JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 January 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard Aimi Macdonald has very courageously come back again after an absence, to um, and after the way the three men were so rude to her the last time she was here, to try and pit her wits and do battle in this game of Just A Minute. And I am going to ask them to speak as usual if they can on some subject I will give them, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we begin the show this week with Aimi Macdonald who just failed to beat the three regular competitors last time. Aimi the subject which Ian Messiter has thought of for you is how to think. Can you talk on it for 60 seconds...

AIMI MACDONALD: Oh ask Kenneth top stop laughing at me now!

NP: Well I must say Kenneth Williams, who sits opposite Aimi Macdonald, he's being very naughty, he's putting his hands over his eyes and trying to dry her up! Kenneth behave yourself, let Aimi try to talk on how to think, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: This is very difficult to do. (dissolves into laughter)

LOUD LONG LAUGHTER FROM AM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I will explain afterwards what the laughter is. Now keep going because no-one has challenged you.

AM: Well it's especially difficult to do when you've got Derek Nimmo's toes floating around in front of your face. However if you really want to concentrate the very best thing to do is to shut your eyes and block everything out of your mind and really meditate. This takes an awful...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Well she's either hesitating or meditating, I wasn't quite sure!

NP: Well I think she was probably asphyxiated actually from the... I mention that last thing because obviously the listeners could hear. A huge laugh at the beginning was Aimi was looking at Kenneth and worried that she would dry up. And Derek very quietly got his shoes off and shoved his toes under her nose, and she suddenly looked down and there was his toes wriggling away inside his socks. And she just couldn't go...

AM: (can hardly speak for laughing) I could see his legs! And it looked like an animal, you know!

NP: I know! His toes do look like animal's, I know it's very embarrassing because there's a little hole in the desk where they sit and they came shooting up there just like two black sinister animals...

AM: Oh dear!

NP: Right Derek, I agree with your challenge of hesitation and you get a point for a correct challenge and there are 28 seconds on how to think starting now.

DN: One has different ways. The way I like to think most of all is to stand on my head and balance a turnip on my left foot and a carrot on my right one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of foot.

DN: I didn't, left foot and right one.

NP: Yes.

CF: You could have fooled me!

DN: Well I did obviously!

NP: An incorrect challenge so Derek gets a point and 15 seconds on how to think Derek starting now.

DN: A few weeks ago I went to a monastery in Kandy which is in Sri Lanka which used to be called Ceylon, and there there were a lot of monks deeply involved in meditation. And this to me was a most salutary lesson. Clad in their saffron robes, they sat for hours and...

WHISTLE

NP: That loud whistle which came right in my ear and made me almost jump out of my seat told me that 60 seconds was up. And the one speaking then, as you know, gets the extra point, and it was of course Derek Nimmo on this occasion. So at the end of that round Derek Nimmo has three points and everybody else is yet to score. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is listeners' letters. Would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I had one which said "Dear Kenneth, to listen to you is to have a rare treat. Those dulcet tones..."

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Shut your row! It's true!

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Well deviation and er...

NP: I bet there was no letter which said "oh shut your cakehole", yes! So I quite agree...

AM: No.

NP: Not in a listener's letter, no. Aimi you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 51 seconds on listener's letters starting now.

AM: Listeners' letters can be very pretty, or they can be very disturbing and depressing. The thing is one likes to open's one mail and see something nice about one. Oh no that's all wrong...

BUZZ

AM: I said that three times.

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of one one one.

NP: Yes Clement you have a point and we're going to hear from you now on the subject of listeners' letters and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

CF: I'm very pleased to say I never get any listeners' letters which seem to be reserved for Nicholas Parsons who constantly talks of them. At almost every occasion Nicholas Parsons states...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Terrible repetition of Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Yes.

AM: Yeah.

NP: For once he remembered. In the show a little while ago he corrected me for my grammar...

CF: I thought you couldn't say Nicholas Parsons often enough on this show. This is what he said to me earlier on...

NP: Mmmm, it's quite a change of nature that Clement Freud shows on occasions, isn't it. You can't get round me that way Clement. There are 26 seconds on last letters with you Derek starting now.

DN: The letters that Nicholas Parsons gets, of course, are written by himself and that's why he gets so many. And sometimes by his dear 80-year-old mother who, which shows you that he's knocking 60, and therefore he does tend to get rather more than most people. I did get once a listener's letter which was sent to me, "why can't that awful chairman be banished from the programme? Because he is so foolish and inept and can't hear..."

WHISTLE

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Why Kenneth...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Why Kenneth...

KW: He don't half make me laugh!

NP: Kenneth I'm usually very gentle with you, I thought. Why you should laugh when Derek Nimmo is being so rude about me is beyond my...

KW: You know that it's all in the spirit of a game! Come on!

NP: I sometimes wonder!

KW: What it was old Newbolt said?

NP: What was old Newbolt was...

KW: There's a deathly hush in the Close tonight
An hour to play and the last man in
Something about the game innit.

NP: Yes.

KW: Something about the game, the spirit of the game, there's no, there's no calumny there, I can assure you.

NP: Good! I'm glad you've reassured us, especially the listeners. Derek the subject is backing. You begin and 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Particularly if you're a pop group, it's very important to have the right backing. I mean Gerry and his Pacemakers, Freddy and the Dreamers, Cliff Richard couldn't have done without his Shadows. I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He has done without the Shadows!

KW: Oh brilliant! He's brilliant! That's marvellous!

NP: Forty-seven seconds on backing with you Clement starting now.

CF: One of the most difficult things when you're playing the front part of a horse is backing if you're not in communion with the colleague performing the rights of the chap behind you. A friend of mine working in a circus in Market Harbourer experienced such a thing on Christmas Day in nineteen hundred and twenty-nine...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, theatres don't play on Christmas day.

NP: Exactly Derek, you're perfectly correct.

KW: Exactly yes! That's very good!

DN: It's good isn't it.

NP: Thirty seconds on backing Derek starting now.

DN: I went to Sandown race course last week and this is in fact...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

SILENCE

NP: I quite agree Aimi, deviation.

LAUGHTER FROM AM

NP: You have 24 seconds on backing starting now.

AM: No, wait a minute...

BUZZ

AM: No, I...

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

AM: No, I really, I started...

NP: Hesitation Derek, you have 22 seconds on backing starting now.

DN: Backing my car...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. Hesitation, yes Aimi.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: You have 20 seconds on backing Aimi starting now.

AM: When I took my driving test, I found the most difficult part of the whole thing was backing the car into a parking spot. In order to do this properly one has to get the car alongside...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of car.

NP: Yes Clement and you have six seconds on backing starting now.

CF: If you back a horse at nine to four and it wins and your place money was four pounds 72...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Clement Freud speaking then as the whistle went gained that extra point. At the end of the round Derek Nimmo is in the lead, closely followed by Clement Freud, and Aimi Macdonald and Kenneth are a little way behind them. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, what experience has taught me. Can you tell us something of your vast experience and what you've learned in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: What experience has taught me predominantly was that if you jumped off the Eiffel Tower on a pogo stick, your chances of not breaking your ankle are remote. But there are many other things which experience has taught me. One of them being to be permanently and steadily courteous to the chairman of Just A Minute. This sort of thing pays enormous dividends and Nicholas Parsons is capable and in fact liable to ask us to dinner as a result. His lovely wife Denise opens the door, they live in a rather depressed area of northwest London and apologises for the smell of cabbage which permeates the air of Hampstead Heath. You wipe your feet on the mat, apologise once more for being late...

BUZZ

CF: I said apologise before.

AM: Yes.

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: He said apologise. I've got one right, haven't I!

NP: Yes you have! Well done Aimi!

AM: He said apologise twice! (laughs)

NP: And you have...

AM: Wait a minute, I've forgotten what the subject is!

NP: I'm just about to give it to you. I've still got that small of stale cabbage which is in my house up my nose at the moment! There are 15 seconds on what experience has taught me, with you Aimi Macdonald, starting now.

AM: The...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, it couldn't have taught her anything!

NP: Oh...

CF: You only have to listen to her!

AM: That's very rude!

NP: It's very rude, but all that happens Aimi, is they do these rude things in order that you will get an extra point because everybody wants you to, not to suffer in this particular way. You get a bonus point, no not a, a legitimate point for a wrong challenge and there are 14 seconds on what experience has taught me starting now.

AM: There are many different walks of life where many kinds of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: Yes.

CF: Repetition of many.

NP: Yes I'm afraid we allow the many yes.

AM: Oh yes I am practising that. I'm afraid I just can't do it!

NP: I think you're doing extremely well. I wouldn't worry. You nearly won last time you were here.

AM: No I mean repeating myself, I do it all the time.

NP: Yes I know, but you got in very well with the other challenge on apologise, no-one else was listening. Ten seconds on what experience has taught me Clement starting now.

CF: What experience has taught me is that Derek Nimmo dresses impeccably. Every afternoon when I meet him in a new suit...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: He doesn't meet me every afternoon!

CF: I didn't say that. I said every afternoon when I...

DN: And anyway I don't dress impeccably every afternoon, I often wear just knickers...

NP: He did actually say that Derek, he said every afternoon when I've met him...

DN: But I taught him that I dress impeccably. Most of the time I run around in rather grubby...

CF: We'll get to that in a moment!

NP: I think it was an incorrect um incorrect challenge. And Clement has a point with three seconds to go starting now.

CF: And yet sometimes he runs around in grubby...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking then as the whistle went has moved forward. He's now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin. The subject, Cleopatra. Would you talk about her, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I once visited that beautiful city of Heliopolis. And originally at the gates were two enormous obelisks with a copper top. And the furnished reflection of these objects when the morning sun's rays hit them, hailed the new day in the fashion of Brague which was of course...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He's not said a word about Cleopatra! It was a Cook's tour of Egypt.

NP: Can you now justify Cleopatra in your...

KW: Of course, the two obelisks, one now stands on the embankment and is called Cleopatra's Needle, and the other is in New York.

NP: I know, but you didn't make that very clear, did you?

KW: I said the two obelisks at the gates of Heliopolis.

NP: I know but all right, they are Cleopatra's Needle. So all right, we'll leave it with you. We'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but you must be more explicit in future for the listeners who don't know and Derek Nimmo as well. Thirty...

KW: Well he goes off into this Adamantine stuff about you know, monasteries and...

NP: It's all right, I'm with you, you have a point...

KW: You know he goes off on his specialised things!

NP: Yes...

KW: It's a disgrace, him picking on me!

NP: Well I know, Cleopatra's Needle is your specialised thing and you have 35 seconds on the subject of Cleopatra starting now.

KW: Needle is in that sense a euphemism because of course...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald is challenged.

AM: Deviation, we're not really talking about Cleo, I mean Cleopatra and Cleopatra's Needle is two different things, isn't it?

NP: Well no, her Needle was named after Cleopatra I think.

AM: Was it?

NP: Oh yes.

CF: Which came first?

KW: The chicken or the egg?

CF: The Needle or Cleopatra?

NP: Anyway Cleopatra is concerned in it and that is the subject on the card, and so whether you put the Needle in as well, it doesn't really matter...

AM: Yes but...

NP: And there's plenty of needle in this game I can tell you. Kenneth you keep the subject and you have 32 seconds starting now.

KW: And of course it was said of Cleopatra, the barge she sat in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What?

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: I know, aren't you rotten! I'm not going to let you have it this time.

KW: That's a part of speech anyway.

NP: Don't say it again please or otherwise I'll have to give it against you Kenneth. Thirty seconds on Cleopatra starting now.

KW: The barge she sat in, like a burnished throne,
Burnt on the water
The poop was beaten gold
Purple the sails...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you again.

CF: We've already had a burnished.

NP: I'm afraid we have.

KW: No, I was interrupted, you great fool!

CF: No...

KW: Why don't your shut your mouth and let me get it out! I can't get it out! How can I get it out when you keep on bringing up some rubbishy footling objection!

NP: Well it is....

KW: I've come all the way from Great Portland Street! I haven't come to listen to this rubbish! I mean I've come here and I expect a bit of respect you know.

NP: I'm afraid Kenneth...

KW: Yes!

NP: You don't give a lot of respect to others.

KW: I've been thrown out of better places than this!

NP: And I'm afraid it is part of the game of Just A Minute that you are interrupted. And this was a correct challenge, Clement you have 28 seconds on Cleopatra starting now.

CF: When I was very young I acted in a play called Caesar And Cleopatra in which I took the part of Pftatateeta who was a nurse. And it was a particularly good characterisation because at the age of 11...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, this is all about him playing in a play and the subject is Cleopatra. And we're not discussing Cleopatra at all, we're discussing him in some play! Some rotten old play! And I bet he weren't any good in it anyway! So I think the whole thing is devious and I should get the subject back! Obviously...

NP: But I'm afraid Kenneth, Pftatateeta was Cleopatra's nurse in the play by George Bernard Shaw of Cleo...

KW: The subject is Cleopatra, not plays dear! The subject is written down, it is Cleopatra, not...

NP: He was not deviating from the subject on the card so he must keep it and go on for 14 seconds...

KW: Rotten chairman!

NP: ... starting now.

CF: The boy who played Cleopatra was a tremendous friend of mine and many people talked about this. There was a scandal in 1936 in which neither of us were fortunately involved. But several men were sent to Dartmoor as a result...

WHISTLE

NP: And if you'd challenged Kenneth on that scandal in 1936 in which men got sent to Dartmoor, I would have allowed it because I don't believe it. Yes I'll give you the score. Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went, he's moved into the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo at the end of the round. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin. How it should be done, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I think it should be done very slowly at about four o'clock in the afternoon. In a lovely meadow with daisies and buttercups flowering all around me. With the sun shining, burnishing Cleopatra's Needle...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he was taking the rise out of me and I'm not going to allow it! I mean, I'm not going to be taken the rise out of!

NP: Kenneth if I got upset every time anybody took the rise out of me, I would never come back!

KW: But you loved it! I can see you laughed away! You enjoyed it didn't you! Oh yes well...

NP: You're quite...

KW: It's easy to take the rise! Anyone, anyone can take the rise!

NP: You've done it many times!

KW: I think it's disgusting! Rotten cheap tricks like that! Anyone could... Thank you! Thank you!

NP: He's feeling a bit better now because Clement Freud is...

KW: Well it was devious!

NP: No it wasn't! It's how it should be done! He was describing the situation in which how should it be done.

KW: Nonsense, he echoed all that stuff about my talking about the obelisks.

NP: No he didn't, he just happened to say about the sun shining down on Cleopatra's Needle. It probably does sometimes. We all know that's on the Embankment, not very far from where we are recording this programme. Derek you keep the subject and there are 40 seconds on how it should be done starting now.

DN: How it should be done in Great Portland Street is quite a different matter really. Preferably with...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged again.

KW: Because this is all so devious! I mean you keep on about how it should be done, but what is being done? We don't know!

AM: No!

KW: I mean what is it you're doing dear? Do let us know!

NP: Yes you've already been going for 27 seconds and you haven't got to anything that's being done. So Kenneth you have the subject and there are 34 seconds on how it should be done starting now.

KW: (very quickly) How it should be done is this. You should have the protagonist, the antagonist, and then you make a resume. And then you say to people this...

BUZZ

KW: What?

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

KW: Who's challenging now?

AM: I can't understand! He's just babbling, he's hesitating...

NP: Well he was trying to go...

AM: He could be saying anything!

NP: ... quickly because he knew if he didn't go quickly you would challenge him for going slowly and pausing. So I'm afraid...

AM: No, but there is...

KW: Why don't you shut up! You shouldn't have women on this show at all!

NP: No no ...

KW: Having women on the show!

NP: ... he keeps the subject on this occasion Aimi.

KW: It's disgraceful!

NP: Kenneth you continue on how it should be done, 29 seconds left starting now.

KW: The incident, the innocent, the er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you...

KW: You ruined me! You put me off! She was making faces and behaving ridiculously!

NP: Aimi Macdonald is now learning how to play the game. She's making faces at Kenneth Williams and putting him off! The same as he put Aimi off before! Clement what is your challenge?

CF: Either a repetition or a deviation.

NP: Neither. Kenneth keeps the subject and there are 26 seconds...

CF: What, the innocent, the innocent?

NP: There are 26 seconds Kenneth, how it should be done starting now.

KW: How it should be done is the right way. In other words if somebody has...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He said right way before.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you did Derek, ah Kenneth.

KW: Well you've been mucking about so much, one wonders what one has said. I think you should show more generosity of spirit!

NP: Yes he should do, but he has the subject now, 14 seconds, how it should be done starting now.

DN: How it should be done is quite simple really. You bend the lady back across your knee like that, stroke her up and down her thigh, approach her through...

BUZZ

DN: ... and pulling her neck...

NP: (shouts) And Clement Freud has challenged! Before Derek Nimmo went too far by illustrating...

CF: Deviation, he hasn't said what he's doing!

NP: Well done Clement! A very good challenge! I'm going to give you a bonus for er er um anyway. Four seconds on how it should be done Derek...

AM: I must say you just use me on this programme!

NP: You've now realised, have you Aimi?

AM: Yes!

NP: Well that's why we love having you around.

AM: I'm not here for my talent at all!

NP: I think er... Derek is taking advantage of you...

DN: If you'd given me another five seconds, I'd have shown you!

NP: Even in front of this audience, if he can be so aroused as that by your talent, I should think you'd be very flattered! Four seconds on how it should be done Clement starting now.

CF: How it should be done is to pace out one hundred yards, step by step...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud increased his lead. Aimi Macdonald and Kenneth Williams are both trailing in third and fourth place respectively. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject, space shots. Will you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: To have a successful space shot it is essential to begin a countdown, preferably at 90, 89, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one and so right down to the lowest digit at which point somebody shouts "blast off" and so with a mushroom cloud ranging into the sky, a capsule leaves for some destination which may or may not be known to the audience...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He said may twice.

NP: He did, didn't he, yes. You have a point for that Kenneth...

CF: It's a figure of speech! That's more than you did to me!

NP: For once you were listening very carefully.

KW: So intent!

NP: I know! Thirty-three seconds on space shots Kenneth starting now.

KW: These shots that you take in space can be taken with a brownie. And the best thing to do is to go to a chemist...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, all these nasty things he's doing with a brownie! I think it's disgusting!

NP: They may be disgusting! But he didn't mean what you did, you made it disgusting with your challenge! Kenneth you have a point and you have 27 seconds on space shots starting now.

KW: Provided you stop down to the right shutter at the acture, then you will get a good... don't challenge me on the subject...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud did.

KW: Well what a mean thing to do! You know I've got an impediment! How dare you!

NP: You've never had it before!

KW: Well it's come!

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you as well. Clement your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes all right, 21 seconds on space shots Clement starting now.

CF: In the universe there are at this moment a great number of objects floating from left...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of number.

NP: Yes you talked...

CF: Numbers I said. Great numbers.

NP: Yes that is perfectly right, you did.

DN: It was number he said.

NP: And so I must leave it with Clement who has 14 seconds on space shots starting now.

CF: I had an aunt who was a great authority on space shots...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of great.

NP: Yes you have 11 seconds on space shots Derek starting now.

DN: When I go out with my little rocket, I stand in the middle of a...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Hesitation. He went stand heh-heh-heh.

NP: Yes I know he did. And we all know why he did as well. Aimi you have a correct challenge and you have six and a half seconds on space shots starting now.

AM: About two weeks ago I was in Washington and I was...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, she's just plugging the fact that she goes on holidays! We don't want to hear that, it's nothing to do with space! What's it to do with space? (imitates AMa's voice) I was in Washington! (Normal voice) What a load of rubbish!

AM: I was going to tell you something very interesting...

KW: We shouldn't have women on this show anyway! No way!

NP: Of course Washington is the head of the United States Government and also...

AM: Yes!

NP: They're the ones who have underwritten the space programme, and it's quite liable she heard a great deal about it while she was in Washington.

AM: Thank you, I even saw the thing that went to the Moon!

DN: I should save that!

NP: Yes!

AM: That's what I was going to tell you about.

NP: Well I would, you've got three seconds to tell us starting now.

AM: There was a great big one that was...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I'm afraid there is no more time to play Just A Minute today so I will give you the final score in this particular game. And Aimi Macdonald returning after a little while did very well. She got a lot of points, she got eight, she finished one point behind Kenneth Williams who was of course in third place. He was only three points behind Derek Nimmo and he was two behind this week's winner, Clement Freud! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Bob Oliver Rogers.