NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but around the world. But also to welcome to the show four exciting, dynamic, performers who are going to show their talent and skill as they talk and show off their knowledge of words and language. And those four are, seated on my right Paul Merton and Sue Perkins. And seated on my left, Liza Tarbuck and Graham Norton. Will you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them to speak for Just A Minute on some subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And sitting beside me is Sharon Leonard, who is going to help me with the score, and blow the whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. Paul we'd like you to begin the show this week. And the subject we've got here is the biggest fib I've ever told. Tell us something about that in this game, starting now.

PAUL MERTON: I hate doing Just A Minute! That must be the biggest fib I've ever told because I actually adore and love the programme. The biggest fib I can't really remember. Fibs, I suppose, is a polite way of saying bald faced lie...


NP: Sue challenged.

SUE PERKINS: Repetition of fibs, is it just fib on the card?

PM: Oh it might be.

NP: Yes it is, it is the biggest fib I ever told.

GRAHAM NORTON: Oh! Hark at Doctor Perkins!

NP: A sharo incisive mind at work there. So Sue you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, there are 48 seconds available, the biggest fib I ever told starting now.

SP: Yes of course, I've performed a trachiotomy before now, where's that biro? It's so easy to pull off a lie if you do it with confidence. As a result, in my time I guess I've lied quite a lot. Small stuff, nothing massive like hello, I once was the President of the United States. No, I mean to keep it on a miniscule level. Just things that make the day to day grind tick along...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of day.

SP: Correct!

NP: Day to day yes.

SP: Classic!

NP: So we are going to hear from everybody I think in this round. Right Graham, a correct challenge, a point to you, and you've got the subject, the biggest fib I ever told, 28 seconds starting now.

GN: I don't mind being humiliated and losing this game every single time I play it! Would be a lie, though perhaps not the biggest one I've ever told. That, oddly, I don't really want to share with you, because I'm still using it, if you know what I mean. There are people on planet Earth who realise it's a fib, but they haven't spoken out as yet. The biggest fib I ever...


GN: Really? Wow!

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. And it was Graham Norton so naturally he is in the lead at the end of that round.

GN: Yes!

NP: Yes! And Sue's got a point, Liza and Paul have yet to score. And Sue we'd like you to begin the next round. The subject is family photos, tell us something about those in this game starting now.

SP: Family photos exist to remind me that I must never have mu mother cut my hair. I resembled the psychadelic Damian in the 1970s. Pudding basin doesn't quite cover it. The scissors were blunt, an asymetric fringe wasn't as popular back then as it is now. Also my family photos are testament to the efficacy of orthodontics, because I had two front teeth that stuck out at right angles. And thankfully due to a brace, I now have them lie slightly more flat to my skull in a normal fashion. But you can imagine me with my National Health spectacles and my jaunty hair...


NP: Liza challenged.

LIZA TARBUCK: Do you know, it's wicked, but there were actually quite a lot of mys.

NP: There were.

LT: We were coming up to a good count of about five or six.

SP: That's fair enough.

NP: Actually she hesitated as well, didn't she.

LT: She did, she did, but I, I don't mind that. And do you know what else she's done?

SP: A mountain of errors.

LT: Well she's done...

NP: Liza...

SP: It's not looking good for Perkins!

LT: No!

NP: ... you have a correct challenge, you have the subject, family photos, 22 seconds starting now,

LT: Most of my family photos are taken at Christmas time, with Dad either about to carve the turkey and slightly the worse for wear, or my father after...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of father.

NP: No.

GN: Oh was it not?

NP: Dad she said.

GN: Oh I should listen!

NP: So it was an incorrect challenge Liza.

LT: Okay.

NP: You get a point for that of course, you keep the subject, the family photos, 12 seconds starting now.

LT: Big Jim asleep on the couch! Followed by my mother, and also a lovely couple of shots of...


LT: I went to say my!

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: There was sadly a hesitation.

NP: Yes, with all these lovely shots, you were there...

LT: Well I called Sue on my, and I was about to say that at least four times.

SP: I was too busy just enjoying the image of Big Jim on a couch!

NP: Paul you had a correct challenge there so you get a point for that, family photos are with you, four seconds to go only and you start now.

PM: I remember a photograph that was taken of me when I was about five years old. I was...


NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. So they're all equal in the lead now, two, two, two, Lisa, Graham and Paul. And behind is Sue on one point. And Liza we'd like you to begin the next round, taking your driving test, 60... have you taken yours, by the way?

LT: No.

SP: She still drives though, she doesn't let it stop her.

NP: There are 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

LT: When you take your driving test, it's a very good idea to book it during rush hour. Because that way, the inspector will keep you off all the main roads, and let you drive on the quieter streets, thereby adding at least 50 percent chance to you passing the actual...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: How would you know?

NP: I think it was an incorrect challenge so Liza you have another point, you have 44 seconds to continue, taking your driving test starting now.

LT: One other way of making sure that you ah survive...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Slight hesitation.

LT: Yes.

NP: No, there was a definite er there. Taking your driving test, Sue, is with you, 38 seconds starting now.

SP: Blackmail your driving instructor, that's what I did. Get a few photos of him in a park...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Blackmaling your driving instructor won't help you in the driving test. Because that's a different person.

GN: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! (laughs loudly) Paul made a fool of you!

SP: I wish I'd known that at the time!

GN: You must feel so stupid!

SP: I filmed a man dogging for no good reason! I feel a fraud!

PM: I missed the connection there. What happened?

NP: Graham I never heard you laugh so loud in my life.

GN: I was really amused!

NP: So Paul that was a correct challenge, well listened, taking your driving test is with you, 33 seconds starting now.

PM: By the time I took my driving test at the age of 40, I found it reasonably easy to carry out. By that point, I had sort of done various things in my life that had been quite scarey. So the driving examination wasn't up there in the top five. I remember particularly going round the corner, reversing particularly...oh...


NP: Sue you challenged.

SP: Repetition of particularly.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes. Sixteen seconds are still available Sue, taking your driving test starting now.

SP: I have now learned that the best way to pass your driving test is to get incriminating evidence on the inspector carrying out said test. And then you'll be able to use this hazardous material to your advantage. I suggest wearing night vision goggles, stalking him by day...


NP: So Sue Perkins got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And she's now taken the lead, one ahead of all the others. And Paul we are back with you to begin, an offer you shouldn't refuse, that's the subject. Sixty seconds available, start now.

PM: If a man comes up to you in the street and says here is one million pounds in hard cash, all you have to do is just murder a prominent member of British society and the money will be yours. I suggest every one of us would pause for just a moment and think, who is it? If it's Alan Titchmarsh, you'll do it for nothing! But there are some people obviously in the world ... (laughs)


PM: I, I didn't know I was going to say that.

GN: Poor Alan's spat out his Sunday lunch now!

PM: I stand behind every word of it though

NP: Poor Alan! I mean he does so well!

PM: Yeah doesn't he just!

LT: And for a million pounds, there's now a price on his head.

NP: Liza you challenged, what was it.

LT: It was hesitation as...

NP: You have the subject, an offer you shouldn't refuse, 40 seconds starting now.

LT: I was lucky enough to receive an offer of marriage through the post, and I got a picture of said ah offerer...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: A bit of hesitation?

NP: Yeah there was a definite er.

LT: I can't speak without putting that in!

PM: You got an offer of marriage through the post? Was it somebody in Nigeria.

LT: Yeah!

PM: Congratulations, you may already be married?

LT: No no, this... well, maybe I should save it in case I get it back.

PM: Yeah you should yeah.

NP: If not, give it to us afterwards, all right? I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean that...

GN: You mean that I will?

LT: It's all been smoked salmon, yeah.

NP: Who knows what goes on in that green room?

LT: You do!

SP: There's a reason we call him the octopus!

NP: Sue you had a correct challenge.

SP: Did I?

NP: An offer you shouldn't refuse and there are 33 seconds starting now.

SP: I once received an email from a charming prince in Lagos who informed me if I just sent 500 dollars in the post, I could unlock a fortune of billions, so I did. It turns out it was an offer I should have refused.


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: It's all about an offer you shouldn't refuse.

NP: That's true!

PM: Yeah. That's why I said it.

NP: I know.

SP: It was a cautionary tale.

PM: Yes.

GN: Yes.

NP: I was just pausing to see if there was interpretation there that did not coincide with your challenge. And I was wrong and you are right as always. Sixteen seconds for you Paul on an offer you shouldn't refuse starting now.

PM: I was once asked to go on his show, and I said I would love to be interviewed by the erstwhile, extremely fascinating, brilliant gardener, who once had the audacity to say to Peter Cook "your career's been a bit of a waste of time, hasn't it?" And that's one reason why I really didn't take to the man. I'd like to punch him straight in the flower bed...


NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And he's gone into the lead alongside Graham Norton. And Alan Titchmarsh, if you are listening, I can assure you I do not endorse any of the things they said.

SP: If you've been affected by any of the issues in tonight's show...

NP: Sue it's your turn to begin. Talking of Alan Titchmarsh, my famous friends. That is the subject Sue, you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

SP: It's no show business secret that Paul, Graham, Liza and I are very good muckers. And after this particular edition of Just A Minute we'll be hot tubbing the hell out of each other. We;ll be opening bottles of champagne at the taxpayer's expense, lathering up in a series of exotic unguents, furnished...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is that licence payer's expense rather than taxpayers?

LT: Both!

SP: It comes through the same channel, taxpayers...

PM: I suppose yeah yeah.

GN: Or we can claim for the champagne so really...

PM: Yes!

NP: Either way it's deviation, because it will not happen.

SP: But you said it would! You said tonight will be the night! I brought the bikini! Paul's got the unitard!

PM: Yes I've had a Brazilian!

NP: And I've invited Alan Titchmarsh!

PM: You're obsessed with this man!

NP: I just like to see fair play! Paul you challenged.

PM: Yes I can't remember what it was now.

NP: No, nor can I.

LT: It was licence....

SP: Thank you my love yes.

GN: Oh yes taxes and licences.

PM: No I think it was wrong.

NP: Yes you were going off and being devious about...

PM: Yeah yeah.

NP: ... all that champagne that was going to be supplied to us afterwards. I mean an absolute fantasy. Right Sue we give you the benefit of the doubt then, my famous friends is still with you, 41 seconds starting now.

SP: The crunkies are a barrel of laughs. And you can guarantee whatever port you're in, they'll come and find you. They can party into the night, either in kit or out, it depends...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of party.

PM: You seem to be alone on that one.

GN: Is that that shocking?

NP: No you're right.

GN: Is that now a swearword or something?

NP: You're right because she talked about the party afterwards...

GN: Yes! Yes! Yes!

NP: ... at first when she was talking about...

GN: I know that!

NP: Yes yes, but I have to show the listeners that I do know and listen to every word that's said so that I can make a correct decision.

GN: I understand.

NP: So Graham you have a correct challenge, my famous friends is with you, 30 seconds, starting now.

GN: When I ring up and look for home insurance, it is normally astronomical. When I queried said figure...


NP: Liza challenged.

LT: When I, when I.

NP: When I, when I.

GN: Oh! Harsh!

NP: But accurate so...

LT: Yes it was the only thing I've heard all night. I'm quite busy, mentally! Just not here!

NP: Liza another point to you and 23 seconds are still available for my famous friends starting now.

LT: I once rang up a car insurance place, funnily enough, and was worried by the fact that the guy told me my insurance premium would be very high...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Repetition of insurance.

NP: Mmmmm yeah.

LT: No, fair does.

NP: Big word.

PM: Was it Sean Connery?

LT: Actually they were worried that Shirley Bassey would be in my car. That's the example they used.

PM: Yeah.

LT: You could have Shirley Bassey in the car! Do you know what, I said yeah I could. Because I could.

GN: And Shirley's got third party so you're all right!

SP: Get over it!

NP: Sue you had the correct challenge so you've got my famous friends back with you, 14 seconds starting now.

SP: The...


NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Hesitation.

PM: There's no famous friends up here tonight! Not that sort of show!

LT: Do you know, I just fancied that!

NP: Liza I'll tell you what I'll do, because they enjoyed what you did..

LT: It was!

NP: ... I'm going to give you a bonus point for that. But it wasn't actually a correct challenge. Sue you've still got the subject, you've got 12 seconds, my famous friends starting now.

SP: The only time I've been solicited by a famous person was a man from ice warriors, the erstwhile ITV show....


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: That's not a celebrity!

SP: Within the worlds of fighting on ice, he was quite the whoop.

PM: Fighting On Ice? Is that a programme?

SP: Well it was sort of Gladiators On Ice.

PM: Ah.

SP: I think he was called Wolf and he...

PM: Oh yes.

SP: ... he looked like Chewbacca but on skates.

NP: I thought Wolf was one of those ones in the ah, those men together, you know, with all the muscles.

SP: Not the DVD collection now Nicholas. Let's not, let's not open the door too widely on the private collection.

NP: Graham I agree with you anyway, you have the subject, six seconds...

GN: Oh now we've insulted Alan Titchmarsh and Wolf! We've ruined their day!

NP: Right the subject is Wolf, no it isn't, it's my famous friends, six seconds Graham starting now.

GN: Did they think someone was going to break into my house and steal Nick Knowles? That's never going to happen because I...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Famous friends? Nick Knowles?

GN: Nick Knowles!

LT: Nick Knowles!

GN: He's a huge celebrity

LT: Nick Knowles?

GN: Yeah the DIY SOS. I don't know how to pronounce that.

PM: I know it, I know DIY SOS is one of the top shows on at the moment.

GN: Yes.

PM: Do you know who Nick Knowles is?

NP: I know who Nick Knowles is.

PM: Oh do you?

SP: But would you want to steal him from Graham's house?

GN: That's my point! That's my point!

SP: I think we all would!

NP: So no, you've got the benefit of the doubt this time. And you've got half a second left...


LT: Hesitation.

GN: No no no, he never said go or now, whatever he says.

NP: My famous friends starting now.

GN: I think there's an amazing amount of...


NP: So Graham Norton was then speaking or attempting to speak as the whistle went. And he's increased his lead at the end of that round. He's out in the lead there, he's two ahead of Sue Perkins and he's three ahead of Liza Tarbuck and Paul Merton, equal in third place. Liza we are back with you to begin and the subject is fake tan.

LT: Ah.

SP: Secret's out, Liz!

NP: A sort of pause went over the audience when that one...

LT: I've no idea why you find that funny at all.

SP: That mahogany is natural!

NP: A lot of people with their hands up to their faces as well. Right.

LT: I think you've got a cheek!

NP: Sixty seconds Liza on fake tan starting now.

LT: It's the fashion at the moment to wander into a small shop off the high street, stand naked bar perhaps two rags, and ask a total stranger to sun-kiss you, because you cannot be bothered to go to Torremolinos. What is the world coming to? You can have it put on you via aerosol, or of course you can grab some wipes to take them home and rub them all over your body, hoping not to streak or of course to leave a jaffa orange colour on the palm of your hand, thereby alerting everybody that you are an idiot. And really should be very happy with alabaster beautiful skin that maybe is a sign of our times in England that we don't get a summer any more, just merely rain and our kidneys are full and I'm sodden with the weather. I of course have taken the opportunity...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Have we moved on a little bit from fake tan?

LT: I was going back then!

PM: To the English weather.

NP: Well you get a tan in the sun, don't you.

LT: Tanning.

PM: Yes.

NP: It comes, it is associated with the weather.

PM: It is.

NP: I mean, if you didn't have sun, you wouldn't have any weather, would you.

PM: No.

LT: He's right, you know.

PM: The planet would be a bit cold as well, wouldn't it.

NP: Yes so Liza, you have gone for 57 seconds, so it would be very mean if I took it away from you now. You have another point for an incorrect challenge and three seconds available starting now.

LT: Alan Titchmarsh is very fond of his knees. This is an area...


NP: So Liza with points in that round, including one when the whistle went, has moved forward. She's now one behind our leader Graham Norton and the others are trailing only one behind the two of them. Right Graham we are back with you to begin and the subject is, I don't know how you are going to take this, but I think you'll have fun with it, how to annoy the audience. Sixty seconds starting now.

GN: Please welcome Alan Titchmarsh would be one way of annoying an audience. Or perhaps I would remark are the seats in this auditorium tiny, or is this the fattest audience you've ever seen? That too will put a damper on an evening. Or remarking that I asked to dim the house lights, could you turn them off now please, is another way to annoy an audience.


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Repetition of another. There's another, there's another.

NP: Oh yes. You did have another.

GN: I was talking for so long.

NP: Sue you have a correct challenge, 36 seconds are still available, you tell us something about how to annoy the audience starting now.

SP: I think the best way to annoy an audience is to buzz in when somebody is in full flow like I...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Just demonstrating!

NP: Have you got a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

GN: No.

NP: No.

GN: Purely a demonstration.

NP: I don't think your...

GN: I was helping! I was helping!

SP: Yeah you were! You were illustrating my point.

GN: Yeah.

NP: Yeah. I don't think the audience reaction was big enough for me to give you a bonus point.

GN: I didn't think so either. Yeah don't go on about it, let's just move on swiftly.

NP: All right Sue, an incorrect challenge so you have another point and you have 32 seconds, how to annoy, I said originally an audience, but it is actually the audience. So will you stick to how to annoy the audience.

SP: I will stick to that yes.

NP: Starting now.

SP: The best way to annoy the audience is to lie to them, and pretend we don't go hot-tubbing after the show, Nicholas. I think it's time people found out what their licence fee money goes towards paying for. Yes we go nuts in the aerated hot water. There's one on top of this very building and there we stand in the buff, Paul's got a Brazilian and Graham has a full Hollywood. We are not ashamed to expose our leathery skin, in the case of Liza, very tanned. She went to Tenerife, to the elements. And there we are, proudly saying yes, we're so...


NP: Right so Sue was going magnificently till the whistle went, gained that extra point. And now she's gone into the lead, one ahead of Graham Norton, two ahead of Liza Tarbuck and Paul Merton. And we are into the final round, actually. Oh a very erudite subject to finish with, Paul, Pythagoras. This will show up those who listened to the maths classes or not! There are 60 seconds Paul...

PM: Can I just point out I got CSE Grade five maths at this point.

NP: Well you still might know something about the guy.

PM: Yeah.

NP: Pythagoras, 60 seconds, starting now.

PM: Mrs Pythagoras was always annoyed with her husband. He wasn't a practical man, "it's all theory with you", she used to say. You wouldn't put up those book shelves but you'd do me a drawing of it. And Pythagoras himself would turn to his missus and say "you're not the woman I married". And he proved it with an equilateral triangle and A equals B minus X plus two squared. What does all that algebra mean? I don't know! I went to school, they never told me. It takes two men five days to run a bath ...


PM: How many apples in a bunch of bananas.

NP: Liza you challenged.

LT: Twos. Repetition of, there were three twos there.

NP: There were three twos.

PM: Yeah I managed to get off the subject of Pythagoras though, didn't I!

LT: Yeah.

NP: You did very well on Pythagoras, yes.

PM: Yeah.

NP: So Liza how well are you going to do on Pythagoras?

LT: Um let's yeah.

NP: You have 36 seconds.

LT: Let's just hold back and don't be excited. That's all I'm saying.

NP: Thirty-six seconds...

LT: How many?

NP: Thirty-six seconds...

LT: Oh good.

NP: Starting now.

LT: Pythagoras was a very interesting man. And his expertise did not stop at maths. One of the things that he is most famous for in the Greek area is baking. And his flat breads, mixed with a little bit of lamb, and mince, were things of high repute, even...


SP: I have a feeling that Liza has confused Pythagoras with rather hairy bikers. I mean philosopher...

LT: Yes.

SP: Mathematician.

LT: Yes.

SP: Leader of a cult.

LT: Yes, flat bread maker.

SP: Prove it! Oh he didn't have to prove it, it was unleavened. Bake! I'm taking the rest of the night off.

NP: Well maybe in his spare time he was a bit of a hairy biker, we don't know, do we.

PM: Yeah exactly.

LT: If they'd had bikes! They didn't have hair either!

SP: Yeah, but he could have been hairy.

LT: Yeah.

SP: We'll never know.

NP: So I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

LT: It's a dilemna.

NP: As you're all almost equal, I'm going to give Liza the benefit of the doubt.

LT: Four points!

NP: And say you continue for 17 seconds on Pythagoras starting now.

LT: Who, me?

NP: Yes.


NP: They're all challenging at the same time.

LT: When you said you, I thought you meant Sue.

NP: Oh?

GN: If you'd been listening...

SP: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, there was a hesitation then.

GN: Yeah, huge.

SP: La la la la la la la la la.

NP: I'll tell you what happened then. Everybody challenged except ah Graham.

GN: No I challenged. I challenged several times.

SP: We're now, we're now a vortex.

NP: Everybody's light came on and I kept doing this and switching them all off and the other light... there you are Graham...

LT: I'm challenged!

SP: Who have you given it to Nicholas?

NP: I don't know.

LT: Who wants this?

SP: Anyone from the audience fancy a pop?

PM: Let's give it to Alan Titchmarsh and see what happens.

NP: There are 16 seconds left and everybody challenged for the same thing.

PM: Shall we all talk for 16 seconds simultaneously?

SP: Yeah!

NP: Let's see what happens... oh yes...

GN: If I was driving, if I was driving my car, I would find that really annoying.

NP: I will give you his theorem, the square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides.

LT: Oh my eyes!

NP: Which is his famous one. So will you please talk on that all together starting now.



NP: Pythagoras would have loved it! So I will now give you the final score, because nobody scored any points when the whistle went, except they all scored points because they were all talking. Paul for once finished in fourth place, just a point or two....


NP: Ohhh!

SP: (laughs) Come back Paul!

NP: But he was only two points behind or three points behind Graham Norton who was in second place and Graham was only one point behind our two ladies, who were equal together in the lead so they are our joint winners, Liza Tarbuck and Sue Perkins!

LT: I'm humbled!

NP: We do hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will wnat to tune in again at the same time next week when we play this game. It only remains for me to say thank you to these four intrepid players of the game, Paul Merton, Sue Perkins, Liza Tarbuck, and Graham Norton. We thank Sharon Leonard, who has helped me with the score, and blown her whistle beautifully. We are indebted to our producer Claire Jones. We are deeply indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are grateful to this lovely audience here in the Radio Theatre in Broadcasting House who have cheered us on our way magnificently. From the audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and the team, good-bye, and tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute! Yeah!