starring DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and FRED MacAULAY chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 January 1996)

NOTE: Fred MacAulay's first appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute.


NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four talented players who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back two regular players of the game, Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones. And on the other side of the stage someone who's played the game many times before and someone who has never played it before, that is Tony Hawks and Fred MacAulay. Will you please welcome all four of them. Beside me sits Liz Trott who is going to keep the score and blow her whistle when 60 seconds are up. And as usual I'm going to ask our panelists to speak in turn if they can on a subject that I will give them. And they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. This particular recording of Just A Minute is coming from the delightful Civic Hall in Ayr. And Derek Nimmo who's going to begin the show has got a very apt subject to start with. It is Ayr. Derek will you tell us something about Ayr in 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Appropriately enough I came to Ayr by air today. I started out at 1600 hours yesterday, Saturday, in Mexico city and then flew across the gulf of Mexico to...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TONY HAWKS: Ah, repetition of Mexico.

NP: Yes you had two Mexicos.

DN: Well I was there quite a long time.

NP: Tony you have a correct challenge of repetition and you take over the subject. You get a point for that and you have 48 seconds starting now.

TH: Ayr is a simply wonderful place. That's why there are so many songs written about it. Like Sometimes All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe or We're Walking In The Air. These are marvellous tributes to a place which has pleased me for many years. I've driven here on.. oh!


NP: Yes, all that ingratiating twaddle!

TH: Yeah I can only lie...

NP: You deserved to pause. So Peter you got in first, hesitation. You have the subject, 29 seconds are left for Ayr starting now.

PETER JONES: Well I've only been here for two hours. So I really feel it should be the chairman that should be talking to you about Ayr and Scotland generally because he is a native. He was brought up in Glasgow where he was an engineer. One of his ah previous...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I'm afraid, yes. Because I was dying to hear about my life story! So Derek Nimmo, you've got in with a correct challenge, you get a point for that. You take over the subject, or take it back, 15 seconds left starting now.

DN: I had many happy holidays at Prestwick in my youth. I used to travel here. My aunt and uncle came from Glasgow Clarkston. And on we came to this glorious beach! And winds I should not believe!They used to howl across! And I've got pictures of myself in little tiny straw...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones, will you take the next round. The subject: mooning. Take it any way you wish! Talk on it if you can, 60 seconds are available starting now.

PJ: Well when I was a boy, my father used to accuse me of mooning when I was just sort of sitting around doing nothing and not really being a contributor to the family life. But nowadays mooning means taking down your trousers and exposing your buttocks to someone you don't like. And it can be done from a motor car or coach. And I've never actually had it done to me though...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of done.

NP: What a pity! I was enjoying it! Derek, you have a correct challenge. You have the subject which is mooning and you have 33 seconds starting now.

DN: What I really want to know is if you only show one buttock is it called half mooning? I find it very unpleasant. I do go along the streets these days and I have seen people in motor cars. And I look across and I think what a funny looking woman in it and then I realise it's not a lady at all. It's these other unmentioned things. It's these rear ends that have been so displayed. I can't see the point of it! Can you imagine in the city of Ayr on the golf course at Troom or on the beach at Prestwick having buttocks displayed....


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of buttocks.

NP: Yes we had buttocks before.

DN: Yes we did, yes.

NP: You can't have too many buttocks in Just A Minute. But Tony you've cleverly got in with two seconds to go on the subject of mooning. Another point to you and you start now.

TH: Sometimes you can see builders mooning by...


NP: Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And Tony it is your turn to begin. The subject is stretching my legs. Will you tell us about that subject in this game starting now.

TH: I am six foot two and a half inches tall already...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Boasting!

NP: Especially as he added the already! Does he expect to go taller! Peter he didn't commit any of the crimes of Just A Minute so what we do is we loved the challenge, we give you a bonus point for the interruption. But of course as he was interrupted Tony Hawks gets a point for that. He keeps the subject, stretching my legs, 57 seconds left starting now.

TH: Therefore I have no need for stretching my legs. Any taller and I wouldn't be able to fit through doorways! My brother however paid to have his legs stretched but could only afford to have one done and now he walks in circles whenever he goes anywhere. If I was going to stretch my legs, what better place than Ayr? I could walk across Victoria Bridge! Down along the river Ayr towards the free parking at Millbray. Yes! How important it is to stretching your legs in a place where you... I'm just talking rubbish now!


NP: I know but you've done your homework! Derek you challenged first.

DN: Well he stopped didn't he. Or packed up!

NP: Yes he did. Hesitation. There are 26 seconds, a point to you, and the subject stretching my legs, starting now.

DN: I think stretching my legs is often used as a euphemism for going outside and walking around and perhaps having a little penny spending. I don't know, perhaps I'm wrong about that. But actually during the inquisition they had very ingenious machines for stretching one's legs. They had great bars which they would wind downwards until actually the people's bodies ah broke in two...


NP: Fred MacAulay you challenged. How nice to hear from you Fred! And can I say before you give us your challenge you very cleverly got in with only one second to go. What is your challenge?


NP: Yes I grant it!

FM: Slight hesitation.

NP: Yes. Yes I will grant it Fred because it's the first time you've played the game. And you have one second, stretching my legs, starting now.

FM: Stretching my legs is an...


NP: So Fred MacAulay was then speaking as the whistle went and gained an extra point for doing sio. And he's in second place equal with Peter Jones at the end of the round. And it's his turn to begin. Fred the subject is stress. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

FM: Well there's probably no greater stress put on anyone than to appear for the first time on a show like Just A Minute and to try and speak for that length of time on the subject that you've just given me. Medical people in the audience will know that there are certain features of stress that are apparent in casualty wards. These are known as stress fractures where people can't handle the stress and end up banging their wrist or their shin on an item of office equipment until it breaks. I can well understand why they do that. Oooooooooooooooooh! That's a noise that people make when they're under stress! I think you all recognise it! Yes! Ooooh dearie me! I can't handle this!


NP: Tony Hawks you challenged.

TH: Repetition of ooooh!

NP: Yes. You did oooooh a bit too much I'm afraid Fred. But it was very good. Twenty-four seconds on stress with you Tony starting now.

TH: I cannot stress enough how well Fred MacAulay did there with his virgin speech on this programme. Most people would crumble under the stress but he rose to the occasion like a true champion, like a Scot, and like...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Like, too many likes.

NP: Too many likes, yes Peter. Another point and the subject, 12 seconds, stress starting now.

PJ: One is always hearing about highly paid executives suffering from stress when they get about half a million pounds a year. And yet people who are really under stress like window cleaners don't get nearly as much. Surely...


NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. It's your turn to begin: brass. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PJ: It's a very attractive metal. I think it compares favourably with gold when it's used decoratively. And of course it is a combination of bronze and zinc, no, copper, I think, and the afore mentioned metal, ah, which can...


NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Repetition of metal.

NP: Metal, yes. Forty-five seconds are available for you Derek, brass starting now.

DN: Top ranking officers since the time of the Boer war have been called brass for reasons of the amount of gold that was on their hats, which was sometimes called scrambled egg. Did you know? It's frightfully interesting, isn't it. Anyway from those times that is why brass has been used in that particular...


DN: ... way. One can also think...

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

DN: What's the matter with you?

PJ: You said there was gold on the top of their...

DN: Yes, that's why they call it top brass...

PJ: Why didn't they say it was top gold?

DN: Well they didn't! They said top brass!

PJ: Well it doesn't make sense!

NP: Of course it doesn't. A lot of the things that are said in Just A Minute don't make sense!

PJ: Well yes.

NP: If we all had to talk sense all the time in this game I think you would grind to a shuddering halt on occasions. Derek I disagree with the challenge so you keep the subject and you have 29 seconds left for brass starting now.

DN: Bold as brass they say sometimes, don't they! Have you heard them! They shout out, he is as, as I just said now, as brass! You have to be very careful not to repeat things, one of the rules you see. Brass monkeys are another little allusion that I won't go into very much, I don't think. Not in Ayr I don't suppose really because the air can be rather chilly on the beaches as we know. And brass can be used very well in the production of all kinds of aero engines. Sometimes when you pull them to pieces and...


DN: No-one butted in!

NP: Right! Derek Nimmo kept going to the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's now equal in the lead with Peter Jones. Tony Hawks, your turn to begin. The subject is mollycoddling. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

TH: Miss Coddling took me for geography when I was at school and it wasn't until many years later that I discovered that her first name was in fact Molly. Quite a woman she was! What she couldn't tell you about glacial erosion at Oxbow Lakes wasn't worth knowing. But where did she stand on mollycoddling? Well she believed that you should not strike your children. But unfortunately she had no objection to having a go at other people's. And I was on the receiving end of many blows from Molly Coddling! Let me tell you! And that has turned me into the upright outstanding citizen I am...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, he's not.

NP: I'm not going to ask the audience to judge on that, and I'm certainly not going to judge it. But I'll tell you what we'll do Derek. The audience applause assumes that they enjoyed the challenge so you get a bonus point for the interruption. But Tony keeps the subject and a point for being interrupted and he has 24 seconds to tell us more about mollycoddling starting now.

TH: If you are bringing up a child, please don't indulge in mollycoddling, because they will want to have their own way for the rest of their lives. When they go in restaurants they will demand the food that they desire. They will pull your hair! They will tear away at your very souls until they have every...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Fourth they.

NP: They, yes, yes.

TH: Yeah you're right.

NP: And you've got seven seconds on mollycoddling Derek starting now.

DN: If you moddlecolly a child too much...


DN: ... that would be not assumed to be mollycoddling!

NP: Fred MacAulay...

DN: Because it's a totally different word!

NP: Fred has challenged you. Fred what is it?

FM: Derek just said an anagram of mollycoddling.

NP: It was deviation from English as we understand it and as it should be spoke. So Fred I agree with your challenge and you have five seconds on mollycoddling starting now.

FM: Mollycoddling would never entertain my...


NP: Peter challenged.

PJ: What?

NP: You challenged Peter.

PJ: Yes I did yes.

NP: Why?

PJ: Well he hesitated.

NP: I know he did, I know, but I like to hear you say it. Right! Mollycoddling's with you Peter and there are one second to go starting now.

PJ: Well he was talking about the mother...


NP: So Peter kept going that one second to the whistle. He's back in the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of the round. And Fred MacAulay it's your turn to begin. Back to basics. Talk on the subject if you can Fred starting now.

FM: Back to basics was John Major's blueprint for life in the 90s. To combat sleaze he decided we should all act in a manner that was appropriate and we should have a family unit of small children, 2.4 maybe. A mother, a loving caring father and a live in secretary, a mother as well. And this was going to be the plan by whuch we would all be upstanding citizens and...


NP: Peter has challenged you.

PJ: He hesitated again.

NP: He did indeed Peter, a correct challenge. Another point to you, 36 seconds available, back to basics, starting now.

PJ: When I first heard the phrase from John Major's own lips I thought he was talking about getting back to the times when we lived in caves! And when we had to go and kill something in order to have a meal! Or if we felt a bit like a bit of rumpoh we would have to go and find a woman and drag her by the hair into the cave....


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of caves.

NP: I'm afraid there was more than one cave.

PJ: Yes, yes.

NP: A pity because I was enjoying this rumpoh sequence.

PJ: Yes well, there you are!

NP: Right, 13 seconds available, back to basics with you Derek starting now.

DN: Back to basics. Well it did seem to be an admirable idea, returning to Victorian values in a way. But unfortunately they've shot their own feet, have they not? It doesn't really seem to have worked. I'm all for Peter Jones's....


NP: So it's neck and neck with all of them. Derek your turn to begin. The subject: racing. Tell us something about that if you can in Just A Minute starting...

DN: Well I...

NP: ... now.

DN: ... am frightfully keen on racing particularly at Ayr.


NP: Tony Hawks.

DN: What's the matter now? What's the matter?

TH: He actually started just before you said now and therefore is going to talk for Just A Minute and one second!

NP: Actually...

TH: That's not fair! He gets to talk for a minute and one second! We only get a minute!

NP: Well Tony there's nothing in the rules which says you can't start before....

TH: Right! I'm starting my next round now then!

NP: I've got to give you a bonus point Tony. Derek gets a bonus point for being interrupted. he keeps the subject, 58 seconds, racing Derek starting now.

DN: The racecourse at Ayr is particularly celebrated. I noticed there the other day there was a meeting called, or a particular race I suppose, the Warren and Norris Celebration Wedding stakes handicap. And why was it like that? I thought it was a very extraordinary thing. Where I like going racing most of all of course is Australia. I have been to 16 Melbourne Cups and I like the picnic race meetings...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of like.

NP: Yes you liked an awful lot before yes. So um...

DN: Well I...

PJ: He went to the Melbourne Cup 16 times!

NP: Repetition if ever I heard it! Thirty-five seconds for you on racing Tony starting now.

TH: I know what horses are thinking about in racing! They're musing to themselves how come when humans break their legs they just put it in plaster? And you can see their point of view can't you! But whenever I go racing I make sure that I'm in a nice outfit and that everyone will be impressed by my stride as I run ahead of the throng of runners who are alongside me. Racing is...


NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: I don't know quite what the challenge is but he was running ahead of them and now they're alongside him! He's obviously not running very well!

NP: Fred, 11 seconds for you on racing starting now.

FM: I've only ever once bet on a horse race and I won! I put the money on a horse which was called Out In Front...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two horses.

NP: There were two horses, horse race and...

FM: There were far more than two! What kind of horse race is that, what do you mean? You've been to the Melbourne Cup Derek!

NP: Derek, racing's back with you with six seconds to go, starting now.

DN: Sheik Hamir Im Rachid Ah Minsuhm is one of the most successful owners at present. Situated in Dubai and founder with his brother...


NP: So Derek Nimmo got the subject back. he kept going till the whistle went, gained extra points. He's now taken the lead. Peter Jones, your turn to begin. Hotch potch. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PJ: Well it's just a fairly meaningless mixture. I mean I could talk about anything really. I could mention Tony Hawks' lurid sex life. I could talk about Nicholas...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Two talks.

NP: You were talking too much I'm sorry.

PJ: Oh dear.

NP: Yes. So Derek you have 51 seconds on the subject of hotch potch starting now.

DN: Well a hotch potch could be an odd mixture of things like I suppose the questions on this particular programme if one comes to think about it. Stress and brass and mollycoddling, back to basics, Ayr, mooning...


DN: ... stretching my legs...

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

DN: What?

FM: I know it's my first show Derek but I interrupted on behalf of Peter Jones. I'd rather hear about Tony Hawks' lurid sex life!

TH: Actually I have to say I'm rather keen as well!

NP: I'm almost, I'm almost tempted to offer you two bonus points for a change. I'll give you a bonus point for that one Fred and leave it with Derek, and hotch potch, starting now.

DN: It is a kind of stew by definition. You can put in all kinds of vegetables and meat. rather like scouse I suppose. I am a Liverpudlian...


NP: Oh! Tony's pressed! Yes?

TH: Um, I'm just er pressing to stop you gesticulating at me to press. Because you thought he repeated kind but he didn't. He said kind and kinds!

NP: Did he?

TH: Yes.

NP: I'm trying to help Fred....

TH: I just wanted to press to stop you going completely mad.

DN: What happened to my hotch potch?

NP: You've still got it and you have 30 seconds Derek starting...

DN: Thirty seconds?

NP: That's all! No, 29, now...


NP: ... starting now...

DN: Are you muddled?

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes! Yes Tony you have a point, you have the subject, 29 seconds, hotch potch starting now.

TH: Whenever I'm in the kitchen and I need to cook something I look around for all kinds of ingredients and throw them into the tub as if I am going to cook a real hotch potch of...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Did he say he threw them into the tub?

NP: Yes, in the tub.

TH: I mistook my kitchen for the bathroom!

NP: Ah, so...

FM: If that's what his cooking's like, can you imagine what his sex life's like!

TH: You're going to have to imagine because I'm not going to tell you!

NP: Peter, correct challenge, 20 seconds, hotch potch starting now.

PJ: Rtaher than tell you about him I'd rather talk about the Parsons family whom I have known about for many years now. His grandfather designed the Tay Bridge and then much later his son designed the Titanic.


NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Ah were there two designeds there.

NP: Ah there were two, he designed...

PJ: Designed!

NP: He designed the second time, and the first...

TH: Designed, why was it designs the first time?

NP: Designs the first time, and he designed the second time.

TH: Why did he do it in the present tense the first time?

NP: I don't know, why did you do that in the present tense?

PJ: Well I don't know. Perhaps I had a temporary blackout!

NP: Yes, well your temporary....

PJ: I've been having a very difficult time lately and you know there's difficulties at home one way and another, and I, do please....

NP: Well your crie de couer from the heart has won you the subject back, five seconds....

DN: Where else could a crie de couer come from apart from a heart?

NP: That is a very good question Derek! Five seconds for hotch potch with you Peter starting now.

PJ: It can be a very nice dish if you get the right ingredients and a pan to put it all in...


NP: So Peter Jones speaking then as the whistle went has moved forward into second place behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Tony Hawks, your turn to begin. The subject: riding a laugh. We've discussed that often on Just A Minute. Talk on the subject if you can starting now.

TH: Why did the one armed monkey fall out of the tree? Because I waved to him. Now because I'm still talking, that's an example of riding a laugh. Were I stop and let you fully enjoy the magnificence of that gag I would be buzzed by one of my fellow panelists who would accuse me of hesitating. But that would not be the case! However some comedians struggle to find the opportunity to ride a laugh because they don't get any! That is their particular tragedy and I will not go into that now. Instead I will tell you about a horse that my brother used to...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said I will twice very close together!

NP: I will, I will, I will. Peter well listened and 26 seconds available, riding a laugh, starting now.

PJ: Well it's something that people do I suppose if they ever get laughs. And er I've never been terribly....


NP: Peter, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: And er.

NP: There was an er, yes.

PJ: So there was! I'm rather glad really! I didn't want to talk about it!

NP: I have to say Peter, that's exactly how you came across to me as well! Twenty-one seconds, riding a laugh, Derek, starting now.

DN: A Laugh is the impeccably bred new colt by Shundun Heem which was one of Sheik Hamir Im Rachid Ah Mintuhm's favourite horses....


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I think he should speak mostly English!

NP: Well, actually, I have to give the benefit of the doubt to Derek Nimmo and say there are 10 seconds for riding a laugh, Derek, starting now.

DN: I must say I wish I could tell jokes like Tony! He's so witty and funny isn't he! I'd love to be able to ride...


NP: Tony...

DN: ... a laugh as he does, with the aplomb...

NP: Oy! Oy!

DN: What's the matter?

TH: Well I'm afraid there were two loves in there! And I'm quite prepared to give you coaching lessons if you like!

NP: Four seconds with you Tony, riding a laugh, starting now.

TH: It was a filly owned by an Arabic gentleman and I...


NP: Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. Peter, it's neck and neck between you and Derek Nimmo. He's one point ahead of you as we go into the last round and you are three points ahead of Tony Hawks and Fred is trailing just a little. But don't worry Fred! It's the contribution that counts!

FM: Thank you.

NP: The points are secondary. And Fred it is your turn to begin. I don't think you can win but we'll certainly enjoy hearing from you on my ambition starting now.

FM: Yeah well my ambition had been to win. But obviously that's not going to happen! So it's important that I let you know the difference between fantasy and ambition. because if you were to ask any young man, say 13 or 14 years old, what his ambition was, he might say, a night out with Pamela Anderson and that is an idea of what the difference is between the words that I said earlier that wasn't ambition, that began with an f and rhymed with pantasy...


NP: Peter you challenged.

PJ: There's no such word as pantasy!

NP: No, I think, I think it was the Perthshire accent when he said pantasy. he's come from Perthshire, that fella does...

PJ: I know, but this is going all over the world! It's not a parochial programme at all!

NP: Fred I disagree with the challenge because I think you said pantasy as well and you keep going on the subject of my ambition, 34 seconds are left, starting now.

FM: It would be a shame to just have one ambition. I think you should have more than one ambition, you should have several...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Quite a lot of shoulds in there.

NP: Yes a lot of shoulds in there.

FM: Quite a lot of ones as well.

NP: And Tony my ambition is the subject and there are 29 seconds available starting now.

TH: I'd like to star in a TV consumer programme that showed absolutely no sympathy at all for the people that wrote in. It was called Tough Tits, You Bought It. My ambition also on top of that is to publish a book... Notice the way I'm riding that laugh as well. Um, publish a book entitled...


NP: Fred challenged.

FM: Yeah, two publishes there.

NP: Publish yes, you published too much there. So Fred you've got the subject back. You're going to finish in style with nine seconds on my ambition starting now.

FM: My ambition would be like Tony to publish two books. One of the books would be...


NP: Oh! Oh it's a tough game isn't it, Fred, yes. Five seconds are left and Derek Nimmo got in first, my ambition, Derek, starting now.

DN: My ambition would be to be the chairman of this wonderful programme when Nicholas Parsons finally retires.


NP: We have no more time to play Just A Minute alas! So it remains for me to give you the final score. Fred MacAulay who has not played the game before, coming from nowhere did magnificently....

PJ: But he's from Glasgow!

NP: He comes from Perthshire but in this game he came from nowhere to finish in fourth place with a lot of points. He did marvellously! Tony Hawks, who's come from somewhere as well...

TH: I came from nowhere! We all came from nowhere in the beginning.

NP: Right! But in this show he finished in third place, quite a lot of points. Peter Jones nearly pipped our leader, two points behind the man who held the lead and lost it and held it again to finish up as our winner this week, Derek Nimmo. It only remains for me to say on behalf of our four intrepid players of the game, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Fred MacAulay and Tony Hawks, thanking them very much. Also Liz Trott for keeping the score and blowing the whistle marvellously I thought. Also we must thank Ian Messiter for thinking of the game which we all enjoy playing so much and our producer Ann Jobson for directing it so magnificently. This is me, Nicholas Parsons, saying goodbye, hope you will join us next time we play Just A Minute.