JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,TTrinder
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and TOMMY TRINDER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 March 1978)

NOTE: Tommy Trinder's first appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Our second programme in this volume is from 1978, and we have three of the original regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And as a special guest the veteran and popular comedian, Tommy Trinder. He had never played the game before, and made out he was very confused by what was going on. He had a reputation for being a great ad libber, and soon proved it in this show, interjecting quite early on and being very amusing. In fact his interjections throughout the show were very spontaneous and contributed considerably to the overall comedy. Kenneth Williams was in great form in this programme, and when Kenneth is going well, there is no holding him. He began playing outrageously to the audience which they love. He then responds to their reaction and becomes almost manic which he does brillantly. And probably these are the moments which the fans of the show remember best. I think though, he would rather be remembered for those occasions on which he was able to show off his erudition and the knowledge that he acquired through extensive reading. In fact Ian Messiter would often think of a special subject about which he had been told Kenneth was well informed, so he could do exactly this. In many respects this was not always fair on the other players, especially if it was a rather obscure figure from history or the world of the arts. This was fine if Kenneth went for a time on his subject, as happened in this show. But if he lost it very rapidly through a little hesitation, he was so upset he could withdraw into himself. And the person who had the successful challenge was not always very happy as they might know next to nothing about the unusual subject. Clement Freud's contribution was not as strong as usual in this programme. Peter Jones did very well and nearly won. But Kenneth with his exuberance throughout meant he really was in great form. He never bothered if he won, he was more interested in competing and playing for laughs. And when to his surprise it turned out in this show he was doing very well, his extrovert playing to the audience brought one of the biggest rounds of applause he had ever had. At the close of the show I asked for a special round of applause for Tommy Trinder, as his ad libbing had been very funny. Some listeners wonder why successful first time guests are not asked back more frequently. The main answer is that the producer, whovere it is at the time, has be loyal to those who are established as regular players. Also the others may not be free when a recording has been scheduled. I hope you enjoy this delightful and at times unusual edition of Just A Minute.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Tommy Trinder in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four panellists if they can speak on the subject I will give them for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repeating themselves, and without deviating from the subject on the card. And of course according to how well they do that they will gain the points as they try to bend the rules and I try to interpret them. And we'll begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is being scared. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This means a situation which is really outside of your control and naturally you're full of fear. I was given a machine gun and a rifle by the Army and I had to fire these terrible weapons. And I was full of the most terrible panic! Even as I took these weapons into my hands...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of weapons.

KW: No I said weapon before and weapons this time. Plural, plural you see.

NP: I think you said plural both times actually Kenneth. I think you said weapons.

KW: Well I mean, I certainly...

PETER JONES: His memory's gone! You can't remember it!

KW: ... wouldn't argue with you! I mean after all you are the chairman! I wouldn't dream of arguing with you!

NP: I think Clement Freud has a correct challenge, so he gets a point for that. He takes over the subject of being scared and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

CF: Being scared is something which happens to other people, which I haven't myself come across. But I believe you turn into spots or with goose pimples or red, green, white, yellow, even blue. It's an extraordinary phenomenon beloved by... writers...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well hesitation I thought.

NP: I think so...

CF: I stopped, I thought somebody would buzz.

NP: He was getting very scared actually! For the first time in his life! There are 20 seconds left Kenneth. You have the subject back with a point for a correct challenge and you start now.

KW: I jumped once off a great height! I mean well it was a height, off, it wasn't..

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of height.

NP: Yes you gone off that height twice I'm afraid.

CF: You can't actually jump off a height!

KW: No I knew that! I was going to put it right, you great nit! I was going to put it right, if you gave me a chance! (gives CF a kiss)

NP: Oh the affection's coming out early this week! There are 16 seconds left, Peter Jones, and you have the subject of being scared starting now.

PJ: Well being scared is one of the most delightful experiences of childhood. When it's in a controlled situation in a darkened cinema, when you're holding on to an orange or a box of chocolates, and these figures on the screen are making these terrifying...

WHISTLE

NP: Right! Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, he tells us that 60 seconds are up and whomever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was on this occasion Peter Jones and at the end of the round, he has a lead of one over Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And Clement will you begin the next round. The subject, passports. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

CF: The passport is a piece of international identification which is called for at points of entry inro countries, and is...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: You know it's not going to be my day today! I have a sort of...

NP: No! You'll probably find your way into it, you sometimes are a slow starter Clement.

CF: Yes! Mmmm!

NP: With a fantastic finish! Peter Jones you have the subject of passports and there are 49 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I'm rather disappointed that they don't seem any longer to check them very carefully. They don't stamp the dates of entry so you have no record of where you've been, if you're drunk or incapable or anything of that kind. There's no means of knowing where you last went. (starts to giggle) I didn't want to talk about passports at all! But er here I am...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid that was right! He not only... it was more than hesitation, he completely dried up! Clement you have the subject back which you didn't want of passports and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

CF: On a British passport which is blue there is on the inside left hand...

BUZZ

NP: Tommy Trinder challenged.

TOMMY TRINDER: He's mentioned passports! I might as well get in, I've just learnt the rules!

NP: Yes! It is difficult Tommy yeah!

TT: Yeah! But a passport, if you are a British subject coming into the country...

NP: Yes?

TT: ... you don't need a passport providing you have a form of identification. But he wouldn't know that because he's carried in and carried out!

NP: Well Tommy as you're entirely fresh to the game, this is your first time, can you now tell me what your challenge was?

TT: No! I just felt I'd been here long enough without talking! And seeing as I get the same money as the others I might as well join in!

NP: Well I think that's a very right attitude! It's how they feel as well sometimes too!

TT: Yeah!

NP: But that's a wrong challenge, and Clement Freud keeps the subject and there are 27 seconds left on passports starting now.

CF: On the inside page there's a message from the Foreign Secretary which asks people to admit you into a country without let or hindrance. I have never actually discovered what either one of these things is, or are, because...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes he did. He is very hesitant about his passports. So there are eight seconds left Kenneth, you have another point, the subject is passports, and you start now.

KW: A let is the old King James word for stop...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He's not supposed to be defining the words on the passport, he's supposed to be talking about the passport itself!

NP: Well give him a chance! He only went for two seconds!

PJ: He had a chance! And he's failed!

NP: I don't... I don't think he did fail! I think he was leading to it...

PJ: Well he's talking about let and hindrance because Clement Freud is so ignorant that he doesn't know the meaning of these words!

NP: Let and hindrance appears on the passport, so...

TT: You don't get on very well between yourselves, do you?

NP: You don't know the half of it yet Tommy! You wait till...

TT: I don't know any of it!

NP: Kenneth you have the subject still, there are five seconds left, passports starting now.

KW: The immigration officer said to me "have you anything we should know?" and I said...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and with other points in the round he is now in the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And Tommy Trinder who has contributed quite a lot has yet to score.

TT: I've got a football team with the same habit!

CF: They don't contribute a lot!

NP: Peter Jones would you begin the next round. The subject is a good fiddle. Would you talk on that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I'm a tremendous fan of Radio Three. And there's nothing I enjoy more than hearing a maestro like Yehudi Menuhin or Perlman or Isaac Stern dragging the horse's tail over the cat's guts of a good fiddle, and playing some delightful air, er, for instance...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think so Kenneth, another point to you, increasing your lead, 37 seconds left, a good fiddle, starting now.

KW: Many a good tune is played on an old fiddle. I expect you've all heard that. Indeed it's listed in the Brewer's Famous Book of Phrases. And I once had occasion to meet a fiddler who had a very old instrument. It was so old he said he had...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

KW: ... to have it all held together. What's happening?

NP: Your friend beside you challenged.

KW: Yes? What's he challenging about?

CF: I try to keep it a family show! But you did, you did repeat old.

NP: He did repeat old, I'm afraid. There are 17 seconds left Clement, a good fiddle, starting now.

CF: Stradiverius is possibly the manufacturer of the greatest fiddle. But as the subject is simply a good fiddle, I heard the other day of a woman who produced violins in 100 hours and actually taught young people in Ipswich to do...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud on that occasion was speaking as the whistle went and he's got an extra point. He's now in the lead with Kenneth Williams at the end of the round. And Tommy Trinder, your turn to begin.

TT: I thought I'd been forgotten for a minute!

NP: We could never...

TT: What's the subject sir?

NP: We could never forget you Tommy! Don't worry!

TT: That's all right!

NP: The subject very apt for you, music hall.

TT: Ah oh well...

NP: You can start now.

TT: Right! Music hall's an old British institution. Was the backroom of a public house originally. Ah, I could go on for a minute just giving you music hall artists' names. I could start alphabetically by Arthur Askey, Billy Bennett, Charlie Chester, carry on like that, but I won't. I'd like to tell you that nowadays the places we're talking about have gone. They've all become bingo halls, they play bingo everywhere. Where I live there's a Catholic church hall...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he did repeat bingo and he did say er several times earlier which I ignored...

TT: It's a carve-up!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Yes! That's the way they play it, but it was true, you did repeat bingo. I'm sorry Tommy but you kept going for 22, for 27 seconds, which is jolly...

TT: I know but I hadn't got started!

NP: Thirty-three seconds left for music hall, Peter Jones, with you starting now.

PJ: Yes. In my youth I had the extreme pleasure of watching Billy Merson and Wilkie Bard and people like that and even Harry Tait at the Hoban Empire. Later I saw Tommy Trinder and he does seem to epitomise for me the very spirit of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He was earlier.

NP: Who was earlier?

TT: I pressed the button and he talks! What is this? In this game you've got two chances! A dog's chance and no chance at all! And the dog's chance got in then!

NP: He pressed a fraction of a second early. What was the challenge?

CF: He must have seen Tommy Trinder before seeing those other people.

NP: Yes yes that's right yes. Everybody must have seen Tommy Trinder before everybody else in music hall. But I think it's fallen a little flat.

CF: Didn't go very well!

NP: No no...

TT: I started as a contestant and finished up as a memorial card!

PJ: You're absolutely right!

NP: Peter Jones, I disagree with Clement's challenge, you keep the subject and there are 18 seconds left, music hall, starting now.

PJ: And it was at the palladium of course, that he was enshrined for so many years (starts to giggle)...

BUZZ

NP: Tommy you pressed, buzzed, yes?

TT: Yes. He said I was enshrined, I was embalmed!

NP: Well according to Clement Freud yes. A very good challenge Tommy!

TT: I should jolly well think so! Now these places we’re talking about...

NP: So the embalmed Tommy Trinder will now talk for 10 seconds on music hall starting now.

TT: Right! Well they are now bingo halls and where I live there's a Catholic church hall, every Wednesday morning, bingo...

BUZZ

TT: The priest shouts the numbers. He shouts them in Latin so's the Protestants can't win!

NP: Clement Freud challenged before you got your gag out! Sorry what was it Clement?

CF: I challenged after the third bingo but I'm perfectly happy to include the fourth!

TT: Mr Chairman, can't you declare a guillotine?

NP: I can but it's very difficult to guillotine embalmed people!

TT: And at least I'm new! That's more than you can say for the other three on the panel!

NP: New or nude?

TT: Nude!

NP: Three seconds left Clement for you on the music hall starting now.

CF: I was an Edgeware Road Empire man myself...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

TT: No! Wrong!

NP: Tommy challenged...

PJ: Rubbish!

TT: Oh I know!

NP: All right! All right!

TT: There was never an Empire in the Edgeware Road...

NP: I know...

TT: He must have meant the Metropolitan!

NP: That's right Tommy! Shut up!

TT: Scrub all his points now! The manager's name was Matthews!

NP: That's right. You got in with half a second to go on music hall, and you have a point for that, half a second to talk on the subject of music hall starting now.

WHISTLE

TT: You don't get time to breathe!

NP: You thought you worked quickly on the music halls but you haven't done anything till you've been in Just A Minute.

TT: No! I know!

NP: Tommy you got a lot of rounds in that round, including one...

CF: Rounds?

NP: ... for speaking as the whistle went. And you're still in fourth place. But you are only two behind Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams and one ahead of them is our leader Clement Freud. Kenneth back with you to begin, the subject Aimee Semple MacPherson. Would you tell us something about her in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Beautifully laden with these long flowing draperies, she would appear angelically for her preaching. But then extraordinarily disappear! And she always had this iteration: "Show me my estate", which consisted largely of an old colonial bungalow with a verandah, a rope from which a chair or apparatus was sitting. Because it wasn't like any ordinary thing of that kind, was later disposed of, you see...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Oh I think so, yes Peter. You have the subject now of Aimee Semple MacPherson and there are 28 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well she founded the Temple in Los Angeles, and she extraordinarily enough disappeared, just as Kenneth said, only to reappear...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: He said disappear just as Kenneth said. Therefore it is repeating and we're not allowed to in this game.

NP: You can't repeat the words, except the words on the card, so he didn't repeat...

PJ: He knows the rules quite well, he's just trying to spoil my account of Aimee Semple MacPherson! That's what he's doing! It's quite clear!

NP: I don't think he's trying to spoil it! I think he's trying to get points and get the subject. But I'm afraid it wasn't a correct challenge Kenneth. So there are 19 seconds left with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Rather like Agatha Christie, and then she reappeared and completed her term as the Minister of the, this extraordinary let...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Extraodinary twice.

NP: Yes there was an extraordinary...

PJ: Oh there was yes yes!

NP: Yes so there are 10 seconds left Kenneth for Aimee Semple MacPherson starting now.

KW: She was always crying out: "Show me that stream called the river Jordan!" And they showed it to her and chucked her in!

BUZZ

KW: And there was the most appalling scene because she said though she wanted baptism, she didn't want that much of a baptism!

NP: Clement challenged you.

KW: What is it?

CF: Repetition of showed!

TT: Here! Our bells are linked up! I press and he gets the answers!

NP: No actually he said show and then showed. So it was an incorrect challenge...

KW: Thank you very much Nicholas! Very good chairman! Lovely fellow!

NP: I just have to listen very very hard because I know that... Tommy just to prove that your buzzer is working will you press it?

BUZZ

NP: Yes!

KW: Keep it in your hand! He drops it half the time! Doesn't he?

NP: Kenneth calm down because you've still got the subject, you've got an extra point and there are three seconds left on Aimee Semple MacPherson starting now.

KW: They shoved her in this enormous casket when they buried her and put a phone in with her!

WHISTLE

KW: Now I won that one! I must have won that one! Mustn't I? Oh yes! That means I'm in the lead! Doesn't it, go on, yes!

NP: Yes! You're in the lead...

KW: I am in the lead! Yaaaaaaaaaah!

TT: Would you like the trophy?

NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is beauty. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But on this particular show which has always been pretty short on beauty I do notice that tonight there is not a single member of the female species which you must admit is the best other sex there is from us...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation! It's obvious to everyone that I am one of the most beautiful things that ever graced the stage! I've been referred to as a bleached and boisterous Bloomsbury blonde, and this hair's been compared with spun gold! I mean...

PJ: Unfavourably!

NP: I can think the only person who's ever said that was Kenneth Williams!

KW: Precisely!

NP: So I don't think it's a good challenge! So Clement Freud keeps the subject and there are 43 seconds left on beauty starting now.

CF: I would like to state that my hair has also been compared with spun gold! But it is perhaps important to state that I have not lost...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two states.

NP: Yes you were in quite a state there Kenneth, Clement, and you stated it twice. And there are 33 seconds now for Kenneth on beauty starting now.

KW: We associate it with patrician features and elegant noses, often retrosay. And the incarnation, so to speak, of renaissance man as...

BUZZ

NP: Tommy Trinder has challenged.

TT: I challenge him for speaking in Latin. We all want to understand it!

NP: It's a very good challenge Tommy. But actually their words have now been adopted into the English language. I don't think he was deviating from the subject.

CF: They were never very strong in the Latin language either!

NP: Yeah well he wasn't deviating from the subject of beauty Tommy, so 19 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: We have the example of Pracsitalees or the Mona Lisa hanging in the Louvre. People go and say "oooh, ain't she lovely though! Look at that smile! It's almost indefinable, innit, the way she's smiling! And those eyes..."

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I thought he was saying smile...

NP: No he said...

KW: You thought, did you! Well you thought wrong didn't you! Yes you great nit! What a nerve! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street to be treated like that...

NP: Kenneth... Kenneth, incorrect challenge because it was smile and smiling for you and four seconds left beauty starting now.

KW: One things of the charioteer, Adelphi, this young face...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth got a lot of points...

KW: Thank goodness for that!

NP: ... including one for speaking when the whistle went and you might be surprised to hear that he has more than double the number of points of Clement Freud and Peter Jones who are equal in second place.

KW: Oh! What a turn-up for the books! I always lose, I mean it's known...

TT: My friends will never believe me when I tell them I was in The Kenneth Williams Show!

NP: Peter Jones your turn to begin. The subject is my pleasure. And there are 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: My pleasure is to sit in the huge library of my country estate, and look across the lawns which were beautifully landscaped by Capability Brown...

BUZZ

NP: Tommy Trinder challenged.

TT: That is no way to describe the Wandsworth Road!

NP: Tommy we will give you a point for a perfunctory and a brilliant challenge, but he wasn't incorrect in what he was saying. He wasn't deviating fron the subject. So he keeps the subject and there are 47 seconds left, but you have a point, the subject is my pleasure Peter starting now.

PJ: And then at about half past 11 the butler will come in and I shall say "Jarvis, I want to order lunch for Miss Racquel Welch and myself and he'll then suggest a few items that we might enjoy. Like er grouse or...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: There was an er came in there...

NP: No, no, no, I don't think so, he was just speaking...

KW: Oh I misheard did I! Oh I see! Thank you very much Nicholas! I didn't realise...

NP: No he just wasn't hesitating enough for it to be scored against him in this game.

KW: But he was hesitating, but not enough! I see...

PJ: You'd have hesitated...

NP: Because you do have to take breath and not everybody, if you ran all your words...

KW: I don't see why he should have to take any breath! Hahhahahahaha! Ahahahahahhaahahah!

TT: Who thought of this game? You?

NP: No, Ian Messiter, sitting beside me...

TT: Well you're making the rules up! I don't know!

NP: There are 30 seconds left...

CF: My friends will never believe me when I say I was in The Tommy Trinder Show!

TT: Everybody is entitled to a social uplift!

NP: Right! Let's now make it The Peter Jones Show and he will give us that uplift that he's already doing with his subject of my pleasure starting now.

PJ: So I enquire if the champagne is on ice and he sayes yes. So I say mix it with a little freshly squeezed orange juice, and let's have a glass of that to start with. And then my son who's been playing polo in the adjoining field strides in and sees what I am about to er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he might well have erred after the champagne! Thirteen seconds for my pleasure with you Clement starting now.

CF: I can think of nothing more pleasurable than sitting in a theatre near Piccadilly Circus with a handsome audience, all looking at Tommy Trinder, wondering for how long he's had his hat, and...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. He's still in second place equal with Peter Jones, just behind Kenneth Williams. And for those who haven't got visual radio yet I must explain if it's not already clear that Tommy Trinder does wear his hat on radio. Tommy...

TT: I wear it in bed!

NP: Yes that's quite normal but to wear it on radio! Kenneth will you begin the next round. The subject is pudding starting now.

KW: Most people don't realise that the great puddings of the north country are in fact leaving the makers coloured red. And the man whose job it is to sell them told me when I was in that part of the world, that they had to be given a special gloss! "I'm a pudding polisher," he told me. And he said that only when this kind of finish was given to the article, would people buy it at all...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said finish twice.

NP: Yes finish, I'm afraid you did...

KW: Well I was referring to the Finnish people coming here from Finland you see!

NP: Oh shut up! Really! They'll wriggle anyway to try and prove their point won't they! There are 30 seconds for pudding with you Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: I think Christmas pudding's one of the nicest! Then there's Queen er of Pudding...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Hesitation. There was two ofs.

NP: There was definitely an er there yes. There are 26 seconds on pudding with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The Queen's Royal Sponge is a favourite of mine and it's done by, you add the actual preservative inside. The whole steaming process goes on so all the flavour's going right through the suet and stuff..

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud's challenged.

KW: I mean I've only got to see it and my mouth's watering! What?

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of going.

NP: Yes you were going a bit too much there. There are 13 seconds for you Clement on pudding.... And for those who can't see Kenneth Williams sitting beside Clement is trying to nobble him as he gets going on pudding...

CF: What do you mean for those who can't see?


NP: ... starting now.

CF: I think perhaps my favourite pudding is bread and butter of that ilk, which you make by using bread and butter of that ilk...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: ... and I hope I get two points for repeating both bread and butter...

NP: And another one for ilk I suppose!

CF: I wasn't going to use ilk. But milk...

NP: Oh! Peter you have one point and four seconds left to talk on pudding starting now.

PJ: It's better to use the rather nasty kind of white bread for puddings I discovered...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I've just been given a signal to tell me we have no more time to play Just A Minute, so I will give you the final score. Tommy Trinder coming from nowhere contributed greatly to the programme, don't you agree! He finished in third place alongside our stalwart Clement Freud, one point behind Peter Jones, but they were a few points behind this week's winner, none other than Kenneth Williams! Well I do hope that you've enjoyed listening to Just A Minute and will want to tune in again. Till then from all of us here goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC