starring CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS, LINDA SMITH and ROSS NOBLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 January 2001)

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world and particularly in the United Kingdom. And also to welcome to the show four exciting and talented players of the game who have all played it with such style in the past. And they are Ross Noble, Linda Smith, Tony Hawks and Clement Freud, and would you please welcome all four of them. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst who's going to help me keep the score and blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. As usual I am going to ask our players of the game if they will speak for Just A Minute if they can on the subject I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from one of the most beautiful theatres in the country. It's the Opera House in that beautiful spa town of Buxton in Derbyshire. And we have... And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud and the subject is loyalty cards. Clement tell us something about those in... why should you laugh because Clement has loyalty cards? Anyway 60 seconds available starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: If you go to a Japanese tobacconist, be it in Tokyo, Osaka, Nagasaki, Hiroshima, and buy cigarettes, you will find therein a loyalty card. And it has a picture of William, Stephen or John, George the First, Second, Third or Fourth, Queen Elizabeth, Anne, Mary. And people collect them with tremendous applaw because it is wonderful for them to have the entire Loyal Family of Britain on bits of paper. You can go to a park in any city in the far east and exchange one...


NP: Ross, Ross challenged you.


NP: Yes!

RN: Oh sorry, no I...

NP: You pressed your buzzer.

RN: I must have pressed it accidentally then.

NP: Oh no you pressed, a sort of Freudian slip because you were so impressed with what he said. So you didn't actually challenge him...

RN: No.

NP: Well unfortunately because Clement was interrupted it means that he gets a point for that. And so even if it was a slip of the tongue... a slip of the finger or the thumb...

RN: I did press it with me tongue!

NP: You did! Right anyway Clement you have a point, you keep the subject and you have 19 seconds, loyalty cards, starting now.

CF: I understand that there are grocers and other kinds of shops in this land of ours where loyalty cards are given in order that customers return, come back, purchase more, increase the profits of those firms to an even higher extent than they were prior to the introduction...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud who has got the only points at the end of that round. In fact he had the subject all the way through. Normally he would have got two points anyway but he was interrupted, so he's got the two points, he has got the lead. And Ross Noble, your turn to begin, the subject, the Peak District. Very apt for where we are. Talk about it, 60 seconds, starting now.

RN: If a group of nudists move into an area with no walls or very low hedges this is referred to as a Peek District. People can’t help but wander around and just have a sneaky look over their particular garden... dividers.... oh!


NP: Linda you challenged.

LINDA SMITH: It's a hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation, yes, he was really playing it as much as he could. Ah unfortunately his visual expressions are not very good on radio, um because he was performing then as well as speaking. It was a hesitation so Linda you have a point, you have the subject, there are 45 seconds available, and the subject is the Peak District starting now.

LS: The Peak District National Park is a great beauty spot and very popular with hikers. I think it's very enterprising of the good people in...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TONY HAWKS: I may have imagined it but was there a very popular and...

NP: Yes there was...

TH: There were two verys in there.

NP: There were indeed. So Tony you have a correct challenge, you have 35 seconds, you have the Peak District starting now.

TH: Only a fool would come to a theatre like this, and given the subject the Peak District, then say that Yulegrave was their favourite town in that area. It is of course this wonderful place of Buxton which I cherish to my heart so dearly. I am not just saying that because I am here in front of...


NP: Ross Noble challenged.

RN: Yes he is!

NP: I know! Yes! Ross I would agree, that is a correct challenge because of deviation, because... you were definitely only saying that because you were here...

TH: I'm in a no-win situation here!

RN: That's not...

NP: Listen!

RN: Can I just point out...

NP: Ross within the subtle interpretation of the rules means that I consider you have a correct challenge, you have 14 seconds on the Peak District starting now.

RN: I have to say that I do agree with Tony Hawks that this is one of the best places on the face of the earth. And who would I...


NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Well I'm afraid, hoist by his own petard.

NP: That's right. So if you're going to get him on that challenge then Linda's going to get you on the same challenge.

RN: No no, I said he was only saying it because he was here. I didn't say I disagreed with him.

NP: I think you won the argument Ross. Keep the subject, eight seconds, another point to you, the Peak District, starting now.

RN: I came to the Peak District with the Scouts. They didn't like it because I wasn't a member of that particular group and also it was only last week. They tried...


NP: So Ross Noble got the point for speaking as the whistle went and he's now one ahead of Clement Freud and the other two have got one apiece. And Tony your turn to begin, the subject, contemplating my navel. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

TH: I have for some time now been contemplating my navel. And I have come to the conclusion that it is an excellent navel. So good in fact that I am going to enter it for the navel of the year show, which I understand comes from the Buxton Opera House just after the Gilbert and Sullivan Festival has drawn to a happy conclusion. The French and Spanish are well known also for contemplating their navels, which is why Nelson had such a magnificent victory at the Battle of Trafalgar, because he spent he more time contemplating his navy which was a much better method of using his time in that particular period of history. My navel will be on show after this performance...


NP: Oh Ross you challenged.

RN: Repetition of show.

NP: Yes yes...

RN: Indeed...

NP: I was enjoying it so much. Well listened Ross, yes you caught me unawares there, I was enjoying it. Right... when you enjoy the show so much that you miss the challenge... Anyway Ross yes correct challenge, 12 seconds available, contemplating my navel starting now.

RN: Some people enjoy contemplating art in art galleries. I've done it...


RN: I've done it...

NP: Tony challenged.

RN: I spotted it myself! You don't even need to buzz! You can have it! Take it off me! I'm a fool to myself!

NP: Tony got in first, art art, nine seconds, contemplating my navel Tony starting now.

TH: Some people enjoy contemplating art in galleries or other places like...


NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Deviation.

NP: Why?

LS: Well because he's talking about contemplating art, not contemplating his navel.

NP: Yes...

LS: I haven't heard enough about him contemplating his navel.

NP: Well let's hear from you about the navel then Linda. Four seconds available, contemplating my navel starting now.

LS: Contemplating my navel is something that the Buddha was renowned for doing...


NP: Well they're all pretty equal at the end of that round. Linda got the point for speaking as the whistle went, she's equal with Tony Hawks only one point behind Ross Noble and he's one point behind Clement Freud, and it's his turn to begin again and it is Bakewell tarts. Oh they're so delicious! I love a good Bakewell tart I can tell you! And some of the best ones are in Derbyshire. Now Clement that is the subject, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: Bakewell is mostly known for the Old Saints Church and the beautiful alms houses. But Bakewell tarts are pretty renowned throughout the world. Loose women they are! Lacking the odd skirt there, a blouse there. Hardly any of them wear bras. And if you look carefully, um, I heard...


NP: Linda challenged, yes.

LS: Well hesitation, and also you should have pointed out despite all that they have hearts of gold.

NP: Well you tell us about it in the game because I give you a point for a correct challenge and 34 seconds, Bakewell tarts Linda, starting now.

LS: Bakewell tarts wouldn't get much of a look in at Bakewell itself, where the preferred confectionery is Bakewell pudding which is quite different. And made to a different...


LS: Wah eurgh!

NP: Tony challenged, yes.

TH: Repetition of different.

NP: Yes indeed, right, so showing off your local knowledge there Linda. And...

LS: It's limited.

NP: Bakewell tarts is to you Tony, 20 seconds starting now.

TH: I apologise if I don't make the full 20 seconds here, but given what Clement said I'm going to get a taxi to Bakewell now and join the tarts because it would be a lot of fun to be there to see if what he said was absolutely accurate. So I'm off! Cheers!


NP: I should explain to our listeners that that extra loud round of applause was because Tony Hawks did get up and actually leave, pretending that he was off to Bakewell right now. And they thought the idea was so delicious. But he has fortunately come back again. Very very quick visit it must have been! Deeply disappointed very rapidly! But while he was gone, Clement you challenged.

CF: Well he stopped, he...

NP: He stopped, well hesitation. I give it to you, hesitation, you got in first. Seven seconds back with you Clement on Bakewell tarts starting now.

CF: I...


NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Sorry it wasn't a challenge, I just wanted to join Tony, that's all.

NP: Well Tony's come back!

RN: Ah!

NP: So either he was disappointed or it was not all that it was cracked up to be. So anyway um we'll ignore that and Clement you have six seconds on Bakewell tarts starting now.

CF: The Bakewell tart said to me "it has been a business doing pleasure with you".


NP: Clement Freud speaking again as the whistle went gained the extra point. He's increased his lead at the end of the round, the other three are equal in second place. Ross Noble your turn to begin, the subject is the ideal traveling companion. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

RN: My ideal traveling companion would have to be somebody who was able to read a map. Because I have a shocking ability to navigate around city centres. I recently gave a friend of mine the map to read and I've said map twice and nobody even buzzed me...


RN: I thought I was free!

NP: If you go on with penache, sometimes they ignore it. But you drew attention to it. Linda came in first, and Linda you've got 49 seconds, the ideal traveling companion starting now.

LS: The ideal travelling companion I think, on a train, would be a police officer or prison guard to whom you are handcuffed. Because in that instance you could be pretty sure that nobody else is going to sit on the seat opposite you, which really annoys me. As a tall person, I need the leg room to have that extra space for the good of my health and general well-being of my limbs. Other...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Three mys.

NP: Mys, yes yes. You were going so well with thinking of different words for those, those parts of your anatomy. But the mys came in, 15 seconds is still available and it's your turn, sorry, you have a point Clement and the subject, the ideal traveling companion starting now.

CF: My ideal traveling companion would be a Bakewell tart. What is so glorious about these confections is the almonds and the jam and their huge willingness to be sociable with people who may hire...


NP: Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and has increased his lead. And Linda it is your turn to begin, the subject is the Shopping Channel. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

LS: The Shopping Channel is a source of many delights, not least of which is the chance of catching a glimpse of Joan Rivers, who has had so much plastic surgery that this woman resembles a Siamese cat walking into a gale. That would be one of the reasons that I tune in to the Shopping Channel. But other joys would be the ridiculous descrip...


NP: Ross Noble you challenged.

RN: Um joys.

NP: Joys yes, joys you said right at the beginning. I was still laughing about the... your description of walking into the wind. That was... right so joys, she did repeat joys and you spotted that Ross, you tell us something about the Shopping Channel starting now.

RN: The Shopping Channel ran into difficulties when they first started, because they weren't sure whether or not to put adverts on. People would be confused, one minute they're deciding whether or not to buy something. And then the next they're going "oh is this one of the things we should look at or is it not?" That's the problem they ran into. Another thing about the Shopping Channel...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of ran into.

NP: That's right yes, they ran into it more than once I'm afraid there. Tony another point to you and the subject, 12 seconds available, the Shopping Channel starting now.

TH: My ideal travelling companion is a fridge...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Deviation yes. Clement you have nine seconds, tell us more about the Shopping Channel starting now.

CF: In Bangkok they have a water market. But between Dover and Calais we have a shopping channel where you can buy duty free...


NP: So Clement had another point as the whistle went, gained a point, moving forward but he's still in the lead of course and the other three are still equal in second place. Tony your turn to begin, the subject is vitamin pills or vytamin according to which Latin you learned at school. And you have 60 seconds starting now.

TH: I am so thrilled to have been given the subject of vitamin pills. Because of all topics I have been handed on this programme this is possibly the one about which I know the most. I promise I am going to be extraordinarily entertaining...


NP: Ross challenged.

RN: That's, that's deviation if he promises he will be. And he's already deviated, hasn't he!

NP: Very subtle, that's very subtle. It's a sort of sly backhander and Ross I think, give, give him a point because it's, it's an inventive challenge, but I can't allow it...

RN: Okay.

NP: Tony you get a point for an incorrect challenge, vitamin or vytamin pills starting now.

TH: Vytamin peels are...


NP: Vytamin peels?

TH: Sorry, I'd lost the will to live frankly.

NP: What is your challenge?

LS: My challenge is that he said vytamin peels...

NP: Which is deviation from the subject on the card so I'll give it you you Linda, 40 seconds, vitamin pills starting now.

LS: Vitamin Pills is a trendy lager. It's a pills, beer which is packed with vitamins. You drink 23 pints, you're very very drunk but also fighting fit...


NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Very very drunk.

NP: Very very drunk.

LS: Oh.

NP: Yes. Clement...

LS: Don't pity me! Don't pity me!

NP: Twenty-six seconds Clement, vitamin pills starting now.

CF: They're called A, B, C, D, E and I dare say many other letters of the alphabet which I haven't yet come across...


NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Well really only K after that. That's about the only one.

CF: I didn't say not.

NP: Well what's that got to do with your challenge love?

LS: Well no, I thought he was saying probably many others. I suppose it was only speculation, I wish I had never interrupted now!

NP: You were just giving him the benefit of your great education and knowledge but I'm afraid he was interrupted, so Clement you have another point and you have 17 seconds on vitamin pills starting now.

CF: Before vitamin pills were interrupted people just said lemons or figs, maybe potatoes, cabbage, cauliflower, sauerkraut, colravi, brussel sprouts...


NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: I think we know that people ate food before. So I think he's kind of deviating a little bit, just listing lots of foods that are available.

CF: Containing vitamins. High vitamin content.

NP: Well we knew they had a high vitamin content but you didn't actually say so Clement. So you've give me a very difficult decision to make here because um he was conveying that...

CF: You'll make it Nick!

NP: I know! Well...

CF: Grab the nettle!

NP: I'll give the benefit of the doubt to Tony and say that you've got five seconds on vitamin pills Tony starting now.

TH: Vitamin pills are round, small...


NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Not necessarily. They might be elongated.

NP: You obviously want to hear from everybody on this subject so I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to Ross on this occasion, and say Ross, three seconds, vitamin pills starting now.

RN: I once tried to overdose on vitamin pills and I felt fine...


NP: Ross Noble was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's just in second place still, but he's one ahead of Tony Hawks and Linda Smith in that order. Clement Freud is way out in the lead and his subject is way with you Clement, it's crocodile tears. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Crocodiles do not eat vitamin pills. I want to make that absolutely clear. They are non-vegetarian, slothful, huge like 33 feet long, animals. And when they consume humans or other kind of flesh, their eyes water hugely and tears appear which are actually not what you or I might get when we cry, but simply the effect of masticating organisms of fellow animals. I think that's enough!


NP: You held them spellbound Clement! Right! Linda you challenged first, 25 seconds, crocodile tears starting now.

LS: Crocodile tears are the kind of tears that I would shed if somebody said to me "oh guess what! I was unable to get you tickets for the Gilbert and Sullivan Festival!" My tears would not be sincere. I would secretly be thinking brilliant! I can do something entertaining instead! I can't stand that pair! They really get on my nerves with their...


NP: Ross challenged.

RN: I just thought I'd interject before the audience beat Linda up!

NP: For those who didn't hear the recording when we first came to Buxton, I should explain to our listeners that in this lovely theatre here they do have a Gilbert and Festival Sull... oh!

LS: Now that I would pay money for!

NP: Gilbert and Festival Sullivan, yes! They have a Gilbert and Sullivan Festival. But as we enjoyed your challenge you get a bonus point for that Ross, but Linda was not actually deviating from the subject of crocodile tears so three seconds available still Linda on crocodile tears starting now.

LS: Crocodile tears are a useful emotional shield...


NP: Right so Linda was speaking as the whistle went, she's moved forward, she's now equal with Tony Hawks in third place. They're only two points behind Ross Noble. He's trailing Clement Freud who's still in the lead. And Ross your turn to begin, the subject, tongue twisters. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

RN: Round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran. That's just one tongue twister. Another is attempting to kiss somebody with a wired up jaw. You realise you have to get your tongue into the most unbelievably twisted contorted...


RN: Ahhh eurgh!

NP: Oh Ross they love your, the images you create in their minds. Clement you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: All right, and 44 seconds Clement, tongue twisters starting now.

CF: Lord Lundy one night, tried to mend the electric light, himself he got a shock, it struck him dead, serve him right! It is the duty of a noble man to give employment...


CF: ...to an artisan. This...

NP: Ross has challenged you in the middle of that.

RN: He's just on about some Lord, wasn't he!

NP: Yeah but it did sound a bit like a tongue twister to me. I mean very difficult to get out and he did it right to the end...

RN: All right!

NP: No so benefit of the doubt to Clement, 34 seconds still with you, tongue twisters Clement starting now.

CF: Whereas you do not believe this is a tongue twister, if you came from Afghanistan or Bangladesh it would be a terrific tongue twister. Awfully difficult to say almost anything...


NP: Tony's challenged.

TH: We don't!

NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

TH: Deviation because we don't come from Bangladesh or Afghanistan, um, most of us anyway at the moment, so it isn't a tongue twister to us.

NP: It isn't a tongue twister but he's perfectly at liberty to express this as a thought within the rules of Just A Minute. Because he wasn't actually deviating from the subject of tongue twisters...

TH: Well I can see which way you're heading with this and I bow down!

NP: All right, benefit of the doubt to Clement because it doesn't matter, the Afghanistans and the Bangladeshi people think it is or not, he wasn't deviating from the subject. So Clement, 25... 22 seconds, tongue twisters starting now.

CF: The Serbo Croat, asked what the time is at say 25 minutes past 11, would say consider this to be a huge tongue twister, because anything...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Well I think he's labouring the point a little!

NP: Yes I agree with you Tony, I give you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion because we do believe tongue twisters are not just difficult phrases for foreigners to use but they are alliterations. So you have the subject, you have 22, no you don't, you have 10 seconds starting now.

TH: Red leather, yellow ditto, was one that I was forced to say a lot in the theatre before we went on stage because it was so important to get the mouth...


NP: Right. So Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so. I've just realised we're going to move into the final round.


NP: What a lovely audience you are. Before we move into the final round I'm sure you'd like to know that Ross Noble, Linda Smith and Tony Hawks are almost, one point separates them, equal in second place. Clement Freud is in the lead and um, I don't know whether any of them can take them in one round. It has happened before and could happen again. We'll find out. Linda your turn to begin, the subject, how I hope my epitaph will read. Think about it for a second, and then talk on the subject starting now.

LS: How I hope my epitaph will read is a redundant question frankly because if my plans go well then when I go, we're all going! So...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I didn't... I didn't know that about you Linda! Before you got that out I thought you said two goes.

NP: There were two goes, yes Tony, you have a correct challenge, you have a point, you have 51 seconds, how I hope my epitaph will read starting now.

TH: I hope my epitaph will read from left to right. Because I don't speak Hebrew and I would prefer it that way. "Here lies Tony Hawks, he had one too many Bakewell tarts" is a possibility of course, but I would imagine maybe going in at it another way, saving the world. Perhaps there could be a fire this evening and I could be the heroic figure which leads each one of you out of the theatre, over my shoulder, and then the epitaph may be something to...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of theatre.

NP: Yes unfortunately you can't mention this theatre too often, ah. I'm not patronising, I just love it! Right Clement a correct challenge, 21 seconds, how I hope my epitaph will read starting now.

CF: I think just my name, the date of my death, and best before.


NP: Well he deserved the applause and there, and I think you rested on your laurels with that one. One of the best in Just A Minute! But Ross did challenge you during that prolonged laughter which was for hesitation within the rules of Just A Minute. It does mean also we're going to hear from all four of them on this final round which is a very personal one, so it's very nice. Ross Noble, the subject is how I hope my epitaph will read starting now.

RN: I hope my epitaph will read "Ross Noble tragically died when a nudist ladies gymnastics team stormed the stage at his gala performance." That really would be a marvelous way to go...


NP: So Ross Noble brought that round to an end and the show to an end, he gets a point for speaking as the whistle went and just to remind you of the final score if you want to. Linda Smith and Tony Hawks were equal in third place, just behind Ross Noble but a few points ahead of them was Clement Freud, so this week Clement we say you are our winner. Right, thank you, so it only remains for me to say thank you to our four delightful and humorous players of the game, Ross Noble, Clement Freud, Linda Smith and Tony Hawks. I also thank Janet Staplehurst for helping with the score and blowing her whistle so delicately when the 60 seconds are up. We're indebted to our producer and director Claire Jones for her contribution to the show. And we're deeply indebted to the creator of this show who was Ian Messiter. And we're very happy to say thank you to this lovely audience here at the Opera House here in Buxton for their warmth and for the way they received the show. From them, from me Nicholas Parsons and the panel here, goodbye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute, bye!