JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,JMarsh
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and JEAN MARSH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 October 1973)

NOTE: Derek Nimmo's 100th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Jean Marsh in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. As you've just heard in the announcement, this week we are delighted to welcome that distinguished actress Jean Marsh. Who very... nobly has come along here to fill the fourth seat and do battle with these regular and intrepid disgraceful exponents of the game. Just To remind you I'm going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we're going to begin with Kenneth and the subject Kenneth is exhortations. Would you go on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Not to be confused with exultation, exhortation generally is a method, verbal or written, of persuasion to another or many people to lead a better life. You could say "oh come all ye faithful..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek has Nimmo has challenged you. Derek?

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, it doesn't necessarily mean to exhort people to lead a better life. It could be to exhort people to lead...

KW: I didn't say, I said often. Not all.

NP: Derek, he is still an exhortation, whether it be to a better life or a worse life. So...

DN: It's all right.

NP: I disagree with the challenge and Kenneth gets a point for a wrong challenge. He keeps the subject and there are 43 seconds left starting now.

KW: I'm sure Derek would not disagree that Saint Paul to the Corinthians was exhorting them. And in the same way you could say that the words of Arthur from the Barge, (goes into high speed almost unintelligible recitation)"let thy voice
Rise like a fountain for me night and day.
For what are men better than sheep or goats
That nourish a blind life within the brain,
If, knowing God, they lift not hands of prayer
Both for themselves and those who call them friend?
For so the whole wide world is every way
Bound by gold chains about the feet of God."
What finer exhortation could find you than that? I challenge you to mention anything more uplifting, more spiritually...

BUZZ

NP: Derek has challenged you again. Yes why?

DN: He just challenged me so I accept the challenge!

NP: Well Derek's accepted your challenge but I disagree with the challenge, because you weren't hesitating or deviating. You might have been deviating because we couldn't hear what you were talking about half the time! But Kenneth you have another point and five seconds on exhortations starting now.

KW: (speaks in what sounds like Latin)

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth you were speaking when the whistle went. As everybody knows whoever is doing that on that precise moment gets an extra point. Kenneth at the end of that round, you're the only one to have got any points at all.

KW: Oh good!

NP: So you have leapt into a commanding lead with the others yet to score. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject, how to live a long time. Would you talk to us for 60 seconds on that starting now.

DN: Richard Algernon Frederick Howe in 1827 was walking towards Scarborough, rather in the same way that Saint Paul was on his way to Damascus. And he had a similar blinding flash, rather, perhaps in a way to be akin to the letter that Saint Paul that I already mentioned before. But nobody's buzzed me so I can go on. So it wrote (laughs)... and nobody's buzzing me at all, are they? Never mind...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has buzzed you. What is your challenge?

PETER JONES: That er he was hesitating.

NP: Yes.

PJ: And laughing.

NP: I agree with your challenge, you have a point and there are 36 seconds on how to live a long time starting now.

PJ: I think the best way is to live each day as it comes in a relaxed and happy manner. Not taking part in the rat race at all, but allowing these rodents to go past one on their way to some kind of born from which no traveller returns....

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well he's obviously coming to a dreadful halt!

NP: But he hasn't yet reached the dreadful halt! So he hasn't actually hesitated. So he gets a point and keeps the subject. There are 14 seconds left Peter starting now.

PJ: And I think yoghurt eaten at crack of dawn is an awfully good thing or brown sugar, molasses, they're very good for making it more palatable. And the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I'm sorry, it was Jean who challenged.

JEAN MARSH: For making what more palatable?

PJ: The yoghurt.

NP: So what is your challenge Jean?

JM: Oh well I'd forgotten about yoghurt, it was such a long time ago.

PJ: It wasn't very long!

NP: It was actually only seven seconds ago but...

JM: It seemed like a minute.

PJ: It doesn't, I mean, seven seconds is no time when you're trying to describe how to live for a long time.

NP: Derek, I'm sorry, Peter I disagree with the challenge so you have two seconds left on the subject starting now.

PJ: Keep breathing!

WHISTLE

NP: Well all the points scored in that round went to Peter Jones and he's taken the lead over Kenneth. And um Peter will you begin the next round, it's your turn. The subject, bath. Would you talk to us about that, you can take it obviously any way you wish, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: What a glorious city, pearl of the west country! Patronised by the Romans, immortalised by Richard Brinsley Sheridan in that great comedy, The Rivals. I myself have actually appeared at the Theatre Royal in that...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, it's a plug about him! It's nothing to do with Bath! It's deviation!

PJ: I thought it was a plug for Bath!

NP: Yes!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the audience applause...

KW: Of course they're applauding his vanity! It's a disgrace!

NP: Whether it's vanity or not, he didn't deviate from the subject of Bath. So Peter you have another point and you have 45 seconds on Bath starting now.

PJ: And on that happy occasion many years ago, I stayed with Mrs Gough of Nelson Villas, one of the finest theatrical landladies it's been my privilege to stay with. Unfortunately she's passed on. However much of this great city remains...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of city.

NP: Yes, he also said stay twice which you missed. Derek you have a correct challenge and you have the subject of Bath with a point of course for a correct challenge and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

DN: That wonderful man of Bath, Bo Nash. How like Kenneth Williams, a little plumper one might think. But there a great arbiter of fashion, of taste, an exquisite, a dandy, a fop, man of his time like the aforesaid mentioned colleague over the other side of the counter sitting there now. What a man of amusement who rules...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I'm afraid you did say what a man twice.

NP: Yes, what a man!

KW: I mean it's quite justified, he's absolutely right to look at me and say "what a man!" I do, I understand your motives.

NP: Yes.

KW: My breast swells with pride. It really does.

NP: But your finer instincts, to get a point for yourself overruled those.

KW: Yes! That's right.

NP: You challenged and you have a correct challenge and there are eight seconds on Bath starting now.

KW: It's best to get into it with a sponge under the posterior. Then you don't feel the cold of the porcelain...

BUZZ

NP: Jean you challenged you, Jean Marsh.

JM: Well you wouldn't feel any cold because you have a hot bath and the water would have heated the bath.

NP: Exactly.

JM: So deviation.

NP: Exactly Jean, yes. And I cannot believe...

DN: He's so much a man he gets in a cold bath.

NP: ... that Kenneth ever gets into a cold bath. So Jean, the cold of the porcelain has got you a point and you have two seconds on the subject of bath starting now.

JM: I rarely if ever have one...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jean Marsh managed to do the trick that so many of them try to do, get in just before the whistle, which means she was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. She has now two points, she's in third place behind Kenneth, Peter's still in the lead. And Jean would you begin the next round, the subject is what's in a sausage. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds beginning now.

JM: Well what's in a sausage varies. And what goes into mine doesn't necessarily go into yours, or what's on sale in the High Street. I've got a sausage at home that I made yesterday because I am a well known cook. But the last sausage I ate out in public was in a foreign restaurant. I thought it was so delicious that I congratulated the owner. Of the cafe, not the sausage! I said to him "isn't it good, it's got much more personality than your average British banger". And he said "yes it would do, it's got more horse in it." It was the more that made me, you look sad to Kenneth, it made me very sad at the thought of all these sausages all over the world having some in. Now mine at home have no... only...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DN: Repetition of home.

NP: Derek you have 18 seconds on what's in a sausage starting now.

DN: Frederick Watt was a missionary who went out to Botswana in 1820. And unfortunately the head of this particular tribe had a very keen sausage meater, maker, and...

BUZZ

NP: And Jean has challenged.

JM: There's no such thing as a sausage meater.

DN: Have you never met a sausage? Then you're a sausage meeter!

LAUGHTER FROM JM AND THE AUDIENCE

JM: I don't accept it!

NP: Yes!

JM: You don't meet sausages, you eat them!

NP: But of course, you meant, you, you were actually referring to the hesitation that he did just before he said that, weren't you?

JM: Yes it was.

NP: Thank goodness you said yes! You get a point and you have 10 seconds on what's in a sausage starting now.

JM: I'm sure everybody would like to know what's in mine. You take the neck of a goose, turn it inside out and tie one end with strong white cotton and then make the stuffing which is ground veal...

WHISTLE

NP: Jean Marsh was then speaking as the whistle went and you will be delighted and surprised to hear that she has leapt into the lead alongside Peter Jones at the end of that round.

KW: Where am I?

NP: You're going to speak next.

KW: Well how many points have I got?

NP: You've got four points. You got them all in a great big bang like that and you're still there.

PJ: You leapt into the rear!

KW: Oh thanks!

NP: But we've got a subject that Ian's specially thought of for you. He knows that you'll enjoy talking about Paul Cezanne. So would you talk about him for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: His painting I know vert little about, but his relationships I have some knowledge of. There was a deep friendship formed with Vola, and when he practically lampooned him or sent him up, depending on which definition you prefer, as Lontierre, the relationship became strained to say the least. And he transferred his affections to this Camille Pissarro. Well when the Franco-Prussian War broke out, they both thought "hello, best to get out of it!" And they came out of it and went... oh, I said out of it twice...

BUZZ

NP: Oh you often get away with it if you keep going! Yes Derek challenged you.

DN: Oh repetition.

NP: Get out of it, yes Derek you have the subject of Paul Cezanne and you have 22 seconds starting now.

DN: See, I think probably The Bridge On The River Mahon was his most influential painting in many ways. Of course the interesting thing, as Mister Williams has already said, he's told us, is that Pissarro was his great friend, chum and guiding light. And yet not for one moment did Cezanne become a Funtilist. Now this you might think surprising but I suppose if you look at the place that he was ruling...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went. He gained the extra point and he's moved forward alongside Kenneth Williams into third place. And Peter will you begin the next round, the subject, delightfully British, prunes and custard. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well that doesn't have to be a dreary canteen dish. It can be quite exciting if you immerse the prunes in British wine, apricot or peach for two or three weeks so that it gets the, they get the flavour of it...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think so, yes. You have 43 seconds starting now.

KW: I was offered it once in a hospital and I said "no thanks, I don't want to be up half the night!" And they said "you've got to, there's no alternative." I said "get out of it," I said, "don't you talk to me about alternatives," I said, "you're supposed to be running..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of alternative.

NP: Yes there were too many alternatives in your prunes and custard. Eighteen seconds on prunes and custard with you Derek starting now.

DN: I think of all the kind of English fodder that one is occasionally presented with, prunes and custard...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, prunes and custard can never be referred to as fodder!

NP: Well in one sense anything that you eat can be described as fodder...

KW: No, it's not, fodder is what cattle...

NP: It may be a vulgar or slang way of doing it.

KW: No, it's described in the dictionary as food for cattle. You try running a restaurant and putting up outside "fodder offered"!

LAUGHTER FROM JM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think it would be a very good idea. I think a lot of people going into...

DN: Kenny, you were telling me only the other day you'd had your oats and you didn't think you'd be in the...

KW: How dare you! You shouldn't be repeating stuff like that in here!

NP: I think slang in slang expression, you could say fodder could be described as food. Nine seconds, on prunes and custard Derek starting now.

DN: Plums have to be let go fairly rotten and dried up before you get the...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: Certainly not rotten! Deviation!

DN: Quite right! Absolutely right! Give her a point!

NP: So Jean has a point and eight seconds on prunes and custard starting now.

JM: If prunes and custard are made well they go down extremely deliciously, especially after a home-made sausage. And if anybody wants to know how to make...

WHISTLE

NP: Jean Marsh will you begin the next round, the subject enough. Will you talk on that rather, oh yes, it's a very difficult one, isn't it. Enough starting now.

JM: I can't, I've never had enough! When I was a little girl, my mother used to say to me "the trouble with you is that you don't know when you've had enough!" But I haven't had it so how could I tell? And this feast that everyone talks about, that enough is as good as, it's never come my way. It may have come yours. Enough! I mean it's like sufficient unto the day of the evil thereof. I don't know what that means. I wish somebody would buzz me so that I could learn what it means...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has buzzed you. I didn't hear it but the light came on.

PJ: Well she said she wanted someone to buzz her and naturally I obliged! Um...

NP: So think of a challenge!

PJ: Yes! Um ah repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Ah um mother!

NP: She said come three times.

PJ: Did she? Oh well, come! Repetition of come! Ah...

NP: Well she did repeat herself so we give it to you Peter, 35 seconds on enough starting now.

PJ: Well some people I know cannot get enough. And I've had enough of them! Because it really is so terribly boring. I feel that one should try and make do with what one has. If one can't...

BUZZ


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Three ones.

NP: Three?

KW: One should make do, one can't and one should and one ought.

PJ: Yes I think he ought to have it. Because he's losing anyway.

KW: Exactly!

NP: He's not losing by much, but we don't usually...

PJ: No, but I don't often have the opportunity to be generous!

NP: As you're one behind, and you challenged on one, we'll give it to you Kenneth. And you have 22 seconds on enough starting now.

KW: This always occurs when you have reached the point where the stomach is so to speak satiated. You could say if it were liquid you were imbibing, saturated, you see, as opposed to succurated or succuration, not to be confused with cyanide...

BUZZ

NP: Jean, Jean Marsh has challenged, why?

JM: Well it's, it's all very informative and instructive, but how is it anything to do with the game? I mean it's nothing to do with enough.

NP: What is your challenge, my love?

JM: It's deviation.

NP: Yeah he wasn't, he wasn't deviating from enough. One second left starting now.

KW: You can never get enough of me!

WHISTLE

KW: That's an absolute fact!

NP: Ah Kenneth you got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went and you have at the end of that round leapt into the lead!

KW: Good!

NP: Oh usually when I say that, they applaud! Obviously you haven't got your usual fan club with you this week Kenneth.

KW: No! Very nice.

NP: They're the ones that support you and shout.

KW: Very nice indeed.

NP: And you'll never guess what the next subject is on the card...

KW: What is it then Nicholas?

NP: It's for you to start, it is leaping into the lead.

KW: Leaping into the lead?

NP: Yes.

KW: I see, mmm.

NP: Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This has happened to me on this game, not frequently but on one or two quite delicious occasions. I am not extremely fluent. It is not one of my great talents to be able to speak ad lib...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: Deviation, he is extremely fluent and it is one of his talents to be able to speak ad lib!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: That's one of those impossible decisions because he didn't deviate from the subject on the card. Kenneth, 43 seconds on leaping into the lead starting now.

KW: And of course it happened to this incredible man, Mister Vattopeck. And in fact I said to him after "how did you manage it on that last lap?" And he said "out of breath though I was, and the spirit low, I still had that what you might call reservoir of inner energy, giving me the, the..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation. Two thes on the end.

NP: Yes he hesitated, he didn't know what that effect was. Twenty-three seconds for you on leaping into the lead Derek starting now.

DN: I remember going into the hundred yard wolf cub egg-and-spoon race. And it was terribly difficult to leap into the lead, because if you think about it, that little object that was balanced on the tiny utensil might easily fall off as you were leaping into the lead. So I was rather naughty, I cheated a bit. I am sorry to confess it. I put a bit of chewing gum on the head of the aforementioned...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged just before the whistle again.

JM: Oh wait there was a little bit of hesitation between said and aforementioned.

DN: Oh!

NP: I don't think I heard it. It was a very good try. This is the thing that Clement Freud tries always when he's with us.

JM: Oh does he?

NP: Yes he always does and usually succeeds. So I'm sorry I can't agree with you so Derek gets a point on a wrong challenge and two seconds on leaping into the lead starting now.

DN: I shall leap into the lead if I win this next point and then I...

WHISTLE

NP: And Derek you have indeed leapt into the lead alongside Kenneth Williams, who's also in the lead with you. And Peter and Jean are only just behind you in second place together. Derek will you begin the next round, what I see through the hole in my fence. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well actually they shot this particular fence last week. He'd been passing counterfeit diamonds. And when I looked through the hole in my fence, I saw a deal of blood and all sorts of nastiness and goo on the pavement. I really felt quite revolted by, and I phoned for the ambulance who came along and put him on a little stretcher and popped him on the back seat and took him away to St Mary Abbot's Hospital. And there a most distinguished...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged you.

JM: You saw an awful lot through this hole, didn't you?

NP: So what is your challenge Jean?

JM: Well it's deviation, it's lying anyway. I mean how could he see all that through a hole in...

NP: I agree with you, I don't think he could have seen right inside the fact that the chap was put inside the ambulance.

JM: And St Mary Abbot Hospital and everything!

NP: So Jean Marsh has a point and she has 36 seconds on what I see through the hole in my fence starting now.

JM: What I see through the hole in my fence is Mister Williams. Obviously not as interesting as this criminal that Derek Nimmo was talking about. But Mmmmm...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Jean, you don't want to start as quick as that, you can't keep up the momentum! Twenty-nine seconds Peter on what I see through the hole in my fence starting now.

PJ: I see the most delightful neighbours having tea on the lawn which they mow every day. And the trees...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, if the tea is on the lawn and they're mowing it, everything's going to be...

LAUGHTER FROM JM AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Having their tea on the lawn which they mow every day!

NP: Kenneth it's still perfectly possible to have tea on the lawn and mow it, but not at the same...

KW: Of course it isn't! That's ludicrous!

NP: It may be ludicrous but we've got to believe that he wasn't deviating...

KW: I haven't spoken for ages!

NP: Well you've just been speaking now to great effect.

KW: No, I mean on the subject.

NP: There are 20 seconds Peter, I disagree with the challenge on tea on your lawn, what I see through the hole in my fence starting now.

PJ: Then later on as the sun sinks in the west...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He's going deliberately slowly to try to get a point! It's so slow it's obvious to me that it's hesitation.

DN: Hear hear!

KW: Hear hear!

NP: You know, it reminded me of somebody else who does it exactly the same here!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And so as I don't allow your challenge, because I don't think he was going slow, and the audience don't, they're just enjoying your antics, Peter gets another point, there are 16 seconds left, what I see through the hole in my fence Peter, starting now.

PJ: They put the lawn mower...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: We're playing keenly now, repetition of they.

NP: Oh I think that's wicked!

DN: Well it's true!

KW: He had a...

DN: It may be wicked but it's true.

NP: If you're going to play as tough as that, I have to be fair. Fourteen seconds on what I see through the hole in my fence Derek starting now.

DN: What I see through the hole in my fence is a great big voluptuous, blonde, nubile woman. And there...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He can't see this woman through this fence that he was talking about earlier!

NP: No!

PJ: He said that he was in hospital!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A very good challenge because you did say the hole in my fence.

DN: Yes but you discredited that one! You took it away from me last time when I got on to that!

NP: No...

DN: You said that fence was impossible to see through! So I've now found another fence. I can't go on looking through the same fence just because I...

NP: You didn't establish that it was another fence. You said it was the hole in my fence. You never said it was another fence. I'm going to be tough with you on this one Derek, as you were tough with Peter. Peter's got a point and there are three seconds on what I see through the hole in my fence starting now.

PJ: Drinks are brought out, the radio is playing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of are!

NP: All right Derek, it's a correct challenge so you have one point left, one second left on what I see through the hole in my fence starting now.

DN: What I see through the hole in my fence...

BUZZ


WHISTLE

NP: Actually Peter's saying to me, during that half second, you did challenge Peter. What was the basis of your challenge?

PJ: Oh I didn't challenge, I put the thing down altogether!

NP: All right, so the last 15 seconds became very keen as you saw. And the end of that round which is also the end of the game because we have no more time to play Just A Minute, Jean Marsh, coming for the first time against these three tough men finished up in fourth place but did jolly well for a first time, I think. Congratulations Jean! You were... only two points behind Kenneth in third place, who was two points behind Peter in second place, who was three points behind this week's winner who was once again Derek Nimmo! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Cassels.