NOTE: Jack Dee's final appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners in this country and throughout the world. But to welcome to this programme four exciting, talented, humorous individuals who are going to show their skill with words, their verbal dexterity and ingenuity, as they try and speak on a subject I give them and they do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And seated on my left, Josie Lawrence and Jack Dee. Would you please welcome all four of them! Seated beside me is Sarah Sharpe, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Radio Theatre at Broadcasting House, in Portland Place, West 1. We'll get straight on with the show. And Jack, you haven't played it so often but now we are going to ask you to begin the programme. And the subject we have got here for you is what gets my back up. What gets my back up, Jack, 60 seconds starting now.

JACK DEE: I'm a very easy-going kind of guy. But one of the things that really gets my back up is when people don't apologise when they've clearly done something very badly wrong. I've bought a television just before last Christmas. And when I switched it on, I found that the picture was upside down. Well, I rang the shop and explained the problem, and they said to me that that doesn't sound right. I said no, it actually does sound right, it just doesn't look right!


NP: Josie challenged.

JOSIE LAWRENCE: Two rights, I'm afraid.

NP: And two sounds yes. Well listened Josie, but it was a good story.

JL: It was a good story.

NP: It was true as well.

JL: Was it an Australian TV?

JD: Yeah.

NP: Josie...

JL: What is it?

NP: I'm going to tell you in a minute, darling. It's what gets my back up, you have a correct challenge, so you get a point for that. You take over the subject, there are 34 seconds, what gets my back up starting now.

JL: What gets my back up in the morning is my spine. Without it, I'd be all floppy! What really gets my back up is people with no senses of humour. People who are cynical... I've just said...


NP: Jack challenged.

JD: People.

NP: Yeah there was two peoples there.

JD: Repeating people.

NP: That's right, well listened Jack, you have the subject back with you, 23 seconds available, what gets my back up starting now.

JD: What gets my back up is people who...


NP: Paul?

PAUL MERTON: We had people before, I think.

NP: Yes we did, you talked about...

JD: Ah did I say before...

NP: Yes you did.

JD: Fair enough then.

NP: When you were talking before.

JD: No it was a correct challenge.

NP: The trouble is that once you've said it before, even if you come back in, you can't repeat the word.

JD: That constitutes a repetition, I see.

NP: Yes.

JD: Thank you.

NP: Paul you've got in, 20 seconds on what gets my back up starting now.

PM: Osteopathy.


NP: Clement you've challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation.

CF: And he didn't mention people!

NP: No he, he deliberately paused to get the laugh, it was such a good line, I'm going to give him a bonus point for that. But you get a point for a correct challenge, you have the subject and you have 18 seconds on what gets my back up starting now.

CF: The concept that there are particular things that cause this or that to one's body is not a subscription I would adhere to. That's a pretty clumsy sentence if I have ever had one. What gets my...


NP: Jack challenged.

JD: Well it has become deviation, hadn't it?

NP: I think it's deviation from English as we understand it.

PM: I think it was rigorous self-analysis!

NP: I think he almost admitted it himself. So Jack, benefit of the doubt, and five seconds still available, what gets my back up starting now.

JD: There are very few things that really annoy me to the extent...


NP: And what's the situation at the end of the round? Well Jack is now in the lead, Josie you're trailing them all a little.

JL: I know.

NP: But here's a subject which is close to your heart because I know you've been there.

JL: Is it?

NP: Yes I know you've been there. This is why we put it in for you. Mount Kilimanjaro.

JL: Oh!

NP: You've climbed it, haven't you?

JL: Yes and I could have said that and made some time up, couldn't I!

NP: No you can repeat it, darling.

JL: All right then.

NP: Because I've said it, you can repeat it, all right. Ready?

JL: Yes.

NP: Sixty seconds, Mount Kilimanjaro starting now.

JL: Mount Kilimanjaro is the highest free-standing mountain in Africa, Tanzania in fact. I know because I climbed to the very top of it, 5895 metres. That's 19, 000 feet...


JL: I've just said thousand.

NP: Jack's challenged.

JD: It was repetition of five.

NP: Oh!

JD: Oh yeah, the gloves are off now!

NP: I'm afraid five did come in twice, in your description.

PM: I wondered what a free-standing mountain was?

JL: Some of them are all, some of them are...

PM: Are they leaning against the wall?

JL: Yes! Some of them are leaning against things.

JD: Sometimes you get fitted mountains.

PM: Oh yes?

JL: You get bridges and mountains. Look, I did it and it nearly bloody killed me! So don't take the mickey, all right!

NP: You'll get back in again, darling, don't worry.

JL: Yes that's what they all say!

NP: Forty-six seconds on Mount Kilimanjaro starting now.

JD: I believe I'm right in saying Kilimanjaro was originally a volcano and that therefore it's ah one...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation.

JD: Complete hesitation.

NP: Yes, tell us something about Mount Kilimanjaro, Paul, in 39 seconds starting now.

PM: When I was unemployed, I climbed up Mount Kilaman-giro and what a fantastic information it was, for people on housing benefit. You climbed to the top...


NP: Josie you challenged.

JL: No he climbed twice.

NP: He not only climbed twice, it was impossible, what he did.

JL: Yes.

NP: So you have 31 seconds on Mount Kilimanjaro starting now.

JL: The worst thing about it is altitude sickness, you get to the volcanic area and you start to...


NP: Clement's challenged.

CF: She said it was volcanic before.

JL: I didn't, he did.

NP: No, Jack said volcanic. He said it was a volcano.

CF: Did you?

NP: Yes.

JD: No I didn't, it was Josie!

JL: (laughs) You lie!

NP: No, he said it was originally a volcano, she's not mentioned the word before. And certainly not volcanic. The other one was a volcano. Twenty-four seconds, another point to you Josie and we’re still with you on Mount Kilimanjaro starting now.

JL: On the fourth day I blew my nose and there was blood on the tissue, I felt terrible. My heart was beating, my head was aching. And the day of the ascent was the worst. We started at 10 o’clock at night, in the darkness, put our head torches on, and began to walk up to Stella Point. But for every step up, you slide two...


NP: I wanted to hear the rest!

CF: Did you?

PM: There's a booklet!

NP: I was absolutely in the story, but you've challenged her.

CF: Well mine is pretty interesting as well! Repetition of up.

NP: I know but I was with her, she was going up and up.

JL: Never mind.

NP: I wanted to go right to the top with you there.

PM: It was affecting your breathing, wasn't it.

NP: Yes I was getting a bit breathless.

PM: Yeah.

NP: Hypertension, hyper... oh no, verti... what's it called?

PM: Hyper supermarket.

NP: No no no, hyperventilating.

PM: Hyperventilating yeah.

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, you play by the rules of Just A Minute. And you have four seconds on Mount Kilimanjaro starting now.

CF: Oddly enough you can get very good telephone reception...


NP: So Clement Freud was then...

CF: That is true!

JL: Yes I found...

CF: Mobile phones from the top...

JL: I phoned and I was crying!

CF: Oh it was you?

JL: Yeah!

NP: Clement was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's now in second place behind Jack Dee, and just ahead of Paul Merton and Josie Lawrence. And Jack it's your turn to begin and the subject is, quite topical, you can take it many different ways though. The crunch, tell us something about the crunch starting now.

JD: The crunch is the nickname given to our common... ah...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Where do I begin?

JD: That sense of ennui from the audience. I feel I've so disappointed people. When I, when I, when I get it wrong, don't go awwwwww! It's hard enough without feeling I've ruined your evening, all right? I got it wrong!

NP: Josie you got it right, you have the first challenge in and you have 55 seconds, the crunch starting now.

JL: I love the feel of the crunch in your mouth. I like crunchy things, not soft floppy things. Remember nut cracknell that you used a little hammer with to hammer it out... oh!


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Ah repetition of hammer.

NP: Hammer yes.

JL: It's true.

NP: The hammer, hammer it out, yes it's two hammers, that's right, yes.

PM: Yes.

NP: Forty-five seconds, the crunch is with you Paul starting now.

PM: If we look at the crunch, we take our mind back perhaps to 1929 and the beginning of the great crash. Then it was called the depression, now we have to find other words that don’t sound quite so depressing. We call it a credit crunch or we say, as we used to do in the 1960s, there's a financial squeeze. But of course we all realise now that this is why we're here, in the Radio Theatre, watching Just A Minute, because it's free! Anybody can come in! We don't really care, who are those people on stage? I wish they'd turn the heating up, that would be a bonus! I've come all the way from Chipping Norton to be here tonight! That's what we like about the British spirit! We will survive the crunch! We will look it in the eye and we say you’ll never...


NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: That's 14 wes.

JL: Yes.

PM: I'm incontinent!

NP: We were, we were enjoying it so much. We occasionally let someone go on this flight of fantasy.

CF: Yeah I wanted him to go on for a bit, because it leaves less time!

NP: You wanted to get another point which you've got, and you've got seven seconds on the crunch starting now.

CF: I too, like Josie, had crunchy bars when I was at school, which I preferred to Mars, milky way...


NP: Clement again speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, has increased his lead. And it's also Clement, your turn to begin. And the subject now, Eros. Tell us something about Eros in this game starting now.

CF: Love, lust, intercourse, the statue in Piccadilly Circus ahhhh Aphrodite...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Definite hesitation yes.

PM: There was a slight hesitation.

NP: Errrr! Right, Eros is with you Paul, 53 seconds available starting now.

PM: Of course it is sore backwards. But when we look at the statue of Eros there in the centre of Piccadilly Circus, remember that particular...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: It's not in the centre of Piccadilly Circus.

NP: Well how would you describe it?

CF: The side of Piccadilly Circus.

NP: No it's in the centre. They go right around...

CF: You haven't been there lately.

JD: It's been moved, Nicholas.

CF: Yeah.

PM: It's been pedestrianised, but it hasn't been, it has been moved, you're right.

JD: It was moved.

CF: Mmmm, moved.

NP: Was it?

JL: We still consider it to be the centre.

CF: Trafalgar Square.

NP: We consider it to be the centre.

JD: I don't, it's been moved to the side.

NP: How many people think that Eros is in the centre of Piccadilly Circus? None of them! It's not in the centre then, 46 seconds, Eros with you Clement starting now.

CF: I am very pleased to talk about Eros in front of this knowledgeable audience who know where everything is anywhere! Fertility is what the son of Aphrodite, that I was going to mention, but I was interrupted by people who know nothing. He was in fact related, I'm talking about Eros, related to an awful lot of...


CF: Good challenge!

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of related.

NP: Related, yes, 21 seconds Paul, tell us something about Eros starting now.

PM: Eros is 45 feet away from the Criterion Theatre because it has been moved. Back in 1968 it was in the centre of the place I mentioned earlier on...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: He said centre twice.

NP: Well listened my love, you have Eros and you have 12 seconds starting now.

JL: Eros is a very romantic place in Piccadilly. Lots of people go there and sit and spoon together. The thing about Eros is its arrow is meant to be pointing at you, rather like...


NP: Ah Clement, Paul challenged.

PM: Well it's not really a place, is it. It's more of a statue.

NP: Yes but it's right in the centre...

PM: It's moved! Look, it's not far from here. Who's got a tape measure? I don’t mind!

JL: I was, I was speaking personally and to me, it's a place.

NP: It's a place and she established it was a place, and it is an area there and it's still pedestrianised, and in the centre of that is Eros.

JL: I agree!

NP: Which is really what she was trying to say.

PM: Yes.

NP: And I agree with her.

PM: Yes.

NP: So I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say you've still got the subject and you've got one second to go on Eros starting now.

JL: A lot of people think that...


NP: So Josie Lawrence was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. She's equal in third place with Jack Dee, they're one point behind Paul Merton and he's three behind Clement Freud in that order. And we move back to you Josie to begin, and the subject, I don't know whether it is your scene, but tell us something about it if you can, boy bands. Oh it is a toughie isn’t it, 60 seconds starting now.

JL: My favourite boy band recently, although we are going back a couple of decades, was Take That. I really like that particular boy band, especially the big...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I'm sorry to say this, repetition of that.

NP: That yes.

CF: True!

JL: The first that was with two Ts! Oh no, it has got two Ts, hasn't it!

PM: Can we have two teas and a plate of biscuits?

JL: Yeah! You're quite right!

NP: Paul it was a correct challenge, 51 seconds, boy bands starting now.

PM: The concept of boy bands is nothing new. We can look back to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons in the 1950s. On our own island we have the Beatles who perhaps were the most successful of all boy bands. They started off as being a troupe of four individuals from Liverpool who released records...


CF: A bit of a hesitation there.

NP: No he was going with great aplomb.

CF: He did stop between two words.

NP: In comparison with you he was actually motoring.

CF: You can't compare between...

NP: No no there was no hesitation.

CF: Ah.

NP: Thirty-seven seconds still with you Paul, boy bands...

CF: I want him to win!

NP: Boy bands is with you Paul starting now.

PM: I remember back in the skiffle days, there was a wonderful group called Clement Freud and the Zephyrs. And they had washboard and bass drums and they had fantastic hits of the day. Bill Haley and the Comets had nothing on them. Boy bands have been around for years. Because, like the Monkees, they can sometimes be manufactured, or in the case of the people I mentioned earlier, they came together because they all grew up in the same sort of area...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of same.

NP: Oh yes you did say the same, same group, same bands. Fourteen seconds, you got in at last Clement, I know this is your subject! You’ve been dying to speak on it, 14 seconds, starting now.

CF: The French who call Boy George (in French accent) Boy George (normal voice) had me think...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I don't know, is that repetition of Boy George?

NP: It's a repetition of George.

PM: Yeah.

CF: No!

NP: If you're putting it in the French, it should be garçon George. What did you say then?

CF: Boy George and (in French accent) Boy George.

NP: It's the same words, slightly differently pronounced. If you want to change your accent midway through a sentence...

PM: That's ridiculous! We can't play the game like that, can we Nicholas?

NP: No no! Nine seconds for you Paul on boy bands starting now.

PM: (in country voice) If we look at Sleigh from the black country lane, they were a great boy band...


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: That's not a black country accent.

PM: Didn't say it was! I didn't claim it was!

JL: Yeah, yes that's true, he didn't say it was.

NP: He didn't claim it was.

PM: No.

NP: But he did say a black country and he was trying to convey it was. And I'm going to give you, as you know that area, and you were brought up around that area, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. And say that you have a correct challenge with five seconds on boy bands starting now.

JL: I don't mean to be mean but boy bands are usually made up of two who can sing and two...


NP: Saved by the whistle Josie! You were just about to say two again, weren't you, my love!

JL: Yes.

NP: No you got in, you got the point for speaking as the whistle went, where are you? Um you're in third place, just behind Paul, just ahead of Jack, and you're all just a point or two behind Clement who is in the lead. Paul it's your turn to begin, the subject is now following your nose. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PM: As a piece of advice I suppose if you want to know that you are doing the right thing in life, following your instincts. Maybe that's what it means, following your nose. Getting something inside your head and believing that you might be able to follow this dream. Follow your...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: You can't get your nose inside your head!

PM: He's right, you can't!

NP: You're absolutely right. So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A...

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It's biological.

NP: Yes but he wasn't talking about logic, he had taken it as a phrase, follow your nose which is a phrase of following your instincts and...

JL: You can get your nose into somebody else's head. Apparently.

NP: Oh don't complicate it!

JD: That's what happens in the black country.

NP: I think actually...

JL: I'll show you then!

JD: Can we go now then?

NP: No I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt because he was speaking metaphorically and not literally about the nose and the head and wherever it was. So...

CF: Metaphorical yes!

NP: Not metaphorically yes so if I can redress the balance with you later Clement, of course I will. So 46 seconds, following your nose, with you Paul starting now.

PM: I'm reminded about a person of restricted growth who was sacked from the nudist colony for poking his nose into other people’s affairs. If we look now at this day and age we can see lots of people out in the streets of London who have followed their nose. They have come from other parts of this country and they have realised that if they want to make a name for themselves, then to come to the capital, just like Dick Whittington did all those centuries ago, to prove their character, forged in the steel of this massive city that we live in. Yes I'm not afraid to stand up in front of you and say I am a transsexual!


NP: Oh!

PM: I used, I used to be a man!

NP: Oh that was a classic moment on Just A Minute. But Clement interrupted it, what did you challenge for Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

PM: That's rich, considering you paid for the operation!

NP: He only hesitated, when did you think he hesitated?

CF: Well you're almost running out of time to give me the benefit of the doubt!

NP: You're quite right Clement! And I think after saying transsexual, he did hesitate actually. So I think we give Paul a bonus point for his contribution. Clement was right, he gets the benefit of the doubt, he has a point for a correct challenge, 11 seconds, at last you've got in there on following your nose, Clement starting now.

CF: Following my nose is not at all difficult, because it is lengthy and points in a particular direction, unlike many people's noses who are all...


NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's still one ahead of Paul Merton in that order, and then Josie Lawrence and Jack Dee. And Jack we're back with you to begin, the subject is love at first sight. What a terrible expression to make at the thought of that subject! Anyway it is a difficult one to talk on, 60 seconds starting now.

JD: Love at first sight is something that most people hold out huge hope for, most of their lives, thinking that one day they will meet someone and bingo, they will be stone in love with them, and that will be that for the rest of their life. But it doesn't often happen like that. I've been happen, happy... oh!


NP: Josie challenged.

JL: Oh he stumbled because...

NP: Yes.

JD: I was remembering...

JL: Remembering your lovely wife?

JD: Yeah.

JL: Ohhhh!

NP: But it was a hesitation.

JL: Yeah it was a hesitation, get rid of him!

NP: Josie, love at first sight, you have 43 seconds starting now.

JL: Some people say it's lust at first, but I do truly believe in love at first sight. Though unfortunately it's always been unrequited. I saw a bloke a couple of years ago and looked at me. I looked at him, smiled, but then I realised he didn't think of me the way I thought of him. Because he was with another woman. And so I walked up to the bar and said who is that man over there? My heart was racing, I was sweating, I was falling in love with him. I went up to him and said "excuse me, will you get rid of that lady that you're with and come with me?" And he said "no, go away, you ugly little horse raider." He called me up... that and...


JL: I don't know where horse raider came from! What is a horse raider?

NP: That's what happens on Just A Minute, things come out from nowhere! We have a transsexual over there and a horse raider on my left.

JL: What is a horse raider?

NP: My goodness me!

CF: Could it have been because you were sweaty?

JL: Yes I was sweaty. Some men like sweaty.

NP: Could, could it have been because you were watching the film which was reissued on television just recently called The Horse Whisperer?

JL: I did!

NP: There you are, you see! It was a connection, an unconscious connection.

JL: Yes.

JD: So why didn't you say horse whisperer?

JL: Because the day before I'd watched Raiders Of The Lost Ark!

NP: But Paul, your challenge?

PM: Hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, right. So you have three seconds...


PM: I'll try and make them as short as I can!

NP: Those are the rules of the game. Love at first sight, Paul starting now.

PM: There she was, Eileen Jacobs, standing there...


NP: So Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And he's now gone one ahead of Clement Freud, and closely followed by Josie Lawrence by Jack Dee. And we're moving into the final round. I would like to know who it is, what's her name, Jacobs?

PM: Eileen Jacobs.

NP: You've mentioned her three or four times in Just A Minute over the years.

PM: Yes, funny that, isn't it.

NP: Well it gets a laugh, but I wondered if she did mean something to you.

PM: No no it's just a funny name.

JD: Just another transsexual! A friend of his!

PM: That's what my other passport says!

NP: Right, Clement Freud it's your turn to begin, the subject is binge drinking, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Is a close relative of Bing Crosby.


PM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes but it was a good line. Give him a bonus point for his Bing Crosby joke, 47 seconds Paul on binge drinking starting now.

PM: Drinking binge is one of my favourite hobbies, I love it. I get round the back of the bins round the hotels and I start knocking it back. Binge drinking, of course they say it's very bad for you. You should know that when you've had one drink you shouldn't follow it immediately up with another. If you look perhaps at the example, of somebody out on the street and somebody you see like, somebody somebody...


NP: Josie challenged

JL: Two somebodys

NP: Yes well done Josie you listened well, 39 seconds available, you tell us something about binge drinking, 39 seconds starting now.

JL: Do you know I was watching the television the other night and there was something on one of the channels. I probably can't say the title. But it was about these people who go out on a Friday and a Saturday and just drink! Binge...


NP: Jack challenged.

JD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JD: Because you were watching The Horse Whisperer!

JL: I wasn't! I wasn't!

PM: I've not seen the show The Horse Whisperer. Is it about somebody with a sore throat?

NP: It's a brilliant film with Paul Redford.

PM: Paul Redford?

JL: No, Robert Redford.

NP: Robert.

PM: They're both in it!

NP: I get, Paul Newman and Robert Redford, I'm sorry.

PM: The Redford brothers are in it, are they?

NP: Yes, sorry I was getting confused there. It's a great film, great film.

PM: I sometimes wake up in the morning feeling a little hoarse! Being a transsexual yeah, as my sponsor kindly points out.

NP: Ah who challenged who then?

JD: I, I challenged Josie.

JL: Jack said I was watching The Horse.

NP: That's right well Jack, we give you a bonus point because we enjoyed your interruption. But Josie gets a bonus point because she was interrupted because it was an incorrect challenge. And she keeps talking about binge drinking if she can for 18 seconds starting now.

JL: These lads went into this club and ordered 20 shots of vodka each, downed them and went to another place and they got a bottle of white...


NP: Jack's challenged.

JD: I think that was a hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation Jack yes.

JD: Only a tiny one and I can speak, or rather, I can't!

CF: You try after...

JD: Mmmmm?

CF: You try after 20 vodkas!

JD: Yeah!

NP: Right, nine seconds are still available Jack, binge drinking starting now.

JD: Binge drinking is the thing that the Government have tried to clamp down on, just another way to spoil all our fun. Because most of us, let's face it, rather enjoy drinking...


NP: So Jack Dee brought that show to an end, which, ah, he brought it to an end in great style and he finished up in a magnificent fourth place. But he's only, oh no, it's the contribution! It's not the points! He was only two points behind Josie Lawrence, she did a wonderful job. The two of them haven't played as much as the other two here. And Clement Freud did incredibly well and so did Paul Merton. And they finished, they've both got the same number of points so we say joint winners! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Josie Lawrence and Jack Dee. I thank Sarah Sharpe, who has helped me with the score, blown her whistle so delicately when the 60 seconds elapsed. We thank Claire Jones our producer. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are grateful to this lovely audience here at the Radio Theatre who have cheered us on our way with great style. From our audience, from me, Nicholas Parsons, and the team here, good-bye and tune in the next time we all play Just A Minute!