WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring TONY HAWKS, JENNY ECLAIR, RICHARD HERRING and PAUL SINHA, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 June 2012)
NOTE: This was transcribed by Mister Nylon, thank you very much!
Index and approximate starting time in recording
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just a Minute.
TONY HAWKS: There are many different kinds of puddings in the world, let's face it, but of them all surely Yorkshire Pudding is the finest.
NP: And Jenny, you've challenged.
JENNY ECLAIR: Only because he hesitated.
NP: Right. So, Jenny, that's a correct challenge. You get a point for that and you take over the subject, and there are fourteen seconds still available. Yorkshire Puddings, starting now.
JE: Interestingly enough, I once saw my sister regurgitate an entire Yorkshire Pudding on a flight from Berlin to London back in the sixties. There is a reason for this which is too long-winded to...
NP: In this game, whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gains an extra point and of course it was Jenny Eclair, and she's the only one to have scored at the end of that round. So we now move on and well ask Paul Sinha, will you begin the next round? Oh, another lovely Yorkshire subject: Boycotts. Sixty seconds, starting now.
PAUL SINHA: Well might there be a frisson in the room for we are in Yorkshire and of course there is no boycotts, there is only one Boycott.
NP: Richard, you've challenged.
RICHARD HERRING: I would say it's a hesitation.
NP: It was. The trouble was, he was playing the audience-
RH: He was. I understand it.
NP: That's the thing about this game: if you go well, you've got to wait for the audience, but you can't wait for the audience. But Richard, it was a hesitation so we give you a point for that. And there are thirty-seven seconds. Boycotts, starting now.
RH: Ah, I think I really should boycott this round myself. I feel strongly that uh the subject of boycotts...
NP: Paul challenged.
NP: There was an 'er er er'-
RH: There was one at the beginning. Thanks for letting it go.
TH: It is- It is true, Richard. You did begin with 'er'.
RH: I did, yeah. To err is human...
NP: Right. There are thirty seconds still available, Paul, and you have Boycotts, starting now.
PS: I accept that Boycott is a legend in many ways but what can you say about a man so slow that his knighthood, the ceremony by which the queen knighted him, uh lasted so long that the queen had to retire...
NP: Richard challenged.
RH: Repetition of 'queen'.
PS: There was, yes.
NP: And repetition of 'so', but it doesn't really matter...
NP: ... Eighteen seconds available. Richard, it's with you. Boycotts, starting now.
RH: One of my favourite boycotts was by Geoffrey Boycott himself. When he was meant to be playing in a test match he pretended he was ill because he didn't want to field and he went off and played golf instead, which was the reason his test career ended, I believe. That was the last timehe-
NP: Paul challenged.
PS: Deviation. It wasn't the reason his test career ended. It ended because of a rebel tour of South Africa in the early eighties.
NP: I agree with you, Paul, and you have three seconds on boycotts, starting now.
PS: Undoubtedly his finest innings was in 1979 in the world...
NP: So Paul Sinha got a number of points in that round and he's moved forward - he's in the lead. He's one ahead of Richard Herring and Jenny Eclair and Tony's yet to score, but we've heard from him.
JE: The story of his life.
NP: I should have said he's yet to score any points in this show. Right, Richard. Will you begin the next round. The subject is Where I Grew Up. Sixty seconds, starting now.
RH: Some people would argue that I have not yet grown up but I was born in the East Riding of Yorkshire in a town called Pocklington or 'Pock' as many people will call it around here. Unfortunately, due to my parents' lack of foresight I moved from that area when I was four years old and I suppose I grew up in Cheddar in Somerset, a beautiful part of the world nestling in the Mendip Hills in Somersetshire
NP: Paul, yes.
PS: Repetition of 'Somerset', I believe.
RH: I disagree.
NP: No, he said 'Somersetshire' the second time.
RH: I caught you out.
PS: Is that a word?
NP: No, it isn't.
RH: It is! Somersetshire. I'm from Somersetshire and that's what we sometimes call it.
NP: On occasions I give the benefit of the doubt, and I think to be fair I have to give the benefit of the doubt to Paul, and if I can redress the balance later, Richard I'll give it back to you. Paul, you've got Where I Grew Up. Thirty-five seconds starting now.
PS: It's mistakenly believed, thanks to Wikipedia, that I grew up in Luton in Bedfordshire, but I didn't. I was lucky that my father and mother foresook that godforesaken
NP: Tony challenged.
TH: I think there was a slight hesitation there.
NP: There was a definite hesitation.
RH: And also his 'foresooker' worked.
PS: No. It comes after-
MP - So, Tony. you got in with twenty-five seconds to go. You got a point for a correct challenge, of course. 'Where I Grew Up' is the subject and you start now.
TH: The most important thing in life is to grow up in a seaside resort that begins w ith "Br." I was born in Brighton and I have lived there most of my life. I would wander along the beach - not that it's as magnificent as the north one here which is...
NP: Uhhh, Richard challenged.
RH: Is there a definition we can say just, "Creep into the audience"? I think there should be a- I think we should just allow that as a new challenge because he's done it every single time, every single time he's spoken-
RH: I'm actually from the East Riding of Yorkshire and if anyone's going to play to the crowd, it's me.
NP: Richard, we've been going for forty-five years with this show. I don't think you can suddenly come along and introduce new rules, especially if they're going to be to your advantage. Right. So, that was an incorrect challenge. It's still with you, Tony. Where I Grew Up, and there are - oh! - there's only one second to go! Anyway, one second, starting now.
TH: Portsmouth is...
NP: So, it's pretty even-pegging. They're all about equal at the moment, and Jenny we're with you to begin. So, Jenny, the subject I have in front of me now is 'How To Make Money.' I don't know whether you've made much in your time. You've certainly been a very-
JE: Why do you think I'm here?
NP: 'How to Make Money', Jenny, is the subject, and there are sixty seconds starting now.
JE: The easiest way to make money is to buy a clever dog, teach it some tricks, go on 'Britain's Got Talent' and win half a million quid. There's nothing right about this business. The other method would be to obtain a really good fthwsththhthsw colour photocopier-
NP: Tony, you challenged first.
TH: I - I don't know where you obtain that! I wouldn't know how to spell it.
JE: I suddenly developed a speech impediment and I'm so sorry. I was trying to say "colour photocopier."
RH: Why did we start it with an "F"? That's what I want to know.
NP: They'll think when they listen to this show coming out that he pressed his buzzer in order to censor you. But Tony it was hesitation so 'How to Make Money' is with you and there are forty seconds, starting now.
TH: For me, the easiest way to make money is to sell my body, which I shall be doing after the show as I wander the streets of Bridlington, which will probably bring me in about three pound fifty.
NP: Richard. You challenged.
RH: It's deviation in a lot of ways, but I don't- I don't think he would make about three pound fifty. I think it's overestimation as well. He might have to pay out three pound fifty-
TH: No, I'm including VAT.
NP: Tony, I gave you the benefit of the doubt last time. I'm going to give it to you this time, Richard, because I don't think Tony walking the streets of Bridlington and trying to make money with his body would have much success at all. So, Richard, you have the subject. Twenty-four seconds. 'How to Make Money' starting now.
RH: I did try to sell my body to medical science but they didn't want it. They asked me to pay in order to take it. I think the best way to make money though is to get a job at the Royal Mint where you will literally be out there making money every day, taking bank notes, err, just paper to begin with-
NP: Paul challeneged.
NP: There was a hesitation. A definite 'errr', I'm afraid, Richard. 'How to Make Money', Paul, seven seconds, starting now.
PS: Without a shadow of a doubt the easiest way to make money is to use your imagination and create a world where a teenage wizard gets taught by...
NP: Jenny challenged.
JE: I'd like to take that challenge back. I'm really sorry. I thought he was deviating from making money but he was referring of course to J.K.Rowling who wrote the books, Harry Potter and made a-. That's why she's called "J.K.Rolling in it."
NP: But it was an incorrect challenge, so Paul you have another point for that. 'How to Make Money'. Half a second, starting now.
PS: Never read the books. They're kids' stuff.
NP: Right. So at the end of that round Paul Sinha is gaining a lot of points. He's now in the lead. He's two ahead of Tony Hawks, three ahead of Richard Herring and four ahead of Jenny Eclair. And Tony, your turn to begin. The subject is 'Family History.' Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
TH: I'm very keen on genealogy and I have traced my ancestry all the way back to my father who, believe it or not, was born in Bridlington. It's true. He met my mother, possibly at this theatre. She was in a group called The Three Skylarks. He was a stagedoor johnnie. He went round and took her flowers and I've been wandering around this town today thinking, "This is where I began!" It's extraordinary, moving in some ways and...
NP: Richard, you-
RH: I think it was a hesitation. He was-
NP: A definite hes- He was so moved he came to a halt.
TH: True. I didn't make that up, though. My dad is from Bridlington.
NP: That's all right. We believe you.
TH: Do you? OK, because I lie all the time.
NP: Another point to you, Richard. Twenty-six seconds available. Family Histories, starting now.
RH: The thing that I have never understood about family trees is why the line goes through the father each time. That is the one person we can never be sure you are related to at all. It should go through the maternal line 'cos we know-
NP: Jenny challenged.
JE: Two "through"s. Through the father, through the mother.
NP: Well listened, Jenny, and you have the subject. Twelve seconds. Family Histories, starting now.
JE: My family history was not deemed interesting enough to do that telly programme, Who Do You Think You Are?
NP: Richard challenged.
RH: Repetition of 'you' in the title 'Who Do You Think You Are?'
NP: So I have to be correct within the rules of Just A Minute and say Richard you have a correct challenge. Another point to you, and six seconds. Family Histories. Starting now.
RH: The programme I really like to watch on TV is 'Who Do You Think One Is?' That is really...
NP: Tony challenged.
TH: What channel's that on? That's the queen's challenge. Who does one think one is?
NP: Do you have a challenge within the rules-
TH: Well, there's no programme. Deviation. There's no such programme as-. He says he likes to watch this programme and it doesn't exist. How can he watch it? He lives in a fantasy world.
NP: That's a very good point, isn't it?
TH: Yes it is.
NP: Oh, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say yes. And you've got in with half a second to go. Family History, starting now.
TH: Gloria Swanson-
NP: So Tony has moved forward; he's equal with Paul Sinha in the lead and they're closely followed by the other two. And Paul, we're back with you to begin, and the subject is 'The Happiness Index.' Sixty seconds, starting now.
PS: The Happiness Index, which one must be careful to pronounce with the "H" intact is a concept introduced by the king of Bhutan, Jigme Wangchuck, who basically came up the idea of Gross National Happiness to measure the elation of his err country-
NP: Tony, you challenged.
TH: Yeah, I think there was a slight hesitation there.
NP: There was a definite- He's getting so clever I think he tripped himself up, wasn't it? Yes. Right, so Tony. You have a correct challenge. Forty-nine seconds. The Happiness Index, starting now.
TH: I think the king of Bhutan was on a good thing. It's a marvellous, wonderful way of measuring how you spend your time on this earth. Who cares how you've got? I don't. I want to walk along the beaches of Brighton or Bridlington and just wallow - if you can - in happiness that's all around us. The currency is different. It's not to do with pounds or dollars or Euros, it's connected with the elation that you feel inside you - I'm talking so much rubbish
NP: Yeah, I think they're clapping your emotional exposition there. Jenny, you challenged first?
JE: Ah, there were two "you"s, and he hesitated.
TH: They were in a field.
NP: I can't give you two points, Jenny. You get one point for a correct challenge. Seventeen seconds. Tell us somet hing about The Happiness Index, starting now.
JE: Men carry their happiness index in their pants: up; happy; down; sad. Women are much more complicated, and our happiness index is affected by many things: hormones; whether we can get into last year's jeans...
NP: So Jenny Eclair was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. She's equal with Richard in third place, but they're only one point behind Paul, and he's only one point behind Tony. It's neck and neck, isn't it? Richard, we're back with you to begin. The subject's 'A Romantic Gesture'. Tell us something about that in this game, starting now.
NP: Paul challenged.
PS: Deviation. No it isn't. He- He's taking the joy out of it. It isn't. It just isn't-
NP: But Paul, he was expressing his opinion. It was a fact, but it must be his opinion as well, so benefit of the doubt I think to Richard on this occasion. Keeps the subject. Fifty-two seconds. A Romantic Gesture, starting now.
RH: Every morning when I make my partner a bowl of porridge I will take-
NP: Jenny challenged.
JE: Well, I think I should point out that's a slight deviation. He's called her 'his partner'. They are legally wed and I think she would appreciate being called your wife.
RH: I was errr-
JE: I think you've forgotten!
RH: I was planning ahead, that I thought I might mention she was my wife later on, so I thought I would-
TH: No. Clearly what's happening, he's making breakfast for his business partner. Something's going on there! What's your business partner doing staying around your place?
NP: It's a difficult one to judge, because you could say logically it's his wife, but she's still also his partner.
RH: I don't think I have.
NP: Jenny, forty-eight seconds on A Romantic Gesture, starting now.
JE: Preparing a candle-lit meal could be deemed a romantic gesture, unless you've done kippers. There's nothing romatic about trying to give the old man a Heimlich Manoeuvre on the kitchen table while you're screaming into y-his face...
RH: I think there was a "y-his" there.
JE: Y-his. That's his name. "Y-His! Y-His, your dinner's ready!"
NP: Jenny had the benefit of the doubt last time, you have it this time, and there are thirty-two seconds. A Romantic Gesture's back with you, Richard, starting now.
RH: When I first met my first wife...
NP: Ohhh. Tony, you challenged.
TH: There was a hesitation there.
RH: And I said "first" twice. Well, let's- I'll give him-
NP: Well, he hesitated because he realised the mistake he'd made. Anyway, it's correct, Tony. A Romantic Gesture's with you and there are twenty-nine seconds- why are you laughing at that? It wasn't funny - starting now.
TH: I'll tell you something that isn't a romantic gesture and that's this.
NP: Paul challenged.
PS: I don't know where to start, really. Number one, that is definitely deviation, um-
NP: Well, actually I'll tell you it's deviation because this is radio and I can tell you it was pretty disgusting and uh-
RH: He won't get three pound fifty around the back of the theatre for that, and that's all I'm saying.
NP: Anyway, he did hesitate, so Paul you have twenty-four seconds on 'A Romantic Gesture' starting now.
PS: Touched as I am by these romantic gestures, they all pale into comparison with the seventeenth-century mogul emperor Shah Jahan who - so distraught by the death of his wife, Mumtaz - spent twenty-five years creating the Taj Mahal which still to this day is the most romantic Indian restaurant in Streatham, South London.
JE: Just a tiny pause to take his much-deserved laugh, really.
NP: I almost feel he should have a bonus point for the joke he made, really. He has his bonus point. You have the subject. A Romantic Gesture, Jenny, and there are four seconds starting now.
JE: I know a bloke who gave his wife an engagement ring and hid it in a glass of champagne-
NP: Oooooh. Richard. The bu- You challenged before the-
RH: I am going to challenge this because Jenny Eclair said, "I know a bloke who gave his wife an engagement ring. Why would he be giving his wife an engagement ring? They were already married.
NP: Jenny, what we can say is there: Hoisted on your own petard!
TH: I don't think Richard's going to be able to keep going for the time that's left in this round. He's got about a quarter of a second.
NP: You have the point. You have the subject, and you only have half a second - no, less than a quarter of a second actually - A Romantic Gesture - put that into your mouth now, darling
RH: At least he called her "darling". I mean, that's quite romantic.
TH: That'd be the longest half-second of your life.
NP: I must explain to my listeners: I was suggesting to Sharon- You saw what h appened! I must tell the listener I was persuading Sharon to put the whistle in...
RH: It's not getting any better.
NP: ...her mouth 'cos she only has a quarter of a second. Whoever's supposed to be speaking - doesn't really matter - there's a quarter of a second to go and the time starts now. Oooh!
RH: Every valentine-
NP: Well done, Sharon. She bore that one magnificently. I don't think I'll ever recover from that one. And certainly Sharon won't. Well, it's a very interesting situation at the end of that round because Richard Herring and Jenny Eclair are equal in second place, and they're only one point behind Tony Hawks and Paul Sinha who are equal in first place. So, we carry on, and Jenny we're back with you to begin and the subject now is Trash TV. Tell us something about that subject in this game, starting now.
NP: Richard, you challenged.
RH: Repetition of 'drive.'
JE: 'Driving' and 'drive'...
RH: Oh no, there wasn't. Right, yeah...
NP: Driving and drive. That's right.
JE: (evil laugh) Mwahahahahaha!
NP: Richard, all I can say is that she has played the game a few more times than you have and it's very- So another point to Jenny. Forty-five seconds still available, Jenny. Trash TV, starting now.
JE: My guilty pleasure is made in Chelsea. 'The Only Way is Essex'. Jeremy Kyle. All that rubbish I can watch for hours on end, but I pretend that I'm reading books under my duvet. I'm not. I'm just watching trash telly.
NP: Richard, you challenged.
RH: You keep your telly under the duvet?
NP: Do you have a challenge under the rules of the game?
RH: No, I'm just interested to know more about why- what she's doing with a television under a duvet.
RH: It's true. I think it's a deviation from the truth.
NP: No, no. She can have it wherever she wants it.
JE: Aye yeah. And I tend to do so.
NP: But I- It's too late now, but you did miss the repetition of 'watching.' So, twenty-seven seconds, Jenny. Still with you. Another point. Trash TV starting now.
JE: There's a lot of it, isn't it, on the television? And sometimes you think well the only answer to this is to throw my television out of the-
NP: Tony challenged.
TH: Repetition of 'television.'
RH: It's in the title, kind of.
NP: "Trash TV" is on the card.
NP: That's what I said.
JE: Oh, so I'm not allowed to use the longer words-
TH: Absolutely not! Not in this room.
NP: You can only repeat- Technically- [inaudible]
JE: I was deviating from being amusing. You're most welcome to this round.
NP: Right. Trash TV is with you, Tony, starting - and you've got eighteen seconds - starting now.
TH: I decided to trash my TV last year. I don't want to be subjected to endless commercials and all the rubbish that's on in between. It's not edifying for a man of intellect of my extraordinary proportions. I might sound a little bit big-headed...
NP: Right. So let's give you the situation. In ascending order, Richard Herring is in fourth place, one point behind Paul Sinha, who's one point behind Jenny Eclair, who's one point behind Tony Hawks. So it's very close and we go into the final round. And Tony, will you begin it with this subject here: Your Word Against Mine. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.
TH: Your word won't stand a chance against mine. Mine has been to the gym, is keeping very fit and is fitted with nuclear warheads. So, should your word come up against it, there will be no battle because it will be a foregone conclusion that mine will be the victor. How I can continue in this vein for another forty seconds is a mystery...
NP: Ah Jenny. You challenged.
JE: It was a mercy challenge.
RH: I was interested. Sometimes you just want to let- leave someone going and see where they'll end up. I wish we could've left you for a minute.
NP: So have you a challenge in the rules of Just A Minute? I agree with the mercy.
JE: I just saw panic in his eyes.
NP: He was keeping going, though. He didn't hesitate-
JE: Yup. Yup. I'm sorry. It was an incorrect challenge.
NP: No, no. You can have a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption. And Tony gets a point because it was an incorrect challenge. It's Your Word Against Mine, Tony. And there are thirty-five seconds, starting now.
TH: Imagine the court case: Hawks against Cameron representing the government. He has accused me of deviating on Just A Minute. It's his word against mine. Who would the public side with? I don't think there's any doubt. A politician or a comedian, I would li- I still don't want it.
NP: You had that audience transfixed with absolute rubbish. So, Paul you challenged first.
PS: It was a sort of a mixture of hesitation and deviation combined.
NP: You can have one or the other.
RH: I was unclear who was the politician and who was the comedian as well, that's-
NP: Hesitation is right, Paul. And you have twelve seconds and you take over the subject. Another point to you. Your Word Against Mine, starting now.
PS: Your Word Against Mine as I remember was the original version of the hit television show Countdown, filmed in 1981 with Richard Whitely, the former Mayor of Wetwang. People simply had to come up with a word...
NP: So, Paul Sinha was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that all-important extra point. And I'll give you the final situation. Richard Herring, who has not played the game as much as others, finished in a very strong fourth place. Third place, actually, Richard, because we have two joint seconds, which is Paul Sinha and Jenny Eclair. But one point ahead was Tony Hawks so we say Tony you are the winner this week! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these fine four players of the game: Tony Hawks, Paul Sinha, Richard Herring and Jenny Eclair. I thank Sharon Leonard who's helped me with the score, blown her whistle most delicately when the time was up. We thank our producer, Talisha Gilani. We're indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game, and we're very grateful to this lovely audience here at the Spa Theatre in Bridlington. So from them, from me, Nicholas Parsons, and the team, goodbye and tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute!