JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (radio, 9 December 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello, and welcome to Just A Minute. Well, we have four keen players, and theyíre going to try to speak if they can as usual for just a minute without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, can you talk on the subject of ďwhat gives me the horrorsĒ. Sixty seconds, starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Noise generally. Itís the sort of term which can cover a multitude of sins, I know, but one of the worst kinds of cacophony, I could ever envisage is the sort of shouting and bawling that goes on, at what are loosely termed public demonstrations, but which are in reality nothing more or less than an excuse for a load of hooligans to shout the odds and I loathe and deplore it. It reminds me of the worst aspects of barbarism, including Nazism. They rush about...

BUZZ

KW: ... saying ďsieg heilĒ and these other people go ďso and so, out, so and so, out, out, out, outĒ. They run along all down the street. My mother and I were going along the street one day...

NP: Ken...

KW: ... and we couldnít hear ourselves speak!

NP: Peter Jones who is sitting next to Kenneth, very kindly, put his hand over his mouth to stop him, because a long time ago, you were challenged Kenneth.

KW: Youíre supposed to speak for 60 seconds!

NP: I know but...

KW: I was doing my best here, arenít I, Im always made a fool of....

NP: You are also supposed to stop speaking when a challenge occurs.

KW: What was his challenge?

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Well, I.. I.. I... Iíve forgotten the word when you go off the point.

KW: Sheís forgotten!

NP: Deviation.

SH: Deviation, well, I think heís deviating, because you canít have the implication that all demonstrations are Nazi Sieg Heil things.

NP: No, but it wasnít. He said this is what gives him the horrors.

SH: Yes, but his implication was all demonstrations have people shouting and bawling. You have peaceful demonstrations.

NP: Sheila I got the impression from what he said that it was that particular kind of demonstration.

KW: Yes, yes.

SH: No, no, no...

KW: Yes, absolutely, what a very good chairman. Hear, hear, very good.

SH: No, no, he...

KW: Thank goodness thereís some democracy left with somebody like him in the chair. Yes!

NP: Just wait, just wait, another 10 minutes from now, itíll all be reversed, youíll see. Anyway, Iíve given it in your favour, Kenneth.

KW: Thank you Nicholas, very kind of you.

NP: An incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, there are 27 seconds...

KW: You combine dignity with fairness, may I say.

NP: Iím waiting for when the colour changes. There are 27 seconds left to continue with what gives me the horrors, starting now.

KW: And another thing that I canít stand is footsteps, behind...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of ďcanít standĒ.

NP: A correct challenge, you get a point for that. You have 25 seconds, what gives me the horrors, starting now.

DN: What gives me the horrors is being alone in a haunted hout, very late at night.

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Sheila Hancock.

SH: What is a haunted hout?

DN: I have little idea.

SH: Doubtless youíve been alone in one.

NP: Deviation from grammar, pronounciation and haunted houses. Sheila, a correct challenge for you, 20 seconds are left, what gives me the horrors, starting now.

SH: What gives me the horrors are cockroaches, great, big, black beetles.

BUZZ

SH: There is a theatre in London..

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, you see, you canít have great and big, you can have one or the other, but you donít want great and big.

SH: You can.

KW: Pardon me but itís deviation, itís bad language dear, anyone would tell you itís bad language.

NP: Kenneth, in order to keep going in Just A Minute, I think one would definitely be allowed to use colloquial phrases even if it is a little ungrammatical.

DN: Thatís shut him up hasnít it.

NP: Yes, 15 seconds to continue on what gives me the horrors, starting now.

SH: There is a theatre in London which is absolutely overrun by these creatures. On one particular night, I had to go on stage and open a cupboard and exclaim with delight about the contents therein, and there I saw six large beetles.

WHISTLE

NP: Well, as our regulars know, when the whistle is blown by Ian Messiter, which tells us that 60 seconds are up, whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, and on this occasion it was Sheila Hancock who has a strong lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones, will you begin the next round. Nice to hear from you, Peter, how are you?

PETER JONES: Yes, hello, Nicholas, well, Iím not too bad really. Nice to see so many of Kennethís relatives here.

NP: Peter, the subject that Ian has thought up is my great-great-grandfather. There are 60 seconds and you start now.

PJ: Well, my great-great-grandfather, Iím pleased youíve mentioned him, doubtless youíve read about him in the National Dictionary of Biography. He was a well known plumber and designer of sanitary fittings in the middle of the last century, and he was one of the people, who blazed a trail with that sort of terraced filigree er shower type er fittings...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: There were an awful lot of ers there, werenít there? I think the ers would come under the heading of hesitation.

NP: I think you would be right. So there are 35 seconds for you Kenneth on the subject, my great-great-grandfather, starting now.

KW: My great-great-grandfather came from a place in Wales and I believe he was something to do with boats. But my mother and my other... no...

BUZZ

NP: Sheilaís challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Sheila, you have 23 seconds now on my great-great-grandfather.

SH: I honestly have the faintest idea who my great-great grandfather was. But I have a fantasy...

BUZZ

KW: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well, there must have been eight of them for a start, and one of them must have been called Hancock.

NP: Yes, but she wasnít talking about his name. She conveyed to me that she didnít know him, therefore she wasnít deviating from the subject. So she has 17 seconds..

PJ: Anyway thereíd be 16 wouldnít there?

KW: Who asked you to put your oar in?

PJ: Thank you very much.

KW: Well! Heís already pronounced judgement, you canít interfere with the chair.

NP: 17 seconds for you Sheila, starting now.

SH: I fantasise that he was a descendant of Mary Queen of Scots, and therefore an illustrious character, and I have royal blood running in my veins. Also he was a man with bright red hair...(giggles)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation, sheís packing up.

NP: Thatís three seconds too early, because Derek, you have three seconds to take on the subject of my great-great-grandfather starting now.

DN: George Gabites, and he went out to New Zealand on a clipper.

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went and gained that extra point. Heís in second place with Sheila Hancock in the lead and Kenneth Williams in third and Peter Jones in fourth respectively. The next subject is whales and Derek Nimmo, would you start. Sixty seconds, starting now.

DN: The great excitement of being out on a whaler across the ocean with a spear in your hand, looking for the great monster to come out to sea, a sperm whale I see. Oh whatho I cry. And there I climb onto the deck and Moby Dick arrives too. What a splendid chap! Heís called that because he actually captured a whale back in 1874. Heís knocking on a bit now but it doesnít show. And then I saw on the ocean far...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams

KW: Deviation, Moby Dick diddnít capture the whale at all.

DN: I know, itís a name, he was called Moby Dick because he captured the whale. Itís a bit of fantasy!

KW: Youíre talking of the work written by Herman Melville and youíre completely misleading these people.

NP: What is your challenge?

PJ: He repeated ocean.

KW: Deviation. Deviation. Herman Melville never wrote of this actor, and heís using his name, and his actor to mislead these good people.

NP: I got the impression he called this whale Moby Dick, but it wasnít the Moby Dick of the novel.

KW: Thereís only one Moby Dick.

DN: Quite right. Very good chairman.

NP: Thereís 37 seconds remaining on whales still with you Derek, starting now.

DN: Llandudno was a place where I used to spend a lot of my holiday hours, climbing the Great Ord. What a splendid mountain! Have you ever popped up to the top of it, I ask the audience. No, they donít reply. But there I could see, across the sand, and often my granny, dear old lady that she was, would sit making sandcastles, or chateau le sarb as they say in France.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís deviating, I mean first of all, he was in Llandudno, now heís in France, nothing to do with Wales at all.

NP: Well, he was...

PJ: Rambling, practically raving.

NP: Which of course is what one does in this programme. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt Peter and say that you have 12 seconds for Wales starting now.

PJ: Whales, yes. I was thinking of those mammals, which are much sought for the tusks and blubber...

BUZZ.

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Deviation, they donít have tusks.

PJ: Donít they.

NP: Thatís a sea elephant.

PJ: Is that what it is, yes.

NP: Four seconds on whales with you Derek, starting now.

DN: Wails and the gnashing of teeth, thatís what I heard in Jerusalem, my goodness, what a fearsome cry..

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo showing us that he travels all around the world. Heís got a lot of points, and heís in the lead one ahead of Sheila now. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, and computers. Can you talk on them for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Computers have become the bane of my life. I used to enjoy getting personal letters from the Gas Board. But since then theyíve had this Mr Computer take over, who obviously every time he gets anything from me, a little message goes inside his body saying letís rip it up and get it into a muddle and send her back a letter saying she hasnít paid her bill with the result that I get a repetitious note from the Gas..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Well, there was a sort of ermmm between the repetitious and note.

SH: I was about to repeat letters you see.

NP: So Derek got in first with the challenge, he has 34 seconds to take over the subject and talk on computers starting now.

DN: My great-great-grandfather who lived in Wales...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Repetition of great.

NP: Yes. Thirty seconds Sheila after your good challenge on computers, starting now.

SH: Another aspect of modern life where these computers have come into being is the...ohhh

BUZZ

NP: Derekís got in again, yes Derek.

DN: Well, she did it again!

NP: Twentyfive seconds for you Derek, starting now.

DN: Two and three make five. Itís something that you can work out quite easily yourself, but when youíre given a computer, and I have one at home, a little funny thing. You have to press buttons and I find it terribly complicated...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He hasnít got a little computer, heís got a calculator.

NP: That is perfectly correct.

DN: Is it really? I didnít know the difference, did you?

SH: No.

DN: Well, you learn something every day donít you.

NP: And you have computers, Peter, you have 15 seconds starting now.

PJ: Theyíre very useful, because people are able to blame them, like they used to blame the war. I had a telephone bill for 75,000 pounds and I said no, this is not right, canít be, must be wrong, and they said well, the computer said youíve got to pay. And I said well, my computer says Iím not going to. And they said well...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones speaking then as the whistle went, gained the extra point, and heís moved into third place, and Derek Nimmo still in the lead, and Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, the subject: help. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Perhaps the most noble kind of help ever given on this earth to the fellow human beings around him is that from the nurses. I think particularly of those wonderful words: ďpatriotism is not enough, there must be no hatred in my heart for anyoneĒ and that is inscribed in place on the statue commemorating Edith Capill. One of the most noble people. The help that that lady gave to simply hundreds, cannot possibly be over-estimated. And you think of Nightingale in much the same fashion, when apropos the Crimea, she journeyed, sometimes on pack mule, sometimes ...

BUZZ

NP: Awwwww

KW: Whoís had the impertinenece?

NP: We were enjoying that.

KW: Who done it? Who done it!

NP: Didnít we enjoy it!

KW: Never mind that, who done it? Who had the impertinence!

NP: Sheila Hancock...

KW: I see. The nerve...

SH: Repetition.

KW: You wicked, you wicked girl.

SH: I donít care, you repeated sometimes.

NP: Youíve got to be fair, we are also playing Just A Minute.

SH: Yes.

NP: And you repeated sometimes, and Sheila was right to challenge. she has a point and she has seven seconds on help, starting now.

SH: If I can help somebody as I pass along, even though it be Kenneth Williams, I will try to do so.

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones, your turn to begin. The subject: a load of old rubbish. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well, I have appeared in a number of those in several different mediums, but I remember about 20 years ago, I went to an auction, and I actually bought a load of old rubbish for about 50p. Well, it was exactly that amount.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: He said er that amount.

NP: No, he didnít actually say er, he recovered very well and you got in too soon, there are 46 seconds for a load of old rubbish Peter, starting now.

PJ: The item that I really wanted to have was a picnic set. with plates, knives, forks and a singing kettle. But it also contained about 40...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes, well, Iíve challenged it. Iíve never heard of a kettle that sang. I think itís absolute rubbish.

PJ: Yes, it sort of whistled and sang you know.

KW: Thatís a different matter entirely, now heís talking about whistling. Deviation.

NP: Yes, some people do refer to whistling kettles as singing kettles.

KW: Of course they donít. They want their heads seen to!

NP: All I can say is...

KW: Iíve never heard such rubbish in my life!

NP: Kenneth, all I can say is...

KW: Imagine it! You put a kettle on and it sings ďCupful of mineĒ (singing)! What rubbish, you great fool!

NP: No, Iím going to give Peter the benefit of the doubt, because people do talk about whistling kettles as singing kettles sometimes. There are 35 seconds, Peter, on a load of old rubbish, starting now.

PJ: There were a number of carpenters tools, a kitchen table, and three small chairs. All for er this amount which I paid.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Iím afraid you said amount before.

NP: Yes, the word you searched for long time and got has come up again. Kenneth, you have a correct challenge, and you have 26 seconds on a load of old rubbish, starting now.

KW: This is what is talked by everyone on this panel, apart from myself.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, he talks more rubbish than anybody!

NP: How, how do I judge on that one?

KW: I donít know how you judge it mate, but weíve got a partisan audience, he got a great clap here!

NP: I donít know who speaks the most rubbish, I think I speak the most rubbish. So Ill give.... and as the audience has agreed with me, Iíll give a point to you for a correct challenge, and a point to you for an incorrect challenge and say that he keeps the subject and has 21 seconds on a load of old rubbish starting now.

KW: This is how one of the most eminent critics of London described the production that once went on of The Bohemian Girl, because it contained, behind them alas, a hidden orchestra. And the gentleman who was the leader of the violins, couldnít start in time because Beacham, who was controlling the baton, could not be seen from his point of view...

WHISTLE

NP: That wasnít a load of old rubbish, that was delighful. Kenneth, you were speaking when the whistle went, you gain an extra point. You are now equal with Peter Jones in third place. Youíre three points behind Sheila Hancock, who is one behind our leader, who is still Derek Nimmo, and Derek, your turn to begin. And the subject: hope. Can you talk about that for just a minute starting now.

DN: Faith, hope and charity, and the greatest of these is charity, or in the new English Bible they now say love which is a much better expression I think. But one thinks perhaps also of the Hope Diamond which has brought such misfortune to people throughout the world, taken from the idolís eye in India, and through the family of Hope, destruction was brought upon them. And the interesting thing it was finally given to the charge of President Nixon, and perhaps this contributed to his downfall, who knows? We must beware...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones, youíve challenged.

PJ: I donít believe it was given to President Nixon.

DN: It was actually.

PJ: Was it? Oh, doesnít matter.

NP: All right, Derek, the challenge was incorrect, and you have 24 seconds starting now.

DN: The fairest cape in all the world! Sir Francis Drake called the er thingamybob I just mentioned Hope.

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has just challenged.

SH: Er well, yes, it was a sort of hesitation.

NP: I would say it was hesitation. Sheila Hancock, you have a point and you have 17 and a half seconds on hope starting now.

SH: I think hope is one of the necessary things of life. Especially at the moment when things look black. Because without hope...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of things.

SH: Yes.

NP: Yes, too many things. Twelve seconds, no 11 seconds, on hope, Derek, starting now.

DN: Hope! Oh I hope itís going to be a lovely day when I go outside this theatre, because I know when I came in, the sun was shining, the birds were in the air, and I was filled with hope for the future. Thereís nothing that is quite so nasty...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, Derek was speaking as the whistle went again, and has increased his lead at the end of that round. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, and the subject is brandy. Can you talk about that for just a minute starting now.

SH: Brandy is one of the delights of life in my opinion. There is nothing nicer than to have a large glass filled... not filled actually...

BUZZ

NP: Derek.

DN: We had filled twice.

NP: Yes, once youíve said something you mustnít retract it, there are 50 seconds on brandy with you Derek, starting now.

DN: Iíve drunk brandy in various parts of the world, and I think the nastiest that Iíve ever drunk was at something called the Erhart Atoll, which is an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It was disgusting! It was unbelievably vile, and my stomach turned over on the boat as I took off again. Sometimes though, in Greece, you can drink a particularly flavoured brandy...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: Oh, Iím getting awfully bored with this world tour we keep having.

KW: Yes I agree, itís just a flush.

SH: Yes.

KW: Itís just a flush he keeps on that heís been all over the place

SH: I think heís working for the Tourist Board. He never stops! ďI was in GreeceĒ...

KW: Oooh I know!

SH: The Porta de Sole... Deviation!

KW: And heís rambling!

SH: Deviation, because you said ďone goes on...Ē well, I donít for a start!

KW: Precisely! Exactly!

SH: I havenít been beyond Balham this year! No, an incorrect challenge, and you can carry on!

NP: Derek, you have 22 seconds on brandy, starting now.

DN: Down at the George and Dragon in Balham, you can get a very nice glass of brandy. I remember last Tuesday I filled four of these receptacles with this muck. and shoved it down my throat! And I was happily...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of throat.

KW: Yes you had throat before, you did, you said it before Iím afraid.

NP: Yes, are you two working as a team now? There are 10 seconds on brandy Peter starting now.

PJ: Well, the best kind is made in Cognac of course. This other stuff..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well, thats not brandy, thats cognac. Deviation.

PJ: You can call any cognac brandy, but you canít call any brandy cognac.

KW: Ah, thats a very good point you see, aha! aaaaaaaaahh! Very good point!

NP: Give a point to the team over there, I quite agree Peter, just as i was going to say, so you have 5 seconds on brandy starting now.

PJ: And there are three areas divided into small...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, Peter you got a point then for speaking as the whistle went, you are one point behind Sheila, who is a few points behind our leader Derek Nimmo. And Peter, your turn to begin. Your subject, and oh a lovely subject: getting ready for breakfast. Just a minute to talk on it starting now.

PJ: I adore getting ready for breakfast. I leap out of bed, have a shower, and then I go downstairs into the kitchen, and I prepare these vast quantities of food. Great flagons of cream with porridge and smoked bacon, sausages, grilled kippers...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challemged.

SH: Deviation. Knowing Peter as I do, I just donít believe him!

KW: Well, thereís nothing in the game that says itís got to be true. You have to speak for 60 seconds.

NP: This is the trouble...

PJ: Itís not my fault youíve never stayed for breakfast!

SH: In future I will!

NP: He wasnít deviating from the subject. Weíre all going to be there for breakfast, heís got enough food for the whole family! Peter, you have 43 seconds on getting ready for breakfast starting now.

PJ: Devils kidneys are a particular speciality of mine, and I adore having these great silver covers...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of great.

NP: Yes, you had this great amount of food before , and now you have the great silver covers. There are 35 seconds, getting ready for breakfast, starting now.

DN: Oh golly, I do enjoy getting ready for breakfast. I have a workout at my Indian club first, to put me in the frame physically and mentally to consume this great feast. Now what is wonderful about the French, is that they draw up this list, they call it pater de journey. We call it break-fast, how rounded it sounds and how beautiful the toast is that follows... shut up Kenny... and then...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, shut up Kenny is not on the card.

KW: Thatís not fair, thatís not fair, he was provoked. I couldnít help laughing, therefore he was provoked.

NP: Well, everybody...

KW: You canít blame him for that, the poor boy! You canít blame him! Itís not fair, is it!

NP: Everybody gets provoked in this game! There are nine seconds, eight seconds, for Sheila on getting ready for breakfast with you, starting now.

SH: Unlike the gentlemen on the team, my preparations for breakfast are total chaos. The baby usually arrives at half past five, I have her tucked under one arm...

WHISTLE

NP: And Iíve just received a message that we have no more time, so we have now to wind up the game so let me tell you what the final score was. Well, Kenneth Williams who did very well and he certainly contributed a great deal, but he still finished in fourth place, but he was only two points behind Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock who were equal in second place. But they were some considerable way behind this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo. We hope you enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.