JAM:PMerton,GBrandreth,KHesketh-Harvey,SKhorsandi
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, GYLES BRANDRETH, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY and SHAPPI KHORSANDI, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 August 2009)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you. Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners in this country, and around the world. But also to welcome to the programme this week four delightful, talented and humorous individuals who are going to play this amazing game. And they are seated on my right, Paul Merton and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And seated on my left, Gyles Brandreth and Shappi Khorsandi. Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them to speak on the subject that I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Sarah Sharpe, she is going to help me with the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And let's begin the show with Paul Merton. Paul, the subject here, we'd love to hear about, my hidden talent, 60 seconds starting now.

PAUL MERTON: I'm a born mimic. This is Alec Guinness in the film Kind Hearts To Coronets. (in Alec Guinness voice) My dear sir, the view from the west window has all the exuberance of Chaucer with none of the concomitant qualities of the period...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Gyles has challenged.

GYLES BRANDRETH: This isn't a hidden talent, it's an explicit and brilliant talent which we're all enjoying. Deviation, the man is a genius at mimickry!

PM: Can I just point out to the listeners at home, that was also me just then!

NP: Well that deserves a bonus point for that last remark of yours Paul. What is your challenge?

GB: That it was deviation from what's on the card which is my hidden talent. He was showing us one of his obvious talents.

NP: That's a clever challenge, isn't it Gyles. So we give you, we give you a point for a correct challenge, of course you keep, take over the subject, and there are um 47 seconds available, my hidden talent starting now.

GB: I had a French mistress at school, it was unusual for a boy of 14 to keep a woman, let a alone a foreigner. But my hidden talent is as a Lothario. As a lover, I am beyond compare, subtle, supple, beautiful in all that I do. The delicacy of my love making is something that is unknown...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I just panicked! I thought... he must be stopped! This is not a hidden talent, he's got illegitimate children all over London!

NP: But on the same basis that he had you, on the thing that you didn't hide your talent, you expressed it...

PM: Yeah!

NP: I gave that decision to him, I can give it to you now and say he didn't hide his talent...

PM: No he didn't.

NP: He expressed it all, didn't he.

PM: Yeah exactly! Yeah!

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: We're on the horns of a dilemna here. As soon as you reveal anything...

SHAPPI KHORSANDI: May I just say, at that point while Gyles was speaking, I was very conscious of the fact that I was the only woman on the panel that's playing the game, and it was very difficult for me to resist buzzing to say "liar!"

GB: No!

SK: I resisted.

GB: Can I say you can't resist buzzing while you're with me!

SK: Oh my Lord! I used to have your book when I was a kid!

GB: Oh yes yes, indeed I'm sure your analyst has been through it with you!

NP: Shappi...

KHH: Don't worry Shappi, Nicholas has been on the game for years and years and years!

NP: I know! Shappi we're going to give you a bonus point because we enjoyed what you just said. Paul you've got a point because it was an incorrect challenge and you take over the subject and it's my hidden talent and there are 29 seconds starting now.

PM: My hidden talent is mime. Have a look at this!

BUZZ

NP: Gyles you challenged.

GB: Hesitation, this is a word game, not television.

PM: I've been misinformed! I had my hair washed for this! I thought it was a hidden talent because it's mime on radio. So therefore it's hidden, so I would have thought that would have been all right.

GB: Oh!

KHH: Paul's the only one who's actually cracked this.

NP: Just listen for a minute, this is going to be the clever clever edition of Just A Minute.

KHH: Yeah it's getting very metaphysical!

NP: So Paul right, we give you a bonus point for what you just said, Gyles you had a correct challenge, 25 seconds, my hidden talent starting now.

GB: The Swiss kiss is a French one through which you yodel...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of French. We had French mistress.

NP: We had it before. Your French mistress.

SK: Yes you did have a French mistress.

SHOUTS OF "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Excuse me audience, those are the rules! Paul, well listened, you picked up correctly, 22 seconds available, another point to you of course, my hidden talent starting now.

PM: I dig tunnels under London. I've been doing this now for about 35 years. One of them was so successful it was eventually turned into an extension of the Jubilee Line. And I feel that this talent of mine is greatly hidden, because what I do, I start inside my house. I dig down...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: There was dig, reepetition of dig, two digs.

NP: Too much digging there.

KHH: He dig dig digged the whole day through, didn't he.

NP: So Kit you've got in with six secondss to go...

KHH: Good Lord!

NP: Tell us something about my hidden talent starting now.

KHH: Gordon Brown promised us a government of all the talents. He didn't say they would be so hidden as to be virtually undetectable...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gets an extra point. It was Kit Hesketh-Harvey then, he's got two points, so has Gyles, Shappi's got one, Paul's got four. Gyles will you begin the next round, the subject, foul play, 60 seconds starting now.

GB: I was a Member of Parliament but I want to make it absolutely clear to this audience that I am no longer an MP. And when I was I dug my own moat, and my wife paid for her own videos! The foul play that a month or two ago was exposed in the Palace of Westminster has shocked me to the core. Floating duck ponds, not foul play there because of course they are quacking creatures. I suppose I have to ask what has happened to the mother of all Parliaments. Because a tragic...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Parliaments.

GB: Parliaments and Parliament.

KHH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry yes, I beg your pardon.

NP: Yes a singular, explain to the listeners, will you...

KHH: Hoist by my own taxonomical petard.

NP: He said Parliament the first time, Member of Parliament, and now it's mother of all Parliaments. It's a, it's a little trick they play in Just A Minute and Kit...

KHH: Fell straight into the moat there!

NP: ... incorrect challenge, Gyles you still have ths subject, 32 seconds, foul play, starting now.

GB: Is Chicken Soup With Barley a fowl play, I ask myself, a piece by Arnold Wesker. Let me return to the true elements of foul play that have been exposed in our society in recent months. A shocking devestation of corrupt people, snouts in the trough! Abusing the taxpayer, behaving as though they were Members of the House of Lords!

BUZZ

KHH: We got House that time didn't we.

NP: Yeah Kit you challenged, yes?

KHH: House that time.

NP: He repeated house, house, Houses of Parliament, no, he said...

GB: No, Houses of Parliament, House of Lords.

KHH: He did it again!

NP: Houses of Parlianment and now the House of Lords.

KHH: I'm so sorry!

NP: No, don't apologise, darling, we love to hear from you. But it was an incorrect challenge, Gyles another point, foul play still with you Gyles, 11 seconds starting now.

GB: Oh Calcutta was a foul play but I rather enjoyed it because given my hidden talent as a sort of secret Lothario, when you go to something as randy and amusing...

BUZZ

NP: Shappi challenged.

SK: I'm sorry, just as I buzzed I realised that...

GB: I was talking?

SK: Yes I did realise you were talking...

GB: That's the effect I have on women.

SK: And also I remembered the rules of the game. Because I was going to pick you up on Lothario but you said that in a completely different um bit.

NP: That's right.

SK: Yes I just wanted to clarify that in case anyone thought...

NP: It was lovely to hear from you Shappi, don't worry...

SK: Thank you.

NP: But it was an incorrect challenge...

SK: Yes.

NP: Gyles has another point and three seconds, foul play starting now.

GB: Foul play is among the most horrific things that the world could ever know...

WHISTLE

NP: So Gyles Brandreth started with that subject, and in spite of many interruptions, finished with the subject. So he got points throughout the round as well as one for speaking as the whistle went. So he's now in the lead, ahead of Paul Merton and Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Shappi Khorsandi in that order. Shappi will you begin the next round, the subject, mummies. Will you tell us something about mummies in this game starting now.

SK: Yes, the mummies I am going to talk about are the mummies that aren't always wrapped up head to toe, and in a big box called the sarcophagus, I think. The mummies I am going to talk about are the ones that I have...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

SK: Talked, I talke twiced.

PM: It was the expression I am going to talk about.

NP: Going to talk about the mummies...

SK: Oh I am so sorry.

NP: Don't apologise, darling!

SK: Oh but I feel dreadful! I feel like I've let myself down and most of all, let the Government down, I feel...

NP: No, I don't think anybody could do that. So a correct challenge Paul and you have 50 seconds on mummies starting now.

PM: The 1932 film starring Boris Karloff called The Mummies typified the extent of how Hollywood looked towards these creatures. Egyptian originally, and they were wrapped up in these bandages. As a monster it's not particularly effective, because it moves very slowly. And what you want from somebody who is out to kill you, like Dracula, or somebody who is hired by the Crays...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: There were two somebodys I'm afraid.

NP: Two somebodys yes yes. Somebody's out to kill you, or somebody like. Right right Kit, that time you were right.

KHH: At last!

NP: Not a single and a plural, 31 seconds on mummies starting now.

KHH: It's an amazing image. Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon rolling aside the stone, peering in as the light shifts and hits... a peculiar corpse..

BUZZ

NP: Gyles.

GB: Hesitation.

NP: Well no, I think he was struggling a bit...

GB: Well that's what we call it!

KHH: I was...

NP: It was a bit of a slip on the word, but I don't think it was enough to be called hesitation.

GB: Fine.

NP: You have the benefit of the doubt Kit, another point, 23 seconds, mummies starting now.

KHH: I see wonderful things and through the moats of dust up rises Nicholas Parsons...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles you challenged.

GB: Crawling combined with oncoming hesitation.

PM: On, oncoming hesitation? That's a new one.

GB: You've tried that in your time Paul, don't tell me you haven't!

NP: Ah yes...

KHH: A Lothario speaks!

NP: I can't give you a point for crawling...

GB: No no.

NP: But...

KHH: I was going to be rather rude about you actually! It's the opposite of crawling, surely. Galloping, in fact.

NP: We don't know what you were going to say because it was ongoing, right. Gyles hesitation, point to you, 16 seconds, mummies starting now.

GB: I wish to speak of yummy mummies. In Kensington where I live, a creche is what happens when two cars collide...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is nobody safe? From Gyles's erotic ambitions?

NP: You can, were all these yummy mummies the result of him?

PM: Well we know where he's going with this, where he's going with everything else. If there's a nuclear explosion tomorrow and if there's one man left to populate the planet, let it be Gyles!

GB: Yes! Oh yes! When you get to my age, you'll feel like this too Paul! Look at Nicholas!

NP: Within the rules of Just A Minute, do you have a challenge?

PM: Yes, I can't remember what it was though.

NP: No.

PM: No I don't have a challenge.

NP: No you get a bonus point for your interruption, because it got a wonderful reaction. Gyles you were interrupted so you get a point, you still have 11 seconds, tell us something more about mummies starting now.

GB: Sex is what these mummies have their potatoes delivered in. They are charming people, very elegant, and they have their little pushchairs and push little children called Basil...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: There were two littles, little pushchairs and little children.

NP: Too many littles, yes.

GB: Blast!

NP: Little pushchairs and little things.

GB: Damn and blast.

NP: Kit you cleverly got in with two seconds to go...

KHH: Oh good!

NP: And it's still mummies starting now.

KHH: They've had their brains surgically removed through their noses.

WHISTLE

NP: So Kit Hesketh-Harvey speaking then as the whistle went, gained an extra point. He's now moved forward and he's equal with Paul in second place, jjust behind Gyles, and then comes Shappi Khorsandi. And Kit it's your turn to begin, the subject now is gap years. I imagine yours were quite a few years ago... you were looking at the audience, we feel there's quite a few gap years in the front here actually. Anyway, 60 seconds as usual, gap years Kit starting now.

KHH: This is very serendipitous. Only yesterday I was at Terminal Four at Heathrow to greet my son back from his gap year. A gap year is called that because you tour third world countries and see where cheap chain store clothing is made. You then go to a beach in Thailand, where you are so stoned your memory has an enormous gap in it, you don't know whether you're in Crapee or Phuket or Pipi or Poo.

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is Pipi repetition?

KHH: Oh no no! You might as well say Abis Ababa is a repetition of ba. Ba.

NP: It's spelt all as one word.

PM: Oh is it?

NP: Yes.

SK: Is it an actual place like..

NP: Yeah.

KHH: Oh yes.

SK: Oh I knew that and...

NP: It's got nothing to do with the show.

SK: And I knew that Timbuktu was a real place.

NP: That's right yes.

SK: I didn't know that till I was 26.

NP: So an incorrect challenge and you still keep the subject Kit and you have 37 seconds, gap years starting now.

KHH: In the grand old days of the tour when... ah ahhhhh...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles you got in first.

GB: Hesitation.

NP: That was a hesitation yes. Don't say it as if you are demanding it just...

PM: What's wrong with you today Gyles?

NP: Can you not enquire of the chairman, would you interpret that as hesitation.

GB: Oh I'm so sorry! Is that how it's done? I'm so sorry.

NP: Yes it is.

GB: My suggestion would be that there was some hesitation there.

NP: And I would agree with you Gyles.

GB: Thank you.

NP: It's nice to have it in a civilised way, isn't it! Right... Gyles, 33 seconds, gap years starting now.

GB: Mine was rather a sad gap year. I spent it at home in London living with my parents in a block of flats called Chilton Court above Baker Street Tube Station. Next door in that apartment was Hughie Green. Indeed if opportunity had knocked at a different address, I might have ended up as Peaches Geldof's great-uncle. Well this wonderful toastmaster and host of television programmes had a train set...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kit challenged.

KHH: Are we a long way from the gap year?

GB: No! I want to tell you that my gap year was spent with Hughie Green playing with his train set.

NP: I think we did establish and I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to Gyles...

KHH: Yes, okay, no that's fine, that's fine.

NP: I gave the benefit of the doubt to you last time, now to Gyles, 12 seconds Gyles, gap years starting now.

GB: It is a pathetic thing to be alone in the capital of the British Empire when all around you are other students of the same age...

BUZZ

NP: Shappi challenged.

SK: It's, there's no Empire any more.

GB: No, but this is a long time ago. I'm talking about my gap year, there was an Empire, oh yes!

SK: Okay.

GB: Oh yes in those days there was.

SK: I can't have been there to tell me...

GB: There was an Empire, there was a King...

SK: Oh no! I'm a bit nervous!

GB: There was a King, Empress...

SK: I've always wanted to ask you something Gyles.

GB: You can, 0-triple 7-312694!

PM: You'll find it in the more select phone boxes!

NP: Shappi what was your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

SK: Oh right, my challenge was that he said the capital of the British Empire...

NP: I know, I know.

SK: And I said it doesn't, it's not there

NP: The Empire did exist.

SK: It did exist. Wow!

GB: Yeah, yeah.

SK: I'd never have thought to look at you.

GB: I know, I know, that's very sweet as well.

SK: But what I wanted to ask you is, was the character of Stewie in Family Guy based on you? I've always wanted to know that!

NP: Well that's a visual question really and on television, on radio it doesn't come over very well. But we'll say no it wasn't, and give you a bonus point because we enjoyed your interruption, but Gyles has a point and six seconds on gap years starting now.

GB: The kit that you have to wear includes a rucksack and curious jeans that are frayed around the edge. As you set off for Victoria Station...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Gyles is steaming ahead. He said he only had three hours sleep last night, he works best on that, doesn't he. And he's got another point of course, speaking as the whistle went. With other points, he's increased his lead in other words. And back with you Paul, we'd like you to begin the next round, the subject, thick and fast. Who are we talking about here? Well the fast applies to Gyles but the thick doesn't. But anyway thick and fast is the subject Paul, 60 seconds starting now.

PM: Professional footballers are both thick and fast. If you look at them, because from the age of seven they start playing this particular game, and they're not interested in other aspects of life. And if they do succeed and end up playing for a top team, then every aspect of their existence is looked after. They don't contain their whole passports about them, they are told to go here and also... mentioned over there...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged first.

KHH: Very good but there was a bit of a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation.

KHH: I'm afraid, he was hamstrung by the rules of Just A Minute.

NP: So Kit you've got fast, sorry, thick and fast, 38 seconds starting now.

KHH: I always think that the audience at Top Gear is pretty thick and fast. You look at Jeremy Clarkson and the man with lots of hair and the little one who looks like a hamster with the big lima eyes. And you wonder why these people every week just go round and round... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Right Gyles?

GB: Is there a possibility that we had round and then the word repeated again a second time?

KHH: Yes it was an oncoming hesitation!

GB: He said round and then he hesitated.

KHH: It could have been roundabout!

GB: And I then pointed out he was about to say round and round and then came a hesitation.

NP: No what happened was Gyles...

GB: I tried to say it politely. I tried to say it as politely as I could, but my patience is wearing a bit thin!

NP: His intention was to repeat, but he didn't repeat and the whistle went before he actually repeated. That's the contention I'm making. And I was listening very acutely so I'm giving the benefit of the doubt again to you Kit...

KHH: How very kind.

NP: ... and saying that you have got 23 seconds...

KHH: Civility does pay, doesn't it!

NP: Thick and fast starting now.

KHH: Jodi Marsh, I think, is very thick and fast. And I have high hopes of Paris Hilton, although I've never actually met her. But Peter Andre, the male version of the species is discovering you cross the Jordan, and you're out as fast as you can say Pickford's!

BUZZ

NP: Gyles, right.

GB: I hesitate to say this but I sense there was hesitation.

KHH: There was a definite hesitation.

NP: So thick and fast with you Gyles, correct challenge, eight seconds starting now..

GB: Thick and fast, a wonderful double act. Great Vaudevillians from the Golden Age of music hall. Fast and thick was how they were correctly known and of course...

WHISTLE

NP: So Gyles is on a roll here. He's got more points including speaking for one as the whistle went and has increased his lead. And it's Kit Hesketh-Harvey in second place, then Paul Merton and then Shappi Khorsandi. And Shappi Khorsandi, it is your turn to begin. This subject should have gone to Gyles, anger management! So will you start talking on anger management Shappi, starting now.

SK: A woman got on the Tube yesterday with me and it was a very crowded carriage and she was very very...

BUZZ

SK: Ohhhhhh!

NP: That's...

SK: I'm now very angry and I need some management!

NP: Right so Gyles, 54 seconds, anger management starting now.

GB: Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! This is the Buddhist way...

BUZZ

NP: Shappi you challenged.

SK: Sorry that's not a word.

GB: Yes it is. It is I'm sorry.

SK: I realise that...

GB: It's Indian and in do-it-yourself Buddhism, it's almost the first word.

NP: Shappi there was a repetition, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

SK: Yes I thought so. I thought, I thought that, that...

GB: It's a single sound.

SK: I once met a Buddhist and it's an octave lower!

GB: The Buddhist I met arrived on a bicycle.

NP: Shappi I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say right, correct challenge, and 52 seconds, tell us, take up your story now, gird your loins as they say, and go into anger management, and 52 seconds starting now.

SK: When I met a very angry person...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well you deliberately said very again.

SK: I did.

NP: Oh yes.

SK: You know...

NP: Paul a correct challenge, 49 seconds, tell us something about anger management starting now.

PM: In this day and age it is very easy to get wound up by the vissicitudes of society. Why, I was only travelling on public transport the other day and I looked around at my fellow passengers. And I could see that a lot of them were were experiencing...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Repetition of were.

NP: Oh yes he did say were were, that's right, 35 seconds, anger management is with you Kit starting now.

KHH: Somebody once said it is practically impossioble to feel anger whilst looking at a penguin. So I suggest we all decamp from here, Gyles in particular and go to...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well say you're a penguin...

KHH: Yes.

PM: And you're another penguin.

KHH: Yes.

PM: And you're on my patch. And I look at you and go errrrrrr like that. I'm just, you know, I'm getting angry at a penguin.

KHH: That's the hole in the argument which I hadn't foreseen, you're quite right.

PM: Yeah.

KHH: I don't know if it applies to other penguins. I think they were talking about people.

PM: Ah but you weren't sure, I wasn't clear.

KHH: I should have made that clearer.

PM: I immediately saw myself as a penguin, seeing you as a King penguin.

KHH: Oh thank you.

PM: Yes.

KHH: An Emperor penguin!

PM: Well let's not go too far! The Emperor is sitting over there, behind you.

NP: Kit, 26 seconds for you, anger management starting now.

KHH: Like Dusty Springfield, I close my eyes and count to 10 and think of Marcus Aurelius who said that the consequences of anger are so much worse than the causes. This is an educational thought and I'm turning back into the vicar now, aren't I!

BUZZ

NP: Shappi challenged.

SK: You turned back into the vicar.

KHH: Yeah I did.

NP: And that was a hesitation.

KHH: Deviation.

NP: Shappi, 12 seconds, tell us something more, and don't say very this time.

SK: No I won't. I'm, I'm not going to say anything! Then I'll win!

NP: No no no, anger management, 12 seconds starting now.

SK: When someone was shouting at me very...

BUZZ

NP: Ah!

SK: It's up! It's a syndrome!

NP: It's a syndrome!

SK: It's a syndrome!

NP: Right, who buzzed first?

PM: I...

NP: Kit your light came on first... no, it didn't, Paul's...

KHH: No...

NP: Paul's...

PM: There was unfortunately um...

NP: There was.

PM: If the subject was very, it would be really good!

NP: Paul you had a correct challenge...

PM: Yes.

NP: Nine seconds, anger management starting now.

PM: Very veries are the very...

BUZZ

NP: You said very veries didn't you.

PM: I did.

NP: You did right, and Gyles has got very sharp ears, but picks up it before you got to the S. Right, it's a further incorrect challenge and Paul, another point to you, seven seconds, anger management starting now.

PM: I've got a photograph of Gyles Brandreth in my living room which I punch, and it gets rid of my anger management and I feel fantastic! I love him of course...

WHISTLE

NP: So as we move into the final round, let me tell you that Gyles is still in the lead, he's about three ahead of Paul Merton, and he's about four ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey, and he's about five or six ahead of Shappi Khorsandi. So Kit it's your turn to begin, so you start with now, tell us something about the Tate, 60 seconds starting now.

KHH: Rather like the television series, The Apprentice, it's founded on sugar. There was a Victorian philanthropist who endowed a palace on the north bank of the Thames and filled it with contempoary art. Curiously enough, my bottom is hanging in the Tate, this is gospel truth. While I was a very calupigenous student at university, a photographer came and made an installation of my naked bottom which was rapidly...

BUZZ

KHH: I've said bottom twice, haven't I! There are two cheeks!

PM: Yeah, there was a repetition of bottom.

NP: There was a bottom...

GB: Yes there was.

NP: Yes, there was a bottom, but Paul's light came on a fraction before yours. Infintesimal, they almost caught up...

GB: I thought you'd pulled out the plug! I understand, it's fine.

NP: Can you see the lights from there?

PM: Don't give him a temptation.

NP: Paul you have 37 seconds on the Tate starting now.

PM: The Tate, what a magnificent building, nestling by the banks of the river Thames. I saw mod... norrrrrr...

BUZZ

PM: That was the name of the exhibitor. He's a Norwegian artist.

GB: I would describe that as hesitation.

NP: Yes right, you were correct.

PM: Mod norrrr is a Norwegian artist, he's one of the great 21st century installation artists.

NP: That's right.

PM: Mod norrrrr... you never heard of him?

NP: No we haven't and nor has the rest of the audience.

PM: Well...

NP: Anybody heard of him?

SHOUTS OF "YES" AND "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Somebody said yes! She said yes!

NP: They'll say anything to get you Paul. Right Gyles, correct challenge, 31 seconds, the Tate starting now.

GB: Ladies and gentlemen if you are wondering why I am here, then already we have something in common. My presence is accounted for by the fact that I am the world authority on the Tate Gallery. This comes as a result of knowing the great-grand-daughter Harriet Tate of the founder's line. She was known as Hattie Tate...

BUZZ

KHH: Oh shhhhhhhhh I've done it again, it's turning into a pattern now, isn't it.

NP: Yeah right, you thought he repeated Tate and...

KHH: No I thought he repeated know and known, yes.

NP: Oh right yes. Gyles, 13 seconds, the Tate starting now.

GB: On the first floor of the Tate Gallery you find...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of gallery.

KHH: Well done!

NP: You mentioned, you mentioned the gallery before. I should explain to our listeners I got a look of absoloute disdain and despair from Gyles as if to say "how dare you"! Well I have to dare on occasions.

PM: You do, don't you.

NP: Right, and Paul, 10 seconds, tell us something more about the Tate starting now.

PM: I walked around this huge cavernous hall...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: Earlier he referred to the building as being a huge one on the south bank.

NP: That's right.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yeah huge, repetition of huge.

GB: Repetition of huge rather as though there was a repetition of gallery.

PM: Gyles, I get the feeling that if you didn't win this week's show, you might kill yourself! And I, I couldn't have that on my hands!

NP: No so he has seven seconds to tell us something about the Tate starting now.

GB: My favourite painter is...

BUZZ

NP: Paul?

PM: Hesitation I'm afraid!

NP: No, that's right.

PM: Oh for the look of death! I'm not the only one surely. There's a gang of us in the car park!

NP: It's an incorrect challenge Gyles, you get another point and siz seconds starting now.

GB: The pre-Raphaelites are among the most remarkable artists whose collection of work is now symbolised...

WHISTLE

NP: So I said that was to be the last round and it's finished up as you can probably guess. Shappi came in a magnificent fourth place, she really did... there you are! She hasn't played the game as much as the others but her contribution was invaluable and charming and sexy as well...

SK: Oh my God!

NP: And in third place was Kit Hesketh-Harvey, was less sexy. Paul Merton, there was a touch of sex in there.

PM: What's he going to say about Gyles?

NP: Well Gyles emphasised sex all through the show in his speeches and he came out on top with more points than anyone else. Great contribution! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Gyles Brandreth and Shappi Khorsandi. I thank Sarah Sharpe who has helped me with the score, blown her whistle so elegantly, when the 60 seconds were up. We thank our producer Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here in the Radio Theatre who have cheered us onj our way. So from the audience, from me, Nicholas Parsons, and the team, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC