NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you. Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners in this country and throughout the world. But to welcome to the programme four exciting, talented, witty, clever individuals who are going to play show their skill with words, their verbal dexterity, and ingenuity, as they try and speak on a subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Chris Neill. And seated on my left, Tony Hawks and Justin Moorhouse. Will you please welcome all four of them! Seated beside me is Sarah Sharpe, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Performing Arts Centre here at the University of Lincoln, that fine University in that delightful county of Lincolnshire. And we have a fine Lincolnshire audience here. Scattered amongst them are some students from this University who are ready to enjoy themselves as we start the show with Justin. And the subject is sneezing. You have 60 seconds starting now.

JUSTIN MOORHOUSE: When I was a young child, in our Local News in Manchester, there was a report of a lady who sneezed constantly. Sneezed, sneezed...


NP: It's a wicked game, isn't it. Tony you challenged first.

TONY HAWKS: Yeah well you see he's allowed to repeat sneezing, isn't he.

NP: Yes.

TH: Because that's on the card. But not sneezed.

NP: That's right. So 53 seconds available for you Tony on sneezing starting now.

TH: About a decade ago, I hitchhiked around Ireland with a fridge. And got a lift with another...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Deviation.

NP: It's not, it's true! He did!

JM: Oh?

NP: And he wrote a book about it.

JM: I know, I've read it.

NP: So why did you challenge?

JM: Because there was no sneezing in that book!

TH: Ah there was. I'm going to come to that.

NP: He was building up to it. So Tony, an incorrect challenge...

JM: I'm sorry. You don't have to say, you don't have to say sorry, do you?

NP: No no no...

CHRIS NEILL: Yes you do actually!

NP: He does not, you shut up...

CN: It's always best!

JM: I am, I am sorry so if that doesn't make it into the programme...

NP: No, don't say you're sorry, Justin we love hearing from you, don't say you're sorry. Your interruptions are delightful.

CN: He's sorry, just accept it!

NP: Chris will you stop interfering! Forty-eight seconds Tony, with you on sneezing starting now.

TH: And a nun gave me a lift. Well I sneezed and she said...


NP: Paul challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Well this is bad enough, you're travelling around with a fridge and now a nun's given you a lift? How many items are you going to carry around... sorry, it's a bad joke! You could see where I was going. She gave him a lift, press for the fourth floor! I've got a picture of a nun carrying a lift, that's what I had in mind. There's no reason why the rest... hello! Who are you?

NP: He looked at me and said hello, who are you. I'm Nicholas Parsons and I'm trying to run this show.

PM: Oh hang on, I'll write that down! I'm glad to see there is some kind of power behind the throne going on.

NP: No no I let the power go every so often because we get wonderful surreal interruptions like that one before. And you get a bonus point for it because we enjoyed it.

PM: Oh thank you very much.

NP: But those who have read the book will know that he is speaking the truth. Tony you've still got the subject, you have another point of course, 43 seconds, sneezing starting now.

TH: And after I had done my sneezing before this woman of the convent, she said bless you. And I thought how nice to hear that from someone who is fully qualified! Then the journey went on but there's a good book you can read about that. Anyway I was sneezing only the other day and somebody came up to me and said "would you mind stopping that please, it's disturbing me, I'm trying to read, I'm on the Tube". I thought how unreasonable...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Repetition of read.

CN: I'd say sorry now.

JM: He said, he said ah, it's a good book you can read it. And then later on he said I was trying to read.

NP: No I said it was a good book and you can read it.

JM: No he said it as well.

TH: You can say it as much as you like, it's good for me generally!

NP: Justin you're trying so hard, I'm sure you've got it right. You have, you have the subject, 23 seconds with you Justin Moorhouse, sneezing starting now.

JM: The whole point of me telling you about the news story I saw where the...


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Repetition of news.

NP: Ah Chris you have a correct challenge and you have 20 seconds, sneezing starting now.

CN: They say that when America sneezes the rest of the world catches a cold. And that is indeed what has happened to our dreary poor economy.


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Deviation, no-one wants to hear about that!

CN: I'm sorry about that!

NP: I agree, nobody wants to hear about it. But it doesn't do any harm to be reminded. And what we'll do out of generosity, I'll give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption Justin. But you weren't deviating or doing anything wrong within Just A Minute. So Chris...

CN: Yes!

NP: Right, you have the subject and 10 seconds, sneezing starting now.

JM: There is nothing more intimidating than standing on a stage and feeling that little... oh...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation so we're going to hear from everybody on this subject. Five seconds are still available Paul, sneezing starting now.

PM: As we each sneeze, we involuntarily close our eyes. There's nothing we can do about that. It's an inbuilt reflex...


NP: So Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point and they're all pretty equal at...

CN: What? Even me?

NP: Yes even you. You're only one point behind all the other three.

PM: That's per usual.

NP: It's early days Chris, don't worry. Chris it's your turn to begin so will you start with the subject of tripe. I know you cook so it's probably been chosen for you, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CN: Tripe is a dish made from an animal's stomach. You could use a pig, a lamb, mutton, goat...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Mutton isn't an animal.

CN: No you're right. Well it is an animal, it's an old sheep.

NP: It's an older sheep is mutton. The older sheep are called mutton, the younger sheep are called lamb.

CN: Yeah.

JM: Well you don't say oh look at that mutton there, you say look at that sheep.

NP: That's what...

JM: If a pig walked in would you go oh look at that bacon?

NP: But if you're in a butcher's shop, you would say look at that mutton, look at that tripe, look at that lamb.

JM: I wouldn't because I am a vegetarian.

NP: You have an answer for everything which is very...

JM: Sorry. Sorry.

NP: We enjoyed your interruption, we give you a bonus point for what you said...

CN: Say sorry now!

NP: We don't apologise in this game Chris.

CN: Okay.

NP: You have a point for an incorrect challenge so you benefit from that and you keep the subject, 53 seconds, tripe starting now.

CN: Most of the tripe that is eaten is from the cow's stomach or indeed one of that creature's four stomachs...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Did we have a repetition of stomach before.

CN: Oh yes.

NP: Yes you had the stomach before yes, so Paul you have the subject of tripe and you have 46 seconds if you can starting now.

PM: I worked at Sainsbury's when I was 13 years old in the meat department. One of the things you had to do was go into this great vat of tripe with a plastic spade and pick it up and put it into a bowl and wrap it up. It is the most disgusting thing because once it gets into your fingers and then it goes into your hair. And before you know where you are, you've covered your entire body in tripe. And you're walking down Lincoln High Street saying "take me, I'm yours!" This is why we find today that a lot of people are buying tripe to base out the basic meaty substances that they normally have. It's a cheap substance. It tastes horrible but if you cook it and prepare it in the right way, then it will still be disgusting but hot!


NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Well he did very well but there was unfortunately a repetition of disgusting.

NP: Yes there was.

TH: Right at the end! He nearly did it!

NP: Yes we loved it all but unfortunately you left 10 seconds which you couldn't complete. So Tony's got it and tripe is with you Tony starting now.

TH: Some people might say that they hear a lot of tripe when they listen to this show. But I would reject that. I have learnt so much over the...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Tony Hawks. And the situation at the end of the round, they're all still very even. Tony's actually one point ahead of Paul, one point ahead of Justin, one point ahead of Chris, in that order. So Paul it's your turn to begin and the subject is the wash, 60 seconds, tell us something about the wash Paul starting now.

PM: In my working class childhood, I seem to remember that people did the wash one day a week which was the Monday. Before washing machines had come in, we had a little sort of grinder thing and it used to go through there and dry the clothes out. And you'd see on that day between Sunday and Tuesday...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Repetition of day.

NP: Yes.

PM: Yes I was trying to avoid Monday and I said day!

NP: So Justin, well listened, you have a correct challenge, you have 47 seconds, will you tell us something about the wash starting now.

JM: The wash is one of the great geographical locations of this area. Another one on the way in is the many rivers that cross the flat plains of Lincolnshire. I got charged 50 pence to get in. How much is it going to cost to get out? That's what I worried about...


NP: They loved what you said but I'm afraid Tony challenged you.

TH: Yes I just wanted to stop him incriminating himself further with the audience.

NP: So what's your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

TH: Actually I thought he um, I thought he had repeated cost...

NP: He didn't but...

CN: He also said charged.

NP: Shush, shush, what is your challenge?

TH: Repetition of....

JM: Yeah!

TH: Charged! Charged! Charged!

NP: No you can't have retrospective challenges, he repeated charged.

TH: Yes you took the word...

NP: You didn't say that so Justin has a point because he was interrupted. And there are 34 seconds for you Justin still on the wash starting now.

JM: I'll make sure that I have at least 50 more...


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Repetition of 50.

NP: Fifty, yes.

JM: You could bet on that really, couldn't you.

NP: So the wash is with you Chris and there are 31 seconds starting now.

CN: I remember when I was a child, every night, about 5-30, our Mum would...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JM: Five thirty's early evening, it's not the night.

CN: It is when you are about seven!

JM: You didn't say you were seven.

NP: No no he said when he was very young. I will support him on that so an incorrect challenge Chris, you still have the subject, 26 seconds, the wash starting now.

CN: The wash is an area, indeed of outstanding natural beauty, in the county of Lincolnshire. The tide comes...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: The audience, the audience seems to disagree with that! They are leading me to say it's deviation on the part of Chris, because the local audience seem to...

NP: The locals, I think they should be the final judges, they don't think it's a natural beauty.

CN: Well I'm easily pleased. I've never seen anywhere as gorgeous as the wash! I've been to Venice, I went to Rome, I've been to Paris, none of it compares to the wash!

PM: When you went to all these places, did you ever look out the windows?

CN: I did and I thought this is all very well, but it ain't the wash!

NP: Chris you have a bonus point for what you said just then because the audience enjoyed it. But Paul has the subject, the wash and there are 19 seconds starting now.

PM: When I think of all the places on God's good earth, whether it...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: God's gerd earth?

NP: What, what's wrong with that?

TH: Deviation.

PM: God's good earth.

TH: I think that was deviation from the English language then.

NP: No, it was God's good earth. We've all heard the expression.

TH: He said God's gerd earth. He deliberately went Scan...

PM: I went into a Northern region accent, I'm sure I did. (in Northern accent) God's gerd earth!

NP: He was saying it so the Lincolnshire people could understand him better!

CN: Oh Nicholas I'd take your points away now!

NP: No I think, I think you're um pushing boundaries a bit Tony there. So an incorrect challenge Paul, 16 seconds, the wash starting now.

PM: If you don't have a bath, you have to stand in front of the kitchen sink, get a face flannel, dip it into the water, with a bit of soap and then start moving the cloth across your body...


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Stop! I'm getting hot!

PM: You really do have a lonely life, don't you!

NP: Chris they enjoyed your interruption, bonus point to you. But Paul was interrupted so he gets a point for that, six seconds still with you Paul on the wash starting now.

PM: The good citizens of Lincoln stand up every...


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Well repetition of good. We've had God’s good earth.

PM: Yes he's right.

NP: Yes God's good earth yes.

TH: Note, note how he pronounced it the second time then!

NP: But I still understood him on both occasions. So four seconds with you Chris on the wash starting now.

CN: I remember on summer holidays...


NP: So Chris Neill got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And you'll be delighted and surprised to hear he has leapt forward with all the other points he has got, mostly for bonus and he is now in the lead, one ahead of Paul Merton and three ahead of Tony Hawks and Justin Moorhouse. And Tony we're with you to start and the subject we would like you to begin with is thinking out of the box. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

TH: I think the person who invented tripe was thinking out of the box. Three...


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Deviation, no-one invented tripe.

PM: Oh what about God?

NP: No you see, if you adhere to the Darwin theory it couldn't have been God either.

TH: Well I mean they did, didn't they? They decided to take...

PM: They invented the dish I think.

CN: Oh I see, rather than as a part of an animal.

TH: Yeah.

JM: The Romans invented tripe.

NP: Also you could say they invented the word to describe the entrails of the animal.

TH: You could if it was a particularly poor evening!

NP: Well anyway, anyway, Tony it was an incorrect challenge, you have a point and you have thinking out of the box, 55 seconds starting now.

TH: Very often you are required to think out of the box on this programme. You get a subject and you cannot just run with the normality of its interesting meaning. You have to go in another direction and I do this on regular occasions and really quite impressively, to be honest with you. I am quite magnificent on occasions.


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Ah repetition of quite.

NP: Quite yes. You were quite this and quite that. And so Chris you were listening well...

CN: It sounds like I've just made quite a good point at Question Time, doesn't it!

NP: Forty seconds, thinking out of the box with you Chris starting now.

CN: Thinking out of the box, blue sky thinking, all those silly phrases...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I got done by a terrible terrible mistake.

NP: Yes.

TH: Because thinking is on the card.

NP: On the card.

TH: And he said it again.

NP: You can use the words...

TH: But he gets a bonus.

CN: I get a bonus point!

TH: And I'm also very sorry!

NP: You don't get a bonus... no he doesn't get a bonus point, he gets a legitimate point for being, for having an incorrect challenge.

CN: You can give me a bonus point as well.

NP: No you've had plenty of those already! Thirty-five seconds, thinking out of the box Chris starting now.

CN: As a child towards Christmas, you'd look at the parcels underneath the Christmas tree... oh bugger!


NP: Justin yes.

JM: Repetition.

NP: Hesitation, repetition, 30 seconds, it's with you Justin now, thinking out of the box starting now.

JM: I bought a shirt last week and the assistant said "how would you like it?" And I said "I'm thinking out of the box!" Which is a silly joke really to get into. However... oh...


NP: Paul you challenged.

JM: I was amazed they were laughing! I'm sorry, I had to stop.

NP: Well you retired on your laurels, having got such a big laugh. We give you a bonus point for that. But Paul you had a correct challenge.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, 19 seconds, thinking out of the box starting now.

PM: It's trying to think differently to other people. I was recently queuing for a CD in a big London department store and saw that there was a massive queue upstairs in the rock department. So I suddenly thought to myself, if I visit the classical section, surely there will be very few...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: I challenged incorrectly.

CN: There's a word you say in those situations!

NP: So an incorrect challenge Paul, have another point for that, six seconds are available, thinking out of the box starting now.

PM: The scare electric set arrived, I was so excited! I removed all the constituent ingredients, bloods...


NP: Well Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, has moved forward, he's now equal with Chris Neill in the lead. But they're only just ahead of Justin Moorhouse and Tony Hawks in that order. And Justin we're back with you to begin, and the subject we’d like you to start with is fresher's week, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

JM: Fresher's week, or as we like to call it in south Manchester, a mother's seven days of Paradise, is one of the times that you often see volvos pulling up in leafy suburban streets. Young children...


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Deviation, subur-bin streets.

JM: Suburban streets.

CN: Well if only you'd said that!

JM: If only I'd had your chance in life and education!

NP: Justin you've justified what you said. Right you have got another point because of an incorrect challenge, 50 seconds, fresher's week starting now.

JM: I like to see these parents dropping off their offspring and saying good luck, bon chance, have a good time, be nice, keep talking and then you might get to the end of the minute.


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: You were doing rather well and then he sort of gave up a bit then.

NP: I know.

JM: If I'm being honest, I'm desperate for the toilet!

PM: I didn't know there was a prize! The golden bowl!

TH: I'll start trying now!

PM: Yeah!

NP: You obviously don't know that the show only lasts so long.

PM: I'll stop drinking this water.

NP: Do you want to go now?

JM: No I'm okay. I'll be all right.

NP: You'll be all right?

TH: I hope so!

NP: So Tony a correct challenge, 39 seconds Tony, with you, fresher's week starting now.

TH: I had a short university career at Manchester and...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: I did it again, I'm sorry.

NP: Why?

JM: Because I said Manchester.

NP: Justin, even, I know it's only your second show, but you are allowed to repeat the words that other people have used.

TH: Yes.

NP: So another incorrect challenge Tony, you have fresher's week and you have 33 seconds starting now.

TH: Kevin Brown and I spent quite a lot of it playing table football. I was particularly good, had a little striker painted on myself, red, and I wondered whether I could continually beat him and I...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Deviation, you had a little striker painted on yourself?

TH: No, no. I painted it on myself, I had taken the brush and I, I had made my striker that much redder...

NP: He's established...

CN: You're amazingly talented!

NP: What is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

JM: Deviation from the normal behaviour of a student in fresher's week!

TH: There is, there is...

NP: I...

TH: There is no normal behaviour, that's the point of being in fresher's week.

JM: Painting a striker...

NP: I've not only been at a fresher's week two year's running, but also I have entertained at fresher's week and I've seen the ridiculous and outrageous and unpredictable things that they do. So Tony it was an incorrect challenge, you have 24 seconds, you continue with fresher’s week starting now.

TH: And then I put a traffic cone on my head. That's how far I was prepared to push the boundaries of normality. It was extraordinary, the other students gathered around. Look at Tony, he's such a laugh! Let's...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I find this very hard to believe!

NP: Paul we give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption. But it was quite possible they did say that. They were all so high, of course they would!

PM: High on the love of Radio Four!

NP: Tony...

CN: They don't listen to You And Yours!

PM: There's a more aggressive version of that show called Up You And Yours!

NP: So nine seconds are still available for you Tony and another point of course, fresher's week starting now.

TH: And then I went back to my room and thought hey I'm wasting my time, I should be studying. And I took out my book and began to read. Napoleon...


NP: Well it's a very close contest because Tony Hawks got a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went and he's moved forward. He's now equal with Paul Merton in the lead. They're only one point ahead of Chris Neill and a couple of points ahead of Justin Moorhouse so it's an even contest. It's good because, you know, their contributions are all equal, aren’t they.

CN: But there is that toilet to play for, so...

NP: Which toilet?

PM: You know, the one that, you know, the one that we are vying for! The golden bowl!

NP: The golden bowl? All right, all right. And we are moving into the final round. Chris it's your turn to begin and the subject is prehistoric man. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CN: Prehistoric man was preceded by some dinosaurs...


NP: Justin you challenged.

JM: Hesitation.

NP: I think he was going so slow I could call that hesitation. Right, 56 seconds on prehistoric man, it's with you Justin starting now.

JM: My own recollection of prehistoric man, well, obviously I haven't got any memories of prehistoric man because I wasn't around at the time. But of cave dwellers and people with beards and lion cloths and people who had big...


NP: Oh Tony challenged.

TH: Yes I didn't want to, because I was going to learn so much about them! But...

JM: You really wasn't!

TH: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes you did say people twice. So Tony correct challenge, 45 seconds are available, prehistoric man starting now.

TH: Sometimes we overlook the difficulties a prehistoric man would have to go through just to make it through the day. We...


NP: Ah Justin challenged.

JM: Repetition of through.

NP: Yes.

TH: Ah yeah.

NP: You did say through twice. Going through.

TH: I think I did, have to go through to make it through the day yes. Yes.

NP: Well listened Justin, another point to you, 37 seconds are available, tell us something about prehistoric man starting now.

JM: The finest example of prehistoric man known to generations of people who have obviously been...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: He said people again.

NP: Said people again. Your favourite word.

TH: Stop saying people!

JM: I'm a people person!

NP: Tony back with you, another point and 33 seconds, prehistoric man starting now.

TH: If you have ever tried to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, you would be full of admiration for prehistoric man. It's so tricky, it is unbelievable. But I'll leave that aside and move on to something else. They didn't use to wear trousers. That was difficult for them. They'd go to discotheques and be laughed at sometimes...


NP: Justin challenged.

JM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JM: They didn't go to discotheques.

NP: No they didn't.

JM: They didn't.

PM: Oh no I disagree, on some of the cave paintings you can distinctly see a glittery ball!

JM: It was just rock and roll, wasn’t it, in those days.

PM: Well technically...

NP: Your last remark alone deserves that you get the challenge and you have another point Justin, 13 seconds, prehistoric man starting now.

JM: If there was such a thing as a prehistoric discotheque I would be first in the queue.


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: He didn't say people. He didn't say people.

NP: You get a bonus point for that because they enjoyed the interruption. But you get a point Justin because you were interrupted and you have nine seconds still, keep going, prehistoric man starting now.

JM: And it wouldn't really matter if I came home to my prehistoric cave and my pre...


NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Well repetition of cave, he said cave dweller before.

NP: Cave dweller yes.

CN: I know it's slightly retrospective but you know.

NP: He said it before, it's correct. So Chris you have four seconds, tell us something about prehistoric man starting now.

CN: Prehistoric man and indeed prehistoric woman...


NP: Well Chris Neill was speaking as the whistle went. Justin Moorhouse got lots of points in that round. But you will be interested and delighted to hear it's very even.

CN: Have I won?

NP: Actually I'm sorry that is a tautology. It's either even, you can't be very even. I apologise for my grammatical error.

CN: Look at all those students, they're gutted.

NP: They're on tenterhooks to know. But it's Tony Hawks, Justin Moorhouse and Chris Neill are all equal in second place. And only two points ahead is Paul Merton so once again we say Paul yes you are the winner this week. As far as I'm concerned, they're all winners for the amazing contribution they make to the show. So it only remains...

TH: Paul...

NP: Mmmmm?

TH: Sorry Paul, would you mind if Justin had first go with the prize?

PM: Well, I was hoping to be draining it full of champagne later on! Perhaps we ought to do that first?

NP: So this is what you were referring to before, was it?

TH: Yes.

JM: Tony had to get it out of his system! Sorry!

NP: I think you should all restrain yourself and keep it within your system. And thank you to these four fine players of the game, who all to my mind in wit and humour and contribution finished up equal. But they are Paul Merton and Chris Neill and Justin Moorhouse and Tony Hawks. Congratulations to all four of them! I also thank Sarah Sharpe, who has helped me with the score, blown her whistle with such aplomb. We are indebted to our producer Claire Jones. We are deeply indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are genuinely indebted to this lovely audience here at the Performing Arts Centre here at the University of Lincoln who have enjoyed themselves but helped us to enjoy ourselves. From our lovely Lincolnshire audience, from the panel and from me, Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in. Be with us the next time we play Just A Minute! Yeah!