutely fantastic afternoons, mostly riding on the heath at Warbeswick, but occasionally on whole day outings to Dunnage, even to Aldoborough, sometimes to Snape. Gem and I having been entered by my mother for all sorts of East Suffolk horse shows...

BUZZ

SH: Oh!

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: I was just going to say Gem and I, the horse was called Gem. Did your mother enter Gem and you? Yes I suppose she did, yeah!

NP: Well tried Sheila...

SH: Repetition of horse!

NP: Sorry Sheila, incorrect challenge so Clement gets another point for that and there are 36 seconds on Gemini Clement starting now.

CF: The lead classes as well as the bending races were possibly the most famous events that we conquered...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of events. Entered all sorts of events, the most famous events.

NP: Derek you have a point and you have 29 seconds on Gemini starting now.

DN: The twins, an astrological sign, pastor and pollocks spelt with a P. But in Egypt of course the sign was two kids as opposed to two people, I remember that has some sort of goat connotation...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of two.

NP: Yes and Clement you have 18 seconds now on Gemini starting now.

CF: I always remember the afternoon when Gem and I were taken to Norwich for treats, tea, buns, cakes, sugar and milk shakes...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Did Gem really eat cakes and buns and things? This horse went into a tea shop...

DN: And milk shakes!

NP: And milk shakes, yes...

CF: Gem and I, between us, between us we consumed all the things that I listed. And if you belt up... many other items as well!

SH: I see!

NP: You did actually say...

PJ: Your mother, who had obviously got this horse's interests at heart, entering in, entering it for all these events, wouldn’t have permitted it to eat all this junk.

NP: Thank you very much Peter, I was going to say exactly the same. So Sheila Hancock has a point and there are eight seconds on Gemini, Sheila starting now.

SH: If you are a Gemini, in other words your sign is that, you usually have a split personality...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I was born on June the 12th and I have not got a split personality!

SH: You have! You have!

NP: Sheila you have one second on Gemini starting now.

SH: Space module...

WHISTLE

NP: Sheila Hancock got some points in that round, she has moved ahead of Peter Jones in third place. And Peter Jones it is your turn to begin, the subject is the sloppiest person I know. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

PJ: I'm not going to say who it is. But he would really prefer to eat bacon and eggs with a spoon, than to get up and eat with a knife and fork. It's someone quite close to me from time to time, and I'm not going to say who it is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of not going to say who it is.

NP: I know.

PJ: Oh that's right yes.

NP: You made a great point about saying that Peter, and you lost the subject. And Clement Freud got in and gained a point and there are 43 seconds Clement, the sloppiest person I know starting now.

CF: I too am not going to say who the sloppiest person I know is. But the second sloppiest person without much doubt is Nicholas Parsons who eats margarine...

BUZZ

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I'm afraid so. The audience inhibited you...

CF: No they didn't.

NP: ... but they did very well!

CF: I wanted...

NP: They're a nice appreciative lot. There are 31 seconds for you Derek on the sloppiest person I know starting now.

DN: I was walking down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh and there I met for the first time the sloppiest person I know. "Garday new," he shouted as he chucked from the first story a large chamber pot and its contents all over me. The pot shattered on the floor...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Repetition of pot.

NP: Yes there was too much potty there I'm afraid Derek. Sheila got in and there are 13 seconds Sheila on the sloppiest person I know starting now.

SH: I have to confess that the sloppiest person I know is probably myself. I'm one of the few people who couldn't live in a caravan, because in fact I found myself unable...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well repetition of myself.

NP: Yes she kept going, she didn't hesitate but she repeated. So um I'm sorry, you know, nice to speak... there are three seconds on the sloppiest person I know Derek...

DN: And in Hollyrood Palace I said "whatho McTaggart, you really are a mucky pup..."

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo got a number more points in that round, he's increased his lead at the end of the round. And Sheila Hancock begins the next round, the subject is friends I don't like. Sheila will you go on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SH: Friends I don't like seems to me a contradiction in terms, because they would not surely be your friends if you didn't like them. However I will endeavour as I have to speak for five seconds, 50, 60 seconds on the subject...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of seconds.

NP: Too many seconds, yes Sheila, you can't correct yourself in this game. So um there are 45 seconds for whoever challenged and I think it was Derek, wasn't it? Starting now.

DN: Francois Dupont is one of the chums or amies that I don't care for terribly. I met him in St Paul Province which is in the loveliest part of that fair country from which so many of the audience tonight hail...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: That's a hesitation, wasn't it.

NP: Oh definitely yes.

SH: Yes.

NP: He hailed them all and somebody nearly did the Nazi salute! There are 30 seconds on friends I don't like, Sheila with you now starting.

SH: The friends I don't like are the ones that try to be honest with me. You know the sort I mean. They come up to you and they say "listen, I am your friend, and I feel I ought to tell you because people are mentioning it, that such and such is true..."

BUZZ

NP: Oh dear! Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition!

SH: Oh yes.

CF: Such and such.

NP: Such and such are true, and Clement got in first. There are 14 seconds Clement, friends I don't like starting now.

CF: Friends I don't like is the sort of phrase which I deplore. Because friends, which is another name for Quakers, are among the most decent honourable people in this country. And for someone to come out with a statement...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin. The subject, a word we use a great deal in this programme, seconds. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DN: Take 15 paces to the left, 25 to the right, ditto, I said, he said, somebody said...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of said.

NP: Yes of course, and there are 51 seconds now...

DN: Yes I suddenly thought it ought to be matched, you see, I thought it was rather...

PJ: Unfair!

DN: For one to go 25 paces and then have to to go 15 paces. I thought it was rather mean. So I tried to collect it and move one back five paces... I was trying to be sportsmanlike but you didn't let me go on, it's your own fault, you're the loser! So sucks to you and I don't mind, I won't say any more, you know...

NP: Sheila your challenge was correct, quite a time ago before Derek got the bit between his teeth. And you have now 51 seconds to talk on the subject of seconds starting now.

SH: There are in fact 60 seconds in a minute. And in this programme you have to keep talking for that length of time. And believe me, it is incredibly difficult as I am giving ample proof of today. You also call your sweet seconds or at least my little girl does when she is at school. And sometimes it's jam pudding or rice the same, even macaroni or tart. I like that personally...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

SH: Oh God!

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yeah, I think she almost packed in there.

SH: Grinding to a halt!

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge and you have 17 seconds on seconds starting now.

CF: Not very long ago, I went into a china shop and bought a cup and a saucer. And when I arroived home, they said it was broken...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: When he rouched home?

NP: Yes! Sheila I agree with your challenge and you have two and a half seconds on the subject of seconds starting now.

SH: The people that are in attendance...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of people, I'm afraid.

NP: Yes you did say people before.

SH: Did I?

NP: Yes. And Clement you have nine seconds on seconds starting now.

CF: The extraordinary thing about purchasing crockery which turns out to be broken is that it is named seconds, meaning not firsts and definitely...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones it's your turn to begin, and the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of is shocking people. So will you talk on that subject if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well my experience has been that people are not usually as shocked as others believe them to be. It is a fallacy that people make remarks... I've repeated people already so I know I...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

PJ: What?

SH: Well he said he has but it's on the card!

NP: I know so it's an incorrect challenge.

SH: Oh .

PJ: Is that right?

NP: Yes so you have another point.

SH: But he hesitated!

NP: It's too late, your first challenge was people. And people's on the card, and you can repeat the words on the card more than once, or even twice. And Peter, you continue, there are 47 seconds left, shocking people starting now.

PJ: This shook them, they say, or is there was a tremendous hush fell over the audience. And actually nothing of the kind happened, the people were not shaken, and a hush didn't fall over...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

PJ: I'll never do it!

SH: He did repeat the falling hush, didn't he.

NP: The hush and the people in the audience and ah...

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes you got interrupted and you couldn't get going again Peter, bad luck! Thirty-five seconds Sheila for you now on shocking people starting now.

SH: In this day and age, it becomes increasingly difficult to shock people. When Bernard Shaw wrote Pygmalion, he managed that by just using the word bloody. But now we are so used to it, we don't turn a hair, except for a lady from Luton who always writes to me when I use it, and I doubtless will get one from her today. Ah...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

SH: Yes it was.

NP: Yes. I thought you were going to say she'd get a letter from her today. She can't possibly, the lady hasn't written the letter yet. Ah Clement there are 14 seconds on shocking people starting now.

CF: I think the most shocking people I know are the ones that come to audiences in the Playhouse Theatre and never applaud even if I win. Only waiting...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You're right Clement, you see they're applauding Peter Jones's challenge now. What is it Peter?

PJ: I don't think, you can't alienate the audience even if they're aliens! I mean, you shouldn't do that, it's ah, you know...

NP: I'm afraid Peter, he didn't alienate the audience, they all immediately clapped as soon as he said it. He endeared himself to the audience.

PJ: Well I don't know quite who they were clapping really!

NP: I think he didn't, what is your challenge?

PJ: Ah I'm not so sure now. I just felt instinctively there was something wrong! Rounding on the audience in that way, I don't think you can do that.

NP: Well all right, give Peter Jones a point, leave the subject with Clement Freud and he has four seconds left, shocking people starting now.

CF: Go up to any sensitive crowd and unbutton your shirt...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Clement Freud took the lead, and Peter Jones is creeping up. And Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, the subject, my destiny. Can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: I had some tarot cards read of mine the other day, and I was amazed. My life seems to have taken a turn for the better and things like a new house and baby are going to happen, which indeed they are. The man was quite right. Other things he said were, like I am...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Things, repetition of things.

PJ: I agree Peter, repetition, and you have the subject now...

DN: He wasn't very inspired, was he, that time!

CF: I hope you got your money back!

SH: It was for charity! (laughs)

NP: What, the baby? The ah, Peter you have 40, sorry 37 seconds on my destiny starting now.

PJ: Well I've never actually had my hand read or sat in a tent with a gypsy and a crystal ball. So I really have no idea what the future has in store for me, and by that I mean my destiny. Of course I have from time to time felt...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of time.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was, and Clement you have 20 seconds on my destiny starting now.

CF: I have on occasion been to fortune tellers, clairvoyants and even a gypsy in a tent who had a crystal ball which was terribly painful! And the day after I had been to that marquee and heard the full details of what would happen to me, and my family, children, animals, pets...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud speaking then as the whistle went got an extra point. He has increased his lead at the end of that round. And ah um oh Derek Nimmo, it's your turn to begin, the subject is the hole in my sock. Can you talk on that delightful subject for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well it's been there quite a long time now. I got it last Tuesday, it was a curious thing. I was climbing Snowdon, the mountain in Wales you might perhaps have heard of. And I stumbled over this rock and a very odd thing happened. You see I went backwards as it so it turned out, and then I saw in this crag a piece of sheep's wool that was caught by a kind of, how would one describe it? I think barbed wire would be as good a way as any. Yes I'll settle for.

BUZZ

DN: Oh I thought I heard the buzzer? I'm so sorry.

NP: No you didn't hear a buzzer, but when you paused there was a buzz.

DN: Oh I'm so sorry, I thought I heard a buzz. I'm hearing bells, I'm Joan of Arc!

NP: Sheila you buzzed, and your buzz was?

SH: He hesitated.

NP: He did indeed, a very definite hesitation. So Sheila you have 35 seconds for the hole in my sock starting now.

SH: The hole in my sock in fact is an entire one, because I'm not wearing any. However at home I have a drawerful because I have a very long big toe...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of have.

NP: Yes there was Derek and you have now 25 seconds to continue on the subject of the hole in my sock starting now.

DN: So I sent for the boy scouts and the rescue men and the nurses, and the women's auxiliary service. I said "darn away please!" But you know, they didn't have the wherewithal...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter I agree and you have now 13 and a half seconds to continue on the subject of the hole in my sock starting now.

PJ: It's been there for a very long time. Only one single little garment hanging on the chandelier...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No I don't think it was hesitation. He searched for the chandelier and he just found it in time! Peter you have now six seconds to continue on the hole in my sock starting now.

PJ: As a constant reminder to my wife and children that this does need repair and I am unable...

WHISTLE

NP: I am afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute, alas! But let me tell you what happened. Peter Jones came at the end with a flourish but he still finished in fourth place, I'm sorry to say. He couldn't quite catch up Derek Nimmo who finished alongside Sheila Hancock in second place. And she was three behind this week's winner, once again Clement Freud! A popular win, he did not alienate this audience. We hope you've enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.