NOTE: Phill Jupitus's first appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our millions of listeners around the world. But also to welcome to the programme this particular week four exciting and talented players of the game. And seated on my right, we welcome for the first time on the show, that talented comedian and presenter, Phill Jupitus. Beside him we have our veteran player of the game who has played it more times than he can possibly remember, that is Clement Freud. And seated on my left, we welcome back with great pleasure one of the real stars of television today who has made himself so engaging, the man I call the leprechaun of comedy, the one and only Graham Norton. And beside him a brilliant writer, raconteur, actor, everything, he�s done it all, and that is Gyles Brandreth. Will you please welcome all four of them! Thank you, beside me sits Trudi Stevens, who is going to help me with the score, and she blows the whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Courtyard Theatre, here in Stratford-on-Avon. And we have people from every quarter of the great county of Warwickshire who have come a long way to be entertained and they are dying for us to get started. So we begin with Graham Norton. Graham the subject...


NP: Oh so apt for the start because we're up in Stratford-on-Avon, the bard. Tell us something about the bard in this game starting now.

GN: Ah the bard, the bard. What a pleasure to speak of Shakespeare in this his home town. Originally he was known as the Barred One because he was a hopeless alcoholic and he was removed from most public houses in the town. Don't serve him, he turns nasty! And that's when he turned to the pen...


NP: Gyles challenged.

GYLES BRANDRETH: He turned nasty and then he turned to the pen.

NP: Yes he turned twice.

GN: No he turns nasty.

GB: No no!

NP: No no!

GN: Then he turned to the pen. Thank you.

NP: Graham I was listening, you can't wriggle out of it that way. No it was a repetition so Gyles you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course, and you take over the subject of the bard and there are 37 seconds available starting now.

GB: The Bard has indeed to be William Shakespeare, it can be no other. What self-respecting actor would want to belong to the Royal Bacon Company? He was indeed born not a stone's throw from here in Henley Street. Brought up well by two loving parents and then he married an older woman, who looked, I think, a little bit like Germaine Greer. But you can't win 'em all! And she was a little bit sour in appearance, but goose her and she livened up no end! As a result of this he had several children and moved to London quite quickly where he took up the theatre and began writing play after script. Oh yes he was a man who created Posie, more than that...


NP: So Gyles Brandreth was then speaking as the whistle went. And whoever does that of course gains an extra point. And at the end of that round Gyles is the only one who has got any points actually. And Gyles it's back with you to start, and you'll be surprised to hear that this subject is brevity is the soul of wit. So you can go on that for 60 seconds or less as time starts now.

GB: Brevity is the soul of wit is a line from Shakespeare's most famous play. I assayed the role on one occasion, but was so poor that the audience threw eggs at me. I went on as Hamlet and came off as Omelette. Calvin Coolidge, the American President, was known for his taciturnity. He had brevity as the soul of wit actually knitted on the sampler in his boudoir. A young lady sat next to him at dinner and said I have a bet that I can get more than three words out of you, he said "you lose!" Now I have to say that when speaking it is a good idea to be as concise as you can be. Don't say a slight inclination of the cranium is as adequate as a spasmodic movement of one optic to an equine quadruped utterly devoid of any visionary capacity when you could say if you believed that brevity is the soul of wit...


GB: ... that a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.

NP: Phill Jupitus you challenged then.


NP: Yes?

PJ: I don't understand a bloody word.

NP: And certainly he was being devious, because he wasn't illustrating brevity being the soul of wit.

GB: I was!

NP: I think you were not illustrating brevity. And therefore I give the benefit of the doubt to Phill Jupitus and say Phill there are 15 seconds still available, you will please talk if you can on brevity is the soul of wit starting now.

PJ: Brevity is the soul of wit said my grandmother as she sat knitting in her favourite armchair in the corner of our lounge. And how I would heed our words and remember that when I was exercising brevity as the soul of wit at some point in the future, I would remember...


PJ: Yes!

NP: So Phill Jupitus, you've broken your Just A Minute duck, and...

PJ: Not in front of people!

NP: You were then, you got a point of course and you were speaking as the whistle went and with an extra point you're equal with Gyles in the lead. And we'd like you to take the next round. The subject now is will power, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PJ: I suppose the producers of Just A Minute thought how funny to have the 22 stone member of the panel talk about will power. For the ability to resist treats of various flavours has alluded me throughout my life, be they savoury or sweet. Myyyyyy... ah...


NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: I thought um, A, hello! And B, he hesitated.

NP: He did hesitate a bit and it was a lovely hello. I'm sorry I can't give you a bonus point for hello but it's just nice to have you with us. And there are 41 seconds available if you like to take will power starting now.

CF: Will Power when a young man was the subject of the rhyme...
Little Willy in his bright blue sashes
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes
Now the room is cold and chilly
No-one wants to poke poor Willy.


NP: And Graham you challenged first.

GN: Repetition of Willy.

NP: Yes Willy, it's the first time that Willy has had a round of applause actually.

GN: No it's not!

NP: I think that last remark of yours deserves a bonus point Graham, so we give it to you.

GN: Hooray!

NP: And you've also got the subject, it's will power and you have 24 seconds starting now.

GN: A Scotch egg, oh they do them lovely now with actual Cumberland sausage. And the thing that fell out of the hen is organic, that's inside, it's been cooked. Now that is so delicious and yet it must be quite bad for you I think, considering...


NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: This is a most charming culinary diversion.

NP: Yes.

GB: And it's interesting to hear about his diet, but we actually haven't got around to will power and a lot of seconds have passed.

NP: I think he was expressing that the willpower he used in order to deny himself these culinary delights.

GB: But he hadn't got to that, had he!

GN: Because you interrupted me!

NP: I think he was getting there Gyles, we have to give benefit of the doubt on these occasions, I give it to Graham on this occasion and Graham, you have nine seconds still, will power starting now.

GN: Is will power some sort of Bardic cult in these parts? Do people wear T-shirts saying "Will power" and...


NP: So Graham Norton was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's now gone into the lead ahead of Gyles Brandreth...

GN: Yes!

NP: ... and Phill Jupitus and Clement Freud. And Graham we're back with you to start, would you take now the subject of blogging, 60 seconds if you can starting now.

GN: Although blogging has some modern meanings, the word of course originally appeared in Shakespeare�s play The Merry Wives Of Windsor when one of the characters says, a blogging I must go. No-one knows what it means, odd how the word faded into history and now is reborn on the Inter web. Bloggers are people who don't wash their hair and have no lives, but think that some people might want to read about it! I recently joined Facebook, that's a thing on the world-wide thing that spiders make...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of thing.

NP: Oh yes, you mentioned the thing...

GN: Possibly!

GB: It was very good.

NP: Very good, very well listened.

GN: Yes.

NP: So Clement you have a point, and you have a sour look from Graham and you have blogging and there are 21 seconds starting now.

CF: Twenty-one seconds is about the right time for blogging a dead horse which I have done frequently with considerable success, especially in Stratford-on-Avon where the Bard comes from. It's very odd that a piece of pork should give its name to the poet of a town to which huge numbers...


NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: The degree of deviation was almost pathological! I hesitated to interrupt in case the man was on medication!

NP: I'm inclined to agree with you actually! So anyway he's not on medication but he did deviate so you have the subject...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: I am on medication!

NP: Clement I was trying to be tactful but in view of the fact that you came back with that quick response and the audience enjoyed it, we give you a bonus point for that. And they always adore the underdog! One second, you've got in with one second to go Gyles, you clever so-and-so, blogging starting now.

GB: Blog off, I cried...


NP: So Gyles Brandreth speaking as the whistle went, has again moved forward. He's just two points ahead of Graham Norton, and two or three ahead of the others. And Gyles it's back with you to start, the subject is Sunday lunch. So will you tell us something about Sunday lunch in Just A Minute starting now.

GB: After a really good traditional English Sunday lunch, one can forgive anyone, even family...


NP: Graham's challenged.

GN: One can do what?

GB: Some of the lunch was still sort of around my teeth!

NP: So I think...

GB: It was...

GN: It was deviation and also he was talking about after Sunday lunch, not the Sunday lunch itself.

NP: Right...

GB: Oh!

GN: And that really bothered me!

GB: It's going to be like that, is it?

GN: Yes!

NP: I agree, it was deviation from English as we understand it. So Graham you have 55 seconds, you have Sunday lunch starting now.

GN: Pity the vegetarian when it comes to the Sunday lunch. Who could sit a grilled tofu, maybe that's pronounced another way, I've never ordered it out loud, I've just seen it on menus...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: I am sure!

NP: Well...

GN: Is it toffu?

CF: Toe-fu.

GN: Toffu.

CF: Toe-fu.

NP: But anyway it doesn't matter...

GB: Let's call the whole thing off!

NP: Graham it doesn't matter which way you pronounce it, we knew what you meant. Clement interrupted you and he got a very nice laugh so we give him a bonus point for that. In fact he's winning on bonus points at the moment! And you keep the subject of Sunday lunch and you have 43 seconds starting now.

GN: My Aunt Hannah was famous for her Sunday lunches, well, within her own home, obviously nobody else knew...


NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: Deviation, she can't have been that famous, I've never heard of her!

GN: I made that very clear!

NP: She was famous for her Sunday lunches in that area, wasn't she.

GN: In her own home, I actually said that.

NP: In her home yes.

GN: You all heard me, I said it, in her own home, that's where she was famous.

NP: I think within the rules of Just A Minute, it would be unfair to take it away, because in her own little circle she was famous for her Sunday lunches.

PJ: Oh no Nicholas, you wield your power!

NP: I would like to give you a bonus point because you haven't played the game before, but I think...

PJ: Stop giving me these mercy points! I don't need your pity, Parsons!

NP: You certainly don't, you've got enough talent for all of us put together! Graham you weren't deviating within the rules of Just A Minute so you have 39 seconds for Sunday lunch starting now.

GN: Inside my head, I'm skipping through fields, I'm so happy I'm still talking about Sunday lunch! I've so much to say about it! Roast potatoes, hey, let's chat about them for a while! You er can do them in goose fat, or bash them around with semolina, I'm told. I don't know, I don't care, I don't cook, Sunday lunch...


NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: So many I, I, I, I know in Graham's case, you know the word I is bound to appear all the time. But there was so many, one after the other there.

NP: Well I know we do let one or two or even three or four or five go. But there was half a dozen there, weren�t there?

GN: Oh, must I lose the subject?

NP: Sunday lunch is with you Gyles and 25 seconds available starting now.

GB: Who does the work in creating the Sunday lunch? In our home it is the microwave because we actually line up in front of this machine with plates on which there is a pre-prepared...


GB: Oh.

NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Sorry what was that? I couldn't quite make it out, couldn't quite make it out.

GB: It was a fumble and a stumble, it was a moment of humiliation.

NP: So Graham's got in again and he's got Sunday lunch, well, he's got the subject of Sunday lunch and the audience want to hear from his Sunday lunch so 14 seconds Graham starting now.

GN: Remarkably, like Gyles, we too line up plates of pre-prepared food to put in the microwave for Sunday lunch. That's what we do, oh two dos.


NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: We-we.

NP: We-we yes.

GN: And do-do!

NP: And do-do! We can't have too much we-we on this show, can we? There we are, five seconds available, Sunday lunch Gyles starting now.

GB: I always think it's important to begin with the right opening course when you're preparing the most marvellous Sunday lunch. And I try to start my meals...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of I.

NP: Yes.

GB: Quite right.

NP: Hoisted on your own petard!

GB: It's catching! It's catching!

NP: It's catching, right.

GN: That's awful!

NP: And Clement got in with one second to go, Sunday lunch Clement starting now.

CF: After taking medication...


NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, he's moved forward. He's two points behind our equal leaders Graham Norton and Gyles Brandreth, Phill Jupitus our first time player of the game is trailing just a little. And he begins the next round. The subject Phill is what money can't buy. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PJ: The Moon is one thing that money can't buy! In addition to other items that you could not be able to purchase, I would count my mother's love for she gives it to me freely, of her own volition. And she's a very fine woman to boot. What...


NP: Clement challenged. What is your challenge Clement?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Booting your mother!

NP: Lovely challenge! We give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the humour Clement. But it is a phrase you can use. Phill Jupitus an incorrect challenge and there's 40 seconds available, what money can't buy starting now.

PJ: What money can't buy must include several things that are not available in the shops. For if you go to those places where things can be bought you must look around and search hither and thither for those... items...


NP: Gyles you challenged first.

GB: Repetition of those.

NP: Of those that's right yes, 25 seconds still available, what money can't buy, Gyles starting now.

GB: Even the richest man in the world cannot buy back his past as the Prince of Wales remarked to me not so long ago. It's an heart breaking thing but the one thing that you cannot buy...


NP: Phill challenged.

PJ: Two things.

GB: Oh!

NP: Two things yes.

GB: Oh yes.

NP: Oh yes that's right, well listened Phill, you're getting the idea now. Carry on, 14 seconds, what money can't buy, Phill Jupitus starting now.

PJ: What money can't buy must be available to those who have endless resources. Surely they would search all over...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of search.

NP: Yes you searched before.

PJ: Oh what? What, you got...

GN: You were in a shop...

PJ: ... repeat before...

NP: No no, you didn�t realise this. If you already used the word and then you lose the subject and you get the subject back...

PJ: I have a memory of about 15 seconds so... this is not an ideal game for me!

NP: I'm sure Graham, can you be very generous here because...

GN: Of course I can!

NP: ... Phill didn't understand that word that you can, mustn't use a word if you used it before, before being challenged. So Phill you keep the subject with a point of course because you were interrupted. But give Graham a point because it was a correct challenge.

GN: Yeah!

NP: He gets a point and what money can't buy Phill, and five seconds starting now.


NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. He was so in awe of what happened he couldn't get going again. So Clement a point to you, a correct challenge and you have four and a half seconds, what money can't buy starting now.

CF: What money can't buy is my new friend, Phill Jupitus's mother's boots! It is extremely...


NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went has moved forward, he's now equal with Graham Norton and Gyles Brandreth in the lead. And Phill Jupitus is only three points behind them, it's a very even contest if you are interested in the points. Some people are, others interested in the quality of the show! Right, Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject now is star quality. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: I can think of no person who deserves the quality of star more than Nicholas Parsons! The chairman...


CF: Creep!

NP: Gyles you challenged.

GB: Well it was obviously a courteous hesitation, I think...

NP: Once he'd said it, he realised he couldn't go any further!

GB: He couldn't go any further, he realised that your name stops the house!

NP: No I thought it stuck in his throat actually! So he did hesitate Gyles so you have star quality, and you have 48 seconds starting now.

CF: No, you have star quality!

NP: Oh thank you Clement you're so lovely! I didn't realise that in our older age you were kindling this little romance! I suppose it's the medication we both share! But star quality is now with Gyles starting now.

GB: Barbra Streisand, Frank Sinatra, I've seen them all. Known quite a number of them personally. But for me star quality is epitomised in the small shape of Charlie Drake. To have seen that great entertainer in his prime, hello my darlings...


NP: Phill Jupitus challenged.

PJ: Two seens.

NP: Two seens.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes you�'ve seen him, you've seen them.


GB: Yes.

PJ: Listen Nicholas do all audiences go "oooohhh" at the new boy when they get something right?

NP: No they were so impressed that you spotted it. Phill Jupitus you have 35 seconds, tell us something about star quality starting now.

PJ: Star quality is that that is exhibited by those people who attract the attention of the general public in the performance of their duties as celebrities. Who can think of a greater celebrity than Elvis Presley, the man who exuded star quality from every fibre of his being. Every thread of his...


PJ: Two everys.

NP: Clement. You went so well but there were too many everys. Clement you spotted it first, 14 seconds, star quality starting now.

CF: I think Elvis Presley... is probably...


GB: The names of the greats just sort of bring him to a standstill!

NP: Yes, he's only got to say it, right...

GB: He seemed more overwhelmed by Elvis than he was by you Nicholas!

NP: Well I don't understand that actually!

GB: Yeah!

NP: Right, 11 seconds Gyles on star quality starting now.

GB: There's a tingle that goes up one's spine when you see an artist of the calibre of the sort of individual we are speaking of. Graham Norton for me does have this star quality...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Oh shut up! It's just creepy and weird!

NP: Graham all I'm going to say is you're complete modesty has gained you a bonus point because they enjoyed it. But he wasn't actually deviating so Gyles gets a point and he keeps the subject for two seconds, star quality starting now.

GB: They don't understand their own strength! They're...


NP: So Gyles Brandreth was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, he's moved forward, he's now in the lead, just ahead of Graham Norton and Clement Freud and Phill Jupitus in that order. And I have to tell you we are moving into the final round.


NP: What a lovely audience you all are! And Gyles we're back with you to start, would you take a feast for the eyes, 60 seconds starting now.

GB: Many years ago in younger and happier days, I saw Nicholas Parsons in his underpants. This was indeed a feast for the eyes. I have never witnessed anything quite so extraordinary! Waxing on a mature man, it works! As well as that there was oil all over his extraordinary silky skin...


NP: Graham is challenging like mad! Yes Graham?

GN: Gyles there are dogs lying in front of the Arger listening to this!

GB: Well why shouldn't they have a good time too?

GN: Oh!

NP: I've never put oil on my body like that! And you never saw me like that anyway! But we did enjoy it! I didn't enjoy it but the audience did! And that's what I'm here for, to have fun at my expense. So Graham a correct challenge, 42 seconds on...


NP: It was deviation, that's not true what you just said about me! You said you've seen me in my underpants, you've never seen me in my underpants.

GN: Oh they're having a domestic! Take it home boys, take it home!

GB: Okay that's fine.

NP: All right, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'm always generous and fair on these occasions. Because they enjoyed what you said, though it was utterly incorrect and therefore devious, we give you a bonus point. Graham has a point for a correct challenge, he has 42 seconds, a feast for the eyes starting now.

GN: An organic hard boiled egg covered in Cumberland sausage with a light coating in bread crumbs. Look at it, on the plate, oh truly it is a feast for the eye! It almost seems a pity to bite into it because that will decimate the feast for the eye because...


NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: Well decimation of course is dividing something into 10 parts with one bite! It's deviation! I'm sorry, if you are, if your body is not a feast for the eyes, why should his once-bitten off boiled egg be?

NP: No technically that's the way we use that phrase, and Graham was using it in that sense and he has 21 seconds for a feast for the eyes starting now.

GN: Under the water imagine a forest of seaweed waving, the sunlight coming through the wet stuff...


NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: I hesitate to suggest it but there was a hesitation.

NP: I think there was a hesitation.

GN: Oh all right.

GB: I think you agree.

NP: It was the sunlight. You have the subject back, a feast for the eyes, 14 seconds available Gyles starting now.

GB: When William George Bunter arrived at Greyfriars School he said "yaroo! A feast for the eye..."


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Gyles didn't press his buzzer! He has been pressing it at regular intervals in the last 25 seconds!

NP: Yes! You're absolutely right.

CF: Good challenge.

NP: The only difference is his medication is obviously working! So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute, Clement?

CF: Deviation.

NP: No no no.

CF: Then try devolution?

NP: You can try anything you like Clement but...

CF: Education?

NP: ... I must...

GN: It's decimation I want.

NP: I must be fair within the rules of Just A Minute, I know it was a very good try and the audience enjoyed your interruption. So I will give you those bonus points that you love having. Gyles was interrupted so he gets a point for that, he has feast for the eyes, eight seconds starting now.

GB: Oh crikey, Mister Quelch...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Oh repetition of oh.

GB: Oh!

GN: Was it? Was that right?

GB: I don't know. Didn't I say yaroo the time before?

NP: Yes you did say that before when you were talking about me, actually. Graham you have a correct challenge, you have six seconds, a feast for the eyes starting now.

GN: A feast for the eyes could be a nice bouquet of flowers. I don't think I've mentioned that before. A...


NP: Well Graham Norton speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. It's a very fair situation at the end of the show because Phill Jupitus who hasn't played before, he finished in a magnificent fourth place. He was only a few points behind the other three. Clement Freud, Graham Norton and Gyles Brandreth. So Gyles by one point ahead we say that you are the winner this week. So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Phill Jupitus, Clement Freud, Gyles Brandreth and Graham Norton. I thank Trudi Stevens, she has helped me with the score, she has blown her whistle magnificently this week. And also we thank our producer Tilusha Ghelani. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are grateful to this lovely audience in this magnificent Courtyard Theatre in Stratford-on-Avon for cheering us on our way. Please tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Yes!