JAM:PMerton,CFreud,LTarbuck,JDee
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, LIZA TARBUCK and JACK DEE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 March 2008)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show four intelligent, articulate, clever, amusing individuals who are going to show off their verbal dexterity, their ingenuity with words and language as they try and speak on a subject I will give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And they are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And seated on my left, Liza Tarbuck and Jack Dee. Would you please welcome all four of them! Thank you! Beside me sits Trudi Stevens, who will help me with the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Greenwich Theatre, in that lovely area of south-east London, which is called Greenwich. And thatís why itís called the Greenwich Theatre. And we have a lovely Greenwich type audience in the audience here who have come from far and wide to cheer us on our way. So we begin the show, letís begin with Jack Dee. Heís only played it once before. Jack, oh a good subject, a topical subject, the 2012 Olympics, will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

JACK DEE: The 2012 Olympics are of course a huge excitement. One of the things I think they have missed out from the plans, is to involve a village idiot for the Olympics. I think that every Olympiad should have an Olympics village idiot.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two village idiots.

JD: Yeah.

NP: Two village idiots.

JD: I got carried away with the idea, Iím sorry.

NP: Maybe two would be more fun than just one, I donít know. Clement you get a point for a correct challenge, we give Jack Dee a point because we love his contribution there, which is a bonus point for him. Clement you have the subject, the 2012 Olympics, 46 seconds available starting now.

CF: The very good news I have for the people of Greenwich is the 2012 Olympics have been given to London. And as soon as I heard that we had the 2012 Olympics, I went into training. It is no, it was...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Ah slight hesitation.

CF: Yeah.

NP: There was a hesitation, yes he made his point about his training, they all looked at him and um, no no it was a great joke and he deserved his response.

CF: I was going to say the over 80s pole vault.

NP: Iíll join you Clement.

CF: Good.

NP: But Paul you had a correct challenge, so you get a point for that and you have 28 seconds Paul, the 2012 Olympics starting now.

PM: London bid against all other major cities in the world. Not all of them because some of them...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of all.

NP: Yes, all of the, yes yes. So Clement you got in with a correct challenge again and you have 18 seconds to take over the 2012 Olympics starting now.

CF: I think to have Brighton, Hove and Wintlesea as places where people are going to pull weights, um...

BUZZ

CF: Iím not sure where this is getting me.

NP: Jackís challenged.

JD: There was hesitation.

NP: It was hesitation Jack yes and youíve got in with 10 seconds available, tell us something about the 2012 Olympics starting now.

JD: If this was not on the radio, youíd be able to see that I am of course in peak physical condition. And I intend to stay that way for the next four years or so so that I can take part in the Olympiad which I am so...

WHISTLE

JD: I got away with the sos.

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Jack Dee, he is now equal in the lead with Clement Freud, then Paul Merton and Liza Tarbuck. And Liza weíd like you to begin the next round, the subject is the perfect Sunday afternoon. Just have a little thought about it, then talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.

LIZA TARBUCK: Letís suppose Iíve had quite a late brunch of perhaps thickly chopped mushrooms in a pan with some goatís butter and half a tin of cherry tomatoes on top, lightly fried, just to evaporate and make it a bit thicker, on rye, because that is my favourite preferred at the moment. And 15 pots of tea with the cryptic crosswords from the Observer and the Times, Iím already blissed off my chonk. And anything you bring into me I can only say to you will just bring my day better, brighter...

BUZZ

NP: Jack has challenged you.

JD: I would prefer we keep street parlance out of this, wouldnít we?

LT: Yes, blissed off my chonk...

JD: Blissed?

LT: I have no idea what...

NP: So you are challenging for what?

JD: Deviation from good English.

LT: No!

NP: No, I think everybody in the audience understood what she meant by it.

LT: Thank you.

NP: Itís a lovely phrase, Iím going to try and remember that. What was it you said?

LT: I said blissed off my chonk. Have I ever said it before? No.

NP: How many, how many people in the audience have ever been pissed off their chonk?

JD: No no...

NP: No, blissed off their chonk.

LT: Not on a Sunday morning.

NP: Thatís a, well, some Sunday mornings itís quite nice...

LT: Well yeah, to be fair...

PM: I donít know if Lizaís idyllic Sunday morning was drinking heavily on her own!

LT: That would make me quite lonely, wouldnít it.

NP: Yes but anyway it was an incorrect challenge so...

LT: Drinking heavily! At 11 oíclock!

NP: Yeah, 30 seconds are still available Liza, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.

LT: With a little liaison avec my ginger friend who happens to be Welsh Wilf, a dog...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: It got a bit garbled in there, was it sort of...

NP: Terribly garbled, I donít know. Her ginger friend? There was something about a dog.

LT: The front row understood.

PM: I didnít understand it.

LT: With a little yewl, because basically he whines, because he needs to go for a walk.

NP: Iíll tell you what Liza, we didnít understand it but, but you didnít hesitate, deviate or repeat anything...

LT: Five points will buy my silence.

NP: No, so we give you...

PM: Why didnít you say this years ago?

NP: We give you the benefit of the date Liza, keep the subject...

LT: Oh God!

NP: ... 24 seconds, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.

LT: Opening the bottle of wine about ha;f past 11, making sure...

BUZZ

NP: Jack challenged.

JD: Excuse me, this is deviation, youíre talking about the perfect Sunday afternoon, half past 11 is in the morning.

NP: Well listened.

PM: Isnít that preparation for the afternoon?

LT: Thank you Mister Merton.

PM: Starting drinking at half past 11.

NP: Not, not in Just A Minute.

PM: Oh really?

NP: The subject is the perfect Sunday afternoon, she had gone to 11-30 in the morning. So Jack...

JD: Because otherwise we could be talking about Saturday afternoon which leads into Sunday morning, which leads into Sunday afternoon, do you see what I mean?

PM: Yeah.

JD: Yeah.

LT: Yes.

JD: So I think best to nip it in the bud.

NP: And you have 21 seconds to carry on, take over the subject, Jack the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.

JD: When I think of my perfect Sunday afternoon, I always... imagine...

BUZZ

NP: Liza you challenged.

LT: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

LT: I thought Iíd just nip it in the bud!

JD: Shame, shame itís got so personal really, isnít it.

LT: Yeah.

NP: So Liza youíve got the subject back again, youíve got 17 seconds, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.

LT: Having drawn a beautifully temped bath...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is it me? Am I going deaf?

LT: No.

PM: I lost the sense of that.

NP: It wasnít, it wasnít quite English, a beautiful temped bath?

PM: Yeah. Deviation from English.

LT: I wanted to say temperature.

PM: Ah.

LT: And I ended, I tried to say temperate.

PM: Yeah.

NP: And you did, but I think that was a sort of deviation from English as we understand it.

LT: I donít doubt that, Paul youíre right.

NP: Paul you have a correct challenge, 14 seconds, a perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.

PM: Thereís nothing I like better on a Sunday afternoon than getting pissed off my chonk! I go down the pub, knock it back like thereís no tomorrow! I have no idea how much Iíve consumed, alcohol-wise, but I know by the end of the evening if I canít remember my name...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged, you challenged?

CF: Repetition of know.

NP: Know?

PM: A bit harsh.

NP: It was a bit harsh. Because we enjoyed it, you were going magnificently. But Clementís got in with three seconds to go on the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.

CF: My perfect Sunday afternoon would be in 2012...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Do you know what? I just did that then to try and get in with half a second.

NP: So youíve no challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

LT: Iím just a little bit, you know...

NP: Yeah.

LT: ... hot!

NP: Darling you won lots of points in that round and ah...

JD: Itís just a game right.

NP: Youíre doing very well. And Clement Iíve got to be fair, it was an incorrect challenge...

LT: Quite right.

NP: So you get another point, half a second to go, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.

WHISTLE

LT: I was right, he was still hesitating.

NP: The person who should have been speaking when the whistle went, um, was Clement Freud so he got that extra point on that occasion and heís now out in the lead, heís two ahead of Jack Dee, and then one behind is Liza Tarbuck and Paul Merton. thatís the situation. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject, no, somethingís happened? Oh the watch has gone funny. Is your watch working now? I must explain to our listeners because the audience is intrigued. Trudi never speaks, she just mimes everything. Sheís not actually deaf and dumb and...

JD: Can I just say Nicholas, I think Trudiís doing a really good job. And if this ends up at a Tribunal, I want no part of it.

NP: Trudi also has a sense of humour and she knows itís all done for fun. Because that is what we do, the whole thing for fun.

JD: You never can tell these days! Youíll laugh away and next thing you know youíve got a court order slapped on you!

NP: She smiles a lot but never speaks. Right um, itís some menís dream, isnít it! I wasnít suggesting for a moment that it was my dream! I said it is some, some chauvinist type peopleís dream. Iím not a chauvinist. No Iíve embraced the opposite sex as many times as I possibly can. And good luck to them, theyíre taking over the world unfortunately. There we are, there we are.

LT: It was going so well!

NP: Now Iím afraid we ineffectual men have to admit that they are the stronger sex. They, they really do dominate but they do very well. Iím digging a hole for myself, arenít i! Right...

PM: I think youíve just hit the Bakerloo Line, havenít you?

NP: Oh forgive me! Clement itís your turn to begin so now can you talk about behind the times, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: When The Times decreased its volume, or rather the pages became smaller than they were, it was very difficult to be behind the Times, and not miss an awful lot of what was...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged?

PM: Well there was a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, Paul you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, 49 seconds, behind the times starting now.

PM: Just A Minute is 40 years old this year and if you listen to the very early recordings, you can hear Clement and Kenneth and Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo and of course Nicholas indulge in this magnificent game. And in fact it hasnít dated whatsoever. I was listening...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Absolutely right!

NP: Heís picking bonus points up all the time, isnít he. But Paul you were interrupted, you get a point for that, you keep the subject, behind the times, 35 seconds starting now.

PM: Itís fascinating to listen to it, and it is incredibly extremely fantastic to think that this programme is still running after all this length of time. I...

BUZZ

NP: Jack challenged.

JD: There was a hesitation there with the words.

NP: No no he was keeping going...

JD: All this a length of time?

NP: Yes he was struggling a little but he didnít actually hesitate.

JD: Right well I wonít interrupt again then.

NP: You might have had him for deviation of language, a length of time. But it doesnít matter, no, Paul, an incorrect challenge, 25 seconds, behind the times starting now.

PM: The man behind The Times is literally Rupert Murdoch. The editor of that august newspaper must occasionally consult with the great newspaper baron because...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Newspaper, newspaper.

NP: Thatís right, newspaper, newspaper.

PM: Did I say newspaper newspaper?

LT: Yeah.

PM: That was a bit stupid of me. Was it as quick as that?

NP: You talked about the newspaper and then the newspaper baron.

PM: Oh did I?

NP: Yes you did, donít you listen to what you say?

PM: I donít listen to this, itís bad enough saying it! Itís everybody else I feel sorry for!

NP: Liza another point to you and 15 seconds on behind the times starting now.

LT: It could be said that my lovely dad, also known as the grey bear, is behind the times. When it was Christmas last, we all told him that the sofa was really rather uncomfortable and couldnít house all 12 of us, would he mind shelling out to get a better one with a new chair for himself...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Liza Tarbuck was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Sheís moved forward, sheís still equal in third place with Jack Dee, just behind Paul Merton and ahead of them is Clement Freud. And Paul itís your turn to begin, the subject is for what we are about to receive. That is the subject, talk on it if you can, starting now.

PM: For what we are about to receive, we must surely be grateful. Itís something like that, isnít it. Grace thatís said after a meal or before even, I suppose. Because youíre talking about what you are about to receive, rather than what has been received.

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Rather.

NP: Yes.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yes yes.

CF: Yeah.

PM: Thatís not like me.

NP: Clement, another challenge correct to you and 49 seconds available, for what we are about to receive starting now.

CF: Is what the manager tends to tell the receptionist, for what we are about to receive. For Godís sake, be careful and say we are fully booked. Thereís no more accommodation in this nice hostelry, to which they are trying to go. For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful is what you tend to get before a meal, irrespective of the quality of the food that follows.

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah there was, I donít know where he was going, I think.

CF: I stopped.

PM: He stopped, yeah.

CF: Yeah.

NP: Yeah he stopped yes.

CF: Is that a hesitation?

NP: If you stop, itís definitely...

CF: No I deliberately stopped.

PM: Itís probably only hesitation if he starts again.

CF: Quite right, yes. If I canít have a point, could I have the benefit of the doubt?

NP: No! Because thatís the only way we can interpret it, if someone comes to a halt, they have hesitated. So Paul, correct challenge, 22 seconds, for what we are about to receive starting now.

PM: If you play the noble game of cricket and you are a batsman, you can look down to the other wicket and think to yourself, the bowler is coming towards me now, he may be fast, slow, medium paced. But you have to say to yourself, for what I am about to receive, I must be truly grateful, because here is a chance to score a run. Perhaps a four, a boundary, six, any kind of number of runs could...

BUZZ

JD: Oh Iím sorry, run and runs. Sorry I got the runs there.

NP: You anticipated...

JD: I got it wrong, my apologies.

NP: You neednít apologise, it was nice hearing from you Jack.

JD: Oh right, good. Iíll do it more often then.

NP: But Iím afraid Paul got in with, youíve challenged him with half a second to go. So another half second Paul on for what we are about to receive starting now.

PM: Radiograms and high evolution...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís moving up on our leader Clement Freud, and Liza itís with you to begin. The subject now, regional accents. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

LT: To understand a regional accent the best thing to do is have a look at the geography of the area. For example if you were going into central England and therefore perhaps Birmingham, you might recognise that the area looks like...

BUZZ

LT: Area.

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Recognise.

NP: Recognise yes.

LT: Oh thank you very much.

NP: Thatís right.

LT: Better than area.

NP: Repetition yes, 49 seconds Clement, regional accents starting now.

CF: You will know that I am pretty good at regional accents. For instance my Cornish is better than Devon. Somerset and Wiltshire come next. I then do Sussex with extreme skill whereas...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Clement, would you mind treating us?

NP: Will you respond to the challenge?

CF: I was going to do Suffolk and Norfolk and Lincoln next.

NP: All right. So Paul you get a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption, Clementís going to keep the subject and respond to the challenge. And there are 34 seconds, regional accents starting now.

CF: My Derbyshire accent is probably the most notable, and that which people quite frequently request. I do, do my...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Clement will you do your Derbyshire accent? Itís the one you get all the requests for, isnít it! You swear youíre in Derbyshire when you hear it, you really do.

NP: Paul we enjoyed the interruption, another point to you, Clementís still got the subject, heís got 25 seconds on your Derbyshire accent starting now.

CF: We had in Suffolk a man called the singing postman who had the most wonderful regional accent. (in Suffolk accent) Have you got a light, boy?

BUZZ

NP: Oh!

PM: Iím sorry, I shouldnít have challenged then. It was repetition of accent.

NP: It was a repetition of accent.

PM: And we had, accents is on the card, but itís accent.

NP: He was saying accent in the singular then.

PM: Yeah.

NP: So Paul youíve at last got the subject and youíve got 18 seconds on regional accents starting now.

PM: Various cities throughout this country could be heard in the, in the... oh no!

BUZZ

NP: Jack.

PM: That was a really good bit as well!

JD: There was a, there was a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation.

JD: A hesitation in a sort of south London accent, I would say.

PM: I was about to give you a panoply.

NP: Fourteen seconds Jack, tell us something about regional accents starting now.

JD: Regional accents are something of a misnomer of course, because it isnít the area that has the accent, rather the people who live within it. I actually think regional accents are rather charming and I like to hear...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of rather.

NP: Yes yes.

JD: Well if we are going to split hairs.

NP: So youíve got in, another point Clement, two seconds on regional accents starting now.

CF: The regional accents in the north east of England...

WHISTLE

LT: I had so much to say!

NP: So Clement Freudís regional accents which he never demonstrated though he was challenged frequently to do so, kept him going and heís now increased his lead at the end of that round, ahead of Paul Merton in second place, Jack Dee and then Liza Tarbuck in that order. And the subject is, Jack weíd like you to begin this round, itís traffic jams.

JD: How long do I have? A Minute?

NP: You have a minute. You have 60 seconds. Iím fascinated Jack that you write down that youíve got a minute.

JD: No Iím not, Iím actually, I have written it down but what Iíve realised is that as, it doesnít change in the paper so it doesnít help. It doesnít work like a stopwatch.

PM: What I do is I write a second on every page and then flick through one at a time!

JD: Thanks, see, seasoned, thatís a nice tip, thanks, thanks for that Paul, that will help.

NP: Anyway Jack, itís traffic jams, tell us something about that in this game starting now.

JD: For my last birthday, I was delighted to be given a pot of... strawberry conserve...

BUZZ

NP: Liza you challenged.

LT: Hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation.

JD: Though it was quite interesting and if you had not interrupted, you would have found out a bit more about that.

LT: Oh stop it!

JD: But now youíll never know because Iím...

NP: Fifty-five seconds still available Liza, traffic jams starting now.

LT: Thereís nothing I like...

BUZZ

NP: Paul yes.

PM: Hesitation there.

NP: There was a...

PM: You could have made a ham sandwich...

LT: It was because he was talking! He was talking in my ear, putting me off!

NP: I know, he was putting you off.

LT: He was, yeah.

PM: Was he?

LT: Yeah.

NP: Yes I think.

LT: Really aggressively.

NP: So Paul, Iíll tell you what Iíll do, Iíll tell you what Iíll do. To be utterly fair Iíll give you a point because it was a correct challenge. But give Liza the benefit of the doubt because Jack was nobbling her.

LT: But itís okay.

PM: Itís funny how nerves take you.

NP: Professionally not physically. And, well it was physical, but not the other way.

LT: It was physical!

NP: Liza...

LT: My Lord?

NP: You have the benefit of the doubt and you have traffic jams still and there are 53 seconds starting now.

LT: Thereís absolutely nothing I like more...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: She didnít hesitate.

PM: Itís true, she didnít hesitate, she didnít.

LT: True.

PM: She didnít hesitate, she didnít.

NP: But itís not a correct challenge Clement.

LT: A lesser woman would crumble!

CF: How can that not be?

NP: But it was a clever one, so um give him a bonus point, he loves his bonus points. Liza you got a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 52 seconds, traffic jams starting now.

LT: Nothing, oh!

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: That was a sudden halt.

NP: That was. Definite hesitation and you have 50 seconds available still on traffic jams, Paul starting now.

PM: Traffic jams, what a wonderful subject that is. Weíve all been stuck in traffic jams at some time in our life or other. I was travelling here today from central London. Indeed I got caught in a traffic jam so there was nothing for it, I jumped into the river Thames, and swam the rest of the way. Iím dedicated to this show, who doesnít care, they canít stop me. I wasnít even booked tonight.

BUZZ

PM: Kit Hesketh-Harvey is in a cupboard back there, Iíve tied him up!

NP: Jack you challenged.

JD: Itís deviation really because if, if youíre in a traffic jam you should have taken a deviation from that point.

PM: Yes.

JD: But also you started talking about swimming...

PM: Yeah.

JD: And thatís not...

PM: To avoid the traffic jam.

JD: No! No no, you donít get off that lightly. Not in my book!

NP: All right, he was deviating, well done Jack, you have 34 seconds on traffic jams starting... Jack look if you keep flirting...

JD: Sir, Liza just put me off!

NP: I know! The two of you are having a little game together there.

PM: You should separate them! Separate them!

NP: Naughty boy! Right, you write the numbers first, donít you, 34 seconds, are you going to write it down?

JD: I will, yes, so I know. Right?

PM: Remember that number is subject to change!

JD: Cheers!

NP: And there are 34 seconds, traffic jams Jack, starting now.

JD: Going back to the aforementioned celebration when I was presented with...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: What does he mean by aforementioned?

NP: Well he mentioned his celebration once before.

JD: My birthday, yeah.

NP: His birthday yes.

CF: Repetition!

NP: But not, itís a repetitious thought but he wasnít repeating anything within this round of Just A Minute, Clement.

CF: Has he spoken in this round of Just A Minute?

NP: Yes! Yes he has.

JD: I started it. I started it Clement.

NP: Nurse, he is out of bed again!

LT: It was a long time ago!

NP: Jack youíve still got the subject, youíve got a point as well, 30 seconds, traffic jams start in bed.

JD: As I was saying, I was presented with a very nice jar of strawberry conserve and in it were little confectionary...

BUZZ

NP: Clement has challenged.

CF: Repetition of strawberries. He had just got to strawberries.

JD: I can see this story isnít going to get told, is it!

NP: So did you repeat strawberries?S

JD: Probably, yes!

NP: Right.

JD: Itís quite difficult not to!

NP: So 25 seconds available Clement, another point and the subject to you, traffic jams starting now.

CF: I was in Buckfastleigh not far from Totnes in Devon, and using my regional accent...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Oh no it was a bit, oh no, I thought it was a hesitation. There wasnít.

NP: No there wasnít a hesitation, no Paul, so Clement has another point and he has 20 seconds on traffic jams starting now.

CF: I had a Devonshire tea, and said (in bad Devon accent) ďthatís traffic jam!Ē And they said...

BUZZ

PM: My immediate thought was thatís east side of Chicago!

NP: So whatís your challenge within the rules of...

PM: Well I donít think thatís a Devonshire accent, is it?

NP: Well itís...

PM: (in bad Devon accent) Preee bah ooh! (normal voice) Do we get a lot of listeners in Devon? Iím sure we do.

NP: (in Devon accent) Well it was Clementís attempt to try and do a Devon accent but I donít think it quite came off somehow.

CF: What part of Welsh is that?

PM: yeah!

NP: Thatís very cruel Clement!

LT: And strangely accurate!

NP: Paul what was your challenge, within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: Oh well it wasnít a Devonshire accent.

NP: No it was deviation from a Devonshire accent.

PM: Yeah.

NP: So you have a point, you have 14 seconds, traffic jams starting now.

PM: I have traffic jam experience going throughout the country. You go to Liverpool, you think of various composers that might fit the Scouse accent. (Scouse accent) Mozart! (normal voice) Thatís a good example. If you go to Birmingham...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Um deviation.

NP: What?

PM: (Scouse accent) Mozart!

LT: Mozart!

PM: (Scouse accent) Mozart!

LT: Donít give me that, lad! But we, we got, um, we are suddenly on accents when in fact we were on traffic jams.

PM: Talking about the traffic jams in various places, various places, traffic jams.

LT: I donít, I donít understand, sir.

PM: Iím trying to do the stuff I would have done in regional accents.

LT: Yeah well just hang fire!

PM: (Birmingham accent) Birmingham, cossie, Korsakov. (normal voice) But the best one, the best one is Newcastle. (Newcastle accent) Schopenhauer.

NP: I donít know what to say here now because weíve only got five seconds to go and Paul keeps the subject, traffic jams, five seconds starting now.

PM: It was John Majorís great contribution to democracy to come up with a cone line. Do you remember that? You had to phone a particular number...

WHISTLE

NP: Right, so I said earlier that this would be the last round and Iím afraid it is. Jack Dee who has only played the game once before...

JD: I donít want your pity, I donít want your pity.

NP: No Iím going to compliment you, because you did marvellously.

JD: Thank you.

NP: I wonít mention you came in fourth place but you did fantastically. Liza Tarbuck who has played it a few times, contributed amazingly, she came in third place. Sheís a few points behind Clement Freud and Paul Merton who happen to be equal in the lead so thatís a very fair result, joint winners on this side! So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Jack Dee, Liza Tarbuck and Clement Freud. I thank Trudi Stevens, who has helped me with the score, blown her whistle with such aplomb. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. We are grateful to our producer Tilusha Ghelani. And we are also grateful to this lovely audience at the Greenwich Theatre here in Greenwich. So from them, and me Nicholas Parsons and the team, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Yes!

THEME MUSIC