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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and DENISE COFFEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 February 1982)
NOTE: Denise Coffey's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Denise Coffey in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we have three of our regular players of the game, and we welcome as our guest this week Denise Coffey. Denise has played the game before, but it's not easy when you come in against these three sharp, bright, brittle exponents of Just A Minute. DENISE COFFEY: Oh can I go home now? NP: Oh she's crying already! Once again I'm going to ask them to try and speak if they can on the subject I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we'll begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter the subject is evasiveness. Will you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now. PETER JONES: Well evasiveness is probably best demonstrated by devious and various politicians, particularly on television. If you notice when they are asked a question, they usually reply with the answer to some previous query that they had had in mind. Not the one to which the announcer or interviewer is giving his attention. Very often they blame the previous government on the ills of the country at the moment. And they don't really tackle the problems that are in front of them, because it is their policy to try to sell something else. They go to the studio with the idea of trying to influence the audience about um... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought it was a hesitation there. PJ: Yes. NP: It definitely was. PJ: Yeah it was. NP: He had said it all really! And then he had to keep going on the subject. So Kenneth you have a correct challenge which means you have a point for that and you take over the subject of evasiveness and there are 13 seconds left starting now. KW: I was an expert at this in the Army, and I frequently evaded ever going to the rifle range where I was supposed to be practising the game of the actual bullet on the target. Well now they said to me, "you're evading the issue and..." WHISTLE NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up. Whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point and of course it was Kenneth Williams who got the only other point in this round. So at the end of the first round he's not only in a commanding lead, he's the only one who has got any points at all. And Kenneth will you take the next round, because it's been specially thought of for you. And it is coming here all the way from Great Portland Street. Something you�ve said frequently throughout the series and you have 60 seconds to talk on the subject starting now. KW: I set out with a light heart and a very springy sort of gait as I make my way down Great Portland Street, a noble thoroughfare in my mind. I've seen some delightful buildings and extremely interesting people who stand in doorways and often say "hello Kenny, how's it going?" Well I reply "what is supposed to be progressing in what direction?" That... BUZZ NP: Denise Coffey has challenged. DC: Um I'm terribly sorry but there were two whats in a ... NP: There were two whats, yes. DC: I do beg your pardon, Mister Williams. NP: Don't apologise Denise, it's nice to hear from you. So Denise, you have the subject of coming here all the way from Great Portland Street and there are 30 seconds left starting now. DC: As a great admirer of Kenneth Williams, I find the subject of coming all the way here from Great Portland Street becomes a kind of legendary journey like going to the Golden Gate of Samma Khan. It's, it's a sort of, ahhhhhhhh... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation. NP: No she didn't hesitate, she repeated... KW: No! She's doing very well! I thought she was speaking marvellously! NP: Yes I'm impressed with her. It was an incorrect challenge, she did repeat... KW: Yes! Quite right! Very good chairman, isn't he! DC: Yes I think so! Quite right! A treat! NP: So he gave you the wrong challenge Denise, so you keep the subject and a point for a wrong challenge and there are 17 seconds left, coming here all the way from Great Portland Street starting now. DC: Coming here all the way from Great Portland Street involves crossing some thoroughfares which are one-way systems. Now I want to warn you, if you are going to do that you have to take great attention because you will find yourself in a nasty tangle, going round, mah, ah... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree with a hesitation then. DC: Got me that time! NP: So three and a half seconds Derek, on the subject starting now. DN: I don't know why we have to listen to Kenneth Williams talking year after year about... WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round Derek Nimmo got the point for speaking as the whistle went and Derek, we'd like you to start the next round. The subject, wizards. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now. DN: I suppose Merlin must be the most famous of all English wizards, partly the Arthurian romance. And I have always liked to think of him when he was first born, the daughter, no, the son come to think of it... BUZZ NP: Denise Coffey challenged. DC: I must challenge you on deviation of the most extraordinary kind. NP: Yes. DC: I mean, mix up a daughter with a son. It's a... DN: Well he was a wizard! DC: Nevertheless! NP: I think that was a wizard challenge Denise, so you have the subject and there are 47 seconds left for wizards starting now. DC: Did you know, ladies and gentlemen, that Matthew Hopkins who was known as the witch-finder-general and went round the country in the 17th century testing for witches was ironically killed by his own test which was that if you were a wizard and you were flung into a river and you floated, you were guilty of the crime of necromancy and were therefore killed immediately by being burnt at the stake. That happened to him and being er seized by... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Deviation, I'm afraid the lady is talking about witches, she is not talking about wizards at all. NP: I think that is correct, yes, I think that was a good challenge Kenneth. KW: Thank you very much. Very good chairman! Marvellous! DC: I'm going off him a bit, I think. NP: And you have 24, 25 seconds on wizards starting now. KW: Wizard was a term that was very favourable to the RAF. They used to use it about people who pulled off incredible feats . They'd say "wizard prang" and it became very popular. And many people adopted this sort of jargon. Of course, the other kind, the ones that could actually perform or so they said... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth kept going on the subject of wizards till the whistle went. And Denise Coffey your turn to begin. The subject, oh yes this is a nice one. My ticklish bits. Will you tell us something about my ticklish bits in the game starting now. DC: Well I'm very astounded by this subject. I don't know what sort of research you do on this programme to find out exactly what to ask people to discuss. Because when I was a child, I used to refer to my ticklish bits nearly every day. I will explain why. I was unable to say the word liquorice as in the sweetmeats that are allsorts. And I don�t know if you've noticed, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know about your ticklish bits but ah, my ticklish bits are on all the hinged parts of my body. For example, the elbow... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Quite a lot of ers, don�t you think. NP: Yes I think she erred a bit too much then. DC: Yes, to err is human, to forgive divine, and that's what I think. NP: Yes and so you have 27 seconds now for my ticklish bits Derek starting now. DN: I employ a beautiful Nubian lady who comes to my house every Thursday afternoon with a long feather to tickle my ticklish bits. I lie on my bed with a fur rug, wearing only my underpants. And this beautiful creature, let into the room by my wife, comes towards me with this piece of ostrich and in the most... BUZZ NP: Denise Coffey challenged. DC: Apart from the suspense, I think that was a hesitation. NP: I don't think so, no, no. So Derek you keep going with five seconds to go on my ticklish bits starting now. DN: When I was a little boy, my nanny used to come in and tickle me underneath my arm. And I used to go ha hee ho and think it was tremendously funny... WHISTLE NP: You can see how the regulars have even managed to not get tripped up on things like haha. Ha hee ho, well done Derek, you've took the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And you're now in the lead, one ahead of Kenneth and Denise and Peter Jones, trailing a little. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, flight. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. KW: Well I know there are two men who are famous for having done this extraordinary thing for the first time. It was Wright and somebody else, the name escapes me at the moment. But they were... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Icarus! PJ: Icarus and Orville Wright! NP: He was going back a bit and Peter Jones brought him further up to date and we're all completely mystified. But all right, don't charge any points on that, we loved hearing about it. But Kenneth you were interrupted so you get a point for that and there are 47 seconds on flight starting now. KW: Of course some of the aviators simply disappeared without trace. And in fact an American lady said her telephone rang at seven o'clock and a voice said "this is Amelia Earheart here, where is everybody?" Because she apparently just vanished without trace completely... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition. NP: Yes, of trace. And there are 35 seconds for Peter to take over the subject of flight starting now. PJ: Well flight has only been possible for man in the last 100 years. I'm speaking of course... BUZZ NP: Denise Coffey challenged. DC: Oh um I challenged you abruptly there because I think Leonardo Da Vinci actually did in fact invent a helicopter a few centuries ago. NP: Yes but it wasn't possible to fly it. DC: We've no evidence for that. PJ: He never marketed it successfully! NP: I think that I give benefit of the doubt to Peter who gets a point for that and there are 30 seconds left Peter on flight starting now. PJ: Certainly balloons were used for some considerable time before that. But it is the metal and wooden structures that we are familiar with now that have made it possible for people to fly as far as round the world without stopping. I remember going up in an Afro-ansen in 1929. What an exciting trip it was. It cost five shillings... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones got a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. And he's moved into second place alongside Derek Nimmo, just ahead of Denise Coffey. And they're both, they're all trailing Kenneth who is still in the lead. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject is video games. Very popular today, can you talk about them in Just A Minute starting now. DN: Happily the popularity of video games seems to be in the decline. I do think it seems to me the most enormous waste of time to stand in front of a space invaders machine, pressing buttons, trying to stop these little things hitting the bottom line. In fact I'd rather talk to Kenneth Williams than play video games and that's saying quite a great deal. On the way down here from Great Portland Street you could find lots of video games in shop doorways, always enticing the aforementioned member of this panel in, to put his little penn'orth in the slot which he is very prone to do given half a chance. And I do think that it's dreadful that children brought up at schools today have nothing better to do than to play these video games. And as I mentioned at the beginning, I think it is of great excitement that this craze is beginning to fall away and people will start reading books again... BUZZ DN: ... and writing poetry! NP: Peter Jones challenged you before you actually reached the climax. What was it Peter? PJ: He talked about people before, you see, he mentioned people. NP: Yes he did. PJ: Repetition. NP: Yes there are seven seconds left for the video games with you Peter Jones starting now. PJ: Looking at the screen while other people are playing video games really is very similar to having migraine in a mild way... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones got the points in that round and he is now in the lead alongside Kenneth Williams. And Denise Coffey begins the next round. The subject, Denise, that Ian Messiter has thought of for you is the greatest influence of my life. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now. DC: The greatest influence of my life, let me think now, I think it must... oh! BUZZ NP: Oh Denise Coffey, you've challenged yourself! DC: I certainly did! That was repetition. I am ashamed of myself. NP: Well.. DC: Disgraceful! NP: It was a correct, It was a correct challenge so presumably you get a point for it! And you keep the subject of course. Mind you if you keep this up indefinitely, it could, it could be very difficult. DC: Mmmm! NP: You could just play Just A MInute all by yourself! There are 55 seconds left for the great influence in my life starting now. DC: The greatest influence of my life, I think, has been the playwright, Mr William Shakespeare. Not only was his work the first that I ever read on my own as a child... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: She must have read something before Shakespeare. Deviation. DC: I didn't. DN: Didn't you read about Nanny Goat Gruff? DC: No! Sorry! NP: Not anything? DC: No, that is, that is the truth. DN: Well how did you learn to read, going through Hamlet? NP: Is that why you speak such a... DC: Well it starts very simply. Who's there is the first word of Hamlet. That's as easy as John and Jane went to the shop, I think. DN: How do you know about John and Jane going to the shop then? Out of the mouth... DC: Later! DN: ... of sucklings! NP: I think I'm going to put this challenge... DC: When I went to university... NP: ... to the superior judgement of our very distinguished and very attractive looking audience here in the studio of the Paris Studio in London. And Denise Coffey's... Denise Coffey's already working on them. She's stepped forward into the footlights and she�s got her case out ready to leave if they don't cheer for her. DC: I rest my handbag, m'Lud! NP: But anyway if you agree with Derek's challenge then you all boo for Derek. And if you disagree then you all cheer for Denise Coffey and you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I thought it was 50-50 so I'll tell you what we'll do. We won't charge any points and leave the subject with Denise Coffey and there are 44 seconds left, the greatest influence in my life starting now. DC: The greatest influence of my life has been listening to the radio or the wireless as I first knew it as a child. In those days the radio set used to... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of radio. But I thought it was also reading Shakespeare. You can only have one greatest influence of your life so deviation and repetition. NP: Well I think the repetition of radio is correct so 36 seconds for you Derek on the greatest influence in my life starting now. DN: The greatest influence of my life has been alcohol. Every morning when I get up I have a small glass of whisky, preferably malt. That starts me off frightfully well, gives me time I suppose to get hold of my feathers and proceed on, via a... bottle of guinness... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: There are 19 seconds for you Kenneth on the greatest influence of my life starting now. KW: The greatest influence of my life undoubtedly was the English master at my first school, when he taught me to say "play with your fancies, and in them behold, upon the hempen tackle, ship-boys climbing, hear the shrill whistle, which doth order give to sounds confused". Immediately I responded so wholeheartedly... WHISTLE NP: Amazing how he responded to a man with such shocking diction! KW: Appalling isn't it! It's as good as yours when your teeth are in! NP: I suppose that's what Just A MInute's all about! Kenneth, with my teeth in, I can tell you that you have increased your lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones, would you take the next round, the subject is my natural habitat. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now. PJ: Well, much as I love my home, I think probably the dressing room at the theatre is my natural habitat. Because it is so conveniently placed for the drama that is near... at hand on the stage... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: There was a sort of, sort of jolly hesitation. NP: Oh definitely hesitation. PJ: Yes. NP: Completely confused. There... PJ: Well I don't mind losing a point but you don't have to insult me as well! Completely confused? NP: I'm sorry Peter. So Derek Nimmo has the correct challenge and the subject is my natural habitat, there are 45 seconds left starting now. DN: My natural habitat is the muddy lanes of Northamptonshire which I trample on day and night over many years indeed to this present day. I find it so... BUZZ NP: Ah Peter Jones? PJ: Repetition of day. NP: Yes, day and night and um, to this day. DN: Oh, so true! NP: Yes. DN: So true. NP: Peter you have the subject back, 34 seconds, my natural habitat starting now. PJ: Well my natural habitat doesn't... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of well, he always starts with well. PJ: Really! NP: Well I'm not going to allow it on this occasion. DN: Oh why? NP: Peter to keep going with the subject he started with, with 32 seconds left, my natural habitat starting now. PJ: It's nice to have one�s friends dropping in, and fellow actors are at hand nearby... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams? KW: Deviation, we are talking about friends dropping in, we are not talking about natural habitat. NP: Ah but he did establish before his natural habitat was the dressing room of the theatre. And if he repeated that, he would be repeating in the game. So I got it, quite clearly, I think the audience got it too. And I'm sure all our listeners got it. PJ: They'd have to be pretty thick if they didn't! NP: It's almost Being Rude To Kenneth Williams Week, isn't it! He can take it! So there are 26 seconds for you to continue Peter, on my natural habitat starting now. PJ: I would, I must admit, like the address of Derek's Nubian slave who comes round in the afternoons... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: We've gone right away. The subject is habitat, not Derek Nimmo's lady with a feather! NP: But he wants him, he wants, Peter wants her to come round to the dressing room. DN: Well I'm not going to give him the address so he can just... NP: There are 19 seconds for you Peter on my natural habitat starting now. PJ: And then when it comes to eight o'clock and I'm able to open the door and stride out into the corridor of my natural habitat and walk for... BUZZ NP: Ah Denise Coffey challenged. DC: I'm sorry, if I was listening correctly, you strode out of your natural habitat. NP: That's right and Denise, you have a correct challenge and 11 seconds on my natural habitat starting now. DC: My natural habitat is a boat. I am never happier and I feel more at home in a... vessel... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes. DC: Oh that old er again. NP: Yes, five seconds for Derek on my natural habitat starting now. DN: Covered in straw, I walshed across the meadows playing... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: He whats across the meadows? NP: I don't know, I didn't hear either. DN: Well if you don't know, you can't challenge, can you! PJ: Deviation. NP: From what? PJ: Well, into incoherence. NP: Well... PJ: I mean, you can't just say bla bla bla and get away with it. DN: Kenneth did. PJ: He always does! He's a kind of exception. NP: So there are two seconds for you on my natural habitat, Peter starting now. PJ: It's not in Northampton, I'll tell you that! WHISTLE NP: Oh Derek... and so Peter Jones got a large number of points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went and he's now gone into a strong lead, just, well not just, but four points ahead of Kenneth Williams and then Derek Nimmo and Denise Coffey in that order. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, getting to grips. Would you tell us something about that in the game starting now. KW: Well the best way is to get your feet with a good box of that resin stuff, first of all, and then your gloves on, put your talcum powder on first, now that's very very good, you know... BUZZ NP: Denise Coffey challenged. DC: Very very good, I... KW: Oh petty thing, but if you want it. DC: Yes. KW: If you want it, you can have it. NP: So Denise has got in with a correct challenge and there are 46 seconds for you Denise on getting to grips starting now. DC: Get to grips, ladies and gentlemen with each other. I urge you to turn to the person on your right, affix your right foot to the... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two rights. NP: Two rights. DC: Yes, too right! DN: Two will make a wrong! DC: Yes. NP: There are 37 seconds for you Derek on getting to grips starting now. DN: One really has to get to grips with the problems of life. And I've found it extraordinarily helpful to know Kenneth Williams in this respect. Because often as I've wandered with him, along Great Portland Street, and he has explained to me and indeed demonstrated the power of thought. Because however evasive I might be, I do find that listening to that supreme intellect does enable one to get to grip with things. Problems that might seem insuperable become almost minor when confronted with that great intelligence. It has been my privilege... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of great. NP: Yes, you can't say anything else when you talk about Kenneth Williams! PJ: He said great every time, yes. NP: It was a correct challenge... DN: Actually I've found that it's a very good way to stop Kenneth challenging if you talk about him! It immediately, immediately reduces the odds of a challenge from three to one, to two to one. If you talk about his golden locks, he won't speak for the rest of the evening! NP: Anyway Peter got in with a correct challenge and there are two seconds left Peter on getting to grips starting now. PJ: I got to grips with Peter Ustinov in a wrestling match on... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones cleverly got in just before the whistle and kept going for two seconds and has increased his lead at the end of the round. And Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject, hippodromes. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. DN: I suppose immediately one thinks about them in the theatrical sense. But of course the London Hippodrome was a particularly nice setting, absolutely ruined by that awful nasty Talk Of The Town. And I do think the quicker they shred it all, and pull all that junk out and restore it to the great palace that it was before, the sooner the better. Of course... BUZZ NP: Denise Coffey. DC: Did I hear two sooners. NP: Mmmm, the sooner they do that, yes, the sooner the better. Yes... PJ: Wonderful to have a kind of photographic memory like that, isn't it. NP: Denise you've got in with a correct challenge, there are 45 seconds on hippodromes starting now. DC: As I understand it, the hippodrome originally was a place where horses used to perform in a Roman arena, possibly Greek... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: They didn't perform, they raced. NP: Well racing is performing, I would have thought, in a different way. You�re putting up a performance in a race. DN: Oh I see. NP: Do athletes not perform? DN: Well I have never thought when I have seen you attempt to perform that you were racing! NP: But on the other hand, I would describe that about you when I have seen you. So I think, it's, it's not a reasonable challenge. DN: Oh well I shall remember that next time I go to the Derby! NP: There are 39 seconds for you on hippodromes Denise starting now. DC: Derek Nimmo is absolutely correct in saying that the horses of course performed, they raced as well. What they used to do is in the beginning of the afternoon because all the events were held early in the day so that the sunlight could be there for natural illumination. They would run into the arena with four riders on the back of each animal. They'd be standing, ah, two men would... BUZZ DC: Argh! NP: Peter Jones has challenged. DC: Tsk tsk. PJ: Hesitation. NP: It was a hesitation. DC: Yes. NP: And she was er confirming what I said, that they did perform. So there are 15 seconds for you Peter on hippodromes starting now. PJ: Perhaps my favourite hippodrome was the hippodrome at Wolverhampton which has long since been discarded and knocked down. But there one could for the price of about two and sixpence see some of the great variety stars... WHISTLE NP: Well Peter Jones, finishing on that sad note, got an extra point, increased his lead and also has brought the show to a close because we have no more time. So to give you the final score, a very interesting one this week actually. We have Derek Nimmo, Kenneth Williams and our guest Denise Coffey all equal in second place on nine points. And out in the lead, exactly twice as many points, is Peter Jones, our winner this week! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here, good-bye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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