WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, PETER JONES, JANET BROWN and MAGNUS PYKE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 November 1976)
NOTE: Janet Brown's first appearance, Magnus Pyke's first appearance.
ANNOUNCER: We present Janet Brown, Peter Jones, Dr Magnus Pyke and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Well as you just heard we have two of our regular competitors in the game, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams. And we're delighted to welcome two guests, neither of whom have played the game before which is quite an ordeal, Janet Brown and Dr Magnus Pyke. We wish them the best of luck. And as usual we're going to ask them all if they can talk for Just A Minute on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show with Peter Jones. Peter, the subject is keeping fit. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
PETER JONES: Well an awful lot of rubbish is talked about keeping fit and I don't want to willingly add to it. But I must say I hate all these mechanical aids like rowing machines and similar contrivances, bicycles, which people have to work on in order to lose weight. Now if they would only run round the block, or make the beds, or scrub the floors, it wouldn't be necessary to do that. I think also that a day in bed...
NP: Magnus Pyke you...
MAGNUS PYKE: Well could I say that if you were already thin and you lose weight, you wouldn't get fit, you would get unfit. So that it might be considered to be whatever it is if you...
PJ: What is the challenge Pyke?
NP: What is the challenge?
MP: I would think it would be deviation, er deviation...
NP: Deviation, yes that's right. You must not be intimidated by them, they attack! They never give any quarter in this game.
MP: Well I don't want to be rude but I did...
NP: You must be rude to play the game.
MP: Well if that's what you say...
NP: So Magnus you weren't being rude but you had a good challenge for which you get a point...
MP: Oh I get a point do I?
NP: Yes you get a point and you also take over the subject...
PJ: You're encouraging him you know!
MP: Hang on, when do I start?
NP: When I say now...
MP: Righto, yes I'll start now, yes...
NP: No, when I say now, not when you say now. I will tell you first that you have 35 seconds in which to continue and you start now.
MP: Well I don't like people who keep fit either because they tend to be so boring! They're thinking about themselves! And that could be described, could it not, yes it could, as onpholoscophy. Now this particular word means regarding ones navel. And this is a very inelegant posture in which to be. Now you might say fit for what? It's no good getting fit for golf by doing some things and if you say fit for this you might be...
NP: You should be, oh can I stop you?
MP: Have I finished?
NP: No, no, you haven't finished, no, no, you've been challenged.
PJ: Hesitation. Definitely hesitating!
MP: I was going on a bit about golf!
NP: You did hesitate between two words but it wasn't as long as anybody else I've ever known talk. So we er we don't give it to you. Therefore you had an incorrect challenge, you get another point for that...
MP: Oh good! I've got two now then!
NP: Yes you've got two yes. Don't keep the score until the end or otherwise it's not worth thinking about. There are two points now to you and you still have the subject, you have 13 seconds starting now.
MP: Well keeping fit could be described and also be applied to thinking. If you want to keep fit in your thinking, you just sit in your, oh I've done thinking twice have I?
MP: Oh well all right then...
NP: No, yes. May I give you a tip?
NP: Don't remind them if you make a mistake because they might forget it or might not notice it. Just keep going willy nilly.
MP: Did they notice it?
NP: They did I'm afraid.
MP: Oh I'm sorry. Well I did say thinking twice yes.
NP: Peter Jones challenged you. What was your challenge?
PJ: Er repetition, hesitation, deviation?
NP: I will accept one. Which one do you want to give me?
PJ: Well um hesitation.
NP: There was no hesitation!
MP: I was going...
PJ: The problem is he hesitated because he apologised for saying thinking twice!
NP: He was not hesitating. He was repeating himself. So Magnus you still have the subject...
PJ: Have you got a bet on him or something?
NP: Five seconds left Magnus starting now.
MP: Well when I lived in Scotland I used to keep fit by riding a bicycle furiously for five miles and getting absolutely nowhere...
NP: Well as you probably know Ian Messiter blows a whistle at the end of 60 seconds and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And I don't need to remind you it was Dr Magnus Pyke and probably I don't need to remind you that he's got all the points in that round. The first time he's ever played the game! He's got a lead of four over everybody else at the end of the first round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. The subject: winning ways. For the listeners at home I must explain that Kenneth is getting in the mood for the subject by illustrating his, his, his absolutely fantastic profile to the audience to get in the mood for winning ways, 60 seconds,
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well as you can see I've obviously got winning ways. It can be a reference to personality and getting exactly what you want out of life. Or we can think of Fleischman's incredible plan! Or the strategy of Wellington at Waterloo! Winning ways indeed! On the other hand you could ask yourself could this not be equally applied to Epsom Downs? Hasn't there been some winning ways there? Ah I see you nodding your head in agreement madam! Be careful, it may fall off! But when you come right down to it, it is personality. And personality as Emerson...
NP: Janet Brown has challenged.
JANET BROWN: Well he has repeated the word personality.
NP: He did indeed Janet. Well listened! And you're best to watch him too!
JB: Oh yes!
JB: I'm so taken up with the performance I've forgotten everything!
NP: I know! I'm afraid he's taken up with his own performance at the moment! Kenneth you're rather overacting at the moment! Janet you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that...
JB: Oh thank you!
NP: ... and you have 12 seconds left to continue, not continue, to take up the subject winning ways starting now.
JB: Winning ways is something I've always been interested in. Because every day walking along the street you generally meet someone with a smile on their face. Good smiles... oh dear!
NP: No, I'm sorry! Kenneth challenged! Kenneth you got in just before the whistle. What was it?
KW: Well there seemed to be a long hesitation, an oh dear.
NP: There was, there was indeed. Jan I'll give you the same advice I gave Magnus...
NP: If you slip up, don't draw their attention, keep going...
JB: Keep going!
NP: You may bluff your way through!
NP: I'm afraid Kenneth got in with half a second to go with a hesitation. A point to you Kenneth, winning ways, starting now.
KW: You see that's a mark...
KW: Don't you see? I've got one!
KW: Yes I think that's established hasn't it! That's established that I've got the mark hasn't it! How many have I got there?
KW: And that puts me in the lead?
NP: No you're exactly half as many as Magnus Pyke.
NP: Janet's got one, Peter Jones is yet to score. Magnus Pyke will you take the next round. The subject that Ian Messiter's thought up for you is magnet... oh no! Magnet oh hydrodynamics. Magnet ho?
IAN MESSITER: Magnethohydronamics.
NP: Oh magnethohydrodynamics! Magnus...
KW: Marvelous isn't it when the chairman can't even pronounce it!
NP: You try and read it for the first time! Let's see if Magnus Pyke can pronounce it. Magnethohydrodynamics, there are 60 seconds, starting now.
MP: Well this is an example of a compound word. And you get many of these in science. For example, I'll give you an example, comp, adadadadee, DNA is denoxide chluro acid and that's an example. Pseuno clorina is vitamin B 12 which prevents you getting vernicious bulimia if you don't have any of it. Dopar the oxifemel alamein is what makes a dog have black spots on it, gangrene in the middle of it. And then we go on and we have mono amein oxidation imitis. Now these are present, you take them when you get melancholia...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged you, Peter Jones challenged you.
PJ: Well I challenged because I was afraid he might not last the distance!
NP: So what was your challenge?
PJ: Well he did repeat one or two things earlier on which I overlooked you know in a burst of generosity. I think peculiar or particular or something he repeated.
NP: Yes he was a little repetitious and er Peter...
PJ: On the other hand I don't particularly want to talk about er...
KW: You've got it now mate! Go on Nick! Go on!
NP: You've hoisted yourself on your own magnethohydrodynamics!
KW: That's right Nick! Show your authority! Go on Nick!
NP: Don't be filthy please! There are 26 seconds left Peter on magnethohydrodynamics and you start now.
PJ: When my mother taught me about this subject...
MP: Oh wait a minute!
NP: Magnus you challenged.
MP: Yes there was a lot of hesitation, he said his mother told him about it and then he sort of hesitated.
NP: Oh no! No there wasn't!
MP: You don't think so?
NP: There was just a natural pause, no more than yours.
PJ: Has he had a stimulus of some kind?
NP: I don't know, I think he's...
PJ: He's very quick off the mark!
NP: Yes he's very quick off the mark, he's very good in this game. There are 20 seconds left Peter, a wrong challenge, you have a point for that, magnethohydrodynamics, starting now.
PJ: She explained to me that she didn't really know very much about it. She had a friend in Beckawalah Land, a pen friend I should have said who was corresponding with her and these tragic lines that she wrote when she came to the end of her entire knowledge of this subject which was extremely disappointing for...
NP: So the subject that Peter Jones didn't want of magnethohydrodynamics gave him a considerable number of points and he's taken the lead at the end of that round. He's one ahead of our authority, Magnus Pyke.
MP: I'm sorry about that because I was going to tell you a lot about hydrodynamics. It's very interesting, how one little fellow with his finger can raise a whole motor car. But I can't tell it to you now because...
PJ: And one little fellow with his buzzer can stop you dead!
MP: You have a point there, yes!
NP: That's what the game's all about. Janet Brown, your turn to begin, the subject's rushes. There are 60 seconds in which to talk about it starting now.
JB: Rushes, the word itself...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Hesitation I'm afraid.
NP: You rotten, you rotten so and so!
JB: I didn't hesitate! I was drawing breath!
NP: You've just joined the game! It's the first time you've been with us! You're sitting there looking sunburnt and lovely! And that ruffian beside you dares to challenge!
NP: If you did that to him he would almost clock you one!
JB: Give us a chance!
NP: There are 58 and a half seconds Janet to talk about rushes, having got a point for a wrong challenge, starting now.
JB: Well the word itself conjures up so many memories to me. In fact in the words of Hilda Baker I would say "oh it fills me with neuralgia". You see when I was a small child my joy in life was to be taken to Norfolk. And there, there we would find ourselves holidaying....
MP: You said there, there, you said that!
JB: I beg your pardon?
MP: There, there! There, there, there...
NP: That's right.
JB: Yes well I like the word!
NP: But it was a correct challenge Magnus yes. And you have 43 seconds on rushes starting now.
MP: It's a curious thing, they attract greenfly or flies. But what I really want to tell you is I was in Scotland. When they make the Enza whiskey casks they actually put rushes between the boards and it stops the whiskey seeping out. I always thought that was a very interesting...
MP: ... and I remember it was...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Whiskey was mentioned twice
NP: Oh yes you did, you repeated whiskey!
MP: Oh did I? But it's an interesting point isn't it? Very interesting! About the casks!
NP: Thirty seconds for you Kenneth on rushes starting now.
KW: When my closeups come up in the rushes they say as the nostrils come into view, "oh it's the Blackball Tunnel again". And moan...
NP: Janet Brown has challenged.
JB: He hesitated! Blackball Tunnel again, then he started.
NP: No, no, he was taking breathbecause the audience were astounded.
JB: Oh I must...
KW: Miss Sharp straight out of tonight's box, isn't it!
NP: Well she hasn't played before, she is trying very hard.
JB: Well I had to get back somewhere!
NP: No Janet I disagree with that, no good, no, not that one, 18 seconds are left for rushes with you Kenneth starting now.
KW: The strange thing about them is that we have to sit and watch them apropos dubbing! Now this is an incredibly difficult process. One to which no great artist, like myself, should be there and subjected. Of course...
NP: Well we have an interesting situation at the end of that wound. Kenneth not only got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. He got others in the round. And he's now equal in the lead with Magnus Pyke and Peter Jones. Janet Brown is a little way behind. Peter Jones, back with you. The subject is hard lines. Would you talk about that in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Hard lines are those things that appear around your mouth and eyes as you go on in life getting more worried and unhappy and tense. And I notice Janet Brown said earlier that she walked along the street and she always saw one person who was smiling which does strike me as a pretty good average really, particularly if you confine your walks to the west end of London. Because it's quite possible...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Yes! I've got awfully bored by all this rubbish! I think I should come in there you know and I should say something.
NP: So what is your challenge?
KW: Well I am, boredom, I'm bored.
NP: That's not one of the penalties in this game. You can't...
NP: ... be challenged for boredom. You can be as boring as you like but...
PJ: As well you know! And have demonstrated very often!
NP: The subject's still with you Peter, hard lines. And there are 39 seconds left starting now.
PJ: Tram lines are some of the hardest lines it's possible to find apart from the railway variety. And they go around in Glasgow, I think. Are there still trams? I'm not sure.
MP: I think they've done anyway with them now.
NP: Magnus has challenged.
MP: Yeah, they've done away with them.
NP: They've done away with them, yes, I was up there quite recently.
MP: I just wanted to say something rather interesting about the wrinkles he was talking about before.
NP: You have a chance now.
NP: There are 29 seconds for you Magnus having got a correct challenge. Take up the subject of hard lines starting now.
MP: The hard lines on your face are to do with wrinkles which is to do with senility. As you get older you get smaller and your skin gets bigger. And you can tell how old you are by lifting up a piece of skin like that and the length of time it takes to go down...
MP: You see it takes a very long time with me because I'm quite old. If you're young it goes down ping! Just like that! It's very interesting how hard lines disappear.
MP: When you're young...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you three times.
MP: Good! Well it's an interesting matter isn't it?
KW: Yes absolutely fascinating but you did say skin twice.
MP: You can see the ladies in the audience picking up their skin and letting me see. And you can tell if you have a girl, if she's not as young as she might be if she goes down very slowly she's much older than you...
PJ: Yes, with horses you look at the teeth!
MP: Yes but I so seldom go out with a horse!
NP: With a horse you put your teeth into your skin. Um, Kenneth you have a correct challenge and there are 13 seconds on hard lines starting now.
KW: These were given to me at schools by masters who said I was not comporting myself, not studying in the correct fashion. And so I was made to write out hard lines, day in...
NP: Well Kenneth Williams has increased his lead at the end of that round. He's now one ahead of Peter Jones and Magnus Pyke. And Janet Brown's in the same position.
JB: Ah yes.
NP: And Kenneth we're back with you to begin, the subject is Pyramus. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: Well of course we all know about this from the play by William Shakespeare. That incredible scene with Bottom and his friends who re-enact this charming old story. It actually had its birth in the east and tells of this young Babylonian who was hopelessly in love with Thisbee. And they could only excahnge vows between the walls of adjoining houses, talking through a chink. But arranged conspiratorially to meet by the Tomb of Nimeth under the Mulberry Tree which was white. Thereafter followed the most strange saga! For Pyramus arrived first and saw this lion which was holding a feet...
KW: I meant, I meant, I meant, I meant to get to the point where the mulberry tree turned red beacuse it turns red after that...
NP: We were all holding our breath at the end wondering if you'd make it before you collapsed at the wicket perhaps!
KW: But the whole point of that was to tell them that the mulberry tree after the murder, I mean not the murder, the suicide, went red. And thereafter the mulberry fruit has always been red you see. That's the explanation of the myth and it's a charming, it's like the echo I'm in love with, the boy you know, Narcissus, wasting away because he fell in the water you know. And in the wasting away only the voice was left! So when the voice comes back to you that's disembodied today you still say echo. You use a word from Greek mythology to describe a modern state. Which is extraordinary like the Oedipus complex. It's extraordinary that in our 20th century position we use words from an age...
NP: You know, Kenneth...
KW: Yes you're interested too, yes, I knew you were!
NP: You know I'll tell you something, you're much better when you're not playing the game! Congratulations, you're now in an even stronger lead. Magnus back with you Magnus Pyke. The international candle.
MP: Yes.The international candle.
NP: That's the subject yes.
MP: That's what you want me to talk about?
NP: Because that's the subject yes, I would like you to talk about it.
MP: Right, tell me when you want me to start and I'll tell you about the international candle.
NP: I will yes. Are you ready?
MP: Well more or less yes.
NP: Have you got your breath?
MP: Yes, I think so.
NP: Good. Right, you start now.
MP: Well the international candle is a way of measuring illumination and funnily enough the light you see is different whether you look at it with your eyeball or with a photoelectric circ. And then there is the pakinchi effect. You mustn't forget about that which shows that when you look at different colours you see them in different illuminations. And wait a minute! I've got some more things in my notes here.
MP: Oh yes. Carrots, carrots, carrots, I want to outline this because carrots are...
NP: I'm sorry, it's too late Magnus.
MP: Oh is it?
NP: Yes, so while...
MP: There was an interesting bit about that.
NP: While you're referring to your mental notes...
MP: Well I used to eat carrots before I went out shooting down bombers because...
NP: Yes I know. I believe during the war it was thanks to you, you started that...
MP: Well there was something but maybe I'll get back, who has got the point now?
NP: Your colleague beside you, Peter Jones.
PJ: Well I think so, I, I, came to the conclusion he was hesitating because he used the phrase, wait a minute.
MP: Well it just slipped out.
NP: I think you made your point Peter.
PJ: Thanks very much.
NP: I give you the challenge and a point and 38 seconds, the international candle, starting now.
PJ: Well the international candle is red, white and blue at one end. I don't know...
MP: Oh, no, no, no! That's not right!
NP: Magnus what is your challenge? You challenged.
MP: I think that's a deviation and an inaccuracy too.
NP: But his international candle may be red, white and blue at one end.
MP: But isn't it a defining thing that you get out of a textbook, notout of...
NP: Well in my world of knowledge it is, and obviously in yours. There's no doubt in that. But in Peter's, if he can sustain this particular point, he's got another 31 seconds in which....
MP: Oh well, I wouldn't press the point!
NP: ... to do it starting now.
MP: Carry on!
PJ: It's probably on sale... Are we ready?
PJ: It's probably on sale in Hong Kong, that great melting pot where all the countries...
MP: If it was in a melting pot the candle would have melted and we wouldn't have it.
NP: Oh we give you a point for a very good challenge on that...
MP: Oh thank you.
NP: ... but he wasn't actually deviating from the, his international candle, not the international candle. he has 22 seconds to continue starting now.
PJ: No doubt all the various...
MP: Very well, it's like this you see, when you look...
NP: No, no, I'm sorry...
MP: Oh I'm so sorry.
PJ: That's quite all right. I do understand.
NP: You got a bonus point...
MP: Oh I thought...
NP: ... for a good challenge but I left the subject with Peter.
MP: Oh I didn't understand you.
NP: No, I know you didn't.
MP: I got a bit con...
PJ: You're being very fair to him I think Nicholas.
MP: I'm still trying to get back with these carrots.
PJ: Yes I know you are. Yes, it's Mohammad Ali and Norton all over again!
NP: So Peter's now reeling on the ropes a little and he has 19 seconds on the international candle starting now.
PJ: These various people all probably make suggestions about ways in which it could be altered and adapted to their own use in their own various countries.
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Their own twice, I think.
NP: Yes you're right Kenneth. There are 10 seconds...
PJ: That was a three letter word!
NP: I know but...
PJ: I know! He's desperate!
KW: Do I look desperate?
NP: Always! Ten seconds Kenneth, the international candle, starting now.
KW: This is something about which Dr Magnus Pyke obviously knows more than anybody else on this stage...
NP: Janet Brown.
JB: He repeated the word this twice.
NP: Oh well we don't actually bother too much with this...
JB: Oh we don't?
NP: No, no, no. I know Peter said a three letter word but own is a very positive word. This we occasionally let them...
PJ: Own is a positive word and this...
NP: But as it was an accurate challenge...
PJ: I want to get it right! I want to get it right! Own is a positive word and this isn't? Is that right?
KW: Don't you start! Look here!
PJ: Is that right?
KW: This chairman is a marvelous chairman and a fair chairman. You'd go a long way to find his equivalent!
KW: He's got a drink of water now! Look!
NP: Janet it was a correct challenge...
JB: Ah yes.
NP: And as you brought our attention to it I have to award it to you and tell you that you have three seconds to take up the international candle starting now.
JB: I feel that Kenneth Williams is absolutely right in his...
MP: I'm sorry about that! You missed a very nice bit about haemaralopia that I was going to tell you about if I got back in again.
NP: Oh I only had that recently.
MP: No, no, it has to do with not eating enough carrots in the early night and going blind. But no matter! Perhaps I can bring it in in a later question.
PJ: Well I shan't stop you and I don't think the chairman's likely to!
NP: The next subject's the Loch Ness Monster. You might be able to work it in there somewhere. But...
PJ: Yes, why not?
NP: This is the sad thing about this game Magnus. If you lose the subject which is obviously your own personal subject, you don't bring out some gems that you would love to impart to us all. Alas you were thwarted there. Kenneth has got another point, he's increased his lead. And the situation's the same, then Peter Jones, then Magnus Pyke, then Janet Brown. And Janet back with you to begin. The subject, as I said, the Loch Ness Monster. Sixty seconds, starting now.
JB: The Loch Ness Monster. Now this always brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Partly because being Scottish and living most of my early years in Scotland, I remember very clearly sitting in the kitchen one day when my mother said to me, "if you don't eat your porridge I will see that the Loch Ness Monster bites your head off!" That scared the wits out of me. I thought to myself "yes I must do, I must consider the plateful in front of me and I simply must keep going". Well of course my mother was very right in the way that she conducted herself and naturally I became very fearful of the fact that if the Loch Ness Monster did get hold of me, I would be left lying on the floor headless!This was something I simply would not have enjoyed because no longer could I tackle the porridge. This of course began...
MP: Oh wait a minute! She said porridge twice!
NP: Yes but you didn't challenge.
MP: But I just pressed the buzzer!
NP: Peter's light came on, that meant he challenged first I'm afraid.
MP: Did you? You're very quick!
PJ: Well thank you very much.
MP: What's that?
PJ: Porridge. It wasn't very quick but it was quicker than him!
NP: Yes because she had said it three times before.
PJ: I know yes. I let the first porridges go past.
NP: I know...
JB: But as the chairman are you on my side really? Bringing up these little...
PJ: Yes are you on side?
NP: When you repeat one or two things more than once I count, yes.
JB: I know so little...
NP: I want you to continue because I thought you were about to rival Magnus Pyke in the pace of your delivery.
JB: It's very difficult isn't it? I mean when it's my first time.
JB: Yes I mean they go very fast, don't they?
NP: You've got all the sympathy of the audience but I'm afraid I have to be fair to Peter. It was a...
PJ: I think you do terribly well Nicholas, because I would like to take this oppotunity of saying that. I think you try to be unfair to everybody equally!
NP: Peter you have 16 and a half seconds on the Loch Ness...
PJ: How many?
NP: Sixteen and a half.
NP: On the Loch Ness Monster, if you can stand the strain!
NP: Starting now.
PJ: I think of the still unquiet ride of... no er...
MP: Oh he said er then.
JB: He has said er.
NP: You must press the buzzer! If you want to get in Magnus you must press your buzzer!
MP: Yes I do because I had something interesting to say about Scottish tourism, but never mind!
NP: I'm afraid Janet got in first...
MP: How much is there longer now?
NP: It was devestating I must say! Janet the subject is the Loch Ness Monster, 11 seconds, starting now.
JB: The first day that I was asked to go on location and I said "where is it going to be?" they said "Loch Ness". Well I was absolutely amazed! I thought here is my childhood coming back to me once again. perhaps this time I...
NP: Well Janet Brown got the Loch Ness Monster back again...
JB: Oh dear!
JB: I just said oh dear!
NP: Janet Brown got the Loch Ness Monster back again. She got a point for speaking when the whistle went and we have no more time so I'll now give you the final score. It was a very close contest. Magnus Pyke and Janet Brown playing the game for the first time against these two experienced... what shall I call them.... troubadors and competitors...
NP: Exponents of the game anyway. They came equal which is very fair in third place, but only three points behind Kenneth Williams who slipped at the post. Peter Jones got in and by one point he is our winner this week, Peter Jones. we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.