JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,JMarsh
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and JEAN MARSH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 October 1974)

NOTE: Jean Marsh's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Jean Marsh in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well once again our four contestants are going to compete against each other, and try and speak for 60 seconds on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. And we'll start the show this week with Peter Jones, and Peter the subject is making a real fuss. Can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Well not enough people do this. I'd like to encourage it! Now myself I only do it, I think, when I'm in a supermarket and I buy about four pounds worth of groceries, and they want to charge me threepence for a carrier bag. And I resent it and I say "send for the manager" because the poor girl at the cash desk, it's not her responsibility, I realise that. But I think it's monstrous that you're not given some assistance to get this junk out of this place! Don't you agree with me? I'm sure you do...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Well hesitation, he seems to have sort of stopped.

PJ: No, I was interrupted, yes, I thought...

NP: He was asking for Kenneth's opinion, but Kenneth, instead of pressing his buzzer and challenging him, he quite agreed, yes. But Derek got in first with the challenge and Derek I agree with your challenge, he did hesitate. So you gain a point for that and take over the subject, there are 25 seconds left, making a real fuss starting now.

DN: Yes we are far too complacent in this country today. I would like to make a fuss in my borough because the cleaning of the streets is absolutely disgraceful! There are old tin cans, bits of paper, all kinds of muck lying around on the pavement. And nobody comes round and moves them away. My dustbins are not emptied, the...

BUZZ

DN: ... council are lethargic! What's the matter? Who rung? I was going good. I got a lot of words in, didn't I! A lot of words!

NP: Jean Marsh.

JEAN MARSH: There were two dustbins.

NP: No, no, you see dustcart before, and dustbins.

JM: Oh I see.

NP: Very difficult when he goes at that pace.

JM: Yes.

NP: But he often trips himself up, you'll get him! Derek I disagree with Jean's challenge so you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, there are 10 seconds left, making a real fuss starting now.

DN: Sometimes after Mattins, you'll find that people will come up and make a real fuss about the sermon and say "today vicar it was rather boring, I did not like..."

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. At the end of that round it was Derek Nimmo, in fact Derek Nimmo got all the points in that round. he has a lead of three over all the other three competitors. Derek it is your turn so you continue now, with the next round. When it's my turn on the bumper cars, that is the subject, will you talk on it for Just A Minute, you start now.

DN: When it's my turn on the bumper cars, I like to make a real fuss! It is great fun, isn't it, because you get rid of all your inhibitions when you're on the bumper cars. All the time that you spend on the motorway, locked in traffic jams, and you get into your little bumper car and you go the wrong way round and bash everybody. It's such fun and I like it! And I'm rude to people! I shout "whatho, sucks to you! I'm nasty, I must be quite honest! I'm sorry, I must reveal on to you the sort of cad that I really am!"

BUZZ

DN: And somebody buzzed, what?

NP: Yes, Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I must be honest, I must reveal, you did say it twice.

JM: Yes.

NP: Yes um 33 seconds on when it's my turn on the bumper cars starting now.

KW: When it's my turn on the bumper cars, I only hope that I get it to myself. Because sometimes if you're with a companion, they do insist on sharing the seat. Now I find this very restricting because I like to be able to wrench the wheel round at will, and do all those terrible things which you could never do in any other place. I also think that the sparks that are given off are quite frightening...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of think.

NP: Yes you were thinking rather a lot. Of course you must think a lot but you mustn't use the words more than once. Six seconds are left, Peter Jones, and you have the subject now, when it's my turn on the bumper cars, starting now.

PJ: When it's my turn on the bumper cars, I just look the other way. Because I get enough bumps in Oxford Street, Regent Street and points west...

WHISTLE

BUZZ

JM: Oh!

NP: It's a good thing the whistle went on Regent Street, wasn't it.

JM: Yes.

PJ: Well I know, I said points west, I said, and then I was going to go right through the whole metropolitan area, naming every street by street, crescent, terrace and muse!

NP: You wouldn't have got any further than that moment because you said street twice!

JM: I buzzed him on...

NP: And Jean buzzed, but it was just after the whistle went so you were lucky...

PJ: But I had crescent, terrace, muse, and all those you see.

NP: But you still said street twice, but you...

PJ: Anyway what's the point of things what I would have done!

NP: You've done it!

PJ: It's conjectory! You know, I try! I don't often win a point and when I win it, you say "oh it's just as well the whistle went"!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM JM, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: It's appalling! What a depressing man!

NP: Peter can you... you have... you'd make a very good chairman, you know, actually!

PJ: Thanks very much!

NP: You had a point then for speaking when the whistle went, you're in second place at the end of that round, one point behind Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth it's your turn to begin, and the subject is what I put in my faggots. Will you talk about that if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: What I put in my faggots must remain a secret. It's something I cannot possibly discuss. I do it under cover. I do it with the blinds down. I do it when nobody else...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: He's done it too many times!

NP: Yes!

KW: Well you have to with faggots, dear!

NP: Well you can't do it three times in a row like that. Derek I agree with the challenge and you have 45 seconds to continue on what I put in my faggots starting now.

DN: What I put in my faggots, I'm delighted to tell you all about. I wouldn't do it under sheets and in the darkness. I put meat, lovely delicious raw flesh, combined with barley and congealed black blood, and a little tiny touch of parsley, and some green beans chopped very fine, with some tarragon, and herbs and a little strawberry jam...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: Little.

NP: Yes you had lots of littles before. Jean you got in this time, you have five seconds on what I put in my faggots starting now.

JM: First you must get a bladder which is the inside of a pig. You stretch it and then you start to stuff it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that was one of the most vulgar subjects we've had on this programme. And they all got some points from it, and Derek Nimmo's still in the lead. Jean Marsh will you begin the next round, the subject is onions. Can you talk on that subject without breathing and um, there's Just A Minute starting now.

JM: I put a lot of chopped onions into my faggots, of course. But apart from that, onions are an extremely beneficial vegetable to mankind. They're not only delicious to eat, cooked or raw, but actually do you good medicinally. They are very very...

BUZZ

JM: Oh dear!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of very.

NP: Yes, very obviously.

JM: All sorts of things.

PJ: There were.

NP: And there are 43 seconds for onions with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Now first take the onion and peel the outside skin off. And then chop it across. Then turn it at right angles, chop it again...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: Chop.

NP: You were too much chop chop there, yes. Thirty-four seconds Jean, on onions starting now.

JM: I've got a very good tip for the listeners. If you want to eat onions a lot and don't want to taste or smell of them, you must eat about a hundred at one sitting and by so doing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, what was it for?

KW: Well she said eat twice.

NP: I know she did.

JM: Oh dear.

NP: So you have a point for that and there are 23 seconds on onions starting now.

KW: If you want a good tip about onions, the way to cut them up without crying is to put a matchstick in your mouth while you're doing it! Now none of you knew that, did you!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I told him that the other day!

KW: What! No!

JM: And I'm a witness!

PJ: He's using my material!

NP: Give Peter Jones a bonus point for a good challenge, the subject stays with Kenneth, he has 15 seconds on onions starting now.

KW: It is of course an odour, the onion one, which we all object to if we ourselves...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: I don't object to it at all!

KW: Ah you haven't heard, you haven't heard the rest of my sentence.

JM: That we all object to!

KW: And then I was going to say if we hadn't had it ourselves.

NP: Um Jean I don't think he was deviating from the subject of onions and so he keeps it and there are eight seconds starting now.

KW: Poo, what a stink, I have often cried when I have smelled this aroma on the breath of an itinerant pedlar. I don't...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth you got a point for speaking when the whistle went but I'm afraid you're still one point behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones is alongside you in second place and Jean's only one point behind. And Peter it's your turn to begin. Oh it's a lovely subject here, and it's going to give me a lot of problems too. This is a recording of my voice is the subject. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: This is a recording of my voice, well, I suppose it is. I remember the first time I recorded my voice, on the pier at Llandudno...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Well deviation, at this particular moment in time, it's not a recording of his voice. He's speaking live.

NP: Yes but he said I remember the first time I recorded...

DN: No, he said this is a recording of my voice.

JM: It is, by the time he's finished saying it! Definitely!

NP: Because as he said it, it was a recording of his voice.

PJ: Anyway that's the subject! It's the subject!

NP: Yes! And I disagree with Derek's challenge so you have a point Peter, and you have 50 seconds to continue starting now.

PJ: I went into this little place like a telephone box and made an aluminium disc, and took it home, put it on the record player with a wooden needle if you please, because it might have scraped it, you know, or scarred it, wouldn't have been able to hear...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he said "a wooden needle if you please". Well it doesn't please me at all! So it's deviation.

NP: Well that was a figure of speech. You could have had him on deviation when he went in and said he made a metal disc.

KW: That's what I meant! That's what I meant! That's it! Made a metal disc, he didn't make it, yes! Quite right!

NP: The metal disc was made when he went in there. You're too late now Kenneth, no, I mustn't give you challenges. Peter you have a point for an incorrect challenge and you have 38 seconds to continue on this is a recording of my voice starting now.

PJ: And then another time I remember when the first tape recorders came in, they were enormously heavy things and very difficult to move about. And I got one on the first floor with the aid of a crane...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: I honestly don't see what that's got to do with this is a recording of my voice.

KW: Well how else do you make one without the tape recorder, that he was trying to wield round the house.

JM: He was just telling us a very old tale about how heavy recording machines were years ago...

NP: It's very difficult because er you know...

KW: It's not difficult at all! It's perfectly relevant! What are you talking about, you great nit!

NP: Kenneth Williams you can't come all the way...

KW: Oh get on! These procedural wrangles!

NP: ... from Portland Place and call your chairman a great nit!

KW: Oh I beg your pardon! I beg your pardon! That was a figure of speech!

NP: Jean I will agree with your challenge, you have 27 seconds on this is a recording of my voice starting now.

JM: This is a recording of my voice reciting a sonnet of Shakespeare. When in the chronicles of wasted time, I see descriptions of various...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well this is disgraceful! I mean it's deviation!

JM: It isn't!

KW: The subject is this is a recording of my voice and now she's gone off about Shakespeare...

JM: That's what I was doing! I was recording my voice!

KW: ... and reciting! That is nothing to do with recording, this is a recording.

JM: You'd have liked it!

NP: Um Kenneth you haven't spoken on the subject so you take it over and you have 20 seconds on this is a recording of my voice starting now.

KW: This is a recording of my voice is something I don't like hearing. I want always to be hearing live the issues...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of hearing.

NP: Yes all right, all right. I know you're keen! Derek I agree with the challenge, there are 13 seconds on this is a recording of my voice starting now.

DN: I imagine the most frightful job that anybody's ever had in the whole wide world, that poor girl who does the time thing. And says "this is a recording of my voice" when she has...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: She doesn't say "this is a recording of my voice".

NP: No.

DN: Well no, but for her, that is the subject, isn't it, if you think about it.

JM: But you said it as if she said it...

DN: No, I know she doesn't.

PJ: Well if she'd been playing Just A Minute...

JM: You almost said it in parentheses.

NP: Well I think Jean Marsh's challenge is very good, it's always very difficult as I said before to judge. But I would give Jean the benefit here of the doubt and say she has four seconds on this is a recording of my voice starting now.

JM: (sings) And did those feet in ancient times...

WHISTLE

JM: Sorry!

NP: You see it's impossible, because again that was a recording of her voice, because the programme is recorded in case you didn't know...

JM: They're quite likely to scrub it out actually!

NP: Ah oh Ian Messiter who keeps the score for those who write to me and say I don't know how to keep the score, has just pointed out to me that at the end of that round they all got some points. The situation is that they are all equal. It's never happened before! And we continue with er Derek Nimmo, and the subject is hags. No, I must put my glasses on, it's bags, I'm so sorry. Derek can you talk on bags for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I suppose if one is asked to talk bags, one immediately might think about scrubbers from Stoke Newton. But I don't, I think I'll talk about ones that might contain food...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he said we're all going to think this. Well I don't think that immediately at all.

DN: And I...

KW: So therefore you're devious in suggesting that this is a general assumption made when this word is mentioned.

DN: No I didn't say that.

NP: Well Kenneth, when Jean Marsh challenged you on a collective noun, we all, I didn't allow it. So I'm afraid I can't allow it to you now.

KW: Oh so I must give way.

NP: You have no option once the chairman's made a decision!And tell Derek he has um 58 seconds to continue, I'm sorry, you have 53 seconds to continue on bags Derek starting now.

DN: With the film The Great Gatsby, people are now wearing Oxford bags, that is great big floppy trousers that envelop your shoes and are terribly ugly. But everyone's at it, all wearing bags. And canucamide bags. I remember at school having my trousers removed and left in a bed if nettles by some vile boys who all perpetrated this hateful company, and they left me stung all round my nether region. Most unpleasant it was! And other places as well! I don't want to talk about those! But bags can contain things like oranges, now from Saville. Can you imagine a ship unloading bags of fruit. And there's little children rushing towards them picking off the leaves and juicing and chumping through them...

BUZZ

DN: ... taking out the pips, spitting in all directions...

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: (laughs) I can't imagine little children going, rushing for a boat dockside and...

DN: Little boats they are!

JM: Well how do they get them out of the bags!

DN: You are... if you listen, I'll tell you!

JM: There are people, there are men, I can't remember who...

NP: No I agree with Jean's challenge, you'd gone back to Saville, you were thinking of the children of Saville rushing up...

DN: I mentioned Saville!

JM: Do I have to sit here next time? It's ever so dangerous!

NP: It's very dangerous, isn't it.

JM: I'm about to get attacked by...

NP: He's waving his arms about, yes.

JM: Attacked and all sorts of things!

DN: Pardon, you have my...

NP: I must explain, I must explain to the listeners that when Derek really gets going on a subject as he did then, he waves his arms about, he throws his legs in the air, he throws off his Oxford bags and er, he's quite dangerous for somebody sitting there. Jean Marsh you have the subject now of bags, there are 10 seconds left starting now.

JM: I'm not a bad looking woman for my age, but I have to confess I've got bags...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: I think she's a rotten looking woman for her age!

LAUGHTER FROM JM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I will give a point to Jean Marsh for ungallantry there. But she wins it legitimately and there are six seconds on bags Jean starting now.

JM: As I say, I do have bags under...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well she's just repeated herself. She said "as I say, I have bags".

JM: But I hadn't said "as I say" before.

NP: No but you were about to repeat yourself so...

JM: No, I wasn't...

KW: Bags is the subject dear! So she wasn't repeating herself!

NP: Peter Jones has the subject and there are four seconds on bags Peter starting now.

PJ: Well there are all kinds of them all over the place. You can't...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: Three alls.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: All of them all over the place. Well done Jean, you have two seconds on bags starting now.

JM: But I'd still rather have my bags than anybody else's...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Jean Marsh was with us a while ago and she doesn't appear regularly on our programme. She's our guest in the fourth chair. She did tremendously well, you may have listened or heard it and um she won. But she now looks like maybe repeating her performance, she's three points ahead of our other male contestants.

JM: Unbelievable!

NP: Kenneth Williams it's your turn to begin, the subject is Sinbad the sailor. Would you talk about Sinbad the sailor for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

KW: Well of course the original is Sindebad which is one of the characters in this Arabian Nights rubbish which went on a long and on and on and on...

BUZZ

DN: Going on!

NP: Yes Derek Nimmo, you have the subject and you have 50 seconds on Sinbad the sailor starting now.

DN: Sinbad the sailor, the very first pantomime I went to see, Dorothy Ward playing the principal boy among the sailor cast. Gosh, those legs, magnificent! You know I saw her the other day, not playing Sinbad the sailor this time...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, this lady's legs are not relevant, got nothing to do with Sinbad the sailor. Dorothy Ward's legs are far removed from Sinbad the sailor.

NP: All I can say is that when Dorothy Ward played Sinbad the sailor, her...

KW: We're not interested in all that rubbish!

NP: Well her legs were an integral part of her performance, that's one of the reasons she was cast as the principal boy in the pantomime. So i think Derek's perfectly legitimate...

JM: Yes.

NP: And he keeps the subject and there are 42 seconds left on Sinbad the sailor starting now.

DN: I went in to see Sinbad The Sailor clutching in my hand a lollypop and some dolly mixtures. And I sat with my Aunt Freda, a new member of the programme, you haven't heard about her before. And we sat and watched Sinbad The Sailor, the great red curtain went up, and on to the stage came 48 little tartan clad scrubbers from Stourton. And they all sang the jolly song (sings) "we are the Sinbad boys..."

BUZZ

NP: Um Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Well it's a disgrace! What are these scrubbers doing in the middle of Sinbad the Sailor?

NP: Oh I do agree, I do not believe that that pantomime with Dorothy Ward opened with 40 little scrubbers!

JM: Honestly I'm afraid I have got to back Derek Nimmo up, because when I was a young scrubber in Stourton, I was a tiny tapper, and I did actually...

KW: You weren't in this pantomime! It was Dorothy Ward, so shut your great mouth!

NP: I still don't believe... I still don't believe there were 48 tartan clad little scrubbers opening the show with Dorothy Ward!

PJ: Where was this? I didn't hear!

DN: The Pavilion Theatre, Liverpool.

NP: Have we got time to phone Dorothy Ward and ask her? Kenneth I agree with your challenge and you take over the subject and there are 12 seconds on Sinbad the sailor starting now.

KW: He's a character in these Disney films who used to eat a lot of spinach and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No, no, no, that's Popeye you're thinking of!

NP: Yes!

KW: Who was Sinbad? I thought it was Sinbad the sailor eating.

NP: No, no, they weren't even Disney films, they were made by another company.

KW: Oh I see. I thought it was Popeye the sailor man.

NP: Yes!

DN: It is! (laughs)

JM: Not Sinbad the sailor man!

NP: You're getting muddled with your Olive Oyl!

KW: That is true! That is true but as one about to reach his journey's end, I'm afraid memory, memory is playing strange tricks!

NP: Yes! We've noticed it Kenneth! Peter Jones, a good point to you and five seconds on Sinbad the sailor starting now.

PJ: Well he used to go to sea on this raft and have a bottle of wine and girls used to climb up...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round um Peter Jones gained another point for speaking as the whistle went. He's now in second place with Derek Nimmo, behind Jean Marsh who's still our leader. And Jean it is your turn to begin, the subject, my proudest moment. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

JM: My proudest moment happened only a few days ago. I was in my country cottage, the telephone went, I answered. A voice said "this is the BBC, Ian Messiter wants to speak to you". I said "Lord above! What can he want?" And soon she told me...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has the challenge.

DN: Ian Messiter is not the Lord above!

JM: It was an expletive.

NP: Ah...

JM: Which should be deleted, I suppose.

NP: No, no, we give Derek a bonus point for a good challenge but we leave the subject with you as you weren't deviating. And you have 45 seconds to continue on my proudest moment starting now.

JM: He told me that he wanted my presence on this panel show...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He didn't ring her up and say he wanted her presence on the panel show. I can vouch for that. It's complete lies, therefore it's deviation and I should take the subject over.

JM: It is, it is true!

NP: Actually it was...

KW: He said he wanted your voice on the programme, he didn't want your presence!

NP: He didn't, it was the producer who telephoned her, so it was deviation.

DN: Well she said it was Ian Messiter.

KW: That's right! That's what I mean! That's right! Absolutely!

NP: Yes! So Kenneth you have 42 seconds to continue on my proudest moment...

KW: Thank you very much.

NP: ... starting now.

KW: My proudest moment was when I donned the uniform of the Sea Cadet Corps. I stood there resplendent in the bell bottoms with a hat with gold lettering upon it. And strode proudly through the streets of the borough of Marylebone. Or Marebon as some people term it. We went to this marvellous service where all of us were told about the beauty, incumbent on Sea Cadets. And I remember...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of Sea Cadets.

NP: Yes we had the Sea Cadets before.

KW: Oh yes. Oh well I did look lovely in the uniform!

NP: Derek you have taken over the subject, you have five seconds, we're coming to the end of the last round now and you are one point behind our leader. Five seconds to go on my proudest moment starting....

DN: My proudest moment is when I was made a senior sixer by Akela...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek managed to get going for the five seconds so he got the bonus point for speaking when the whistle went. And as I've just told you we've come to the end of the show. So the final score is that...

BUZZ

NP: Er Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No I haven't.

NP: You just pressed your buzzer.

PJ: Oh I'm sorry.

NP: I must have been that loose foot of yours again.

PJ: So sorry.

NP: A very very close contest. Kenneth Williams was in fourth place but he was only one point behind Peter Jones in third place. And Peter Jones was only one point behind our joint winners this week, Derek Nimmo and once again, returning to triumph, Jean Marsh! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.