NOTE: A special edition recorded in Mumbai in India to mark the programme's 45th anniversary. Cyrus Broacha's final appearance, Anuvab Pal's final appearance, Tilusha Ghelani's final appearance blowing the whistle.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in Britain, but around the world. But also to welcome to our audience here because it's another exceptional recording. We have once again returned to India. In fact we never left the country, we are doing a second call here. And we have a wonderful Mumbai audience here ready and eager for us to start, full of expectancy and fun. And we have the same four players we had before and they are, from Britain, Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke, and from India, Anuvab Pal and Cyrus Broacha. They're both comedians, they're both entertainers, they're both presenters will you please welcome all four of them! And once again I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And this particular recording is coming from the Comedy Store in the centre of Mumbai. And Marcus Brigstocke we'd like you to begin the next show. Oh a lovely subject to begin with and what a difficult one to cope with, Mumbai traffic. Marcus you tell us something about Mumbai traffic in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE: As you wander softly through the boulevards of old Mumbai, you may be fortunate enough to catch sight of a motor vehicle as it breezes past you exploring the old streets with the driver perhaps staring listlessly out of the window, wondering if he'll be lucky enough to see another motorist...


NP: And Anuvab you've challenged.

ANUVAB PAL: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AP: From reality.


NP: Listeners I can tell you that round of applause endorses his challenge because it is deviation from reality. If you try to walk the streets of Mumbai, you take your life in your hands, I can tell you!

MB: I found a very quiet bit this afternoon. It was quite delightful.

AP: I think he was walking inside his hotel.

NP: Anuvab I agree with your challenge, well done and you have a correct challenge. Therefore you get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, 42 seconds are still available, Mumbai traffic starting now.

AP: It's the...


PAUL MERTON: Ah the lights went to red! Hesitation.

NP: You didn't actually start.

AP: It's Mumbai traffic, I had to hesitate.

NP: No they don't hesitate, they go (makes siren noise). And I've worked something out actually. All that tooting they do, is not an aggressive one to say get out of my way, it's to say we're beside you, just move over just here. It's a different skill of driving that you evolve and develop and it's most amazing...

CYRUS BROACHA: And you don't even need a licence!

NP: Anyway beside the point, Paul, we have to give that to you, correct challenge for hesitation. And there are 40 seconds still available, Mumbai traffic starting now

PM: I have some experience of Mumbai traffic. I was in a taxi and the driver went through a gap that wasn't there. But by the time we arrived at the gap that wasn't there, there was a gap...


NP: Marcus Brigstocke.

MB: Repetition of the gap that wasn't there.

PM: I know, I liked the way it was sounding so I didn't stop. I could see myself saying it but I thought I don't care.

NP: Paul, bad luck, Marcus correct challenge, 32 seconds still available, Mumbai traffic starting now.

MB: Beep! Honk! Toot! Blast! Trill! Trill! All the other sounds...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Trill? Isn't that a popular bird seed for budgies back home?

MB: Yes I got in one of those fancy taxis that have the elaborate horn.

NP: It was still repetition of trill so Paul a correct challenge and you have 28 seconds, Mumbai traffic starting now.

PM: Beep beeps, these are noises that you hear in the streets of Mumbai. As the various motor vehicles that have been licensed by the local authorities head towards...


NP: Cyrus you challenged.

CB: French stumble. Aswah!

NP: You have the subject Cyrus and it's Mumbai traffic and you have 18 seconds starting now.

CB: Mumbai traffic is divided into different things. Scooters, motorcycles, Hyundai cars, Honda, we have also got maruti, we have also got...


NP: Marcus.

MB: Repetition of we have also got.

CB: I gave you the point.

NP: This is our second visit to Mumbai Comedy Store and I think the audience is getting on to the wavelength of the show. Because nearly every one of us spotted that repetition there.

AP: They're all seeing it better than us.

NP: Eight seconds are available for you Marcus on Mumbai traffic starting now.

MB: I've devised the most ingenious way of crossing the road. You simply head for the densest part of the traffic and climb across the top of the vehicles in the hope...


NP: Right so whoever is speaking in this game when the whistle goes gains an extra point. And it was Marcus Brigstocke so naturally he is in the lead at the end of that round. Anuvab I'd like you to begin the next round.

AP: Right.

NP: And the subject we've got here, ah it's about that wonderful game which we brought to India and the Indians are now teaching everybody else, it's just not cricket. Would you tell us something about that phrase in this game starting now.

AP: When India plays outside the country, it's just not cricket.


NP: Cyrus you challenged.

CB: Fifteen second hesitation.

NP: I know, that's the sad thing about this game, he gets a big laugh but you've got to keep going.

CB: Right. I'll let him go on on that one.

NP: Anuvab you've got 53 seconds on it's just not cricket starting now.

AP: I had a punchline, now I have no idea what I'm going to say.


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Have you got your punchline yet?

AP: I already hesitated on it.

NP: Forty-nine seconds for you Paul on it's just not cricket starting now.

PM: The game of lawn tennis is just not cricket. There are other sports that aren't cricket as well. They involve rugby, basketball, swimming, synchronised variety of that particular activity, hop, skip and jump, that doesn't involve cricket. There's lots of things that aren't cricket. If we look round at this audience now I can see several people that aren't cricket. There's a man over there, oh he's a fifth test, I can see him over there...


NP: Anuvab you've challenged.

AP: Hesitation on the kind of man.

NP: You have a correct challenge Anuvab, you have 20 seconds, the subject is still it's just not cricket and start now.

AP: However...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well it was a bit of a hesitation.

NP: There was a big hesitation. Anuvab I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and allow you to continue because you've only played it once before. So you carry on, I will give you the subject, take a breath, ands begin on now. Ready?

AP: Nicholas?

PM: Between two extremes there's a happy medium!

NP: Twenty-six seconds, it's just not cricket starting now.

AP: It's impossible...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, he didn't hesitate.

AP: Very good!

NP: No, what I do on these occasions, I give Paul a bonus point because we enjoyed his interruption. But Anuvab you get a point because you were interrupted.

AP: Thank you.

NP: You keep the subject, 24 seconds, it's just not cricket starting now.

AP: We've lost 15 games in a row, it's impossible not to hesitate!


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: He pointed out that it's impossible not to hesitate and then hesitated.

NP: Marcus a correct challenge, there are 20 seconds, it's just not cricket starting now.

MB: The phrase, it's just not cricket is used by lots of plummy British people to describe things that they don't like. They'll say it's juts not cricket, and what they mean by that is they have found the entire thing to be against the rules and not running with the flow of things. Because cricket of course has rules and structures that...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Sadly, repetition of rules.

NP: Of rules yes.

MB: Yes.

NP: So you've got the subject back Paul and you have two seconds to go, oh! It's just not cricket Paul, starting now.

PM: It's just not cricket, said WG Grace as he stood outside...


NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. At the end of that round Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke are equal in the lead, followed by Anuvab Pal and then Cyrus Broacha. And Cyrus it's back with you to begin, you can take a horse to water, that is the subject. And there are 60 seconds starting now.

CB: You can take a horse to the water but unfortunately we have a bit of a water shortage at the moment. We also have horses which are disease-bound and are dying left, right and centre. Today as we speak 365 horses died of thirst...


NP: Anuvab's challenged.

AP: Deviation, I think he's solving a municipal problem here.

CB: Which includes water and horses.

NP: So an incorrect challenge, you have another point Cyrus and you have 49 seconds, you can take a horse to water starting now.

CB: Of course the problem is far worse in Arabia where water is very scarce and horses are sometimes eaten as part of the cultural...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of horses.

NP: Yes.

CB: Horses is...

PM: No horse.

NP: Horse, singular.

PM: It's horse.

NP: Paul has played the game...

CB: You see in Punjab we say horses for horse.

NP: So Paul you have 42 seconds, and you take over the subject of you can take a horse to the water starting now.

PM: You can take a horse to the water but you cannot make it drink. What does this saying mean? It means that you can put a child in front of...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: It's actually, I've realised, an incorrect challenge. I was going to say repetition of mean but he said mean and then means.

PM: Yes.

NP: Right, well done.

MB: So I'm sorry.

NP: He's played the game a lot, he's up to these little tricks.


MB: Don't clap, I screwed it up!

NP: Thirty-five seconds are still available Paul, you can take a horse to water starting now.

PM: I believe it was Dorothy Parker that was asked to come up with a variation of this and she came up with you can take a whore to culture but you cannot make her think. This was said around the Algonquin table in New York in the 1920s where the other wits that worked for the New Yorker magazine would gather around and tell each other these magnificent anecdotes and funny stories. Other people at the table, I've said table three times now.


AP: I really wanted to listen to that story.

NP: Marcus you challenged first.

MB: Yes repetition of table, helpfully pointed out by Paul.

NP: Eleven seconds, you can take a horse to the water starting now.

MB: You can take a horse to water the plants in your garden, but it will have trouble reaching the hanging baskets unless it leans right back on its haunches in which case it may be able...


NP: Cyrus challenged.

CB: It.

AP: Yes he did, a lot of its.

CB: One or two are fine because it's a small word.

NP: No it doesn't matter, if he repeats it...

MB: Yes no, I did, I did.

NP: Yes and he did and you got in Cyrus cleverly with two seconds to go, you can take a horse to the water starting now.

CB: You can take a horse to the water but remember...


NP: Right at the end of that round Cyrus Broacha was talking as the whistle went. And has increased his position, but he's only, he's one point behind our leader Marcus Brigstocke. And the others, too are trailing, Paul Merton and then comes Anuvab. And Marcus Brigstocke it's your turn to begin. The subject is now playing by the rules. Tell us about that subject in this game starting now.

MB: Playing by the rules in Just A Minute is very easy because of course we have the watchful eye of the lovely Mr Nicholas Parsons who, unbeknownst to this audience here, keeps a cattle prod beneath these desks. And if you break the rules more than once he will attach it to a certain part of your anatomy, pull the trigger and you will certainly not be breaking the rules again. That's how Nicholas runs this ship...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Sadly repetition of Nicholas.

NP: Yes.

MB: No I don't think it's sad, it's a lovely thing to repeat.

PM: Yes this is true. We can't get enough of Nicholas Parsons! You're absolutely right! Absolutely right!

NP: I was going to give you a bonus point for that but it didn't get enough applause really.


NP: I don't think I can now, I was begging it there, wasn't I.

PM: You were.

NP: But it's a correct challenge, he did repeat Nicholas, 38 seconds Paul on playing by the rules starting now.

PM: Playing by the rules in life could be a good model if you want to continue your existence on this wonderful planet of ours. But if people don't play by the rules, perhaps they've given themselves an edge over their opponents. If your rivals are playing by the rules but you actually cheat by turning up early at a particular function or speaking to the manager ahead of them, you don't have to play by the rules if you want to get ahead in this life. That's what I think I...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Repetition of life.

PM: Yes absolutely yes.

MB: Which of course enters us into a big theological debate. Since we are here in India, I don't know...

NP: Nicholas you could help here, is reincarnation repetition or not?

NP: You are outrageous, the things you say to me. And you get away with it.

PM: Yeah I know, it's funny isn't it.

NP: But I laugh as well because they're funny, right. So Marcus a correct challenge, 16 seconds, playing by the rules starting now.

MB: Playing by the rules has never been something I'm particularly good at, having been expelled three times from separate schools though of course that is of course mandatory when you are...


NP: Yes.

CB: Of course, of course.

NP: Yes.

MB: Of course, of course.

CB: Unless that's an English phrase.

NP: Eight seconds for you Cyrus on playing by the rules starting now.

CB: Playing by the rules has not been invented in the sub-continent as yet. We haven't yet reached the point where...


CB: Yet.

NP: Yes. The audience are ahead of you on all of these things, aren't they.

PM: Do you think we should give the audience a buzzer each?

NP: But Marcus you had a correct challenge then, you've got two seconds on playing by the rules starting now.

MB: Playing by the rules is absolutely pointless, I don't see...


NP: So Marcus Brigstocke speaking as the whistle went, gained another point. So Anuvab it's your turn to begin again, and the subject now is...

AP: Yes Nicholas?

NP: Tongue twisters. I mean you're going in your second language here and you're going to tell us something about tongue twisters, 60 seconds starting now.

AP: Tongue twisting is something I do on Thursdays on days when I am not eating non-vegetarian food. I like to sit in a hot tub and twist... things...


NP: Cyrus you challenged.

CB: I thought the twist was a little er...

NP: It was hesitation definitely. He didn't know what the hell he was talking about.

CB: That's what I like. That's what I like.

AP: It's not an easy thing to do Nicholas.

NP: No no it isn't...

CB: And the constant talk about food is getting to me, I haven't eaten since three.

NP: There are 48 seconds Cyrus, tell us something about tongue twisters starting now.

CB: Tongue twisting is very difficult and I am going to show you three easy steps to make sure everybody in this room will be able to learn how to tongue twist. First stick your tongue to the side, aha, and them move it around, aha. After that...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Yes a repetition of ah.

CB: No! No no no! There were two distinct sounds! Aha and then aha!

MB: Yes the...

CB: You can't be over here to...

MB: The aha was different but the ahaaaa...

CB: You're bullying!

NP: You're not, your first ha was the same as your last ha.

MB: Yes!

CB: No! It's all about languages! It's a very subtle thing!

NP: All right I will put it to the audience!

CB: No!

NP: Do you agree with his challenge?


NP: Wait a minute! You can't all do it together!

AP: This sounds like the Indian Parliament!

NP: So Marcus that was a correct challenge...

MB: Right.

CB: What?

NP: Twenty-four seconds, tongue twisters starting now.

MB: The best tongue twister I've ever heard is she sells sea shells on the sea shore. But I can't complete the rest of it because it involves repetition. Twisting tongues is something that happened at my boarding school strangely enough as a punishment for turning up late or being early or on time. They just seemed to enjoy twisting our tongues, that's pretty much what British educational establishments are like. But there we go, there's no point in complaining is there? You just talk if you still can once your tongue has been twisted and occasionally removed in the case of one small boy who I sat next to in class E...


NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Well he was going so well but it was a hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation yes.

MB: Thank God someone buzzed, I was running out of oxygen.

AP: Hesitation on the small boy.

NP: Yes.

MB: That also happened.

NP: Paul, one second, tongue twisters starting now.

PM: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled...


NP: Right so Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And the scores are at the end of that round, Marcus Brigstocke is in the lead, just ahead of Paul Merton, followed by Anuvab Pal and Cyrus Broacha. There we are.

AP: What it says Cyrus, why are you coming fourth, what sort of scoring is that?

CB: The right kind!

NP: But Cyrus it's your turn to begin so we'd like you to talk about aunts and uncles and you have 60 seconds starting now.

CB: My aunt is actually my uncle. The story is long and sad. My aunt used to live in a place three floors above me. Her name was Teresa and interestingly for 24 years she wore stilettos and nothing else. She'd knock on the door every morning at six o'clock and sing Ave Maria in (unintelligible). Of course that's exactly the name as the title I just mentioned. I would like to add here that everybody has an aunt who is actually an uncle and sometimes an uncle who may turn out to be an aunt.


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is it on the card aunts and uncles?

NP: It is aunts and uncles in the plural. But just to keep you quiet, I am going to give you a bonus point. But Paul has a correct challenge...

CB: Charity is always welcome!

NP: Paul had a correct challenge and there are 33 seconds Paul, aunts and uncles starting now.

PM: Aunts and uncles, it's all particularly relative I suppose. You can't choose your parents, neither can you pick your aunts or uncles. But when I think of my family tree, I realise I have been blessed in both departments. I have some aunts that are absolutely... what?


PM: Sorry have I?

CB: I just listened to the audience screaming and went...


CB: I wasn't really sure.

AP: Was someone just going I I I I.

MB: No there's a sailor at the back.

NP: He did repeat I, you listened well, you had your friend in the audience who told you. And 19 seconds are available for you Cyrus on aunts and uncles starting now.

CB: I would like to now name my aunt Aroshan for...


NP: Anuvab you said...

AP: Hesitation on name of aunt.

CB: It's Aroshan, it's Aroshan, it's a Parsi name, Aroshan.

NP: I gave you the benefit of the doubt last time, I'm going to give it to Anuvab this time, 14 seconds for you Anuvab on aunts and uncles starting now.

AP: Cyrus's Aunt Aroshan is a lovely lady. She likes to read Charles Dickens...


CB: He hesitated.

NP: No he didn't.

CB: Yes he did!

AP: You said her name was Aroshan.

CB: After that.

NP: You're talking rubbish.

CB: No I swear! I swear on my aun, he didt...

NP: But he didn't hesitate. That's what I am saying.

CB: You were looking here, he did.

AP: Ask the audience!

CB: The audience is very unfair.


AP: I dislike all of you immensely!

NP: All right Cyrus, you fight hard for your points, don't you.

CB: Thank you.

NP: You've got 11 seconds left, aunts and uncles starting now.

CB: I will now name my uncles in order of appear...


NP: Cyrus you challenged yourself.

CB: Did I?

NP: All right Marcus, benefit of the doubt.

MB: Yes it was a repetition of I will now name.

CB: No I didn't say I will now name when I did the aunt thing. I said my aunts are.

PM: Can you imagine this going for 45 years without you?

NP: Quite right! How the hell did we do this game without you before?

CB: And you left in 1947! Why?

NP: It was a quiet organised orderly game! And you've come in and...

CB: What do you think we did to cricket?

AP: I hate to interrupt, I'm still trying to figure out the name of his aunt!

CB: Aroshan, she's Italian.

NP: I hate to think what it's like in your home on occasions.

CB: Separate bedrooms!

NP: Separate bedrooms but you've got all these aunts and uncles there? Eight seconds Cyrus, tell us more about your anuts and uncles starting now.

CB: Okay (unintelligible)...


CB: This is going into a foreign language.

NP: Marcus.

MB: Deviation from any recognisable word.

NP: Right Marcus you have a correct challenge, you have five seconds, aunts and uncles starting now.

MB: Aunts versus uncles was a game that we enjoyed playing as children where my uncles would...


NP: Marcus Brigstocke was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. So as we move into the final round let me give you the situation. Anuvab Pal is in fourth place but a very good fourth place. Very strong.

AP: Best fourth place there is.

NP: A very colourful one as well.

AP: Thank you.

NP: And Cyrus Broacha you're doing extremely well but you're still in third place. But you're only two points behind Paul Merton and he is three or four points behind Marcus Brigstocke who is in the lead as we begin the final round. And Marcus it's actually your turn to begin, the subject is in a pickle. Tell us something about that phrase in the game starting now.

MB: In a pickle, I once found almost an entire lime. It was sour, bitter and it hurt my mouth. However I put it in so I decided to swallow it anyway, then coughed and spluttered all over the meal I was enjoying. In a pickle is a phrase that people use when they find themselves in a tricky situation, such as being stared at by a room full of people who are yet to laugh at anything I've said in this particular section, although there they go now, albeit not all of them...


NP: I think that round of applause is called sympathy.

PM: You've heard a lot of it, haven't you Nicholas.

NP: You are wicked! I create a noose and I stick my head into it, don't I. Right Cyrus you challenged first.

CB: Yes sir.

NP: What was it?

CB: He stumbled. That is...

NP: No no no, you've got it right, I have to hear from you, 38 seconds, the subject is in a pickle starting now.

CB: In a pickle, or as we like to say in India, in a pie-kle, because our pronunciations have always been a little different, means you are in a little bit of trouble. Let me explainj to you my in a pickle situation...


NP: Anuvab.

AP: Deviation from how we pronounce pickle. Nobody says pie-kle. Who says pie-kle?

CB: It's a long story, I can't tell you.

NP: Listen do anybody over here say pie-kle instead of pickle?


CB: You see? I heard a man say pie-kle. You heard that! I have all the fans there! Pie-kle! Paul, you heard the pie-kle! I heard it clearly!

NP: The benefit of the doubt goes to Anuvab here, in a pickle's the subject, 28 seconds starting now.

AP: For the three billion people who think we pronounce pickle pie-kle...


AP: I just wanted to apologise.

CB: Hesitation.

NP: All right, it was hesitation. Twenty-nine seconds, in a pickle, back with you Cyrus starting now.

CB: Some absolute moron calls it pie-kle, I call it pickle...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Repetition of pie-kle.

NP: Yes. Don't try and justify that one Cyrus, you said pie-kle.

CB: He said it before the pie-kle.

NP: No no. Marcus there are 22 seconds available, in a pickle starting now.

MB: Pie-kling is a sport that I have enjoyed many times. It's similar to cycling, only different, because you do it riding a piece of pickle...


NP: Cyrus you challenged.

CB: Deviation, where's the pickle situation? It's all gone, he's cycling and pie-kling. I'm losing...


NP: Quiet! Control yourself please!

CB: I'm suffering! I want my lawyer!

NP: You don't need a lawyer, you speak well enough on your own! I agree with you Cyrus, that is a correct challenge, 17 seconds, in a pickle starting now.

CB: Yes in a pickle is a story about a young girl who had a little problem, wollom...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Yes deviation, I've never heard of the word gwollim.

AP: In defence of Cyrus, it's a very common word in Delhi.

NP: Correct challenge and you have 12 seconds, in a pickle starting now.

MB: In a pickle, you can shove a massive doser which is exactly what I did this afternoon. The thing I was eating was larger than my leg and I was very excited by the size of it. It was called a paper one and it had cheese inside it and was smeared with pickle...


NP: So Marcus Brigstocke was speaking as the whistle went, gained another point. So it only remains for me to give you the final score. Anuvab finished in fourth place.

AP: Thank you very much.

NP: And in second place was his other Indian compatriot, Cyrus Broacha. But he was only one point behind Paul Merton who has played the game many many times.

CB: Please can I interject for a second, your Lordship. I'm a little, I just think culturally again you've come to India so it's not right that the foreign guy wins. We don't allow that especially in cricket. So I should say that perhaps one of us should be given the grand prize. Even though we were the worst two on the night.

NP: Well let me put it this way. Marcus Brigstocke finished up with the most points. And technically within the rules of Just A Minute he is the winner. But as this is our second visit to Mumbai and I think our two Indian guests have contributed so much on both occasions, I am going to say that today they are both the joint winners!

AP: And once again another victory not legitimately earned!

NP: I think your passion and your contribution and your erudition and your humour meant that it was properly earned.

AP: Thank you Nicholas.

NP: It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Anuvab Pal, Cyrus Broacha and Marcus Brigstocke. I thank Tilusha Ghelani, for having helped me with the score and also blown her whistle with great aplomb and who has produced this amazing show. And we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. So from them, from this audience here in Mumbai, and from me Nicholas Parsons, thank you for being with us and tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute!