ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Barry Took and Tim Brooke-Taylor in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again our four intrepid experts of the game, well two experts and two guests, Barry Took and Tim Brooke-Taylor, our guests, are going to try and speak if they can on the subject that I will give them. And they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Peter Jones will you begin the show the week and the subjects enough money. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PETER JONES: Well of course it depends what your needs are. Some people require more than others because they desire very expensive and elaborate lives which involve ah yachts and expensive hotels, rich wine and food and clothing that comes from very um...


NP: And er Barry Took has challenged.


NP: Why?

BT: I haven't the faintest idea! The poor chap seemed to be floundering a bit.

PJ: I was, I said um.

NP: Well that's a hesitation Barry, you're new to the game.

BT: Ah!

NP: Yes!

BT: I, I, I've written it down but I can't read my own writing!

NP: Yes hesitation.

BT: And the subject is?

NP: The subject is enough money and there are 38 seconds left and you start now.

BT: Well erm if I had enough money...


NP: And Ken...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I distinctly heard an er.

NP: There definitely was an er, yes.

KW: I'm surprised at Barry Took, as a matter of fact! I would have expected better! I mean. after all he has been on it before.


NP: Barry Took has challenged you.

KW: Sorry, what was that?

BT: Deviation.

KW: Quite right! Quite right! Have the subject back then, he's quite right!

NP: No, so Kenneth, no you had a correct challenge, you get a point of course for the correct challenge. You take over the subject which is enough money and there are 36 seconds left starting now.

KW: There is an old expression prevalent in this country and all who occupy the region will be aware of it. Love or money. I wouldn't have it for, and then this expression is repeated. I can't, of course...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor has challenged.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR: Repetition, expression.

NP: Yes. What a...

KW: You're very sharp! He's sharp, isn't he! He's very sharp, yes! Very good! Very good!

NP: That's why we asked him on the programme...

TBT: Oh dear oh dear!

NP: You...


BT: Deviation!

NP: And Barry's challenged again! It's more profitable to challenge in the actual round, Barry.

KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Quite right! Quite right! No, he's got to, he's got to keep order! He's the chairman! And it's a lovely job he does! You're very wrong to challenge him, he's a marvellous chairman!

NP: Yes...

KW: Very good! And quite good looking too, isn't he?

NP: It doesn't work on radio! There are 24 seconds for you Tim to take over the subject of enough money starting now.

TBT: Enough money is an impossible subject to discuss with a child who wants pocket money. Should it be index linked, in which case what should it be tied up with. In my day it was a bar of chocolate which cost 3D. Now a modern child would choose something that would be more expensive than this. For example he would want a yacht or he would want a motor boat or this is what my...


NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of he would want.

NP: Yes! The whole of the phrase!

TBT: You've heard my child?

NP: And you got in very cleverly Peter, with two seconds to go on enough money and you start now.

PJ: Some people never do have it...


NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. Peter Jones did just that and at the end of the round he is one ahead of all the others. Kenneth will you take the second round, the subject, what I like best. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: What I like best is a bracing walk along the front with the briny air in the nostrils. And then, what more delicious than a plate of cockles at Southend-on-Sea! Washed down if you can get it with a drop of milk stout! On to smoked haddock monte carlo. What a delicious concoction this represented. It's almost impossible for me to describe the flavours that glide across the palate! Even as it's touching my sensitive hordes and taste buds! All...


NP: Barry Took has challenged you. Barry what is your challenge?

BT: I, I thought I had to. He was going red in the face! I mean it is a bit of a puzzle when you're sitting next to him!

NP: I know! It is a strain! So we give Barry Took a bonus point for rescuing Kenneth from er a fate worse than death! But Kenneth you have to continue because you didn't actually deviate in any of the faults of the game. So you have erm 18 seconds to continue on what I like best...


NP: And Tim has challenged now.

TBT: He's still red in the face, I'd like a point for rescuing him!

NP: Tim's a guest, give him a point as well! All right, so there are 18 seconds for you Kenneth on what I like best, but one to Kenneth because it was a wrong challenge, starting now.

KW: What I like best is the company of civilised people who have gentle well-modulated tones and who speak almost as beautifully as...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he won't find them at Southend!


PJ: And if he likes Southend best, he can't...

NP: You are right Peter, you are right! So Peter's got in this time with two and a half seconds to go...

KW: He's just cheating! He's just doing it in the last two seconds! I mean that is disgraceful isn't it! Don't you agree! Just getting it on the last two seconds!


KW: He's... look at him! He's gone white! He knows he's done wrong!

NP: Because Clement Freud is not here to get in with just two seconds to go, Peter Jones is achieving it! Peter, the subject, what I like best starting now.

PJ: Well I like Penzance...


NP: And Barry challenged. Why did you challenge Barry?

BT: I don't like Penzance!

KW: Oh!

BT: Of the two I prefer Southend and I think it's a perfectly legitimate challenge!

NP: I think it's an illegitimate challenge but thank you very much for your contribution.

BT: You're very welcome.

NP: And Peter you continue with one second, what I like best starting now.

PJ: Chocolate ice cream...


NP: At the end of that round including getting a point for speaking as the whistle went, you might be not surprised to hear that Peter Jones has leapt forward and he has a strong lead. Tim Brooke-Taylor will you begin the next round, the subject, my best conjuring trick.

TBT: My best...

NP: If you have any or not, I don't know, it doesn't matter. Don't look shocked or offended, I just, so we start the watch on time, I say...

TBT: I mean Nicholas, do you want to do the subject or not?

NP: I've just done it.

TBT: Oh okay! How many did I get?

NP: The only reason, because Ian Messiter is a little deaf, um, he's getting on you see, I have to say start now so he can press the little nipple on the watch at that particular moment.

TBT: The nipple? Did you, did... did Nicholas Parsons say nipple?

NP: Yes!

TBT: I think... I can die happy!

BT: But not for another half an hour or so!

TBT: Not for half an hour, okay, sorry!

NP: As someone who was an engineer before he was an actor, there are plenty of nipples in the engineering world. And there is a nipple on this watch here. The subject was my best conjuring trick starting now.

TBT: My best conjuring trick involved a comparatively empty cylinder, at least it appears that to the audience. From which I produce flags of all the nation. Portugal, Spain, Germany, Italy, Belgium, France, Great Britain, United States of America, Canada, Bolivia, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, China, Russia, Norway, Finland...


NP: Kenneth...

KW: Deviation! This is just a list of places, I mean it's nothing to do with conjuring! Surely it's supposed to be about conjuring, isn't it?

NP: Well...

KW: Where does conjuring come into it, just reciting a lot of places?

TBT: I've got to describe the trick!

KW: What?

TBT: Flags of all the nations, I've got to describe all the flags and I...

NP: Ah you weren't actually describing the flags, you were then going through a list of flags. And you were no longer describing your best conjuring trick. You were just listing the flags...

TBT: You haven't seen it! How can you possibly...

NP: I don't think you've ever seen it either!

PJ: And after that I don't want to see it!

NP: I think Kenneth's challenge is legitimate! Kenneth...

TBT: Oh outrageous! Just because he normally plays this game! It's outrageous!

NP: He doesn't play it normally! He plays it very...

TBT: (laughs) You've said nipple and made me laugh! I'm really upset!

NP: Kenneth you have 30 seconds on my best conjuring trick starting now.

KW: It is to produce a hard boiled egg from apparently someone else's coat, but in fact it comes from my own...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor's challenged.

KW: I'm not even started! I'm not hardly under way!

NP: And he has challenged you. Tim?

TBT: It was the coming from that seemed to be repeated.

NP: Yes.

TBT: Comes from, comes from.

NP: Yes it did, I'm so sorry Kenneth. So Tim has the subject back again, another point...

TBT: Oh I wish I hadn't now!

NP: Well 18 seconds on my best conjuring trick starting now.

TBT: The reason I now perform in the comedic field is because I was first a conjurer. And like a lot of entertainers my conjuring tricks went completely wrong. I could produce four aces but I couldn't in fact, it came out as two queens. Two aces and...


NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of two.

NP: And aces.

PJ: Yeah, and aces as well.

NP: Far too many aces there in your hand Tim. There are four and a half seconds Peter...

TBT: Oh! Oh!

KW: He's doing it again!

TBT: Oh yes oh! Oh hate hate hate!

NP: My best conjuring trick starting now.

PJ: Well I put a pound note inside a balloon, then I blow it up and I...


KW: If we'd, if I'd had a chance, I'd have got him on deviation, he's never put a pound note in a balloon in his life! You'll never get a pound note off him, let alone anything else! He's got a burglar alarm on the dustbin, that one, I can tell you!

NP: Peter Jones was again speaking as the whistle went so he gained an extra point for doing so and has increased his lead. Barry Took will you begin the next round, the subject is reviews. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now.


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: What happened Barry? It was a silent review was it? Because there was two seconds, I'm afraid even though you are a guest... is somebody working you...

KW: Can't you see he's got laryngitis? You can tell his voice has gone.


NP: And Tim has challenged.

TBT: I'd like to say that he was doing an impersonation of Marcel Marceau doing a review. I think it's perfectly reasonable!

NP: But it's not very good radio unfortunately.

TBT: Why change the habit of a lifetime, Nicholas?

NP: Kenneth you have the subject with 58 seconds, reviews starting now.

KW: I had the most wonderful experience in such an entertainment when I came on in this monk's habit. And had to... do...


NP: Barry Took has challenged.

BT: Had, to, er, do.

KW: Well I was a bit skipping.

BT: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Barry. So you have the subject back of revues and there are 49 seconds left starting now.

BT: Share My Lettuce, Pieces Of Eight, One Over The.


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged.

TBT: Ah hesitation I thought.

NP: Yes! Tim has the subject, there are 45 seconds, the subject is reviews and Tim you start now.

TBT: Nicholas Parsons is appalling, boring, self-satisfied and smug is my opinion...


NP: Ah Barry Cryer challenged.

BT: No I didn't.

KW: He's not Barry Cryer! What are you talking about? What a chairman! He can't even get the names right! What a chairman!

TBT: Goes to pieces under criticism, doesn't he! Have you noticed?

NP: Yes! I'm so shattered that I suddenly thought that it was my friend Barry Cryer, crying out for help.

KW: You got all your cards wrong! They ought to give him his cards, this one!

NP: So Barry Took, what is your challenge?

BT: Well I challenge that I'm not Barry Cryer! Although right now I'm having severe doubts about that as well! I think he was deviating, going off about you when he should have been going on about revue or...

TBT: This was, this was one of the reviews that would hurt the ego of an actor, is what I was going on to say.

NP: But actually Tim...

BT: We never got that far!

NP: Actually Tim it wasn't...

TBT: Well I must be allowed to finish my sentence!

BT: Of course not!

NP: It wasn't actually a review...

TBT: It was a review!

NP: No, it was not a review...

TBT: I read it last week!

NP: A review is a, a review is a review of a person's performance.

TBT: I could produce the piece of paper if you want it. I didn't want to have to mention this Nicholas!

NP: No it was a comment of a journalist.

TBT: Well that is a review of a programme.

NP: It was not a review of a programme...

BT: Look, could we get on? My pills are beginning to wear off!

PJ: I think it was a thinly veiled insult!

BT: I've got a night job to go to!

NP: Barry Took you have the subject of reviews again and there are 40 seconds starting now.

BT: I was in a revue called For Amusement Only. And another one with adults in the title. What a cast they were in those days, Ron Moody, Hugh Paddock, Thelma Ruby, Pat Lancaster, Jimmy Thompson, Vivienne Marsden...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition, he's just repeating the names of the cast.

NP: Well then what's it a repetition of? He wasn't repeating any words. So he's entitled to continue and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

BT: There was...


PJ: What was that about the flags?

KW: Hesitation I'm afraid! Hesitation!

NP: Yes it was Kenneth, you have the subject of revues, 25 seconds starting now.

KW: I went to one of the shows that Barry has just discussed. And loved it! When a girl came on, ala pantomime, and cried "here's a piano in the wood, a song and dance will do us good", my laughter rang through the auditorium. And when afterwards I visited them backstage because I was a well-loved and trusted old chum...


NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point and other points in the round and has leapt forward into second place. Peter, the subject, my flamenco dancing. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well it's something I indulge in private. Early in the morning I wake up and fortunately I always keep a pair of castanets...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor has challenged you.

TBT: If that's not deviation, I'd like to know what is.

NP: What, waking up?

TBT: No, doing this early in the morning in his own privacy. I think that's the most devious thing I've ever heard!

NP: I imagine it's the way you do it actually Tim.

TBT: You can imagine all you like Nicholas, but...

NP: So I don't think he was technically deviating from the subject on the card, you see, and that's really the rules of the game. So Peter keeps the subject and there are 52 seconds, my flamenco dancing starting now.

PJ: Castanets are under the pillow, and my wife is next to me and I invite...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged.

TBT: Hesitation.

NP: I agree with that, yes Tim. So you have the subject this time with 47 seconds on my flamenco dancing starting now.

TBT: My flamenco dancing is a grave disappointment to my family. The original reason for flamenco dancing, and I hesitated on myself and I'm going to die!


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes if he hadn't drawn attention to it he might have let you keep going. Peter you have 32 seconds on my flamenco dancing starting now.

PJ: My spouse is a consenting adult and we stand by the bedroom window, having opened it. We breathe in and we start stamping around with this flamenco dancing to the accompaniment of a gramophone record which is now worn almost thin by constant repetition. And I do find that... this...


NP: Kenneth challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was hesitation. His, his flamenco was really running down, wasn't it. Ah Kenneth you have eight seconds on my flamenco dancing starting now.

KW: Flamenco dancing is best done with flamencos, and what you do is get hold of the feathers, because they're birds...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor's challenged.

TBT: What are flamencos? That is deviation if ever I heard it! I'd, I'd like to see it...

KW: It's a legitimate point, give him a point.

NP: Absolutely yes!

KW: I mean you can't deny he is a guest. He's a guest.

NP: It's better, it's better with a flamingo actually than a fla...

KW: That is what I was getting mixed up with! You're right! You caught me out! You're very clever!

NP: Yes!

KW: Yes!

NP: I knew what you were trying to say...

KW: Yes!

NP: I'm afraid Tim got in there with three seconds to go on my flamenco dancing starting now.

TBT: Killing the...


NP: And Barry Took has challenged.

KW: Hesitation I'm afraid.

BT: Hesitation I'm afraid.

NP: (laughs) Did you know why...

BT: As my learned leader has so wisely pointed out!

NP: Yes! Right so you have the subject...

TBT: You're not seriously going to accept that challenge?

KW: You can't argue with him! He's the chairman!

TBT: Oh dear oh!

KW: Do you think you're running the game! You've only been here one week! It's a disgrace!

TBT: I've taught my children to respect the referee, the referee is always right! I hope they're not listening to this programme!

NP: Right! It was one and a half seconds without uttering a sound Tim.

TBT: No it wasn't! You hear it back, those people who taped it at home. Was Nicholas Parsons lying or was he a nickel?

NP: Barry you have one and a half seconds on my flamenco dancing starting now.

BT: My first...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged.

TBT: Hesitation without...

NP: No! It was hardly half a second!

TBT: My flamenco... Have I started yet or not?

NP: One second Barry...

TBT: Oh come on Nicholas! Don't be silly! It's getting serious!

NP: .... my flamenco dancing starting now.

BT: Flamenco dancing...


BT: And may I add, Mister Chairman, ole!

TBT: No wonder people are leaving this programme in droves! Oh!

NP: Well at the end of that round it's becoming a very even contest. Peter Jones is still in the lead but he's closely followed now by Barry Took and Kenneth Williams and only one point behind them lies Tim Brooke-Taylor. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, news. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: There has been incredible pieces about this, you know. Bringing the good news from A to Ghent, and how it flashed across the telegraph wires when Marconi did that incredible bit of inventing and in the process conveyed such news as was to be incriminating...


NP: Barry Took has challenged you.

BT: I thought you were slowing down, old fruit.

NP: He was...

KW: I wasn't, it was going to be incriminating, they caught the murderer.

NP: Yes if you'd gone any slower, it would have been hesitation. You got about as slow as anybody...

KW: Why don't you shut your great mouth? You great nit!

NP: This is the person he described as a superb chairman a moment ago.

KW: Oh well I must have been out of my head!

BT: Don't change the subject, Kenneth!

NP: Kenneth you could only just keep going but um so but there are 37 seconds on news starting now.

KW: And once I conveyed news by calling out "Star! News! Standard!" and then "Fi-ga-rooooo". And I sang this so beautifully that people said "how amazing! Your vocal control is extraordinary! That is news in itself!" Who was I to differ? I had to agree, of course wholeheartedly I was with them. But news in the sense you open the paper and think "what new scandal will be unfurled today, what outrageous..."


NP: So Kenneth Williams started with the subject and in spite of being interrupted in the middle, still continued to the end and kept it throughout. So Kenneth you got two points in that round, you're now in second place ahead of Barry Took and Tim Brooke-Taylor. Peter Jones in the lead. And Tim to begin the next round, the subject, arithmetic. Will you tell us something about that in the game Tim, starting now.

TBT: Arithmetic, is that quick enough for you? Arithmetic, I've repeated arithmetic, I'm allowed to repeat arithmetic. But it's a subject I taught in a school at one stage. I knew very little about it. I stood by the blackboard and... set myself about this...


NP: Barry Took has challenged.

BT: Well if Tim doesn't know why I challenged, nobody does!

TBT: The chairman's quite clearly on your side.

NP: Well you'd better say something.

BT: Yes he deviated and he was not, he didn't deviate at all, he hesitated and was rather um ah ah lacklustre about the whole thing.

NP: Yeah he was lacklustre. He stumbled over a word...

BT: He stumbled over, that's the very phrase I was seeking.

NP: Yes but he didn't actually come to a complete pause. So let's give him the benefit of the doubt as I gave Barry the benefit of the tout, the doubt, the tout! So Tim, I try to be fair, you see, you keep the subject, there are 47 seconds on arithmetic starting now.

TBT: Two and...


NP: And that, Peter?

PJ: Definite hesitation there.

NP: That was definite, I'm sorry. Um there are 40...

TBT: You're not sorry at all! Look at him! He's gone all...

BT: This game is like spending 30 minutes in a spin dryer!

TBT: How would you know?

BT: You don't know my deviation!

TBT: I do now!

NP: Don't repeat them here please!

BT: I'm awfully sorry! Speaking as Barry Cryer, I'd like to say...

TBT: He's the one in the beard!

NP: Yes he's been with us before and he will come again. There are 44 seconds...

BT: He will come amongst us!

NP: Arithmetic is the subject and Peter Jones has it and he starts now.

PJ: Arithmetic is one of those things that lots of people boast they're not good at, like telling lies and burgling. I don't know why it is but they do tend to believe that other people will be impressed with some spiritual quality if they confess that mathematics is beyond them. I don't know why that is. It's always baffled me because...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor has challenged.

TBT: That was deviation on to mathematics. It's a much broader subject.

NP: It's a much broader subject but he, he can still go on. Arithmetic is part of mathematics and he was...

BT: Good heavens above! I didn't know that!

NP: ... addressing his...

TBT: If we can go into totally different areas, that's fair enough.

NP: He was not deviating in my mind from the subject of arithmetic. A very good attempt Tim, but...

TBT: Thank you! Two points!

NP: I leave it with Peter, with 22 seconds starting now.

PJ: Thank heavens we are blessed with a chairman who has a brilliant mathematical mind, and is able to juggle the figures in favour of which ever participant in the game he selects that particular evening...


NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged.

TBT: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he was stumbling over his words, and we call that hesitation. So Tim you have it again, arithmetic, seven and a half seconds starting now.

TBT: Spot the deliberate mistake, and the pupils would look up at the sum that I had done on the board and desperately to find, to find out what I had actually...


NP: Barry challenged.

BT: I just er, ah, er, why.

NP: Yes...

BT: I put that down as a certain element of hesitation.

NP: Yes definitely Barry and you have the subject with two seconds on arithmetic starting now.

BT: I feel that arithmetic is one of the most noble of all things...


NP: So Barry Took was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's now equal with Kenneth Williams. They are five points behind our leader Peter Jones, and Tim is only one point behind them. And Barry Took, will you begin the next round, the, the subject is letters I love. Will you tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now.

BT: The letters I love most have money in them. Or contracts. Praise comes high on my list, and loves and lives and other people's experiences that come flooding in on this wonderful television programme that I have the honour to present, Points Of View. No home should be without it! Every week enjoying the air waves, making mischief and nonsense, and serious subjects being criticised deeply by the punters that actually pay their license fee to the BBC is quite interesting...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: Er deviation.

NP: Of course! Letters I love, he's going off about his programme.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Deviation from the game, the subject.

BT: But I love everything!

NP: Radio, from everything!

BT: Good heavens!

NP: How dare you promote another programme while you're playing Just A Minute? Ooooohh!

PJ: It was, it was really verging on an ego trip, wasn't it!

NP: It was deviation from letters I love. So there are 30 seconds for you Peter Jones, on letters I love starting now.

PJ: The letters that I love are mostly ones that have never yet arrived. And I'm still waiting for them. Other letters that I look forward to receiving are congratulations from Billy Cotton Junior. And perhaps something from the Queen. And er who else...


NP: And Tim Brooke-Taylor has challenged.

TBT: That's hesitation.

NP: Yes there were a number of ers there, yes.

PJ: Well that was a mark of respect for the Sovereign!

NP: Yes! Rather strange that you mentioned the Queen and then you erred. There are two seconds with you Tim, you got in just before the whistle, letters I love starting now.

TBT: The letter would be "please come and accept..."


NP: And we have reached the end of the round and the end of the contest unfortunately because we've enjoyed playing it, in spite of all the banter that goes on, we've had a good time, we hope you have. I'll tell you the final score, it was very interesting. Our two guests, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Barry Took came equal with Kenneth Williams in second place. Three seconds, one winner, Peter Jones! They all contributed their usual good value and entertainment talent and rudery. And we do hope you've enjoyed it all and will want to tune in again when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.