JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 November 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we're delighted to welcome Sheila Hancock back into the fourth chair to compete against our three regulars of the game. As once again I am going to ask them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we'll begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek would you take the subject of getting round people and talk for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: It all depends really on the person that you're trying to get round. Now if it was a lady you might go along with some spearmint or some chewing gum. And if it was Sheila Hancock, it might be rather difficult to get round her come to think of it actually. But normally one would give her lemonade because she doesn't drink anything alcoholic and then she would be your friend for life if not for a fortnight. And then one would take with you a sausage. Now that's very important because sometimes if one meets the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of some, he said it three times.

NP: Yes, three times, you're quite right Clement, and you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject and there are 36 seconds left starting now.

CF: One of the best ways of getting around people is to take a fix on their left ear...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Deviation, the subject is getting round people, not around people.

NP: Oh very subtle challenge and um, I think well, he can start off about getting around people even though the subject is getting round people.

SH: Oh.

NP: I know, let's put it to the wisdom of our audience.

SH: No, let him have it.

PETER JONES: You already...

NP: If you agree with Sheila's challenge would you cheer, and if you disagree would you boo, and would you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: When the cheers stopped, the boos started, and when the boos stopped, the cheers went on. Sheila Hancock they're on your side, they want to hear from you. And so you have 32 seconds, having gained a point for a correct challenge, getting round people starting now.

SH: Well in order to get round people, it would be a good idea to advertise in The Times saying anybody who has dimensions of 60 inches around the middle, would they please apply. And then perhaps a few fat people would...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The Times don't take those sort of provocative advertisements!

SH: Don't you believe it! Have you read the personal column lately?

CF: Put it to the audience!

NP: I have no doubt that if Sheila Hancock put the advertisement in The Times, they would take it. So Sheila, we disagree with the challenge, we give you a point for a wrong one and there are 18 seconds left on getting round people starting now.

SH: And at this moment I would be delighted because I would feel some sort of sympathy for them, as I, at the moment, are rather round myself. That is another place where you meet a lot of round people, at maternity clinics. Singularly round they are, even rounder...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation, and good evening everybody!

NP: Well it's nice to hear from everybody in the first round. And Peter you got in magnificently with only one and a half seconds to go.

PJ: Oh really.

NP: You get a point for a correct challenge and you start on getting round people starting now.

PJ: Two ton Tessie O'Shea...

WHISTLE

NP: Just to remind anybody who may be new to the game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes which tells us by the way that 60 seconds are up, gets an extra point. It was Peter Jones on this occasion so he's in the lead alongside Sheila Hancock at the end of the first round. Clement Freud would you begin the second round, the subject is what I have in mind. Can you talk on that subject, about that subject, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: What I have in mind is a radical approach to taxation. I think for so long the wrong people have had to pay too much and what I have in mind is a tax on hyphens. Anyone who has a hyphenated name would have to play a hundred...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of tax.

CF: Well you, you try not repeating tax.

PJ: Well I'm trying all the time.

NP: All right but if you repeat tax in this programme it is ah, it is de, it is incorrect. So Peter, a correct challenge, a point to you and 45 seconds left on what I have in mind starting now.

PJ: Well I happen to be on a diet at the moment and so my mind tends to run on the subject of food. And I keep thinking of macaroni and spaghetti and tortetone and ah toriatelli, pasta...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of pasta.

NP: Derek a good challenge and I think the audience reaction tells us that you deserve a point for a game try. But as he wasn't deviating from the subject on the card we leave the subject with Peter, who continues for 32 seconds, what I have in mind starting now.

PJ: Steak and kidney puddings with dumplings on the side is the kind of thing that my mind runs on at the moment. Though later on...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of at the moment.

NP: Yes it is correct and you have a correct challenge now Derek and the subject and there are 23 seconds on what I have in mind Derek starting now.

DN: What I have in mind at the moment is to rush out into this fair city of Londinium and go along the Strand, I'll go and then turn down towards old father Thames...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

DN: Who buzzed?

CF: Repetition of go, or gogo.

NP: A correct challenge Clement, you take the subject and a point, 15 seconds on what I have in mind starting now.

CF: What I have in mind is that if I were a more sporting player, I would not have interrupted Derek Nimmo when he was in full flow, racing down the Strand on his way to the city of Londinium of which he is a native as is Sheila Hancock and...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DN: I'm not a native of London, I'm a native of Liverpool!

CF: Liverpool!

NP: And that we all know. Derek Nimmo you've got in with only two seconds left, what I have in mind starting now.

DN: What I have in mind is nothing like...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo speaking then as the whistle went gained the extra point and he's moved into the lead, one point ahead of Peter Jones and Clement Freud and Sheila only one point behind in third place. Sheila we've come round to you, your turn to begin. The subject, oh this is a nice one for you, my opinion of the others.

SH: Oh!

NP: Can you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: I am going to be very wary about this subject in case I lose it and one of them has to give their opinion about me. Therefore I will say that starting with our chairman Nicholas Parsons, he is an honest, upright, fair citizen...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, it's a load of rubbish, he's an absolute rotter! He's a well-known cad and bounder!

NP: Well, dear me, Derek Nimmo's challenge is an incorrect challenge...

SH: I'm on a good wicket here!

NP: A very good wicket! I'd keep all, I'd keep all of it about the chairman if I was you Sheila.

SH: I think I will yes.

NP: You get two points for that Sheila, and um... no give her one, I was only joking really because otherwise I'd get all those letters, won't I.

DN: If you're lucky!

SH: Still getting those letters?

NP: Sheila you have 45 seconds on my opinion of the others starting now.

SH: Not only that but he is very good looking. And he has a very difficult task...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of very.

NP: Rubbish! You get another point for that and there are 40 seconds on my opinion of the others Sheila starting now.

SH: And he is very quick on the bell and extremely...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged then.

DN: Repetition of very.

NP: Quite right Derek, there are 30 seconds for you now Derek on...

PJ: I certainly agree as far as ah you are very, but I won’t say any more. You are very very!

NP: Right well...

DN: Hello hello hello.

NP: Hello hello hello.

PJ: Very, I think he's very.

NP: Derek Nimmo still has 30 seconds on my opinion of the others starting now.

DN: Well there was Donald Lewthwaite and Bert Chimes, Fred Birkinshaw and Robert Conestade, who came from Devon, a curious little hamlet called Muggleston-on-Flick. Now perhaps you haven't heard of them but that was one of the others that i first met when I joined the Salvation Army...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud's challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I have heard of it!

DN: Well I hadn't till I just made it up, I can tell you!

NP: So in that case, the only fair thing to do, Derek got a point for a clever challenge, we give one to Clement Freud for a clever challenge, leave the subject with Derek and Derek there are 10 seconds on my opinion of the others starting now.

DN: Nicholas Parsons is a great big oaf who sits up there all the time...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, you're not!

NP: Thank you very much Sheila! Sheila has another well-deserved point and there are eight seconds Sheila on my opinion of the others starting now.

SH: Peter Jones I have known for many years, and my affection for him has grown with each passing month...

WHISTLE

NP: Well to quote Sheila Hancock, she found a good wicket to bat on then. And for those foreigners in the audience I say that's a cricket expression which means that she's found ah a good place... I don't know what it means.

SH: A good place, Nick!

NP: So Sheila...

PJ: Are there many English-speaking people in the audience?=, by the way? Oh good because I would be reassured to know that.

CF: Could you speak more slowly?

NP: Sheila Hancock you've not only got a lot of points, you got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went so you're now in the lead one ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject, how it should be done. Would you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now.

DN: Very gently it should be done, I think. Otherwise you might cause undue distress. One should always in this life try to be kind, considerate, good natured. In that case when you have to do it, you will cause the minimum of dissatisfaction and the minimarnay...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah, very clever, yes, because once he found he was repeating minimum he hesitated. Peter you...

DN: I was mumbling!

NP: Peter you have 40 seconds on how it should be done starting now.

PJ: They ought to clear out all these seats out of this theatre and put in tables and chairs, and have a marvellous banquet for all the audience and the performers before we start, with...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: ... a dozen champagne...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No you can't allow that because the audience were so captivated by the idea he couldn't speak through such pandemonium of applause. So Peter we won't charge any points and tell you that you have 22 seconds to continue on how it should be done starting now.

PJ: Twelve oysters a piece and as I say this bubbling liquid which would be in profusion everywhere. Bottles for each person...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of each. Each person.

NP: Yes I think he said each before, Peter. And so there are 12 seconds left for how it should be done Derek with you starting now.

DN: In Hyde Park after midnight, one should try to do it. Then if you are caught by the...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: If he does he'll be arrested!

NP: Sheila we'll give you a point for a good challenge because the audience applause shows us that. But as he wasn't strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card, we have to leave it with Derek...

SH: Anyway it's closed after midnight!

CF: No!

NP: No not always.

SH: Oh. Well you obviously find a sneaky way in! All the bits I know are closed! I know because I once drove round and round because I couldn't get out!

NP: That's in Regents Park.

SH: No, no, they put great big things across the road in Hyde Park and you can't get out, you're trapped. I had to leave my car and climb under the gate.

NP: What a fascinating life you do have Sheila. Yes so you were in it. Right but anyway...

PJ: If you had waited another hour or two, they would open it at seven, you know!

NP: So for all the foreigners in the audience, you know what you don't do after midnight in Hyde Park. Sheila you get a point for that challenge but Derek keeps the subject and there are five seconds Derek on how it should be done starting now.

DN: How it should be done, sir or madame, is in the Serpentine swimming because there's nothing like...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, what I expect and you start now.

CF: What I expect is that if I stop talking, somebody will press a buzzer. And quite regardless of whether the challenge is right or wrong, you will award it to them without concert of the audience, or listening to anybody who might have strayed into this theatre, whether they come from France, Belgium, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Denmark, Sweden, Norway or any other country...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation before Norway. He was going round the world... Ah 35 seconds what I expect Derek starting now.

DN: What I always expect is that Clement Freud will prove to be a bad sportsman as he invariably does. And he grumbles and moans and expresses discontent about the slightest and smallest of things. But I also expect that England would expect that every man should do his duty, which is rather like Barrow's jolly words to that nautical fellow, the fellow on top of the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of fellow.

NP: Right Clement, you have the subject, what I expect, 12 seconds left starting now.

CF: What I expect...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: That was a bit quick, but he did hesitate, didn't he.

NP: He did hesitate but I was a bit tough on him last time, I'll be fair, I'll give him a point for a wrong challenge and tell him that he now has 11 seconds on what I expect starting now.

CF: Is that some carpet bagger from Afghanistan will approach me in Chowlbert Street or even Primrose Hill, asking if I would care to purchase two donkeys...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: I think it's highly unlikely that a carpet bagger from Afghanistan, deviation.

NP: I think it's highly unlikely but it's not exactly... oh no, what I expect, you wouldn't expect that, would you.

SH: No!

NP: A very good challenge, you have one second on what I expect...

CF: Pretty well what I expected!

NP: Starting now.

SH: What I expect is a baby...

WHISTLE

NP: And Sheila Hancock again speaking as the whistle went has increased her lead at the end of the round. Oh Peter what a lovely subject for you now, suction pumps in industry. Do you think...

PJ: Thanks very much!

NP: ... in some way you can keep going without hesitation, deviation or repetition on that starting now.

PJ: Well of all the suction pumps in the whole wide world, I would say that the suction pumps in industry are the most boring of all. If there is any listener who is addicted to this particular type of machine I hope during the course of the next 60 seconds or perhaps 50 by now, to dissuade you from pursuing this. Because they really are execrable things. Now if you go up to Lincolnshire, just outside Grimsby, a factory there in a green belt, if you go to the basement of it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of if you go.

NP: Yes, if you were, you did if you go more than once Peter.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: And Clement gets a point for the correct challenge and there are 25 seconds on suction pumps in industry Clement starting now.

CF: What you must never do to a suction pump in or without industry is to blow into it, because it is likely to gum up the works quite hopelessly. Far better to get an arm, even a leg and attach it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of even. Even...

NP: I never noticed...

CF: That went pretty well didn't it! Do you want to try it again to the audience.

NP: Nobody else seemed to hear it. Did anybody else hear him say even twice?

SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud there are 10 seconds on suction pumps...

DN: Even in, even...

NP: ... industry starting now.

CF: Gathering up your suitcase and taking a train from Euston Station to the north, the industrial west is just to your left as you approach Manchester...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud kept going till the whistle went, absolutely captivated everybody with what he was saying and he got some extra points. He’s now equal with Derek Nimmo in second place behind Sheila Hancock, and Peter Jones is trailing a little. Sheila we come round to you again to start. The subject which we all need in this show, concentration. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: As you indeed Nick said, you need concentration in this show more than any other that I have participated in, particularly if Kenneth Williams is on the panel, as he is apt to distract with all sorts...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

SH: I didn't, I carried on.

NP: I would agree Derek, and you have 47 seconds Derek on concentration starting now.

DN: Indeed you have to concentrate in this game, otherwise you might fumble or indeed stumble and they are the things that one has to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of indeed.

NP: No he didn't say indeed before.

CF: He started with indeed and then he said "or indeed stumble".

NP: Well done Clement Freud, you have 42 seconds on concentration...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I'm very pleased that the audience were concentrating then, because the chairman slipped a little. And there are 42 seconds, concentration starting now.

CF: if you were to get 26 bananas, 37 lemons or indeed 48 oranges and boil them down, they would be known as concentrated fruit. And the result is a liquid which you add water, invariably ice and sometimes aerated, a most refreshing summer drink which I would recommend wholeheartedly to everyone in this audience and all those listening at home by the seaside...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

CF: ... on their transistor radio...

PJ: It's terribly dangerous because the diabetics in the audience... It could be terribly dangerous!

NP: Peter we'll give you a point for a very amusing challenge and leave the subject with Clement Freud and there are 15 and a half seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: Going to the South Pole, it is customary to take with you some form of concentrated meat known as blubber which comes from whale, which will keep you alive or at least stave off hunger...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Is blubber concentrated meat? Isn't it just whale meat?

PJ: No, it's fat, whale fat.

CF: It can be concentrated.

NP: It can be concentrated but you said blubber was concentrated meat.

CF: No. Or blubber.

NP: That's what Sheila challenged on, wasn't it.

SH: Yes you said concentrated meat...

CF: Very good challenge! Very good challenge!

NP: Five seconds Sheila on concentration starting now.

SH: There are many yoga exercises which improve your concentration...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Sheila Hancock increased her lead. Derek we're back with you, oh a nice subject here, the bits that get taken out. You can take that many ways, can't you?

DN: Yes I'm beginning to get worried about it!

NP: You're writing it down are you? Take it any way you wish for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: The bits that get taken out, what a lovely subject to be given on a hot day, such as it is cest soir. Now I...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: It isn't a hot day cest soir!

NP: No you can't have a hot day in the evening.

DN: That was for the benefit of the foreigners in the audience!

NP: Well I don't think the foreigners benefited very much from it. Except to know that you don't know the ah...

DN: Evening can be day. It's the same thing, old love.

NP: Peter Jones has got a point for a very good challenge and he has 50 seconds on the bits that get taken out Peter starting now.

PJ: (speaks in French) to explain that these girls who are sort of hanging about in stage doors, rather in smaller numbers than in my youth I remember, but they were there to be taken out, or possibly even taken in, later. But ah the fact remains...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was Peter, very definite er there. Thirty seconds...

PJ: Just an er or two? I mean what's an er or two? I was trying to make it more comprehensible to the foreigners!

NP: I thought you were about to say that when you take a bit out, you might err.

PJ: Oh yes! I would never have thought of that, I'm pleased to say!

NP: Clement Freud you have 30 seconds on the bits that get taken out starting now.

CF: If you were a whale, one of the most likely bits to get taken out would be blubber which needn't necessarily be concentrated...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You can't refer to a whale's blubber as bits to be taken out. It's an enormous quantity! Most of the whale is blubber. To just say bits as if it's an appendicitis or an adenoid or something is just ludicrous!

NP: But he might only be taking...

PJ: I am trailing, you remember!

NP: Peter I will be generous and follow the, the guidance of the audience's applause which says that as you're trailing they would wish you to continue on the bits that get taken out and there are 22 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Most people believe that when a programme is edited, some of the most hilarious parts of it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of most, most people, most.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was too many mosts Peter. So Derek has another correct challenge...

CF: He is trailing!

NP: ... and he has 13, no 16 seconds on the bits that get taken out Derek starting now.

DN: Dear old Maggie May! I remember taking her out on July the 15th, 1947. I was quite young, rather precocious I suppose one might even...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation. Before he said precocious, he hesitated.

NP: I don't know what he was talking about quite frankly. But he didn't actually...

PJ: Well he was talking about being young in 1947, I overlooked that!

NP: Give Peter Jones another point and leave the subject with Derek Nimmo, he has eight seconds on the bits that get taken out Derek starting now.

DN: And this shrapnel got into my hand and rump, and they had to take the bits out rather slowly. I had been shot at by...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of rather. He was rather young before and now it's rather slowly.

NP: Yes so Clement you have a good challenge and one and a half seconds left on the bits that get taken out...

DN: I didn't say rather before.

NP: .. starting now.

CF: The bits that get taken out...

WHISTLE

NP: Well an interesting situation at the end of that round which is also the end of the contest. Peter Jones came at the end with a flourish but he still finished in fourth place, I'm sorry to say. He couldn't quite catch up Derek Nimmo who finished in third place. And Clement Freud with those last two points finished equal alongside Sheila Hancock, our two winners this week! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.