JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS(Radio, 17 February 1976)



THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again we have four of our keenest and best players of the game. And theyíre going to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject. Weíre going to begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. And Derek the subject is big game hunters. Derek will you go on that subject if you can for Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Only three weeks ago in Zululand I was following along the course of the Ompalazi River towards Sitsili in se-arch of the white rhino...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Se--arch? Se-arch?

DN: Itís an old Zulu word! I like to cut in with the occasional...

NP: Sheila you have challenged, I agree with your challenge. You get the subject, you have a point for your correct challenge, there are 50 seconds left. Big game hunters, starting now.

SH: I imagine big game hunters to look something like Stewart Granger in a khaki safari suit and a hat with an angle over his eyes. Lovely and brown with white teeth and flashing eyes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Iíd just like to confirm thatís exactly what I looked like! Just so the audience will know thatís exactly what a big game hunter looks like....

NP: In your imagination!

DN: Nicely brown, flashing eyes.... in my trip, I looked...

NP: In your imagination!

DN: Iím just saying thatís how I looked like!

NP: Well, nobody else has responded to it so weíll just let that one slide and Sheila has an incorrect challenge, so she gains a point for that and keeps the subject. There are 37 seconds on big game hunters starting now.

SH: This is probably a hangover from my childhood when I was very much hooked on H Ryder Haggardís books in which a lot of these gentlemen appeared. and I imagined myself in love with them, sleeping in a tent in the jungle surrounded by wild animals but protected by my glamourous big game hunter that looked like a combination of Derek Nimmo and Stewart Granger....

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Alas! A repetition of Stewart Granger!

NP: Yes. Alas, she had to bring him in again! Derek, a correct challenge so 15 seconds for you on big game hunters starting now.

DN: With my guide Seper Nimbombi we wandered along this trail, missing by a fraction...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, heís not very good on these Zulu names, is he? Um there are 10 seconds on big game hunters with you now Peter starting now.

PJ: Well, I think they are probably the most boring people in the world. They canít think of anything to do to amuse themselves except go and shoot things that are bigger, better and finer...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the whistle that Ian Messiter blows tells us that 60 seconds are up and whomever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones and at the end of that round he is equal in the lead with Sheila Hancock. Sheila, your turn to begin: what I expect of a man. Speak for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: I strongly disapprove of expecting anything of any other human being. Therefore I would not presume to expect anything of a man. If I was in an ideal world....

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of anything.

NP: Yes.

SH: But isnít that on the... oh, no...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: She hadnít even started! Have a bit of gallantry! Let a girl get under way!

SH: I havenít got much to say!

KW: Sheís the only woman on the panel and she isnít shown any kind of courtesy!

NP: She wasnít actually talking on the subject! She was saying she didnít expect anything of a man, but she had to talk about what she did expect of a man. So...

SH: No, I was about to go on to say that I did carry on... what I believed to be in the best of... Oh, forget it! I might get the subject back!

NP: That wasnít one of your more lucid moments!

SH: Not really, no!

NP: Derek, I agree with the challenge, you have a point for that, there are 49 seconds for you to talk on what I expect of a man starting now.

DN: And what I expect of a man, particularly a gentleman is to show gallantry towards lady members of the team. The fact that I donít do it myself shows Iím a right old... load of whatsit! So therefore I try...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: No, he he changed track but he did keep going, I donít think long enough...

PJ: Hesitated is what I said he did.

NP: Yes he didnít break his thoughts long enough to call it hesitation to my mind.

PJ: Ah!

NP: So he keeps the subject, 37 seconds, what I expect of a man starting now.

DN: What I expect of a man is he will do his duty! Horatio Nelson, the finest Admiral Britain has ever produced asked only that as he was steaming down... he wasnít of course, he had the flag up...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes he said he wasnít of course, he wasnít on a steamer!

NP: So Kenneth you have the subject at last. Itís nice to hear from you! You have 27 seconds, 28 seconds to talk on what I expect of a man starting now.

KW: Certainly it would be civility! I donít think any of us can exist in a world where people are shouting and bawling at each other instead of behaving in a proper fashion and by that I mean civilised. All of my friends are characterised by the fact they have the polity of society in common. And I rejoice...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter... Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Do you count me one of your friends?

KW: Listen! How do you dare to interrupt me to ask a private question which you could have done after!

SH: But I was going to say...

KW: What a cheek!

SH: I was going to accuse you of deviation if you do!

NP: Why?

SH: Well, because all his friends have the polity of society, whatever that might be! Iím sure I havenít got it!

NP: So youíre claiming deviation?

SH: Yes.

NP: Right, so Sheila Hancock has a point and you have four seconds to continue on what I expect of a man starting now.

SH: What I am conditioned to expect of a man is that he should be courageous...

WHISTLE

NP: Sheila Hancock was then speaking as the whistle went, she gained the extra point and sheís now in the lead at the end of the round. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. The subject: my epitaph.

SH: Oh dear!

NP: Have you ever thought about what your epitaph should be or might be? But if not will you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Here rests his head upon the lap of earth,
a youth to fortune and to fame well known,
and talent smiled upon his humble birth,
but melancholy claimed him for her own.
That would be the most superb, most apposite thing to be written on anything that commemorated...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Yes?

PJ: Most. repetition of most.

KW: Yes, well, he kept moving about behind me which put me off!

PJ: How dare you, I did nothing of the kind!

NP: Something which youíve never done!

KW: He was making faces and moving about which put me off and therefore the whole thing was most unfair and I should get the subject back!

PJ: I wanted to tell them my epitaph!

KW: Oh, I see! Well thatís fine!

NP: There are 36 seconds for you Peter Jones on my epitaph starting now.

PJ: Oh itís one in America and the first line Iíve forgotten but after that it went
And let your breezes blow free,
I held on to mine and they killed me.
I thought that was very sweet particularly for someone who suffered from dyspepsia or any kind of gastronomic trouble. Now I donít know whether Iím expected to continue speaking on this subject of epitaphs, I have already told you the one that I particularly fancy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of particularly.

NP: Yes because he wanted to be challenged and he did! Derek you have 10 seconds to talk about my epitaph starting now.

DN: This is the grave of Mary Charlotte,
Born a maid and died a harlot,
She was a virgin at 17,
A very rare thing in Aberdeen

BUZZ

DN: I like that very much indeed, Iím almost afraid to tell you though it wouldnít be terribly applicable to my epitaph...

NP: Ah, Sheila Hancock challenged just before the whistle, what was it Sheila?

SH: I think that would be an entirely unsuitable epitaph for Derek!

NP: Yes, itís a very good challenge! You have half a second Sheila on my epitaph starting now.

SH: Lovely girl!

WHISTLE

DN: Just lovely girl?

SH: Here lies a lovely girl!

NP: And at the end of the round, Sheila speaked, spoke again when the whistle went and gained another point and has increased her lead. Um Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject oh a lovely one, getting the ship into the bottle. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well, first empty the bottle, thatís very often the best part! Now after that you make the ship and you have the er masts lying...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

PJ: ... down horizontally with all the gear and string and so on!

KW: Hesitation.

PJ: Whatís that?

KW: Hesitation!

PJ: Donít mumble Kenneth what is it? Have you got a challenge? He didnít buzz, he didnít buzz!

NP: He did buzz.

PJ: He didnít!

NP: He did for hesitation and you were doing a Kenneth Williams on him, you kept going in spite of the buzzer.

PJ: Well, I didnít hear his buzzer. His buzzerís fainter than mine.

NP: Well anyway it was a correct challenge, there are 50 seconds for you Kenneth on getting the ship into the bottle starting now.

KW: You place the whole thing in, in a collapsed fashion and attached to each mast are pieces of string. Once inside and cemented to the bottle you pull the strings taut so that all these pieces of apparatus then are standing in a vertical or upright position. Then everyone when the cork is replaced thinks that the whole thing went in, in this fashion, which is of course completely untrue...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of fashion.

NP: Yes, there was a repetition of fashion and Derek you have the subject and there are 25 seconds, getting the ship into the bottle, starting now.

DN: I suppose the ship that I would most like to see in the bottle and frequently do in fact is the Cutty Sark. And therefore I have great joy in unloading the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well, deviation, you never see the Cutty Sark in a bottle!

NP: But he wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card.

KW: Of course he was!

PJ: You canít, youíve got your ship in the bottle and put the cork in! You canít go on after that! Can you? I mean youíve said all there is to say about ships putting in bottles!

NP: 13 seconds Derek on getting the ship in the bottle starting now.

DN: I once knew a very old gentleman in Bristol who was an expert on getting ships into bottles. I used to watch him do this particular task. He would get a bottle and then place into it a ship with all the masts lying down and cement it beneath these things...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo was then speaking about his ship in the bottle when the whistle went, and got the extra point, heís taken the lead at the end of that round. And Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject now is tall stories. Would you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: The Empire State Building comes to mind as one of the tallest storeys that oneís ever seen. In fact I believe there are many hundreds...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: The Empire State Building is not a building with one of the tallest storeys, itís a building with many storeys, but it doesnít have one of these storeys. It has not got in it any storey which is the tallest in the world. That would require an individual layer to be the tallest, you see and it isnít.

NP: Yes I agree with his challenge, youíre not explaining it very well, but I quite agree.

DN: I donít think itís...

NP: No, you have a number of storeys to make the building high. You donít say...

DN: But I was talking about the top one!

KW: You said the Empire State Building had the most tall storey! Now that is completely untrue!

PJ: Oh donít go on about it, itís very boring.

KW: Yes well thatís true.

NP: Kenneth I agree with your challenge anyway! There are 50 seconds on tall stories starting now.

KW: Well, Baron Munchausen immediately springs to mind. One thinks of the traveller who ties his horse to what he regards as a sprig in the snow and wakes to find that the poor creature is tied to the top of the steeple in the morning when the sun has thawed all the afore-mentioned white stuff and the traveller is sitting at the foot of the porch. Well, thatís a delightful anecdote and it does come under the heading of a tall story. And many...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, 14 seconds on tall stories with you Sheila starting now.

SH: A lot of people are forced to live on tall stories, some of whom I believe enjoy it but a lot donít. For instance families with children find it difficult if there is nowhere for the same little creatures to play, and...

WHISTLE

NP: Sheila Hancock was then speaking as...

KW: Yes, sheís trying to win by coming in on the last five seconds all the time!

NP: Well, it wasnít the last five seconds, she went for about 14 seconds and she has gained the lead again. Sheís one ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams are equal in third place. Sheila, your turn to begin, the subject, what I fancy. Would you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

SH: It would take me much longer than 60 seconds to describe what I fancy actaully and anyway it wouldnít be allowed. But instead of that I will say I would like to be by a river in my bathing costume with a bottle of champagne
and a few sandwiches. Then I would like to plunge into the same water, swim around for a bit, find Kenneth Williams who I also fancy, sitting in his little bathing costume on the edge of the bank dabbling his tiny feet amongst the tadpoles, fishing with a little net. And then I would go off down the road and there would be Peter who I fancy and Derek whom I also fancy waiting to take me out to dinner because the aforesaid bread and jam hadnít exactly filled me up. So we would then go to my favourite...

WHISTLE

SH: Haha! Oh dear!

NP: Well the only thing that upset me about that was that she fancied them all except me!

SH: Aawwwww! Pet! I wasnít really thinking, I was making it all up as I went along!

NP: But still you kept going magnificently with great style and penache for 60 seconds without being interrupted. So Sheila gets an extra point for doing...

SH: Do I only get one point for all that angst?

NP: No, you get two, you get two points, one for speaking as the whistle went, and one for keeping going.

SH: Ah!

NP: And youíve now got a strong lead at the end of that round. And we now move to Peter Jones, your turn to begin, a lovely subject now, ice cream. Would you talk to us about that starting now.

PJ: Curiously enough I was in Bognor Regis the other day and I saw there a huge ice house, a sort of pile of er stones...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth has challenged.

KW: A pile of er!

NP: Oh you are rotten! Youíre staring him, heís actually staring him in the eyes as he speaks!

PJ: Itís just a personal mannerism and youíre picking on it! You know, youíre trying to rip my personality apart!

KW: I have mine, itís of course, and every time I say of course he picks me up! Why should I suffer alone? Why shouldnít you suffer as well?

PJ: You want to drag me down with you, do you?

KW: Yes!

PJ: I see.

NP: Youíve suffered less than anybody. Youíve only got to look at Ian Messiter who sits beside me and you say ďwhatís going on behind me, whatís going on behind me?Ē

KW: Because youíve been up to some dirty tricks in this game and Iíve been watching you out of the corner of my eye!

NP: All I try to do is keep going and...

KW: And you keep doing this semi strip tease! Your jacketís off, your tie will be next.

PJ: He may be stripping, heís not teasing!

NP: Iíve just undone my top button thatís all, on my shirt!

DN: Heís flaunting himself!

NP: Um...

PJ: I like the seron youíre wearing! Around your neck!

NP: Kenneth you have the subject, you have 40 seconds on ice cream starting now.

KW: This has been the subject of the most notorious ill-doing and especially in our city today! People that are selling it in the streets outside various places where tourists gather at prices that can only be called prohibitive and evilly crooked. I do think that when people arrive in this country, especially strangers and get...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

KW: ... rooked by these kind of filthy people...

DN: Repetition of this country.

NP: Yes.

KW: Nevertheless a very good point made!

DN: Oh very good point.

KW: Thank you, thank you.

NP: There are 18 seconds for you Derek on ice cream starting now.

DN: Where is the ice cream of oneís youth, one asks oneself?

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: What a ridiculous thing! I mean, I mean, itís either mouldy or it donít exist! Anyway what a load of rubbish, (mimicking Derekís voice) ďoh, the ice cream of oneís youthĒ. I mean does he know this youth who heís got, whoís holding a pile of ice cream?

NP: Kenneth I agree, a repetition of one. You have the subject, there are 14 seconds on ice cream starting now.

KW: Well my friend in New York alwys said you canít beat the fat free variety, the hazelnut, walnut and chicken pox. What finer combinations can you have, he said? And...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: I canít believe thereís an ice cream called chicken pox! Deviation.

NP: No, I donít believe thereís a chicken pox ice cream.

KW: Well, I was just trying to keep going!

NP: I know you did well and you nearly hoodwinked them. Four seconds for Derek Nimmo on ice cream starting now.

DN: Oh I do like to be beside the seaside holding my cornet....

BUZZ

NP: Derek, Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: He starts everything with Oh!

KW: Thatsís true! Aaaaaaaaaahhhh! Yes! Youíve been hoist by your own petard! Brilliant! Yes! Ooooh, he threw that over me! He threw water and it hit my bun! I never...

DN: I knew heíd turn violent one day!

SH: Oh, I wish Iíd never brought it up!

NP: You brought it up, the challenge was oh, I grant it, there are 3 seconds Sheila on ice cream with you starting now.

SH: Strawberry ice cream and vanilla...

WHISTLE

KW: Well Sheila Hancock is still in the lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmoís moving up on her and what an apt subject to follow: sex equality. So, it is Derek Nimmo to begin. Derek would you talk on that, 60 seconds, starting now.

DN: Well I think Nicholas Parsons has got a very sexy quality. I donít know what it is but I think maybe itís the way he churns his ankle up and down sometimes and the hairs quiver in the gentle breeze of the noonday sun that happen to be blowing rather round about and sometimes sex... theyíre awfully quick to admire him and...

BUZZ

DN: ... and I donít know what Iím talking about!

NP: But Sheila Hancock challenged you before you got too far.

SH: Well everything, deviation, hesitation.

BP: Yes and sexy quality. Sheila you have the subject, you have a point of course and you have 43 seconds on sex equality starting now.

SH: Well I am glad to say it looks as though at last my daughters are going to have equal opportunity with the...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, I donít know what this claptrap is all about!

SH: Well, neither do I really!

KW: We shouldnít have women on the show. They ruin it! They ruin it you see! Itís only men who have the capacity for locquaciousness and reasoned argument. Whoís got the subject anyway? I ought to have it!

NP: Sheila Hancockís got it back!

KW: Oh dear!

NP: And she has 27 seconds on sex equality starting now.

SH: Oh dear Iím as bored with it as you are actually! However it is very important I think that all men and women...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth has challenged you again.

KW: Yes because you see she said she was bored by it and then she said it was very important! Now is she saying what is important is boring?

SH: Sometimes yes!

KW: Well I mean, I mean that makes no sense!

SH: Itís true...

NP: You can have a very...

PJ: Itís very important Kenneth that your heart keeps beating all the time but itís boring to listen to it!

SH: Good point! Good point!

NP: Sheila there are 20 seconds for you to keep going if you can on sex equality starting now.

SH: In fact it is a terrible subject on which to talk for a short time becaus eit is so deep and you can only skim the surface. However I would think though I will get lots of letters to the contrary that there shouldnít be anybody in the world who objects to equal opportunity for women with men. Whether they choose to work or stay at home is their own choice but I want my daughter...

WHISTLE

KW: Load of rubbish! What a load of rubbish! Load of propoganda! Propoganda and rubbish!

NP: No, Iím sure we all heartily endorse...

KW: Of course we donít! They canít do loads of things half as well as we do far better! Can you imagine a woman in a boxing ring doing what Mohammad Ali does?

NP: No!

KW: Iíve never heard such rubbish!

NP: No, of course not....

PJ: I think if you could find a woman like that, sheíd pack them in!

SH: Iíd take him on any day!

NP: And you never know, it might be one of Sheila Hancockís daughters!

SH: Yes!

NP: Letís get on with Just A Minute shall we? Um, Sheila, 60 seconds for you to talk on affectations starting now.

SH: Affectations are something I think that are used to cover up a sense of inferiority. Certainly they are in my case. For instance I am apt rather to say ďdarlingĒ this and that and it usually means that Iíve forgotten the personís name. Also one does things with oneís hands, little gestures, and with my eyebrows as Kenneth quite rightly pointed out, which in fact usually are a coverup that I donít know what to say. As for instance at the moment...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well, I donít think itís fair Sheila, because the affectation that I pointed out was on another programme dear.

SH: Oh!

KW: I thought I ought to sort that out, you know what I mean?

NP: You havenít sorted out anything, youíve just confused them! So Sheila keeps the subject, 32 seconds, affectations starting now.

SH: Also I did once upon a time have a very bad Cockney accent. Not that thereís anything against that particular form of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, she's still got a Cockney accent! Hahahahahahaha!

SH: I knew you were going to say that, I knew!

KW: Hahahahahahahahahaha!

SH: Not as good as I did have!

NP: But she hasnít got a very bad one, does she?

KW: No, itís not on this show! Itís when you get her on the phone! When he starts off itís (posh voice) ďhelloĒ, and then when I say itís me she goes (Cockney accent) ďOh hello, itís youĒ. It all goes!

SH: Thatís the point Iím making if youíd allow me to continue!

NP: She didnít actually deviate from the subject, so there are 25 seconds on affectations Sheila starting now.

SH: Kenneth has practically taken the words from my mouth. I went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art and in the process I eliminated some of my vowel sounds. But the ones that I substituted are inclined to be a bit (posh voice) ďlike thatĒ occasionally. But when somebody like Kenneth or Derek or Peter phones me up, he is quite right, I do say (posh voice) ďhelloĒ and then when I discover itís them I say (Cockney voice) ďOh Gawd, its you! What are you phoning for at this time?Ē and I go on a bit like that.

WHISTLE

NP: Ah well , I see weíve received a message that we have no more time so I must give you the final score because weíve come to the end of the game. Well Peter Jones finished in fourth place this week, he was a little way behind Kenneth Williams and they were only just a little way behind Derek Nimmo who was quite a long way behind this weekís winner of Just A Minute whoís returned to triumph Sheila Hancock. So an apt winner, an apt finish to this particular game which we do hope youíve enjoyed, the fun, the games, the erudition and the comments. From all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.