ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Aimi Macdonald and Patrick Moore in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you for that lovely warm reception for Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome two of our regular players, Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones. And we welcome two guests who have played the game before, Aimi Macdonald and Patrick Moore. And the rules are going to be just the same. They're going to try and talk for Just A Minute if they can on the subject I will give them without hesitating, without repeating themselves and without deviating from the subject. And we'll start the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth an apt title, an apt subject to start any programme, a grand opening. So can you try and talk for 60 seconds on a grand opening starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: The first thing that springs to mind would be the Suez Canal. One thinks of the vessels decked with bunting and the Empress...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Um, er deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: Well um I don't understand what the Suez Canal has to do with an opening.

NP: Well he'd only just started Aimi. He'd only been going for six seconds. So I mean...

AM: That's long enough!

KW: What are you talking about! Don't you realise, don't you realise...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ... that it had an opening, didn't it! It had to be opened, right? I was talking about the opening when the Empress Eugenie was there!

PETER JONES: Aimi points out that it didn't have an opening but I have pointed out that it has an opening at both ends!

NP: And a grand opening at the opening, the top end! Right, that was an incorrect challenge Aimi, so Kenneth gets a point for a wrong challenge, he keeps the subject and there are 53 seconds left starting now.

KW: There was a great opening for the exhibition with Victoria and Albert in attendance at Hyde Park...


NP: Patrick...

PATRICK MOORE: The exhibition was not held in the Suez Canal! You're deviating.

KW: I've gone on to another subject, dear.

NP: He's gone on to another subject, another opening.

PM: That's what I mean! He's gone on to another subject, therefore he's deviating.

AM: Yeah.

NP: No, he's not deviating from the subject.

KW: I'm talking about an opening.

NP: He is not deviating from the subject of a grand opening which is written on the card. So...

KW: I don't know what's the point of coming along here!

PM: It's not really about the Princess Eugenie...

KW: I'm surrounded by all these idiots! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street! I walked here you know!

NP: Well Kenneth you are winning points...

KW: Thank you!

NP: ... because the challenges are incorrect...

KW: Thank you! You're a very kind chairman!

NP: And so...

KW: Thank you!

NP: You get another point for there, and there are 47 seconds for a grand opening starting now.

KW: A grand opening took place when I had a one man show at the Television Centre. When the producer said "your opening will be one of the hugest, most gala like affairs that's ever been seen in this building. Now we've even turned off the fountains, for the water falling will put off all the typists who are supposed to be doing your script". I said "why, that's wonderfully thoughtful. Such a thing would never have occurred to me!" "Ah well," he said, "you've got to take into account the psychological implications of water falling. A lot of people...


NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Repetition of water falling.

NP: Yes you did mention that before. So that was repetition and Patrick Moore has a correct challenge, a point for that and there are 13 seconds left Patrick, a grand opening, starting now.

PM: Grand openings can be of many kinds. They can be for example in the cosmos...


NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Um, I don't know what you call this, but he's talking about openings, that's plural.

NP: They can, yes, he repeated they can, didn't he?

AM: What?

NP: Yes.

AM: Yes I was going to say that actually!

NP: Yes, yes, I know you were.

AM: I'd forgotten it now.

NP: Yes I can see that you were.

AM: Yes.

NP: Aimi you have the subject now with nine seconds...

PM: I think that was sharp practice!

NP: Oh no, it's lovely practice when it's Aimi Macdonald! Um, it's nine seconds for a grand opening Aimi starting now.

AM: Right! When I got up this morning, I put on this dress, you see, and down...

PM: Have you got it on?

AM: ... the centre there is a zip. At the bottom of this peculiar thing there is...


NP: The whistle that Ian Messiter, the creator of the game, blows beside me tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Aimi Macdonald who was telling us about her dress that she said she'd got on, but it only looks as if it's half on! And Aimi you have a point for speaking as the whistle goes, and you have two at the end of that round. You're equal with Kenneth. And you're going to begin the next round if you don't mind. The subject is the nicest one I know. And you can take that any way you wish! You have 60 seconds in which to take it starting now.

AM: Tonight...


AM: Oh!

NP: And you've been challenged.

KW: Obvious hesitation!

NP: I don't think you can call one of Aimi Macdonald's warm throbs as she started a hesitation.

AM: That was an intake of breath! A girl has to breathe you know!

NP: Don't... I've just said it was a warm throb, it's much better!

PJ: Yes! Don't stop breathing! I enjoy watching it!

NP: Peter Jones made that remark as he's sitting beside Aimi and he's blushing at the moment and he hasn't said much!

PJ: Not much!

NP: He's finding it very difficult this week!

AM: Do I get a point?

NP: Yes you've got a point Aimi. Don't scratch your head darling! The nicest one I know, 60, er 59 seconds starting now.

AM: The nicest one I know has two enormous large brown eyes, a very long back, and a thing on the end of his back which goes right down to the floor. It's surrounded by fur, he has four rather large feet, um, he also...


NP: Patrick Moore...

AM: Oh no I wasn't...

PM: I think I must claim hesitation there!

NP: Yes you must!

AM: No...

NP: There was a definite er um...

AM: No, um...

NP: No that wasn't a throb, it was an er and er Patrick has the subject now, there are 40 seconds left, the nicest one I know, Patrick, starting now.

PM: I can't entirely agree with the description of the nicest one I know as was in fact given by you. I do appreciate what you were trying to say. You were undoubtedly discussing one of our four legged friends, and I have nothing against this, mind you, because I myself have many colleagues of that nature. And the one to which I refer...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He's not an animal trainer! He hasn't got any animal colleagues, has he?

NP: No I don't think...

PJ: You can't describe animals as colleagues!

NP: They could be, no, no, no...

PJ: You could describe colleagues as animals! Possibly! Not vice versa!

PM: I think the reverse is the same thing! But I, I accept that challenge.

NP: Well that's very generous of you Patrick...

PJ: He will accept it! He's taking over the chairmanship you know! You realise that?

PM: You were perfectly right Peter, do carry on please.

NP: He doesn't have to carry on...

PJ: I've just received a message: try not to thump table, it says!

AM: That's me darling!

PJ: Oh it is!

NP: For the sake of our listeners at home...

PJ: The funny thing was she had her hands under the table when this happened!

AM: Oh!

NP: Peter let's get away from the thumping...

PJ: Yes!

NP: .. and get back to Just A Minute.

PJ: All right.

NP: The subject is the nicest one I know, you just had a correct challenge and you have 23 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well I'm going to describe this opening which was I think the nicest one I've ever seen. At the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, just before the War, after they'd had all those peace conferences, and it broke out. And they had the Jack and the Beanstalk with Binny Hale and it had a lot of people milling around on the stage, the Country er Square...


NP: Aimi Macdonald

AM: Oh that's not the Country er...

PJ: Yes I know!

NP: That was hesitation...

PJ: I did...

NP: You don't need to re-enact it for us Aimi, I quite agree, hesitation, so you have, oh very clever, you just got in before the buzzer. Two and a half seconds, the nicest one I know starting now.

AM: He had four very large...


NP: So Aimi Macdonald getting in just before the whistle, managed to keep going for those two and a half seconds, so she got that extra point for speaking when the whistle went and she's in the lead at the end of that round. Patrick Moore, will you start the next round, the subject is what I can do with my telescope. The audience enjoyed the thought of what you might be going to say...

PM: I'm so glad you've come back to this table, Kenneth and I felt very left out, I might say, very left out, don't you agree Kenneth?

KW: Hear hear, hear hear, hear hear, looking forward to your...

PM: Thank you very much!

NP: Right, well, you're right in now, you have 60 seconds, what I can do with my telescope, starting now.

PM: What can I do with my telescope? Many people have suggested things that I could do with my telescope. They've even suggested stuffing it through the roof...


NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of suggested.

NP: That is right Peter.

KW: Well I think you should allow a guest on the programme the odd mistake! Good gracious! Where's your gallantry?

NP: I think Patrick Moore has played the game often enough now, even though he is a guest....

PJ: Quite!

NP: ... not to...

PJ: And he's rather pushy if you ask me!

PM: Have you ever had the feeling of not being wanted?

KW: I'm sorry about this Patrick, I'm terribly sorry.

PM: I do understand. The people on that table are being horrid tonight...

KW: Hear hear!

NP: Patrick, you are wanted but try and play the game! And Peter's got a correct challenge, 53 seconds, what I can do with my telescope starting now.

PJ: What can I do with my telescope? Well the answer as far as I am concerned is not very much, because my youngest son took it to pieces many years ago. He was always taking everything I had pretty well to pieces which was..


PJ: ... part of the reason we never had another baby! Because we were afraid that he would er...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged you twice.

PJ: Oh did you?

AM: Yes darling.

PJ: I beg your pardon Aimi.

AM: It was all these little pieces you see.

PJ: Yes...

NP: Yes repetition of pieces...

AM: Yes...

NP: And Aimi spotted it and Aimi there are 41 seconds for what I can do with my telescope starting now.

AM: I don't actually have a telescope, but...


NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Well, if she doesn't got one, why don't she shut up and let somebody else?

NP: Oh...

KW: Shouldn't have women! Shouldn't have women on this show! She's always trying to get her oar in, that one!

AM: I do need a sense of humour darling!

NP: Oh the charm!

KW: We've got a bloke here who's an expert on telescopes! If you don't know anything about it, why don't he speak on it?

NP: Kenneth. He had the subject originally and lost it because he repeated himself. The charm and gallantry of our regular players of the game! Aimi, it doesn't matter darling whether you have a telescope or not. The subject is what I can do with my telescope and you have to talk on that...

KW: What are you talking about? The subject is what I can do with my telescope and it don't matter if she ain't got one? How does it make any sense? If she ain't got on, what could she do with it?

AM: You didn't let me, you didn't...

NP: You didn't let her finish the sentence.

AM: ... let me finish what I was going to say!

KW: Oh what was that?

NP: You'll hear in a moment!

AM: Wait and find out!

NP: There are 38 seconds, what I can do with my telescope, Aimi, starting now.

AM: I don't actually have a telescope, but...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Repetition, she told us that before!

NP: Yes! So Aimi Macdonald...

AM: That's not fair darling!

NP: It is really, it's absolutely fair.

AM: But that was a whole new round!

NP: No, it's not, it's the same round. You mustn't repeat any words you've used in this round. And you are in the lead, you're in a commanding lead, about five ahead of all the rest of the field. So I think we can allow Kenneth to talk on the subject now with 35 seconds, what I can do with my telescope, starting now.

KW: My telescope is something obviously I would be rather incompetent to deal with, since I...


NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Well if he's so incompetent why is he talking about it?

NP: By the same token, he wasn't deviating from the subject. But well tried Aimi, and the audience appreciated it. But Kenneth keeps the subject, there's an incorrect challenge, 30 seconds starting now.

KW: I would go for advice to young Patrick, who would enlighten me...


NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Deviation, I'm not young!

NP: You're young at heart Patrick, and you have 25 and a half seconds, what I can do with my telescope, starting now.

PM: There are plenty of things that I can do with my telescope. These ideas have been put forward from time to time. Many of them are entirely impractical...


NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of time.

NP: Yes, from time to time, 20 seconds Peter...

PM: But time has no meaning.

NP: You repeated time.

PM: Oh yes.

NP: Twenty seconds Peter, what I can do with my telescope, starting now.

PJ: Well I've got these bits in a plastic bag as I say, which I've had for many years, and I can use the bits as magnifying glasses...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two bits!

NP: Two bits!

KW: Too many bits there!

NP: There were too many bits!

KW: Yes!

PM: Who challenged, him or me?

KW: I did. Oh you challenged, oh?

PM: No, I give it to you.

KW: Well, no, I mean...

NP: Kenneth, you got it! Stop having a discussion with Patrick Moore! There are 13 seconds, what I can do with my telescope starting now.

KW: I would place my eyeball at its end and view the constellation unfolding before me...


KW: Look at night...

NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: Deviation, a constellation can't unfold, it's there already!

NP: Correct challenge, Patrick, six seconds are left with the subject, starting now.

PM: Viewing constellations through a telescope is something that cannot be done, even by the most enlightened. A telescope of course can be...


NP: So Patrick Moore was speaking then as the whistle went, telling us that 60 seconds are up, and he got that all important extra point. He's equal in second place with Kenneth Williams but they're still two points behind Aimi Macdonald. Peter's trailing two points behind Patrick and Kenneth and he's going to begin the next round. The wild west, Peter, that's the subject and will you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well funnily enough, only two days ago I returned from the wild west, and I am here to say it's not nearly so wild...


NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Ah, the challenge was not correct, repetition of wild, but it's in the title.

NP: Yes...

PM: I'm sorry!

NP: You can repeat the words...

PM: I'm terribly sorry!

NP: Don't apologise...

PM: I apologise.

NP: Just...

PJ: There you are, you see! Too pushy, all together, you see!

PM: I'm terribly sorry, I'm terribly sorry.

NP: He's delighted because he's got an extra point for an incorrect challenge.

PM: I'm terribly sorry!

NP: Fifty-three seconds, the wild west Peter, starting now.

PJ: Now fortunately because of that great man whose name I'm probably not allowed to mention, has made it more accessible than ever before. You can fly there terribly cheaply and come back. And as I... was over the...


NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Ow er, you know, hesitation.

NP: Yes Aimi, 41 seconds are left for the wild west and you start now.

AM: I have actually been to the wild west, cactus and mountains and grass, not er, er...


NP: Patrick?

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Patrick, 33 seconds left...

AM: I was just telling a lovely story, you know. Never mind!

PM: Well I'm sure you'll, I'm sure we can give you a chance later.

NP: The wild west starting now.

PM: The wild west is not nearly so wild as it used to be...


NP: Peter?

PJ: That's just what I said!

NP: Yes he can repeat what you said, but he can't repeat what he's said himself! That's...

PJ: But that's ridiculous! It's terribly boring! I mean it wasn't very interesting when I said it!

NP: I can assure you it's difficult enough to remember what you say yourself in this game but to try and remember what someone else has said as well...

PJ: But that's what he's done! He's obviously got a freakish memory!

NP: There are 31 seconds on the wild west with you Patrick starting now.

PM: Years ago, a long time before I myself was born, the west was indeed wild. There were red Indians maraudering about the landscape, firing arrows...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, there's no such word as maraudering.

NP: Marauding isn't it?

KW: Correct, precisely!

NP: Well done Kenneth...

KW: Very good! Thank you! You were quick on that! Very good!

PM: I shall remember that!

KW: That's good!

NP: There are 22 seconds left for the wild west Kenneth, with you, starting now.

KW: Howdy pardner! Howdy...


NP: Aimi?

AM: Repetition.

NP: Why?

AM: He said howdy twice.

NP: Yes I think he did.

KW: I said...

AM: You were going to say it!

KW: I did not! You weren't listening even you see! I said how are thee, and I was going on to say these things...

AM: Oh naughty!

KW: Things, on these things, I was actually going to say, because I was going on to say what are you doing in these parts, and I...

NP: Well we'll give you a chance...

KW: .. was going to say because I've got a rotten agent! Hahahahhahaha! What are you doing in these parts, you see!

NP: Well you're ruining it all for yourself, because you're giving your material away because you...

KW: Yes quite!

NP: I'd keep it for the show...

PJ: He's better off without it if you ask me!

NP: Kenneth you have 18 seconds left for the wild west starting now.

KW: Well you get your rodeos and the cowboys come out with the pantaloons and the sideburns...


NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: No decent cowboy would wear a pantaloon!

NP: I don't know, well, he might be an indecent cowboy! I think he could wear what he wished, they don't normally wear them, I know. But he wasn't deviating strictly from the subject, Peter. Kenneth you still have it and there are 11 seconds left starting now.

KW: And the idea is to tame these broncos, they're called broncos...


NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Repetition of bronco.

NP: Yes that's right Patrick, six seconds are left for the wild west starting now.

PM: Broncos did of course roam the wild lest a long time ago...


NP: Aimi Macdonald...

AM: He said the wild lest!

NP: He just couldn't believe it!

KW: It's short for the wild lest, coz Lester! The famous poet!

PM: That's the old Red Indian name for it!

KW: The old Red Indian name! Everyone knows! The wild lest, the wild lest!

NP: It wasn't, it was a poofy Red Indian who called it that! But Aimi, I don't think Patrick would use phrases like that so I agree with deviation and you have three seconds on the wild west starting now.

AM: There I was on this beautiful horse in a big...


NP: So Aimi Macdonald once again succeeded in speaking as the whistle went, having got in just before, and she's keeping her lead, our guest Aimi is two ahead of Patrick Moore and Kenneth Williams equal in second place. Kenneth will you begin the next round, the subject is Deedilus and you have 60 seconds on which to talk about it starting now.

KW: He was a curious creature, apparently Cretan, legend has it, and...


NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Deviation, he wasn't a creature, he was a man.

NP: Well, man is a creature...

PM: In some cases I would agree with you!

NP: Yes but it's a tough challenge when someone's only just started, so, no such...

PM: From an man who is as experienced and skilful as Kenneth!

KW: You're very kind!

PM: Thank you!

NP: I think it was too hard a challenge too soon, so I'm not going to allow it and Kenneth has 55 seconds to continue with Deedilus starting now.

KW: Well the thing we all remember about him is that he did fly over the Archipelago. And gave his son a pair of wings with which, this is to generalise...


NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: That's a lot of hesitation, he's trying to think what to say next, isn't he.

NP: No, I don't think so, I think he knows what to say next, but he hesitated...

AM: Yes he did.

NP: So you have the subject Aimi and there are 43 seconds on Deedilus starting now.

AM: I don't really know very much about Deedilus...


NP: Patrick?

PM: In that case you shouldn't be talking about it!

NP: She may not know much but she can still try and talk because that is the object of the game. So she got another point, and increases her lead and 40 seconds are left starting now.

AM: But I'm sure he was a very brave dashing young man...


NP: Peter Jones?

PJ: He wasn't so young.

NP: He must have been young once!

AM: He was young sometimes!

PJ: Well at some time everyone was.

NP: Yes, he was a dashing young man at one time, I'm sure he was and I'm sure Aimi was right in saying so. There are 35 seconds left on Deedilus, Aimi, starting now.

AM: How many seconds?

NP: Thirty-five.

AM: Oh, um, um...


NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I agree! Peter Jones you have the subject of Deedilus and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Deedilus virtually invented hang gliding! And he taught his son, but not well enough and he perished, Icarus, and that was the end of him. He was a young man, whereas the father was quite older.


NP: Kenneth challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree, yes. A good point to stop actually, you made your point...

PJ: It wasn't really a hesitation, it was just a virtual standstill!

NP: Which is equally culpable in this game, so Kenneth you have the subject and there are 17 seconds left for Deedilus starting now.

KW: The Cretan legend says that his son flew too near the actual sun itself, s-u-n you see because I've already mentioned the fact he was the issue from his loins, so I can't say that again, and it apparently melted the parchment...


NP: So Kenneth Williams got one of his favourite subjects back again and having started with it, finished with it, got the point for speaking as the whistle went and he has 11 points, and he's two behind Aimi Macdonald who now is on the magical number of 13. Patrick is trailing a little behind Kenneth and Peter Jones is trailing even more. Aimi we're round with you to start again and the subject is outstanding things in my life. You have 60 seconds to tell us about some of those starting now.

AM: Outstanding things in my life, I would say one of them must be my beautiful daughter, who is about 5 foot 6 and terribly intelligent.


NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: Well I think that was a hesitation.

NP: Yes I think she was waiting for a round of applause! She's got a belated one there! But we're delighted to know that your daughter's so intelligent, but we can all understand it actually, Aimi...

AM: Oh thank you!

NP: You hide it very well with your superb little girl act! And Patrick you have 49 seconds for the outstanding things in my life starting now.

PM: May I say at once I do not for one moment doubt that Aimi's daughter is extremely intelligent. This is not my intention...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Well the subject is the most outstanding things in his life, now he's discussing Aimi Macdonald's!

NP: I think that's a very good challenge, yes. So Kenneth you have the subject and there are 43 and a half seconds, the out... sorry, the outstanding things in my life starting now.

KW: The outstanding things in my life are headed of course, by my extraordinary talent! And people have said "you are a cult! You will attract people because they will say what a cult he represents....


PM: Repetition of cult.

NP: Yes, they do repeat the word rather a lot don't they! It's all very well being one cult, but being two I don't know! No that was repetition so Patrick you have the subject back again and there are 28 seconds, outstanding things in my life starting now.

PM: I suppose on serious and very sober reflection I may say that the greatest thing in my life if it were in any way possible, which I agree is certainly not, is...


NP: Kenneth Moore.

KM: Well, deviation...

NP: What made me say Kenneth Moore? Where did he come from, the recesses, the recesses of my fevered brain, I'm terribly sorry Kenneth! Mind you, you do like as handsome as Kenneth More, Kenneth Williams, that was probably the reason. So what's your challenge, Mr Williams?

KW: Well you see the subject is the most outstanding thing, is it not?

NP: Yes.

KW: And he said the greatest thing, now we're not discussing the greatest are we, we're discussing the most outstanding.


NP: Oh this is a, er...

PJ: Repetition of greatest!

NP: This is one of those er um philosophical arguments which we are er...

KW: No, it's up to you to decide and if you've got any intelligence you should be able to do it!

NP: I haven't so I'm going to put it to the audience! No, your challenge is deviation because you're talking about outstanding and he was talking about... well, some of the outstanding things in his life could be the greatest things in his life, so therefore he wasn’t deviating. He keeps the subject, there are 18 seconds left starting now.

PM: The most outstanding thing in my life would certainly have been to become a cult. I realise that this is an extremely difficult thing to do. These days people do not achieve this aim unless of course their name happens to be Kenneth Williams to who it can be extremely easy. This I appreciate. On the other hand if I were myself, setting out to achieve...


NP: Well there we are, Kenneth... no sorry, Patrick Moore finished with a flourish there, and he's also brought the programme to a finish with a flourish as you showed with your appreciation and applause because we have no more time and there's just time for me to give you the final score. Peter Jones, returning from his triumphs of last year on Just A Minute finished in fourth place. He gave his usual value but he was thumping under the table a lot which probably didn't help him win many points! Patrick Moore, returning from his triumphs did extraordinarily well, including that final flourish he's just spoken about and finished one point behind our joint winners, who were on that number of 13, Kenneth Williams alongside Aimi Macdonald, and what better pairing could you have!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.