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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring PAUL MERTON, GYLES BRANDRETH, JENNY ECLAIR and PAM AYRES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 March 2010)
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country, but the millions who tune in throughout the world. And also to welcome to the programme four delightful, talented, humorous individuals who are going to show their skill with language and words, verbal dexterity and ingenuity as they try and speak on a subject that I will give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And they are, seated on my right, we have Paul Merton and Jenny Eclair. And seated on my left, Gyles Brandreth and Pam Ayres. Will you please welcome all four of them! Seated beside me is Sarah Sharpe, who is going to help me with the score, and blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Radio Theatre, in the heart of Broadcasting House in the heart of the West End, West One district of London. Gyles we'd like you to begin the show this week, yes. Here's an interesting subject to start with, sitting on the throne. Will you tell us about that subject in this game starting now. GYLES BRANDRETH: As chance would have it Nicholas, I happen to have a throne of my own. Among my intriguing forebears besides Jeremiah Brandreth, the last person to be buried for treason in this country in 1817, is the Empress Eugenie, married to Napoleon the Third, and they had a double throne, one of which has come down to me on my father's side. In 1872 when the imperial couple were thrown out of France... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PAUL MERTON: Repetition of 18. NP: Yes 18, 1892 or whatever it was, the first time you talked about your grandfather. GB: Oh yes, no no, same century, you're quite right. NP: Right Paul, you have a correct challenge of repetition, you get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject which is sitting on the throne, there are 33 seconds starting now. PM: Charles the First felt pretty secure sitting on the throne of England until the Civil War began round about 1642 and ran for about four or five years. Cromwell was considered the victor and he cut off the head of the afore-mentioned monarch. This was considered a terrible blow to his life achievements... BUZZ NP: Gyles challenged. GB: We've not yet had a mention of sitting on the throne. This is a very interesting dissertation on... NP: At the beginning he said Charles the First was on the throne. PM: Was sitting on the throne. GB: Well he mentioned it en passant but now he has gone into the history of the Civil Wars. NP: Yes, a difficult one, all right... GB: This is about sitting on the throne. Not about being decapitated, not about... NP: All right Gyles, you've made your point. I frequently in this show give benefits of the doubt and you've got it now, he was deviating a little. Thirteen seconds, sitting on the throne, with you starting now. GB: The key thing, the Queen once told me, when sitting on the throne, is posture. Absolutely make sure that your shoulders are back, your lovely chest is out... BUZZ NP: Ah Jenny challenged. JENNY ECLAIR: Two yours. NP: Two yours yes. JE: I'm really sorry Gyles. NP: Jenny correct challenge, five seconds, sitting on the throne starting now. JE: Men tend to sit on the throne for longer than women apart from Queen Victoria who couldn't get off the thing... WHISTLE NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. JE: That's me! NP: It was Jenny Eclair. So Jenny you're in the lead at the end of the first round. Right, Pam Ayres would you begin the next round. The subject is a brass neck. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. PAM AYRES: A person with a brass neck has no sense of shame. And I wonder if the phrase originated from the time of capital punishment when the judge would say "I sentence you to be taken from this place to a oh..." BUZZ PA: There to be hanged by the neck. NP: Yes I'm afraid before you got to that point... PA: Yeah I did stumble. NP: Gyles challenged. GB: There was a hesitation. PA: There was, yes I know. NP: Yes there was, she was trying to get the phrase out. PA: It was such an awful sentence to pass, you see. NP: Forty-six seconds, 46 seconds are available Gyles, and you have the subject of a brass neck starting now. GB: My personal trainer Tamsin has done a wonderful job on my brass neck. But she absolutely refuses to touch my brass monkeys. She is very particular about all... BUZZ NP: Pam challenged. PA: I think this is becoming obscene! We don't want to know about his brass monkeys. GB: No, she does the dusting as well as personal training and we have these... PA: No no... GB: Hear no evil, see no evil, know no evil... PA: I think... GB: ... on the mantelpiece. PM: Your personal trainer also does housework? GB: Yes. I mean, I call her that, she's actually also my first wife. NP: You're going too far now Gyles. I can believe that while she is twisting your neck she is looking at the brass monkeys on the mantelpiece. So the benefit of the doubt to you and you have the subject and you have 37 seconds, a brass neck starting now. GB: I think a brass neck is someone who has an awful lot of cheek. And I do remember when I was a politician, meeting constituents who were exactly that. They came and demanded things in a rude and vile way of one. I call the... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: Were these members of the Conservative Party? GB: Not when they left! NP: So your challenge... PM: I just wondered why he had these vile constituents, I don't know. It seemed a very odd, very sad state of affairs. NP: I think in every constituency, there are some that are vile and some that are lovely. PM: Yeah I'm sure there are. NP: What is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute? PM: Oh I don't know, I got the laugh I was seeking. NP: And you will get a bonus point for that. PM: Oh thank you very much. NP: But Gyles was interrupted and so he keeps the subject, a brass neck and 24 seconds available Gyles starting now. GB: I remember the 1960s when I used to protest, no arms for the Venus D'Mylo. And touring the Museum of the Louvre and seeing a most extraordinary brass statue that contained the longest brass neck in the world. It was designed by an Albanian sculptor by the name of Dito Navare-Cantalle, 1782... BUZZ GB: Not 18 anything, by the way. NP: You've challenged, Paul. PM: Well yes, I mean... NP: Your challenge is... PM: It breaks up the sound of his voice, doesn't it! NP: I thought you were challenging on the fact that it wasn't, the fact that it was a fictitious name, Tito Navare. PM: You don't get brass statues really, do you? GB: Oh you do. NP: Ohou do get brass statues. JE: Yeah. PM: Do you get brass statues? NP: Yes indeed. JE: Yes. GB: Oh yes, Nicholas has been done in brass! Oh yeah! JE: Any more? NP: Well actually, I have been done in bronze. GB: Of course, you've been done in bronze, they know who you are... PA: I've got a brass albatross at home. NP: Oh really. PM: You've got what? NP: You've got a brass... PA: A brass albatross at home. GB: That's no way to speak... PA: On the window sill. NP: Is it! JE: You don't wear that hanging around your neck, do you. PA: No. NP: Okay Paul, your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute? PM: I haven't got one. NP: Just wanted to stop him talking? PM: Yeah. NP: All right, six seconds, a brass neck still with you Gyles starting now. GB: I remember Captain Quelch saying that a... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: We've had remember before. NP: You had remember. GB: Ahhhh! JE: That was my challenge! PM: That was Jenny's challenge, of course, but being psychic I got there slightly ahead of her. But anyway it's Jenny's point really. NP: Paul a correct challenge and you have ah five seconds, a brass neck starting now. PM: A brass neck is something to cherish... BUZZ NP: Jenny challenged. JE: He said something last time. GB: Yes. NP: You haven't spoken yet on this subject, have you? PM: No. A brass neck! JE: I was demonstrating my brass neck Nicholas. NP: I know you were. JE: May I have a bonus point for that? NP: No, darling. I don't think it was worth it, no. I don't think you realised what you'd done actually. JE: No, no, neither have I. I just was desperate to stop him! NP: Yeah. PM: You just bluffed and forgot I hadn't said anything. JE: Yeah. NP: Paul, incorrect challenge so you have another point, three seconds available, a brass neck starting now. PM: Frankenstein's monster had a brass neck, he saw it in a film... WHISTLE NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gain an extra point. On this occasion it was Paul Merton, who is equal in the lead now with Gyles Brandreth. Jenny we'd like you to begin the next round. The subject, oh a very feminine one, this one, chintz. You tell us something about chintz in Just A Minute starting now. JE: I've got a secret soft spot for chintz. Even though I live in minimalist splendour, south-east London, sometimes I will stay in a hotel riddled with chintz. Mmmmm, swags and frou and fry... BUZZ JE: It's frou-frou! I couldn't get away from the frou-frou! NP: And Gyles got in before you even got to the frou-frou. Gyles? GB: Hesitation. NP: There was a hesitation I'm afraid. JE: I think the frou and the frou was coming. NP: I know, Gyles you have chintz. I think it suits you actually. The ah, 43 seconds starting now. GB: I have a feeling that the word chintz comes to us from the Indian subcontinent. And that it was in Pondacelli that the original chintz was designed and created. I recall this because at school, we learned about the Calico wars of the 1720s when France and England were in dispute over the importation of... BUZZ NP: Pam challenged. PA: I think he's gone on to war again. GB: No. The Chintz wars! PA: I just, I know, I'm just tired of not being heard, you see, so I came to the fore. NP: I think you were getting a long way away from chintz and on to wars. And I must give the benefit of the doubt I think to... GB: All right, all right. NP: So benefit of the doubt to you Pam, you have the subject, you have 26 seconds on chintz starting now. PA: Chintz describes a flowery fabric which indeed was originally produced in India by a woodblock process. People sniff at chintz and say it's country and folksy and not at all minimalist and modern. But I like it myself, it makes me feel very homely and cheerful when I see chintz curtains and chairs and sofas and foot stools... BUZZ NP: Jenny challenged. JE: Ands. I let her get away with lots of ands but then there were loads of ands. PA: How hard! NP: Darling you can have two ands but you had four. JE: She had seven ands, I was counting. PA: Oh! NP: She didn't have as many as that, don't be mean. PA: Okay, I was, I was gently panicking anyway so you were quite right. NP: I know darling but you should have kept going for another two seconds. PA: Oh is that all? GB: Oh! Oh! JE: Got ya. NP: So Jenny, two seconds to go, chintz starting now. JE: Chuck out your chintz, said Ikea a few years ago... WHISTLE NP: So Jenny Eclair was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And she is now in second place, no, third place. One behind Paul and two behind Gyles Brandreth who is in the lead. And Paul your turn to begin and your subject is just deserts. Tell us something about that subject in this game, 60 seconds starting now. PM: Just Desserts, it probably wouldn't work as a restaurant, would it. But just deserts means you get what you deserve. Whatever work you've put into something... BUZZ NP: Pam challenged. PA: You get what you deserve. Two yous wasn't it. NP: Oh! Oh I see yes. PA: I'm a desperate woman! NP: No no no, you're right! Somebody had you for three ands. PA: I know they did. NP: So I think it is only fair now that you get... PM: I'll just point out... NP: But I think if we have too many of these little challenges, it could grind to a halt somewhere. So... PA: I can retract it. NP: No no darling, you've got it, you've got a legitimate challenge. PA: Thank you. NP: And you have 51 seconds, tell us something about just deserts starting now. PA: My mother used to make enormous grey suet puddings, boiled up in a vast black cauldron, filled with carrots, bacon, onions. Or alternatively jams made from fruits such as blackcurrants, apples, blackberries and... BUZZ NP: Jenny challenged. JE: Two blacks. NP: It's one word! PA: Blackcurrants and blackberries. NP: Blackcurrants and blackberries. JE: Ah. Oh oh. NP: They're one word. Pam, an incorrect challenge, you have another point and you have, still have just deserts and you have... JE: The pudding sounds delicious Pam! PA: Yes. JE: May I have the recipe? NP: But it went from a casserole to a pudding? PA: I'm sorry, I was a desperate woman! I am sorry about that. NP: But did she do it all together? Maybe you had the dessert and the pudding all together, did you. PA: They used to... NP: I mean the first course and the second course... PA: They used to have a savoury end and a sweet end. JE: That sounds like a Cornish pastie. PA: No, it's a suet duff. JE: Really? PA: Oh yes. GB: More duff than suet, I think. NP: Thirty-one seconds Pam, just deserts starting now. PA: Served up with custard, not Bird's custard but proper... BUZZ PA: Ohhhh! NP: Too much custard. PA: I know. Too much custard, yeah. GB: And also they don't like all this promoting Bird's. I know you've got the contract with them but it's a... PA: I have not! I have not! NP: No, I think they'll write to her now. Paul, correct challenge, 27 seconds starting now. PM: I suppose it's almost a Buddhist way of looking at things, the circle of karma. If you do something bad, then perhaps something awful will happen... BUZZ NP: Jenny challenged. JE: Double something. NP: Two somethings. PM: Oh yes. NP: Something bad, something awful happened. Right Jenny, well listened, 19 seconds are still available, tell us something about just deserts starting now. JE: Often women are on diets and have to save up calories until they can afford a treat such as a just dessert. Maybe a sticky toffee pudding, trifle, gingerbread. All sorts of things you can shove down your throat when you deserve... WHISTLE NP: So Jenny Eclair was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Oh she's moved forward, into second place now alongside Gyles, one point behind Paul Merton. And Gyles your turn to begin, after midnight. Interesting subject, tell us something about it in this game starting now. GB: After Midnight is the name of a nightclub that I first visited in Copenhagen in the company of the Earl of Longford, when I was a member of his pornography committee. I still possess the raincoat that I bought at the time, though my darling wife has sewn up the pockets! We went to After Midnight and were given the most extraordinary entertainment you can imagine. There were these gorgeous maidens clad in absolutely nothing. One looked like Pam Ayres... BUZZ NP: Before you got to Pam Ayres, Jenny challenged. JE: Deviation, you can't be clad in absolutely nothing. GB: Oh you can, though! You can! JE: How? GB: You can be clad in absolutely nothing. Gossamer thin... JE: I think... GB: It was gossamer thin what she was wearing. NP: No I think... JE: But then she should have been clad in gossamer thin. GB: Well if you want the truth, she was clad in stretch-marks, but that's neither here nor there. NP: No, I think you're right Jenny, you can't be clad in absolutely nothing, I think it's a benefit of the doubt Jenny, 31 seconds, after midnight starting now. JE: I don't know much about after midnight. I'm not up late these days. Ten o'clock I'm nodding off in front of the news. In my day of course after midnight when I, was when I went out on the howl, ahhhhhhh, chasing boys down back alleys. Come back! You know you want me really! Hah! BUZZ JE: I've appalled myself! I've appalled myself! NP: I know! And the reaction of this audience confirms it. The, Paul you challenged. PM: Well there was hesitation. JE: Yes. NP: There was a hesitation. PM: Yes. JE: Only because a man was slightly sick in the audience. NP: So Paul you have a correct challenge, after midnight, tell us something about that subject in this game and there are 13 seconds available starting now. PM: When I used to live in my bedsit in Streatham during the 1980s, my radio was a very good friend to me. And I would listen to it particularly around midnight and afterwards. I enjoyed listening to the World Service... BUZZ NP: Jenny challenged. JE: Listening, listening. NP: You were listening too much. PM: Oh yes I seem to have made a bit of a habit of that. NP: Yes that's when you first heard Just A Minute, wasn't it. PM: It was, yeah. NP: Right, and you wanted to get on it. PM: I did yeah. NP: And you wrote in. GB: The letter began "dear Dad". NP: Oh give him a bonus point, it was a good remark. And Jenny you've cleverly got in, you're doing this a lot you know, with two seconds to go. After midnight is with you starting now. JE: After midnight is the witching hour... WHISTLE NP: So Jenny Eclair... PA: I wanted to tell you about my tawny owl. I was really looking forward to telling that... NP: Tell us now Pam, come on. PA: It was like a great big moth, and it come sout after midnight. And it floats between the trees and it is very very beautiful, and we've... BUZZ GB: Repetition of very. NP: I know. GB: I'm sorry, we are not playing? NP: We're not playing the game now. PA: And my brother has made me an owl box for him and it says "owl abode" and I am waiting in hope that he will move in. And I was going to tell you all this if I had been able to get a word in edgeways! But unfortunately I hadn't! NP: Give her a bonus point. PA: Oh thank you very much. NP: And also Pam, it's your turn to begin. So maybe you could have worled it into this one. Actually you could have worked that story into this one, because the subject is my diary. Right, 60 seconds as usual starting now. PA: My diary is so full of depraved and salacious information that I have to keep it under constant lock and key, swathed in chains, razor wire and high voltage cables. If the gutter press and the paparazzi got hold of my diary, shock waves would reverberate throughout the civilised world. People would be shocked and horrified if they expected to see humdrum entries like "went and had a crown put on my teeth" or "walked the dog twice". They would be sorely disappointed. Hohoho yes... BUZZ NP: Oh they loved it and you slipped up on the thing that we have to watch out for. PA: Hohoho was a mistake, wasn't it. NP: Hohoho, right. JE: Yeah too many hohohoes. NP: Twenty-two seconds for you Jenny on my diary starting now. JE: I started writing a diary in 1974. And then went on... BUZZ JE: Oh sorry. NP: Gyles challenged. JE: I suddenly got it in my head, what it looked like. NP: It doesn't matter... JE: It went all weird then. It took me back. NP: Gyles you challenged. There was a hesitation I'm afraid. JE: Yes. NP: Eighteen seconds are available Gyles, my diary starting now. GB: Only good girls keep diaries, bad ones don't have the time. And I know... BUZZ NP: Pam, Pam challenged. Pam you challenged. PA: I challenged because I don't think what he is saying was as interesting as what I was saying. GB: There's no doubting that! PA: Mine was more salacious and depraved. NP: But I must say we enjoyed your interruption Pam, so we give you a bonus point for that. PA: Thank you very much indeed. NP: But he wasn't actually breaking any of the rules of Just A Minute. PA: He wasn't really, I was being outrageous! NP: Gyles, 14 seconds, my diary starting now. GB: I first began keeping my diary in 1959. And I recall turning to the bottom of the bed where I was putting the books away and getting out my pencil and the torch that had three different colours, turning it to green because actually the white could be seen through the blankets by Matey... WHISTLE NP: Right so Gyles was then speaking when the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so. He's now equal in the lead with Jenny Eclair. They're two points ahead of Paul Merton, and four or five ahead of Pam Ayres. And Paul your turn to begin. Paul the subject now, oh a lovely one, three uses for an elastic band starting now. PM: Three uses for an elastic band. First of all you can tie up your nickers with it, you can make your boat go faster, and you propel model aeroplanes because they work on elastic band driven motor. What you do is you wind the band around and circumference... BUZZ NP: Gyles challenged. GB: I was wondering about those three you cans in the first paragraph. NP: Oh yes there were three you cans. You can, you can, you can. GB: I just sort of thought, well... NP: Correct challenge, and if you challenge, I've got to give it to you. It's not very popular with the audience but it is correct. Forty-six seconds Gyles, three uses for an elastic band starting now. GB: Many years ago I produced a I play with Alan Jones in which he essayed the role of Christopher Robin. His voice was about to break, and consequently we found that one use for the elastic band was before each performance to put it round and apply it to him. It kept his lovely treble piping through four weeks of... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: Why don't you use Nicholas's truss? NP: The thing is if you go on about this truss, everyone will think I've really got one. PM: You might get sponsorship! NP: No, what's your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute? PM: Was I challenging? NP: Yes. PM: I don't think I had one. NP: You haven't got one. But we enjoyed the interruption so we give him a bonus point for that, Gyles you were interrupted, you get a point for that and you have three uses for an elastic band starting now. GB: The second use for the elastic band was given to me by Billy Bunter himself. William George of Greyfriars School when I used to read the stories written by Frank Richardson in the 1950s had a rubber band that he flicked, ink pellets across the room. And one hit Mister Quelch above the right eyebrow. Oh the joshing and joking we had when splosh, it went all over the visage of this fine teacher. Pam Ayres was my teenage sweetheart and I brought her an... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: Well, this is defamation, isn't it! I mean... NP: So it's deviation? PM: Deviation. GB: No, I was going to tell you how I gave her my first ring made out of the third use of the rubber band, was to give her a ring, how we have been since! NP: No Gyles, Gyles, I know you very well, and I know Pam fairly well. And I know that she wasn't your teenage passion... PA: I was not! GB: We kept, have you read the diary? Have you read the diary? NP: I can't read Pam's diary because it's under lock and key. PA: And razor wire! GB: You're too busy pulling on your truss! You haven't got time! PM: I do notice the way she edges away from you all the time, as if she's in a blind panic! GB: I find that's the way women show they are attracted to me. JE: By rearing back? PM: Rearing backwards. JE: Rearing back like a circus pony! NP: Paul you were the one who challenged, weren't you? It was such a long time ago. PM: It was a long time ago. NP: Yeah. And ah... PM: What is the subject, by the way? NP: Three uses for an elastic band. PM: Yeah I've just thought of another one. Okay. NP: Well you've only got one second to tell us. PM: Oh really. NP: Starting now. PM: Bungi jumping! WHISTLE NP: So we are moving into the final round and it's an interesting situation. At the end of the last round, three of them were equal in the lead. They're not quite equal now but it's still anybody's game as you might say. Pam is trailing a little, but her contribution is so wonderful, it doesn't matter. I do want to read her diaries some time! But out in the lead, one point ahead of Gyles is Paul Merton and he is three points ahead of Jenny Eclair. And that sequence we go into the final round with Gyles to start, and the subject now, Gyles, is property prices. Sixty seconds starting now. GB: As I think I may have told you in the past, my parents are Anglo-Welsh and they burnt down their own cottage. Did I ever tell you Nicholas, that I owned a flat in Baker Street at Chilton Court, and next door lived Hughie Green... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: You mention this virtually every time you're on this show! And the next line is if opportunity had knocked for me, my life might have been a different story. GB: No no. PM: So yes, we have heard it many times Gyles. Many times. GB: No, the next line is that, actually I might have been Peaches Geldof's great-uncle, um, if Hughie Green was next door. But no, this is not the point. I never told you the price. I was going to say that I told you the story but I haven't told you the price. NP: No, wait a minute Gyles, wait a minute. You weren't deviating within the... GB: And I wasn't repeating it in this programme. NP: Paul... PM: It's more a career repeat really. NP: Paul did have a very amusing interruption. GB: He did? NP: So we give him a bonus point for what he said. Gyles you get a point because you were interrupted, 44 seconds Gyles, property prices starting now. GB: It's so vulgar to talk about money which may be why I find this a very difficult subject. In the 1980s we had dinner parties where everybody discussed the value of their roof, and I really loathed it. We would be dipping food into a sort of hot, greasy thing and then saying "oh aren't we rich because the property we own now has gone up, the price is soaring through the roof..." BUZZ NP: Pam challenged. PA: Two, two roofs. NP: Two roofs yes. So now Pam you've got the subject and you have 21 seconds available, property prices starting now. PA: I bought my first home, 19 Abington Road at Stanslake for eleven and a half thousand pounds in the late 70s. And I lived there for several years before I sold it. And any minute now I expect them to place a large blue plaque upon it, saying the great poet and wit... WHISTLE NP: And Pam I'm sure one day there will be a blue plaque on that door. PA: You think there will? NP: They usually wait till you die before... PA: I know they do yes so I don't want it just yet! NP: But you brought the show to an end with a flourish and we enjoyed it very much indeed. But unfortunately your flourish wasn't enough to get you out of fourth place but it doesn't matter. PA: Never mind. NP: We loved everything you did and said, it was great. And in third place was Jenny Eclair who did very very well and was for a time in the lead. And the other situation is so very very close. Gyles got a massive number of points... GB: Yes yes go on! NP: But you finished one point behind Paul Merton. GB: What! Didn't you have another son that you never talked about? I've a feeling you did! PM: He called him Gyles! GB: Yes, exactly. Poor wee thing! NP: It wouldn't get you another point Gyles. GB: Wouldn't it? NP: No, but they give you a huge round of applause there because they loved it. But let's have It So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four intrepid, lovely players of this game, Paul Merton and Jenny Eclair on my right, and Pam Ayres and Gyles Brandreth on my left. I thank Sarah Sharpe who sits beside me to help me with the score, and blowing her whistle so delicately. We thank Claire Jones, our producer, who does such a wonderful job, but she is behind the scenes all the time. And we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are grateful to this lovely audience here in the Radio Theatre in London. So from our audience, and from me, Nicholas Parsons, and from the team here in this show, good-bye and thank you. But tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute! Yes! THEME MUSIC |
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