NOTE: Hugh Dennis's first appearance, Kit Hesketh-Harvey's first radio appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you very much, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four exciting panelists who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back someone who's played the game for a very long time, that is Clement Freud. Someone who's played it frequently, that is Tony Hawks. And two people who have never played it before, that is Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Hugh Dennis. Will you please welcome all four of them! And this particular show is coming to you from the lovely Madder Market Theatre in the beautiful city of Norwich and as always I am going to ask our panelists if they can speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. Miriam Jones sits beside me, she will keep the score, blow her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And we will begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement we would like you to talk about Norwich. You have 60 seconds to do that and you begin now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Shortly before the battle of Agincourt, Henry the Fifth said "then shall our names, familiar in his mouths like household names carry the King, Bedford and Exeter, Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester." And not a mention of Norwich! People in East Anglia were bitterly disappointed. They said "if ever we have a... supermarket..."


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TONY HAWKS: I think he hesitated.

NP: He definitely hesitated. You have a point, of course, for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of Norwich and there are 37 seconds left and you start now.

TH: Norwich is a nice market town with a marvelous football team nicknamed the Canaries.


TH: With absolutely no local support here tonight, let me tell you! They play in a marvellous strip, yellow and green. So colourful to watch them on the TV, bouncing from one end of the pitch to the other. I like Norwich very much indeed. I came here a number of years ago when I in fact had a girlfriend here. I'd visit her...


NP: Hugh Dennis has challenged.

HUGH DENNIS: Repeat of here.

NP: Yes you said you had a girlfriend here.

TH: That's true.

NP: You've got a point for a correct challenge and you've got the subject of Norwich and you only have 10 seconds and you start now.

HD: Norwich as well as being a major city is also an acronym meaning Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home!


HD: In this regard...

NP: No I'm sorry, no, Tony Hawks challenged just before you got your nickers off!

TH: Yes! It would have to be called K-norwich for that!

NP: Yes!


NP: But actually Tony you're quite right if you want to be pedantic about it, but...

TH: I do! I want to be pedantic about it!

NP: Yes but that is the phrase, that is accepted. So Hugh you have a point for an incorrect challenge, so you keep the subject, you're very cleverly staying with it with one second to go starting now.

HD: In this regard...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. It was Hugh Dennis who's never played the game before and at the end of that round he's taken a commanding lead! Ah Tony Hawks will you take the next round, the subject is what's fishy. Sixty seconds starting now.

TH: Fishy has generally become known as a term for something suspicious. I've never really understood this, given that to me fish seem rather honest creatures. They never seem to do anything behind their...


NP: Kit...

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Repetition of seem.

NP: Yes, nice to hear from you, 48 seconds are left and you have what's fishy starting now.

KHH: Personally I find Keith Floyd extremely fishy. I cannot understand why, when he takes his pollock, hake, skate, cod, plaice...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Sorry I thought he might have hesitated.

NP: No, no, no, no, he was keeping going on a list... So Kit you have your first point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, 37 seconds left, what's fishy starting now.

KHH: But nevertheless he manages to be completely drunk at all times. Unlike Clement Freud, a marvellous television cook, who is never anything but completely sober and vigilant about everything he does... Mr Freud...


NP: Hugh Dennis has challenged.

HD: Was there a hesitation there?

NP: There was a hesitation and I think I know why. He realised...

KHH: I was telling such appalling lies!

NP: Clement was nodding very sagely, entirely agreeing with you. Hugh you have another point, a correct challenge, 23 seconds are available for you to tell us something about what's fishy starting now.

HD: I was wondering whether the phrase "there's something fishy" was based upon a thieving haddock or a kleptomaniac hake who used to go around stealing things from the neighbourhood. For example he might rob banks or hold up sub post offices in a fishy sort of way. I can't think of anything else to say now. Er...


NP: So Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I wanted to help!

NP: So you have him for hesitation, Clement you have six seconds on what’s fishy starting now.

CF: Norwich City were quite fishy when they called in John Stalker to look in to their failure to shoot...


NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud spoke as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. But he's in third place just behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey and in the lead is still Hugh Dennis. And Kit we'd like you to begin the next round. The subject is sale. It is fairly synonomous with a certain show that used to come from Norwich. If you'd like to try and talk on it for one minute starting now.

KHH: A friend of mine was working during his university vacation at a sale at Liberties in Regent Street when an enormous and voluble woman in a huge sable fur coat removed it and went into a cubicle to try on an undergarment. He did not notice this and when a second punter approached him and said "how much" he said "I would think about five quid to you, wouldn't you, love?" Dismissed from his post he was trying to find a job at Portnum and Mason in London's Piccadilly when the manager asked him "are you by any chance homosexual?" "As a matter of fact, no," he declared, "what's it to you?" "Simply that if you are, we'll put you on the ground floor as our customers prefer it." The Harrods sale in the old Brompton Road is perhaps the most celebrated of all of them. There you can buy gentleman's clothes, for example shoes, socks, suspenders, trousers...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: He's going to start listing fish in a minute!

NP: So what's your challenge?

TH: He'd done too well!

NP: He had, he'd only got seven seconds to go...

TH: Yes.

NP: He nearly kept going for the full minute.

TH: Sorry about that.

NP: You haven't got a legitimate challenge...

TH: No I haven't.

NP: So Kit you've still got the subject of sale, seven seconds starting now.

KHH: Sailing out of the Norfolk ports such as Blakeney and Lowestoft were many fine...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Lowestoft is Suffolk.

KHH: You're quite right!

NP: Oh and Kit as a good Norfolk man, I'm glad you know your ports! So Clement you very cleverly got in with one second to go on sale starting now.

CF: Portnum and Mason!


NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud happened to be speaking as the whistle went...

CF: What do you mean happened to be speaking when the whistle went?

NP: Hugh your turn to begin, the subject is Tuesdays. Will you tell us something about that In Just A Minute starting now?

HD: Of all the days in the week, namely Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, my favourite...


NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Sunday's a weekend.

NP: It's still a day of the week.

HD: It's a day of the week.

TH: I think you might be in trouble now, he's listed all of them!

HD: Yeah I have.

NP: Yes, an incorrect challenge, 53 seconds are left for Tuesday starting now.

HD: My favourite is surely Tuesdays, because it is on Tuesdays when the dustbin men come. Oh what a sad and pathetic life he leads, I hear you cry. But no-one can know the excitement which is induced by the arribal of the garbage collectors...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: There's no such word as arribal.

HD: I think that's fair!

NP: Forty seconds for you Tony on Tuesday starting now.

TH: There is a nightclub in Manchester called Saturdays and one called Fridays somewhere else. But I've never seen one called Tuesdays. That would be the kind of club I would like to...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Second club.

NP: The second club.

TH: Ah no, nightclub the first time.

CF: Nightclub?

TH: Nightclub, club.

CF: Boo!

NP: Right, so Tony an incorrect challenge and you have another point, and 30 seconds on Tuesdays starting now.

TH: I would love to go to an establishment such as this and disco the night away. For Tuesdays...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of night!


TH: Same thing! It's part of nightclub last time.

NP: But surely nightclub is either hyphenated or one word, it's not two words, is it?

TH: Exactly! So I'm all right!

NP: I think so, yes. Tony you continue with 25 seconds on Tuesdays starting now.

TH: On Tuesdays Clement Freud comes round to my house, and picks up on everything I say! He's got a little buzzer there which he presses just by the cooker and then what happens is I argue with him, over and again (starts to laugh)...


NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you hesitated.

TH: I know! Yeah.

NP: You laughed at your own brilliance and then... So Kit you got in with nine seconds only, well done! Tuesdays starting now.

KHH: John Wilmot, the second Earl of Rochester, described his Tuesdays thus. I rise at 11, I dine about 2, I'm drunk before 7, the next thing I do...


NP: For the sake of those who like to hear the end of things, what did he do after that?

KHH: I call for my whore and then fall in a rage, then croxer, all morning I fall on my page! Which I think you probably...

NP: Yes! Perhaps it's as well the whistle did go when it did.

KHH: Yes!

NP: Well Kit you were speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point of course for doing so and you've taken the lead at the end of that round. Only one ahead of Hugh Dennis and two ahead of Clement Freud and Tony Hawks. Tony Hawks your turn to begin. Tony, a howler. That is the subject, can you talk on it starting now.

TH: A howler is considered to be an error or a mistake. My friend went round to his girlfriend's house and stayed the night there. During that evening he got very drunk and when he went to bed, he got up to go to the toilet and fell down the stairs. Unfortunately her parents' dog was asleep at the bottom of the afore-mentioned thing, and he killed the dog by landing on it...

NP: Hugh Dennis has challenged.

HD: Repetition of dog wasn't there before?

CF: A live dog and a dead dog.

TH: Yes.

NP: It was still a dog and you can't repeat the word. Hugh, 37 seconds to tell us something about a howler starting now.

HD: For example a howler night be asking Patrick Campbell to do Just A Minute. Um where are we...


NP: Yes! There was a sort of time warp there while people were putting their minds back to who Patrick Campbell was, yeah. And Kit you challenged.

KHH: It was, it was very tasteless but that's not the point. I think there was um an um at the end of it.

NP: There was an um, there was a er, he hesitated. Thirty seconds for you Kit on a howler starting now.

KHH: The opera singer, Montserrat Caballe could be considered a howler, particularly in view of her size. She is known apparently as Monster fat cow belly to some of her fans. She howls on various notes of the scales, C, C sharp, D...


NP: Tony Hawks you've challenged.

TH: Repetition of C.

NP: Yes there was C and D...

KHH: I did say C sharp!

NP: I know! You can't get out of it that way!

KHH: C hyphen sharp!

NP: Definitely not, 14 seconds for you Tony on a howler starting now.

TH: One howler I'm particularly fond of is Cilla Black. Whenever she starts to sing on Surprise Surprise...


NP: Oh!

TH: Oh dear!

NP: It's a tough game, isn't it! Right! Clement you got in with seven seconds on a howler starting now.

CF: When Norwich City called in John Stalker to impose the shoot to miss policy, it was...


NP: Well I'm pleased to say the points have been very evenly divided. Clement Freud got an extra one then, speaking when the whistle went. He's now equal with Kit Hesketh-Harvey in the lead, but only one point ahead of Hugh Dennis and he's one point ahead of Tony Hawks. And Kit it's your turn to begin, and the subject, offence. Will you talk on that subject starting now.

KHH: Offence is something you can either give or take, or in the third instance sit on. If in that case I would not recommend one's sitting on an electric fence, or a barbed wire fence. Perhaps...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of fence.

NP: But we've just established if it's part of the word...

TH: Oh! No, no, not at all, offence, you can't say that fence... that's just letters that are made up in it! Otherwise I could repeat the word fen, the word off, the word ence...

KHH: My point was you're allowed to give somebody offence. Here is a fence for Christmas darling, I hope you like it...

CF: Oh I think we got to what...

KHH: I wasn't referring to offence at all!

NP: You weren't. I know you weren't. That's the trouble, you did it wrong!

KHH: I'm in a world of my own here, aren't I! I'm sorry!

NP: We enjoyed it though, that was the point Kit. And I agree with your challenge, so you have the subject, 48 seconds, offence starting now.

TH: It is of course an offence to use the words over and ... oh...


NP: Oh yes?

TH: No-one's challenged me, I'll keep going!

NP: No, no, no, it was a long time before they did. Kit you got in first after a long pause. Forty seconds, offence Kit starting now.

KHH: When John Stalker involved Norwich City in his shoot to miss policy, he crea... er... (starts to laugh)


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think we call that hesitation. Thirty-four seconds Tony, offence starting now.

TH: Offence is something the England team haven't excelled in over the years. Recently they lost a game against Holland which means they will not be going to the United States of America next summer. We will miss their attacking play. We will be disappointed to find that there are no yobs... er...


NP: Hugh Dennis challenged.

HD: He was just talking rubbish!

NP: I know! And I think we will rule that as a hesitation so Hugh you got in with 15 seconds on offence starting now.

HD: In swimming pools there are various offences, the worst of which are ducking and diving, petting and bombing. I have never understood what...


NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: There's one worse offence you can commit in a swimming pool!

NP: Ah Kit what...

CF: I should give it to him!

NP: What... no I won't give it to him. What I will give him is a bonus point because we liked the er comment, it wasn't an official challenge. But as an extra bonus point. Hugh keeps the subject and he carries on with seven seconds on offence starting now.

HD: In these instances the lifeguard will approach you and tell you that it is not done to jump into the water with both...


NP: Hugh it's your turn to begin, the subject gherkin. Can you tell us something about a gherkin in Just A Minute starting now.

HD: A gherkin is a small pickled cucumber, otherwise known as dillpickle. It is much beloved by comedians because it sounds slightly rude. For example, you can say "oh what a big gherkin". There are various other fruits and vegetables of which this is the case. Melons for example, plums, oranges, no they do not come into this category. Um ah...


NP: Tony?

TH: It's not just me talking the rubbush there.

NP: Yes.

TH: I think hesitation.

NP: Yes, 36 seconds starting now.

TH: Gherking is something I've never been very good at...


NP: Hugh Dennis challenged.

HD: What is gherking?

NP: I think he was about to tell us.

HD: Oh right.

NP: So he gets a point for being interrupted and 34 seconds starting now.

TH: To gherk is something I've never had the privilege to do. Gherkin' I assume is the Cockney expression for doing this. My friend Mr Andrews at school used to call me a gherkin as a way of insulting me. In front of the class, he'd say "Hawks..."


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: How was he your friend if he insulted you?

TH: I had a particularly rough time at school. I had to take what I could get!

NP: I, I, I will side with Tony here because in this position as chairman here I have been insulted frequently by the members of the panel, and I still consider you my friends!

KHH: Awww!


NP: So Tony I'm with you entirely, you have 18 seconds, gherkin, starting now.

TH: When people visit McDonald's and fast food hamburger restaurants, the gherkin is the bit they immediately open and throw away. No...


NP: Hugh you challenged.

HD: I want to know how you open a gherkin.

TH: Well... Mr Andrews, my teacher, at...

NP: So what is your challenge Hugh?

HD: Well you can't open a gherkin.

NP: You get a knife and cut it up.

HD: Unless you can Nicholas.

NP: Yes you get a knife and cut it up.

HD: Oh okay then.

NP: I mean, I think that's opening a gherkin. I think so. Ten seconds on gherkin with you Tony starting now.

TH: My father had a shop called Gherkin which he opened...


NP: Hugh Dennis challenged.

HD: That's a lie!

NP: I'm inclined to believe you, I don't believe your father had a shop called Gherkin.

TH: Well whether you believe me or not isn't in the rules of the game.

NP: Well I...

TH: The fact is he opened it!

NP: Right! I believe that your father... no I'm with you Hugh, you have six seconds on gherkin starting now.

HD: Certainly whenever I enter a fast food restaurant and open up my hamburger, the gherkin is indeed the piece...


NP: So Tony Hawks got a lot of points in the round, but Hugh Dennis got one for speaking as the whistle went. Tony Hawks your turn to begin, the subject Edgar Degas. Can you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

TH: Edgar Degas is a well-known impressionist. Although I saw him do an impression of Tommy Cooper and Edward Heath, and it bore no resemblance whatsoever. He was also notorious for hanging around with Monet, Menet, Matice and any painter whose name began with M...


NP: Hugh you challenged, yes?

HD: Isn't that a repetition of painter.

TH: No it was artist the first time.

NP: It was artist, that's right yes.

HD: You see, now I understand.

NP: Now you understand. But because you challenged, you interrupted and stopped the flow, he gets a point for being interrupted and he continues for 42 seconds on Edgar Degas starting now.

TH: He used to abbrieve people's surnames, Pesaro...


NP: Um Kit? Yes?

KHH: (laughing)

TH: You don't need to hear any more, do you?

KHH: Could you abbrieve Pesaro for me and tell me what the abbrieving is of it?

NP: Yes...

KHH: Is there such a word as abbrieve?

NP: No I don't think there's such a word as abbrieve?

TH: I don't think there is.

NP: I've never heard it before.

TH: No but I abbreviated abbreviate and got abbrieve!

NP: Yes!


TH: Ah I've got the drunk with me. Good news!

NP: I hesitated for a moment because I thought maybe it was an old Norfolk word or something.

HD: The only Norfolk words we know are "it's the quiz of the week!"

NP: Yes!


NP: Right, 38 seconds, Edgar Degas with you Kit starting now.

KHH: After a lifetime of painting ballerinas changing out of their hot sweaty undergarments, in the wings of various theatres, a questionable activity some would say, he then went on to paint horses which perhaps was even more dubious. His later years were enlivened by an affair with the trapeze artist turned painter Suzanne Valadon who subsequently went on to enjoy liaisons with Rodan and Toulouse Lautrec. She must have been something of an acrobat! Edgar Degas was a marvelous painter er...


NP: Oh it's a tough game! Hugh Dennis...

HD: There was, there was a repetition of painter this time, weren't there?

KHH: I'm sorry, there was, I said painter thousands of times!

NP: Yes.

HD: You said painter and then you went sort of er...

NP: That's right, yes. Everything right, but you cleverly got in with four seconds to go on Edgar Degas Hugh starting now.

HD: I've often thought what a persuasive artist Degas might have been...


NP: Hugh Dennis spoke as the whistle went, got an extra point. He's one point behind our leader Tony Hawks and he's equal with Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Clement Freud is trailing them. And Kit it's your turn to begin and the subject is intelligence, specially chosen I have no doubt. Speak on the subject starting now.

KHH: Well what with the collapse of the Berlin Wall and everything, and the cessation of the hostilities between NATO and the Soviet bloc, there has been little need of late of any intelligence. Paradoxically the first time that a woman starts heading the intelligence service in Britain, there is nothing to be intelligent about. However....


KHH: ...this is not a situation which I relish. Oh no, I miss Ian Fleming and his lovely stories about Bond, James and the same surname followed that particular introduction. Intelligence is not something I’m feeling particularly equipped with at the moment, owing to the lateness of the hour and the inclemency of the weather. However intelligence is generally rated to be in dolphins and in pigs and in human beings..


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KHH: It's and ins.

CF: Three and ins.

NP: Three and ins, maybe three ands you might have got away with! But three and ins, no. Clement, 13 seconds to tell us something about intelligence starting now.

CF: Intelligence entails being that much more intelligent than the other person. I have a friend with whom I went to school, who has a toaster which he puts sideways underneath his television set so people think he has a video...


NP: Clement speaking as the whistle went has moved forward but alas he's just still in fourth place which is unusual for him. And Hugh it’s your turn to begin. We're going from intelligence to ignorance. So Hugh will you tell us something about... I don't know why you got ignorance and he had intelligence. But anyway will you try and talk on the subject starting now.

HD: I was on a British Rail train which stopped suddenly between stations. We stayed there for about 10 minutes before the guard announced over the tannoy "we apologise for the wait which is due to a delay". This strikes me as a prime example of ignorance. They say that ignorance is bliss. I certainly didn't think that as I was doing my physics A level, struggling with what on earth kinetic theory was, or momentum or er...


NP: Oh! Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I think hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you think correctly...

HD: Ah that was the word!

NP: Thirty seconds, ignorance, Clement starting now.

CF: I knew a man who was so ignorant that he bought a toaster, and put it sideways under a television set in order that people would believe that he had a video, when it was quite clear that no film or cassette would be able to be pushed into that machine and present anything like a picture that could be enjoyed of an evening or indeed of an argument. Ignorance is a man of many facets...


NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Ah I think there was a hesitation there.

NP: There was a hesitation yes, and you got in cleverly with only three seconds to go, ignorance Kit starting now.

KHH: Thomas Gray's ode to a distant prospect at Eton College...


NP: Right. We're going into the last round now so let me give you the scores as we approach it. It's very close. Kit Hesketh-Harvey, a first time player of the game is in the lead, one point ahead of Tony Hawks, one point ahead of Hugh Dennis and only one point ahead of Clement Freud. Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject is dam. You can take it any way you wish Clement starting now.

CF: One of my very favourite films is The Dam Busters in which a man whose name I had to forget, ah, predicted...


NP: Hugh Dennis.

CF: It's not just his name I forget!

HD: It was Guy Gibson!

NP: No, no, no, well yes he led the plane yes, but it was Wallace Barnes!

HD: No it wasn't, it was Barnes Wallace.

NP: Oh yes!

CF: Can I go on now?

NP: No, no, because what is your challenge Hugh?

HD: I think it was just that. I just wanted to point out...

TH: Yes, get it together Parsons Nicholas will you!

NP: I thought you were had him for hesitation.

CF: No.

HD: No.

TH: No.

NP: Oh right! All right Clement you have another point, 52 seconds on dam starting now.

CF: If England goalkeepers would only watch that movie and do what the great man in Holland did and catch the bombs as they came, as many of you will have seen on an advertisement for lager whose name actually escapes me.


NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: Well he's just stopped now, hasn't he. I think...

NP: He said that it escaped him.

TH: I'll go, I'll go for hesitation.

NP: You've gone the right way, 33 seconds on dam starting now.

TH: Damn is an expletive which people often use when they lose their temper. For example they might stub their toe on the corner of the bed and then go "damn! I wish I hadn't done that!" Sometimes they might get even more angry than that and say another expletive with it...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two expletives.

NP: Two expletives. Yes.

TH: Right.

NP: So Clement you have dam back and 15 seconds starting now.

CF: Bum is another word.


NP: Yes?

TH: I think that's all he wanted to point out!

NP: He did so. And he got his laugh and you got in and you've got 10 seconds on dam starting now.

TH: Bum indeed is another word, but the subject of course is dam. Dam is a thing which you put at the end of water to stop it going over the end. I..


NP: That was the last round and I will just give you the final score. This week it is very very close. There's hardly a point between any of them. Clement Freud and High Dennis were in third place equal just two points behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey who's never played the game before. But he was just two points behind our winner, because Tony Hawks has most points. He came with a flourish at the end with his dams and he's damned the others to be our victor this week! Tony Hawks! Thank you very much indeed. It only remains for me to say on behalf of these four bright players of the game, thank you very much indeed. Also our producer Sarah Smith, the creator of the game Ian Messiter and also Miriam Jones who's been keeping the score and blowing her whistle so magnificently. And also we're delighted to be here in Norwich and I do thank our audience here for giving us such warmth and encouragement as we play Just A Minute. We hope all the listeners at home will join us once more as we take to the air and play this delightful game. Until then from all of us here good-bye.