WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring PAUL MERTON, SUE PERKINS, JULIAN CLARY and GREG PROOPS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 May 2012)
NOTE: This was transcribed by Nylon. Thank you very much!
Index of rounds and their approximate starting times
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
SUE PERKINS: I was in Leighton Buzzard, trapped in a lift with George Galloway just after he had hit paydirt with that incredible impression of a cat. There he was, still in the leotard, asking me to extend my palms cupped upwards so he could do the 'drinking milk' thing. "No!" I said. "I can't be party to this!" He would have none of it. "I'm a Persian, you know," he said. He now had got such specifics in mind when it came to which particular feline he was mimicking. The lift would not move. I've said lift already...
NP: Yes. Julian challenged.
JULIAN CLARY: Repetition of lift.
NP: And Julian, you challenged first. Yes, she repeated lift so that's repetition. You get a point for that. Take over the subject, twenty-nine seconds available starting now.
JC: The worst night of my life was when I was coming out of Chinawhite. It must have been five o'clock in the morning and the paps were there. Mistook me, I don't know why, for Denise Welch. Well, I had some man on my arm who I'd dragged off the dance floor and I was fully intending to show him a very good time at my hotel suite, but what with the paparazzi behind us, well we couldn't get there. Anyway, I thought "I'm having my way whether you like it or not."
PAUL MERTON: That was also the worst night of my life.
NP: In this game, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point, and it was Julian Clary. And Julian's the only one who scored any points in that round so he's naturally in the lead. And Julian you're actually due to begin the next round. And the subject is The Vikings. Sixty seconds, starting now.
JC: Well, the vikings were absolute brutes. They came over here in their thousands by boat, if you please, hair blowing in the wind. Well, we Brits didn't know what to make of them to begin with. We thought, "Nice bone structure."
NP: Sue buzzed.
SP: I - I - I had a sort of trigger finger. I didn 't mean to buzz at all. It just - happened.
NP: Well, if that happens, Sue, the person who was interrupted gets a point-
SP: Yes, and rightly so!
NP: And he continues, which is Julian Clary, and there are forty-seven seconds still, Julian, on The Vikings, starting now.
JC: "The vikings are coming," we all screamed as we barricaded ourselves in our castles...
PM: How old are you? What - "We all screamed when the vikings-"? I didn't scream: I wasn't there. Nicholas was there...
JC: No, I was talking about we-
PM: ... he was a tour guide for them.
JC: We British. I was talking on behalf of our British ancestors.
PM: Oh, I see.
JC: Don't be so picky.
PM: That's kind of what the show's about.
JC: What do you think, Nicholas?
NP: It did sound as if you were thinking the vikings were just around the corner the other day-
JC: I was dramatising it-
PM: Dramatising, I see.
NP: I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
PM: Yeah, give him the benefit of the doubt.
JC: I've got too many points now.
NP: Well, you store them up for the future. Right. Vikings, still with you, Julian. Forty seconds, starting now.
JC: Viking genes slowly, over the generations, mingled with our own Anglo-Saxons' and therefore we grew taller and stronger and had blue eyes. If it were not for the vikings, goodness knows what would have become of us. We'd have had..
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: What are you saying about my mother? Hesitation.
NP: Yeah I think there was. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, Paul. Twenty-five seconds. Tell us something about the vikings starting now.
PM: I don't know anything about the vikings.
NP: Julian, you challenged first.
JC: He stopped talking, which would count as a-
NP: We interpret that as hesitation-
JC: As a hesitation.
NP: And so you've got it back, Julian. You're the only one who's talking in the show this week. Twenty-four seconds still with you, Julian, on the vikings, starting now.
JC: The vikings! Where were we? Oh, yes. Sea-faring men, women and children. They came from a far-off land. They brought their folk lores with them and they'd sit by the camp fire talking gobbledegook, which is the viking language. Well! Everyone adored them almost instantly and the women said...
SP: Repetition of 'women.'
NP: Yes, because you had the women and children before.
NP: So, Sue, you got in with one second to go. And one second on The Vikings, starting now.
SP: Horned helmet brutes, they swept across the seas...
NP: So, Sue was speaking as the whistle went, gaining an extra point for doing so. She made them out to be brutes, Julian thought they were loveable, and he's got five points. He's way out in the lead like that. Sue's got two, Paul's got one, and Greg's yet to score. And Sue, it's actually your turn to begin. And the subject now - oh, a very erudite one - Gauguin. Tell us something about Gauguin in this game, starting now.
SP: Gauguin was a European post-impressionist and actually the thing I remember him for is that he was hanging around van Gogh when the ear incident took place. Many people think said painter severed his own lug-hole but actually recent evidence points to the fact that Gauguin and his nibs had a bit of a barney over a local prostitute and this ended up with a sword fight taking place. Neither artist was a particularly good fencer and so what happened of course is that the very tip of that august painter I formerly mentioned flew off, but they decided to keep it quiet. Much better, of course, for folklore that someone would think that in a moment of artistic madness and heightened sensibility they had severed part of their own anatomy.
NP: Julian challenged.
JC: Repetition of 'severed.'
NP: Yes, he severed his ear, earlier on...
SP: Ah yes!
NP: ... and you went for forty-eight seconds
GREG PROOPS: Wow.
SP: That was a special 'Forty-Eight Seconds' noise.
NP: I'll give you a bonus point. I think you deserve it.
SP: Oh, bless you.
NP: But Julian. You get a point for a correct challenge with twelve seconds to go. Gauguin - starting now.
JC: Gauguin was French, I expect, and a devil with the paintbrush. He was prolific: lots of dusky women in Haiti wearing lovely sari affairs...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Deviation. It was Tahiti he did most of his painting.
JC: He travelled around a bit.
PM: No he didn't. Tahiti and Wolvenstow are the two places he painted, mainly. He didn't go to Haiti.
NP: He didn't go to Haiti.
PM: He didn't, no.
NP: It was Tahiti.
GP: We have to be factual on this show?
NP: Well, we do get letters, otherwise. And I get bored writing a reply.
GP: Really? No emails then?
NP: Paul. Two seconds to go; correct challenge. Gauguin, starting now.
PM: Gauguin's impression of a post was absolutely fantastic which made him, of course, the best post impressionist.
NP: Well, at the end of that round it's a very interesting situation. Paul Merton, Julian Clary and Sue Perkins are all equal in the lead. Julian, it's your turn to begin. The subject is The First Chapter of My Autobiography. Sixty seconds, starting now.
JC: The First Chapter of My Autobiography, which is entitled "A Young Man's Passage" begins with the Norman Lamont incident, and once you've got through that we reverse backwards to my childhood and all the interesting things that happened to make me into the renowned homosexual and camp comic that sits before you now. The First Chapter of My Autobiography is also the end, interestingly. It goes full circle, if you follow my drift.The First Chapter of My Au-
NP: Greg challenged.
GP: I believe he said 'first' twice.
NP: He did say 'first' twice and Greg, you've got in with thirty seconds to go-
JC: It's on the title.
PM: It's on the card.
SP: It's on the card.
GP: Oh, is it?
NP: It's on the card, Greg.
GP: Oh, drop me then. I was just excited that I was listening.
NP: I know.
GP: Sorry, Jules.
NP: And I was so excited that you might get your first point, but - and so I can't give it to you, unfortunately Greg, because it's on the card. You can take the subject or any words in that subject. So Julian, an incorrect challenge. Another point to you. The First Chapter of My Autobiography, thirty seconds, starting now.
JC: The First Chapter of My Autobiography takes place in Tahiti where I went to make some lovely paintings, just like that Gauguin chap, or was it Haiti? I don't know.
NP: Sue challenged.
SP: There was a hesitation, which I think was a crumb.
JC: No I - I coughed something up.
JC: Mid-sentence, and I don't know where it went. I'm ever so sorry.
SP: I don't know where that sits under the rules of Just A Minute.
GP: So there's no deviation or congestion?
NP: Give him a bonus point for that. Sue, you had a correct challenge. Twenty seconds available. The First Chapter of My Autobiography, starting now.
SP: The First Chapter of My Autobiography deals with the scarring incident of watching Julian Clary and Norman Lamont make television history. After that I realised that nothing was sacred in this world. Such a beautiful moment when an august MP was brought down to size, quite rightly. The second chapter, of course, goes on to discuss my own childhood-
NP: So Sue Perkins was then speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point and she's moved forward. She's equal with Julian in the lead one point ahead of Paul, Greg is scoring and it's his turn to begin, and Greg we've got the subject for you now of Cleopatra. Tell us something about Cleopatra in this game starting now.
GP: Cleopatra was a dynamic woman, a divine goddess, an empress of most of the Eastern empire. Her romantic affairs were legend. First, Julius Caesar to whom she was delivered in a basket of laundry, though some people would argue she was rolled up in a carpet. Either way, they got it going and knocked boots until the break of dawn. The Nile river flows so very freely all through Africa, as did Cleopatra when she worked her wiles on that august emperor, the one who I previously mentioned. Later, after Caesar was assassinated he was-
NP: Sue challenged.
SP: He repeated 'Caesar'.
NP: Yes indeed. Twenty-five seconds for you, Sue, on Cleopatra starting now.
SP: Cleopatra comin' atya loved to bathe in a bath of ass' milk, which I'd find a little cloying. She'd love a little bit of it, and why wouldn't you? Famously, of course, it was the asp that got her in the end, a snake that legend has it-
NP: Um, Paul challenged.
PM: I think it bit her on the chest, actually. 'The snake got her in the end.' These jokes are available on teletext if you want to check them at any point.
NP: Yeah, but she was using it colloquially...
SP: There's an image!
NP: Eleven seconds-
SP: Eleven seconds.
NP: Still with you on Cleopatra, starting now.
SP: Cleopatra's legacy was a symmetrical bob, and I think she'd be pleased with that. Jesse J rocks that look and frequently says, "I'm all about the Cleopatra." It doesn't matter that she ruled-
NP: So, Sue Perkins speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and has moved forward ahead of Julian Clary, Paul Merton and Greg Proops in that order. Paul, we're back with you to begin. The subject now is Going to the Dump. Tell me about going to the dump in this game, starting now.
PM: Recycling is something that we should all do as model citizens whether it be plastic, glass, wood, paper - whatever you need to recycle, it can be done. Now the best place to do this is undoubtedly the local dump. When I go there, I say to myself, "All the world is here in detritus form. Look at the torn letter there. Is that a missive from a loved one to someone lost overseas or is it just a grocery bill from Barnsley?" We look at the letters-
NP: Julian challenged.
JC: Repetition of 'look.'
NP: Oh yes, you looked before.
NP: So Julian, you've got in with thirty-three seconds on Going to the Dump, starting now.
JC: I go to the dump quite often. I'm all for a good clear out. I've got lesbian friends who come around in their dungarees and we load up the car, drive straight to the dump, and it's all in different sections these days. There's electrical goods dump, or there's things for paper - and you get the general idea. It's very organised and all of these things once placed in the receptacle-
NP: Er, Sue challenged.
SP: Repetition of 'things.'
NP: Yes, there were too many things there, Julian. Right. So, Sue, you got in with twelve seconds to go on Going to the Dump, starting now.
SP: I love going to the dump, or the civic community ["immunity"?] site as they'd have you call it these days. Paul is right: you can recycle pretty much anything. It requires order and precision which is, in many ways, lacking from my life. But I love to-
NP: So Sue Perkins was again speaking as the whistle went to gain that extra point and has moved forward and increased her lead ahead of Julian Clary and Paul Merton and Sue, we're actually back with you to begin. And the subject now is How I Would Describe My Personality. Can you do that in sixty seconds, if possible, starting now?
SP: How I would describe my personality is very different from the psychiatric profile that was done on me. I was amazed at the disparity between the two. I see myself as something of a bon viveur: cheeky, ready to dash out at a moment's notice. However that wasn't quite the verdict. It seems that once I've stopped speaking (for what let's hope's a minute) I can retire into a slightly smaller world. When at home, I'm not this gobby, speccy fool but more of a retiring and contemplative soul who likes to consider the bigger picture, although I've never fully realised it. It's important, I think, when considering my personality to realise that there are facets. We can be every little thing to each and every person that we come into contact with in this-
NP: Greg challenged.
GP: I hated to stop the flow, because I was enchanted, but I believe she said 'every' twice.
NP: Yes, she did.
SP: Yeah, I did.
NP: And she said 'consider' twice as well, but you didn't pick that one up. Anyway, the - uh...
GP: I've just got to check my notes here for a second.
NP: I have to say that-
GP: You're right. She did say 'consider' twice.
NP: Twenty seconds for you, Greg, after a correct challenge, on How I Would Describe My Personality, starting now.
NP: Paul, you challenged.
GP: I just didn't feel the need to go on, really.
SP: That says it all.
NP: Yes of course. So Paul, balance is fairly done. Sixteen seconds on How I Would Describe My Personality, starting now.
PM: Brusque, Rumanian, coquettish, girly, sexy, strange, odd.
NP: Julian challenged.
PM: Oh - here we go!
JC: I'm still smarting a little from-
PM: That's your own fault. I warned you I was not like other men.
JC: He can't describe himself in those terms because it's not true. If I can't say Gauguin painted pictures in Tahiti-
PM: Are you still worried about that?
JC: or wherever it was, and that's not allowed because it's not true, then you can't say you're coquettish and girly because quite frankly I've never seen anything less coquettish.
NP: I would agree with you, Julian. I don't think he's coquettish.
JC: No! Or girly.
PM: But it's how I would describe my personality, not what you would think.
SP: I love the fact that everyone's thinking it's fine you said 'Rumanian'.
SP: [with foreign accent] But of course he's Rumanian. Everybody know that!
PM: I've always thought he was.
JC: It's deviation!
NP: Yeah, deviation. Not coquettish or girlish. Ten seconds for you, Julian on How I Would Des-
PM: But that's how I would describe my personality. I might be wrong...
SP: I think you can be very coquettish.
NP: Oh, I see your point. [PM - Yes] Yes.
GP: I think you seem real Rumanian.
PM: 'Cos that's how I was describing it. I'm not saying it's a world view that other people share.
NP: Actually, Paul, it's a very difficult decision, but within the rules of Just A Minute you have a point, don't you?
PM: I sort of do.
NP: Yes. So-
PM: Julian's not happy. Give it to him.
JC: Well, I was nearly home and dry there. You see I thought I had ten seconds, and suddenly it's snatched from my grasp.
SP: I feel very liberated because I've always seen myself as Latvian, but I could never say it.
GP: I feel Karpathian.
SP: Yeah! My - you're rockin' old school.
NP: Ten seconds, Julian - How I would Describe My Personality, starting now.
JC: Masculine, hirsute, heterosexual, Russian-
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Well, if I can't call myself coquettish...
NP: All right. If you can't call yourself coquettish, he can't call himself those things he just said-
JC: What, masculine?
NP: What's that?
JC: [rough bass voice] I beg your pardon?
NP: Ah, no. I gave you the benefit of the doubt before. Paul has it on this occasion. Six seconds, Paul. How I would Describe My Personality, starting now.
PM: Rugged. Cheesy. Bulemic...
JC: That's right.
PM: ...anorexic. What do you mean 'That's right'?
JC: I was just kind of saying, "Go girl!" You know.
PM: "Go girl"? No, it's "Gauguin", not "Go girl."
NP: Sue, you challenged.
SP: Yeah, he sort of broke down into...
PM: I was - I was heckled.
SP: ... barracking.
PM: I was heckled.
NP: He was heckled.
SP: He was heckled. So I'd say hesitation due to-
PM: I was barracked.
NP: Barracked. I know what I'm going to do. Let's give all three of you a point.
SP: Let's dance.
NP: Because Sue, you have a correct challenge.
NP: Because he did do that.
NP: And there's only half a second to go. So Paul, you have a point because you were interrupted. Julian, you have a point because I agree with what you said. So all three of you have got a point.
PM: Hang on - Julian's got a point for heckling?
NP: No, for - because he was saying the same thing as you-
NP: Which was quite ridiculous-
SP: This has got intense.
NP: OK. Right.
JC: We've been told off now-
SP: So I've got half a second though-
NP: No you haven't. It's gone. You've just got a bonus point. Um, we move onto the next subject. Julian, it's your turn to begin. The subject is Street Parties, starting now.
NP: Sue challenged.
NP: Yes indeed. And you have - ah oh - fifty-eight seconds. Street Parties, Sue, starting now.
SP: I have a fear of street parties. This comes from the Queen's silver jubilee where I was forced to wear a red, white and blue jumpsuit - thanks to my mother - and sit at a trestle table with people laughing at me. There I was with NHS spectacles looking like something a reject out of the fascist party while people just moved Victoria sponges in and out of my line of sight. I don't like enforced merriment. There's something about people being made to get together and have fun that I find a little-
NP: Umm, Julian challenged.
JC: Repetition of 'people.'
NP: Yes, there were too many people there-
SP: It was a busy event...
NP: So Julian, well listened...
SP: ... It was the Queen's silver jubilee.
NP: ...Thirty-two seconds are still available. Street Parties, starting now.
JC: My sister Frankie makes bunting and I don't know if you're having a street party near where you live but you could give me the order and they come in all different colours. Very reasonably priced. You could hang them between the houses if you live in a sort of terraced arrangement or from the lamp posts-
NP: Um - Sue challenged.
SP: Repetition of 'sort of '...
NP: Oh yes.
SP: ... two 'sort of's.
NP: Sort of. Sort of. Nineteen seconds, Sue. Street parties, starting now.
SP: I expect the London Olympics will be greeted by a flurry of street parties, and there people can have the festival food that...
NP: Julian challenged.
SP: Repetition of 'people' again.
NP: Again the people, yes.
SP: Ohhh, yes.
NP: Anyway, I don't think street parties were going for [??] the Olympics. They were for the Jubilee-
SP: I'm going to do a massive one. And I'm going to have cocktail sausages on javelins.
NP: Julian, twelve seconds on Street Parties, starting now.
JC: I make a lovely jelly with fruit in it and my toad in the hole is the talk of the neighbourhood. Mouths will be watering-
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: He's talking about the general recipes that he conjures up, but nothing to do with street parties-
JC: This is food that I'll be serving at the street party.
PM: Oh, you didn't make that clear.
JC: You knew the subject was street parties. What do you think I was talking about?
PM: Well, I have no idea. But I'm just - I'm just coquettish.
JC: As well. We won't take a vote on that.
NP: I tell you what. Because of your coquettish joke there, we'll give you a bonus point. But Julian, you were interrupted, incorrect challenge, and there are six seconds on Street Parties, starting now.
JC: The only aspect of street parties that I'm not keen on is the plastic cutlery although even then I will be holding it in the correct fashion.
NP: So Julian was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, is equal in the lead with Sue Perkins, then comes Paul Merton and then Greg Proops. And Greg we're back with you to begin and the subject is Why the Dinosaurs Died Out. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.
GP: The reason the dinosaurs died out is a very simple one. Theory has it that a meteorite hit the earth and that caused all the dinosaurs to perish all at once, but the truth is a little more simple. What happened was just this: the dinosaurs were bored with being around all the time and having Richard Attenborough yell at them. He would say [incoherent] "Hkm rlalaralpba!"
NP: Yes. Julian, you challenged first.
JC: It was very interesting but there was a hesitation.
GP: And completely factual as well!
NP: Thirty-six seconds for you, Julian. on Why the Dinosaurs Died Out. Starting now.
JC: The dinosaurs died out, I believe, because it got a bit chilly for them and they hadn't yet learned about clothing, feathers or fur. If only they'd all huddled together, maybe then there would have been enough heat generated for the dinosaurs to survive to another era. But, alas, one by one they went...
NP: Ooooh. Paul challenged first. Yes - 'one by one'. Fifteen seconds, Paul. with you. Why the Dinosaurs Died Out, starting now.
PM: [David Attenborough impression] The dinosaur was very much a creature of its time. If we look at that era we realise the dinosaur was complete-
NP: Ahh, Sue challenged.
SP: Repetition of 'dinosaur' and it's 'dinosaurs' on the card?
PM: Oh, it is!
NP: Yes it is.
GP: Isn't that why the dinosaurs died out?
NP: It is. It's plural : 'Why the dinosaurs died out.' Well, listened, Sue. Six seconds on Why the Dinosaurs Died Out, starting now.
SP: Greg was right. Indeed a huge meteorite smashed into the earth and, although I'm no scientist, I believe this slightly tilted the gravitational axis of the earth and it-
NP: Well, I've just received a message. We're moving into the final round. Sue Perkins and Julian Clary are equal in the lead. And they are um four points ahead of Paul Merton and more than four points ahead of Greg Proops.
PM: When I had a paper round when I was about twelve years old I'd have to make a very early start during the week and indeed at the Sunday as well because I would get up around about half past six, go to the shop to pick up the papers and I would then distribute-
NP: Yes, Julian?
JC: Oh, I know what you're going to say : 'paper' and 'papers.'
NP: That's right. A paper round, and papers. So, an incorrect challenge.
PM: But thank you for telling me.
NP: And Paul you have another point and you have forty-five seconds. Early starts, starting now.
PM: When I was working as a coquettish escort in Earls Court, I used to get up at half past five in the morning to service the sailors.
NP: Ah, Julian challenged.
PM: Who's buzzed? Who's buzzed?
NP: Julian has.
JC: Oh, I have.
PM: It seems to have come as a surprise to you.
JC: Yes. No. Um. Repetition of um...
NP: Half past
JC: Past. Half past.
NP: He was on half past six before, now it's half past five.
JC: There you are, you see? Too many half pasts.
NP: Forty seconds, Julian. Tell us something about early starts, starting now.
JC: My boyfriend's recently moved in to my luxury home and he's an early starter. He gets up so early, and then he comes back late at night so I am disturbed several times. Well, this is all very well, but I like to rise when I'm good and ready when I hear the dawn chorus. So therefore I'm ageing rapidly and I said, "This isn't going to work out. I'm afraid you'll have to go - go and work as an escort with that coquettish Paul. He's always looking for someone because they're queuing around the block for him." Early rising...
NP: Sue, you've challenged.
SP: Err, I was going to say repetition of 'early' but of course it's on the card so I am an idiot.
NP: Yes. Yes. It does.
JC: [muffled, to PM] What is the subject?--
NP: So Julian, an incorrect challenge...
PM: [muffled, to JC] - Early rising.
NP: ...early starts...
PM: [muffled, to JC] Early starts.
NP: ...is still with you. Eleven seconds, starting now.
JC: Early starts are essential if you're a postman. I once went out with Pop-it-in Pat and he would get up before the sun-
SP: [laughing] "Pop-it-in Pat"?
JC: That was what I called him! He used to work at Lewisham.
PM: That doesn't improve it.
NP: Sue, you challenged.
SP: It was a repetition of 'get up.'
NP: With Pop-it-in Pat, I'm not surprised.
SP: Pop-it-in Pat has got up one too many times.
NP: Sue, you got in with four seconds to go on Early Starts, starting now.
SP: I once worked in a hotel and had to get up half past four in the morning to clean toilets. It was the most depressing work I've ever experienced.
NP: Right. So let me give you the final score. Ah, because Sue Perkins was speaking then the whistle went gained the extra point and Greg Proops who hasn't played the game for - ooh - for about ten years, I think, but whenever he spoke we loved it. And so Greg, you finished in a magnificent fourth place. Paul Merton, who's won many times before, finished only just in second place behind Sue Perkins and Julian Clary who are equal in the lead so we have joint winners this week. We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again the same time next week when once more we take to the air and play this amazing game. It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Julian Clary, Sue Perkins and Greg Proops. I thank Sharon Leonard who's helped me with the score and we - I'm indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game, and we're grateful to our producer Claire Jones. From the audience, from me Nicholas Parsons and the team, goodbye! Tune in the next time we play Just A Minuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!