JAM:PMerton,GBrandreth,SPerkins,LTarbuck
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, GYLES BRANDRETH, SUE PERKINS and LIZA TARBUCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 January 2009)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme four delightful, exciting, wonderful, humorous individuals who are going to play Just A Minute. And they are, seated on my right, it is with great pleasure we welcome back that fine comedian and outstanding player of this game, Paul Merton. And sitting beside him a lovely clever presenter, comedian, actress, Sue Perkins. And seated on my left, that wonderful raconteur and brilliant author, Gyles Brandreth. And seated beside him, we have the lovely enchanting, brilliant actress and comedy performer, Liza Tarbuck. Will you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Sarah Sharpe, she is going to help me keep the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Radio Theatre in the heart of Broadcasting House. And we are going to start the show with Paul Merton. And Paul what an interesting subject. If I could see into the future. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Being in the areas of television and radio, you sometimes record a programme in advance and look forward to it going out. In some ways that is predicting or being able to see the future. For example, an excellent edition of Just A Minute that we are recording now will go out in the year 2009, to be beamed...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles you challenged.

GYLES BRANDRETH: Just A Minute is on the radio, he's talking about seeing things on the television in the future.

PM: I said television and radio at the top.

GB: No!

NP: I think he conveyed that um ah, that these things would be seen. I mean... what did you say actually?

SUE PERKINS: It's that level of control I love about you Nicholas!

GB: Nicholas...

PM: Am I expected to listen to what I am saying? I did say television and radio.

NP: Yah I know you did, that's right. I just thought I'd find out whether you definitely did or not.

SP: Have you not got a seeing radio at home yet Gyles? You should step into the future.

NP: So Gyles that wasn't an incorrect challenge...

GB: I like to look at my microwave, that's fun enough for me!

NP: So Paul gets a point for an incorrect challenge, he keeps the subject and there are 44 seconds still available Paul, if I could see into the future starting now.

PM: If I could see into the future, I would be able to lay bets on things like the FA Cup Final, the Grand National, the Boat Race. Determine the winner before the actual result is played out. I would amass...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: I think repeat of played.

NP: Yes, there was a repetition of played, well listened Sue. You have got a correct challenge, you have a point of course for that, you have 33 seconds available, if I could see into the future starting now.

SP: If I could see into the future, I would find any means at my disposal to conceive of seconds going forward where I did not repeat or hesitate or deviate in any way, shape or form. Instead all I can see is a buzzer, hearing it distantly sounding as ineva, inevitably...

BUZZ

SP: I told you! I'm a seer!

NP: Gyles you challenged.

GB: I was providing a sound effect to go with that wonderful rendition. But then she enabled me to do so because there was a moment of hesitation.

NP: There was definitely.

GB: A fumble or a stumble.

NP: Darling you were winding yourself up to such a pitch nobody could have kept going at that delivery or style.

SP: Least of all me!

NP: Right. But you did wonders in that few seconds that you were going. And Gyles has a correct challenge, he has 18 seconds, Gyles, tell us something about if I could see into the future, starting now.

GB: If I could see into the future, I would be very surprised because my eyesight really is not what it used to be. I'd also be rather depressed because at the moment of course looking into the mirror, the vision that is before me is rather lovely...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Slight hesitation?

NP: Very slight one but not enough to penalise him.

SP: And a repetition of because, I think.

NP: I'm sorry, you can't have retrospective challenges.

SP: Well...

NP: Your first challenge, your first challenge was for hesitation and that was incorrect.

SP: You are being a very difficult foal today Nicholas.

NP: No I am not, I'm trying to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute with four brilliantly bright people surrounding me, getting round me and trying to wind me up. Gyles, Gyles, an incorrect challenge... you needn't look like that. You can look happy now because you have eight seconds to continue on if I could see into the future starting now.

GB: As Nicholas and I know, the future really amounts to a lot of crossed out names on the Christmas card list which is very sad for us. Because we have reached the age when...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Gyles Brandreth and at the end of that round he has three points which you could have worked out for yourself if you had wanted. Paul has one, Sue has one. And Liza has yet to speak but she is going to start now and we've got the subject of Joe Public. I don't know whether you fancy it as a subject but you've got to try and talk on it for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

LIZA TARBUCK: Joe Public is the name given to the masses or the common ordinary run of the mill...

BUZZ

NP: Yes you...

GB: Hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation, she's a pretty smart lady, she couldn't go beyond that, run of the mill people... right! Gyles there was a hesitation, 52 seconds, Joe Public is with you starting now.

GB: I was a Member of Parliament. I have consequently had my fill of Joe Public. People who rejected me when I was giving them my all! The worst thing was meeting my constituents on a Friday night in the local public house. They would have a pint of beer in one hand...

BUZZ

NP: Liza you challenged.

LT: You know what? That was an error, it was public and public, and public is in the word. Public house, public.

NP: Yes public house yes.

LT: I do apologise.

NP: So you take it back?

LT: I do take it back although I'm a bit worried about you being in Parliament and letting all this out.

GB: It's all over now! Oh yeah!

LT: Thank God!

GB: The people spoke!

NP: I think you're right, I don't think you'll get back in now!

GB: No! No! And I don't want them because I've had my fill of Joe Public as I'm about to explain if I'm given the chance.

NP: All right, all right, don't get too upset. You might alienate this audience here as well as...

GB: Oh!

PM: Let's hear why Gyles hates every single one of you!

NP: Liza because you interrupted him I'm afraid he has to get a point for that...

SP: Don't encourage him!

NP: Forty seconds are available for you Gyles on Joe Public starting now.

GB: The people in this room are extraordinarily physically attractive whereas...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes you talked about people before. You talked about the people in the pub and so forth. Right so well listened Sue, a correct challenge, a point to you. Joe Public is now with you and 37 seconds starting now.

SP: As a member of Gyles's public, I looked on while he was a Member of Parliament and thought he seems like a rational, reasonable human being who must love his constituency so. And now I hear he has nothing but contempt for us. All of us are the same revolting scum...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of us.

NP: Yes that's right, us yes yes. She went so fast it was difficult to pick it up but you were right. Yes, 25 seconds, Joe Public with you Paul starting now.

PM: The song written by Neil Innes which his group the Rutles plays called Joe Public in which he addresses the very idea that the national consensus that we have amongst our population is something that must be listened to. It used to be called the man on the Clapham omnibus. But now Joe Public represents all that is decent about Britain, the British way of life, the whole...

BUZZ

PM: ... wreath... there's a march! There's a march going on somewhere! Where's that! Look! Let's march down to Broadway! Let's march to Broadway!

NP: Gyles has challenged you before you got marching!

PM: Oh I was turning into Oswald Mosley then!

SP: Do you know I was with you! I would have stormed the barricades!

NP: I know! Half the audience were up behind you then, yes. Anyway Gyles you challenged?

GB: Well I can see why he is going to get elected. It was powerful stuff. He is the Barack Obama of South London!

PM: Or he's the Paul Merton of Washington!

GB: You know, I'd settle for that!

NP: What is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

GB: Ah hesitation, he got himself so involved in this oratory that there was a pause as he lifted his fist...

NP: No! No it was all dramatic effect! He was going with great panache and style. I mean I was almost out the room with him, I was. No no no...

PM: You had your coat on, didn't you, you had your coat...

NP: Yes! So no, I don't think it was hesitation at all.

GB: What do you think it was then?

NP: It was...

SP: He was just listening, that's perfectly legal.

NP: It was a complete continuous tirade! Or...

GB: Okay.

NP: Or oration.

GB: I'll accept it, that's okay.

NP: You have to accept it because I'm the chairman and I give out the rules.

GB: No that's fine. I've always suspected it. It's clear that he's on drugs! I'm not against that, I'm on them myself, Class A of course, because I'm a conservative.

PM: Even on drugs, you're a snob!

NP: I'd like to give you both a bonus point as well because we enjoyed it. Anyway Paul you didn't pause as far as I'm concerned and you have five seconds left to tell us something more about Joe Public starting now.

PM: As I stand in the middle of this island like so many of us I think about the future and I say to Joe...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and with others in the round he's now taken the lead just ahead... no, sorry, Gyles is in the lead. I didn't realise you had scored so many points Gyles. And Paul, you're trailing him by two points. Then comes Sue Perkins and Liza in that order. And Sue we'd like you to begin the next round. The subject is the art of exaggeration, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

SP: Nicholas Parsons and I are to be married. Is an example of exaggeration. We merely...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: That's desperation! Not exaggeration! Let's be clear! Nicholas, you'd agree with that!

NP: I don't, I don't know whose side the desperation is on!

SP: That's nice to know! I'm radically revisiting what I'm about to say, I'll tell you! It's off Nicholas! The engagement's off! You can keep your ring! There you go!

NP: No no no, there we are, I'm overwhelmed. Paul it wasn't a correct challenge but we did enjoy your interruption so we give you a bonus point for that. Sue gets a point because she was interrupted and she has 54 seconds to continue on the art of exaggeration starting now.

SP: The reality of our relationship is we merely brushed dry cheeks in welcome as I attended this performance at the esteemed BBC Theatre. We shook hands a little bit. I looked on and admired his silver fox like stature. A gentleman so admired in light entertainment, the art of...

BUZZ

NP: I was enjoying that, why did you...

GB: Two admired. You can listen to it later, she'll do it all for you privately afterwards. But I think I heard the word admired twice.

NP: You did actually but I was going to let it go because I was enjoying it. But you have a correct challenge Gyles, well done. A point to you, 36 seconds, the art of exaggeration starting now.

GB: Well the six months that I spent with Jennifer Lopez were amongst the happiest of my life. It was she who introduced me to the art of the Swiss kiss, which is the French one for which you yodel. The noise is terrible, and there is a slight aftertaste of e-menthol. But the beautiful lady said she would recall this for her instant length of her entire life.

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Sorry what was the word she used then?

GB: May I explain that we were actually Swiss kissing, her mouth was full of cheese.

PM: Well do you think Jennifer Lopez would pronounce that word with a mouthful of cheese?

NP: I haven't really had a relationship with her so I wouldn't know. But Gyles you still have the subject with another point, 17 seconds, the art of exaggeration starting now.

GB: The art of exaggeration requires credibility. It's always essential to make people believe that what you are saying might be true. So when I met Mrs Indira Gandhi who was not as humourless as I thought, goose her and she livened up no end...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: We had le-ength and now we had goo-oosse her. Now you were not Swiss kissing Indira Gandhi!

GB: No. It is very interesting. When I talk about sex in public my mouth goes all wobbly, I've noticed that. I shall try and avoid it for the rest of...

NP: Gyles I gave you, I gave you the benefit of the doubt last time.

GB: I'm now, I agree, I'm now giving too much information, I will retreat.

NP: I know now the benefit of the doubt goes to Sue because that llllllllll was just a bit too much I thought. Sue you have the subject of art of exaggeration again, six seconds are left starting now.

SP: I was on a trampet naked with Russ Abbott when he turned to me and said projectual is always my favourite...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sue Perkins was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and she's moved forward. She's equal now with Paul Merton in second place just behind Gyles who is in the lead. Liza is trailing them a little. And Gyles it's your turn to begin, the subject, I don't know why they've given this one to you. Tomboys, can you tell us something about tomboys in this game starting now.

GB: Tomboys, don't you just love 'em. All the advantages of a woman with the ability to chop wood! I adore the girl who can handle a chopper and at the same time unscrew a jar without banging it on the floor...

BUZZ

NP: Liza, Liza, Liza's challenged you.

LT: I'm terrified here, I'm going to stop him for, I'm going to say deviation.

NP: Why?

LT: I'm clutching at straws but he's frightening me.

PM: Is it within your powers to issue an ASMO?

SP: He does need, he needs ankle bracelets.

LT: Yeah.

SP: He needs electronic tagging.

NP: I think he does need a word of caution. Especially Liza was sitting gently beside you and she was really getting quite inhibited by your... I should explain to our listeners, there were the most manic gestures he was using to illustrate...

LT: You should see what he did for chopper!

PM: I wasn't too sure about tomboys!

NP: I know.

SP: What I loved were what the twin poles of feminine experience were, chopping a log and smashing a jar!

NP: I know, it wasn't, it was unscrewing, it was unscrewing that was so...

SP: Oh I see.

NP: Yes and I think actually that was an exaggeration and therefore a deviation of a typical tomboy. They're not as...

GB: No that's the whole point, they can take a jar and instead, you and I...

NP: No, tomboys are ones...

LT: Don't change your voice suddenly! Just to make him believe you!

NP: Liza it was an exaggeration of what a tomboy is. A tomboy doesn't go to that...

SP: Oh I don't know, but um...

NP: I do know and I'm saying it! Right! That would be an over-mascualted girl. Right Liza you have the subject of tomboys and there are 48 seconds now.

LT: A girl who might be considered to play boys' games, ie. light fires or make camps could be called a tomboy. As a child I was into those sort of things. But by the same token I used to enjoy playing Barbie and dolls and drawing as well. So I think the term is somewhat archaic and possibly invented by somebody like Gyles who likes to buttonhole ladies into a certain place and possibly keep them there. For how long? And under lock and key? I'm not entirely sure. But I am terrified...

BUZZ

NP: Paul...

PM: Are you suggesting he's got some sort of cellar?

SP: He's got a tomboy dungeon! And all the little ladies there can unscrew jars and stare at a chopper...

LT: Yeah!

SP: Into the basement!

NP: So Paul what was your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: I don't have a challenge, I just want to be shown around the room!

SP: He wants a tour.

PM: Yeah I want a tour, I want a tour!

NP: All right, give Paul, because they enjoyed his challenge, a bonus point. Liza you get a point because you were interrupted...

LT: Thank you.

NP: You keep the subject, and you have 20 seconds, tomboys starting now.

LT: In Gyles's tomboy cellar...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: Repetition of Gyles, one's always acute to the sound of one's own name.

LT: Did I say Gyles or did I say Gyles's?

GB: You said Gyles three times. I was enjoying it. I was enjoying it. I was enjoying it. And look what I've written on the thing here. O-7-7-3-0-2-1...

LT: I won't tell you what Iíve written!

NP: All right so Gyles you get a point for a correct challenge. Liza gets a point because we enjoyed her response to your remark, that's a bonus point to Liza. And Gyles you have tomboys still, 19 seconds starting now.

GB: Thick thighs, broad shoulders, butch yet girly. The point is this. It's a combination of Peter Pan and Wendy. When I went to my analyst this afternoon it was explained to me...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Since when did either Peter Pan or Wendy have big butch thighs? I mean you can't fly if you've got big old thighs.

LT: You can't be airborne. It's that fellow from The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe in his dreams.

SP: You're talking about Geoff Capes with wings. It doesn't make sense! It's a fantasy!

GB: This is actually quite delicate territory for me. You know, if you're just going to walk all over my dreams like that.

LT: Yeah I think we ought to!

GB: Well I quite like it actually.

NP: Well they are rather strange dreams.

LT: Yeah yeah.

SP: He's, diversion from the theme of tomboy into...

NP: Yes I agree with your...

SP: ... Britain's Strongest Man but airborne!

NP: Sue I agree with your challenge, you have tomboys, you have 19, no, 10 seconds starting now.

SP: Tomboys are beautiful adolescent creatures who like doing all sorts of things, but nonetheless get collared by stereotypes. So what, they want to climb trees and call apples and carry knives...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sue Perkins brought the round to a close on that occasion, got the extra point for doing so. And I think hers was the best description of a tomboy of all the attempts that were made in that round.

SP: Strange that, isn't it!

NP: Nothing's strange with you Sue, you can encompass anything you want.

LT: Crack nuts with those thighs!

SP: Oh yeah! I just done an almond!

NP: Liza will you take the next round, the subject is my voice. My voice is the subject, you have 60 seconds if you want them starting now.

LT: My voice is a tool that I've acquired over the year by smoking cheroots, drinking turps and eating the fluff out of coats. I've arrived at this particular conclusion and I'm quite happy with it, at least content. I can raise it, lower it, throw... er...

BUZZ

LT: Ah, it!

NP: Trying to avoid the it were you?

LT: I was actually, yeah.

NP: I thought so.

LT: What can you do?

NP: Sue you got in first.

SP: Ah yeah.

NP: Hesitation.

SP: Hesitation.

NP: Forty-four seconds, my voice starting now.

SP: My voice...

BUZZ

NP: Hesitation yes Paul?

PM: Oh you beat me to it! Point to Nicholas, you carry on with the subject starting... Hesitation.

NP: My voice, hesitation yes.

SP: I realised I hadn't started.

PM: That's right.

SP: It goes quick though.

NP: For once, you speak so quickly, but for once you didn't start.

SP: Yes. That's me for you though, capricious.

NP: And that's why I said it because I'm listening like that, I know what the challenge will be if it comes in, so I actually put the challenge in before I said who gave it.

PM: Yeah. It's good.

SP: Yes.

PM: It's interactive, it's almost like we're here together!

NP: That's right. I like to explain to the listeners what's going on in my thought process.

PM: Exactly.

SP: No it's all there, I mean I don't know what order it's in but it's all there!

NP: Forty-three seconds Paul, my voice starting now.

PM: (in posh voice) My voice has been trained by the Kennel Club of Great Britain. I make announcements on all the major railway termini in the country. The 10-47 to Leeds has been diverted to Barcelona. These announcements that I make across the air waves...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Sorry, announcements, was there a repetition of announcements?

NP: Yeah, thank you. I was so carried away, I thought someone would have him for deviation because I have never heard a railway announcement like that. (very fast in tangled Cockney accent) They always go the following station is Rockford Five, is coming at Lambford Greedy, and it goes stand by the doors, it's getting worser now, it's going to go at 4-45.

PM: That's why you don't do it any more!

NP: I've never heard a distinctive plummy voice before, so Sue, correct challenge there, my voice, with you, 26 seconds starting now.

SP: Once upon a time my voiceover agent rang to tell me I had been requested specifically for an advertisement for diarrhoea. I enquired why is it that my tone should be used to support this idea of an ad campaign. Well, you just reeked of it, she said, which didn't thrill me. And therefore when I switched on the radio, there I could hear myself dripping with irony to optically endorse...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of irony.

NP: No she hadn't used the word irony before.

PM: Oh didn't you?

NP: No.

PM: Okay sorry.

NP: No.

SP: Don't look to me Nicholas.

NP: No I'm right. So benefit of the doubt Sue, four seconds starting now.

SP: And indeed I was shocked, it was a beautiful advertisement that I have repeated now, God damn!

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Sue Perkins kept going then...

SP: Just.

NP: Speaking once, again when the whistle went, so she's now actually equal with Gyles in the lead and they're about four points ahead...

SP: I've never been in the lead never before Nicholas.

NP: You have! You have definitely!

SP: No I haven't.

NP: You won one once once.

SP: No I didn't! Oh 1967? Yeah! Right. Elthacomb Pavilion, lovely!

NP: Sue we're back with you to begin and the subject is now a nice topical London one, Cleopatra's needle. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

SP: Cleopatra's needle is 120 metres high. Unfortunately we don't have her pinking shears which were a good 300 in height. It stands at the Embankment and overlooks the Thames which reminds us she was a cracking seamstress. Not only known for hanging round with Mark Anthony and Caesar, she could...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: I've been brooding about this and the deviation is that I think it couldn't possibly be 121 metres high. Think of a 100 metre race, how long it is. I think it's more likely to be 20 metres high or around 60 feet. I don't think it could be...

LT: I say we go there now!

GB: ... 120 metres.

NP: Gyles you are right because she, she doesn't actually have a needle. It's just, it's a phrase they use about that particular piece of statuary on the Embankment.

SP: It's an obelisk!

PM: Now come on! We've all had a drink! We've all had a drink! Let's not turn nasty!

NP: No no, anyway it is not 200 metres.

SP: A hundred and 20.

NP: It's not even 120.

SP: Five!

NP: I don't know how many...

PM: Is that your final offer?

SP: Ten!

NP: Gyles you are right, she was exaggerating, or deviating as we say in this show, 44 seconds, Cleopatra's needle starting now.

GB: Cleopatra's needle, we didn't even know she is a junkie. But there is indeed an obelisk on the Thames Embankment that is actually 68 feet high or 21 metres. It is made of red granite and celebrates Cleopatra the Seventh. It was given to this country in 1832 as chance would have it, as a commemoration of Battle of the Nelson Nile. Well actually...

BUZZ

NP: Sue.

GB: I was just getting a bit carried away!

SP: Battle of the Nelson Nile?

GB: I know, I got about overexcited.

SP: If you keep bandying facts at me, I'd tell you what...

PM: I don't think this is fair, because Gyles during the week does work as a tourist guide! He's on one of the open top buses!

NP: Is that what it is?

GB: Yes I got it all wrong, I got it all wrong.

NP: No you if had just said Nelson's Battle of the Nile...

GB: Yeah I got it all wrong.

NP: Anyway it wasn't correct, it was deviation wasn't it from Nelson's Battle of the Nile. So Sue you're in again with 23 seconds on Cleopatra's Needle starting now.

SP: Her other needle sits in Central Park in New York. I don't know why, there is no correlation between the two geographical locations. But nonetheless they span the large ocean between them. She must have dropped one mid-sew and then trundled over here with the rest of her Roman gang in order to enjoy the clement weather we are experiencing and always have done throughout the mists of times. Other things she left knocking about...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh right! So Sue Perkins with great erudition kept going until the whistle went, gained that extra point and we're actually moving into the final round. Oh yes there we are! Some of you are still awake! So let me give you the situation as we go into the final round. Sue Perkins is one ahead of Gyles Brandreth. And then...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think you can keep your applause to the final end because I mean...

SP: I will blow it! I've said that to Gyles before!

LT: Same!

GB: We were getting to that at the end of the tomboy sequence!

NP: And a few points behind them is Paul Merton and then Liza Tarbuck bringing up the rear. And whose turn is it? Gyles it's your turn to begin, global warming. Good subject, talk on it please in this game starting now.

GB: Global warming, all I can say is bring it on. I know it means that we will lose East Anglia but you can't have everything in this life. I have already been to Bungay and the coast around there which apparently will be eroded when global warming really comes to be. The question of course is is it a reality? Or is it in fact just a fantasy thought up by curious scientists to make us feel worried? The history of the world is making people anxious about things that don't truly materialise...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of making.

NP: Yes.

PM: Make us feel worried.

NP: Making worried, making things happen.

GB: It was a sort of good little bit of Thought For The Day.

PM: It was, yes. I mean they'll use that on Pick Of The Week, they definitely will.

NP: Definitely yes. I don't know which Pick Of The Week. Probably in Azerbaijan or somewhere.

GB: No you're right, they care about global warming there.

SP: You say that but they've had some cracking radio this week!

NP: Anyway Paul...

SP: Goat FM is massive!

LT: Ba-a-a-a-a-dd!

PM: Goat FM?

NP: Yeah, Goat FM, right. Global warming is with you Paul now and there are 36 seconds starting now.

PM: (posh voice) There is some debate in the scientific community as to whether global warming exists or not. If you look at the ice shelf in Greenland it appears to be coming off, bit by chunk. And yet people will say global warming has been created by fantastic scientists who want to justify the huge amount of money they get from the various governments around the world in order to... (normal voice) Why am I talking like this?

BUZZ

NP: I don't know why you interrupted yourself. Anyway Sue pressed her buzzer in that interruption. And so she's got in with 10 seconds on global warming starting now.

SP: Of course it's happening. Look at the polar bear, a shadow of its former self wandering around the decimated ice caps looking for fish, as we all do on a bank holiday.

WHISTLE

NP: So let me give you the final score. Liza Tarbuck...

LT: Yes.

NP: ... who has always charmed us whenever she has appeared on the show did exactly the same again but didn't get an awful lot of points. Now Paul Merton who often is out there in the lead finished up in third place. Gyles who always gives great value finished in second place. But out in the lead, three ahead of Gyles Brandreth, Sue Perkins, this week you are our winner. It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Sue Perkins, Liza Tarbuck and Gyles Brandreth. I also thank Sarah Sharpe, who has kept the score for me so carefully, and blown her whistle very delicately. We thank Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. We are indebted to our producer Claire Jones. And of course we are very grateful to this lovely audience here in the Radio Theatre. So from the audience, from me, Nicholas Parsons, and our panel, good-bye, thank you for listening. Tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC