WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring TONY HAWKS, JENNY ECLAIR, RICHARD HERRING and PAUL SINHA, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 June 2012)
NOTE: This was transcribed by Mister Nylon, thank you very much!
Rounds, and starting times in the recording:
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
JENNY ECLAIR: This is a phrase that makes my blood boil and the hackles stand on the back of my neck. How dare you utter those words while here in God's own country, we are basking in the beauty of Bridlington, though I must say when I went to Manchester as a drama student back in 78 it was like living in a Lowry painting: filthy dirty, toilets out the back. I stayed with this bloke one night. He said, "If you want to use the lavatory, go out the back door." Got the front and the rear doors backs to front went out...
NP: Tony, you challenged.
TONY HAWKS: I think there might have been hesitation in there...
NP: There was definite hesitation.
TH: ... as she desperately...
JE: I was suddenly thinking, "My mother might be listening to this."
NP: So in this game, whoever gets the correct challenge gains a point for that, takes over the subject. In this case it was Tony Hawks. There are twenty-two seconds available. Grim Up North, Tony, starting now.
TH: I imagine people in the United States of America say it's grim up north when talking about Alaska and that would be a nicer way to approach this subject when you're in the north as we are now. It's very cold there. There's a lot of ice, and worst of all they have that woman Sarah Palin knocking about. Very rarely having a tea party...
NP: That whistle tells us that sixty seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. Of course on this occasion it was Tony Hawks who is the only one to have scored any rounds - no, the only one to have scored any points in that round. The only one to have scored any rounds in that point. And that's what I said. Alliteration. The audience didn't understand a word I'm talking about. I don't really understand, myself. I have difficulty understanding what I say on occasions. I have difficulty listening to myself on occasions. And that difficulty is now communicated to the audience and they're saying "What the hell's he talking about?"
NP: I wish I knew-
TH: Nurse! NURSE!
NP: We move on to the second round. Richard, we'd like you to begin it. And another Yorkshire phrase: (in Northern accent) By Gum. Will you- you don't have to pronounce it but you can just say "By Gum" if you want to, and uh- Sixty seconds available as usual, starting now.
RICHARD HERRING: "Eeeee Buy Gum" was a short-lived advertising slogan created by Wrigleys trying to sell their product in the north of England but the people here did not enjoy that. They found that was patronising. They said, "Eee by gum we do not say 'By gum' here. The only person who says 'By gum' is Compo when he's in 'Last of the Summer Wine'. He's in a bath again coming over the top of a hill, about to fall into another bloody pond and then as he gets drenched as he falls into that body of water...
NP: Jenny challenged.
JE: I only interrupted because you said "as he" twice. I wouldn't have done it on an "as" or "he", but the two combined, the "as he" combo-
NP: Why didn't you go for the bath? That was quite obvious, really.
NP: Anyway, it was a repetition.
RH: It was on the cards.
NP: It was a repetition. Jenny there are twenty-nine seconds. You got a point for a correct challenge. By Gum is the subject, starting now.
JE: (old crone voice) Eeeeeee byyyyyyyy Gooooooom. That's what old ladies in the north say when they see something that surprises them. As Richard has said so p-poi-
NP: Tony, you challenged.
TH: I think another hesitation there.
NP: Another hesitation.
JE: I said it really well, didn't I?
TH: You did.
NP: Tony, it was a correct challenge so a point to you. Sixteen seconds available. By Gum, starting now.
TH: I had a friend when I was at school who had the nickname Gum and whenever he used to depart I would say "Bye, Gum." He had...
NP: Richard challenged.
RH: I think there was a hesitation, and he was also lying.
NP: We don't know that, and it doesn't matter, uh-
RH: I am prepared to work through the census in the Brighton area...
TH: It was a nickname.
RH: ... and if there is anyone called Gum...
TH: It was a nickname.
NP: Richard, anyway I'm not going to give it to you because I don't think he paused long enough to interpret it as a hesitation. So, the benefit of the doubt to you, Tony. If I can redress the balance later to you , Richard, I will. Eight seconds available, Tony, By Gum, starting now.
TH: He was bisexual as well, so we called him bi...
NP: Paul. You challenged?
PAUL SINHA: He was a school friend. He hadn't really thought through his feelings by that stage of his life. Uh - deviation?
NP: We don't know. He might have been quite correct in what he said. So, the benefit of the doubt to you, Tony. And there are still five seconds available. By Gum, starting now.
TH: In real life I've never actually heard a person say "By Gum". I wonder whether it's a fiction created by writers in...
NP: Jenny challenged.
JE: It's not. He's deviating from reality. It's something people say on 'Last of the Summer Wine.'
NP: That's true-
TH: Yeah but I-
RH: Also, if I could just say...
TH: That was exactly my point.
RH: ... according to his true statement earlier, he himself said 'By Gum' every time his friend went away. So how has he never heard anyone say it when he said it himself? I put it to you, this is a tissue of lies!
JE: Hat Trick!
NP: So Jenny had a correct challenge and gets a point. Richard gets a bonus point for the fact the audience enjoyed what he said and there are two seconds still available, Jenny. By Gum, starting now.
JE: Byyyyy goooom there was a professor...
NP: So at the end of that round let me tell you that Richard's got a point. Paul hasn't yet got any points. Jenny's got three, but out in the lead is Tony Hawks and Tony we'd like you to begin the next round. The subject is My Legacy. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
TH: When I die and the forty-five billion pound fortune I leave behind from having performed on this show over a hundred times and saved it all, I will invest in a fund to replace with people the electronic self-checkout devices that they have...
NP: Jenny challenged.
TH: ...I'm not stopping - in supermarkets because we're all-
NP: You've been challenged, Tony.
JE: I thought he hesitated...
NP: He did hesitate.
JE: ...in a word. Within a word.
TH: Within a word. Yes, you get a bonus point for that.
JE: Yeah, not just-
NP: It doesn't matter about that, but he did hesitate. So you've got the subject and a point, of course, and you have forty-two seconds. My Legacy, starting now.
JE: I will be leaving the nation a tome of books that I have written, some plays. My daughter would rather a house and a car, but tough. I have also given her bad eyesight and self-flagellation, but there's the rub. And I was actually thinking of donating my home to the National Trust. What a kind thought. Come to Camberwell, see a three-up, two-down. There's a bus stop opposite. No room to park a coach. The old man will show you round. "This is the study where the toad wrote her rubbish. Would you like to look at a grey rim around the bath that-"
NP: Well done, Jenny. That's the longest we've gone on this show - nearly forty-five seconds. Well done.
JE: What was fantastic was Paul's face, just looking at me as if to say, "It's rubbish. She's talking rubbish."
PS: It wasn't that: it was the phrase "self-flagellation." I wasn't- I was trying to work out exactly what you meant.
JE: Us Eclairs are very hard on ourselves. It's a sort of thing.
NP: And - what have you done? - you're still in second place, catching up on our leader Tony Hawks. Richard and Paul Sinha are following in that order. And Jenny, we're actually back with you to begin. And I don't know what you're going to say about this one: Taming An Elephant. Tell us something about Taming An Elephant; I'm sure it's something you're very familiar with. And sixty seconds, starting now.
JE: Taming An Elephant is the title of a play Shakespeare was writing at the time of his death, about a very fat girl who was incredibly jealous of her slim sister about to be married. Fatty rolled on top of her sister and squa...
NP: Richard, you challenged.
RH: It's a repetition of "sister".
NP: Yeah, the sister, right. You went off on something you couldn't really...
NP: ... continue. Yes, absolutely. Forty-one seconds. Richard, it's with you. Taming An Elephant, starting now.
RH: Taming An Elephant is a quite simple procedure because the elephant is terrified of the mouse so all you need to do is get some mice, put them in the same room as the elephant, and the elephant will do whatever you tell it.
TH: How do you get the elephant in the room?
RH: You had to be the one to point that out, didn't you? No-one else wanted to talk about the elephant in the room. You had to point it out. We were all ignoring that.
NP: No, it was a very good challenge as well, but uh, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to Richard and say, you've still got Taming An Elephant. Twenty-eight seconds, Richard, starting now.
RH: If you are taming an elephant, it's very important to start young with them when they're small so you can get them into your house because there's no point in having them outside, so you take them...
NP: Paul challenged.
PS: They're essentially already tame at that point. There's no real point. It's only really the adult elephant you really need to be concerned about. The baby elephant is tame and dependent on its parents.
NP: I think that's a good challenge, Paul, yes.
RH: That- that a baby elephant- a baby elephant taken away from its parents...
JE: It would go mad!
RH: ... Would be crazy. Would be more dangerous than an adult elephant, I think. A baby elephant you've ripped from the bosom of its family...
TH: Look. Tell you what, Richard. We're going to dinner. Let's chat about it over dinner.
JE: Paul, he also said "them" four times.
NP: You didn't specify what age. You didn't say that his mother was staying about at the same time.
NP: So you had the benefit of the doubt last time. Paul's definitely got it this time, and he's got eighteen seconds. Taming An Elephant, Paul, starting now.
PS: Taming an elephant seems such a treacherous activity that I can only hope it is the task on week nine of this year's Apprentice. How I will laugh and smile and otherwise amuse myself...
NP: Richard challenged.
RH: I think there was some hesitation there.
NP: There was a hesitation so you've got it back again, Richard. And you've got four seconds on Taming An Elephant, starting now.
RH: You will find if you tickle an elephant underneath its trunk that it will do anything you tell it. It's very true of men as well, as it happens.
NP: Richard, you weren't challenged but there were two deviations there. You can't tickle an elephant under his trunk and he'll do anything. So - what was the other thing you said?
RH: Well, we ah don't want to go into that-
NP: Anyway, Richard was speaking as the whistle went. He's moved forward. He's equal with Jenny in second place. They're two points behind our leader, Tony Hawks, and uh Paul is bringing up a magnificent rear, and uh and we're on to Richard. We'd like you to take on the next round. the subject is Snooker. Tell us something about snooker in this game, starting now.
RH: "Snooker loopy nuts are we," sang Chas and Dave shortly before they were institutionalised but I loved playing snooker as a child. I was, of course, brought into the game by shows such as Pot Black. We had Rear Ray Reardon 'The Dracula'...
NP: Ooooh. Paul challenged.
PS: The six-time world champion was known as Ray Reardon. So there was a - whatever you'd like to call it - hesitation, really.
NP: No, deviation.
TH: Who was "Rear Ray"? That's what I want to know. And how did he get that moniker?
NP: Deviation from the correct name. Forty-seven seconds, Paul. You've got a correct challenge, and you have the subject. And it's Snooker, starting now.
PS: I suspect there may be cross-over with me and Richard on account of us being similar ages because I loved snooker ever since the nineteen-eighties. The sheer characters, the sheer personalit...
NP: Oh yes. Tony, you challenged.
PS: Yes, there were a couple of sheers.
NP: Yes, yes. Yes. So you've sheered in there with thirty-seven seconds, Tony. Snooker, starting now.
TH: I watched it in the seventies. I remember Ted Lowe saying once, "He's trying to pot the red, and - for those of you watching in black and white - it's just behind the blue," which was a tremendous moment in my life and how, in my family, we laughed. Forty minutes or so I think it was. It's a tremendous visual sport. I watch it sometimes thinking, "How are the people sitting there in-"
NP: Ummmm Richard's challenged.
RH: There were several hesitations, but that was the most noticeable on the stumble on "people."
NP: Richard, don't be so condescending [, you clot?]. There were not. There was one and you just got in on that last one, which was a definite hesitation. And so Richard you've got in with eleven seconds to go on Snooker, starting now.
RH: Because I had no friends and my brother and sister were older than me I spent a lot of time in the nineteen-eighties playing snooker against myself. I would...
NP: Jenny challenged.
JE: Did you say "nineteen-eighties" previously?
RH: No, that was uh Paul.
JE: I'm sorry. I take that back.
NP: Any other questions you'd like answered?
JE: Give me a clue!
NP: I don't do that programme. I'm sorry. Incorrect challenge, Richard, another point to you. Snooker, three seconds, starting now.
RH: There was 'Hurricane' Higgins, Jimmy 'Whirlwind' White. I was the 'Very Strong Breeze'
NP: So Richard Herring, speaking as the whistle went, gained that valuable extra point and he's moved forward. He's one point behind our leader, who's still Tony Hawks. Jenny's following Richard, and Paul is following Jenny. Paul Sinha, we'd like you to begin the next round and the subject is A DVD Box Set. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game, starting now.
PS: Every Christmas comes the dilemma of what to buy your parents, especially for me as my mother and father have everything except grandchildren and I'm physically impossible of providing that. So there comes the choice. What to- what to purchase for them...
NP: Jenny challenged.
JE: You're not physically incapable of providing them. You're just not that way inclined. That's nothing to do with it. You said errr-
PS: This is probably a conversation for another time. There's only one role for a turkey baster at Christmas and that's-.
NP: Do you have a correct challenge?
JE: Thank you.
NP: Paul, what- your response was so enjoyable - the audience laughed: that proves it - we give him a bonus point so Jenny you have a subject. Forty-six seconds on A DVD Box Set, Jenny, starting now.
JE: My favourite DVD box set at the moment is '30 Rock' starring the wonderful Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin. How funny this show is. All the cast are tremendous. If you want a really good laugh I can totally recommend...
NP: Uhh, Richard challenged.
RH: If I want a really good lark?
JE: Laugh. I said laugh.
RH: It came "larr."
NP: Oh, Richard. Stop being pedantic, please.
RH: That would never do in this game.
NP: She said "laugh." And if she didn't say "laugh" it sounded as close to "laugh" as you can possibly get. You're doing extremely well, so don't get carried away, please. Jenny, incorrect challenge. Thirty seconds, A DVD Box Set starting now.
JE: I also love the box set of Adverts from the Last Twenty Years. My favourite stars Lynda Bellingham...
NP: Tony challenged.
TH: I think she said "favourite" the last time when she was talking about...
JE: Yeah, you're right...
NP: Yes. That was her favourite the first time...
JE: Well spotted. Well spotted. Well played, Tony. Well done.
NP: Yes, well listened, Tony. Yes...
RH: That's how you play the game- that's how you play the game.
NP: So, Tony, you got in with twenty-two seconds to go on A DVD Box Set starting now.
TH: I like to take a DVD box set and balance it on the edge of a bin, then go to the other end of the room and throw things at it and try to knock it into that litter place. And it's tremendous fun. You can do this for thirty minutes or more sometimes and still keep the enjoyment factor right up there. If you want...
NP: Ummm, Jenny challenged.
NP: It was a hesitation-
TH: It was rubbish, but I was-
NP: So Jenny got in and there are five seconds to go. A DVD Box Set, starting now.
JE: There are a lot of Scandinavian box sets around at the moment which many of my...
NP: So Jenny Eclair was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and she's moved forward. She's now equal with Tony Hawks in the lead, closely followed by Richard Herring...
NP: Richard challenged.
RH: I think it's deviation from the truth. There's a little pause but I don't think- if he did that I don't think he would have admitted it on the show.
NP: Well, I think he was giving us a sort of fantasy thought but he did pause anyway. So Richard, benefit of the doubt. Forty-six seconds for you. I Have to Make a Confession, starting now.
RH: I Have to Make a Confession. When I was on my way up here I was at Kings Cross station - it's all been refurbed, it looks amazing - there's a toilet there. You have to pay thirty pence to go and visit. It's insane. But I noticed a woman came out of a gate that was unlocked and I just walked in through without giving kinks...
NP: Aaaah. Paul Sinha challenged.
RH: I looked at you as you were-
NP: There was a hesitation.
RH: Well, to prevent a repetition.
NP: Absolutely. And I was trying to think: if you haven't got 30 P handy, and you're in a rush, what do you do? Just wet your knickers or what?
RH: It used to be a penny as well, didn't it? That's the thing, you should be allowed to have thirty wees for that. They should give you a season pass.
NP: So, Paul. Correct challenge. You have a point for that. Twenty-six seconds. I Have to Make a Confession, starting now.
PS: I Have to Make a Confession. Despite appearing on Radio Four any number of times in the last few years I have never listened to 'Quote Unquote' . It is a shocking confession to make, not least because when I was a kid people used to swap counterfeit tapes
NP: Umm, Richard challenged.
RH: Well, you- he challenged me on pronunciation earlier and he didn't say "counterfeit" correctly there. I won't say what he did say because I don't think it's suitable for broadcast on Radio Four.
NP: And I don't think that challenge is suitable for Just A Minute. You're doing so well you're on a high now. You're challenging for sort of thoughts and emotions now. Paul, an incorrect challenge. You still have the subject. Eleven seconds, I Have to Make a Confession, starting now.
PS: I Have to Make a Confession. Despite being a fan of the work of Richard Herring the comedian, and not being un-unaverse to...
NP: Jenny challenged?
JE: ... two "uns" in unaverse.
TH: That means you're averse.
NP: Jenny, you've got in with four seconds to go on the subject, I Have to Make a Confession, starting now.
JE: I Have to Make a Confession that once upon a time I told a boyfriend that my hair was naturally...
NP: At the end of that round Jenny Eclair was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. She's gone one ahead of Tony Hawks, he's one ahead of Richard Herring, and he's two or three ahead of Paul Sinha in that order. And that is the sequence as we're back with you, Jenny, to begin. And the subject now is A Quick Exit. Sixty seconds, starting now.
JE: The last time I made A Quick Exit was from a swimming pool where I spied down the shallow end a child's small turd. I got out of that place as quickly as I could. Possibly not as fast as the last...
NP: Umm, Tony challenged.
TH: Well, how do you know it was a child's?
NP: Tony, we love the interjection. We give you a bonus point for that...
NP: ... but I mean I think her supposition was probably from the size she assumed it.
TH: Well look, it could have been a dachshund's that was wandering around, fell into the pool-
NP: Dachshunds don't go to public swimming baths! So Jenny you've got the benefit of the doubt. You've got A Quick Exit. Forty-two seconds, starting now.
JE: I did this corporate in a hotel down Park Lane. I absolutely died. I made such A Quick Exit through the kitchens, onto the streeet on- leapt onto a bu- oh, so sorry.
NP: Paul challenged.
NP: There was indeed, Paul.
NP: So you have the subject and a point of course. Twenty-nine seconds still available, A Quick Exit, starting now.
PS: I would say "coincidentally" although it isn't but it isn't because all comedians have this experience. I too have made A Quick Exit from a gig. Again, a hotel - in Folkestone this time - where I saw a child's small turd.
NP: Richard, you've challenged.
RH: Well, there's a hesitation.
PS: There was.
RH: In fact it was a repetition of what Jenny said.
JE: He's just copying.
NP: Jenny's was in a swimming pool. His was in a hotel. Seventeen seconds for you, Richard, on A Quick Exit starting now.
RH: When I was a child I was swimming in a pool and I felt the need. A call of nature, as it were, came to me and I knew it would have to happen fast so I made AQuick Exit both literally, and then from that body of water hoping that nobody would spot me and see what I'd done or measure the said piece of faeces.
NP: Right. So, Richard, you cleverly kept going until the whistle went and gained a wonderful round of applause from the audience in the process. We're moving into the final round, I'll give you the situation as we do. Paul Sinha - who did so well the last time we were here; I don't know if you remember because it was some time ago, of course - and he's now only a little way back in fourth place. No! Third place because we have equal in second place Richard Herring and Tony Hawks. But out in the lead, just two points ahead of them is um Jenny Eclair. It could be the lady's game. Paul, it's back with you to begin, and the subject is Winning a Competition. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.
PS: As one can probably see tonight, Winning a Competition is something very unusual for me and yet it has happened on one occasion. I'll cast your mind back to 1981 - we all remember it - the Croydon Under Twelve Chess Championships. I was seeded third at the time. There was great press presence there. The local press- oh.
NP: And Tony's challenged.
TH: Yes. I think repetition of "press."
NP: Yes, there was...
PS: Mmmm! Indeed.
NP: ... Tony, a correct challenge. Another point. Forty-two seconds available. Winning a Competition, starting now.
TH: While we're talking about our childhood achievements, I managed to get to the final of the Under Twelve Sussex Closed Tennis Tournament but did not win that competition. I know that you can hardly believe it, but there was a bloke called Jeremy Dyer who did stuff me on that particular court that day. But...
NP: Richard challenged.
RH: Do we really need to know about what he did to you and the intimate details? I'd best get back to how the competition went, not the after-show celebrations. That's what I-
NP: So have you a challenge-
RH: That's the deviation. He went away from winning the competition to talking about what-
NP: No, he didn't. He did repeat "that". You could have had him for repetition, but it's too late now, I'm afraid.
NP: So, Tony, an incorrect challenge. Twenty-three seconds. Winning a Competition, starting now.
TH: The wonderful thing about Just A Minute is that it doesn't matter if you win or not, it's all about competing and as Nicholas Parsons, our esteemed host says on so many occasions, fun - and we have had it in the barrel-load tonight. I- I certainly have been here calling out to people so I don't know...
NP: So, Paul, you challenged first.
PS: Was there a hesitation?
NP: There definitely was. So you got the subject, and you got a point, of course. Six seconds still available. Winning A Competition, starting now.
PS: I am spending a beautiful summer evening in front of wonderful people in the lovely town of Bridlington. I have already won the greatest competition...
NP: Paul, I'm going to give you a bonus point because you brought this show to an end with such a flourish and in such style. That round of applause you got deserves an extra bonus point. You haven't won, but, but you came from nowhere because you were trailing at the beginning and you are now equal with Richard Herring in second place and you're both only two points behind equal firsts. They're all almost equal, but two have come out on top, and that's Tony Hawks and Jenny Eclair so we say: joint winners this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game: Tony Hawks, Paul Sinha, Richard Herring, and Jenny Eclair. I thank Sharon Leonard who's helped me with the score, blown her whistle with such style when the sixty seconds have elapsed. And also we're grateful to our producer, Tilusha Ghelani. We're indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are truly indebted to this lovely audience here at the Spa Pavilion at Bridlington who've cheered us on our way and made us feel so warm and loved. Thank you so much. From us, from all of us here, and me Nicholas Parsons, goodbye, thank you, and tune in the next time we all play Just A Minute!