JAM:PMerton,CFreud,FMacAulay,JCaulfield
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, FRED MacAULAY and JO CAULFIELD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 August 2007)

NOTE: Jo Caulfield's only appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme four exciting, talented and delightful players of this game. And they are, seated on my right, that regular player who gas contributed so much, that outstanding comedian Paul Merton. And seated beside him someone who has played the game many times and always contributes extremely well, that is Clement Freud. And seated on my left, we have the presenter and comedian, Fred MacAulay. And beside him, someone who has never played the game before, a very talented comedienne and writer, and that is Jo Caulfield. And will you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Trudi Stevens who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow the whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from one of the venues at the Pleasance in the Edinburgh Fringe. And we have a huge excited hyped-up Festival Fringe audience here dying for us to start the show. We'll begin with Paul Merton, and Paul, very apt for starting, the Scotsman. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PAUL MERTON: The Scotsman is the newspaper that all new performers in the Fringe buy religiously every day. They search for those reviews, perhaps a five star review, or maybe a for. But something they can put on a poster. I remember once being at the Student Union here, back a long time ago now in the early 1980s, and seeing all these beautiful students lying down...

BUZZ

NP: Fred you challenged.

FRED MacAULAY: Ah I think I may have challenged incorrectly. But did he say students twice?

PM: No, I said student and students.

NP: He said student the first time, and students the second time.

FM: Oh blast! He repeated the word student up to the S.

NP: I know, but he has played the game a lot, he knows how to...

FM: .. all right.

NP: ... wriggle out of those things. He did repeat something else, but it's too late now.

FM: Did he repeat too late now?

NP: No no.

FM: That's not much of a help.

NP: It was an incorrect challenge, I'm sorry Fred. Lovely to hear from you, lovely, lovely.

FM: Good to be here!

PM: You must come back again some time.

NP: Yes it's the contributions that matter. Paul it was an incorrect challenge so you get a point for that, you keep the subject and there are 41 seconds available starting now.

PM: If you walk down Oxford Street on any regular Sunday morning, you will see a Scotsman parked outside...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Regular Sunday morning.

NP: Yeah that's interesting, isn't it.

CF: How can Sunday morning be anything but?

NP: So you're saying deviation from English as we understand it, it should be regularly on Sunday morning. No you're not saying that?

FM: Nicholas, can I, I hate to interrupt you but can I just say that three Sundays ago, I got up, and one of our dogs had brought in a rabbit and was rubbing spam on to its head. That was no regular Sunday!

NP: Clement we give you the benefit of the doubt, we give you the subject, it is the Scotsman, you have a point of course, 35 seconds starting now.

CF: In a small plane flying over the Ural mountains, there were five passengers, a Scotsman, another Scotsman, the Scottish person, someone from Inverness and a kindly gentleman from Ayr. The captain said someone will have to get out because the weight is too great. And of course, the Scotsman was the first one to volunteer. He said "me, I will go, watch while I open the door, and jump overboard, especially as we are..."

BUZZ

NP: Fred you've challenged.

FM: It's deviation, you can't jump overboard from an aircraft that is flying!

NP: I would agree with you Fred, a very good challenge, deviation, so right...

PM: What's happened to these five Scotsmen? One of them is going to jump overboard, we don't know what happened to the rest of them.

NP: What happened to the rest of them Clement?

CF: I'm not saying!

NP: You'll have to write to him. Maybe we will find out afterwards. It's Fred, he's got a correct challenge, he has a point for that and he has the Scotsman starting now.

FM: There is a fine...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point, on this occasion it was Fred MacAulay who has got two points now, so he is in the lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud will you take the next round, oh goose pimples. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: Geese only get pimples when you pull out their feathers on the way to killing them and producing foie gras, goose liver, the most delicious and wholly immoral substance you could ever eat. Goose pimples are also on human beings, usually occasioned by extremes of weather, particularly cold. And your body...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: It was a hesitation.

NP: it was a hesitation. Paul you have the subject of goose pimples, you have 34 seconds and your time starts now.

PM: Getting goose pimples is a sign of expectation. As I walked towards this magnificent venue today with 700 people to record Just A Minute, goose pimples were all over my body. I looked at my hand, down the back of my arm, my leg. Every single atom of my skin...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Five mys.

NP: Yes.

PM: One for each Scotsman! They're still left up in that plane.

NP: Yeah we sometimes let two or three go, but five mys, I think we must give it to Clement for that, another point to you Clement. The subject, goose pimples and there are 21 seconds on goose pimples starting now.

CF: Fear and apprehension are the usual qualities that cause a person to get goose pimples which are skin...

BUZZ

NP: Fred challenged.

FM: Ah I'm challenging on behalf of Jo, because I think there was a hesitation there. If there was a hesitation I'm prepared to pass it over to Jo.

JO CAULFIELD: Do you know how very weird that was, because just after...

FM: You hesitated!

JC: I did that, you saw me hesitate with the thing. I wasn't quite sure.

NP: Anyway Fred's been...

FM: I think it was a hesitation.

NP: Fred, Fred has very generously given his hesitation, his correct challenge over to you. So we're going to hear from you on goose pimples with 13 seconds to go starting now.

FM: It doesn't really matter if you call them...

NP: No no...

JC: No! No!

BUZZ

JC: Am I...

PM: That was a fantastic impression, wasn't it! That was a fantastic impression!

JC: Am I allowed to say theft? Is that allowed?

NP: No, Fred, you gave it to Jo.

FM: I forgot about that.

JC: I'm very hurt!

NP: Look I'll tell you what we are going to do there. We are going to give Fred MacAulay a bonus point for his generosity...

FM: Oh thank you.

NP: ... as well as for the humour he generated.

JC: He was generous, but then he forgot very quickly that he was generous.

NP: And there are 13 seconds now on goose pimples with you Jo starting now.

JC: So when I open my mouth this time, Fred's voice won't come out. Good, that was successful, that's okay...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: No I didn't.

CF: Deviation.

NP: What's that?

PM: It was Clement. Clement challenged.

NP: Clement what's the challenge?

CF: I forgot!

NP: Right! So we give Clement a bonus point because we enjoyed his interruption and you get a bonus point...

JC: Right.

NP: No you get a legitimate point because you were interrupted and you keep the subject, and there are eight seconds left on goose pimples Jo starting now.

JC: Goose pimples ah, goose pimples...

BUZZ

JC: Who's that?

PM: Well strictly speaking it was hesitation.

NP: I know, it was.

JC: Was it? Was that actually hesitation?

NP: No you went on goose pimples, and then you hesitated. So Paul you have a correct challenge, you have the subject of er... I'm getting goose pimples now.

FM: Deviation.

NP: Yes I know, but no points awarded on that one. Paul, seven seconds, goose pimples starting now.

PM: If you take a goose out of its normal environment, and put it somewhere extremely cold, soon we will observe that magnificent phenomenon known to scientists...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, he is now in the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud and Fred MacAulay, and two ahead of Jo Caulfield. And Jo it's your turn to begin so would you now start the subject of...

JC: Okay, I've got to be ready for the now.

NP: Right, the subject is paradise, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

JC: For a long time we have been told that the taste of paradise is in fact sweetened coconut and chocolate. Which means that paradise actually has a very very unhealthy diet...

BUZZ

JC: Very very!

NP: That's the trick if you haven't played the game everybody falls into. The number of...

JC: Shall I leave now? Is that best?

NP: No darling, we love having you, and you're contributing hugely.

JC: I am making everyone look marvellous! That's what I'm doing. They're going it is a hard game, isn't it. We thought it was easy but that woman...

NP: It is a hard game, it is a hard game.

JC: Yeah.

NP: But when it comes to looking lovely, I mean you're lost on radio actually, because you do look gorgeous. But Fred, very very, we can't let that one go, correct challenge, right you've got the subject and you've got 51 seconds, paradise starting now.

FM: Five Scotsmen in an aeroplane flying over the Urals, one of them is going to end up in paradise, which for the Glaswegian listeners to Radio Four, they know that it is Celtic Park! Where the green and white hooped football team play. I don't know why it's called that because just across the town, Rangers play at Ibrocks and ah...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: A hesitation.

NP: A definite hesitation, er right. So Paul you have Ibrocks, no you don't, you have paradise...

FM: Don't ever make that mistake in Glasgow!

NP: Give Fred another bonus point, we enjoyed that one. But Paul you have a point, correct challenge and 32 seconds, paradise starting now.

PM: Paradise is a place that exists mainly in people's minds. Utopia, perhaps, somewhere gorgeous where we can relax after a long day's work. And our partner comes towards us offering us a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken. Could there be anything better than that, apart from...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Frankly, yes!

PM: I've got to raise my standards, haven't I!

NP: Yes.

PM: That's what paradise is for.

NP: No, I think you empathise with a lot of people on that particular remark. But Clement yes I agree with you, what you said, but what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute? None at all.

CF: Ah none.

NP: None, right. But we will give you a bonus point because we did enjoy the interruption. But Paul gets a point because he was interrupted. He still has paradise and he's got 18 seconds to tell us more about Kentucky fried chicken starting now.

PM: For some people, paradise may be living in the middle of a dark dank cave, nibbling old hobnob biscuits while looking at repeats of the White Feather Club. Or White Heather, wasn't it.

BUZZ

PM: Damn!

NP: Clement you challenged first.

CF: Repetition of white.

NP: Yes correct Clement, you have another point, you have the subject then, you have seven seconds on paradise starting now.

CF: You can always tell when you are in paradise by the quality of the sweet trolley. It is so very much more attractive than you would find...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's moved forward, he's equal with Paul in the lead and one point behind them is Fred MacAulay and then Jo Caulfield. And Fred we'd like you to begin the next round. And the subject is, very apt for where we are, up here in the Pleasance, the subject is beyond the fringe. Tell us something about that subject which we all use up here starting now.

FM: Most of my life since the age of 18 has been spent beyond the fringe because that's when I started to lose my hair. But it was the name of a most successful show that was brought to the Edinburgh Festival, I think in the early 60s which starred Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Jonathan Miller, Alan Bennett. And it was hugely successful, went on to...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I think we had successful before.

NP: You had two successful, yes.

FM: Nothing can be too successful!

NP: But so Paul you got in with a point of course, 42 seconds, beyond the fringe starting now.

PM: As Fred mentioned that was indeed a very popular show. A lot of people don't realise now that was in fact part of the Edinburgh Official Festival, not part, not part...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Part.

NP: Yes, we interpret that as hesitation so you take beyond the fringe Clement, and you have 35 seconds starting now.

CF: I think I totally agree with Fred.

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he agreed and that was enough! So you're back in again Paul on beyond the fringe and there are 32 seconds starting now.

PM: If you climb up Arthur's Seat and look to the distant horizons, there is no doubt about it, you are seeing beyond the fringe. All those clowns, tumblers, stand-up comedians, people in improvisational groups, revue artists, all gather round this mighty city once every August, hoping that somebody from television is going to walk into their bedroom and say "you're useless! You'll never work again!" It happened to me once, in 1987...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: It happened to him twice. In 19...

NP: They're all looking at you rather mystified Clement. Can you explain for the sake of our listeners and audience?

CF: He got kicked out of two shows!

PM: Yeah! It's true, I did yeah.

NP: So he repeated what?

CF: He repeated getting the sack.

PM: Yeah.

NP: He was certainly repetitious, all right Clement. You love winding me up, and you've achieved it. Eight seconds, beyond the fringe Clement starting now.

CF: Beyond the fringe is really about winding up Nicholas Parsons. It is a simple thing to do, you stand up and you say "hey chairman, guess what..."

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking again as the whistle went, gained the extra point. He's now one ahead of Paul Merton and they're both slightly ahead of Fred MacAulay and Jo Caulfield in that order. Paul we're back with you to begin and the subject now is the best thing since sliced bread. Take that phrase, do something with it in this game starting now.

PM: Toast.

BUZZ

NP: Jo you've challenged.

JC: Hesitation I think.

NP: Well done Jo, you're absolutely right.

JC: This game is really like doing maths. And I wasn't that good at maths, and my brain is not computing anything. I realise I don't listen to people at all, because you're all going oh, they've repeated it. I'm saying oh were they, I was looking at that lady's top, it's really nice! So now I get to speak, don't I?

NP: You get to speak, darling, when I say now.

JC: Okay.

NP: And the subject is the best thing since sliced bread and there are 59 seconds starting now.

JC: Whenever anyone says to me, oh this is the best thing since sliced bread, I always immediately lower my expectation of what they are about to show me. If they are truly impressed by sliced bread, I don't think I am going to be that pleased by whatever it is they are going to bring me. Actually I now find myself genuinely impressed in a supermarket when the man will slice the bread for you. How strange is that that we go back in time, I bring him a loaf, he puts it in the machine and you know, I am genuinely impressed when he slices that bread in front of me...

BUZZ

NP: Fred you challenged.

FM: Repetition of impressed.

NP: Yes you were impressed before, I'm afraid.

JC: I was so impressed though!

NP: I know, but you went very well, you went for, ah, 30 seconds.

JC: Wow!

FM: Well done!

NP: Not bad. Fred a correct challenge, you have the subject, you have the best thing since sliced bread, 30 seconds starting now.

FM: The only time that somebody has told me that they thought I had come up with an idea that was the best thing since sliced bread was when I approached a television producer with the idea for The White Feather Club which was going to be Scottish country dancing for cowards! Jimmy Sand was going to be playing with his accordion, there was a drummer in the background, somebody on double bass at the front. But the noise was too much for the dancers to progress and come forward. And furthermore there was...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Ironically a hesitation after furthermore.

NP: After furthermore.

FM: Can I just say that also in geographical terms, furthermore is just north of Strathmore...

PM: Ah!

FM: ... where white feather club dancing began!

NP: Anyway it was a hesitation so Paul, a correct challenge, the best thing since sliced bread is back with you and there are five seconds left starting now.

PM: If you peruse the posters that you see up here at the Festival, many of them will declare that the persons in the show are...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, he is now one ahead of Clement Freud. And he's four ahead of Fred MacAulay and a few more ahead of Jo Caulfield.

JC: What a lovely way of putting it!

NP: Yes, well there's no losers in this game, you either finish up in third, fourth, or um, well... And Clement it's your turn to begin and the subject we've got for you to start with is odds and ends. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: Let me begin with odds. They are the numeral calculations of your stake if you go gambling. Like even money if the amount of money that you...

BUZZ

NP: Fred challenged.

FM: Two moneys, one even...

NP: There was too much money yes, too much money. So Fred you got in with odds and ends and you have 49 seconds starting now.

FM: In the retail environment, particularly in garments for men and women, you'll often find a bin in a shop that contains odds and ends. This can be trousers, socks, underpants, shirts, jerseys, jerkins, which are really just anoraks without a hood, balaclavas and other hatwear. Basically anything that they've been trying to sell in the shop that is no longer in the main part of the retail...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: A shame but there was a repetition of retail.

NP: I know, oh yes, that's right, he repeated retail as well as the pause. Right Paul so you've got in with 25 seconds to go, odds and ends is the subject and you start now.

PM: I think a lot of us at home have a drawer that we dedicate to our odds and ends. And maybe various bits and pieces from our life that we have secreted within that wooden box. Something that we pick up from 1978, and go, ah yes, that's when I was in a punk band. Clement himself showed me a photograph earlier. It was a magnificent tribute group that you were in, wasn't it, magnificent. And they were fantastic...

NP: (whispers) Repetition of magnificent.

PM: ... they would play all kinds of rock and roll...

BUZZ

NP: Jo you've challenged. Jo what was your challenge?

JC: Magnificent.

NP: Yes well listened!

FM: Well done!

JC: I almost didn't hear you tell me that Nicholas!

FM: There were people up the back did!

NP: Well Jo you haven't played it before, so you're entitled to that little bit of generosity. And you've got in with two seconds to go. And the subject is odds and ends...

JC: Don't think I won't get challenged!

NP: Take a breath and you start now.

JC: Odds and ends...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Rubbish! Another point to you Jo and you have odds and ends, one and a half seconds to go starting now.

JC: Odds and ends...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Fred?

FM: Another desperate hesitation, it was appalling! In all the times I've played this, I've rarely heard a longer hesitation. First time excuse isn't going to wear with me! Note to producer, could you edit in a pause?

NP: Fred we give you a bonus point because we loved the interruption. But Jo was interrupted and she still has a second to go on odds and ends starting now.

JC: Odds and ends are always together...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jo Caulfield was speaking then when the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so. And with others in the round she has really leapt forward. She's still in fourth place, but no, she has leapt forward, she is only one behind Fred, only two behind Clement, and three behind Paul, as we take the next... in fact Jo it's back with you to begin and we'd like you to start with retail therapy, 60 seconds starting now.

JC: Retail therapy is the idea that spending money will make you feel better. This is something I have tried to explain to my husband but it's hard for him to understand because he is from Aberdeen and he has never quite that concept that that will make you feel happier. Sometimes retail therapy actually is very annoying, because the service is so bad that I then find that I'm not happy at all after my retail therapy. I once went to a shop...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: I'm afraid overhappiness.

NP: Yes you did repeat happy twice.

JC: I'm a very happy person!

NP: But you can't repeat it twice in Just A Minute unfortunately. So Clement well listened, you have got the subject, you have retail therapy, there are 40 seconds available starting now.

CF: In Douglas in the Isle of Man, there is a nursing home that practices retail therapy. Cats who obviously have no tails, being from Manx, come there in order to be like other feline animals. And all sorts of tails are...

BUZZ

NP: Jo you've challenged.

JC: I, I've not played the game before but I was slightly worried that Clement was having a stroke! It was very odd!

NP: Because he was going...

JC: The cats and, yeah...

NP: Yes, so you think it was deviation from...

JC: I was just worried in case he was, but if he's okay then, yeah.

NP: Well I don't know if they do retail cats in the Isle of Man or not. Is that what you were challenging on, deviation?

JC: Yeah.

NP: Well I think it would be true, wouldn't it, deviation? I can't believe... I'll ask the audience. Do you think they have retail therapy in the Isle Of Man?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Yes they do!

NP: My God, some of them do!

PM: Because they've been there!

NP: So to be perfectly fair, we give you a bonus point for the interruption, but Clement you were interrupted, so you keep the subject, retail therapy and there are 22 seconds starting now.

CF: The word retail therapy also applies to people who enjoy spending their money. I've never...

BUZZ

NP: Fred challenged.

FM: Um hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation, yes Fred, you have the subject, you have retail therapy and you have 18 seconds starting now.

FM: If you go into the shop that sells trousers, anoraks, balaclavas, etcetera, in the odds and ends bin, you may find on the real racks, this year's latest fashions, which could be colours...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Did we have repetition of racks there?

NP: Yes you had the racks before. So Paul you've got in with, you've only got two seconds available, you've got retail therapy, you start now.

PM: I love to wander down Oxford Street and buy...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul was getting the whistle, Paul when the whistle went, the whistle when the point went. It gets to you sometimes in this show. I'll give you the score as we move into the final round. Right, Jo Caulfield who hasn't played the game before, has done marvellously. She's in fourth place but she's done extraordinarily well. But she's only two points behind Fred MacAulay and she's still three points behind Clement Freud, and another three or four in the lead is Paul Merton. As we begin the last round and Fred it's actually your turn to begin, and the subject which could be embarrassing for me is the parson's nose. So would you tell us something about the parson's nose in Just A Minute starting now.

FM: Once you've plucked the feathers from a goose and it's all entirely naked, you'll find that the rear end where the tail feathers protrude, the parson's nose. Why it's called this is a mystery to me, and a terrible slight on the ecclesiastical personnel. You don't have the bishop's tonsils, for example. Well you might do, and I shudder to think where they might be! Nicholas, very fortunately has a Parsons nose, otherwise his spectacles would be down at his chin! Luckily he has Parsons ears as well.

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

FM: Thank you!

PM: There was a hesitation there.

NP: There was a hesitation when he got to the ears, he couldn't think of any more parts of my anatomy!

FM: Sadly, Nicholas, I could, but ah...

PM: That's what halted him in his tracks!

FM: I hesitated!

NP: That's what I was thinking to say. Anyway it's the parson's nose Paul, it's with you, you have another point, you have um 30 seconds starting now.

PM: If you pluck the feathers out of Nicholas Parsons you end up with a goose�s nose. It is the most extraordinary delicacy. You can have it carved up sliced. You can go to any restaurant anywhere in Glasgow and they will happily serve it up to you. The parson's nose is that part of the bird, be it chicken, turkey or goose, that is identified...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: I think we've had goose.

NP: Not in this round.

FM: Mmmm.

NP: Yes we did.

JC: You plucked a goose.

FM: I...

NP: It was Fred who plucked the goose.

FM: I had goose.

NP: He talked about the goose.

PM: Oh I might have said goose right at the beginning. Did I say something...

NP: You did say goose at the beginning.

PM: I think I did.

NP: You're quite right, well owned up. So Clement a correct challenge, you have 15 seconds on the parson's nose starting now.

CF: I was very interested when I visited Haiti at seeing how many parson's noses were imported from the United States. It is the favourite part of a chicken in Port-u-Paris. Go to any restaurant you like and say "I will have today's..."

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud with his experiences in Haiti, telling us about the parson's nose there finished the round, gained the extra point. I'll give you the final situation. Jo who has not played the game before, but has contributed magnificently, it's been lovely having you.

JC: I love the way you make me sound so special!

NP: No you finished in a very brilliant fourth place. Fred MacAulay who hasn't played the game very much either, has finished in an excellent third place. Clement Freud who has played the game quite a lot finished in a superb second place. And he was only one point behind Paul Merton so we say Paul you are the winner this week! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Jo Caulfield and Fred MacAulay. I thank Trudi Stevens, who has helped me with the score, and blown her whistle so delightfully. We thank to our producer Tilusha Ghelani. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are really indebted to this lovely audience here at the Pleasance on the Fringe in Edinburgh in 2007 who have cheered us on our way. From our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and the panel, good-bye and tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Yes!

THEME MUSIC