JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 March 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Aimi Macdonald and Clement Freud in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello, welcome once again to Just A Minute. As you've heard we welcome back once more the lovely Aimi Macdonald to try and do battle with these three clever exponents of the game. And they're all going to try and speak, not all together, but separately on some unlikely subject for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. And according to how well they do this, they will score points or otherwise. Let us start off this week with Aimi Macdonald. Aimi would you try and speak for Just A Minute on the subject of how to be good starting now.

AIMI MACDONALD: Well it depends very much on what you want to be good at. If you want to be a good doctor, you go to school, and then you go to university for a very long time. And if you work very hard and er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged. Why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation alas yes. Clement Freud there are 44 seconds left for how to be good starting now.

CF: The best way of being good is by not being bad. By cutting out one's dirty, vicious and nasty habits, looking up towards the heavens, and promising to put sin in its right place. And invite oneself to all the right things in life. What a...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was a slight hesitation there. Derek you have 26 seconds to talk on how to be good starting now.

DN: Well when I feel particularly good, I go to my wardrobe and I take out my good suit and I put that on. It's particularly lovely...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, it's not about goodness at all! Good suits! Good doctors! It's not about the subject! How to be good! That's the subject! It's alllllll deviation!

NP: You make your point with such emphasis Kenneth. Well all right Kenneth, I will award you a point and you have 19 seconds for talking about how to be good starting now.

KW: The way to be good is to follow one's conscience. This has been proven historically. That is the only way in which you can be good and lead a proper life. Ask yourself daily, at the end of the day, how much...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged, why?

KW: Ohhhhhhh!

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition of what?

CF: Ask yourself daily is repetition.

KW: Oh that's good! Oh!

NP: I think the only fair thing to do here for that rather clever er challenge Clement is to give you a point for cleverness and leave the subject with Kenneth Williams who continues with four seconds on how to be good starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek...

KW: Oh why! I haven't started!

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation!

DN: Was it you?

NP: All right, yes, one second has gone so probably, and Kenneth didn't speak. So you have another point Derek Nimmo, and...

KW: Hitherto I regarded him as a friend!

NP: Perhaps you'll have a chance to get your own back Kenneth. Derek Nimmo you have three seconds on how to be good starting now.

DN: I think the best way to be good really is to read the second chapter..

WHISTLE

KW: He just picks it! Coming in at the last minute!

NP: I should explain for those who may not know the game well that whoever is speaking when the whistle goes actually gains an extra point...

KW: Yeah! And didn't he know it! Mmmmm!

NP: That was Kenneth Williams referring to Derek Nimmo who has a slight lead at the end of the first round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the second round for us. Something I'm sure that you can tell us a lot about, you always seem to give this impression.

KW: Yeah?

NP: Kenneth the subject is things I say when I'm happy. All right I haven't said now. You have 60 seconds starting now.

KW: The things I say when I am happy are manifold. I look in the mirror and say "you are fab, you really are! Yes I'm beautiful, simply beautiful! When a rose sees me coming, it wilts! Oh my physical charms are so ample, I set Helen of Troy an example!" Those are the sorts of things I say when I'm happy. I've even been known to do the odd dance. I do the odd pirouet, you see...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, the things that I say, I mean things I say.

NP: And he talked about things he does.

CF: Yes. Exactly.

NP: All right Clement Freud you have a point... and Kenneth Williams has admitted defeat. And there are 33 seconds for things I say when I'm happy Clement starting now.

CF: I usually look in the mirror and say "mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of us all?" And my mirror who is extraordinarily honest says "Kenneth Williams". This is a blow that in no way stops me from my natural flow. So that I go to my small wife and my large children and say "little ones I have words to say unto you, I am cheerful and optimistic..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: That's a definite hesitation.

NP: All right Kenneth, all right yes...

CF: What do you mean?

NP: You got a point, and you have five seconds left, you ready?

KW: What's the subject?

NP: Things I say when I'm happy...

KW: Yes!

NP: ..starting now.

KW: And then I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No there was no hesitation! Less than half a second went! Kenneth Williams has another point... Are you standing by Kenneth? I have to warn you, I think you must watch out here. And things I say when I'm happy starting now.

KW: Well...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: That was hesitation.

NP: That was hesitation, yes indeed. There are three seconds left for you Clement Freud to talk about things I say when I'm happy starting now.

CF: It is a far far...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

CF: Oh! (laughs)

NP: I think you carry it too far then Derek, I think to be utterly fair it's still with Clement Freud, he has two and a half seconds for things I say when I'm happy starting now.

CF: Send a Victorious, happy in bog roll...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, he gains an extra point and with the other points some of which I think Kenneth helped him get in that round, he has taken a small lead at the end of the second round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the third round for us, my favourite zoo animal. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: My favourite zoo animal is Mr Blenkinsopp. He is the attendant in the reptile house. His Christian names are Clement and Kenneth. He was called the first name because his father was a tremendous admirer of Lord Attlee and his mother called him by the second name...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AM: Oh deviation definitely, he's on to politics now.

DN: I think I...

NP: I think that was a very clever challenge Aimi so we give you the subject now...

DN: Oh!

NP: ...of my favourite zoo animal with 41 seconds left starting now.

AM: Oh at last! Um my...

BUZZ

AM: Oh!

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Deviation, she said now at last.

NP: And also hesitation. Yes.

AM: Oh.

NP: So Derek Nimmo you have another point, you have the subject back again of my favourite zoo animal and there are 39 seconds starting now.

DN: And his mother called him Kenneth because he was frightened by The Wind in the Willows. One of the interesting things about this chap in the reptile house. Every day when he comes in he has a little packet of sandwiches with him. And when he opens it up, you'll never guess what's inside. He has...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this has nothing about my favourite zoo animal.

AM: Yes!

NP: Kenneth Williams you have the subject, you have 26 seconds for my favourite zoo animal starting now.

KW: My favourite zoo animal is of course the elephant. Where else in the world do you see such lugubriously good natured things. Only...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation...

AM: Yes!

NP: Derek you have the subject back of my favourite zoo animal, 14 seconds left starting now.

DN: The subject of my favourite zoo animal actually is a very interesting one. Because people have different opinions of what exactly they are...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Deviation. People have different opinions is nothing about what we're talking about.

NP: They can have different opinions about the zoo animal. I think it wasn't quite justified Kenneth so Derek Nimmo has another point, there are six seconds left Derek for my favourite zoo animal starting now.

DN: So in the reptile house he opened the packet of sandwiches...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I don't know, I just don't seem to have said anything for a while!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

NP: Absolutely right, you haven't said anything for quite a long time. Maybe the subject's inhibiting you in some way Clement. But all that happens is that Derek has another point and there are four seconds for my favourite zoo animal starting now.

DN: And he has a very dear wife and they went to Bognor for their holidays...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why...

AM: Deviation.

NP: Yes!

AM: Bognor! I mean...

KW: Yes it's been all deviation for hours!

DN: If I may say, we're still talking about my favourite zoo animal...

NP: You've been going on rather too long.

DN: I did establish that he...

NP: Aimi Macdonald has a point for deviation...

DN: Oh!

NP: And there's one second left for my favourite zoo animal Aimi starting now.

AM: My favourite zoo animal...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo has a lead of one over Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams is in third place, Aimi Macdonald is in fourth place. And Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, Clement Freud, the common touch. Will you discourse on this for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: One of the commonest touches I ever made was when I went to my bank manager and said, "how do I stand for an overdarft?" And he said "you don't, but you grovel!" As a result of this....

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CF: As a result of this I got no money at all so I had to make another common touch. I raised my right hand and placed it firmly on Mr Kenneth Williams' left knee which many of you will agree is a pretty common touch. As this is the subject I'm allowed to repeat it yet again, common touch. But there are many other actions...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was yes. I thought a little while ago when you were rather hysterical, it was also rather devious. Twenty-five seconds Kenneth for the common touch starting now.

KW: This is a phrase which I take to mean, if you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs and still retain the common touch. These are of course the words of the poet...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: If you lose your head you have nothing to guide your hands.

NP: A very clever challenge Clement but that was your common touch that you were talking about. We're on to a different type of common touch that Kenneth Williams was talking about. So Kenneth has another point and he has six seconds for the common touch starting now.

KW: And in a way the man that wrote those lines did indeed have the common touch. Because he had mixed with Princes and great statesmen and...

WHISTLE

NP: Since Kenneth Williams joined us, he's used the phrase which has crept on to many people's hearts. Have I leapt into the lead? And this time he has leapt into the lead!

KW: Oh good! Oh joyful day!

NP: Alongside Derek Nimmo.

KW: Oh!

NP: And here's a good subject for you to talk on if you're fully worked up...

KW: Oh?

NP: The subject is pulling faces. Having pulled a very good one before to me, Kenneth would you talk on pulling faces starting now.

KW: This is something I frequently do in front of a mirror. And I have been assured by men of the medical profession that it is very good for the skin. Because you make it even more elastic with each, so to speak, acrobatic gyration that you make with your face or your facial muscles as the men of medicine would have it. Now the pulling of the face is obviously to generally achieve a comic effect.

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid... I must explain...

KW: No, I was demonstrating!

NP: I know! He was demonstrating but I'm afraid it still means a pause in this game. If all of them were to demonstrate some of the subjects they had had we'd be in a very queer street by now!

KW: I've been in a queer street for ages! I see your point actually! And I do think you're a very good chairman actually.

NP: Oh Kenneth! I'm overwhelmed! Anyway at the end of all that Clement Freud has another point, he has 25 seconds left for pulling faces starting now.

CF: You get your face on to a wrack, putting one ear into a vice. And you pull at the other ear until the nose splits down the middle...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Absolutely disgusting!

KW: Yes!

DN: Horrid! Revolting! Degrading!

KW: There's no need for filth, is there?

DN: Absolute degradation!

NP: However...

DN: Typical of the man!

NP: ...degrading, revolting, obnoxious it may be, within the rules of the game it is not devious. And therefore I must still be with Clement Freud who has another point and he has 17 seconds for pulling faces starting now.

CF: As you engage your right hand on your left ear...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AM: He's talking about hands and ears now. Deviation.

NP: Very good. Putting his hands in his ears is definitely deviation. Aimi Macdonald you have 13 and a half seconds for pulling faces starting now.

AM: Oh the best way to leave a face is to get a bit of a plasticine, you see, and make a little face on it. And then you can pull it all sorts of different ways. And in doing this you can have, oh, hours of entertainment...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo, a very erudite subject for you, what Socrates said. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Socrates said many things of tremendous import and fascination. One of the things, I suppose, that he's most remembered for really, one of the things he said just before he died, when he said "before I take this poison I'm going to bath myself to spare the women the toil of washing me down when I'm dead". Which I really think is a terribly nice thing to do, don't you? Most considerate and kind. Also every morning when he used to get up, he used to look across the water and say "oh look at the wine-dark sea this morning". It was quite a catchphrase of his, terribly popular it was. Other things he used to say were "hello", "what-ho" and the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He didn't say what-ho!

KW: Yes!

CF: He really, really...

NP: Who am I to say...

CF: ...didn't!

DN: How do you know?

NP: Well you could always say because he didn't speak English, he didn't say what-ho. But who am I to judge on a subject such as that?

CF: Oh go on! What-ho! Really!

NP: What-ho...

KW: In ancient Greek! What-ho!

NP: Yes! Probably the colloquial translation of modern English into some Latin phrase is what-ho. So audience would you like to tell us what you think about this what-ho business. If you think that Clement Freud's challenge was justified, will you please cheer. If you think it was unjustified, will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek Nimmo, your whatho gives you another point and you have 20 seconds for what Socrates said starting now.

DN: Towards nightfall he used to stand on the rock and say...

BUZZ

NP: Clement... Kenneth Williams, why do you...

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Towards nightfall he used to stand on the rock! We're talking about what Socrates said, not where he stood!

NP: All right Kenneth, you have another point, you have 16 seconds for what Socrates said starting now.

KW: What he actually said was "trip over to craggy Ethica where..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Derek you have another point and you have 11 and a half seconds for what Socrates said starting now.

DN: "My dear wife could you..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Clement you have a point and you have 10 seconds for what Socrates said starting now.

CF: "What-ho, I must get into my bath..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well obviously, he challenged it formerly! How can he now repeat it?

CF: I lost! It was ruled that he did say what-ho!

NP: So Kenneth....

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: Ah! Cheeky!

NP: I think you didn't quite understand what the challenge was.

CF: Yes he did.

NP: Did he?

CF: Mmmmm.

NP: All right Kenneth, by not paying attention to the game Clement Freud has another point and there are 11, no there are six seconds Clement for what Socrates said starting now.

CF: He also said...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: That was hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Kenneth you have another point, you have five seconds for what Socrates said starting now.

KW: He said (full-speed Stanley Unwin gibberish)

WHISTLE

DN: What did that mean?

NP: And I thought Kenneth was right, that was perfect Latin, he was speaking at the end! That's exactly what Socrates said. So Kenneth you have increased your lead somewhat. You now have two over the rivals...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud wanted to say something.

CF: Deviation. Socrates was Greek.

NP: What did I say?

KW: Latin.

NP: But you see, all Latin is Greek to me.

KW: Haha! That is brilliant! Oh that is brilliant!

CF: Nicholas wants Probean.

NP: Well Mr Probean Freud, it is your turn to begin the next round for us. And there are 60 seconds for you to talk on the subject of judging a baby show starting now.

CF: This is something which I have been asked to do from time to time. It involves looking at children who mewl and puke in public places. You take their limbs one by one, and begin by...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well I think it's a disgusting load of filth! Take their limbs one by one!

NP: So you're challenging on what score?

KW: Deviation of course.

NP: Yes if you're going to dismember them, that is deviation.

KW: Exactly! Exactly!

NP: So Kenneth you have the subject, there are 47 seconds for judging a baby show starting now.

KW: What you go by when you're judging a baby show is health, their genuine appearance, of course natural features like lovely blue eyes and blonde curls. So after health and disposition...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why do you challenge?

DN: Repetition, after health, we had health before.

NP: All right Derek, you have a point, you have 32 seconds for judging a baby show starting now.

DN: Yes I love judging baby shows actually. One of the fascinating things is one is asked to sometimes really. And they're always beautiful children that are in front of you...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AM: Well he's stopped talking about babies and he's talking about children now.

KW: Yes!

NP: Yes.

AM: Deviation.

NP: Very good, all right Aimi you have another point and you have 23 seconds for judging a baby show starting now.

AM: Well I've never...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why do you...

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Aimi Macdonald has another point...

AM: I was only breathing!

NP: No, it's all right. You have 22 and a half seconds for judging a baby show starting now.

AM: Er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, well all right Clement, you got it this time. There is one point to you, 21 seconds for judging a baby show starting now.

CF: It is essential that all children should have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Otherwise their chances of success...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why did you challenge?

KW: Nobody could have 10 fingers!

NP: You're quite right! You were certainly paying attention that time, weren't you?

KW: Well I've never heard anything like 10 fingers!

NP: He'll have 10 thumbs next!

KW: Yes! Exactly! Exactement!

NP: So Kenneth there are 16 and a half seconds for judging a baby show starting now.

KW: After the general appearance of the child and shall I say the disposition of the child, you next consider the way he speaks. If he speaks...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, why do you challenge?

CF: Deviation, it's a baby show.

NP: Yes we've had... I've given it once, I must give it again. Yes we're talking about babies and not children. So Clement has another point. Clement Freud there are nine seconds for judging a baby show starting now.

CF: It is essential that 10 toenails and also 10 fingernails, all of which should be in good condition...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: This is disgusting! We don't want to hear about fingernails and toenails! Sounds like a positive witch's cauldron! The whole thing!

NP: Why are you challenging?

KW: Because it's deviation. It's disgusting!

NP: Why? Why is it devious?

KW: Because it's filth!

NP: Quickly, tell me in 10 seconds! Why is it... why is it... you can't challenge him for filth.

KW: Oh? Well, because I want to speak then!

NP: I don't think you're justified. Clement Freud has another point, there are four seconds left for judging a baby show Clement starting now.

CF: It is usual to have at least four judges, some of whom are male and some...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round it is a very exciting situation. Kenneth Williams still has the lead but only one in front of Clement Freud who is only three in front of Derek Nimmo. Aimi Macdonald is trailing a little but now comes her chance with the subject of the last time I played hockey. Aimi I'm sure you can tell us a lot about that. Sixty seconds will do starting now.

AM: Well the last time I played hockey, a very strange thing happened. You see we were all assembled on the field and about to start to play when all of the sudden the cap, the captain, the hockey...

BUZZ


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: It wasn't a hesitation.

AM: I was stuttering. I didn't...

NP: Yes but she said the cup captain...

AM: I know.

NP: It was her cup captain you see. So she has another point and there are 47 seconds for the last time I played hockey Aimi starting now.

AM: The last time I played hockey, as I said, a very funny thing happened.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition, as I said.

AM: Aw!

NP: Yes! A clever challenge which I can only award to you Derek.

AM: Oh you're rotten.

DN: Oh?

NP: There are 45 seconds for you to take up the subject... have you quite finished playing with Aimi Macdonald?

AM: Put me down!

NP: If you like... put Aimi Macdonald down. Now will you talk about the last time I played hockey, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: The last time I played hockey I said ha ha ha ha ha...

BUZZ

DN: Oh!

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Oh ha.

CF: Ha. Hahahahahaha!

NP: Clement, the last time I played hockey, 40 seconds starting now.

CF: Was in a muddy Berkshire field where I went to school and was told to play in a purple and green shirt against another side which was called Bracknell. My position...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why did you challenge?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes!

CF: (laughs)

NP: I don't think I can give it to you this time Aimi. I'd like to, so um Clement Freud has another point, he has 29 seconds, the last time I played hockey starting now.

CF: My position was left half and I was ordered to hit the ball to the right back in what was called a bully-off which we did with some skill. Our sticks went up and down, met two more...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, sticks going up and down.

KW: Oh yes!

DN: Very repetitious!

NP: Yes! As I think this is the last round and we want to make it as keen as possible Derek Nimmo you have another point, you have 18 seconds for the last time I played hockey starting now.

DN: It was on a patch of gravel in Farmerguspa in Cyprus. We only had seven men on each side because we couldn't boast a full team...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: If you only had seven men on each side, he wasn't playing hockey. Therefore it's deviation.

NP: Yes indeed! Yes! You might... he was playing a very strange kind of hockey indeed.

KW: Indeed it was! And I bet his hockey is strange! I could tell you... I could tell you things that would make your hair curl, dear! Oh!

NP: Well you have 10 seconds in which to tell us about these things Kenneth... work them in to the last time I played hockey starting now.

KW: The last time I played hockey, my heart was young and gay. I saw the blossoms in the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: I don't believe his heart was ever young and gay!

NP: Some people think that Kenneth Williams' heart is forever young and gay! So Kenneth has another point and he has four seconds for the last time I played hockey starting now.

KW: And I saw the laughter in my heart in every street cafe! I saw...

WHISTLE

KW: Right!

NP: Well Kenneth Williams' laughing gay heart has done something for him once again this week.

KW: Oh!

NP: I'll keep the surprise to the end. I'll read backwards and tell you the end of the final round. Aimi Macdonald came a good fourth. And a little in front of her was Derek Nimmo who was in second place. Clement Freud was in third place. And this week's winner by one point, one precious point was our Kenneth Williams, this week's winner.

KW: Oh!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.