starring CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS, LINDA SMITH and ROSS NOBLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 January 2001)

Note: This was transcribed by Vicki Walker. Thank you Vicki! :-)

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just a Minute!


NP: Thank you! Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world, and of course particularly our listeners in the United Kingdom. And also to welcome to the show four exciting and dynamic players of the game. We welcome back somebody who's been playing the game for many years now, the ever-inventive Clement Freud. We have two lovely, humourous players of the game, the ubiquitous Tony Hawks and the delightful Linda Smith, and somebody who's only played the game once before, but he was so successful we couldn't wait to ask him back, and that is Ross Noble. And would you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, who's going to help me keep the score and blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And as usual, I'm going to ask our four players of the game to speak on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And this particular edition of Just a Minute is coming from the wonderful, delightful spa city of Buxton. And we are in a great Frank Matrom Theater, the opera house in Buxton. And we have before us a delightful, Derbyshire audience ready to cheer us on our way as we begin the show with Tony Hawks. Tony, the subject is taking the waters. Wonder why they've chosen that for starters? Talk on the subject if you can, Tony, 60 seconds, starting now.

TONY HAWKS: I've always been extremely keen on taking the waters, be it Perrier, Bedoir, Evian, Highland Spring or, of course, the best of the lot, Buxton. Yes! You may have thought for a moment I wasn't going to mention it, but of course, I'm a sycophant and I was going to ...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of of course.

NP: You did say of course before.

TH: Yes.

NP: So that repetition means that Clement Freud has a... don't groan now! We're not going to have partisanship from the start, are we? Maybe we are. Um, yes, a correct challenge means that Clement gets a point for that. He takes over the subject. He has 43 seconds available, taking the waters, starting now.

CF: If you live in Buxton, you do take the waters, unlike the rest of us in London, Birmingham, Manchester, Plymouth, Exeter, Torquay or wherever, who have to pay for the water. Two pounds 50 a bottle, 85 pence for a small glass, and it's give money, waiters...


NP: Linda, you challenged.

LINDA SMITH: Ah, possibly a slight hesitation.

NP: I think there was a hesitation, enough to be interpreted within the rules of the game and so, Linda, you have a correct challenge. And you have a point for that and you take over taking the waters and there are 23 seconds available, starting now.

LS: Taking the waters is meant to be very beneficial to your health, but I don't know how you can ascertain this unless the Romans had a placebo bath where people just splashed around in a bit of old Radox or Fenjar or Bar-de-Dar.


NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of or.

NP: Oh!


LS: Clement, did you, did you stab the mayor earlier or something?

NP: You didn't win many friends with that challenge, Clement! But it is correct! So you have another point and you have the subject taking the waters. And there are seven seconds available starting now.

CF: The French are very worried about their livers, what they call le foi. And Carter's little pills...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud, and at the end of that round you won't be surprised to hear he's the only one who's gotten any points. Oh no, sorry. Linda has got one as well, Clement's got three. And Linda, your turn to begin. The subject: penguins. Tell us something about penguins in Just A Minute starting now.

LS: Penguins. What delightful little birds they are! "Pick up a penguin!" is the cry heard by many a lonely Arctic explorer. And who can blame them when the nights are so long? Because penguins are always dressed for a night out in their little dinner jackets. It's almost as if they're the bouncers of the Arctic world... standing there on that snowy nightclub saying, "Sorry, walrus trainers, you're not coming in." And, "You're not on the guest list... ain't getting in."


NP: Er... Oh, what's the matter? You should applaud! She went for, for, she went for 25 seconds.

LS: That's ages!

NP: Ages! People don't realise how tough the game is. Actually, you went for 35 seconds because there are only 25 left. But Ross Noble, you were the one to challenge first.

ROSS NOBLE: Eh, repetition of in?

NP: That's right. In? Yeah, well, er...

RN: Yes. I do feel very, very sorry I challenged. I'd like to give it back to you. Do you know what I mean?

LS: Ross, it's forgotten already.

RN: Okay.

NP: Right, and you have the subject, Ross, having gained your first point in this show. And the subject is penguins. Twenty-five seconds, starting now.

RN: The best Penguin of all would have to be Batman's arch-nemesis, who of course was guilty of shocking crimes such as sitting on a bit of ice, ah, rolling around a, er, bit of a...


RN: Bleargh.

NP: Linda, you challenged first.

LS: Ah, erp, hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes.

LS: Like, just as I demonstrated there.

RN: That's a good point. Well made.

NP: Yes.

RN: And I'm glad to hand it back!

NP: Linda, another point to you and...

LS: It' nice. It's a change, Ross, to play the game with a sportsman, I must say.

NP: Right. Fourteen seconds are now available for you, Linda, to take over penguins, starting now.

LS: Penguins, as I said, are lovely. I adore them.


LS: But their wings...

NP: Uh, Tony challenged.

TH: Well, as you said lovely before, I thought I'd ah, get in for repetition.

LS: I actually said delightful before.

TH: Well, in that case, it wasn't as you said before then, then it's deviation.

NP: So what is your challenge now?

TH: Deviation now.

NP: Deviation, because it wasn't what she said before. Right. Clement challenged when you...

LS: But then you deviated from your original challenge.

TH: Ah, do I get an extra point for that?

NP: No, no. Ah, Tony, you're going to tell us something about penguins, and you have 10 seconds starting now.

TH: There is actually a little beach in Cape Town where penguins do come up from the Antarctic. And I have had the privilege of swimming with these lovely little penguins. They have...


NP: Right. So at the end of that round, er, Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. He's equal with Linda Smith in second place. Ross Noble is in, er, just behind them and just ahead is Clement Freud. And Ross, it's your turn to begin and the subject here: bubble and squeak. A lovely subject. Talk on it, 60 seconds, starting now.

RN: Bubble and squeak is the noise that Rice Krispies make when they turn evil. Bubble and squeak was the name of two guinea pigs I had as a child. Bubble was...


NP: Tony got in first.

TH: I think there was a hesitation there.

NP: There was. Forty-four seconds are available. Bubble and squeak is with you, Tony, starting now.

TH: I had two guinea pigs when I was a child. One was called Bubble and the other one...


TH: ...Kevin.

NP: Linda, yes.

LS: A pause for effect.

NP: A pause for effect, which didn't come. But it means he's got, ah, lost the subject. You've got a point; you've got 38 seconds, bubble and squeak, starting now.

LS: Bubble and squeak is the typical British dish in that it represents our delight in cooking one meal in our life and...


LS: ...then living off it for the rest of it.

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of in.

NP: Oh, you started something, Ross, here, I don't know. But it was correct, Clement, so you have the subject and you have 30 seconds, bubble and squeak, starting now.

CF: Bubble and squeak is a quite delicious vegetable, usually a sort of use...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Isn't that, isn't it two vegetables?

CF: Vegetables.

TH: I thought you said is.

NP: Well, according to my hearing, you did say vegetable, one, singular, and, uh, it is two veggies, isn't it?

CF: Vegetables, which is why I said vegetables.

TH: Well in that case, you shouldn't say is with it. Is vegetables.

NP: No, you said vegetable.

LS: Well, Clement, in my opinion, you said vegetable.

NP: On the left, they gang up as a team here. I thought you said vegetable in the singular and of course it's usually cabbage and potatoes, isn't it? Which is two.

CF: No.

NP: No? What is it, then? Oh, well you tell us when you get the subject back again. But, ah, Tony, you, you have, er, the subject. Bubble and squeak, 25 seconds, starting now.

TH: As a teenager, I had three hamsters: Bubble, Squeak and Norman.


NP: Ah, Clement challenged.

CF: Norma?

TH: Norman, it was a male.

NP: Norman.

CF: How can you sex a hamster?

TH: By, uh, staying in a lot and not having many friends!

NP: Bubble and squeak is still with you, Tony. Eighteen seconds, starting now.

TH: I enjoy collecting two vegetables together and making bubble and squeak. Of an evening sometimes I'll invite people around to enjoy the pleasures that I...


NP: Uh, Ross challenged.

RN: He said before he sat in alone!

NP: He did say that, but -- I'm sure some nights he might be alone, but he doesn't always alone. I mean, we know he's quite a gregarious chap. So seven seconds still with you on bubble and squeak, Tony, starting now.

TH: A lot of people might be imagining that I've run out of things to say about bubble and squeak, but...


NP: Uh, Ross has challenged.

RN: I was imagining that!

NP: Yes.

TH: Exactly my point.

NP: Your point, yes. But I, I think actually as Ross has challenged five times on this subject, and he hasn't got in yet, out of, out of kindness...

TH: I agree.

NP: ...we should give it to him. So you've got bubble and squeak now, Ross, and you've got three seconds starting now.

RN: Bubble and squeak is a good way of getting rid of old vegetables.


NP: Well, Tony Hawks and all those wrong challenges in that round got quite a few points. He's now moved forward. He's equal in the lead with Clement Freud so it's all very close as we come round to Clement Freud to begin and the subject is New Year's resolutions. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

CF: New Year's resolutions are nearly always in respect of giving things up, like saying "I will not have any bubble and squeak from January to September." The delicacies of the vegetables I have just mentioned consist ideally of Brussel sprouts and potatoes, with perhaps a little streaky bacon which gives a wonderfully smoky flavor to that dish.


NP: Yes? Tony, you challenged.

TH: He isn't by any chance deviating a little bit?

NP: Yes. Yes. You, you see what a passionate man he is. He was so distressed about his, the challenge on bubble and squeak and he was talking about vegetables, he had to do it in that round. So Clement, I'm afraid you've lost it. Not completely, just... you've lost the subject and Tony has another point and 33 seconds, New Year, New Year's resolutions, starting now.

TH: This year I made a New Year's resolution to take up smoking and to drink a hell of a lot more. And I can tell you so far it's going swimmingly well. As I can tell, the people of Buxton agree with this resolution that I made, as probably they have all done it them...


NP: Ah, Linda challenged.

LS: Repetition of made.

NP: Yes, you did, and er, so Linda, a correct challenge. You've got in there. Fifteen seconds, New Year's resolutions, starting now.

LS: New Year's Day is the worst possible time to make New Year's resolutions. You're horribly hung over, all your presents are broken, you're sick to the teeth of turkey sandwiches. Is this the...


NP: Linda, what a sad festive season you seem to have! But it did keep you going till the whistle, gained that extra point for doing so. You've moved forward now into second place, equal with Clement Freud, one behind Tony Hawks and just one ahead of Ross Noble. And Tony, your turn to begin. What I would do with a million pounds. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

TH: If I had a million pounds, I'd hire Chris Tarrant to host a program called He Doesn't Care, He's Already Got a Million Pounds. I would also like to do some good. Obviously, it would be an opportunity to start a campaign to stop people using mobile phones...


NP: Uh, Ross?

RN: Was that a repetition of stop?

NP: No, I don't think you did. No, I don't think so.

RN: No, no, no. Sorry.

NP: Tony, incorrect challenge. Thirty-nine seconds, what I would do with a million pounds, starting now.

TH: I could h-also employ Roy...


NP: Uh, Linda challenged.

LS: Deviation. I could halso?

NP: Well, deviation from English?

LS: From the English language!

TH: I'm just being a little bit haughty.

NP: Right. Yes, all right, Linda, a point to you. Thirty-six seconds, what I would do with a million pounds, starting now.

LS: What I would do with a million pounds is give it to the appeal fund for the Buxton Opera House. Yes! What better way of spending your dosh than on such a worthy cause? I can think of very few more things to say on this.


NP: Ross, you challenged.

RN: That was just nonsense, wasn't it?

NP: Yes.

RN: That was just...

NP: And she did repeat the word things, didn't she?

RN: Yes, as well.

NP: That's right. So Ross, you have 16 seconds on what I would do with a million pounds starting now.

RN: If I had a million pounds, I'd buy myself a massive island in the South Pacific and set myself up as a James Bond...


NP: Uh, Clement, what?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Massive islands cost much more than a million pounds. No way could you get a massive island!

NP: Yes. I'm afraid that is, I think that's, that must be a correct challenge, yes.

LS: If he had said a small flat in Islington...

NP: Clement, 10 seconds, what I would do with a million pounds, starting now.

CF: I would put it into the bank and visit it every Tuesday and Friday. I think it's ludicrous that money which is safely kept by some manager in a suit...


NP: So Clement Freud, speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and that has taken him one ahead of Linda Smith and Tony Hawks and Ross Noble. And Linda, your turn to begin. The subject: In the pink. Tell us something about in the pink in this game starting now.

LS: In the pink is an expression that means to be rosy and radiating glowingness. Which is marvelous in a human being but not so clever in a nuclear power station. If people say, "Oooh, doesn't Selafield look in the pink today?" you'd tend to run for the hills as quickly as you can before your hands just turn into great big lobster claws and you develop three legs and any number of eyes and, and arms that just stick out everywhere, not where they're supposed to be at all, but just willy-nilly! And that's not a good thing. But being in the pink if you are a person... for example, Tony here, who has obviously holidayed rather well, and he's giving off a warm, kind of cerise tone to his...


NP: Tony, you challenged.

TH: How dare you! I'm not giving off any cerise tone!

NP: Well, they were calling you Cerise Tony as you walked in.

TH: Yeah. Okay. What about, er...

NP: What's your challenge then?

TH: Repetition of just.

NP: Yes, that's true.

TH: Quite a lot earlier and I let it go.

NP: Quite a lot earlier, and you let it go, right. Well, that's generous because we were enjoying a struggle, actually, with the subject. She did repeat the word just. You're quite right, and you got in with 11 seconds to go. In the pink, starting now.

TH: Linda is right. I am in the pink, and I am always in that...


NP: Uh, Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of I am.

TH: That's true.

NP: Yeah, true, yes.

TH: So close together.

NP: So Clement, you got in with eight seconds on in the pink, starting now.

CF: A very good German street shirt maker is called Thomas Pink. And being in the pink simply signifies...


NP: So Clement Freud again was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point and with others in the round he's moved ahead, but he's only two ahead of Tony Hawks, who's one ahead of Linda Smith, who is one ahead of Ross Noble. Very close, and Ross, your turn to begin. The subject: Counting your chickens. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

RN: Counting your chickens is notoriously hard to do as they tend to move around quite a lot. Especially if you're one of Ozzy Osbourne's friends because he tends to bite the heads off them. For many years on tour he actually had to employ Bernard Matthews to travel with him in order that his chickens were at the side of the stage ready for him to do the particular mouth action which required the pop fans to go, "Hey, well done out there, Osbourne, that's the fellow, well done mate." Anyway, Colonel Sanders as well, he was another fellow who enjoyed counting chickens. The reason for this is because he wasn't actually a military gentleman, no! He would stand all the poultry in front of him and make them call out their numbers. (squawking) "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "Four!" "Five!" "Six!" "Seven!" "Eight!" "Nine!" "Ten!" "Eleven!" "Twelve!" "Thirteen!" "Fourteen!" "Fifteen!" "Sixteen!" "Seventeen!"


NP: So Ross Noble somehow kept going for 60 seconds in spite of seven "quack, quack, quack, quack." And everybody was enjoying it so much they didn't dare challenge you on your repetition there.

RN: They were watching...

NP: You kept going. And what happens, Ross, if you start with a subject and finish with a subject on this show, you not only get a point for speaking as the whistle goes, you get a bonus point for not being interrupted! And you have leapt forward, but you're still in last place. But I, that, that's very unkind because actually you're now equal with Linda Smith and only one point behind Tony Hawks, who is two points behind our leader, Clement Freud. And Clement, your turn to begin. The subject: the moon. Tell us something about that in just a minute starting now.

CF: The moon is just short of 250,000 miles away from earth. And when it is full, it must be an extremely comfortable place in which to live. On the other hand, a half moon, let alone a segment, a sickle moon -- makes it incredibly difficult to survive. Liebensraum is what you don't have on a moon which is in the wane. It's a bit like Tokyo underground trains where they have guards who push you in. And similarly, the moon, when it is almost nonexistent to the human eye, contains such extraordinarily limited space in which people can move around, let alone cook, play. Football and cricket are games which moon people simply eschew.


NP: Ross, you challenged. Clement, you, you, you just lost your momentum too late. You went for 57 seconds.

RN: Oh, I'm such a bad man!

NP: It was the same with Ross, he, but he went for 55 seconds, then he went "quack, quack, quack, quack, quack." Three seconds, Ross, on you, the moon, starting now.

RN: Some people say that the moon is made out of cheese.


NP: So Ross really has moved forward now. He's only one behind our leader, Clement Freud, and he's just one ahead of Tony Hawks and Linda Smith. Tony, your turn to begin. The subject now is Gilbert and Sullivan. Tell us something about those two great characters in 60 seconds if you can, starting now.

TH: Gilbert and Sullivan are not to be confused with Gilbert O'Sullivan, in that he was one person, used to sing about Clare a lot and doesn't have a festival that happens at the Buxton Opera House every year in his favour. "A wand'ring minstrel eye a thing of threads and patches, of ballads, songs and snatches." I've always wondered what the last word was referring to in that song, but I don't wish to go into it here.


NP: Ah, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of in.

TH: I'm sorry, you've mistaken me for Linda. I'm allowed to.

NP: But it was a correct challenge, so Clement, you take over Gilbert and Sullivan. Thirty seconds to talk on it, starting now.

CF: I'm hugely pro-Gilbert and have no time for Sullivan because music is not something I know about. Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti are just noises, whereas...


NP: Uh, Tony challenged.

TH: To is actually a word.

NP: Mmm?

TH: Mind you, it's not in there, is it? Do-re-mi-fa... that would have been a clever challenge if that had been in there.

NP: Yes, yes, it was. It, it's do, not to.

TH: Do is the word, then.

NP: Yes, yes, not to. So Clement, an incorrect challenge. Fourteen seconds still available. Tell us more about Gilbert and Sullivan starting now.

CF: You'll soon get used to her looks, said he, and a very nice girl you will find her, she would easily pass...


NP: Uh, Linda challenged.

LS: Repetition of her.

NP: Yes. Eight seconds, Linda, Gilbert and Sullivan, starting now.

LS: Gilbert and Sullivan aren't quite my cup of tea. In fact, I think I would rather gnaw off my own head...


NP: Ah, Linda, I'm glad you didn't go any further because actually you are in one of the theatres dedicated to the keeping alive Gilbert and Sullivan. They have a Gilbert and Sullivan festival here.

LS: But they're not in the audience. They're both dead!

NP: And most of this Gilbert and Sullivan audience would have been up, would have been up on the stage and had you!

LS: They'd have been better off in a hospital, I think!

NP: But you were speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. You're now equal to Ross Noble in second place behind Clement Freud, our leader, as we go into the final round. And it's still very close. It's Clement Freud's turn to begin. And the subject is my favourite smell, which is a very good subject for anyone to talk about. But Clement, tell us something about it in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My least favourite smell is garlic.


NP: Uh, Ross challenged.

RN: That was deviation, wasn't it?

NP: Yes, it was. My favourite smell ... Can you justify, Clement? You're shaking your head? No, you can't. I'm sorry. I think he is...

RN: He is, he is kicking me under the table.

NP: I know. I think if you start straight off with my least favorite smell when the subject is my favorite smell, we definitely say that's hesitation. So...

CF: Do we?

NP: If you were going to make a comparison, you should start off with the subject on the card. Ross, 58 seconds starting now.

RN: My favorite smell is garlic. Oh yes! There's nothing better than that French herb or spice, whichever it happens to be.


NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Not French!

NP: What nationality do you associate with it, Clement? We always associate it with the French. They do...

CF: No we don't.

NP: What's that? So what is your challenge, then?

CF: It's not a French herb or spice.


LS: Actually...

NP: You, you have another restaurateur in the audience.

LS: To be really pedantic, it's not actually a herb or spice, either, is it?

NP: No, but he didn't challenge on that, Linda, for God's sake! Listen, it's not necessarily a French one, but the French use it a lot. Ross, you carry on with my favourite smell, 53 seconds, starting now.

RN: My favorite smell has got to be the smell of Clement Freud getting closer and closer.


NP: Tony Hawks, you challenged.

TH: But it's not! It's garlic!

NP: I think within the rules of Just a Minute, that was deviation. So Tony, tell us something about my favourite smell, 49 seconds, starting now.

TH: Newly cut grass, freshly baked bread, a bunch of beautiful roses are not really my fave...


NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It's deviation. He's talking about ...

NP: Yes, if I took it away from you, Clement, before, I've the right to give it back to you now. It's not your favourite, 41 seconds, starting now.

CF: Witch hazel. I've now had lots of time to think about it and that is actually my favourite smell. What the Germans call essex au tune eardor and we call W-I-T-C-H and the second...


NP: Ah, Tony challenged. Yes?

TH: Hesitation caused by the audience having a go!

NP: I must say we have now got an audience that are so with it they're actually playing the game along with us! And so they gave Clement the thumbs down there and caused him to pause so Tony, hesitation. Twenty-three seconds, my favourite smell, starting now.

TH: I like the smell of trees. Every single kind of tree is pleasing...


NP: Uh, Linda challenged.

LS: Repetition of tree.

CF: No.

NP: No, he said trees first time. Ah, 19 seconds, Tony, an incorrect challenge. You have my favorite smell still, starting now.

TH: Conifers are good. I like to walk near them and sniff the lovely smell that comes from them. I must...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of like.

NP: Like. You did say like before. And Clement, you got back on the subject and you have 12 seconds, my favourite smell, starting now.

CF: Among other favorite smells are zest of lemon and mint pounded in mortar with a pestle which brings forth a smell of such delicate and urbane...


NP: Clement Freud, speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and he just jumped ahead there. It was very, very close. Linda Smith, coming from her previous triumphs, finished just in fourth place, but only one point behind Tony Hawks and his previous triumphs. He finished, um, three points behind Ross Noble, who's only played the game once before. He did very well! But inching ahead on all those smells was Clement Freud, two ahead of Ross Noble. So this week we say Clement Freud, you are our winner. Thank you very much indeed! It only remains for me to thank our four delightful players of the game, Ross Noble, Clement Freud, Linda Smith and Tony Hawks. I thank Janet Staplehurst for keeping the score so helpfully for me and blowing her whistle with such vigour. And also we're indebted to our producer director Claire Jones, who tries to keep us in order, ah, most of the time. And also we are deeply indebted to the creator of this game, who was Ian Messiter. And we have tremendous affection for this audience here in the opera house at Buxton spa who've cheered us on our way magnificently. Thank you! From them, from the panel and from me, Nicholas Parsons, goodbye. Tune in the next time we play Just a Minute! Until then, goodbye!