NOTE: Hugh Dennis's last appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Yes! Thank you, thank you, hello. My name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce the four exciting and devastating personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back Clement Freud, Tony Hawks, and two who've only played it once before, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Hugh Dennis. Would you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Miriam Jones with a stopwatch, she's going to keep the score and blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular show is coming from the Madder Market Theatre in the centre of that lovely city of Norwich. As usual I will ask our contestants to speak on a subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. We'll begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement can you tell us something about jesters. There are 60 seconds as always starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Noel Coward had a poem which went
Saturday last by way of contrast,
We went to a marvelous party,
I must say the fun was intense,
We all had to wear the sort of clothes we should wear,
In a hundred years hence...


NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey you've challenged.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: We all had to do what people we knew would be doing, isn't it?

CF: Different poem!

KHH: Oh it's a different one! (laughs) No I thought actually there was a repetition of wear, wasn't there.

CF: No.

NP: Yes there was definitely a repetition of wear. You definitely repeated wear Clement. And so Kit you have got in with 47 seconds to go, you get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject and it is jesters starting now.

KHH: Dear Cecil arrived wearing armour, some shelves and a black feather boa,
Poor Millicent wore a surrealist comb made of bits of mosaic from St Peter's in Rome...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, that's nothing to do with jesters.

NP: Yes I think you're getting rather far off the subject here. You're both showing off in other words, that's all you're doing! So right, Clement it is nothing to do with jesters, you're right, a point to you, 37 seconds, jesters starting now.

CF: They said come jest-as you are, which is...


CF: ...made of bits of mosaic from St Peter's in Rome,
The weight was so great we had to go to home,
We couldn't have enjoyed it more.
Um jesters is the name...


NP: Hugh Dennis challenged.

HUGH DENNIS: He said um, I think.

NP: I know he did but he didn't exactly pause.

HD: I would have thought um was a hesitation.

NP: No, I thinking he was keeping going with a certain amount of style...

HD: Um?

NP: No. I'm with you Clement on this one, I give you the benefit of the doubt, 22 seconds, an incorrect challenge, jesters starting now.

CF: Jesters is the name of a quite excellent amateur theatre company in Ealing, in which many actors had their starts. I would like to give you the names of some of these thespians. Beginning with Alfred, Bernard, Charles, David, Edward, Francis, Graham, Harry, Ivor, Jack. And...


NP: And Tony Hawks challenged.

TONY HAWKS: I think he hesitated there.

NP: He definitely hesitated before Jack yes, definitely. And you very cleverly got in with half a second to go, Tony, on jesters starting now.

TH: Standing a long way...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Tony Hawks. So Tony you have two points and so does Clement Freud, you're both in the lead there together. Kit Hesketh-Harvey your turn to begin, the subject is haunting. Can you tell us something about haunting in this game starting now.

KHH: No doubt this charming little theatre here in the fine city of Norwich is terribly haunted. But my first acquaintance with an apparition...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I'm just challenging for an appalling Norfolk accent!


TH: Deviation from speaking proper!

NP: Kit you keep the subject and you have a point of course for being interrupted, and there are 53 seconds on haunting starting now.

KHH: The 12th century refectory which was the dormitory of my preparatory school was haunted by the shade of one Nell Cook of the Ingles de Legends of Canterbury. This unhappy domestic was employed to a canon of that Minister of that bleak eastern coast. And so possessed was she by violent love for him that when he invited a fair and comely maid to dine tete a.. er fair...


NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

KHH: I'm sorry...

NP: I know!

KHH: It was going to be a repetition, I was going to say tete a tete.

NP: No but tete a tete's hyphenated, you could have carried on with it! Clement a correct challenge for hesitation and 21 seconds for you on haunting starting now.

CF: In my part of Suffolk which is south of Lowestoft and north of Alderborough, we have a ghost in the village of Warbeswick, who lives in a house called Dunhaunting. And I think this is an extremely good name for a residence. Any spirit, hobgoblin or other manifestation from outer space would...


NP: So Clement Freud kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And he's in the lead at the end of that round. Tony Hawks would you take the next round, the subject is deal. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

TH: Deal is a place in Kent which bears no resemblance to Norwich, and is not as nice as that place. It has..


NP: Hugh Dennis challenged.

HD: Place and place.

NP: That's right.

TH: Oh God, I only got about three seconds...

HD: Maybe one was the fish, was it?

NP: No, 52 seconds for you...

TH: Yes!

NP: ...Hugh on deal starting now.

HD: Deal is indeed a very small town in Kent, hence the phrase it's no big deal. I've never visited it and have no real intention of doing...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I'm sorry, I think he might have repeated deal, but er.. sorry, real.

NP: He did repeat real.

TH: He did repeat real.

NP: Well listened Tony, 43 seconds for you on deal starting now.

TH: High powered businessmen pride themselves on clinching a deal. I am not particularly good at making deals. When someone sells me something for 40 pounds, I like to say "50 pounds for cash?" just to confuse them. This great pleasure I take in doing this kind of deal. Another kind of deal you can do...


NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: We've had two kinds of deal, another kind of deal.

NP: No you had a repetition of kind yes. So you have a correct challenge...

KHH: Oh whew! Sorry, you were looking at me so severely!

NP: I know! No, I was concentrating, that was all. Twenty-two seconds for you on deal Kit starting now.

KHH: The brawny arms of cooks in days of yore used to scrub every morning the deal tables which adorned their empires. And upon which were arranged pottery and crockery and cutlery and other artifacts of their experience. What am I talking about?


NP: Tony Hawks, will you tell him?

TH: Yeah he ground to a halt there.

NP: Yes it was, yes hesitation. Tony there are eight seconds for you to tell us something about deal starting now.

TH: Dirty deals are the kind of deals that I...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: We've had a kind.

NP: Yes you had a kind.

TH: So that was just hopeless all round really, wasn't it.

NP: Clement you got in with six seconds to go on deal starting now.

CF: In six seconds the kind of thing that I could say is that a real deal is a small town in Kent.



NP: No, no! You've challenged! Hugh challenged before the whistle went. What was it?

HD: I thought it was a hesitation.

NP: It definitely was a hesitation. You've got one second to tell us something about deal Hugh starting now.

HD: Deal...


NP: And Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Definite hesitation.

NP: Right.

TH: Hesitation.

NP: Tony Hawks, yes, half a second on deal starting now.

TH: The last thing I...


NP: No... so at the end of that round, Tony's now in the lead. And Hugh it's your turn to begin, the subject is Norfolk Broads. Sixty seconds starting now.

HD: There are two types of Norfolk Broads. Firstly there is the area famous for sailing, to the north of Norwich. And on the other hand, the term Norfolk Broads might be taken to mean girls from this fair county. So imagine my excitement when at the age of 12 my mother said we were going on holiday to see the Norfolk broads. And imagine my disappointment when I discovered that they were just waterways. Still it didn't matter, I snogged one of them!



NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: (laughs) He stopped.

NP: He stopped, I know, he was...

HD: It was...

NP: He was so enjoying the audience reaction, you know.

HD: No I was...

NP: A true comic, he couldn't get away from it.

HD: I was deep in memory actually!

NP: Oh yes! Clement you got in with 30 seconds on Norfolk broads starting now.

CF: In the 1930s Mae West very nearly became a Norfolk broad. And it happened in the following way. The Duke of Norfolk went to Hollywood and the afore-mentioned actress very keen to become Duchess, sent him a case of champagne which His Grace returned. So she had delivered a dozen red roses which also came back. Cigars, Havanas arrived and the Duke sent them back with the words...


NP: Hugh Dennis.

HD: Repetition of Duke I think.

NP: Yes, and also sent back. But what, what's the payoff? Because there's only three seconds to go and I think he's got in.

CF: Okay, he wrote and said "Dear Ms West, I neither like flowers nor smoke nor drink, Norfolk."

NP: You got in with three seconds to go, Hugh on Norfolk broads starting now.

HD: It is no fun getting a mouthful of water, I can tell you...


NP: At the end of that round Tony Hawks and Clement Freud are equal in the lead. And Clement it's your turn to begin again, the subject is demons. Will you tell us something about demons in this game starting now.

CF: Demons are very seldom to be found in Norwich. Tunbridge Wells, Market Harbourer, Great Yarmouth, Lowestoft...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Sorry, yes, I think he hesitated before, before Lowestoft.

NP: Yes he brought it back up from Norfolk and then hesitated. Right, Tony Hawks, 52 seconds on demons starting now.

TH: The true definition of a demon to my mind would be someone who would attempt to snog a Norfolk broad. This would be an evil act! The innocent lake just sitting there, not expecting someone to dash down with their tongue and start wiggling about over the surface. That's no way to behave, demonic in my opinion. Demonic, oh is something I just repeated...


NP: Kit you got in first there and...

KHH: I think there was two demonics.

NP: Yes there were indeed.

KHH: It was very funny though.

NP: Thirty-one seconds for you to tell us something about demons starting now.

KHH: The demon drink of course is that which haunts most of us. And most terrifyingly ...


KHH: Oh sorry.

NP: Clement Freud got in.

CF: Two mosts.

NP: Two mosts Clement, 27 seconds for you on demons starting now.

CF: There used to be a game called Racing Demons which was enormously popular. When I say it was once so...


NP: Tony Hawks got in.

TH: Yes I think he hesitated.

NP: Yes he did, 20 seconds for you Tony, demons starting now.

TH: Sweeney Todd, the demon of Fleet Street. Well-known for luring people into his barber's shop and cutting their necks to pieces. An extraordinary act in my humble view. But let me tell you some more about demons, because I am delighted to be...


NP: Tony you kept going until the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and you've taken the lead at the end of that round. Kit Hesketh-Harvey your turn to begin. The subject Kit is the Jurassic years. Will you talk on the subject, 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

KHH: The Jurassic years followed the Triassic period, and laid down in these isles a belt of limestone which ranged from Whitby and Robin Hood's Bay down through Milton Mowbray, Cheltenham, Stroud, Evesham and Yeoville until at Lime Regis it ended whereupon one afternoon a local girl was walking, tripping happily through the cliffs of Charmouth where she chanced upon the protruding corpse of an ecthisoarus, sister beast to the Diana... diamers... oh...


KHH: I am sorry!

TH: You were going to go on sister beast to Diana Rossa!

NP: Right Tony you challenged, 23 seconds, the Jurassic years with you Tony starting now.

TH: The Jurassic years were 213 to 400 million years ago. A time when you couldn't see Sale of the Century on television, but only just, let me say that! Also lots of dinosaurs used to rule the earth at this time. And who would have thought...


NP: Hugh Dennis.

HD: Repetition of time.

NP: There was a repetition of time. Well done there Hugh. Five seconds on the Jurassic years starting now.

HD: The biggest mystery of the Jurassic years is why the dinosaurs died out...


NP: At the end of that round Tony Hawks is still in the lead. And Tony it's your turn to begin, the subject is forge. Can you tell us something about forge in this game starting now.

TH: When you go to a supermarket the checkout girl will hold up your 20 pound note against the light to see if it is forged. This upsets me. I like to hold up all my shopping and check all that, just to get my revenge back. "These cornflakes are counterfeit," I say. And knock her about a bit if I'm in a particularly bad mood. Now forge is also a place where you can refine metal. Melt it down, do what you like with it really. They're marvelous places, I like to go round and just...


KHH: I thought he repeated place but he didn't. I'm sorry. He said place...

NP: Don't apologise!

KHH: ...and places the second time.

TH: Don't apologise, it gave me a chance to have a bit of a rest!

NP: And also gives him a point because he's interrupted...

KHH: Yes indeed.

NP: Tony the subject is forge still and 33 seconds left starting now.

TH: Forge or Forger was a Norwegian au pair girl that we had in Norway. I was very fond of her. I'd sit her on my knee, bounce me up and down, sing me little songs from that lovely country. But I want to get to back to talking about forge, otherwise I would be starting to deviate and that would be the last thing I'd want to do on this show! Forge is something you do when you want to create another thing which looks similar to it...


NP: Clement Freud's challenged.

CF: There was repetition of thing.

NP: No, thing yes. You talked about your thing before.

TH: Am I going too fast for you all?

NP: Clement you got in with four seconds to go on forge starting now.

CF: It is the home to many blacksmiths, and they sit in front of an anvil...


NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. He's moving up on Tony Hawks, who's in the lead, just two points ahead of him. And Hugh it is your turn to begin, the subject is checks. Can you talk on the subject starting now.

HD: All my life I have written many thousands of cheques. But I have never mastered the technique of writing down what they were for or how much they were. At the end of every month my bank statement arrives, and I am left with this task of thinking how did I spend 441 pounds? Was it pre-packed salad from Marks and Spencers? Or did I go to the baker's and just have a bit of a wobbly?


NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: It was very good indeed but he sort of collapsed, didn't he?

NP: He did collapse.

HD: I seem to do that rather a lot!

TH: I think he collapsed after you had your wobbly in the bakery!

NP: Okay Kit a correct challenge because we call that hesitation. And the subject is checks, 34 seconds are left starting now.

KHH: It is said that of Robert Maxwell's more nubile assistants quite frequently went in for a check-up. Another Czech came from er Prague and ...


NP: Hugh Dennis challenged.

HD: He just, he sort of went er zerh!

NP: He was so amused at what he said he couldn't get going again. Twenty-four seconds for you Hugh on checks starting now.

HD: Checks are the pattern that Rupert Bear wears on his trousers, this is slightly strange I always think. Why would a bear...


HD: Oh no!

NP: Oh dear! Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two bears.

NP: Two bears yes, 16 seconds Clement, checks starting now.

CF: I'm very fond of checks and try to get as my racing colours of horses that compete against others over the sticks and on the flat to wear black and white gingham checks. And the jockey club refused to...


NP: Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went and gained an extra point for doing so. And Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject is how to make a shoe. Can you tell us something about that subject and there are 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I do think that this is the most appallingly stupid subject I've ever been given. If I had any idea of how to make a shoe, I would be a cobbler and would not be sitting in a theatre in Norwich trying to earn a living from Radio Four BBC...


NP: Kit?

KHH: Repetition of B.

NP: BBC. Well listened. I've no doubt the subject's been chosen because Norwich is of course the centre of shoe making.

HD: It's also a word...

CF: I thought Northampton was.

NP: Northampton is associated with shoes, but Norwich is accepted now as the European centre of shoe making. I'm sure you would endorse that, wouldn't you audience?


CF: Who's here from Northampton?

NP: Kit, repetition of B, er, a point to you, 44 seconds, how to make a shoe starting now.

KHH: Of all the pastries that a patisserie chef is required to do, shoe pastry is generally....


KHH: Aaaahh!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Pastry.

NP: Too much pastry, yes. Thirty-eight seconds Clement, how to make a shoe starting now.

CF: In a casino the shoe is the holder of packs of cards. And if you play chamandifal or buckarah, the...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Ah this is not how to make a shoe, is it?

CF: Yes absolutely.

TH: Oh it is, is it?

CF: Before you do... you make a shoe by shuffling cards and putting them into it. And that is called making a shoe.

TH: Ah sorry, I stand, I sit corrected.

NP: Yes, Clement you have another point, 30 seconds on how to make a shoe starting now.

CF: You would be well advised to go to Norwich which is the shoe centre of Europe, the most famous shoe town anywhere. There are folk who thought that Northampton had some sort of claim to the manufacture of footwear. They are mistaken, wrong, absolutely fallacious. East Anglia is the centre of this...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of centre.

NP: Yes you had the centre before Clement, I'm afraid. Six seconds for you Tony on how to make a shoe starting now.

TH: There is no point in making a shoe. You need to know how to make two shoes.


NP: Well Tony Hawks, a lovely line and as the whistle went got another point. Kit it's your turn to begin, the subject is demonstrations. Can you talk on the subject starting now.

KHH: That volatile and telegenic chef Valentina Harris who is a Norfolk neighbour of mine quite frequently and generously gives me demonstrations of her culinary skills which are legend. And in particular she demonstrates to me how to make Tuscan minestrone soup, that magnificent dish which sends so many of her countrymen singing out into the olive groves and the vineyards of their native Umbria. Ah...


KHH: Sorry they moved from Tuscany to Umbria!

TH: He just said what I was going to say!

NP: Yes!

TH: No I think he hesitated.

NP: He did hesitate, yes. Tony 32 seconds on demonstrations starting now.

TH: If you go to on the streets and the cities of Europe, you can very often see political demonstrations. they are frightening affairs. Sometimes people will sit in front of traffic, which is a foolish move in my opinion. But they will do it to demonstrate a case which they have against the Government of their country. I am proud to watch these bastions of truth who fight injustice wherever they see it. Let them go forward, I proudly say as I beat my chest in support of their...


NP: So Tony Hawks not only kept going on the subject, and spoke as the whistle went, gained an extra point, and he's taken the lead now, one ahead of Clement Freud. And Tony it's also your turn to begin, the subject is my memory. Can you tell us something about that which is rather useful in this game starting now.

TH: My memory is considerably better than Nicholas Parsons'. But that is another point. The point I... oh...


NP: Ohhhh! Well may you fluff on that one!

TH: Yes.

NP: So Clement you've got in with 53 seconds to go on my memory starting now.

CF: My very first memory was going to the Anchor Inn in Warbeswick which is south of Lowestoft and north of Alderborough in the county of Suffolk. A man called Ginger Wynyard was behind the...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Deviation, he's not talking about his memory, he's talking about a memory he had.

NP: Oh that's a difficult one because I mean... yes, yes...

TH: Well I think if we out it to the audience...

NP: A memory is part of my memory...

TH: Well he was going to go on about Norfolk and that. So maybe the audience wanted to hear it, did they?

NP: No, I, I think I have to give him the benefit of the doubt because a memory is part of my memory. And so Clement you still have the subject, another point of course, 39 seconds, my memory starting now.

CF: My memory is pretty well known among my family. Sons, daughters, cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles and aunts say Clement Freud's memory is terrific. They say throw it up in the air, catch it... it's there...


NP: Hugh Dennis challenged.

HD: I can't remember what I was going to say.

NP: Well he did hesitate.

HD: No I thought he was going to hesitate but...

NP: Well he did hesitate.

HD: Yes I think he did.

NP: You're the first person who places...

HD: I like to see both sides of the case! And um...

NP: I must say you're the first person... you're the first person...

HD: I think he was going to hesitate. But then he didn't. It was a sort of mmm sort of noise.

NP: It's the first time that we;ve had a person in the show actually Hugh, when I've given it to them and said he did hesitate and you said no I don't think so...

HD: No I don't want, I wouldn't want to win by cheating!

NP: You were actually...

TH: I don't think there's any question of you winning here!


NP: So even though I agree with the challenge of hesitation, you don't want it?

HD: No, I'd rather not.

NP: Right! So Clement you have another point and 23 seconds on my memory starting now.

CF: The first county cricket match which was in my memory was at Lord's at St John's Wood in London. Hutton and Washbrook opened the b-batting...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes because that was a stumble. So we call that hesitation. Fourteen seconds, Tony, my memory starting now.

TH: Memories in fact light the corners of my mind, misty warty coloured...


KHH: It's perfectly possible, they might be warty. I say but I think he meant water didn't he?

NP: I think so, I think it was deviation.

KHH: Warty coloured memories...

TH: They're, they're warty coloured.

NP: Kit we give it to you, nine seconds on my memory starting now.

KHH: Whereas Tony Hawks' memories were dull and scabrous grey, mine are rose tinted with matter and other such lovely hues. Memories by...


NP: Well Kit was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And he's still in third place, just ahead of Hugh Dennis. And they are trailing Tony Hawks and Clement Freud just one point ahead in the lead. And Hugh your turn to begin, Hugh the subject is keyholes. Can you tell us something about those in this game starting now.

HD: I've recently removed all the keyholes from my house in the fear that Lloyd Grossman might come round to slag off my home furnishings for his programme Through The Keyhole. If any cameraman attempts to stick his apparatus in my doorlocks what he will see is lots of metal, oil and the back of my door. In fact the name of the programme Through The Keyhole is rather misleading...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of through.

NP: Yes there was.

TH: He said Through the Keyhole.

HN: I thought perhaps if you put it in... inverted...

NP: No, no.

TH: You're going to get very cold when you go home tonight!

NP: Yes!

TH: And you can't get in your house.

HD: Incidentally... if you do have warty memories you can have them frozen off!

TH: Possibly, I don't know.

NP: Tony you have a point, you have 38 seconds, keyholes starting now.

TH: Keyholes don't actually exist, they aren't there. The bits round the outside of them do. People don't realise this. I do and that's why I'm so sad! Now...



NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Ah it was very funny again but no, I'm afraid he just ground to a halt.

NP: No he didn't grind to a halt, he was just playing the laugh. He was just enjoying himself, but it was hesitation...

KHH: Oh no...

NP: Twenty-four seconds for you on keyholes Kit starting now.

KHH: Key holes to me include ears, noses and mouths and of course the last...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: He's just telling us that he's mad! We don't want to know what keyholes are to him! We want to know what keyholes are to all of us! And they're not ears! It's deviation!

HD: If you're sad, he can be mad, I say!

NP: I would agree with you, I don't think he's sad or mad but I don't think... there's no common sense in keyholes being ears and all that! It's absolute rubbish! So... 19 seconds for you Tony on keyholes starting now.

TH: They are very good to look through but you must be very careful when you do. Because there might be someone on the other side with a water pistol who will squirt you with it and then it will go in your eye. What a terrible thing to happen to you that would be! I'm sorry I'm once again addressing you like a group of children but that's the way I do things...


NP: Right. Oh well Tony you were speaking as the whistle went, you get an extra point for doing so. And as you did that you might be interested to know that you brought the show to an end.

TH: As a concept?

NP: Hugh finished in fourth place. Just ahead of him was Kit Hesketh-Harvey and then was Clement Freud. And he was two points behind Tony Hawks, so we say this week Tony Hawks is our winner! Thank you very much indeed! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. It only remains for me to say on behalf of Clement Freud, Tony Hawks, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Hugh Dennis, and of course our producer Sarah Smith, and Miriam Jones who's kept the score and blown her whistle for me, and of course Ian Messiter who thought of the game and therefore keeps us all in work, and from me Nicholas Parsons, we hope you've enjoyed it all. We have and until we all meet again playing Just A Minute through the airwaves, good-bye!